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JG's Ten Awful Wrestling Pay Per View Names

By James Guttman Jul 3, 2012 - 10:15 AM print


Wrestling fans love to pay to view stuff. Our entire universe is centered around one date a month and "all roads lead to" it. But not all those final destinations are created equal. Not every show is a grand event like "WrestleMania" or a patriotic super show like "The Great American Bash". No. Some shows don't sound like anything I'd want to pay to view. In fact, some of these unfortunately titled events are things I wouldn't even want to free-for-view. When you have PPVs with awful names like this, the matches are almost a moot point…


TNA Hard Justice

Ew.

Debut Date: May 15, 2005

If this doesn't sound like man on man porn, nothing does. In fact, it's so over the top that people who make man-on-man porn would say, "Nah. That's too much. We need to be more subtle than that." It makes you think of former WWF Champion Sid Justice as he's just about to rape you. Years later, they renamed it "Hardcore Justice". Had they named it that from the start, it might have been okay. But the image of "Hard Justice" was still there. In fact, "Hardcore" took on a new meaning.

Now Sid was wearing a spiked leather mask. Yikes.

I mean, come on. Your name is already "TNA". If you wanted to make porno, just make porno. Leave the wrestling alone.


 In Your House: Beware of Dog

He in kitchen.

May 26, 1996 AND May 28, 1996

Sounds like someone who speaks broken English warning you that a stray pitbull is in your kitchen.

This show was also famous for being the first (and maybe only) pay-per-view that had to be repeated due to technical difficulties. Right after it started, the lights went out in Georgia.

Actually, they were in South Carolina. But it would have been cool if it was Georgia. Could have done the song title. Either way, this happened:

A few days later, they did another one. It was unofficially called "In Your House. Beware of Dog 2." You know as in…

Mista, mista! In your house! Beware of dog!

Oh yeah, Consuela. Thanks for warning me. So I should be careful to avoid the dog?

No! Mista! In your house! Beware of dog! Two!

Oh. OK. I'll just call the pound then.


 Tuesday in Texas

Barely a logo

December 3, 1991

This is the famous pay-per-view that not only had no buildup...but no name either. It was announced at Survivor Series 1991 and occurred just a few days later. The experiment to see what we'd pay for multiple pay shows was titled "This Tuesday in Texas", but only until it happened. Then it was "Tuesday in Texas". I guess now we call it "That Tuesday in Texas". Whatever. It was the one where Jake Roberts slapped Elizabeth. Most people just call it that. Guess that's hard to put on a poster though - "Slapping Women: Live on Pay-Per-View."


WCW World War 3

Less guns than the first two.

Debut Date: November 26, 1995

I know what you're thinking. What's so dumb about naming a Pay Per View World War 3?

There held them three years in a row. Each one was called World War 3.  

Oh.

If we were going by logic, the final one should have been like World War 6. Of course, that brings up that weird continuity error. You know, how World Wars 3 -6 were main evented by a three ring battle royal, while the first two were main evented by Germans, Americans, Japanese, Russians, and bombing.


Ground Zero: In Your House

Time to move.

September 7, 1997

Same broken English person. Even worse warning.


Oh no. You house no there.


WCW Fall Brawl

Boo School

Debut Date: September 19, 1993

SummerSlam is fun because Summer is fun. Fall? Fall sucks. Fall makes you think of school and all the people who are going to sink into depression come Winter. The lawn is constantly covered in leaves that bugs hide in. The days get shorter. The fun is over. Oh, and WCW throws a pay-per-view to honor it. They use a tank for its logo because people use tanks in autumn. Just go with it. What are you, the season police?

Above all else, there's nothing worse than tacking "Brawl" onto a PPV name just because it rhymes.


UWF Beach Brawl

...and son!

June 9, 1991

I take that back. Puns are worse.

Also worse - a show logo that features, what appears to be, an homage to Captain Caveman and the Tazmanian Devil.


ROH The Big Bang

My kid made this poster.

April 3, 2010

When people think of Big Bang, they think of the birth of the universe.

Well, unless it's associated with a form of entertainment best known for shirtless men bearhugging and women in short shorts headscissoring each other. If it's associated with that, people think orgy. Big orgy.

So, they're all banging each other?

What? No. Just the big guys, I think.

While ROH gets the listing because they actually pulled this show off, they weren't truly the first. Long before they were planning the big bang, WCW was .

Nope.

Yup. Seems like everyone was eager to start banging themselves or what-have-you. The one for World Championship Wrestling never took place. But if it did, I'm sure there was plenty of banging on the agenda.


WWF Badd Blood

Oh hush!

October 5, 1997

You know how to spell "BAD"? Of course you do. Four year olds do. That's why WWF chose to mess with it. After all, he's Vince McMahon and he reinvented the wrestling industry. He'll reinvent words too damnit! Screw you, Webster! George and Ma'am too! You're firrrrrred!

So yeah, they spelled it with two "d"s. No reason. Just to be silly. Like how they later spelled "Xtreme" with an X for the football thing. Screw spelling. That's for jabronies. The name "Badd Blood", though, always made me picture poor Marc "Johnny B. Badd" Mero bleeding to death while Vince McMahon takes money from the pockets of the paramedics.


WWE Taboo Tuesday

You did what on Tuesday?!

November 1, 2005

It's just  WWF's way of saying, "Hey! It's Tuesday! Have sex with your sister and eat a dog!"

They later changed it to "Cyber Sunday", which isn't "taboo" unless the one you're cybering with is your grandpa or something like that. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Actually, I take that back. There is something wrong with that. If you're cybering with your grandpa - stop! Also, don't order these pay-per-views.




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