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JG's Ten Insane On-Air Wrestling Decisions

By James Guttman May 24, 2012 - 11:30 AM print


Contrary to popular belief, I did not create World Wrestling Insanity. There's been insanity in the wrestling world forever. Whether the characters, conflicts, or fans, we've had no shortage of things that, well, just ain't right.

 

It happens on TV all the time. Things that we, as fans, accept as normal can be the exact opposite. Take, for example, these … Ten Insane On-Air Wrestling Decisions


 

  Earl Hebner is hired as a referee after screwing over Hulk Hogan.


 

 

Even people who hate wrestling know who Hulk Hogan is. Whether or not that's why they hate it is another topic for discussion altogether. But, I digress…

 

The Hogan Explosion of the 1980s featured one of the most successful and storied title reigns in wrestling history. Completely orange outside of his blonde hair, Hogan represented truth, justice, and the American Way. The iconic figure told all of us that we too could achieve greatness if we trained, said our prayers, and took our vitamins. The world followed suit and soon enough the planet was crawling with vitamin popping, praying trainers - all on their way to greatness.

 

Then, in 1988, a funny thing happened. Four years into his monumental title run, the Hulkster was taken down. The evil "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, who inexplicably had much more money than the guy who had sold a billion "Hulkamania" T-Shirts, showed up on the scene and made it clear that his goal was to take the WWF Title.

 

Even though, as I just mentioned, he made far more money without being champ than the champion did.

 

To make his Million Dollar Dream a reality, Ted procured the services of Andre the Giant. Less than a year from his near-win over Hogan at WrestleMania III, the formerly gentle giant was now hungry for revenge.  When the big rematch was signed for February 5, 1988 on a special prime time edition of "The Main Event" on NBC, the world held its collective breath.

 

We were ready for any outcome and any winner. Maybe the Giant would finally hold the Yellow and Red hero down for three. Perhaps Hulk would go through the same motions from WrestleMania and knock Andre down with a slam before pinning him. In your wildest dreams, anything could happen.

 

Well, maybe not. Hogan himself put it best after the bout when he wept his way through this…

 

"Never in my wildest dreams, Mean Gene, would I think I would get ripped off by a penny-pinching, two timing referee! How much money on the plastic surgery?! How much money to pay the referee off?!
When I turned around, Mean Gene, they were identical!"

 

So, yeah. Spoiler alert. Hulk lost.

 

The moment defied many of our wildest dreams and certainly Hulk Hogan's. The match, officially ruled to be refereed by "Dave Hebner", was tainted. The ref for the contest was not Dave. In fact, as it turns out, it was his twin brother Earl Hebner. Earl, a long time official outside the WWF territory, had stepped in and counted a three count for Andre, even when the champion's shoulder was up. There was some post match confusion when Dave arrived. No one knew who was who. Even Hulk himself couldn't tell them apart.

 

But then - in a move that insured he'd get his ass kicked by an angry ex-champion - Earl removed all doubt that he was the "imposter" by punching his brother in the face.   Yeah. No thought. Just punch.  The former Champion lifted up the evil official and tossed him down to Ted, Andre, and somewhat forgettable bodyguard Virgil on the floor below. Later we learned about the details of the ruse and how Mr. Moneybags had used the real referee's twin to trick the WWF management.

 

Two quick details I need to address here. First, damn good thing that the match's referee, Dave Hebner, had a twin…who was a referee! What are the odds? Second, the answer is zero, Hulk.   Zero money on the plastic surgery, brother.

 

After the bout, Earl became the yang to Dave's ying. The evil referee began accompanying DiBiase to his bouts, correcting other ring officials, and trying to undermine his own brother's credibility by swapping out during bouts. As the man behind the end of the most iconic 80s title reigns, he was the company's number one bad guy and treated as such.

 

Oh wait, I meant that would have made sense had it happened. It didn't happen. None of it happened. Know what happened?

 

They made him a referee.

 

Wait? What? Like an evil referee?

 

Nope. Just a referee.

 

Yeah, but they changed his name and gave him a moustache or something.

 

Nope. They called him Earl Hebner - brother of Dave Hebner. He even presided over future Hulk Hogan bouts.

 

Yeah, but he didn't do anything crazy that would make you question his officiating.

 


 

Aw shit.

 

It was just a shy of a decade later that the infamous Montreal Screwjob went down, leaving the iconic Bret Hart 90s title reign in a puff of smoke. An unfair call by Earl - this time with the real life Vince McMahon playing the role of Ted DiBiase - took Bret's belt away and sent him to WCW a beaten man. No one saw it coming.

 

Actually, everyone saw it coming in 1988. But, as we would learn, WWE has some referee issues that they still need to work out. It's a recurring theme.

 


Referee Danny Davis is reinstated for no reason.


 

 

Danny Davis was a referee who was so dangerous that he actually used it as a nickname. Giving a whole new meaning to "being out of position", Davis was instrumental in decisions that gave victories to bad guys no one thought was possible.

 

You can brush past some indiscretions like counting a pin for new WWF Intercontinental Champion Randy Savage after he hit Tito Santana with a roll of quarters…or brass knuckles…or an international object…or whatever else he could fit into his trunks. Fine. That happens. But a year later, when he flipped the WWF Tag Team Titles to the Hart Foundation, his bias was inescapable.

 

Prior to a bout between the Harts and reigning champions the British Bulldogs, manager Jimmy Hart clipped The Dynamite Kid in the head with his trademark megaphone. Kid lay outside the ring, seemingly unconscious. While the dastardly duo with pretty pink hearts on their outfits double teamed Davey Boy Smith, Danny stood on the ring apron and lectured the sleeping Dynamite about the importance of standing up. Despite getting no response, he persisted…until the Harts were ready to get a pin. At that point, D.K.'s involvement was no longer important to the Dangerous official. He quickly turned and counted the victory.

 

With this and other major (and deliberate) errors piling up, enough was enough. A few weeks later, Danny was suspended for life plus ten years by President Jack Tunney. Enraged, Davis tried to start a fight with referee Joey Marella, Tito Santana, and even threw a few kicks at Tunney for good measure. Following all this, he became WWF's first "referee turned wrestler" and embarked on an evil quest to show his wrestling skills were better than those he had officiated for years.

 

So how long is life plus ten years? Commentator Gorilla Monsoon always spoke strongly about it. It seemed really long. In other words, let's say Danny lived to be 100. Then, he died and was reincarnated as a blind Ethiopian girl named Hiwot. If that were to happen - Hiwot couldn't become a WWF referee until after she turned ten.

 

That's how long it is in real life.

 

In WWF, though, it means two years. That's it. Two.

 

After a short time of wearing his shiny white shirt and fighting guys like George Steele and Koko B. Ware, Davis was back in the bowtie, counting three counts. The reason given? None really. His appearance on an episode of WWF Superstars was glossed over by ringside commentator Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon. They pointed out Danny to fans and informed us that he was back… but would be banned from the entire company if he were to cheat again.

 

Silly me, but I always thought it should be a rule that every cheating referee should be banned for life. I wasn't aware that this was a special decree. But it was. Dangerous Dan was no more and Docile Danny stepped in. Between this and Earl Hebner, I began to really wonder how large the applicant field for referees was.

 


 Rick Rude is fired for making jokes about Big Bossman's Mother.


 

No offense to WWF President Jack Tunney, but what the freaking hell was this guy supposed to be thinking half the time?

 

As the on-air figurehead President for half of the '80s and '90s, he watched some pretty brutal stuff. From venomous snake bites to human burials to voodoo vomit to ring bells slammed into people's throats. It all happened on his dime. The most violent insane acts of violent insanity were all under the watch of Papa Jack.

 

So what really cheesed off the Prez? Was it when the Honky Tonk Man pushed Miss Elizabeth to the ground on NBC? How about Sgt. Slaughter mocking the troops in Iraq during Desert Storm? Could it have been when Yokozuna draped the United States flag over Jim Duggan and sat on him?

 

Nah. It was when Bobby Heenan and Rick Rude made mom jokes about Big Bossman.

 

Seriously.

 

In 1991, Rude and Heenan had begun to run low on ideas to infuriate opponents. The duo turned to making fun of mothers. The first one up was Big Bossman. The prison guard from Georgia had to endure wise cracks about his mother being ugly or fat or whatever. The jokes were pretty tame and never really ventured into the whole, "I did yo'moms up da butt" territory. They stayed in the kid-safe zone but still…it pissed Jack Tunney off.

 

Seriously.

 

When Rude's real life contract came up and he bolted for WCW, we learned that the on-air reason was his villainous mom jokes. Tunney canned him on the spot and forced Heenan to fill in during his matches. It seems that calling someone's momma fat is a fireable offense in pro wrestling. Apparently smashing someone in the head with a metal workout bar, as Rick had done to the Ultimate Warrior two years earlier, was not.

 

The irony of all this? Less than ten years later, Bossman would torment "Big Show" Paul Wight's family so intensely that it made Rick Rude look like Rick Sweet. He stalked Paul's mommy and had her admit that he was a "nasty bastard" on TV. He finished up by disrupting the funeral of Show's father, hooking the casket up to his car, and dragging it across the cemetery while Wight rode it like a boogie board. You think he got fired?

 

No. He got a Hardcore Title reign.

 

What the HELL?!


Roddy Piper honors the impressionist who mocked him.


 

You ever make fun of someone who just doesn't get it? You're trying to be like a jerk, but it's hard because they're too dumb to understand.

 

Nice shoes.


Thanks. I just got them.

 

Yeah. Love how they're ridiculously bright yellow. You probably don't even need to turn the lights on when you wear them. Also love the airbrushed "FRESH" on the side of it. It must be 1991 again.

 

I never thought about that with the lights. That's another good thing about them.    1991 was awesome. I lost my virginity in 1991.

 

Seriously. They look like something a clown would wear!

 

Some clowns make a lot of money. I take that as a compliment.

 

I HATE YOU!

 

Count Roddy Piper in this group. Back in 1994, the Hot Rod was feuding with WWF's crazy King Jerry Lawler. The Memphis Mauler was taking Piper to task at every turn and when the two signed on for a King of the Ring bout, the trash talk was brought to a whole new level.

 

Doing the ol' impressionist mocks the opponent gag, Jerry called out a young skinny guy in a Roddy Piper costume. Kilt and all, the kid imitated Roddy's voice, chewed gum, and took potshots at Piper's movies and family. The whole skit was obviously a collaborative effort to smear Rod prior to the big match. It ended with Jerry standing over a humiliated "Roddy Piper".

 

When the big match finally went down at King of the Ring, the young man showed up. You're probably guessing that Lawler used him to interfere against Piper. Maybe a chair to the head or something? The Ol' Nowinski Noggin Knocker?

 

Nope. He was with Roddy Piper. Piper put his arm around the kid, walked him to the ring, and spoke out about how he had been "picked on" by Jerry Lawler.

 

What? Picked on? This kid had just come out on live television, impersonated him, made fun of him, and did it as a comedy bit. Roddy didn't seem to get it. All I could think during the post match celebration is that the fake Roddy must have been thinking, "Thank God this guy's a moron or else I'd be getting my ass kicked right now."

 


Shawn Michaels signs Chris Benoit's contract for a title match.



Everyone reading this who knows how contracts work, raise your hand.

 

OK. I don't believe you. Not because contracts are so hard to understand. But because you're raising your hand while reading an article on the Internet. Obviously you're doing some sort of drugs.

 

Well, guess what. None of us know how contracts work. No one. I learned that from Shawn Michaels.

 

It was 2003 when Triple H was set to defend the World Title against the unmentioned winner of the Royal Rumble, "He Who Shall Not Be Named" Chris Benoit. The two faced off on a live Spike TV Raw inside a ring covered in red velvet. The contract sat on a table and Hunter told the Crippler to sign on for the biggest match of his career. He then added, "No pressure, kid".

 

As luck would have it, just as Chris was about to put his not-yet-infamous signature on the paper, Shawn Michaels rushed out. He gave Benoit an "atta boy" on winning the Rumble, spoke of the respect he had for him, and then kicked him in the face.

 

Smash. Face.

 

Benoit fell and all that was left to do was for Shawn Michaels to sign the contract himself. Which he did. And like that - poof - Shawn Michaels was in the title match.

 

Huh? Yeah. He was in the match. You like that? See how that works? Apparently nowhere in wrestling contracts are the names of wrestlers printed. They're basically blank and evidently you just have to sign first in order to get a title match of your own. Who needs to climb a stupid ladder of success when all you need is superfast penmenship?


Makes you rethink the entire industry. What would have happened if someone just ran in and the last second during Andre The Giant's WrestleMania 3 contract signing against Hulk Hogan and scribbled his name on the sheet? What kind of Mania would that have been? Hulk Hogan vs. Andre The Giant vs. Stanly Lipshitz! Call your local cable operator for availability!

 


Earl Hebner returns the WWF Title to Triple H after he loses to Chris Jericho.


 

I learned a lot from Jesse Ventura. Long before he was a ClubWWI guest, he taught me many life lessons. One of those rules was that "this is wrestling, there ain't no instant replays!"

 

We heard that one over and over again. Blatant miscarriages of justice were allowed to stand because, in the WWF, what happens in the ring happens in real time. If you win, you win. If you lose, you lose. But that's it. There ain't no instant replays in wrestling.

 

It's a serious rule. Back in 1993, I went to USWA a show at the Louisville Gardens down in Kentucky. During the night, there had been some cheating by evil southern star Brian Christopher. The ref missed it and Brian won. As the participants for the next match got ready to wrestle, referee Frank Morell stepped in to the ring.

 

What followed is completely true. I'm not making it up. An angry kid about 13 years old, wearing a wife beater, leaned over the railing and had an exchange with Frank that went like this:

 

Kid: HEY! FRANK MORELL! Why you didn't come out and tell him about Brian Christopher cheating?!

 

Frank: I don't know. (laughs)

 

Kid: (not laughing) Huh?! What?! I said why you ain't come out and tell him about Brian Christopher cheating?!

 

Frank: Uh…I was doing something in the back and wasn't able to come out.

 

Kid: F**K YOU, FRANK MORELL!

 

Now why did this insane fan feel so upset that he would swear in the face of veteran referee Frank Morell? Well, because sometimes inexplicably, a second referee will often run down to tattle to the first referee about something he missed. Because of this, the official will sometimes "reverse the decision". At most, it happens within a minute of the announcement.

 

But April 17, 2000 brought with it a whole new understanding of decision reversals. Apparently there's no time limit and you don't need a reason for it. None. It can be done on a whim because, in wrestling, referees are apparently Gods.

 

On that April evening in 2000, "Y2J" Chris Jericho lit into Stephanie McMahon on the microphone. Just prior to a non-title match with constant Champion Triple H, Jericho slammed his then on-air wife's moral fiber. When Hunter, Stephanie, and Shane McMahon rushed to the ring, the anger was at a fever pitch. So, Chris suggested something else.

 

"I think, if you think she's really special, and you want to really impress her, you should put that title on the line! I think you should make this match tonight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship!"

 

Mr. McHusband agreed and the match began - but only after the bodyguard-themed tag team The Acolytes came out to watch Y2J's back. That they did and, to the shock of everyone, Jericho won the WWF Title. No cheating. No Acolytical interference. Just a run-in by referee Earl Hebner for the knocked out Mike Chidoa, springboard moonsault, and a slightly fast counted pin. New Champion.

 

Well, I should clarify that. We had a new champion for ten minutes.    After the commercial break, The Game returned to his former throne and demanded Earl "Why The Hell Did You Hire Me To Referee After I Screwed Over Hulk Hogan" Hebner arrive to return his title. Hebner did and Trips was champion again.

 

This now begs the question - is there not a time limit on decision reversals?   Why can't every single referee who gets knocked out go back and watch tapes of what transpired during their nap? We would pretty much be able to negate the title reigns of every single bad guy champion in wrestling history.

 

In the very least, Frank Morell could come out and stop that daggum Brian Christopher from cheating!

 

 


Sting nominates Hulk Hogan to replace him as TNA General Manager.


 

To the best of my knowledge, Sting and Hulk Hogan have never been married. Hell, I don't think they've ever even dated. But you'd never know it by the way they break up, get back together, whine, and cry about it like two middle schoolers passing notes in Sequential Math 1 while crying into a Lunchable.

 

The Sting/Hogan Love Affair began in WCW when the California Surfin' Stinger, so enraged by the distrust his friends had shown him, decided to turn emo and sit in the rafters of the wrestling shows. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his staring. Wearing a pre-Columbine Trench Coat and holding a baseball bat, the suddenly Crow-like Sting had only one thing on his mind.

 

Hulk Hogan.

 

That was 1997 and, for the next 15 years, it just kept going like that. With one guy often taking bitter hiatuses from WWE and the other refusing to ever go there at all, Hogan and Sting found themselves in each other's company quite often. By the time they went to TNA, there was a lot of history…and no one really got what that history was. It was just history.

 

The two battled on pay-per-view in October 2011's TNA Bound For Glory, long after one of them had any right to. Having abandoned his Crow-rip-off makeup, Sting now was wearing Joker-rip-off makeup and was dead set on removing Hulk from power. His win did just that. After the bell, the Hulkster turned back into a hero by fighting off his former stable "Immortal" and standing tall with his old frenemy, Sting.

 

Now that's all well and good. I'm sure Sting was thrilled with the Hulkamania change of heart. But, still. Hulk's kind of a jerk, right? After all, this was the man so crazy that Sting needed to physically beat the crap out of him to remove him from power. It was his blood, sweat, and tears that made it happen. He busted his Joker Crow arse to get him out of that spot.

 

So, six months later, when he was ready to step down as General Manager, Sting suggested his replacement. Who was it, you ask?

 

Bushwhacker Luke?

 

Jamison?

 

TV's Charles in Charge, Scott Baio?

 

Nope. Hulk Hogan.

 

The same Hulk Hogan? Yes. The same Hulk Hogan.  He even led the audience in a chant of "Hogan! Hogan!"

 

Now keep in mind that there are dozens of people on the TNA payroll, thousands in the wrestling business, and millions in the United States. The best this guy could think of was the last guy who was GM? The guy he needed to beat up to stop the evil reign of?

 

It's as if the Karate Kid saw Daniel LaRusso say, "You know. I can't represent Hill Valley as Champion anymore. Let Johnny have it. I know he's freakin' crazy, pushed my bike down a hill, and beat me up dressed like a skeleton, but he did shake my hand after I beat him. How bad can he be? Let's all chant for him! Johnny! Johnny!"

 

The list of applicants seems like it would have been longer, no? Hell, you have guys practically begging TNA for a spot on Twitter. I guess one of the qualifications for the job must be "former WCW Champion. Must be tan. Orange Preferred."

 


Any battle royal where people get in the ring.


 

There's something funny about battle royals. Apparently there are no rules in a battle royal that say you have to be in the ring when it starts.

 

Oh, and you can slide out under the bottom rope and escape. No one counts you out. You aren't eliminated. You're just in limbo - free from the threat of elimination.

 

It's come up a lot. There were stories of battle royals being won by manager Jimmy Hart and female star The Fabulous Moolah, all by staying outside the squared circle until the last minute. A quick run in sent the supposed winner out and they were given the victory.

 

It begs the question - why the hell would you get into the battle royal at the start? What possible reason could you have for getting in the ring?!

 

Now maybe the guy wants to wave to the crowd. I get that. Maybe he's an egomaniac and needs adulation. So, although it behooves him to stay away until the end, he needs to get in there and do the whole waving gimmick. Got it. Wave, wave, wave. Good. You done? Now roll out of the ring and take a nap.

 

I mean, even if you have to get in the ring, why stay? Why allow people to throw you out when you can watch from ringside? Why, I ask, aren't battle royals just a bunch of guys standing around the empty ring watching it?

 

We have to assume this is legal because even WWE owner Vince McMahon did it - having escaped during a Royal Rumble only to sneak back in and win. So theoretically, I can roll under the bottom rope in a battle royal, leave the arena, get in a plane, and fly to Tahiti. The people in the arena have to sit there until the building throws them out because the match can't end.

 

I can just picture one of those Oprah-like movies with an old man getting out of his death bed and making his son drive him to the old arena he used to wrestle in. He claws his way into the ring, looks into the camera, and says, "I finally did it. I won the 1953 Farmer's Cup Battle Royal!"

 

Then he dies.

 


 Lita agrees to marry the winner of Kane vs. Matt Hardy for no reason.


 

Try this next time you go miniature golfing with an engaged couple.

 

Hey Bill, I wanna slap your fiancee's ass.

 

What?

 

Yeah. Give her to me.

 

No!

 

Tell you what. We'll play a round of mini golf. If you win, I'll leave you alone. You can get married. If I win, I get to marry her instead.

 

Duhhhhhhhhhhhhayyyyyyyyyy….Okey-doke!

 

Duh, right? Well, you know who would agree to this? Lita. Lita would friggin' agree to this.

 

Engaged to Matt Hardy, Lita found herself the victim of Kane's, uh, affection. He stalked her. He had sex with her. He did all sorts of Kaney things to her. Why did she allow him to do all this? So Kane wouldn't beat up Matt Hardy.

 

Yup. You heard it right. Despite being a wrestler on the WWE roster, Hardy had to let his girlfriend take a big red tumble with the Monster in order not to get beat up. In a related story, WWE couldn't figure out why Matt could never get over and stay over.

 

Impotence gimmick aside, Hardy still proposed to his girlfriend. She accepted. But that's when Kane came swining his mini golf club, looking for a piece of what's his. He made an offer that was so stunning in its simplicity that most of us would just laugh.

 

The deal? A match at SummerSlam 2004. If Hardy wins, Kane leaves him alone to marry Lita. If Hardy loses, Kane marries Lita.

    

You read that right. He basically offered to have a match where if Matt wins, he does exactly what he was planning to do anyway. But if he loses, his entire life is over and his soon-to-be-former love of his life is gone. It's the ballsiest bet ever. The expected answer and the one most of us would give:

 

Yeah. How about no? How about I marry my girlfriend and you blow it out your butt?

 

Nope. Matt and Lita agreed.

Of course, Kane won the "Till Death Do Us Part Match" because this is wrestling after all. There are no happy endings. Especially for the Matt Hardy/Lita love affair. But that's a story for another list.

 

 


 Any Authority Figure who "feuds" with an active roster member.


 

In 1998, the WWF hit paydirt with, arguably, the best feud in wrestling history - Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Mr. McMahon.

 

Now maybe it was the anticipation of seeing Vince McMahon, forever pretending to just be an announcer, admit his position as owner. Maybe it was the charisma of the Rattlesnake. Perhaps it was just that we were all so damn bugged out over the Bret Hart thing. Whatever the reason, we all freaked out…and forgot that the entire thing was illogical.

 

Even though - at its core - this conflict made no sense, we still loved it. In fact, it's even been imitated…endlessly since that time. Every WWE brand, Indy Group, or kids with a camcorder and a deck that "you can get a lot of sweet air when you jump from" have done the whole Authority vs. Wrestler gimmick.

 

I'm sure you're wondering why this particular showcase of man vs. man is riddled with problems. So let's break it down by Authority Figure. There are two of them.

 

A. Absolute Authority (Owner, President)

 

Defined By: Having The Right To Fire Employees, Answers To No One

 

So you're the kingpin. The top dog. The number one banana. Mr. Manager. You can do as you please and all the roster must bow at your feet. That's when someone comes along and challenges you. Rather than go through a year of beatings, sneak attacks, and general disrespect, here's an idea…

 

Fire him.

 

The end. Your nights are restful. Your stress is gone. Your problem is terminated.

 

But usually the President decides against that. Why? The simple phrase we've heard over and over again…

 

"I'm gonna teach you a lesson!"

 

Yeah. You know what really makes a person learn a lesson? Starving to death. Going home and being unable to feed his wife, kids, and dogs. You send him to a foreclosed house with a missing wife and kid, littered with a bunch of dog carcasses. That'll learn him. Oh, and the best part? There's almost no chance that he's going to kick your ass on basic cable because he's not an employee. None. Problem solved. You win.

 

But wait…I know what you're thinking.

 

James. The idea is that the promoter still wants him to make money for the show, but hates the rebel wrestler. That's why he keeps him employed.

 

Gotcha. That's great. But explain to me how much money said promoter will make after he's had a team of goons break the guy in half? If you're injuring him, you're still removing him from the roster, right? How many tickets is he selling in ICU, Mr. I Want To Make Money Off The Guy I'm Trying To Murder?

 

Then there are the cases of the Absolute Authority figure "banning" a wrestler from the arena. The star is told not to come into work, but does anyway. Happens all the time. Of course, we're left with the understanding that the star didn't get a company plane ticket sent to him. He must have purchased a ticket himself and flown to the arena - all so he can steal a zamboni or something. Yet another problem that would have been corrected if he was - I don't know - fired and had no money to finance his zamboni stealing adventure!

 

Man. He just drove a monster truck over my new Porshe! How does that son of a bitch get the money to buy a….Oh wait. He gets it from me. That's right. I'm a schmuck. I forgot.

 

B. Non Absolute Authority (Commissioner, General Manager, Sherriff, Whatever)

 

Defined By: Not Having The Right To Fire Employees, Answers To Someone

 

Now this is the one where you think you got me, right? After all, what's a GM to do when the owner won't let him fire the insubordinate superstar? He might as well go and try to beat him up, right?

 

Well, let me ask you this. How come the owner isn't okay with the GM firing a star, but he's okay with him chasing him around with steel chairs and tables? What kind of insane meeting took place that week?

 

Sir, I really need you to fire Randy Orton. He keeps kicking me in the nuts on TV and said he's never going to listen to me.

 

I'm sorry. I can't sign off on that. You know I don't allow General Managers to fire stars.

 

OK.    Hey… instead could I hire five really big guys to beat the living shit out of him with sticks, put him through a table, and then hang him from a cross while I cackle?

 

Yeah. That's all fine. Just no firing. The guy's got a family to feed. He has two dogs, for Christ's Sake.

 

At the end of the day, there's a reason why the McMahon vs. Austin feud was so epic. It's because - yes - everyone wants to beat up their boss. But, in real life, it hardly ever presents itself. If you tell your manager to "take that silly little pen and stick it straight up your candy ass", he'll tell you to clean the crap out of your desk.   It's the rule, not the exception...except in wrestling, where every day is opposite day.

 


Hear many of the stars mentioned here discuss these on-air decisions with James Guttman on ClubWWI.com including The Hebners, Bobby Heenan, Danny Davis, Jerry Lawler, and more!




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