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JG's Scene From WWE Raw (After Vince McMahon Goes Senile)

By James Guttman Apr 18, 2013 - 12:19 PM print


Fans and commentators alike often lament on what WWE will look like "when Vince McMahon finally loses it". Well, lament no longer. Here it is. Thanks to the power of that Iranian time machine, I now present you with your answers. What will Raw look like when the creative force behind it finally succumbs to his dementia? This. It'll look exactly like this:



 

Fart: Welcome everyone to WWE Raw. My name is Fart. (pause - hand held to earpiece) Ahem, Fugly Fart. My name is Fugly Fart. Joining me as always is Biceps Thunderpuss. Biceps, we have a capacity crowd on hand.

Biceps Thunderpuss: Schlongmeat, Fugly. Schlongmeat, my friend.

Fart: Schlongmeat indeed. Let's head down to the ring for the introductions of our next contest.

Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following candy corn eating contest is set for best two out of six falls with remaining candy corn being donated to the troops in Denver. Introducing first, from Stinkhole, Maryland, weighing in at fatso, FAHKTED TURNER!

"I Got a Man" by Positive K blares out while Fahkted Turner exits a helicopter and repels to the ring. He points earnestly to the giant bucket of candy corns in the ring.

Ring Announcer: And his opponent, from Parts Unblown, weighing in at flabby bitch boobs…"The Bodybuilder" Quarterback Senator!

"United States of Whatever" by Liam Lynch plays over the loudspeaker as Quarterback Senator rides a tricycle to the ring.

Fart: Biceps, how many candy corns do you suppose are in that bucket right now?

Biceps: Schlongmeat.

Fart: You've got that right. Looks like the action is getting underway in the ring. Both men look….

Suddenly the sounds of baby seals being killed play over the speakers.

Biceps: BITTIES! BITTIES!

Fart: That's right, Biceps! It's Tig Ol' Bitties! She looks absolutely amazing tonight following her big win last night over Zack Ryder.

Biceps: Bitties be fine! Schlongmeat!

Fart: Spot on, Biceps. She's in the ring and it looks like she's going to join in on this candy corn contest. Biceps, how many candy corns do you suppose are in that pail there?

Biceps: Schlongmeat.

Fart: Absolutely. So let's get this contest started with…

"Chocolate Rain" by Tay Zonday rings out into the arena.

Fart: You know what that music means, Biceps! It's Honey Bunny Rub Rub and his manager Asshole. I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Biceps: Asshole! Tig Ol' Bitties!

Fart: And don't forget that bucket of candy corn.

Biceps: Schlongmeat.

Fart: Positively. Let's get this contest started.

CLUCK CLOOOOOCK! BOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!

Fart: There' s the strangled chicken and gong to start the match. We're underway. Candy corn flying everywhere. Don't worry folks, we’re going to scoop those off the ground and send them over to the troops out in Denver. Good for them. Bamboo Shoots in my genitals. This candy eating is fast and furious, Biceps.

Biceps: You mean schlongmeat candy.

Fart: Yes I do. They're eating at a fever pitch and…oh, there it is. We knew this would happen eventually. They've all taken their pants down and their rubbing their asses against each other. It’s an old fashion Great American Ass Bash!

Biceps: Schlongmeat?

Fart: Nope. Just the asses this time. But still, this is an amazing sight. Trending now on Twitter is stool samples and Triple H. Stool samples and Triple H trending on Twitter. And we all know…

"No Chance in Hell" suddenly begins playing. Vince McMahon, naked, appears on the Titan Tron.

Fart: The chairman is here, Biceps!

Vince looks stoically into the camera, takes a deep breath, and bellows…

Vince McMahon: Mother... BUTTER… PEANUT F*CKER!

Fart: There you have it, Biceps. The match is over and the chairman has spoken. Looks like another six weeks of winter.

Biceps: Schlongmeat.

Fart: What the f*ck did you just say to me, you filthy son of a bitch?

Biceps: Uh…What?

Fart: Nothing. Stay tuned, folks. In Hour Seven tonight, Stephanie McMahon will read from SuperFudge while wearing a short skirt. But first, Humpty Dump Pee takes on Date Rape Stanley in a Money In The Butt Match. Should be disgusting. See you after the break.



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