Hi Everyone, it's Xmas. I'm doing RAW. No-one is watching this show. Let's do this. Keep checking for the latest updates.
I tell you something. Knowing what's going to happen in this show, reading the spoilers, if this were a 2-hour RAW, it would probably be one of the funnest shows of the year. It's 3-hours though, so it's probably going to end up a slog either way.
We start with the video WWE posted on YouTube of the roster singing their version of Jingle Bells. Still funny.
Well, if you aren't getting presents tonight, there's your reason...
We cold open once again as the stage is all decked out and Santa Claus makes his entrance. He comes out and tosses out some gifts, but while he's over by the entrance for Alberto Del Rio's car, the car comes out and runs over Snata! Well I say "runs into Santa". He was doing about half a mle per hour. Indeed, Santa missed his cue so badly, they had to edit the hell out of it.
Santa's a corpse now anyway as Del Rio and Ricardo (Ricardo especially) are aghast at what has happen. The fans chant "YOU KILLED SANTA!" The EMTs worked on Santa, but as they stretchered him out, he stuck the thumb up. HE's gonna be OK folks!
I'm losing it here. We come back from break and the whole thing is literally a crime scene as they've cordoned it off with tape. This is hilarious. Cole's selling the hell out of it. We cut backstage to see the Smackdown roster in the corridor.
The Smackdown roster and the Smackdown roster alone is in the corridor. Booker comes out the trainer's room as he relays that Santa is down. Alberto comes around the corner and catches shit for his driving. Cena bursts through the pack and mockingly chews Del Rio out. Booker said Santa's last words were to book Del Rio against Cena in a Miracle On 34th Street match. Booker than led a "Do it for Santa" match.
Kane vs. Cody Rhodes in a "Kane must be pissed that he didn't get his hands on Santa before Alberto's front bonnet..." match
We go to Main Event from a month ago to see how Kane's backdrop injured Cody. Of course, this match was supposed to be on Main Event last week, but they changed it to a Tag Title match.
Kane gets an immediate Gorilla press drop on Cody before hiptossing him over. Cody jumps out the corner, but gets caught and dumped in the corner. Cody comes back with a dropkick to the knee to take control, but not for long as Kane pushes Cody out of the ring to break a top keylock. However, Cody catches Kane on the top rope and pulls Kane's shoulder into the ringpost.
Cody hit a missile dropkick (or as Lawler said Mistletoe) off a 2 count before working him in the corner. Cody telegraphed the killer backdrop and went back to work on the arm. rhodes avoided a suplex and hit an armbar takedown, before putting on an arm hold. Kane got out going for a chokeslam, but while Cody avoided it, it started Kane on a comeback with his usual offence. Side slam and flying clothesline set up the chokeslam. Cody avoided it again and hit the Beautiful Disaster .Cody, in a bit I must have missed, looked to send Kane into a turnbuckle he had exposed, but Kane reversed it and sent Cody in instead, hitting the chokeslam for the win.
Layla, Kaitlyn, Natalya & Alicia Fox vs. Eve, Rosa Mendes, Aksana & Tamina Snuka in a "Yeah, they found 8 Divas..." Santa's Little Helper match
Everyone is in red, other than Natalya (Pink), Alicia (dressed as a reindeer) and Tamina (in green apropos of nothing). Natalya and Aksana started off with Nattie getting a quick pin for 2 before tagging in Alica, allowing for a double-team. Aksana avoided a big boot in the corner decided to writhe about the ring a bit. But it didn't backfire as she could tag in Snuka.
Alicia managed to get away from Tamina and tag in Layla. Layla got a roll up for 2. She then blocked a Tamina corner charge, but Rosa distracted her, allowing Tamina to cut Layla off and hit a Samoan Drop. Rosa got a tag in, and after bouncing her boobs up and down in her hot outfit, hit a clothesline before putting on a chinlock with Layla over her knees.
Eve tagged in and hit an elbow drop before kicking Layla in the face for 2. She missed another elbow drop however and tagged in Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn hit the shoulderblock for a pin, but Rosa broke up the pin. The match broke down with everyone hiiting signature moves. But after Eve downed Layla, Kaitlyn scooped Torres up and hit her gutbuster for the win.
Winners: Layla, Kaitlyn, Natalya & Alicia Fox
Up next, a Santa Claus update...
Back from break, we saw a "Did You Know?" about Santa before cutting to Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee loving it up by a crackling fire. They're watching her "favourite Xmas movie". Which turns out to be the TLC PPV.
Time for that Santa update as we see the LITERAL CRIME SCENE as we see the heavily edited crash. Cole said the North Pole has been informed! Mattstriker was backstage as we saw a heart monitor, but Striker has no official word on Santa yet. Too funny.
Sheamus vs. Big Show in a "Lumberjack...Jack Frost...get it?" Lumberjack Frost match
All the lumberjacks came out to the ring. Heel and face together. Fun story. They had to re-tape their entrance as they came out without Santa hats on the first time.
Back from break, Show & Sheamus come out. Sheamus gets a Santa hat off of Justin Gabriel to do his ring posing. Drew McIntyre's hat is hanging off him and he seems to be acting a bit drunk. He's a rock star. It's Xmas. HE BLOODY WELL SHOULD BE!
After a stand off, Show teases a test of strength that Sheamus would never reach up to. While Sheamus stamped on his foot, Big Show took control and hit the chop in the corner. Sheamus avoided a charge to the corner and hit the clubs to Show's chest while he was on the apron, rather than the usual other way round. Battering Ram off the top saw him call for the Brogue Kick. Big Show rolled out, but 3MB weren't touching him as we took a break.
Big Show was in control as we came back. We saw Sheamus tossed out to 3MB, but Sheamus held his own, but this apparently ultimately allowed Big Show to take control. Big Show put on a keylock and started singing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Sheamus was tossed out to 3MB again, which started a mass brawl with the lumberjacks as 3MB stomped on Sheamus.
Back in the ring, Sheamus was hit with a suplex. Show set up Sheamus in the ropes, allowing Tensai to get a cheap shot in. Big Show wanted a Vader Bomb, but Sheamus cut him off and gave Big Show an Electric Chair drop. A slugfest from the knees. Sheamus won the punching battle, but ran into a chokeslam for a 2 count. The Hog Log picked up a 2 count. Sheamus got up and hit a couple of punches, but he ran into a bearhug.
Sheamus got out of it and started a comeback, hitting shouders in the corner. However, as he bounced off the ropes, he ran into a big clothesline for another 2 count. A big elbow drop picked up another near fall. Vader Bomb was set up again, but this time, Sheamus rolled under him and Show missed. White Noise followed, but only picked up a 2 count. The Brogue Kick was caught and Sheamus was again tossed out to 3MB. And again, we had a pitch battle with the other lumberjacks. Sheamus was rolled back in the ring. Big Show wanted the KO Punch, but Sheamus ducked it and hit the Brogue Kick on the comeback for the win!
Before Sheamus could get up, the Lumberjack rushed the ring, although the heels were cleared out pretty quickly.
Tribute To The Troops recap. I watched all the bits with The Muppets on YouTube. That all I needed to see. Glorious stuff. Actually, it was just a recap of MizTV. Typed too soon. Still glorious though.
Best PPV Matches of 2012 DVD advert. Punk sv. Bryan is on the cover with Rock/Cena & HHH/Taker. That should shut the smarks up for a while.
Back from break, David Otunga is in the ring, as he notes he's the only Harvard lawyer in WWE history. And he wanted to talk about Del Rio & Santa Claus. Many were quick to pass judgement. They're being prjudiced. There's a strong case that Del Rio is the victim. Del Rio was doing his job. Santa on the other hand was guilty of tresspass, working without the right permit and a bunch of other things that he couldn't finish as Zack Ryder came out and said while the guy who says "ho ho ho" is recovering, Otunga had a match with the guy who ways "woo woo woo"
Zack Ryder vs. David Otunga in a "Merry Xmas Ryder fans. He's got a match he'll probably win. So shut it up for a while. A good LONG while..." match
Otunga got the upperhand hitting a neckbreaker before putting on a chinlock. Ryder got out of it, but ran into a back elbow.Ryder surprised Otunga with a roll up for a 2 count, but Zack took a clothesline in the corner and a shoulder tackle for another 2 count.
Back to the chinlock, but as Ryder escaped, ht etelegraphed a backdrop with a faceplant to start a comeback. Knees to block a corner charge, missile dropkick, corner forearm and then the Broski Boot picked up a 2 count. He then called for the Rough Ryder, but Otunga avoided it. However, Otunga then missed a charge and took the Rough Ryder at the second time of asking for the win.
Winner: Zack Ryder
Booker T and Teddy Long are backstage. They mention how Vickie was on vacation. They laugh at Otunga's downfall when Brad Maddox walks in. He was looking forward to his match. He didn't have one, but in the spirit of the season he's get another shot. They then did the "Great TV" wordplay again. The last time a GM told Brad Maddox it'll be "Great" TV, they gave us Orton. Now it has to be the guy that pun was intended for...
The Miz & Kofi Kingston vs. Antonio Cesaro & Wade Barrett in a "Well, I guess we know the next US Title challenger..." match
Miz & Cesaro started things off. Cesaro took him down and paintburshed Miz to mock him. However, Miz came back with a knee lift, paintbrushing Cesaro before mocking him. Cesaro took control and tagged in Barrett. Miz avoided a corner charge and hit a dropkick for 2 count.
Kofi tagged in and went to work on Wade, even trying Trouble In Paradise, but Wade avoided it and ducked out the ring to have a think about it. Wade got back in the ring in his corner and quickly tagged in Cesaro. After Wade distracted Kofi, Cesaro took Kofi down to take control of things properly, allowing the heels to work over Kingston.
Cesaro with the gutwrench throw before putting on a chinlock. Kofi got out and then hit the pendulum kick to down Cesaro. Antonio cut off the tag, but Kofi kicked him off. Tags both sides and Miz went wild on Barrett, hitting shots in the corner before hit clothesline. He downed Cesaro before coming off the top with a double axe handle. Miz wanted to finished, but Cesaro broke up the move. Miz hit the short clothesline. Wade tried Wasteland, but Miz slipped out, shoved Wade into the ropes where Kofi hit the Trouble In Paradise from the floor and Miz finished with the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
Winners: The Miz & Kofi Kingston
After the break, we're getting another update on Santa. What will the heart monitor say now??? CAN SANTA SURVIVE???
Back from break and we're back to the loved up couple. Dolph found his MITB case under the Xmas tree. She pretended she got the "last one in the shop" stopping Cena from getting it. She then showed Dolph is last present. Whatever was under her bathrobe. Which was her wearing a custom version of his shirt.
And so, for a second time, after promisign an update to then immediately get AJ & Dolph, we get a Santa update. It's not looking good as we still see and hear the heart monitor. Still no REAL update though. The most of it was that the car did "some damage".
Brad Maddox came out to face to elf, singing "Brad Maddox is coming to RAW. We find out twho it is after the break.
Hornswoggle comes out dressed as an elf. But that said, he's not the only one in costume...
The Great Khali vs. Brad Maddox in a "So they delivered this one in the end..." match
Maddox doesn't want Khali, but rather Hornswoggle. Maddox gets a slap in, but otherwise it's all Kahli, hitting a big chop in the corner. And then another in another corner. Another slap to the chest sends Maddox out, Where Hornswoggle gets a squash in.
However, Maddox takes out a leg and goes to work on Khali. Khali comes back with a slap to the chest, although he was hit with a low dropkick. As Kahli tried to get up, Maddox went to the second rope, but as he jumped out, he was swatted out of the air. Khali then hit the Khali Bomb for the win.
Winner: The Great Khali
Khali & Horny danced int he ring as we saw replays. Hornswoggle told Santa to get well soon. Khali then began to sing, erm, something, and then wished everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! He then realised it was the worng thing and quickly said "And a Merry Christmas".
CM Punk is up next.
Punk & Heyman come out for day 400 of his reign as they note it's Punk vs. Ryback on the first RAW of 2013. Punk mocked Khali's singing and Pittsburgh, drawing a Steelers chant. If only this were live given how they were eliminated from playoff contention yesterday. Punk said Xmas had been ruined thanks to his inability to compete, thanks to Ryback. Ryback ruined Xmas. He can't walk without the crutches. Ryback ruined Chanukah. What did they do to his low-down bastard? Fire him? Nope. Suspend him? Nah. Fine him an obscene amount? Niet. He gets rewarded. They let him wonder around in the fantasy land that he's due a title match.
Even if Punk was in cahoots with Brad Maddox or The Shield, there was no proof of it. And Ryback believes his own crap and thinks he has a match. Punk's holidays have been ruined with rehab and physio.
Heyman got on the mic and told the crowd they don't boo Punk. He's been the champion for 400 consecutive days. And for every one of those days, Punk has been the victim of a conspiracy to take the title away from him. Don't believe him? Take Ryback for example, then. He's recieved not one, ut TWO, chances and on both Ryback failed.
Punk got the mic back and said on 2 legs he's better than him and you could take a leg, arm and eye and he'd be better than Ryback. At this point, Ryback came out. Heyman told Ryback that Punk wasn't cleared and if he laid a hand on him, they'd sue for assault. Ryback said he didn't need to lay a finger on him. He got his Xmas present. They were going to have the match they were supposed to have. Tables...Ladders...Chairs....TLC! TLC! TLC! TLC! TLC!
Daniel Bryan vs. Damien Sandow in a "Best beard is the winner?" match
They had a "SILENCE!"/"NO!"-off at the bell before Sandow lunged for Bryan, almost getting caught in the No Lock. Sandow went out, but took the flying knee off the apron. Back in, Bryan hit the running dropkick, but Sandow took control soon after. Bryan flipped over out of the corner and hit the leaping clothesline, followed by kicks to the chest, although Damien ducked the head shot with a roll up for 2.
Bryan was sent to the apron and posted, which allowed Sandow to take control properly. A suplex picked up a 2 count, before Sandow worked a chinlock. The Side Russian Leg Sweep was followed by the Cubito Aequet. He set Bryan up in the corner for a superplex, but Bryan fought him off. Bryan came down with the headbutt, but Sandow avoided it. He looked for the Terminus, but Bryan countered it into the No Lock for the win.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
The Lumberjacks from earlier are next in a "12 Days of Xmas" 12-man tag match.
The Usos, Brodus Clay, Santino Marella, Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd vs. The Prime Time Players, 3MB & Tensai in a "If Marella gets the pin here, I'm hunting down Santa and slaying him. Pun intended." match
Brodus was the only one to get an entrance, allowing Naomi & Cameron to dance. Young & Clay started off, with Clay squashing Young in his corner early, tagging in Tyson Kidd. Tyson worked the arm in the ropes before mocking the PTP. Gabriel tagged in and they double-teamed him.
Young escaped and tagged in Tensai. Butterfly suplex picked up a 2 count. Gabriel hit kicks and an enxiguri before tagging in Santino. However, he walked right into a shot a Mahal tagged in. Marella "comedically" missed a kick, but back suplexed out of a chinlock. Tags to Drew McIntyre and Jey Uso. Drew took control and tagged in Titus O'Neil, who hit a gutbuster. Tensai back in, and stood tall as Uso tried to hit a spinning forearm.
Titus back in, but he had a Three Point Stance corner charge blocked. Titus tagged in Heath Slater while Jimmy Uso tagged in. Bubba Bomb to Slater was followed with the runnign ass splash for a 2 count. Drew and Mahal broke the pin, but Gabriel & Kidd tokk them out. Slater hit a neckbreaker, but Clay broke up the pin. The match broke down, but Gabriel, Kidd and then Jey Uso hit the Superfly Splash while wearing a Santa hat.
Winners: The babyface team...I'm not writing it all out again!
Another Santa update is on the way. What are the odds we get another Dolph & AJ immediately before it?
Nope, not Dolph & AJ but instead it's Daniel Bryan & Kane. Bryan loves Xmas, Kane hates it. But he knew it meant a lot to Bryan, so he got Bryan a gift. His very own Slammy award. He LOVED it. Bryan got Kane a gift. A puppy dog. Kane loved his too. He was hungry... Bryan said animals were out friends.
Spoke too soon, there's AJ & Dolph as she read a Xmas story about how she shafted John Cena, Vickie Guerrero was fat and Dolph was awesome. They then made out under some mistletoe. They knocked down the Xmas tree in their passion. I assume he then inserted himself into her.
And once again, we see how Santa took a header over Del Rio's bonnet. Cole was brilliant in his desperate questioning of whether Xmas was screwed... Back to Striker, as he said Santa took aa turn for the worse. But then the heart monitor started playing jingle bells and we could see Santa dancing with hsi feet.
John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio in a "Or as WCW called it, a San Francisco 49er match" Miracle On 34th Street match
Cena came out before the break. Ricardo came out to introduce Del Rio, but he was in FLOODS of tears. They had an argument about whether Alberto meant it at the bell, but Cena wasn't buying it, hitting a bunch of mounted punches. Del Rio reversed a whip into the steel steps however. Del Rio hit some kicks to the back. Del Rio got Ricardo to get him a microphone. He yelled that it was an accident. Shot to Cena's head. He said it was an accident. Another shot to Cena. He then said something to Cena, but Cena blocked the shot and hit Alberto with it instead.
Cena then got one of the present at ringside and unwrapped it to reveal a steel chair. He gave Del Rio a couple of shots with it for a 2 count, when Ricardo pulled the ref out the ring. Cena chased him, but Del Rio caught him on the way back in. Ricardo brought over a gift for Del Rio to use. It was a pumpkin pie. Cena ducked the shot and Ricardo ended up with it in his face. Cena tossed Alberto out and took him up the ramp. Cena picked out another gift and found a TV monitor, giving Del Rio a shot to the head with it as we hit the ads.
Alberto was in control up on the stage as we came back. Ricardo proffered another gift. It was worse than before, as it was a teddy bear. Alberto threw it anyway. Cena put Del Rio on his ass before putting a box over Ricardo's head.
They headed back down the aisle, although when Del rio was at the bottom, Cena went back up, looking for another box. The crowd chanted "Use the tree!". So he did. He went back up and found the Al Snow bowling ball. He rolled it down the ramp and, erm, scored the strike.
Cena's next "gift" was a fire extingusher. Del Rio begged off, but Cena gave him a spraying of "snow" anyway.. Ricardo went for a sleeper on Cena and actually got him down. But then Santa Claus came back out! He came down to the ring, and Ricardo was so very happy!.However, Santa clonked him with his present bag. He then pulled out a stocking as Socko and gave Del Rio the Mandible Claw. Del Rio stumbled back into the AA for the happy holiday win.
Winner: John Cena
Cena & "St. Mick" hugged it out as the show ended. FIVE MINUTES EARLY.. For real. All my clocks say it's five minutes to the hour. Only thing I can think of is that somehow, the UK airing has gone ahead of the US broadcast. We have been light on adverts tonight.
That said, this actually did end up being a fun show, although I am now very tired. And I'm still waiting for Santa. So, I'm off to let him do his work...