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Crocker! My Stupid Cucumber Story

By Dan Crocker Nov 13, 2014 - 7:30 PM print

The day his wife brought home a single cucumber from the grocery store, and nothing else, Richard grew suspicious.

"What's that?" Richard asked his wife, Linda.

"A cucumber for our salad tonight."

"You've been at the grocery store for 45 minutes and all you got was one lousy cucumber for a salad."

"It's not lousy. It took me a long time to make sure I picked out the right one."

"It's just a cucumber,” he said. “And it's not like it’s a giant cucumber or anything. I mean, they're pretty much all the same really."

"It's big enough.” Linda smiled. "Just about right. And trust me, they're not all just about the same."

Richard couldn't believe himself. A middle aged man, interrogating his wife over a cucumber. However, he'd been married fifteen years and his wife had never spent 45 minutes picking out a cucumber before. As a matter of fact, she'd never even cared for cucumbers, in her salad or otherwise, as far as he could tell. He couldn't quite figure out why, but he was starting to get steamed.

"So," he asked, "when did you decide to use cucumbers in your salads anyway?"

"Oh, I guess I just wanted to spice things up a little. The same old salad can get a little boring after awhile. I mean, let's face it, the same old salad night after night after night. The same wilted lettuce, the same bland dressing. Sometimes you just have to put something new in it. Make a change. You should try it."

"I like my salad just the way I've always like it."

"Fine. Could you at least get me some lettuce out of the fridge and some carrots?"

Richard began digging around in the refrigerator's crisper. "All we got are these baby carrots. Are they good?"

"Oh, yeah. I love those things. They're so little and cute."

"Well," Richard huffed, "they're no cucumber I'll grant you that, but they're big enough. They're a mouth full and anymore than that is a waste! They're no shabby meal by any means. I think I'll have me a hand full right now."

Richard began stuffing them into his mouth with both hands.

"Okay," his wife said.

"I think I'll have a tomato too," he yelled, bits of baby carrot spewing from his mouth. “A plump, round, ripe, juicy tomato! A cherry tomato. You heard me right, a cherry tomato. I haven't had one of those in a long time. Probably been fifteen years."

"Ooookay," she said, rolling the cucumber over her hands. "This really is a good cucumber. It's just young and ripe enough. I read about how to find the perfect one in the Ladies Home Journal."

"Some ladies! I mean, really, how young can a cucumber get?"

"I just mean it's still firm."

"Well, I like my vegetables soft," he said. "Soft and old. Got more flavor that way. Easier to mash 'em up with my gums, I guess. Lord knows it won't be long before my teeth fall out."

"Richard, is something wrong?"

Richard grabbed the cucumber from his wife and held it over his head like a sword. "Look do you want me to use this on you or not?"

"Are you going to hit me with that thing?"

"No." Richard placed the cucumber on the counter.

"Thank God. I'm starting to worry about you."

"Do you want to have sex with this cucumber or not?" His face was red, but it was now more from excitement than anger.

“Jesus Christ,” Linda said. “It's just a cucumber, albeit a nice one.” Then, she began to slice it up.



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