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This Week in TNA: Aces and Eights, Mexicans and Champions

By Corey Letson Oct 30, 2012 - 10:15 AM print

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Previously on TNA…

Christopher Daniels – Lost his Tag Team Title

ODB – Totally tried to hook up with a reality star

Austin Aries – Just can’t let his title loss go

Bully Ray – Just can’t let his brother’s betrayal go

Matt Morgan – Just can’t let what Hogan said go

James Storm – Beat the hell out of Bobby Roode

TNA News of the Week

-Hulk Hogan had a store open this past weekend in Florida.

-TNA will be having two announce teams do the announcing for Impact from now on. One crew will take the first hour while a second has the final hour.

TNA Impact in Review

Hulk Hogan wants to thank Jeff Hardy. He gave him some killer stuff. You know the stuff I’m talking about. It sent Impact to a place it has never been before. That’s even considering when Jeff was a champ before. The world is watching Impact Wrestling now. Before hand, every single person didn’t give a crap. That’s right. No one cared about TNA until right now. All that previous stuff never mattered. What matters is now.

Jeff Hardy walks out of the meeting room and all his possible opponents are standing waiting for him. We then hear Jeff Hardy’s inner-monologue about each opponent. Yep. Welcome everyone to the first Impact Wrestling that matters. We can hear Jeff Hardy’s inner-monologues. I can see why Hogan would want some of that stuff.

Jeremy Borash and Todd something something are on commentary for the first hour. Taz and Tenay are going to be around for the second hour.

Rob Van Dam vs. Zema Ion for the X-Division Championship

This match is pretty pointless. I say that without malice. Thanks to the history of wrestling over the past decade, every single champion has a rematch clause. When a company doesn’t want someone in a program anymore they get that rematch clause out of the way on television. Guess who TNA doesn’t really care about anymore? ZEMA ION!

Really, Zema Ion is just in a holding pattern. The guy is in TNA so when Jesse Sorenson comes back they can feud.. He held the title so Sorenson could come for the title. Chances are that is going to be a long ways away still. TNA has decided to move the title to someone else and push them into the eye. Ion can gain the title around the time Sorenson is about to come back.

RVD has the title for something to do. TNA’s main problem is the lack of purpose. Outside of the main event storylines most wrestlers have no reason to be there. It’s really the reason the BFG Series works so well. Twelve guys get a reason to show up weekly. Now they’ve given RVD something to do. He is a champion and can be on the show weekly. TNA just has to fix their “flavor of the month” problem now.

EVD and Zema Ion have a good match. The crowd is totally into the entire thing. The new commentary team for the first hour is pretty damn good. It seems like this will be a good week. RVD retains with the 5-star frogsplash.

Winner: Rob Van Dam

Matt Morgan just knocked RVD out with a Carbon Footprint. Joey Ryan grabs the X-Division belt and shows it off. Hogan wanted to see a different side of Matt Morgan? Well, now he is going to get it. The two sleazy men make their way to the back.

Can the camera men get this? All these men are with Hogan begging for a title shot. Austin Aries doesn’t have to beg. Hogan uses these guys for his amusement. Austin can do that too. He is going to make fun of everyone who gets kicked out of Hogan’s office.

The Ex-World Tag Team Champions of the World have made their way to the ring. Kazarian loves that Halloween is around the corner. The real champs have been given lots of tricks but very few treats. These guys have been treated poorly for weeks. Mr. Nanny changed Kazarian’s travel making him miss last week’s show. Then at Bound for Glory, Kaz and Daniels’ titles were taken illegally. They were even taken by illegal immigrants. ZING!

Tonight is championship Thursday but it isn’t. Suburban Commando isn’t given the best tag team in the business their rematch tonight. Kaz and Daniels won’t lie to get what they want. They won’t manipulate people. The Fallen Angel isn’t going to mention every single one of their family members to get the crowd to cheer. Dixie Carter wants to court the latino audience. Why not come out with Tequila? Why not speak only in Spanish? Why not wear Sombreros? Mexican wrestlers are stupid stereotypes.

Hernandez and Chavo Guerrero want to shut up the former champs. Who needs help to get a rematch? Who needs a petition signed? Nothing would make Hernandez and Chavo more joy than giving The Future and The Fallen Angel another title shot. They want to shove it down their throats.

Hogan has decisions to make. Hardy is on top of his game. He hasn’t been on a roll in awhile. Who should fight him tonight? James Storm stole the show at Bound for Glory. Bully Ray is still steaming about Devon. Kurt Angle hasn’t had a title shot since he lost the title last year. Mr. Anderson isn’t going to grovel at the feet of Hogan. Hulk isn’t into the lack of Anderson fire. Get the **** out.

How does it feel Mr. Anderson? You didn’t say your prayers or eat your vitamins. Austin Aries is better than Mr. Anderson. He dresses better. He looks better. He is a bigger asshole than Anderson. Aries and Anderson tussle for a bit before deciding to fight tonight.

Devon is happy that everyone has come to the A&E meeting. First up the minutes from last week; the cake drive was a huge success. The mask making contests was super fun. Number Five won the pumpkin carving contest. This week, we’re not allowed to lose these new masks. We must also have the drunkest member throw a dart at a board full of men. Guess who gets sodomized tonight?

Robbie T w/ Robbie E vs Samoa Joe for the Television Championship

Poor guys, welcome to Samoa Joe circa 2005. It’s nice to see Samoa Joe getting television time that is full of complete destruction. People either love or hate Joe. There really seems to be no middle ground on him. Either people think he doesn’t look like a monster, or people think he looks perfect for the monster roll. It’s really unique. I’m a huge fan. I think he has a look that differentiates him from almost every other pro wrestler out there today, too.

Joe doesn’t take crap from no one. He doesn’t care how big they are. The champ is here. Momma said ‘knock you out’. Within four minutes Robbie T is crying for his mommy.

Winner: Samoa Joe

Miss Tessmacher has been waiting an eternity for her rematch. She wants to bring home the title tonight.

Hulk is left with three contenders. The logical choice might be someone in this room. The logical choice might be in the other locker room. Who really knows? Kurt Angle doesn’t think Bully is focused. James Storm wasn’t focused when he was backstabbed. Bully isn’t that focused on the title. Bully will fight his brother if he can’t fight Hardy tonight. Hogan doesn’t want Bully fighting for the title.

Anderson is so sick and tired of jack-offs. Anderson wants to fight. Anderson even gives a terrible Sting impression to prove his point.

Austin Aries vs. Austin Aries

I’m not going to be cynical I’m just going to ask a question and answer it. Why are these two fighting? They need something to do. Austin Aries is still big with the fans. The fans also enjoy Anderson a lot. The problem is that neither of them have anything to do if it doesn’t involve the title. Neither of them have natural feuds in the company. Anyone they would normally fight with a reason behind it are preoccupied by other issues. This could be a problem. Both men, particularly Austin Aries, might end up getting lost in the shuffle of everything else that is going on in TNA right now.

TNA does understand that people watch a wrestling show for some decent chunk of wrestling. TNA has lots of talking segments, I won’t defend them there, but they also feature multiple matches that are really well contested. These matches are also decently lengthy. Even when they have some bad storytelling, tonight being an example, the quality matches can really make it a good show.

Brian Hebner gets knocked down on accident. Austin Aries pulls out a set of brass knucks. He takes a sht from Mr. Anderson and drops them. The Asshole picks them up just as the ref sees him. Behind the referees back Austin Aries pulls another set out and knocks out Mr. Anderson. The two had a hell of a contest with an ending that makes you know more are sure to come.

Winner: Austin Aries

Tara is sick and tired of the ODB stuff. Brooke Hogan doesn’t know why Tara is worried about ODB. The Big Brother guy had to take tons of baths thanks to last week. Brooke knows what being a reality star is about. Brooke tells Tara to worry about wrestling.

Mike Tenay and Taz are kicking Todd and JB out of the booth. Somehow I knew that the knockouts match would be for Taz and Tenay. Why? I think JB might respect them too much to not talk about their tits and ass. Weird stuff, man.

Miss Tessmacher vs Tara w/ Big Brother Guy for the Knockouts Championship

We’re going to take everything I said about Zema Ion and Rob Van Dam’s title match and just apply them here. Brooke and Tara already hinted at ODB from last week. That means they’re fully focused on ODB vs Tara. It’s important because TNA can only focus on a single woman’s feud at a time. They have the same rules regarding the X-Division and Tag Division. There is the champion and the contender. No one else exists.

Tara goes down to a top rope X-Factor. Tara then tries to use the referee to pull herself up. While the referee is distracted Big Brother Guy pulls the rope down as Ms. Tessmacher is running towards it. He throws her in the ring and one Widow’s Peak later takes care of this contest.

Winner: Tara

Brooke Hogan is here and upset. Next week is Open Fight Night. ODB just called Brooke Hogan. She wants to challenge Jesse, who is the Big Brother Guy I guess, to a match next week.

Joseph Park wants an answer from Hulk about last week. Hogan doesn’t think it is a good idea. Joe doesn’t care. He was the one who was kidnapped. What is important: Joe’s health or Hulk’s liability? Don’t worry about it at all. Joe has a waiver from his law firm that takes away liability from everyone.

Bully Ray is here and doesn’t want anyone to look at his calves. Not many things shock Bully Ray after twenty years. Bound for Glory shocked him once the mask came off. Devon came out and gave a weak excuse as to why he did what he did. Devon needs to get into the ring and tell him what has happened.

Why? Why? Bully and Devon are no longer a tag team. Bully and Devon are no longer family. Enough said. This has nothing to do with Bully Ray. This entire thing has to do with Hulk Hogan. Hogan said he wanted Devon back. Hogan never called or texted Devon. The guy just played politics in front of the camera and on Twitter to make themselves look good.

TNA and Hogan didn’t do anything. The brotherhood has been there for Devon. Bully needs to walk away and leave it be. It isn’t about him. It also isn’t going to involve him. Bully Ray isn’t a threat anymore.

Two years ago, Bully Ray and Devon tried to retire as TNA Tag team champions. No one has ever kicked out of the 3-D. It doesn’t matter about TNA, WWE, ECW, Japan, or anywhere. Nobody kicked out of the 3-D. That all changed when the Motor City Machine Guns kicked out of the 3-D. That night in the back Devon could only say ‘Screw the fans. We’re rich.’ That is why Bully Ray attacked Devon two years ago.

Devon and Bully want to fight. It won’t happen tonight. It will happen on Devon’s time. Aces and Eights are going home. Bully knows that Devon has been nothing but a coward his entire career. Devon has no balls and never has had any. Next Thursday is open fight night. Devon will be called out then.

Joey Ryan doesn’t care who anyone is. The Sleazy One is all about taking over. He is going to put some X-division gold around his waist first. Matt Morgan knows that Hulk Hogan started this with his list of excuses to hold Matt Morgan down. From this moment forward, Matt Morgan will be doing what he wants when he wants.

Christian York is getting a shot at Gut Check next week. Christian is an old-timer in the business to some extent. He has been there for awhile. He was Joey Matthews old partner. Christian York was actually in a few matches back in the beginning of TNA’s history.

Hulk Hogan has made his decision. He has something for James Storm that is huge. Right now, it is time for Kurt Angle to take it to him.

Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle for the TNA World Championship

Kurt Angle really only has one place in TNA. He just seems out of place in almost any other situation that doesn’t involve the World Championship. Could it be because he is bigger than TNA? I don’t think so. I just think TNA has put so much stock into Angle over the years that if he is doing anything else it just seems like he is treading water awaiting his next World Title storyline. If this is a one off match, we’ll be right back to that same feeling by next week.

Jeff Hardy is the wrestler of the year. He has been all year long. That is saying a lot. He has that title even after someone like CM Punk has been on fire all year too. Jeff Hardy is easily the face of Impact Wrestling. They tried AJ Styles for a really long time. You could argue they never put the full stock into AJ as the face of the company. Either way, whenever Jeff Hardy has been in TNA he has been the face. His fans are loyal and love him. He is probably one of the few guys, even now and in bad times, that can make people pay attention to TNA.

Jeff and Kurt had one of the Match of the Year candidates earlier in the year. This time they’re limited to about ten minutes instead of the twenty or so they got in that contest. Either way it is still two of the best going at it for 10 minutes on a free show. You can’t ask for much else sometimes. The crowd loves it completely.

Jeff Hardy and Kurt go back and forth going for the kill. Angle tries with all his might and does everything possible. Jeff Hardy counters the Angle Slam with a quick pin and retains his championship.

Winner: Jeff Hardy

Austin Aries has laid out Jeff Hardy. Austin figured he’d come out and announce when he’d like his rematch for the world title. Austin Aries doesn’t do anything for free. Turning Point will be the destination that will see Austin Aries and Jeff Hardy fight, one more time, for the world championship. Austin Aries decides to take the world title with him for safe keeping.

Aces and Eights take out Kurt Angle in the back with a massive attack as Impact goes off the air.

Conclusions and Thoughts

This was, hands down, the most bi-polar Impact I’ve seen in months. There were moments of great wrestling that were hampered down by dumb moments or terrible storytelling and plots. What a zany Impact this was.

Highlight of the Night – Angle/Hardy

Again, match of the year candidate earlier in the year. They’ve done this match multiple times throughout the year. If you haven’t watched a contest yet; you wouldn’t hurt yourself watching this one.

Lowlight of the Night – Lots

Every company seems to do this thing once in their existence. WCW had Hulk Hogan see The Ultimate Warrior in the mirror. WWE had Kane seeing the Undertaker. There was the Boogeyman in the mirror with Booker T. TNA has done this on an occasion or two. Every single time it just doesn’t work. The false reality you build has rules. When those rules break then the false reality crumbles. We’re all in an inception watching wrestling and don’t want the reality to break.

List of things that made me go “ugh” tonight:

1) Hardy can project his thoughts through a television at will.

2) Bully Ray was really a misunderstood hero this entire time? He just wanted the world title too. Which made him kind of a dick, I guess?

3) The tag champs hate Mexicans. They think they’re a dumb stereotype and only have a title because Latinos will watch. They said all of this on the air of a nationally shown product.

Five Questions for TNA

1) How does the audio manager know to play Aces and Eights music when they always come from outside the building and randomly? Was music part of their BFG match?

2) Why can’t we hear Jeff Hardy’s inner-monologue all the time?

3) Why did they ret-con the entire Bully Ray story?

4) Why does Hulk Hogan still gather people to find a number one contender? I mean, if he knew Anderson didn’t have it in him, why invite him? If he knew Bully Ray wasn’t focused, why ask him? If he had an idea for James Storm, why tease him?

5) Am I starting to go as insane as Mike Johns got about this product?

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