Previously on Raw…
CM Punk - Celebrated his one year reign as WWE Champion without balloons.
NXT 3 - Decided to take on Ryback
Ryback - Attempted to feed on Punk
John Cena - Taken out by Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler - Showed AJ Lee exactly what is up with her life
Antonio Cesaro - Continued to show why he is YOUR United States Champion
Big Show - Still on the ropes after Sheamus beat him up for no good reason
Tonight on Raw:
NXT 3 EXPLAIN THEMSELVES!
MONDAY NIGHT RAW:
Raw kicks off with them going over what happened last week. Whatever. I’m totally over the whole thievery thing. It doesn’t bug me. Who wants money and credit? Not me. Nope. I’m totally better than that. Can you spare some change?
Ryback vs. Titus O’Neil w/ Darren Young
I really like Titus O’Neil. I dislike that I like him. He is in the same realm as TNA’s Jesse for me. It just doesn’t seem like it should entertain me. It’s a shame he has to go and get killed by Ryback. Especially after his awesome commentary track last week during the tag match.
Ryback isn’t playing games tonight. If it weren’t for Darren Young causing some interference on the outside you wouldn’t see any offense from Titus O’Neil at all. Ryback hits hard. Ryback clotheslines hard. Ryback Shell-Shocks hard.
Ryback doesn’t care how long he has to stand inside the ring. He wants all three men, Paul Heyman, or CM Punk. He doesn’t care who. Ryback just cares that he kills someone.
WWI Did You Know: WeWantInsanity.com was purchased by James Guttman from a religious cult that believed we would all be saved once all of humanity was committed to an insane asylum.
Vickie Guerrero wants Ryback to leave. She even sends some security agents out to get him. Ryback isn’t having any of it. He takes out the guards and Vickie has to tell him what is going on tonight. Ryback isn’t having any of it. Sorry, Ryback is in charge tonight. He wants a WWE Title match against Punk at TLC. He wants it involving Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. If he doesn’t get it then he’ll destroy everything and everyone until the world is over.
Last week, Hornswoggle sprayed Rosa Mendes with water. She was pretty mad. She was so mad that Rosa went to talk Hornswoggle down to size. Alberto Del Rio came to save her from the mischievous leprechaun. Before Del Rio can do anything The Great Khali comes to his friend’s aid.
WWI Did You Know: Canadian Bulldog has a new e-book out. You’re mentioned in it about forty times. That’s right, YOU! If you buy the book you can show all of your friends how someone wrote things about you.*
*You may not actually be in this book. You could be, but if you haven't wrestled for a national promotion the chances are low.
The Great Khali vs. Alberto Del Rio
Rosa Mendes is watching. Hornswoggle might be watching too. Alberto has a thing for Rosa. Rosa might have a thing for Alberto. He’ll have a chance to win her heart against Khali.
Khali might have a thing for Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle might have a thing for Khali. He’ll have a chance to win his heart against Del Rio.
Remember how Del Rio’s game was to look like a badass and he’d have to destroy everyone every month? Well, this month Del Rio finally gets to look like someone’s bitch. It doesn’t last too long. Del Rio still wins. He gets his ass kicked, but Del Rio pulls out the victory after a Ricardo Rodriguez distraction. Khali tapped. Del Rio is going to tap something later. It won’t be any mana either. Rosa might even slap the bed a few times.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
What is Vickie Guerrero doing? She just gave Ryback a title shot at TLC? CM Punk has already won twice. Why does he get a third match with the TLC stipulation?
Paul hopes Vickie can understand the champ’s gripes. Paul understands the politics of it. Vickie is biased against John Cena. Mrs. Guerrero is biased against the champ to save face.
No. Vickie Guerrero knows how this happens. CM Punk retained against Ryback after Heyman hired four men on two separate occasions to help him stay champion. Tonight, CM Punk will face one member of Team Hell No, as decided by the WWE Universe.
#WWEBryan or #WWEKane make your picks now.
WWI Did You Know: Corey Letson is working on a book that will never be published. If you work with a company and are interested in “The Wrestle-Sutra” please contact Corey Letson.
Michael Cole interviewed the NXT 3 earlier today.
Dean, Seth, Reigns are with Michael Cole.
Are these three men working for Punk? No.
Who are they working for? Everyone in the WWE is working for someone. Wrestlers work for General Managers. G.M.’s work for the Board. The Board work for the people. That is wrong. These men are shields for what is right in the world of pro wrestling.
Wouldn’t you agree you’ve benefited Punk? It’s just what is right. They would’ve done the same thing if Cena or Ryback were champion.
Does Roman have anything to asy? No. Don’t worry. They’re a shield from injustice. They aren’t Nexus. They aren’t the nWo. Go buy the DVD if you want that. These three men are The Shield of the WWE.
Jerry Lawler calls bullshit on the entire thing. He does it on air. Lawler is awesome.
WWI Did You Know: Ray “Glacier” Lloyd owes me $20. I won’t say why, but he totally knows why.
Fandango is coming. Dirty Dancing was almost thirty years ago. Take all of this as you will.
Tamina hates a woman who doesn’t know her place. Get in the kitchen woman. Tamina only loves women who know how to be women. She could bench press a man to prove her point, but she wouldn’t be very womanly doing that would she?
Tamina vs. Alicia Fox
Alicia Fox is wearing a Skeleton outfit tonight. Why? For those of you think CPT you’re just mean. Alicia just wants to show, via clothing, what bones Tamina will be breaking in real time.
Sorry I’m not talking about the match. It hasn’t really mattered. Tamina just destroyed Alicia Fox. She was killing Alicia so badly Michael Cole spoiled the poll results for Punk’s opponent later tonight. He’ll be facing Daniel Bryan. Tamina wins with a splash. Jerry Lawler can’t believe how dumb Michael Cole can be.
Mr. McMahon and a handful of wrestlers went on a tour to visit the troops in the Persian Gulf.
WWI Did You Know: James Bullock and hates sitting next to Aaron Wood at meetings.
John Cena is here. The internet is groaning. Kids and women are rejoicing. Why don’t we call this whole thing a wash?
The Doctor of Thuganomics has been around for ten years. He has had Wrestlemania moments with HBK, HHH, DRJ, and even BIGSHOW. He has never been more interrogated over something as he has been over the kiss that didn’t really rock anyone’s world.
Vickie Guerrero told everyone so. The firing was justified. This is the season of giving. Vickie is in the giving mood now. She brought John and AJ a real gift. They have matching bathrobes. It’s so John and AJ can bask in the honeymoon phase just a little bit longer.
Ms. Guerrero can’t wait for Cena and Lee’s world to implode. Can John Cena remember who AJ Lee is? She has caused Daniel Bryan to lose the world title. She has asked CM Punk to marry her without a date. Kane even said she is insane.
Vickie is right. It’s true. AJ Lee has had some issues with men. She is trying to learn from her mistakes and become a better person. The whole scandal was based on John and AJ having an affair while she was General Manager. Now, AJ Lee can do whatever she wants to whomever she wants whenever she wants.
Thanks to Vickie a GM can’t do anything anymore. AJ Lee isn’t a love sick puppy anymore. There is only one bitch in this ring right now.
Dolph Ziggler is tired of the Jerry Springer show. Everyone is losing fact of the real story. Dolph Ziggler punked out Cena last week and Johnny just can’t take it. He had to go and cheap shot The Show-Off. Something about that doesn’t sit right.
Why would John resort to such cowardly tactics? Dolph Ziggler knows what is eating away at John Cena. When Cena kissed AJ last week, Johnny knows that AJ was thinking about Dolph the entire time.
Funny. The things John Cena knows are as follows: the sun will rise tomorrow, this is Monday night Raw, two plus two equals fish, and Two and a Half Men suck. John Cena will attempt to beat Dolph Ziggler’s ass tonight.
WWI Did You Know: Matt Dawgs has a small house in the park behind our offices. He sleeps on the roof of it constantly.
Robert Griffin got the WWE Championship for getting 4 touchdowns and beating the Dallas Cowboys. Really? Wow. When can I be given the World title then? Because I could beat the Dallas Cowboys. Hell, I’ll take Romo’s spot and perform better if you’ll even give me the IC title.
Kofi Kingston vs. Tensai w/ Wade Barrett on Commentary
Wade Barrett gets an IC title match at TLC in three weeks. Tensai is sitting in the ring because he just isn’t that big of a deal. Remember when the big man might have had a chance? I think it was just before the crowd first chanted Albert.
Tensai is getting in the most offense he has had in months. I think it is only because of Kofi’s small stature. Wait, never mind. Kofi Kingston just took down Tensai with two clotheslines. The big man from Japan blocks the Trouble in Paradise. Surprisingly, Tensai is getting in some big offense. Kingston scores a big kick out of nowhere before he begins to Jamacain Me Crazy with a cross body press for the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Barrett walks into the ring to hand his challenger the IC title. He, then, casually walks away from his TLC opponent.
Kane and Danielson are arguing over who people like. Daniel Bryan even has polling data. The map shows what states have voted for Daniel Bryan. It turns out the entire world has been voting for him. Kane is pretty damn unhappy about the events. Josh Matthews interrupts to reveal the poll results. Kane wins by 8%. Daniel Bryan will be facing Rey Mysterio up next on Raw. The internet from 2002 is crapping it’s pants.
WWI Did You Know: Zack Ryder has called me once a day since he heard the rumblings of the WWI revamp. He keeps telling me to get “Woo-Woo’Woo’ving.” The guy has a learning disability, I think.
Daniel Bryan vs. Rey Mysterio
I cannot recall a period in time in which these two men had a one-on-one match. If anyone can tell me of an independent contest they have had I’d love to hear about it. This match will be very hard to not just sit and watch. Rey is a legend and Daniel Bryan can wrestle almost any style in the world.
Bryan Danielson has full control over the crowd. We can talk ab out the misuse of his push and WWE trying to ruin him all you want. Either way, the crowd won’t stop reacting to Danielson. That says something about how he has connected with fans.
Let us talk about this contest a bit. Rey-Rey and Danielson traded holds back and forth for a bit. They then spilled to the outside where Bryan got the upper hand with a flying knee. The American Dragon has almost complete control after that. Rey has bursts of offense, but Danielson keeps the ex-champion at bay with ground based mat wrestling.
WWI Did You Know: We’re only allowed to text people after the sleeping pills we crush into James Guttman’s coffee takes effect.
Raw comes back on the air with Rey Mysterio climbing the turnbuckle to no avail. Danielson has Mysterio hung in the Tree of Woe. The Dragon puts the kicks to Rey’s entire body. I can’t help but be enthralled by this contest even happening. Play-by-play normally isn’t my thing, but I can’t do anything but watch these two go at it. Why is Rey’s beard line completely red like Sheamus’ hair?
The Very Important Vegan has went on the attack of Rey’s shoulder. He uses the steel and barricades to inflict damage. Danielson puts this match on the ground to try and work out a submission.
It doesn’t last long at all. Rey launches right into fifth gear. The action can’t be kept up with. Lawler decides to tell us what “Rey Mysterio” translates to in English. Rey misses a 619 attempt only to be caught in the LeBell lock. Mysterio gets to the ropes to break the hold.
The Dragon is distracted by the WWE Universe chanting “YES!”. Rey uses it to his advantage. He dials up San Diego on Bryan’s face before dropping the dime.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez are talking stuff in Spanish. Rosa Mendes comes by and more Spanish is spoken. Alberto winks. The Spanish talking stops. I took German in high school, sue me.
Josh Matthews wants to speak with Dolph Ziggler. Is there extra incentive for a Ziggler ass-beating tonight? There is nothing bigger than Dolph Ziggler right now. John Cena is preoccupied. Dolph just wants to see the look on her face after what Dolph does tonight.
WWI Did You Know: Corey Letson will stab someone to get his hands on a Wii-U.
Michael and Jerry give us another run down of what they have all week. AJ lee stormed in on Dolph in a locker room. We get the entire segment from last week followed by Cena’s attack on Smackdown.
Dolph “The Show-Off” Ziggler vs. John “Still Has A Doctorate In Thuganomics” Cena
Dolph Ziggler is the, overall, best thing going in wrestling today. I’m saying that from a pure wrestling standpoint. John Cena is still the best thing going in WWE today. Dolph Ziggler can, arguably, outwork anyone in that ring and makes every single person in that company look like a million bucks. Ziggler brought out the best in Sheamus that he has used to ass momentum into his feud with Big Show.
John Cena is John Cena. People feel how they feel about him. In the end does he matter what he does? The guy will always be vilified by the internet and loved by the kids. He is in a situation that he only wins when he retires and people see his true value.
WWI Did You Know: We’re not allowed to watch Pawn Stars in the office. James Guttman won’t tell us why. It freaks me out.
Dolph Ziggler is doing sit-ups next to Cena’s body after the Doctor was thrown into some steel ring steps. Dolph follows that up with multiple elbow drops to the chest. Cena shakes those off like they’re nothing. He lands three shoulder blocks and a big modified back suplex. Ziggler stops the Five Knuckle Shuffle with a jumping DDT.
Ziggler is now trying to put John Cena to sleep. The 10 Time Champ breaks the sleeper with help from the turnbuckle. He locks on the STFU, but Ziggler reaches the ropes. The Show-Off then uses the prettiest drop kick around to lay out Cena. WOW! Ziggler does nothing but impress me.
Ziggler comes off the top rope and is caught. Ziggler escapes from the FU and connects with a Zig-Zag. 1-2-CENA KICKS OUT!
The two men trade blows. Ziggler gets the upper hand using a pin full of tights. Cena kicks out and lifts Dolph off the ground. John attempts to go for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but his knee gives out on him. Cena rolls to the outside where the referee and doctor check on him.
Dolph tries to take off the turnbuckle pad, but AJ Lee stops him. The Show-Off then grabs his briefcase for a wild swing that misses. Ziggler falls to Cena after the F-U!
Winner: John Cena
WWI Did You Know: Corey Letson will be unreachable the week Community returns to television. He’ll then be unreachable the week Community is finally cancelled. That will be happening two weeks after it comes back to television.
Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro
This is a contest I’ve actually wondered if WWE would ever pull the trigger on early. I’m slightly glad they’ve done it. The bigger problem comes that if Cesaro loses his credibility goes down a little bit. The guy should be on a Sheamus level. He isn’t and won’t be for awhile, but Sheamus and Cesaro are two men who can do power moves that very few people can match.
These two men are just beating the hell out of each other. There isn’t much wrestling going on. Cesaro throws some big punches. Sheamus comes back with some big punches. The two men spill to the outside. Sheamus throws Antonio into the barricade. Claudio responds by shoving Sheamus face first into the steel steps. WWE responds by going to commercial.
WWI Did You Know: In order to work for James Guttman and WWI you must be able to baby-sit his children whenever James wants to “get his freak on”.
This type of match is something that I like to see every once in awhile. WWE makes sure to not do these too often. It’s what makes Sheamus/Show something to watch. You’re just getting two really big men in the ring who enjoy hitting hard.
Holy shit! Antonio Cesaro just dead-lifted Sheamus off the ground. Every single week Claudio does something to impress me more and more. Castagnoli decides to mock Sheamus by tying him up in the ropes and throwing multiple European Uppercuts.
The Great White responds with clubbing blows all his own. Sheamus almost gets the win following the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Antonio breaks a White Noise attempt. Antonio then uses the Apalache Waterslide to almost beat The Great White.
Sheamus gets knocked out by a European as he comes off the top for a shoulder tackle. Holy crap. The ex-champ escapes the Neutralizer attempt then kicks The King of Wrestling in the skull.
Big Show comes down to the ring with a chair as the referee counts Cesaro out.
Sheamus wants Big Show to walk that chair and him down to the ring. Big Show will make it to his retirement the champion. The Great White will make sure Big Show will be retired after TLC. Sheamus will prove just how barbaric he can be. Big Show decides to show it by ripping apart a chair.
WWI Did You Know: I’m not allowed to hang out with anyone outside of work until I buy Black Ops II. I won’t be hanging out with anyone outside of the office anytime soon.
Damien Sandow is here to rescue us from the doldrums of our own existence. Damien will further his crusade by dismantling a mouth-breathing miscreant in the ring this very evening.
Damien Sandow vs. Zack Ryder
Your not stealing my job Ryder. Screw you.
Shane Douglas has to watch Damien Sandow and just be pissed. He never got this many chances on television. That is the way the breaks work, though. I’m sure Zack Ryder watches Damien Sandow on television most weeks pissed he never got that many chances on Raw.
Cody Rhodes is out with an injury. Damien Sandow won’t be forgotten about during that time. They’re letting him take out the people who are barely worth a make-shift tag team. Zack Ryder is at the mercy of Dmaien Sandow. Anything the intellectual savoir wants to do he does. Sandow uses different wrestling combinations to keep Ryder down.
That is until Ryder gets one good shot in. Mr. Not-Getting-My-Job then begins to take charge with his Jersey offense. The man might even get the win if he wasn’t dumb enough to go to the top rope. Sandow racks him up on the top rope then ends the match with a modified neck breaker.
Winner: Damien Sandow
How does Paul Heyman feel about facing Kane tonight? No, the question is how does CM Punk feel about being forced into a match by the WWE Universe? How does CM Punk feel now that he has passed Randy Savage on the all-time list? How much injustice can CM Punk tolerate?
WWI Did You Know: This did you know has been removed. Please go check out some funny Youtube videos about cats or My Little Pony and come back in a few moments.
Michael Cole and King then take us back to the interview with the NXT 3 from earlier this evening.
CM Punk vs. Kane
It’s two of my favorite wrestlers ever facing off in the main event of Raw. I’m a huge fan. This happens right after CM Punk has surpassed my favorite wrestler of all time, Macho Man Randy Savage, for the length of his title reign. OH YEAH DIGGIT!
Chick Magnet tried to punk the Big Red Machine. You just can’t do that. Kane returns the favor by beating the champ down with punches and chops all across Phil’s face. Punk gets a little offense going, but Kane sends the champ out to the floor with a big boot.
WWI Did You Know: We have to celebrate UK and Canadian holidays because of Bulldog, ZAH, and Wood. Yet, we only get time and a half for Christmas. It’s stupid.
Something unknown happened during the break that has Kane down on the ground. Kane kicks Punk away. The champ takes time to evaluate his own knee. The champ walks gingerly on it trying to keep distance from Kane. CM Punk takes the big man down then begins to stomp all over him.
CM Punk is going in for the kill. He connects with two running knees, but the champ gets too cocky on the third. Kane lands a big uppercut. The Big Red Machine puts the champ down with a sidewalk slam before climbing the top rope. Kane is ready for the choke slam following the flying clothesline.
The WWE Champion can barely stand, but gets himself out of the Chokeslam attempt. He slides to the outside and tries to land a flying clothesline of his own Kane uses a Chokeslam to put down the champ.
Paul Heyman leads a distraction that allows The Shield, Rollins, Ambrose, and Reigns, to come to the ring and distract Kane. CM Punk ends the match with a GTS.
Winner: CM Punk
The Shield begin to assault Kane. Daniel Bryan attempts to save his partner to no avail. Ryback makes his way down to the ring and Punk scurries away. Ryback decimates all three members of the NXT 3. Punk attempts to attack from behind. Ryback shrugs it off as he begins to fight Punk. Reigns ends Ryback’s attack with the spear. The three men stand strong in the ring after taking out Ryback, Kane, and Danielson as CM Punk looks on from outside the ring.
Shield leaves the ring as Punk enters and stands triumphant over Ryback’s unconscious body.
Conclusions and Thoughts
Raw had a cohesive story to tell tonight. The story was of, what is now known as, The Shield. Why were they here and what was their purpose? This was answered in an interview, but questions were raised in their actions. Raw was book ended nicely with this story. The rest of Raw just featured some pretty good action throughout.
Highlight of the Night: Sheamus/Cesaro, Mysterio/Danielson, or Ziggler/Cena
The ending of both matches leave a decent chunk to be desired. The action leading to the end is just really damn good. I’d have no problem watching more and more of these men going at each other. Maybe we’ll at least get Ziggler/Cena at TLC.
Lowlight of the Night: The Vickie/AJ Thing
It just isn’t for me. I sat through more than I needed to with TNA. I have a question about this below.
Five Questions for the WWE:
1) Is there anyone out there actually invested in the AJ/Vickie storyline?
2) Is Roman Reigns really Yokozuna’s brother? Because, just…wow.
3) Why can’t we see more Dolph Ziggler?
4) What does Vickie Guerrero do when she is done toying with AJ? Will she find someone else? Will she even be in power much longer?
5) How can Cena have no problems at all with his knee until the exact moment he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle?