JG Note: Some people write Hulk Hogan off as an exaggerator. Some call him a self promoter. Worst of all, some call him a fibber. But not me. I see the Hulkster as a modern day Hans Christian Andersen spreading yellow and red tales meant to inspire all who hear them. That's why I was so happy when I received the following article from Hogan himself. That way, in four years, when he starts to claim things that don't match up to your memories, you won't be surprised. It's a look back at 2012 through Hulk Colored Glasses, brother. Because your memories are all wrong and here's why...
I got my pump back, jack, Hulkamaniacs!
2012, brother, has been the year of the Hulkster and I couldn't be prouder. Of course, many of you will see this as the year when you finally got a chance to watch video of me being pleasured. Ah yes. That video is called TNA Impact and it airs every Thursday on Spike TV.
But that's not all I did, brother. I've been busy saving the world and taking some names. For example…
Whatcha gonna do, Jerry Sandusky, when the largest arms in, uh, my condo development run wild on you!
That nasty Jerry Sandusky was banging kids for years until the power of Hulkamania rose up and pointed the finger in his face.
As he looked into my eyes, Mean Gene, I saw the blackness of the devil, man. I got on my Harley Davidson, revved that engine up, and, brother, with the power of Hulkamania coursing through my veins, I picked him up above my head and slammed him into prison. The power of my slam was so great that instantly his victims all became unraped and Penn State made me their president.
But the power of Hulkamania wasn't done yet. Chris Brown called me up, brother. He goes, "Hulkster, I love Rihanna. But I'm a changed man. I don't want to hurt her anymore. How can you help me, brother?" So I said, "Brother, I'll be there to help you. You're like my brother from another mother, brother."
Nasty Nick loaded up the 'Vette and downed a fifth of Jack Daniels. We rolled to Chris's house and I made sure he never had to put a hand on her again. How'd I do this, brother? With the largest arms in the world. Here. Look at this picture of how he got her to accept his engagement. Thanks, in full, to Hulk Hogan…
I said, "You marry him right now you Lisa Bonet-looking mother f**ker or else the largest arms in the world are gonna drop the Harley Davidson on the devil, brother!"
She did and the world rejoiced. No one is more loved that Chris Brown. That blockhead.
When I was done with that, I created this cute little dance on Youtube. All the kids were doing it.
But it's not just dancing and fun in the land of yellow and red. No way, brother. Politics are a big part of my life. I believe in no taxes for Florida (or, in the very least, my development). I believe in yellow leather cowboy boots. I believe in walrus moustaches. I believe in a lot of stuff. So when Clint Eastwood asked me to sit in a chair while he told me over and over again how wonderful I am, I accepted.
See me smiling there? I was so happy. Afterwards, Clint asked me to kill him because he said no night could top this. I didn't kill him, of course, but rather used my super powers to restore his youth and transform him into the young Chinese girl on ABC's Modern Family.
My next stop was the election. 17 billion people came out to vote and I received 198% of the electrical collage. I electrocuted everyone. Everyone was clapping and chanting my name. Even Saddam Hussein, brother, rose from the grave and applauded me. But I said, "No way, Saddam Hussein! " And dropped the big leg on him straight down to hell, brother. Side by side with the devil on my Harley Davidson, bra.
I decided that the presidency wasn't worth my time because I wanted to focus on my upcoming 2013-2015 TNA World Championship reign. So, after a hard fought game of Hogan Says, Bob Rock Obama won the presidency. But I told him that if he steps out of line, whatcha gonna do, brother? He kissed me on both cheeks and offered his wife - which I politely declined.
But to show what a great sport I was, I still went to Mitch Romney's house for Thanksgiving. He served a turkey that I grew myself in the garden. His name was Brutus and he wore Capri pants.
But the biggest story of the year was the big apocalypse. Maya Rudolph said that the Earth was going to be hit by a rogue planet on December 21st, 2012. So the Hulkster, brother, called ol' Saint Nick and said, "Santa, brother, you need to load this sleigh up and send it to the stars, brother. The Hulkster will ride that bitch like Black Beauty (the prostitute, not the horse)." So he did.
And I did.
And that's how I saved the Earth in 2012. I remember things this way. You should too. Have a great new year and remember - Train, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and don't question my f**king stories.