My name is Uncle Ralph. I have kidney stones and a love for sniffing glue. How are you?
My nephew runs this website and over Thanksgiving, I kept asking about you. I saw a picture of you on the television and it said "Nicki Minaj". I could be wrong though because it was 11 in the morning and I was pretty hammered.
I thought you were one of them Wishnik trolls. I wanted to rub you for good luck and twirl your hair around a number two pencil.
So I kept asking everyone at the table, "Who is Mickey Nimage?! Who the hell is Mickey Nimage?!" But all anyone said was, "Please, mister, don't hurt us." Long story short - I walked into the wrong house.
Even worse, it was a week after Thanksgiving. And I may have hit a few people.
So I just got out of jail an hour ago and figured I'd write you a letter to tell you about my hopes, dreams, and kidney stones. They hurt. All of them. The hopes. The dreams. The stones.
I'm poking around online and saw that you had a celebrity feud with Steven Tyler from Arrowsmith. Right off the bat, I sided with you because I hate Steven Tyler. He dresses like Phyllis Dillar and his glam band gives arrow makers everywhere a bad name. He reminds me of a lesbian peacock. Does that make sense? It does? Good. I'm tripping balls pretty hard right now.
So, he says that you'd be a bad judge on American Idol because you probably hate Bob Dylan. I hate Bob Dylan too! Isn't that crazy? Let's get married! I also hate Dylan from Beverly Hills 9021083, Matt Dillon, and Dylan Lawrence (he lives across the street from me and his wife is hot).
I heard you said back to the lesbian peacock that he's a racist because he said that. That's not racist. Me calling you my "brown sugar" might be racist. But not that. You can call me your "white sugar" though. So now it's not racist. I can then make some phone calls and get us some yellow sugar and green sugar (those girls are sick). We can have a big party where we dump all our sugar on each other. I mean sex. We could all have sex. I enjoy doing that.
Do you sing anything?
Do you know, "Fish Heads?"
Sing me that. Make a video of yourself and send it to me on Twitter. I'm @UncleRalph4 I don't know who the other three Uncle Ralphs are, but those guys are assholes.
Ow! OW! Damn kidney stones.
So, to recap, you're not a Wishnik troll. You're a person. We both enjoy sugar and hate Bob Dylan. Also, Steven Tyler is a lesbian. We good? Good. Anything else?
Oh yeah, do you like glue? Do you want to come over to my house and eat some nachos and sniff some glue? I'll pay you. Eight dollars. Meet me there Tuesday and bring the video of your fish heads song. I don't want to have to ask twice.
Say hello to Mickey Rourke and Mickey Mouse for me. My balls burn sometimes but that just means people are talking about them.