Uncle Ralph's Soundtrack For a Drunken Angry Christmas
By Uncle Ralph Dec 6, 2012 - 10:55 AM
4pm. No one is here yet. I haven't wrapped shit. I play this.
So I get high.
And drive out for some more liquor but, of course, it takes 3 hours because…
Everyone shows up at the house at 8pm. I hate them all.
My sister-in-law tells me I have a substance abuse problem. I tell her that there's no substance to me at all and I'm actually really shallow. I grab her ass to prove this point and then play this song.
She gets all mad and tells me I need to accept Jesus in my life. He's some dude named Jesus Gonzalez that she met at an AA meeting or something. Wants to show me the ways of sobriety. So I tell her what I want her to show me instead.
By now, I'm ripped out of my head, so I dip my face in red paint, hit the lights, and blast this one:
Everyone gets upset and my wife tells me to put on some Christmas music, so I put this one on:
Kids start crying. It's partially because of the song but mostly because I took my pants off and painted a red nose on my penis. It's my right. After all, it's my goddamn house. To remind everyone of why this is happening, I play this one:
Now, people go running out of the house. My wife tells me that she's disappointed in me and how she used to love me when we first met, but I'm not the same anymore. I slice my arm open with a butter knife, stare at her blankly, and play this.
And then, she, uh…left. She went to the store. Never came back. So, with that, I'm finally able to play some real Christmas music. Happy Holidays, dipsticks. Tell your mom to come over to my house to eat my candy cane and swallow my egg nog.