Okay. Maybe we don't live in a freaking computer... Read More

**Translated from Drunk. Read More

In school, we're given a lot of poems by a bunch of dead white guys that the teacher probably doesn't even like. We can't expect young people to get into poetry this way... Read More

It’s the first poem I ever read that said to me, “It’s okay. As long as it’s good, a poem can be anything.” Read More

Being a poet is so bad, in fact, that they give us a month a year just to make us feel better. They call it National Poetry Month, and this is the month. April, the cruelest, by far, of all the months... Read More

Not only would my conservative and liberal friends probably be surprised to hear what my religious beliefs are, my closest friends and family would   be surprised as well. I keep it that private. This week, however, I've decided not to... Read More

Suddenly, however, I wasn't just the fat kid. I was the fat kid whose brother had died... Read More

This week's Crocker! deals with a very sensitive issue in frank and explicit terms. It may not be suitable for all readers... Read More

I’m a worrier. It’s what I do. Last night, for example, I slept a little under three hours because I couldn’t stop worrying about gravity... Read More

What if DDP really stand for Dark Devil Period or Damn Dangerous Pope or, even worse... Read More

If you and your significant other need a romantic soundtrack today, this is it... Read More

There was a hell of a brouhaha going on. I just didn’t realize it until it was too late... Read More

I don’t know why I have to pay money to see my daughter sing Rudolph or something. We could stay home and sing it all night long for free... Read More

It's a program that grade school kids are forced into that teaches the about the dangers of drugs, alcohol and tobacco. It’s also an acronym. For what? I don’t know, and I’m too lazy to Google it. Read More

We ate squirrel and wild rabbit and deer. If you have never eaten squirrel, don't. It tastes about like you would expect. Day after day, I watched my dad become more downtrodden... Read More

"If we get him fixed we'll have a lot less problems with him. He won't try to dig his way out under the fence. He'll bark less. We won't have to worry about him biting anyone, and best of all he'll stop pissing on our bed." Read More

It was the night after our Portland reading, and Natty and I were pushing a baby carriage full of beer down one of the side streets in New Hampshire. The readings hadn't gone well Read More

Americans like to win. In fact, it's pathological among us. It's why Karl Rove went nuts when Fox News called Ohio for Obama. Read More

Well, what could I do? My manhood had just been called into question in front of two of my most impressionable students. I had to set a good example. Besides, what man, no matter how enlightened he thinks himself to be, doesn't secretly want to stand up for his wife's honor? It may have been the weed talking... Read More

I knew my claim on geek culture had come to an end this week when not one, but two, of my students wore "Doctor Who" shirts to class. They weren't wearing them ironically or to make a point. They just really liked the show... Read More

If you really want to depress yourself, skim through the reader comments on any news story on any website for a few minutes. It doesn't matter if it's a political or entertainment website, people have gone nuts... Read More

The only thing on TV that lasts longer than Bill Clinton's Wednesday night speech is Monday Night RAW... Read More

Normally in my early teen years, I was listening to REM, The Cure, etc, but the first time I saw Tiffany on MTV, I thought...this is a girl I could marry. Read More

Not everyone made it to the big show, however. When reached for comment on his absence, Steve Austin said, "I just wasn't feeling Stone Cold enough. I felt more Stone Cool at best." Read More

I had a dream last night that I captured Neil Young, locked him up at my house and taught him how to be a super assassin killing machine. I taught him ninja-like martial arts, a few actual super powers like heat vision, and even, no kidding, the figure four. Of course, I can do none of these things but the figure four and these days I'm not too sure about that. Read More

It's 110 fudgin' degrees here. It's so hot that Sid Raymond Eudy, a known psychotic, thinks it's too hot to beat up young whipper snappers. It's so hot that even Cena couldn't mess up a promo about how hot it is. It's hotter than Viscera on a regular day (you know, because he's sort of fat). It's hotter than Gail Kim. It's hotter than Ric Flair's wife gets at Ric Flair... Read More

Mark Henry may not be returning to WWE. I'll be honest with you, I didn't notice he was gone. That has nothing to do with Mark Henry. I'm just not very observant. It took nearly two months to realize my wife had left me... Read More

Oh, in case you were wondering, my dog didn't answer. Read More

One of these dudes is going to kiss a flag. He'll probably use tongue. I don't know about you, but if I was a flag, I'd rather be kicked... Read More

Linda says her home state has 145,000 people out of work. Is that a lot? I don't know. It sounds like a lot, but I don't know how many people live in Connecticut. So, I Googled it... Read More

Yes, folks, that has been the gist of conversation around here for the last couple of days. There has also been a police car sitting across the street for two days, but I think that is totally unrelated... Read More

I'm writing this in my underwear at 10am, already drunk, with about 200 empty beer bottles, monuments of my recent bender, cluttering up my one room apartment. So I ask myself, "What do I want?" I don't really have an answer, but I'm supposed to make a list. So I try Read More

In other news, TNA signed a new deal with Spike TV, so we can all look forward to many more years of not watching it. Read More

Well, WrestleMania is upon us. All we need now is some King Kong Bundy. I'm serious. Do you know how many times this guy could have been world champion if he hadn't always insisted that the ref count to five instead of three? He'd have been champ about twice as many times as Flair and HBK put together. But, he was an idiot... Read More

So I was watching RAW a few weeks ago when my woman happened to walk through the living room and see the above. She laughed, looked at me like I was an idiot for watching wrestling and asked, "That guy knows he's like fifty right?" Read More

Back in my day, wrestlers with six pack abs were frowned upon. That is, the announcers would sell the fact that they didn't have that extra layer of fat to protect them from body slams and such. I realize now that I'm older and wiser this doesn't make sense. But when I was a kid, it made me feel a lot better about being a fat kid... Read More

Speaking of politics, which I was, which you'd know if you paid attention, Linda McMahon is running for Senate again. How did I just realize this? Maybe because it seems like she just stopped running like a week ago. Rich people are weird... Read More

It's been a good week, but a busy one. I've been out of town for a few days. I haven't gotten much sleep, and I just thought it would be funny to let that video do all of the talking for this week. But, I figured James would hunt me down in the backwoods of MO and choke me out. That is if he could fight his way through the army of zombie-like meth heads... Read More

There were plot holes. There were WTF moments. Things moved quickly, but, good or bad, they were seldom boring. This all changed with Russo put himself on TV though. Plus, the Filthy Animals were awesome. Read More

Now in the wrestling world, we had some kind of rumble for the royalty. I paid forty bucks to see Kate Middleton in a bra and panties match, but unfortunately all I saw was a Jericho loss. Read More