Austin Aries - Couldn't win the X-Division Championship
Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez - Sitting pretty just holding some gold
Samoa Joe - Sitting pretty just holding some gold
Aces and Eights - Went an entire week without beating anyone down
Bobby Roode - Will do anything to stay champion
. Hulk Hogan - Doesn't want to see Bully and Brooke wrestle
Christopher Daniels - Going through his 20th mid-career crisis
TNA News of the Week -San Antonio will be the host to TNA's LOCKDOWN PPV on March 10th, 2013
TNA Impact in Review
The IT Factor of Professional Wrestling has shown up with pro wrestling’s resident super villain and side kick. Bobby Roode, Christopher Daniels, and Kazarian are here to speak their peace. The Future (circa 2004) wants everyone to listen. Tonight is going to be “throwback Thursday”. The middle of this ring holds the best part of Fortune. It’s an old TNA group. If you don’t remember them it isn’t too big of a deal. These things happen. There are a lot of random groups in TNA.
Everybody makes guarantees. Bobby Roode has made guarantees. The only difference is that when Bobby Roode guarantees something he follows through. This Sunday at Final Resolution Bobby Roode guarantees he will be World Champion. Jeff Hardy will learn that it pays to be Roode. This the thing he’s going for? That the new catch phrase?
Daniels wants to make a guarantee too. This Sunday he will win. AJ Styles will lose. This will happen one last time. Now, why doesn’t AJ Styles come on out and talk? They are all pals. Daniels and Kaz can do some of that Ke$ha ‘Blah, Blah, Blah’.
AJ knows what Chris is going to say. He knows him better than anyone. AJ Styles makes Christopher Daniels jealous. Throughout all the lies and deception then on AJ’s worst day Daniels won’t beat him. It is just a fact.
Christopher Daniels wants to talk facts. The Fallen Angel has called him a loser. Throughout the year all of Styles’ loses aren’t Christopher Daniels fault. It is just AJ finding out that what Daniels has been saying is fact. AJ Styles is a loser.
Styles and daniels begin to throw down in a bro-down until Roode, Kaz, Hardy, and Storm try to intervene.
Austin Aries just started pointing out the Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan romance to get at Hulk Hogan. Austin just wanted the X-Division title again. Now it’s personal between Ray and Aries. They need to fight at Final Resolution.
Samoa Joe vs. Devon for the Television Championship
Samoa Joe isn’t going anywhere big. He isn’t really treading water either. They feature him on television and give him a place to shine. It might even pay off in the longer game. People like Joe. On the other side of that, there is no real “competition” in the TNA mid-card. Who can really take him down for the title? Heck, where would they even put Joe after losing the title?
Devon is an upper-card player. Should he be? Different conversation entirely. Devon got himself in good, good shape last year. Devon even put on some solid matches here and there last year. The problem is, even now, Devon can only be seen as one half of The Dudley Boys. Devon is, as of this moment, the leader of Aces and Eights on the air. He could, possibly, finally get away from his tag team history and actually be seen as something different if this continues to go smoothly.
Joe and Devon go back and forth. Devon gets to meet Samoa Joe circa 2005. Samoa Joe gets to meet Devon early 2012. Neither man truly rules the contest. Samoa Joe locks in the Rear Naked Choke. A random blonde jumps up on the apron distracting the referee as DoC nails Joe with a hammer to the head. Devon falls on Samoa Joe for the pin and the win.
Winner and NEW Television Champion: Devon
Brooke wants to work for Verizon. She is excited the contracts are signed, sealed, and delivered. There is a girl that is coming tonight.
Al Snow is getting blood tests done by the hospital for the police. Al was totally drugged. He can’t remember his last week at all. I wonder if Al Snow got…head. See? Because he use to have head. It was a mannequin head. Remember? Like, a fifteen years ago. Remember? Huh? Huh? Nevermind.
Mickie James feels good. She wants to thank everyone for their support and love. Mickie James wants to be the Knockouts Champion.
Tara and Jesse don’t care. Jesse loves his muscles, though. Tara has had a great year. She got rid of her friend Brooke Tessmacher, got herself a man in Jesse, and got the Knckouts Championship.
Velvet Sky is here. Taz has a boner. These things are related to each other. We’re going to hear about pigeons again. I still don’t understand it. Taz just ejaculated. He made the messed up joke about it. It didn’t even make sense. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Velvet Sky wants to thank Brooke Hogan for bringing her back to Impact Wrestling. Velvet Sky wants to wish both women luck. The year 2013 will be the year of Velvet Sky. She says this right into the camera and doesn’t look at either woman. It makes it odd.
1.13.13 someone is coming. I’m guessing Abyss. It’s the only guess I got. Unless they resigned Sting.
Robbie E can’t pay his insurance online. Robbie T pays Robbie E’s insurance online for him. Direct Auto - Not for people from the shore.
Robbie E and T vs. Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez
Chavo and Hernandez are getting this match to remind people they have the tag team titles. Chavo and Hernandez have very little competition in the tag team realm. Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan have a chance on Sunday, but that is just to propel Matt Morgan further. I’m guessing he’ll be doing that by himself. It doesn’t require tag team gold. Hernandez and Chavo should be good for a decent while.
Robbie E and T are here to show that they still have jobs.
Chavo is the technician of the team. The problem is he is also smaller and can take a bit of a beating. It doesn’t matter much. Hernandez uses his power to destroy the Robbies before Chavo wins with a frog splash.
Winners: Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez
Everybody pay attention to Joey Ryan. The tag champs listen. Matt Morgan lays them out with a big clothesline from behind. Everything matters more when you’re the big Morgan and the big organ. OOOOOOOOOOH!
Devon is watching ladies dance and other ladies titties. Devon loves titties. Should they throw a dart? It doesn’t matter. A&E has been paid off. Money talks, bullshit walks.
Last week, D’Lo Brown cast the deciding vote for Wes Brisco to join the TNA roster.
Kurt is so happy for his friend. Wes couldn’t have done it without him. Garett is also a great kid. Kurt Angle is facing D.o.C. tonight. He is happy to have his protégés watching his back.
Chavo and Hernandez will look their opponents right in the eyes as they beat them down on Sunday.
Kurt Angle vs. D.o.C.
I’ll say it every week until it changes. I only say it because it is true. Kurt Angle is, more or less, in a holding pattern until they can give him something real. Kurt Angle is a main event player that doesn’t fit anywhere outside of the main event. Kurt’s story with A&E is that he doesn’t even know why they’re going after him. The reason for that is that TNA doesn’t know either. They just need Kurt Angle occupied in a big role until they give him the world championship feud. Kurt feels out of place anywhere else. Kurt Angle is a bit bigger than most of TNA.
D.o.C. is being used really well. He is a big guy who is in a role that really highlights his strengths. D.o.C. gets to be a monster that takes down everyone will violence. There is very little wrestling done by D.o.C. and it is the one thing he should never have to do. D.o.C. is a brawler that makes it comes off more like a fight. It is a nice refreshing style to see in a company that normally focuses on highlight reel moments.
Kurt Angle takes a beating. He gives D.o.C. a bit of a fight too. Angle is thrown around like a rag doll. The Olympic Hero really strives through the beating. He finds a small opening and begins to work his offensive strategy against D.o.C. Once Angle is in control, A&E make their way to the ring Wes Brisco, Samoa Joe, and Garett Bischoff come down to run them off.
No Contest
Hulk Hogan is on the phone with someone in his office. He is looking at every internet website. He wants Joseph Park to talk to Al Snow about going down there. If Joseph Park can survive OVW he’ll get hired.
Bully Ray wanted a match against Austin Aries last week. Today, Bully Ray is telling Hulk he wants a match with Austin Aries.
What is so funny? This match will be given to him right now. Hulk Hogan forgot that Bully Ray is ten times the deal Hulk Hogan was. Wait, he isn’t. The answer is no. Bully Ray bets that by the end of the night he gets exactly what he wants.
James Storm is coming to Jeff Hardy to let him know everything will go alright tonight. Bobby Roode will do anything he can to win the championship. James Storm doesn’t want Jeff Hardy to fall into the same trap as him.
Jeff Hardy’s mind is projected out to our ears. He questions James Storm’s words. I question why this is still happening every week.
Kid Kash vs. Zema Ion vs. Kenny King
Kid Kash can wrestle more than once a month? Zema Ion is still doing something in TNA? Kenny King still has a job?
There are a lot of flips, flops, and high-flying moves. Every man gets to show off some of their hot button stuff. Even at his older age Kid Kash is entertaining. This style, when used in moderation, is very entertaining. Kenny King lands a huge cross-ring Buff Blockbuster. He follows it up with the Royal Flush for a win.
Winner and NEW #1 Contender: Kenny King
Bully Ray is pissed off. Hulk Hogan is so damn stubborn. Bully Ray is taking over the show and getting exactly what he wants.
1.13.13. Someone is coming. Again, it’ll be Abyss. If it isn’t…Sting is coming back.
Remember the Austin Aries revealing about Brooke and Bully? Here is a nice little video package about it.
Bully Ray wants to fight Austin Aries. Austin Aries wants to fight Bully Ray. The TNA fans want to see Austin Aries and Bully Ray fight. Don’t they? Ray will be sitting down in the middle of the ring and shall not budge until he gets exactly what he wants.
Whoa. Austin Aries won’t believe this crap. He is suppose to believe that Bully Ray wants to fight Austin? Last time, Austin Aries destroyed Bully Ray and made him tap. Ray just has to pretend to look like a man to his woman. That all makes it so adorable.
Ray wants Austin in the ring right now. Austin doesn’t do what others want. Austin does what Austin wants. Bully is going to sit in the ring. Austin is going to sit a comfortable distance away from the ring and take over the show by berating Bully Ray over the microphone.
Hulk Hogan is tired of this. The match isn’t going to happen. Hogan is the general manager. Bully Ray either goes back to the locker room or Hogan will kick/fire his ass. Austin Aries and the crowd want to see daddy and soon-to-be son-in-law throw down.
Brooke Hogan thinks her dad is making it too personal. Brooke just wants her baby to be happy. Is this too personal? It doesn’t matter anymore. These two have their match.
Kazarian, Christopher Daniels, and Bobby Roode vs. James Storm, AJ Styles, and Jeff Hardy
I dislike these kinds of matches. I just don’t get trying to have people pay for matches that you’re basically giving them a bit of just days prior. If you kept the opponents away from each other only for a heel to sneak a win, maybe. It’s just full of the opponents of a PPV fighting each other days before fighting each other on a PPV.
When it comes to where these guys are, we all know. James Storm is treading some water after being number one contender. Kazarian is the sidekick to TNA’s resident super villain. AJ Styles and Daniels have nothing to do so they’ll be fighting each other. Bobby Roode is one of the only well built heels for Jeff Hardy to fight now that he is done with Austin Aries.
This match could really just be considered a TNA homegrown main event. Outside of Jeff Hardy, who comes off like a member of TNA nowadays, these are all their own stars in a main event people want to watch. TL;DR you need to watch the match. It’s really good.
AJ Styles falls victim to a triple team attack late. The Phenomenal One fights out with quick reversals. He can’t stop Christopher Daniels from getting in some offense. James Storm saves AJ Styles from a loss. AJ isn’t happy that James Storm came to his rescue. While the two men argue Jeff Hardy tags himself in and puts Kazarian down with the Twist of Fate.
Winners: James Storm, AJ Styles, and Jeff Hardy
Aces and Eights run into the ring and begin a beat down on Jeff Hardy. After taking a huge beating James Storm runs them off with a chair. Bobby Roode looks on approvingly. Aces and Eights give Bobby the thumbs up as Impact goes off the air.
Conclusions and Thoughts
It wasn’t a bad go home show at all. They took their storylines and put them all through the ringer to make sure we got from point A to point B smoothly. Some of the stories are a bit rougher than others. That isn’t any fault of the performers. Turning Point isn’t looking like a must see PPV, but it could surprise with multiple contests that are really, really good.
Highlight of the Night - The Main Event
TNA’s homegrown stars going at it in a 6-man contest that all wrestling fans can enjoy. If they could’ve crammed Austin Aries and uhhhhh…the reborn Bully Ray into that I think you would’ve had a collage of TNA’s decade in wrestling.
Lowlight of the Night - Brooke, The Bully, and The Hulkster
I just don’t love the storyline. It’s just me. If you like it, cool. Brooke Hogan becoming a TV character is not a great idea to me either. There is just a lot going against this and very little going for it. Bully Ray might get a world title reign out of it though. Granted, it won’t be as the awesome heel Bully, but instead as the Brooke Hogan loving Bully.
Five Questions for TNA
1) What are you going to do with Joe?
2) How long have you been able to pay off Aces and Eights? Why not just pay them to stay out of TNA?
3) Anyone else surprised that TNA announcers haven’t made offhanded comments about “The Shield” being an Aces and Eights rip-off?
4) Kenny King still has a job?
5) Seriously? Kenny King has a job? Where has he been for months?
