We Want Insanity
The Question: What's Your Worst Habit?
JG's 2/7/05 Raw Insanity: How a Smackdown Batista can be bigger than DX and the Horsemen
TGIF: Cut The Bull-Fit, Kong Gone, and More
WWE RAW Real Time Streaming Coverage
ROH TV Episode 229: Fight or Flight
Facebook
Twitter
Road to Batman V Superman: Batman Year One
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Preview, Omega Returns, and More
Game Day - Doom Gets Release Date, Battalion 1944 Gets Funded, And More
(20 Mins) JG's Free Audio Insanity: And Then Daniel Bryan Retired


Go Kill Yourself, Elf On The Shelf!

By Uncle Ralph Dec 10, 2012 - 1:11 PM print


There's a war on Christmas. I know this because I killed three people this morning while I was wearing a Santa hat.

I was wearing the hat because every December, I work as a Santa Claus at the mall. I figure, hell, I like to drink and I weigh about 290 - give or take 85. It fills me with Christmas cheer on payday. If my guy doesn't have Christmas Cheer, I get Northern Lights or White Widow. Whatever packs my bowl.

So I'm sitting there at the mall and this kid comes and sits on my lap. So I say, "Ho,ho, ho, little kid. What do you want for Christmas?"   You like that? I came up with that myself.

The kid goes, "Just a beaver."   I'm like, "No Way! That's what I want! Tons of beaver!"

So the kid says, "I have Beaver Fever!"

I'm like, "No way! You are the coolest kid in the f**king world!"

Then I thought that I must be hearing this kid wrong. So I go, "Dude, are you sure I'm hearing you right? You want just a beaver?"

So - I shit you not - the kid jumps up and starts dancing in front of me singing, "I'm like baby, baby, baby, ooooo. Baby, baby, baby, ooooo…."

At that point my manager comes over to me and asks why a six year old boy is trying to give me a lap dance. I tell him - straight up - "This kid is the man. Me and him are gonna go bang all the broads in this mall! Ladies, lose your underwear!"

So the kid stops dancing. Everyone gasps. It was like when I peed on my daughter's wedding cake while they were cutting it all over again.

The kid goes, "No, Mr. Santa. That's not what I meant. I want a Justin Bieber toy. I told the Elf on a Shelf."

WHAT THE HELL IS ELF ON A SHELF?

Turns out that the elf on shelf is a piece of crap people hide around their house to tell their kids that Santa has someone there watching them.

WHAT THE HELL?!

I'm Santa! I'm watching them! Who the f**k needs a Pinochio-looking piece of crap hanging from their light fixtures? Santa sees all! It's in the goddamn song!

"He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good so go eat chocolate cake" or some shit.

But no. They need to sell people a toy elf to do my job. Kids can't even play with this creepy thing. They have to have it stare at them like the Three Men and a Baby ghost from the window. Garbage. GARBAGE! F**k you. F**k your elf on a shelf!

Oh wait. I forgot to put quotes around all that. I said that. Out loud. To the kid. Then I slapped his mother in the ass.

Of course, now security is called. The woman's all crying and I go, "Where's your elf on a shelf now, honey? He can't stop me. I ain't afraid of jail! When I get out, I'm coming for you and your elf!"   They hauled me off and questioned me for a while.

Cut to the chase, my public defender wants me to go to alcoholics anonymous. I told him to tell the judge that I do already but I still drink in order to keep myself anonymous. He told me it doesn't work that way. I told him it's Obama's fault.

That's it. I'm done. The war on Christmas is still on and I have more people to check off my "list".    Lock and load, Shelf Elves.




blog comments powered by Disqus

JG col

JG's 10/19/15 Raw Insanity: Hell of a Sell
JG's 10/5/15 Raw Insanity: Flashing The Brock Signal
JG's Insanity: The 12th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Insanity: The 11th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Facebook Posts To Annoy Your Friends
JG's Ten Beloved TV Characters Who Were Obvious Psychopaths
JG's 10 More Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Insider Wrestling Terms You Shouldn't Use When Talking About Something Besides Wrestling
JG's Insanity: The 10th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Demented Ways We Misused Our Toys
JG's 15 Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Sesame Street Muppets That Are Missing And Presumed Dead
JG's Scene From WWE Raw (After Vince McMahon Goes Senile)
JG's Ten Signs You Were A Wrestling Fan Of The 1980s
JG's Insanity: Stone Cold's Greatest Moments (Without Stone Cold)
JG's Ten Wrestling Moves That Really Hurt When You Try Them At Home
JG's Insanity: Everybody Is Tito Santana
JG's Ten Reasons Why WWF LJN Figures Were The Greatest Toys Ever
JG's Ten Judges Who Would Make American Idol Worth Watching
JG's 2012 in Pictures (As Hulk Hogan Will Remember It)
JG's Quintuple Bypass Surgery Insanity
JG's Five Episodes of Diff'rent Strokes That Scarred Me For Life
JG's Ten Facebook Posts That Are Slowly Driving Me Crazy
JG's Ten Truly Terrible Reality Competition Shows
JG's Ten 1980s TV Characters Who Taught Me To Hate
JG's Ten Wrestling Characters Who Went Through Massive Personality Changes
JG's Ten Old School Wrestlers Who Would Terrorize Today's PG WWE
JG's Ten Crazier Fanbases Than Wrestling's
JG's Ten Copycat Wrestling Characters (and The Gimmicks They Copied)
JG's Raw 1000 Insanity: The Rocky Road To Royal Rumble

Game Day - Doom Gets Release Date, Battalion 1944 Gets Funded, And More
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Preview, Omega Returns, and More
TGIF: Cut The Bull-Fit, Kong Gone, and More
Anime Verdict: Kanon
The Question: What's Your Worst Habit?
Game Day - New Ghostbusters Coming, Madden Predicts Super Bowl 50, And More
Crocker! Lead
The ROHbot Report: Winter Warriors, 14th Anniversary Main Event, and More
TGIF: Rusev Wins The TV Title, T.N.A.J. Drama, and More
Greatest Old Age Video Game Characters
The Question: What Show Have You Most Recently Gotten Into?
Game Day - Mike Tyson In UFC 2, No AJ Styles DLC For WWE 2K16, And More
The ROHbot Report: Collinsville Results, Winter Warriors Preview, and More
TGIF: Social Jobbers Over Clueless Rookie, Impact Rising, and More
Weirdest Video Game Celebrity Cameos
The Question: What's Your Binge Food?
Game Day - New TMNT Game Leaked, Big Beta Release Dates, And More
The ROHbot Report: Indianapolis Results, Global Wars to Chicago, and More
TGIF: Kalisto's a No Go, Rehashed Hardys, and More
Greatest Metal Gear Solid Boss Battles
The Question: What's The First Website Your Remember Visiting?
Game Day - Left 4 Dead 3 Coming, PornStation For The Win, And More
Worth Your Money? ROH "Survival of the Fittest '15: Night 2
The ROHbot Report: Charlotte Taping Preview, Winter Warriors Tour, and More
TGIF: Losing Cena, Gaining Bullets, and More
The Question: What's The Craziest Conspiracy Theory You've Heard?
Game Day - CM Punk In UFC 2, Scalebound Delayed, And More
Worth Your Money? ROH "Survival of the Fittest '15: Night 1"
The ROHbot Report: ROH Year End Awards, Roddy vs. The World, More
TGIF: Kiss Cena Hello, Rey Stays Underground, and More

-

The Never-Seen-It Review: The Lord of the Rings
Aug 7, 2013
Uncle Ralph's TNA Slammiversary (and Parole Party) Report
Jun 3, 2013
Uncle Ralph's 2013 Hall of Fame TV Review
Apr 10, 2013
Uncle Ralph's Night Before Christmas
Dec 25, 2012
Go Kill Yourself, Elf On The Shelf!
Dec 10, 2012
Uncle Ralph's Soundtrack For a Drunken Angry Christmas
Dec 6, 2012
"Dear Mickey Nimage" Love, Uncle Ralph
Nov 29, 2012
Uncle Ralph's Main Event Real Time Report: The Greatest Day In The History Of The Internet
Oct 3, 2012
Uncle Ralph (Hearts) Impact: Avis and Eggs
Aug 17, 2012
Crazy Uncle Smackdown: Great Khali's Fine Head, Toilet Brush Face, and Randy Ortino
Feb 17, 2012
"I Watch Impact Drunk" - A Poem By Uncle Ralph
Jun 22, 2011
Uncle Ralph's Drunk Enough For Tough Enough: Episode Five
May 3, 2011
Crazy Uncle Ralph Previews...WrestleMania 27
Mar 29, 2011
Crazy Uncle Ralph Previews UFC 121: Barack vs. Kane Inside The Ominous Octagon Inferno Cage of Doom
Oct 19, 2010
Five Years of Insanity: Sandow, Rickard, and Uncle Ralph Volume 1
Oct 1, 2010
Uncle Ralph's NXT Report: Ahhhh. Lowki Senshi Kaval! KAVAL!
Jul 6, 2010
Uncle Ralph's NXT Report: Rookies, Old Wrestlers' Kids, and Low Ki Not Wearing His Pajamas
Jun 29, 2010
Crazy Uncle Ralph's WWE SuperStars SuperReview: Primo Ain't So Good, Neither is Matt Hardy or The Guy Who Lost To Luke Gallows
Mar 3, 2010
Crazy Uncle Ralph's WWE SuperStars SuperReview: A Week Late Because I Was In Jail
Feb 4, 2010
Uncle Ralph's ECW Report: Christian Defends The Title Against An Adorable Widdle Guy Named Yoshi
Oct 27, 2009

Even More From This Category >>

ClubWWI.com Contact Us Forums
All content contained here Copyright - We Want Insanity Dot Com