Austin Aries - Found out a secret about Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan
Brooke Hogan - She likes to get bullied.
Bully Ray - He wants to show a Hogan he has a pretty big python too.
Hulk Hogan - Wishes he could be Bully Ray right now.
AJ Styles - Going through a mid-career crisis.
TNA News of the Week
-San Antonio will be the host to TNA's LOCKDOWN PPV on March 10th, 2013
This Week on TNA Impact
The almighty Hulkster is here. He has come to grace the Impact Zone with his presence. There is a lot of energy in this building tonight. Hulk doesn't just run the show. Hulk Hogan is a father too. Last week, the general manager and father met face to face. Bully Ray needs to get out here.
Hogan wants the answer straight and correct (author note: what a f'n gangster) the first time. Hogan doesn't trust Bully Ray. He has never trusted Bully Ray. Now Hulk wants answers? He expects them now?
What is going on between Brooke and he is not something that Hulk wants to know. Answers? Answers? Does Hogan want to know who the number one man in his daughter's life really is?
OH SHIT SON! We're getting ourselves a Jerry Springer set-up here. It just can't get better. Brooke even comes down to get in-between her men.
Brooke isn't eighteen anymore. Hogan doesn't care. He'll slap a hoe if he has too. This isn't what he thinks. Hulk doesn't care. She will never be with another wrestler (author question: except Hulk himself?). Especially not Bully Ray.
Hulk is wasting time. Austin Aries is in the back with men who want to wrestle. Aries and the boys want to wrestle. How can they do that with Hulk Hogan dealing with stupid issues and not running his wrestling company?
Todd, Mike, and Taz welcome us to "Championship Thursday". Rob Van Dam will face somebody. We don't know who. We'll find out later tonight. We'll also find out Brooke's favorite position. I don't know why that is important to anything.
Gail Kim vs. Mickie James
Taz loves sexy women. He totally would screw them. He would do them so hard.
Mickie and Gail have a good match. They're two of the best female wrestlers in the world. What else would you expect? Mickie is getting ready for her title match against Tara at the upcoming PPV and Gail Kim is the only knockout who can be on the show without a storyline.
Gail kicks out of, what Mickie thought, was a for sure cover. It caused Mickie to be a tad too distracted. Gail comes back on the attack. It doesn't last for long as a miscalculation on Ms. Kim's part leads to a loss after Mickie lands the DDT.
Winner: Mickie James
James Storm is a man. He makes choices whether they're good or bad. Don't bring his daughter in on this. AJ doesn't get it. He doesn't get a shot at the world title. Why are you whining so much, James? You sound all faggy.
Fun and games? Hulk is the general manager. Yeah, he is. Hulk is also a father. Everyone needs to sit down and listen. The X-Division is a big problem. Why does Kenny King deserve a title shot?
Kenny King - He made an impact. He was awesome at Destination X (Note: He hasn't been back since)
Austin Aries - Thinks he deserves a shot.
Zema Ion - The prettiest X-Division Champion
Kid Kash - The first X-Division pioneer
Kenny King is eliminated.
Bobby Roode will be the new World Heavyweight Champion. Last week, Jeff Hardy got called out by a nobody. He got called out by a rookie. It only took one move for Bobby Roode to lay him out. Jeff Hardy could barely beat him.
Bobby Roode isn't impressed. The Charismatic Enigma is a paper champion. To make a name for yourself in TNA you don't waste time on Jeff Hardy. You call out the longest reigning world champion in the history of this company.
Christian York is tired of hearing Bobby Roode talk. Bobby Roode doesn't care. This is the IT Factor's time. That means Christian York needs to take his bum looking, constantly 'bating ass out of the ring.
Christian York decides to call out Bobby Roode. He does so by yelling "I'm calling you out. You just got called out. I just called you out" all while Bobby Roode is standing a good ten feet from him.
Bobby Roode vs. Christian York
Last week, Christian York put on a fine performance for his "debut". The guy showed that he is a solid wrestler. He continues that trend in a match with Bobby Roode. The guy can wrestle. He just isn't anything super special. That last sentence is purely my own opinion and not the opinion of anyone else.
Unfortunately for York, this match is about Bobby Roode showing dominance. The IT Factor wants to show just how great he can be. He'll easily prove he is better than Hardy. They need to reestablish that Bobby Roode can take on the world and destroy it at will. Bobby hasn't been in a power position for a decent amount of time.
The kid puts on another good showing. He isn't completely dominated, but they show that he isn't at the level of a man like Bobby Roode. Roode is ruthless and vicious. Christian York might be able to fly and do some damage, but he doesn't have the mean streak Roode has. The longest reigning world champion in TNA history locks in a crossface until York is forced to tap out.
Winner: Bobby Roode
Todd, Taz, and Mike take another look back at A&E's ruthless attacks on the TNA locker room over the past month.
Lots of people think that A&E only hit people who are randomly chosen. It's time to be festive. DoC gets to go one-on-one with Kurt Angle next week. Devon wants his Television title back. He never lost it. If Devon can't get a guarantee from Hogan he will have a chance, then there will be Hell tonight.
Last week, Wes Brisco got a shot at Gut Check and won his match.
Taz knows that Wes winning was a big deal. The kid looks like an athlete, he is trained, he has pedigree. The guy made a lot of mistakes too. Taz thinks Kurt's endorsement means a lot. Bruce doesn't think it makes a vote all in it's own. We'll find out what happens with Gut Check tonight.
Bruce Pritchard hasn't seen anyone else today. Kurt wants to make sure that Wes gets a contract. Bruce doesn't care right now. He has a show to run. D'Lo can't get hold of Al Snow. No one knows where he is at the current moment.
Kazarian and Daniels just want AJ Styles to know it's ironic he is teaming with James Storm tonight. When Daniels and Styles face off for the last time, AJ Styles will be sorry about his damn luck. He will have to hear 'Winner and Greatest Between the Two of All-Time: Christopher Daniels".
Kazarian and Christopher Daniels vs. James Storm and AJ Styles
Two of the best things in TNA, at the moment, are Daniels and Kazarian. Christopher Daniels is a real-life comic book evil villain. Kazarian is his not-as-cool side kick. No one likes Kazarian if it weren't for Christopher Daniels. That doesn't matter too much, for now, as they seem to have no indication of splitting up.
AJ Styles is in a holding pattern for a year. They seem to be planning on dragging his madness out throughout next year. It's the one interesting story they can do. AJ Styles might go mad throughout the early course of next year and begin snapping during the BFG series. They could easily take it to AJ's rise back to the top through having to endure the BFG series one more time. Time will tell exactly what is in store for AJ Styles' progression.
James Storm isn't doing anything either right now. The guy is just a sitting duck. He looks to be the guy who will be Styles' catalyst. It isn't a bad roll. The bad roll is where James Storm is after that. The Cowboy sits in AJ Styles' normal spot. He is a big name player in TNA with nothing to really do outside of random stuff. He sits in a holding pattern until they can give him something temporary. The main event area is too flooded and Storm will just float around it.
AJ Styles is off his game. He can't work with his partner and is messing up simple maneuvers. The Phenomenal One is even being played by his opponents because he can't keep his concentration. This infuriates his partner, as they can't keep a momentum and Storm has to do the brunt of the work.
This is a really classic tag team match. James Storm takes a lot of punishment before AJ can finally get the tag into the match. He concentrates after the tag. This allows him to take down Daniels, seemingly, securing a win. Styles gets overzealous, attempting to go after Kazarian on the outside. His plan backfires. Daniels and Kazarian, Bad Influence, are in line for the win until Storm tags himself in. James Storm wins the match using a Last Call Superkick.
Winners: AJ Styles and James Storm
Austin Aries, Zema, and Kid are all back in Hogan's office. He needs some action tonight. Hulk doesn't want anyone to kiss his ass. Kid Kash lets him know that he is the toughest SOB in this company. There is no one who deserves one final shot at the title.
Hulk doesn't care. He just wants to hear about Austin Aries. Is there anyone else to stir things up around here? The old man? The gay guy? There is no reason to pick Austin Aries.
Hulk Hogan is done. Rob Van Dam hates Austin Aries. He gets the title shot.
The Sergeant at Arms only talks. He doesn't fight. Samoa Joe stepped in and took over because Devon wouldn't fight. Next week, he can come for the belt all he wants.
Joey Ryan is going to do the introductions. Christy Hemme needs to go make Sleazy a sandwich. Size does matter. Ladies and Gentlemen, Matt Morgan.
Doug Williams vs. Matt Morgan w/ Joey Ryan
Matt Morgan is a big guy. He is a big, mad guy. He is a big, mad, bad guy. Matt Morgan is on a spree of destruction against anyone in his path. The Blueprint wants the promises that he feels everyone told him he would have. Matt Morgan has no problem taking anything he wants too.
Doug Williams is a solid wrestler. He is, actually, a pretty damn great wrestler. The guy has held multiple titles throughout TNA. His personality is probably the only thing that ever held him back from being a decent sized deal in TNA.
Matt Morgan kills Doug Williams. Matt Morgan is trying to Ryback his way through the entire Impact roster until Hogan listens to him. Boot, choke, chokeslam, Carbon Footprint.
Winner: Matt Morgan
Al Snow's wife hasn't heard from him. D'Lo can't find him. What happens if Taz and Bruce disagree? D'Lo will stand in.
Bruce Pritchard reminds everyone that Al Snow can't be found. They haven't called the police or anything, but the guy might be dead. We don't really know. D'Lo will be taking his place. If he votes no, he'll shake his head with his arms stuck out.
Bruce Pritchard - He was there when his uncle won the world championship. Bruce traveled, and beat, his father. This wasn't Wes' best effort. Bruce knows he could do better. Bruce says yes.
Taz - It wasn't a great match on Wes' part. He was so close. Sure he won, but it just wasn't there at all. Taz says no.
Wes gets a chance to "kick out". Bruce is thanked for the support. Taz's opinion is respected by Wes. All he has ever wanted to do is wrestle. He isn't doing it for himself. Wes has fans. Wes has family. They want to watch him wrestle. Wes wants a chance and wants D'Lo to give it to him.
D'Lo - He has known his family a long time. Wes' career has been watched by D'Lo. Mr. Brown is conflicted. He doesn't know if Brisco is ready to be a prime-time wrestler. D'Lo respects Taz and Bruce. Kurt Angle goes to bat for him. D'Lo has no problem telling him 'Yes'.
Wes Brisco "wins" Gut Check
Bully Ray wants to know if Austin Aries offended Bully Ray, Brooke, and Hulk tonight? Why not tell Bully Ray he can kill Austin Aries? Business and personal should never be confused. Hulk thinks Bully should think the same thing.
There's that f*g talk again.
ODB's husband was taken out by Aces and Eights last week. They shattered his bones. She can't even deal with being around right now.
Does Hulk think Austin Aries fighting RVD is an accident? It isn't. Austin Aries is going to use the X-Division title to get his world title back. Hogan fell right into the trap. Hulk knows. His eyes were opened. Hogan can't wait for RVD to knock A Double out.
Austin Aries vs. Rob Van Dam for the X-Division Championship
RVD has the title because...I don't know why. I think they gave it to him to keep him around. Honestly, they'd be better suited to give it to basically anyone. Sure, RVD can bring in a small crowd and everything, but putting RVD in pointless matches still gives RVD fans RVD. There are lots of younger guys and people with more long term potential who could benefit from the television time more than RVD.
Austin Aries is in the same spot as AJ Styles, James Storm, and Kurt Angle. These guys are all main event players. TNA's problem is there is no middle ground. You're either a main eventer or a jobber. There just isn't a foundation between the two. This leaves guys like Austin Aries to just find something to grasp on. Luckily, there is meat on the bones of a Bully Ray/Austin Aries program. Especially when they switch up the roles from their previous encounters this past year.
Austin Aries and RVD wrestle against each other for the first time ever. RVD is a good wrestler. Austin Aries is a good wrestler. These two go at it for about 10 minutes. It is worth watching. Aries understands pro wrestling. RVD makes everything look pretty brutal. These two things combined leave you with a contest you have no problems enjoying.
Austin Aries and RVD trade big blows. Every time RVD lands a kick; Austin Aries lands a big forearm or kick too. Austin Aries' cockiness almost costs him. RVD lands a huge kick. He then decides to go for the 5-Star Frogsplash. Austin Aries quickly throws RVD off the top turnbuckle to the floor.
A Double grabs the microphone to tell RVD just what he thinks. Van Dam looks just as crappy, sweaty, and disheveled as Brooke Hogan.
Bully Ray won't have any of this. He runs down the ramp and makes sure Austin Aries gets what is coming to him. The Greatest Man That Ever Lived escapes the ring, but he is caught between Hulk Hogan and Bully Ray. Aries scurries away from both. Impact goes off the air with Hulk Hogan staring daggers into Bully Ray.
No Contest
Conclusions and Thoughts
Impact flowed this week. It did something that is always good in any show. You can have an overarching story that goes from one week to the next, but you also need a story that starts at the beginning of the show and has some sort of cliffhanger or resolution at the end. This show started with Austin Aries calling out Bully Ray and Brooke's love situation. It led to discussion of Hulk's trust. The show then bookended with Austin Aries scurrying away from two men who don't know what to think of each other. That is a way to do a show like Impact weekly. Quality of the story; different subject completely.
Highlight of the Night - Kaz and Daniels vs. James Storm and AJ Styles
It was a really classic tag team match. The story involved has a lot of potential. These are four of TNA's homegrown talent. They can go in the ring and deliver a match that is as good as anything Raw will put on. Sometimes you just can't ask for more than a solid tag team match with an overlying, and interesting, story.
Lowlight of the Night - The Threeway of the Heart
I'm biased because I don't trust wrestling programs to do a love story right. When they do one right (see: Jacobs, Jimmy or Haze, Daizee) it touches a nerve with their key demographic that usually stirs up some mixed emotions. When done in the flavor this will probably be done, that of a soap opera. It will probably only lead to moments of extreme shame for anyone watching. I could, and wouldn't mind, being wrong.
Five Questions for TNA:
1) How many wrestlers has Brooke hooked up with? I only ask because Hulk made it a point to mention "no more wrestlers".
2) Why does the A&E act with a social contract? Will we ever get to read theirs?
3) Can you dress Daniels up like Magneto just once?
4) Why hasn't anyone called the cops about Al Snow yet?
5) Why is Matt Morgan with Joey Ryan?
