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Uncle Ralph's Night Before Christmas

By Uncle Ralph Dec 25, 2012 - 11:16 AM print

True Story:

Twas the night before Christmas, and all in my pants
I was fumbling, jumbling, all-in with both hands
the bottles were empty and thrown on the floor,
In hopes that St Nicholas would pay for my whore.

The children were frightened all snug in their beds,
I warned them, "Get up, and I'll bash in yer heads."
And mamma in my attic, all tied up in rope,
Tried a Christmas escape, but I laughed and said, "nope".

When out on the lawn there arose such a poppin'
I sprang outta bed and spilled oxycotin.
Away to the window I flew with a flash,
Tore open the my robe and shutters, to show my neighbors my rash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Reminded me of Mexico and that hot donkey show.
When, what to my one lazy eye should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and a whole case of beer.

With a fat arsed old driver drunk holding his d**k,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rancid than skunk meat his deer they all smelled,
But he whistled, and licked 'em, and jingled his bells!

"Now Dandy! now, Randy! now, F**kface and Donut!
On, Herpes! On, Burpees! on Oscar and Snowbutt!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
But Santa was wrecked, and I watched that bitch fall

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Were wet once he pissed on 'em cause he was so high.
So up to the house-top the reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nick huffin' glue.

And then, after tinkling, I heard up above
Him petting and stroking them (perhaps making love).
As I took one big hit, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas fell with a bound.

He was covered in vomit, from his head to his feet,
And the words "suck here" were scrawled on his teet.
A bundle of something he had flung on his back,
So he goes, "Hope ya don't mind if I empty my sack."

His eyes-how they wobbled! his face was so pasty!
He ate all the stockings and said they were tasty!
His tongue wagged around as if he was on crack,
And his beard wasn't white, it was more or less black.

I said, "You sure you're Santa?" And he showed me his teeth
Blazed mistletoe and dry humped my wreath.
He had on no pants and a big ol' round belly,
And his butt looked like expired strawberry jelly!

He was chubby and plump, with a tattoo of an elf
If not for that, he'd look just like myself!
A wink of his eye and a tug of his wong,
Soon gave me to know that something was wrong.

He spoke just in Spanish, but went straight to his work,
Licked the tree branches, then started to jerk.
So I rang the police, as he passed out on his nose,
They came in two hours, and woke him from his doze!

He sprang to his feet, but they handcuffed his hands,
Turns out he's no Santa, but a deranged homeless man.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"F**k a duck in your ass and then give me a bite

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