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Aaron Wood Presents...The Aarie Awards 2012

By Aaron Wood Dec 29, 2012 - 5:39 PM print

It's at this time of year when people who have wrestling websites and such start touting for votes in their End Of Year Awards...

Well, while we still do the wrestling stuff here at We Want Insanity, we've branched out somewhat, so taking inspiration from that, here are the first annual Aaries (Both Woodys and Woodies were taken by the porn industry and MTV respectively, in some rather telling happenstance...) So here are some wrestling-based awards for non-wrestling people!

I haven't actually made any physical awards, but if the winners just so happen to be reading this thinly-disguised review of the year dressed up as an awards ceremony, then maybe get someone to draw a cock on your forehead or something. I dunno...

The Stone Cold Steve Austin "Person We're Sadly Not Getting Back, No Matter How Much We Want Them Back" Award


Adam "MCA" Yauch

There have been a number of passing this year in the celebrity world such as Whitney Houston, Robin Gibb, Phyillis Diller, Michael Clarke Duncan, Larry Hagman and Neil Armstrong. But for me, none were so keenly taken from us too early than Adam Yach, better known as "MCA" from the Beastie Boys.

One of music's true pioneers bringing hip hop and rap to white people for the first real time, despite some revulsion, at least in the UK, in the early days, with this laddish antics such as performing with giant blow-up penises and wearing car's hood ornaments. However, "Licensed To Ill", released in 1986, would become the the first hip-hop album to top the Billboard album chart, with it containing the classic track "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)".

He was also the group's conscience, becoming a Buddhist and a leading voice in the campaign for a free Tibet. He also became an advocate for women's and LGBT rights, going so far as to apologise for past lyrics objectifying women, most notably in "Sure Shot" from their 1994 album "Ill Communication".

Yauch also had a love of film, directing many of the Beastie Boys videos as well as setting up independent film distribution company Oscilloscope Laboratories, putting out numerous films, including Yauch's own basketball documentary "Gunnin’ For That #1 Spot", Banksy film "Exit Through The Gift Shop" and the critically acclaimed "We Need To Talk About Kevin".

The 3MB "Best Musical Act" Award


Jack White

The man is a true musical genius, whether it's been part of The White Stripes, The Raconteurs or The Dead Weather. Or indeed, his totally under-rated Bond theme. So you knew that his first solo album was gonna be great, and it didn't disappoint. He had the guts to have the first release off the release to be a semi-acoustic, low key song in Love Interruption. Then came the single best song of last year in Sixteen Saltines, the highly stylized "Freedom At 21" and then a cover of "I'm Shakin'" by Little Willie John.

That's not to discount that every song on the record is pretty damn great, changing tempos and styles, never settling on a collection of songs that kinda sound the same. That wouldn't be White's style. The interesting thing about the album is that it wasn't originally intended to be recorded. He had planned on a collection of collaborations. When a planned session with The RZA wasn't able to happen, rather than sending away the band he had brought to his studio in Nashville, he recorded some tracks with them, which would later end up as songs on the record.

But then there was the true genius of the record's presentation, both via in the supporting videos and especially the presentation. Rather than 1 backing band, White would have 2 of them. One all-male (The Buzzardos) and the other all female (The Peacocks). Same instruments but each getting half the setlist each. Not that each backing band had their own rigid set of songs to play. They would often change every night. indeed, no two nights of White's UK tour, which I attended the Edinburgh show of, had the same setlist.

It's actually a genius move, because despite the fact he's surrounded by more people than ever, it only served to emphasise him and his genius more, because it wouldn't hang together as an idea in any lesser hands. Especially as both bands are as immensely talented as each other.

The BNN* "As With John Cena Fans, "Vocal Males" Aren't The Only Credible Demo" Award
* See Canadian Bulldog's thread in the forums


The Republican Party & It's 2012 Election Campaign

Anyone but Mitt Romney. In 2011, that is what the GOP seemed to say to itself. Almost literally everyone in the presidential race. Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich. Just about everyone the Republicans threw up to contend, they had their time in the sun before invariably screwing up. And so, they ended up with Mitt Romney going head to head with Barack Obama for the big house.

Now, thanks to Mitt's now sudden U-turn from a moderate republican to more hard-line on just about every issue to the point where a Romney change of mind was entering the realms of self-parody, his chances weren't looking spectacular, but then the almost uniformly white and male Republican party started opening their mouths and sewage started pouring out, which didn't help either.

Todd Akin, a contender for the Senate seat in Missouri, essentially killed off his campaign by saying "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.", basically saying that a woman's body could tell that it was a rapist sperm entering her, and there's no way she could get pregnant.

He was roundly kicked in the bollocks in the polls, although he went down, all offensive guns blazing, saying people like him "suffer of cancer, loss of a job, house, loved ones and they press on. They're the backbone of America. When called, they'll risk their lives for their country or their community, but they don't think of themselves as particularly special. They don't look to government for special deals, but they do think that the government should respect our hard-earned tax dollars that it collects. In short, they love God, they love their families and they love our country." In a similar vein, Indiana Republican Richard Mourdock said "Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.” Senate contender for Pennsylvania Tom Smith compared a rape baby to having one out of wedlock.

But it wasn't all rape comments, there were others even out-with the party ready to accidentally put the boot in. The most outspoken of those was Donald Trump. The Donald continued to wade in like a moron, claiming he had something that would turn the election on it's head, which ended up being a challenge to release his college records and passport applications, with Trump cutting a % million dollar cheque if he did. Clint Eastwood showed up at the GOP convention and did a routine involving an empty chair that many saw as a perfect allegory to the GOP. An old man mindless ranting to/at nothing. Alleged voter suppression targeting districts in states to disenfranchise likely Democrat voters, such as poor people and minorities.

And then, of course, there was Linda McMahon, who spend many millions on trying to become a senator in Connecticut, only to see her campaign staring into the abyss for a second time, prompting her campaign to put up posters and media telling voters to vote for her, a Republican, in the senate race while voting for Obama in the presidential race.

Romney sure didn't help himself. Beside his flip-flopping, his now infamous "47% of the people won't vote for me", "Binders full of women", Romney blundering into a dead-end in the second debate over what Obama had said about the US Embassy attack in Libya. But still, having a largely white and male representation (who happen to have some rather warped views on rape and such like) didn't help come election day... In the end, Romney only won 1 of the 9 big battleground states, North Carolina, and he was trounced in the Electoral College and popular vote. Although not before Karl Rove had his now "legendary" say, leading to chaos on FOX News...

Well, at least there's 2016... What's Jed Bush's phone number???

The CM Punk "Done A Lot Of Winning In 2012" Award


Bradley Wiggins

The Olympics of 2012 were held in London and "Team GB" as it is officially known (and yes, this is partially why I hate "Team Hell No" and "Team Rhodes Scholars" after a year of "Team GB" when you could just say Great Britain) got to winning a shitload of medals. As is the way, a lot of folks came though the Games winning in events they weren't particularly expected to win probably because it was in their home country.

Bradley Wiggins was expected to win. British cycling has been dominant at Olympics since the turn of the Millennium. Sir Chris Hoy has won six Gold medals, and is the most successful Brit. Wiggins himself has gold medals from the 2 previous Games, Indeed, he won a Gold medal for the Road Time Trial, making him join Hoy as the Brit with most medals ever.

So why have I singled Wiggins as the "winner" here? Because also this year, he became the first Brit to ever win the Tour De France, the world's most famous (and probably infamous) bicycle race. That's historic enough, but he's also the ONLY person ever to win the Tour De France and an Olympic gold medal in the same year. Kinda make the fact he's also won four other "World Tour" events kinda pointless. So yeah, Bradley Wiggins is probably the most winningest person of 2012. And hell, if that wasn't enough, he's been made a KNIGHT OF THE REALM in the New Year's Honours list, about the highest honour that can be bestowed.

The Sin Cara "Blown Spot" Award


Tulisa Contostavlos

Tulisa Contostavlos made her fame as part of the shitty pop group N-Dubz. As if the name didn't scream "shit music" at you. Well, being a pretty face, Tulisa broke away from her male colleagues and found fame for herself, being deemed worthy of a spot on the judging panel of the "talent" show, X-Factor. How? I have no idea. Again, I can only assume it's her pretty face. Honestly can't see what else she brings to the table.

Anyway, in March, and old boyfriend of hers, Justin Edwards (otherwise known, but barely heard of, as "MC Ultra"), released a sex tape of her working his shaft. Then came the predictable news stories. There was no tape. It was a fake. OK it's real, but I was drunk. I don't regret making the tape. I'm suing.

She even took to Youtube, ignoring the advice of her lawyers, to confess it was her and put her side of the story, mere days after claiming it wasn't her. It was all so ridiculous to the point that Tulisa was a target for mockery already. And then footage of it started coming out.

The only way you can't piss yourself laughing at the video is if you assume it was done a deconstructionist satire on celebrity sex tapes. And even then it's still too funny. Without going into all the gory details, suffice to say, she spends most of the video, where is is supposedly giving him a blowie, rather than working the shaft or indeed inserting it in the correct orifice of note, smacking the wanger against her own face and head. She even whips a tit out (not fully mind) and rubs it on her nipple. And then, to end the world's worst attempt at a sex act, it seems like the guy fakes, erm, "arriving" as if he couldn't take anymore and would finish himself off later.

For me, the funniest thing about the whole debacle, aside from the actual video itself, is that, in a classic case of Twitter going nuts before it thought, comedian Justin Edwards started getting hate tweets from Tulisa fans, even though his avatar showed himself, a large white man in a comedy pose. Even today, he has "Unknown to Tulisa" in his profile.

That said, Simon Cowell, probably loving the idea of his least interesting judge having SOMETHING about her, stood by her, she retained her spot for this recently passed season of the show, even though a couple of early contestants got a couple of digs in at her about it. That said, her solo album bombed as badly as her blowjob abilities this year too, despite being a regular on the UK's most viewed TV show.  Well, I say that, but the rumour of the last few days is that while she survived to stay on for the season just finished, she might not be back...

The Wrestlemania "Best Thing I've Paid To View This Year" Award


Yes, it has some flaws and even with The Avengers out this year, no film blew me away more than the return, in it's 50th year, than the latest James Bond movie, Skyfall. Hell, it was so great that it even took the drab, boring, clichéd and rather shitty theme tune from Adele (Where she could took the syllable "all" and turn it into "owwwww") and made it work.

Every performance was a home run. The storytelling was robust, yet delicate and deftly handled. The cinematography, especially when they came to Scotland, was breathtaking. Yes, while it could draw a pop, the old Aston Martin was a bit hokey and didn't make a ton of sense. Yes, the 2 huge Kimono dragons were rather badly CGI'ed. But frankly, you could take every flaw, mash them altogether and throw them out the window, because this was an awesome film.

The Jim Cornette "Soaking Bridges In Gas And Dropping The Match, While Still Actually On Them" Award


Keith Olbermann

When you think of political bias in the news, you immediately think of the FOX News Channel who are to "Fair & Balanced" what I am to professional sports. And the likes of Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and the rest will always have a home there. Hell, as above, it took Karl Rove to go absolutely nutter-butters live on air on Election night in November for them not to use him again for a while before they inevitably bring him back.

The opposing side of things also is seen to have a home too, with both Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews having a spot on MSNBC. However, one liberal firebrand this year found himself shit outta luck when it came to having a platform when Kaith Olbermann was fired from Current TV. That despite the fact he kinda-sorta owned part of it...

When he abruptly left his show "Countdown" on MSNBC in January 2011, he was soon announced as becoming the "Chief News Officer" for the Al Gore-part own Current TV, taking his show to the station as well as helping to shape it's news output. Part of the deal was an equity stake in the channel.

Less than a year after he began his role on Current TV, he was fired in June this year. However, it was never a happy relationship, with Olbermann missing working days, being angry at the technical limitations of his studio as well as the channel's staff and executives. And as abruptly as he left MSNBC, he was summarily fired from Current TV, with the channel stating:
"We created Current to give voice to those Americans who refuse to rely on corporate-controlled media and are seeking an authentic progressive outlet. We are more committed to those goals today than ever before. Current was also founded on the values of respect, openness, collegiality, and loyalty to our viewers. Unfortunately these values are no longer reflected in our relationship with Keith Olbermann and we have ended it."

Olbermann then fired back with:
"In due course, the truth of the ethics of Mr. Gore and Mr. Hyatt will come out. For now, it is important only to again acknowledge that joining them was a sincere and well-intentioned gesture on my part, but in retrospect a foolish one. That lack of judgment is mine and mine alone, and I apologize again for it."

And so, Olbermann is completely a man without a country, and is currently reduced to writing about baseball on MLBlogs (Olbermann is a noted baseball historian) and picking fights on Twitter.

The Abraham Washington "Completely Dicked Things Up As A Manager" Award


Bobby Valentine

While I may be Scottish, I don't exactly hide my love for New York. And when it comes to Baseball, for me, as clichéd as it might be, there's only one team to support. The Yankees. (As an aside, to be fair to me, when it comes to the NFL, my loyalties lie with the Redskins, and I'm not a massive fan of basketball or ice hockey, so I can take or leave the Knicks and Rangers). On my last trip to the States, I even had the accidental, but utterly heart-warming honour of seeing Mariano Rivera beat Trevor Hoffman's record of 601 career saves at my first ever live baseball game.

So while we miserably flopped out of the ALCS to the Tigers having struggled the whole post-season, that was nothing compared to what was happening with the Boston Red Sox, which was schadenfreude-tastic. I mean, it was bad enough for THE SOX in 2011, having the biggest crash in September ever and failing to make the post-season as well as controversy over pitchers drinking beer and eating fried chicken in the clubhouse and dugout during games. Terry Francona got bounced and Bobby V was brought in to right the ship.

Not only did Valentine not right the ship, he blew his own holes in the hull. He failed to get along with players and staff, trading prized player Kevin Youkilis to the Chicago White Sox in June (with Youk getting standing ovations on his returns to Boston, although that may be different next season now he's joined the Bronx Bombers...) as well as other baffling moves. It ended up with Valentine taking the Red Sox to a season record of 69-93, leaving them bottom of the AL East, third worst record in the American League.

It was also, get this, their first losing season since 1997. It was their first season with more than 90 losses since 1966 and their worst season since 1965. You have to be going some to take a low bar that's been set for you and manage to send it through the mantle layer of the earth. Bobby V was promptly fired the days after the season ended, with 1 year and 2 option years left on his deal, to be replaced by John Farrell of the Toronto Blue Jays, a man who had been a coach in Boston a few years ago. Well, at least, for them, it can't get any worse... Can it???

The Mae Young & Mark Henry "MY EYES! OH SWEET JESUS, MY EYES!" Award


Hulk Hogan

There have been a lot of celebrity sex tapes over the years. Some you'd be kinda interested in seeing, such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Catalina White (Jack Swagger's wife) and, of course, Pamela Anderson. Then there are sex tapes you wonder "Who in the hell would want to see that?!?!", such as Screech from Saved By The Bell, Republican John Edwards, Tonya Harding and Fred Durst.

But then, when it comes to people in wrestling people putting tapes out there, somehow, it manages to be the bottom of the barrel. You had Chyna & X-Pac. You had Chyna doing professional porn scenes, and then the mother-load hit, if you'll pardon the expression... Hulk Hogan had a sex tape.

Hulk Hogan. Sex Tape.

Not Brooke, who is, let's face it, a very pretty girl with nice boobies who you'd want to see going at it. Not necessarily with Bully Ray, but still...

Not Nick, who is young and a massive douchebag so you'd think he would tape himself slipping it to some young lass.

No. It was Hulk, who took his little blue vitamins and showed a woman his not-quite 24-inch python. And we're the ones who had to say our prayers. For salvation.

But that would be one thing. The thing is that the story was far dirtier and indeed much more cynical than normal. The woman Hogan was schtupping it to was Heather Clam, the wife of his BFF Bubba The Love Sponge. And not only that, Bubba was had allowed Hogan to bang his wife in full knowledge, but also Bubba was handing off his wife to all and sundry by the looks of it, and that Bubba was filming all of it. Hogan filed suit, but has since "settled", leaving many to wonder if this was part of some publicity stunt, which really is about the only thing that makes sense in that it's such an utterly retarded thing to do, it may well be true.

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