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JG's Ten Disturbing Wrestling Quotes

By James Guttman Jun 3, 2012 - 12:02 PM print


Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will keep you up at night and force you to vomit. Need proof? Well, in wrestling, some of the most blood curdling moments didn't occur from broken bones, but rather from spoken tones. It's hard to outdo such gems as Nicole Bass's "I want your thlide trombone in my brath thection" and Mark Henry's shocked reaction to finding a male organ on the woman he was being intimate with, but these do just that. Get ready to relive the horrors and experience some new ones with… Ten Disturbing Wrestling Quotes.


The Pat Patterson Taste Test

Ooooo!

Do you remember the day someone killed Santa Claus in front of you?

Oh wait, you probably don't. That's ridiculous and doesn't happen to anyone. Except, well...it kind of happened for me and every other fan of the early 1990s.

As a long time WWF fan, I followed the company with the type of fervor that everyone said I should follow school with. The joke ended up being on them, I guess, because my love of wrestling stayed true. I loved nothing more than the fantasy world of heroes and villains. Evil bad guys versus glowing good guys. There was something pure and magical about what happened on TV.

Then in 1992, a funny little story came out about how Terry Garvin and Pat Patterson, both in WWF management, were accused of sexually harassing stars on the roster. According to many, the big turn-on was ring boys. Yeah.

Of course it was. As we've all learned through the years, any job that has underage volunteers with "boys" somewhere in the title is going to have a scandal. It just is. It's like a rule.

Mel Phillips, longtime ring announcer famous for getting beat up by Terry Funk, also had his name thrown out there for - you guessed it - having sex with boys.

Keep in mind, I'm in like 8th grade at the time. Stories of men molesting boys makes everyone creeped out. But stories of men molesting boys is especially scary when you're still a boy. Immediately it becomes a paranoid world of, "Wow. If I go to a WWF show, everyone wants to bang me?! Stop looking at me, Tito Santana! I don't want you to Ariba me!"

But that's neither here nor there. The one ring circus was smeared everywhere. Between homosexual harassment and steroids, the once innocent feeling wrestling had was dead. True or false, the allegations were out there and filled with things we can never wash away from our brain.

The biggest example of all this? Murray Hodgeson. A fired announcer who alleged that Pat Patterson propositioned him, Hodgeson confronted Vince McMahon on The Phil Donahue Show.

McMahon was stoic as Murray laid out his charges and proceeded to give us all the single most insane pick up line I had ever heard at the time (and to this day). According to Murray, Pat's big come-on went a little something like this…

"So you're the new guy. What do you taste like?"

Yeah. Make a WWF Wrestling Buddy that says that one. Bye bye, youth. Yikes. I bet 99 guys slap you in the face with that line. But the hundredth guy, he's a keeper…

 


It Wasn't My Toast

It Wasn't His Fault

I'll never understand the Lita/Gene Snitsky/Kane thingLita hated Kane. Kane raped Lita. Lita got pregnant. Snitsky accidentally caused a miscarriage. Although accidental, Snitsky was proud. Although impregnated through forced sex, Lita was mad about it. After having an affair with another wrestler, Edge, outside wrestling, her storyline suddenly switched. She now was with Edge, hated Kane, and made out with Snitsky as a "thank you" for killing her baby. Then she got married.

You following this?

Yes?

Do you have any shrooms left?

Can I have some?

None of it followed a logical flow. But the moment that, to this day, turns this illogical story into a segment to remember was when Edge and Lita exchanged their wedding vows. In a grand wedding, we were treated to the babykilling Gene as he read a poem to the happy couple. It's the stuff that Hallmark cards are made of.

"It's not my fault the things that love can do to us,

Just like it's not my fault you had a dead baby in your uterus."

In one foul swoop, Snitsky surpassed John Valby as a lyrical master and gave us all an anatomy lesson we'd never forget. He also became one of the only people I've ever heard rhyme the word "uterus" into a poem. WWE thought it was funny, I suppose. I would imagine that a general survey of people will reveal miscarriage humor to be ranked right up there with AIDS, the holocaust, and 9/11. But, this is wrestling here. The people watching are incidental. This show is for Vince.

Nothing like a little Def Miscarriage Poetry Jam to clear a room, huh?


The Nature Boy Grosses Everyone Out

Why didn't I pay my taxes?

In 1993, Brian Pillman and Steve Austin mocked Ric Flair by having Brian dress as him…only older. Clad in a gray wig and walker, Pillman hosted "A Flair For The Old". The show was a parody of "A Flair For The Gold", Naitch's talk show. It's also the inspiration for the ClubWWI show hosted by Wendy "Fifi" Barlow - "Club For The Gold". It also was pretty damn funny. With Flyin' Brian delivering Ric's catchphrases and gimmicks under the guise of a crazy old man, the parody was monumental. Pillman did a great job of playing Ric Flair, but with insane senility thrown in.

Ten years later, someone was doing a better job - Ric himself.

In a pre-Cyber Sunday Raw appearance, Flair gave us the creepiest of the creepies. Side by side with Triple H, Ric ran down Hunter's accomplishments. He mocked Randy Orton's inexperience compared to the man he termed "The Greatest of All Time". Dandy Randy may fancy himself a legend killer, but he was no such thing. According to Granddad Icky, Orton was a "virgin at killing legends". That's when, as they might say on a sitcom from the 1990s, we got "too much information".

"You know how many virgins I have made holler, scream, and bleed all night long?! AHHH! That's my specialty!"

Yeah. Chew on that for a minute.

There's really nothing more to say here other than yuck. I guess if we learn nothing from this, it's that if you bunk with Ric Flair, sleep on the top. If not, bring an umbrella.  Again - ew.


Jerry Lawler Loves The Doghouse

You like having your back rubbed?

I've always been a big Jerry Lawler fan. The guy is so willing to play the comedy role that he gets into ridiculous territory and it's great. There's nothing like hearing a "What!?" placed at a certain moment care of the King's cracking voice. But there are some moments where we found ourselves saying the same thing.

Lawler has a history of sexual innuendo that can often…well, lose something in translation from his head to his mouth. One famous ad-lib saw Jerry wax philosophic after seeing the WWE Divas in a schoolgirl battle royal. The Kaufman Crusher opined that he wished he was still in grade school so he could see the girls dressed that way. Either he didn't realize that the grade school girls would actually be, well, grade school girls or else he figured that was a bonus.

It was pretty creepy.

But nothing compared to this line that I heard during a live Raw report one night. Referencing the WWF slang for boobs, Jerry made a "puppies" reference and checked in with this gross insanity.

"Do you know why puppies have wet little noses? Cause I lick 'em!"

Right. As I said at the time, Lawler meant that he uses his mouth on women's breasts. But, in my head, I just envisioned this.

jerrypuppy.jpg

Yeah. That pic appeared here the night he said the quote. It's around the Internet too, but the people who reposted it were nice enough to crop my name off of it. I'm sure they didn't do it to be mean. It's just because most people on Earth are complete dicks.

But, I digress.

That's just part of the King. As I mentioned, he's someone I've always enjoyed watching. Why? Because, as I wrote in my last book "Shoot First…Ask Questions Later", he can go from comedy to serious in a heartbeat and execute them both with precision. Need an example? Check out the next one on this list. Also from Lawler, but another end of the spectrum altogether.


Jerry Lawler is Friends with Dusty Rhodes

The Son of a (Censored)

In 2012, there's a strong emphasis on keeping things above board in terms of offending people. For better or worse, we're all watching our tongues now and making sure to walk a fine line between "in your face" and "sorry for offending your face". WWE is no different.

In 2011, the company made GLAAD saad when CM Punk told a fan in the front row that he was a "homo". The altercation was caught on camera and WWE promptly apologized. Punk also told the fan "you have a vagina". No protest from the OBGYNs of America. Just GLAAD.

Thankfully, GLAAD doesn't use Youtube. If WWE apologized for the Straight Edge Vagina Spotter, then they'd be sending over Billy and Chuck sized giftbaskets to make up for this 1997 doozy from Jerry Lawler.

The King was set to take on the overly feminine and extremely sexual "Goldust" Dustin Rhodes. He gave his thoughts before the bout and, well, just read this:

"You know, it seems our sissy friend is having a little identity crisis. First he was Dustin Runnells. Then he was Goldust. Now he wants to be King of the Ring. We all saw you out here with tears running down you face, wondering why your old man, Oldust, don't love you anymore. Well I know Dusty Rhodes and he told me why. It's because you married the biggest gold digger in Georgia, then you put on a woman's wig, and went around the ring kissing men like a flaming fag."

And there it is.

Although comments like this from heels was commonplace for years, by the late 1990s, it was almost completely over. This promo served as the final one from the days of Don Muraco's comments about "wetback" Tito Santana or Roddy Piper's black/white body paint at WrestleMania VI. Hang your head and hug your neighbors. It was the day the slurs died.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the….Goldust

What caused him to drink...

Now before we all start wearing ribbons for poor Goldust's verbal beating by the King, let's not forget that he did his part to attract some unhealthy attention. Upon his debut in the World Wrestling Federation, Dustin Rhodes portrayed himself as a film buff dressed like the Oscar statue. He quoted movies and did air bites to the camera. He told us we'd remember his name.

It was all very Hollywood and safe. Until, that is, we learned that he wanted to boff Razor Ramon.

That's right. Forget just winning the Intercontinental Title. Rhodes apparently wanted something more than friendship with the eventual Outsider. He began sending presents and calling for him to answer his love notes. He then delivered a line that put such a different spin on Razor's catchphrase, that it's no wonder he switched to Scott Hall.

"You say you ooze machismo. Let's ooze it together."

Yeah. And with that, you had to wonder exactly what machismo was made of. What we once thought was coolness was now being portrayed as lube or sperm or …I don't even want to guess anymore. It oozed and he wanted to ooze with it. Awful.

He said we'd remember his name and we sure did. Unfortunately, I remember this quote too. Unless they make bleach for the brain, I'll never forget it.


If The Bandana Don't Fit, You Must Acquit

Hogan Knows Bloodshed

Hulk Hogan may regret doing reality TV.

After all, it wasn't until the former WWF Champion proved he "Knows Best" with Nasty Nick, Brawny Brooke, and Botox Linda that things fell apart. After decades of marriage, the Hogans were no more. Hulk found a new girl who looked identical to his daughter and Linda found a 19 year old who looked identical to someone Hulk Hogan wants to murder with a kitchen knife.

As the fierce battle raged on, allegations flew from both sides. The former Mrs. Hogan seemed to have the worst words of all and made all sorts of claims about her husband's personal life. Later, she took them back and said she did it out of anger. The harsh comments were never verified so I won't include them.

Instead, I'll include this. It's something that can be verified because, well, Hulk Hogan said it to an entertainment news reporter.

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile away from the 20,000 square foot home you can't go to anymore. You're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19 year old boy driving your Escalade. And you know that 19 year old boy is sleeping in your bed with your wife. I totally understand OJ. I get it."

Now, I don't have a PR person. Eric Bischoff and Jason Hervey have never bought me dinner at PF Changs and then told me how special I am. I don't have any sort of team around me walking me through the right and wrong things to say.

That said, I know enough not to freakin' say that!

Hell, everyone knows not to say that. That's the type of crazy shit that you blurt out at a bar in a drunken haze with your friends before realizing you should shut up.

Yeah, man. I…listen, man. Listen. I'm shtanding up! I'm shtanding up! Leave me alone!  Wait, wait, wait... Listen, man. I tell ya. My wife knows. I love her. I love her so much. But if she leaves me - that's it. I'll kill her and hide her where no one can find her. Ha ha. You know? It's a guy thing.

I would never kill my wife.

Oh…yeah. Me too. I just say it. You know. Like a joke. Like a joke. Heh. WAITRESS!

Fast forward six months, your wife is walking home and falls into the lake. No one finds her body. You then deal with this.

Sir, is it or is it not true that you told a group of people how, if your wife cheated on you, you would - and I'm quoting here - "would kill her and hide her where no one can find her."

I was just drunk. I didn't…

Yes or no, sir!? Answer the question!

Now you're in jail forever. Way to go, big mouth.

Seriously, Hulk. What the hell? Did it not occur to him that if someone just happened to go and cut his ex-wife's throat that night, he was screwed. (JG Note: You missed the boat on that one, Warrior. It was a lay-up) Hell, he just bought Linda a "don't get your throat cut" card. If anyone, at any time, ever attacks her OJ Simpson-style, he's screwed.

Think before you speak, brother. When you don't think first, you make horrible mistakes like sympathizing with OJ and making "Mr. Nanny".


My Cousin's Keeper

I hate you, let's make money.

TNA in 2004 was like watching a Broadway Show where everyone who worked backstage wanted to quit so they would run in during the musical numbers to curse each other out. Yes. It was the perfect scene for Roddy Piper.

Rowdy Roddy had always been ten shades of nuts but when the "worked shoots" wave in wrestling started taking off, he was in his element. He took to the airwaves and  blamed WWE for wrestler deaths - proudly displaying the names on a t-shirt he wore. He even tried to get the anagram "FRATS!" over. I think it stood for "F**k Roddy And The "Shooting."

So when Hot Rod showed up in TNA, it was work shoot time.

Microphone in hand, he called out Vince Russo. The Boogeyman of the Business, Russo had been hired by the company to write their programming but, as always seemed to happen to him, he wound up on TV. What was he talking about? The shows he was writing.

Are you following this? He's a writer on a show that apparently has no writing because everything said is "real". If all Vince Russo's "shoot comments" were genuinely "shoot comments" then what the bloody hell was he writing? Why were they paying him?! Ah!

Whatever. You ignore all that and take the show for what it is. During an edition of TNA's Wednesday Pay Per View, Roddy Piper arrived. Of course, Hot Rod was "unscripted". And, of course, the TV writer with tons of free time confronted him. The two engaged in a heated confrontation and everyone was watching with baited breath as Piper went face to face with Russo and asked, well, this…

"I want to ask you some questions here, champ. Did you kill Owen Hart?"

In a stunning example of irony, Roddy Piper - the man who was on a campaign to honor deceased wrestlers - had just invoked the tragic death of one of them in order to "get over" his worked angle against Vince Russo.

The accident, as many fans remember, occurred in 1999 when Owen Hart, playing the role of "The Blue Blazer" character, fell from the rafters of the Kemper Arena when the harness on his repel failed. It was a tragic moment and a black eye on this industry. The stunt, while done numerous times in WCW, was used by many to emphasize how the new era of "sports entertainment" had gone too far. Above anything else, it was a horrible moment that never should be spoken of in the context of an on-air wrestling conflict.

This business failed Owen Hart. It robbed him of a legacy. He deserved to be remembered for his amazing ring work. Instead we have to hear about this sickening story when his name is mentioned. Owen Hart deserved more than that. We owe him that.

So when Roddy, who called Owen his "cousin", asked Russo this, it was hard to stomach. The live crowd no-sold it like the Undertaker fighting Lord Littlebrook.    Had the Rowdy One truly felt Vince responsible for Owen Hart's tragedy, why would he agree to appear for the company that hired him? Why step foot in the arena? Wouldn't you be shouting it from the rooftops? Murderer! Murderer! You hired a murderer!

Many of us would. Roddy Piper wouldn't. Instead, he chose to appear and do an in-ring segment with the guy. When I interviewed Russo in 2005, I asked about this. He still swore it was all on the up and up. When I pressed him for Roddy's reasoning behind sharing a ring with a "murderer", Vince chalked it all up to money.

You still find people online who don't get how tasteless this whole segment is. They comment about how Roddy's standing up to Vince Russo and how "that rawkx!" When I see something like that, I just remind myself that after Vince McMahon's limo blew up on Raw, there were fans who actually called the police to report it.

Lowest. Common. Denominator. Ever.


Viva La Tasteless

I'll Be Exploting You Soon

On November 13, 2005, the wrestling world lost one of the greatest - Eddie Guerrero. The sudden death of the soon-to-be-champion-again shocked the world and left many fans shaken. Never before had such a high profile WWE star passed away during a top run like this. For many it was devastating.

To WWE's credit, they handled the initial announcement with poise and grace. Guerrero was given a big memorial edition of Raw along with testimonials from those who knew him. The stars expressed their shared grief with the fans and, for that night, we all were united. Wrestlers and fans both grieved for the fallen Latino Heat and all he stood for.

We have to credit WWE's initial handling of the situation because they could have handled it disgustingly, but chose not to. Now, I know what you're thinking. How can WWE handle a death disgustingly? Isn't the only way to treat a delicate situation like this is by showing respect?

Ha ha. No.

You know where I learned that? Well, WWE itself. Less than a year later, they had the villainous Randy Orton come to the Smackdown ring, confront Eddie's buddy Rey Mysterio, and give us all his thoughts on theology, life after death, and - of course - disgustingness.

"Eddie ain't in heaven. Eddie's down there…in hell!"

And there we are. In one foul swoop, WWE (through Orton) had erased the good things they did to honor Eddie Guerrero. Rather than focus on ways to organically grow "bad guys", they went the cheap route and invoked Guerrero's name for a cheap reaction.

It also showed fans that they weren't on the same page as WWE after all. Rather than sharing the sadness the company felt, they were simply exposing their sadness to a company dying to cash in on it. How do you treat what may be the first exposure some young fans have to death so callously? It's one of those situations that, even when you're felling positive about WWE, is hard to come to grips with.

Of course, they learned their lesson from this and there was no further exploitation of Eddie Guerrero.

Well, until a year or so later when Dave Batista confronted Rey and screamed, "Eddie's Dead!"

But I guess that one doesn't count because Batista says a lot of stupid shit. The Orton one's the biggie.


Jim Ross Redefines Slobberknocker

The Dark Journey To Horny

When you think of WWE Hall of Fame wrestling announcer Jim "JR" Ross, certain things just go hand in hand with his image.

Of course, there's barbecue sauce. JR loves his sauce. From his online store, Jim sells some of the finest selection of meat rubs and marinades you'll find anywhere. Insanity writer RD Lee even sent me a bottle of Jim's Chipotle Ketchup and it was phenomenal. So, yeah. BBQ suace.

You also think of wrestling. Jim's been the voice of many different wrestling shows from Mid-South to WCW to the WWF, Good ol' JR's twangy excitement has acted as the soundtrack to some of the industry's most memorable matches. So, yeah. You think of wrestling.

And, of course, we can't forget the most prominent thing we all picture when we think of Jim Ross. Yup. You guessed it. Cunnilingus.

What? Oh. That's the act of performing oral sex on a woman. It's what you think of when you think of Jim Ross.

What's wrong? You don't think of that when you think of J.R.? Oh. Then you must have never seen the outtakes from his Mid-South announcing days that crept their way to Youtube. The 1980s video, uploaded by producer Michael Moody, shows Ross talking about such varied topics as boobs and whores all while smoking away on a cigarette. Then, in a quote that stays with you forever, the young announcer, while speaking of forgotten 80s valet Dark Journey, looks into the camera and says this…

"She can get me in a head scissors and we can stay in that position throughout the Bunkhouse Brawl. If she gives up, you know I won. If she doesn't, you know that I am loving every minute of it. (announcer voice) Can this man survive a Dark Journey head scissors?"

Why are you crying?

Let's make it worse. Watch 'em…

Above all else, the Dark Journey stuff stands out because there's just something disgusting about the image. I keep seeing the top of Jim Ross's head bobbing up and down with Chipotle Ketchup spraying everywhere. When he eventually comes up for air, I picture him screaming, "We're out of time! We're out of time! Damnit, we're out of time!"

Yeah. If ever a quote was "bowling shoe ugly", it was this one.




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