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JG's Ten Judges Who Would Make American Idol Worth Watching

By James Guttman Jan 15, 2013 - 10:46 AM print


American Idol premieres tomorrow and once again offers a whole new cast. Gone are the drunk woman, the surly Brit, the song writer I never heard of, the dancing TV host, the dude that looked like a lady, and Eric Cartman's hand. Now, we have a whole new cast of characters guaranteed to make people miss the old cast of characters. That would never happen if they just picked the right people to fill these seat holes. Like who? Like these Ten Judges Who Would Make American Idol Worth Watching…


 

Westboro Baptist Church


Judging Style:

Hold up signs about God, Israel, and Justin Bieber that block the audience view of the singers.

Loudly protest the final good-bye song for each eliminated contestant.

Respond to everything Ryan Seacrest says with, "That's fine, but you're going to hell."

Quote:

"You real proud of your homosexual singing? Jump around there all homosexual. Singing all like they do. You can sing your way to hell because that's the singing they do in hell. They like gays like you there. And guess what…so did I! You really made that song your own. Did you have fun up there? You looked like you were having fun up there. Good job. But you're still going to get buttraped by the devil in hell."

 


 

David Blaine


Judging Style:

Reads his critiques off of little slips of paper he miraculously pulls from his eye.

Speaks in a barely audible whisper.

When a contestant he likes is voted off, he electrocutes himself while standing on a block of ice.

Quote:

"Hey….let me show you something. When you sing, I just wanted to hold that sound close to me. I wanted to hear it so close. Watch. I wanted to hold your voice in my hands. Watch me. I wanted to just hold my hand to my ear and - watch - unscrew it and - keep watching - eat it. Yum!"

 


 

Alex Jones


Judging Style:

Screams over all the singing.

Drifts between musical criticism and history lessons about false flag terrorist drills.

Constantly refers to Nicky Minaj as a "card carrying member of the Illumanati."

Quote:

"You may think you can sing! Let me clarify that, you may think you have the freedom! But you do not! The government is coming for you! Hitler took the microphones! Stalin took the microphones! Chavez took the microphones! Look it up, people! It's a fact! I will box you, you son of a bitch! In closing, I enjoyed your rendition of Call Me Maybe…you clueless neo-slavery sheep."

 


 

Quentin Tarantino


Judging Style:

Calls all the black and white contestants the "N Word."

For Asian contestants, he just repeats the Christopher Walken speech from Pulp Fiction about hiding a watch up his ass.

Suggests all the contestants do heroin in order to appear "edgy".

Quote:

"Yeah, you know, I really liked it and stuff. But it didn't, you know, have enough lyrics about me. So I vote no to Hollywood because, you know, I own Hollywood. So you're allowed in. Now repeat after me.  N****r, n****r, n*****r. Hooray."

 


 

Al Roker


Judging Style:

Laugh a lot. Wear fedoras.

Sometimes stops and hypnotically stares at a contestant for prolonged periods of time.

Poops his pants during the Washington auditions.

Quote:

"I appreciate your kind words but you're thinking of Forest Whitaker."

 


 

Gary Busey


Judging Style:

Not entirely sure what singing is.

Tells everyone to stop screaming at him.

Brings up how he played "Buddy Holly" in the movie "Buddy Holly." Follows up by asking people who Buddy Holly is and what cheese is made out of.

Quote:

"You don't get it. What is this? Huh? You don't get it. The past is history. The future's a mystery. Upside down with a rubber hose. Ding dong. Knock knock. Who's there? A colored pendulum. Feel that energy. Lick it up. Purposely.    I vote with my finger, not my hand. Fingers. They're a part of you and you're a part of them. Candy corns. What are candy corns? Well, in your mind…"

 


 

Tommy Lee Jones


Judging Style:

Refuses to smile.

 The only hint of emotion he gives is when a single tear drips from his eye. Although that too is ambiguous.

Every so often, he hurls his Coca-Cola cup into the audience.

Quote:

"God Damnit."

 


 

Elmo


Judging Style:

Tells every contestant that Elmo loves them.

Tells the 16 year old male contestants that Elmo really loves them.

Tries to text them after the show.

Quote:

"Elmo's so happy to see you. Let's see what Elmo's thinking about today. Ya-ta-ta-da! A booty call. That's right. A booty call."

 


 

Vice Presaident Joe Biden


Judging Style:

Constantly refers to the show as a "big f**king deal."

Feels up all the contestants' mothers. Those without mothers, he votes "no" to.

Writes detailed notes but throws them away in order to ad-lib and curse.

Quote:

"You have got it, my brother. You hear that? When you came out here, I was afraid you were going to sing like an Indian. Now, and I'm being serious about this, they sing with that "Oh. Hello. Come again." Like Bobby Wasabi. You understand what I mean. You didn't. You sang great. Barack would be proud. I think he'll agree with me when I say that the entire administration wants you to win this show. He also agrees with what I said about Indians."

 


 

The Iron Sheik


Judging Style:

Keeps asking when the theme is going to be "Fuggin' Jew Week."

Tells every contestant they are "worse than a Michael Jackson."

Threatens to sodomize Ryan Seacrest every five minutes for the entire season until the finale where he says he's just joking and then proceeds to sodomize Ryan Seacrest.

Quote:

"Ehhhhhh…dees song you, uh, you, uh, seeng eees farg-ees-ess! Makeumtoobe humboo! You no good sonbitch ja, uh, uh, uh, uh, jabronie. You fug-ees-ess! FUG-EES-ESS!"



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