We Want Insanity
My Son Lucas
JG's 7/21/08 Raw Insanity: John Cena Accidentally Punches Batista On Purpose
TGIF: A New Day For Hulk, MLW's Major League Potential, and More
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Return, Top Contenders 6-Man Gauntlet, And More
(32 Mins) Honor Nation: Forgiving Hogan

Crocker! It Ain't No Lie, Baby

By Dan Crocker Sep 24, 2015 - 3:50 PM print

My first boyfriend killed himself. We didn't call ourselves boyfriends, but we went to the movies together, went to dinner together, and had a lot of sex. Part of the reason we didn't call ourselves for what we really were is that it was the '90s and things then weren't what they are now. More than that I think, even though he was out of the closet, was my insistence that I wasn't gay. And I wasn't and am not. I was a bit of a coward, though.

I didn't realize at the time that there was another option or, as it turns out, countless other options. And who knows, maybe I'm being presumptuous to think that he would have wanted to call me his boyfriend. He was beautiful and wild and unpredictable. He had a lot of suitors. Still, I do sometimes wonder if things would have been different if I, at that time, could have just went all in so to speak.

It wouldn't be until several years later that I came out to my friends as a bisexual male—something seemingly as rare as a unicorn. That's when things got weird. Some of my friends shrugged, and said, “So?” That was the best response possible, and I appreciate each and every one of them. Others weren't sold on the idea. How is that possible, they wondered, you're married to a woman.

The reaction from my gay friends could be even more baffling. I heard the old standby, “Bi now, gay later” plenty. That one didn't bother me at first because so many gay men I knew at the time did go through a period where they told people they were bisexual. They were just testing the waters. But, five years later, it started to get a little old. When I agreed to sit on a panel hosted by the university I attended as the “representative bisexual” most of the questions I got were variations of, “What does your wife think about you cheating on her with men?”   My relationship is monogamous I said . . . over and over and over.

My oldest friend, a guy I grew up with, went to church with, love like a brother, had one of the hardest times believing it. His dad was a preacher. Once, when we were young, we were having a conversation about homosexuality in my bedroom. He had not yet come out of the closet and wouldn't until his early twenties, but it was something we'd talk about now and again. Maybe he was seeing how I would react, but I believe him when he says he just hadn't been able to admit it to himself yet. We lived in a community that was violently homophobic.

“Look,” I said. “If I was gay I'd march up and down the street telling people. There's nothing wrong with it.”  I don't know where I got this attitude. Not from my parents, any adult I knew, and certainly not from my hellfire and brimstone church. A church where, mind you, I made the mistake of wearing an earring. The preacher, looking right at me the entire time, went on a rant against homosexuality before saying, “When I was a kid, if a boy had an earring it meant one thing. It still means that today.” Amens all around.

I think what my friend meant when he told me I wasn't bisexual was that he really expected, if I were, that I would be marching up and down the street telling people. I still love him. He's incredibly accepting of who I am. We've been friends for thirty years. We Skype on Sundays to watch a classic episode of Doctor Who—a tradition started when we'd watch it Sunday nights on PBS. But, I digress. However, I wondered that if he, someone who knew some of the men I had slept with, didn't buy it, why, I thought, would anyone else?

As I got older and stayed with the same woman, who also identifies as bisexual and was the most supportive and understanding of anyone I first told, things got stranger and stranger. The years went by and I started thinking, maybe it's no longer right for me to identify as bisexual. Maybe, and this is even worse, I thought it doesn't even matter one way or another. I wondered if I wasn't just appropriating the Queer world at that point. This wasn't just because so many people told me that I needed to equate my identity with current sexual practices, but also because sometimes I'm just an idiot and believed them. Where I fall on the spectrum is closer to heterosexuality anyway, if not by a large margin. I'm more often attracted to women, so I thought let's just ignore this other, important part of myself.

When the world opened up a bit and more people accepted a wider range of identities, I was still keeping it to myself. In fact, when asked, even by friends who I knew would be accepting, I would say, I've had relationships with men, but I really don't like to put a label on it. Eventually, I kept silent so long that I really started to doubt myself. At one point I thought, and I am really ashamed of this, that since I was molested by a man when I was a kid maybe that had something to do with my sexual identity. Maybe, my faulty logic went, I really am just confused.

That was stupid. Though being molested certainly caused a lot of problems for me over the years—anxiety, addiction, depression, the usual, it had nothing to do with my sexual identity. I knew exactly where I stood, I just didn't want to say it. Too many questions—most a variation of, “So, how does that work? What in the world is your sex life like?”

Too much scoffing and doubt. I just let it sit.

According to a Pew Research Center survey from a few years back, only 28% of bisexuals come out of the closet. My guess is that in men alone that number is even lower. There's a growing list of female celebrities that have come out as bisexual. Good for them. It's truly wonderful and they are role models. For men, we have Billie Joe Armstrong, Christopher Hitchens and a handful of others. Otherwise, we're stuck with speculation.   What about Jack Kerouac? His actions were bi, so let's claim him whether or not he ever wanted to admit it.

I strongly doubt that there are less male bisexuals than female bisexuals. I wonder, and I'm not sure of this at all, if people are more likely to take a woman's word for it. For one, it feeds into an absurd and insulting male sexual fantasy. I also think that we're socialized to think that women have a more fluid sexuality. Of course, I could be wrong about all of that. I'm not a scientist. I'm just speaking from personal experience. It's not any less jarring for a woman to come out as bisexual, I'm sure. It's not easy for anyone. Again, they just ask us so many questions. They assume we're all confused, sex-crazed cheaters.

Men, I think, just haven't been as strong as women when it comes to battling these stereotypes. There's this unfortunate but still prevalent attitude that any man who has ever slept with another man is gay. He can say he's bisexual until he's blue in the face, but many assume he's doing it with a wink.   Men are also socialized to be “manly.” Even among the most enlightened of us, those of us who realize that such a concept is faulty and dangerous, we can still secretly harbor it. Women, I'm sure, have similar experiences, and I look forward to continuing to read those stories.

As far as my first boyfriend goes, one of the last times I saw him was shortly after I got married. He was drunk. Things got violent. He screamed at me, “I loved you the most.” For a long time, I thought, well that's why everyone hates bisexuals. That was unfair though—to both me and him. The last time I saw him, he seemed to be more at peace than I had ever seen him. It was a good night. He's a constant reminder to me that there was a time when American literally drove young, gay men and women to death. Of course, sometimes it still does.

Frankly, I was able to hide behind my perceived straightness whenever I wanted and that made things easier. I had a wife and two kids and it was pretty obvious that we all loved each other. I'm guilty.   Even now the thought of publishing this fills me with dread and anxiety. This is the first time I've really come out to anyone who is currently in my life except immediate friends. Eighty percent of bisexual men keep it to themselves. Bisexual men have a higher rate of mental health problems that gay men do, and research shows that may be because of their desire to keep their sexuality secret. To hell with fear and anxiety. I don't want to be a coward.   It's Bi Awareness/Pride/Visibility week. The more men who come out as bi, the easier it will get. The more myths will be dispelled. This is me, finally, marching up and down the street and yelling it. 

blog comments powered by Disqus

JG col

My Son Lucas
JG's Facebook Insanity: Let's Infuriate Your Friends
(33 Minutes) James Guttman's Free 2009 Interview With Mr. Fuji
JG's 10/19/15 Raw Insanity: Hell of a Sell
JG's 10/5/15 Raw Insanity: Flashing The Brock Signal
JG's Insanity: The 12th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Insanity: The 11th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Facebook Posts To Annoy Your Friends
JG's Ten Beloved TV Characters Who Were Obvious Psychopaths
JG's 10 More Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Insider Wrestling Terms You Shouldn't Use When Talking About Something Besides Wrestling
JG's Insanity: The 10th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Demented Ways We Misused Our Toys
JG's 15 Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Sesame Street Muppets That Are Missing And Presumed Dead
JG's Scene From WWE Raw (After Vince McMahon Goes Senile)
JG's Ten Signs You Were A Wrestling Fan Of The 1980s
JG's Insanity: Stone Cold's Greatest Moments (Without Stone Cold)
JG's Ten Wrestling Moves That Really Hurt When You Try Them At Home
JG's Insanity: Everybody Is Tito Santana
JG's Ten Reasons Why WWF LJN Figures Were The Greatest Toys Ever
JG's Ten Judges Who Would Make American Idol Worth Watching
JG's 2012 in Pictures (As Hulk Hogan Will Remember It)
JG's Quintuple Bypass Surgery Insanity
JG's Five Episodes of Diff'rent Strokes That Scarred Me For Life
JG's Ten Facebook Posts That Are Slowly Driving Me Crazy
JG's Ten Truly Terrible Reality Competition Shows
JG's Ten 1980s TV Characters Who Taught Me To Hate
JG's Ten Wrestling Characters Who Went Through Massive Personality Changes
JG's Ten Old School Wrestlers Who Would Terrorize Today's PG WWE

The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 2
TGIF: A New Day For Hulk, MLW's Major League Potential, and More
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Return, Top Contenders 6-Man Gauntlet, And More
The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 1
TGIF: Japanese Garden Party of Honor, Rib JR's Rib, and More
The ROHbot Report: Bully-Burger Steal the Show, NWA Title in ROH, And More
Anime Verdict: Street Fighter 2 The Animated Movie
TGIF: Hug Therapy, Down Goes Dalton, and More
The ROHbot Report: Best in the World Review, Fairfax TV Tapings, And More
TGIF: Dog Bites Artist, All Them, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Finale & Reunion
The ROHbot Report: Best in the World '18, TV Classic Main Event, And More
TGIF: Cass'd Away, DIY Does It Again, and More
The ROHbot Report: State of the Art Reviews, ROH International Cup, And More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 9
TGIF: The Greatest Professional Wrestling Match Of All Time
The ROHbot Report: San Antonio/Dallas Previews, Bullies Dominate, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 8
TGIF: CM Punk Gets One More WWE Victory, Constable Corbin, and More
The ROHbot Report: Austin Aries Goes For The Gold, NY TV Results, And More
Solo: A Star Wars Story Review
TGIF: You Can't Teach Rap, NBC's World Wrestling Embarrassed, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 7
The ROHbot Report: UK Tour Reviews, TV Recap, And More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars - Episode 6
TGIF:The Lashley Girls Kill RAW, Merging Impact, and More
The ROHbot Report: Honor United Previews, ROH TV Episode 348, And More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 5
TGIF: Nia Gets Rowdy, All In All Sold Out, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 4


Crocker: Shit House Rat
Nov 14, 2016
Crocker! Lead
Jan 31, 2016
Crocker! It Ain't No Lie, Baby
Sep 24, 2015
Crocker! Eat
Apr 9, 2015
Crocker! City of Bones
Feb 26, 2015
Crocker! I Ain't Eating This Crap
Feb 5, 2015
Crocker! Welcome To Fantasy Island!
Jan 29, 2015
Crocker! Leave Me The Unwanted
Jan 15, 2015
Crocker! Dear God
Dec 18, 2014
Crocker! Video Poem: C Is For Cookie
Nov 20, 2014
Crocker! My Stupid Cucumber Story
Nov 13, 2014
Crocker! Elmo Goes Emo
Oct 23, 2014
Crocker! Stigmata
Oct 9, 2014
Crocker! The Greatest Game Ever Told
Sep 25, 2014
Crocker! Where We Come From
Sep 11, 2014
Crocker! What's Wrong with Missouri?
Aug 21, 2014
Crocker! My Pal, The Vagina
Jul 31, 2014
Crocker! I Used To Be Someone's Favorite Eclipse
Jul 18, 2014
Crocker! How Me and Lord Byron Got our Grooves Back
Jul 3, 2014
Crocker! The Night I Met Larry Brown
Jun 19, 2014

Even More From This Category >>
ClubWWI.com Contact Us Forums
All content contained here Copyright - We Want Insanity Dot Com