Rock: You can call the Rock "The Rock" because the Rock is an electrifying, bull riding, fundamental reading, jabroni beating, lalalalalalalaooowwwww Pie Eating, champion who says this to you…
Man:Please, Rock, I have a real problem and…
Rock: The Rock knows. It's the rooty poos, right?
Man:Uh, are you asking if I have diarrhea?
Rock: No. The Rock means that the jabronis are complaining about The Rock's spot at WrestleMania taking away a spot for them. Complaining! About the Rock's rise to fame! Complaining! About the Rock. Well, let the Rock explain something to you. Let the Rock explain something to the millions…and millions of the Rock's fans. Let the Rock channel Adele. Let the Rock channel her song "Someone Like You." Let the Rock…blow your mind.
I heard that you're doing Raw
That you love The Rock and you wanted more
I met your new poster boy too.
He didn't pop the rating… like I did for you.
Old Vince, why are you so shy?
Gotta deal with Steph instead… and her trophy wife.
I hate to turn up, though I'm constantly invited
But my mere mention gets, the fans excited.
They know they'll see my face and wrestling's wrongs are righted
Thanks to me - that's why I'm over.
Never mind, you'll never find someone like Rock
Trending the world and surging the st-ah-ock
Don't resent me, I pray,
Next month when I stray,
"Sometimes The People's Champ but usually Dwayne instead,
Sometimes The People's Champ but usually Dwayne instead,"
You know how the show's whack,
A Straight Edge guy who looks like he's shooting smack,
We were born and raised
In the Attitude Days,
Not by the fruity pebbles of a grinning face
I had to show up, 'cause the contract I did sign it
But I got a film to sell, I hope you buy it.
If Vince were British King, surely I'd be knighted
For getting you all over.
Never mind, you'll never find someone like Rock,
Here let me show you what I mean - knock, knock
Who's there, you said?
I raise my eyebrow, tilt my head,
"It doesn't matter who's there, you should just bring it instead." Huge applause.
No tables or chairs
Compete with the pop
I get from my stares
Who would have known how bittersweet that pie would taste?
Never mind, they never found someone like Rock,
Not Orton, Cena, Miz, or even Br-ah-ock
They can't top me, I know,
Still the star of the show
Show up half the time, but still the main event.
Never mind, they'll never find someone like Rock
Boots to asses, ass to seats, I make people talk
Don't resent me, you boys
And make WrestleMania noise,
Just 'cause Rocky's here, you sit at home instead,
Yeah now 'Rocky's here…so you sit at home instead."
Rock pauses, stares, and then smiles.
Rock:See? Now you know that those guys have nothing to complain about. You tell them that the Rock comes and goes and sells out shows. You tell them that.
Man: I would, but I don't know who "they" are.
Rock: Don't you work for WWE? We're in the parking lot of the arena.
Man: Me? No. I work here at the arena. My mother is having a severe allergic reaction to something she ate and I needed you to move your car so I could take her to the hospital.
Man:But it's fine. That song was awesome. You're so charming.
Rock:Oh. OK. Do you still, uh, need the car moved?
Man:What? Nah. She died during your song. It's cool. There's no rush now.
Hey! Can I have your autograph?
Rock: Uh, sure…
Man:Wow. This is awesome! My mom is never going to believe I met you. Oh…wait! She's dead! Hahahaha. I forgot! Hahahaha. Ahhhhh…. It feels good to laugh again. You're magic. I love you. Can you just make it out to "My New #1 Fan…"
Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…Gorgeous George…Freddie Blassie - The Maker of Champions…Andre The Giant…WrestleMania…Everyone has a price…Ladies and gentlemen, it is electric…if you smelllllll….you're fired…I wanna dip my balls in it…Gimme a Hell Yeah….The Champ is Here!
Raw Theme Plays.
Michael Cole lures the girls to the van and Jerry Lawler clubs them with the frozen turkey leg. But that's in their off-hours. This is the on-hours and Monday Night Raw is on the air. With WrestleMania looming around the bend, who will become Roadkill on the way to WrestleMania? It might be you, if you get to close to Jerry's turkey leg. Keep your distance and you'll be fine, though. Boil your denims, break your promises, and pledge your allegiance to Twitter, it's Raw and it's set to be a "Great One".
The show kicks off with the big rematch. It's WWE Champion CM Punk vs…
Cue Daniel Bryan.
I would…but that jacket has me hypnotized…
Chris Jericho and his Andrew Dice Clay light up coat are with him. Instead of D-Bryan, Y2J steps right into the ring, looks CM Punk dead in the eye and asks..
"Expecting somebody else, Punk? Huh? Listen. Listen. I know you have a big match. Champion vs, Champion, but what I have to say is a little more important. Let me preface it by saying I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. In fact, you're one of my favorites. But, you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do and you know it." - Chris Jericho
Does that hurt, O'Doul's? Huh? It's true. Chris Jericho, my friend - now he is the best in the world. Even more importantly, Y2J never had to inform the world that he was the best in it. He didn't put that on a t-shirt. He proved it. You, Punk. You marketed it.
Then, in a moment that made me hear the music from "Lost", this happened…
"These people said it for me. I never had to write it on a t-shirt. They'd write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this. I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, learning our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we even got to WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics. Didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us. Which position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything."- Chris Jericho
Yes, kids. The theme lately has to do with the dying breed and the, uh, living breed. Angered and somewhat corny, Jericho lets Punky Loser know that he's done nothing fresh. He may have gone against the grain, but it was all because - let's be honest - you're a wannabe Chris Jericho. You plagiarized Chris's entire act! You plagiarizer! Plagiary! Plagiary! 1, 2, 3, 4 - I
declare plagiary war!
After hearing this jibber jabber for a while, Punk finally steps in. People are tired of listening to nonsense. Everyone loves you, Lionheart. You're dying breed is revered by these people. But if you're going to accuse the Pipebomber of plagiary, then you can just pass the blunt to the hoser on your left. CM ain't having it. He earned what he has. You didn't invent anything. You invented being "the best"?
Duh, dippy. You didn't invent that. Remember Bret Hart? Well, you probably saw him as a kid, right? He said he was "the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be". Did you think that up for him when you were a baby? Oh and…
"He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?" - CM Punk
Listen here, Don Rickles. The King of Bling Bling isn't here to witness your comedy stylings. He's here to make a point. Jericho proves his worth every night he goes out there. You can boo, but you know "it's the damn truth". He's squashed the world and taken all your shiny gold belts. He's also had awkward promos - like this one. Although he stumbled here and there, it was lines like this that would have the press salivating if only he were running for president…
"I am not just telling you. I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing in front of you is the literal undeserved, undoubtful, best in the world at everything I do." - Chris Jericho
That was awesome. He totally screwed up the sentence that leads into the statement about being the best at everything. Now that's freaking irony. Big time.
Crowd boos. Boo, boo. This leads to a retort from Charlie Minn Punk. He sees through Jericho's walls and knows that there are some issues stewing there. Who are you trying to prove your worth to, Fozzy? The fans?
Yourself? You used to be cool. Now you're a hater. You doubt your own place in history. After all, as Charlie points out, you may have been champion but you were never "the man" as Punk is around here. Now were you?
We all play along and accept this truth to be self evident. Slowly, this feud becomes The mini- Rock vs. John Cena battle. The Straight Edge Superstar brings up their competing schedules. While Punk is fighting WWE wars, Chris is dumping crap off a building on some game show or being a "rock star".
"I'm here. Swimming with Sharks! While you're Dancing With Stars." - CM Punk
From there, Chris Jericho rips us back from the brink of shooting and back to the kayfabe comfort of home. He tells the Punker that his plagiary was always on his mind during those many Tonight Show appearances. Now, once we've all bought that line of thinking, he explains the coat and all that. Seriously, he explains the point behind his whole debut.
Seriously. Remember how Chris Jericho's return debut featured the mysterious January 2, 2012 Vignettes? They were ominous and implied there would be a female counterpart? Oh…and then after Jericho debuted, he didn't talk for weeks and wore this light up jacket during his ten minute silent monologues? People all praised the angle's brilliance?
Well, he explained it. Ready? This is what it was all about…
"All of those January 2nd Vignettes and the best in the world verbiage and this light up fancy flashy jacket, it's all window dressing because I came back to WWE for one reason and one reason only. And that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world. To take back what is mine. To beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania and shove down your throat that I'm the best in the world at what I do. I prove it. I claim it. I am it every single night!" - Chris Jericho
There it is. That's it. No reason for any of that. The entire thing was a red herring. For the second time in one segment, I get a flashback to Lost. How lame of an explanation is that? There's nothing? Nothing at all? They could have done anything, if they planned on writing it off later.
"All of those January 2nd Vignettes, the flying camel, the swimming pool full of baby food, Uncle Lester, the cast of Hanging With Mr. Cooper, it's all window dressing because I came back to WWE for one reason…"
Either way, Punk didn't care about your coat and stuff. You could have just come to him man to man and made this happen.
"I don't need Chris Brown. You don't need Mickey Rourke. And we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how Awesome we are. And I don’t need a fancy entrance and screw your Lite Brite Jacket!" - CM Punk
Wow. And life for Miz just gets worse by the week. The second he leaves, TNA is going to grab him. It has nothing to do with the fact that he was with WWE. He was on an MTV Reality Show. For that, Dixie'll pay him the real money.
The match is made. Best in the World - The Match, The Movie at Mania. Good promo, if a little long. In the context of today's show, it was better than the average yak, yak, yak. Plus, these guys both have the skills to back up all the promises they make. Still, it was kinda long.
So long, in fact, that by the time Daniel Bryan came out, I forgot he was wrestling and just jumping into the talkfest. I wondered, "How much longer is this going to go?" Not much. Bryan's arrival along with AJ, John Laurinaitis, and David Otunga signaled the end of the talking and the start of the battle. Yet again, a match between the two World Champions is overshadowed by another conflict. I don't get that thinking at all. It just…hang on. Let me start the match and then complain.
1. World Champion Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk was a no-contest…I think
OK. So yeah. What the hell? I'm never a fan of having too many Champion vs. Champion matches. Then again, I'm not a big fan of two World Champions in one wrestling company. But if you have two World Champions in your company, I think it's a good idea not to have them fight each other often. If you do, it should be a major thing. Major. Not as fodder for Theodore Long vs. John Laurinaitis. Who thinks that a good idea? Who sits down at a meeting and goes, "You know, World Titles are all fine and good, but people really like George Jefferson and Super Dave Osborne. What if we used the World Title match to hype some weird tag thing with guys who remind them of George Jefferson and Super Dave?" So that's what they did. It wasn't just the topic of commentary either - it was the commentary. Teddy and Johnny both did commentary with the announce team. They were joined by Santino Marella and David Otunga respectively. And, as we all know, Michael Cole likes to "show off" in front of company. So he was extra chatty here and conducted interviews with the fake authority figures while the two Champions fought on in front of them. It drives me nuts. In the grand scheme of things, the General Manager means nothing. The shows are nearly identical under each authority figure. Raw has looked exactly the same for like a decade. From Eric Bischoff to Sherriff Steve Austin, nothing has changed. So a battle for total power doesn't really intrigue anyone. If Teddy Long wins, we all go, "nice" and move on. If Ace wins, we all shrug and go, "that sucks" and move on. It doesn't matter. Yet it's pushed over the World Titles in importance.
One person who cared about the match was Otunga (who was wearing a sweater that looked like a pair of socks I have).
Jennifer Hudson kept trying to interject himself until a Santino "Cobra" took him down. This leads to Laurinaitis pulling Marella from the apron and getting into a heated argument between all the parties at ringside.
During said argument, Daniel Bryan tries to escape…only to be brought back by Sheamus. Sheamus's new gimmick is that he's the guy who brings Daniel Bryan back when he runs away. That's pretty much all he does now. Anyway, the Freagin' Vegan is tossed back to the fray, hit by a GTS, and covered…
…but Johnny disallows the count. He forces the referee to ring the ding and disqualify someone - anyone. This brings Teddy Long into the fray. He pushes Johnny. Another argument ensues. Yay. All this feud needs is a Mae Young appearance and something on a pole.
But surprise, surprise. While all this is going on, CM Punk walks the ramp and into the back only to be attacked by Chris Jericho. Y2J has ditched his Siegfried and Roy coat and tears into the champion on the steel grating. He finishes off the beatdown by locking in his Walls of Jericho until the begging referees convince him to show some compassion. He does…but holds the WWE Title above his head in a show of victory.
This show feels like it's been five hours long so far. The Jericho-Punk segment was touch and go. It was good, but a bit long. Following it up with another wasted Champion vs. Champion match to bolster the General Manager feud just brought the mood down even more. But hey. Buck up, Benny. The Rock is on his way. What will he have to say? It doesn't matter what he'll have to say. Ha ha. Got you. Smile, cupcake.
Before the break, Chris Jericho pummeled CM Punk. In case you forgot, we rewatch it. Also, if you did forget, you should probably call a doctor. It was like two minutes ago. You get kicked in the head by a mule or something?
Josh Matthews uses a lot of product in his hair and he's standing by outside a bathroom with a sign that says "Training Room" stuck on it. He claims that CM Punk is in there. He's hurt, but angry as well. I guess Josh felt that was important. I know that whenever someone I care about is injured, my first question is always, "Are they angry? Phew. As long as I know they're angry, I can sleep."
You guys like videos? Good. Because WWE has a lot to show you. This one is about Undertaker vs. Triple H and features many superstars expressing their feelings about this upcoming match. Noticeably absent - Chyna, Charo, and Charles Nelson Reilly.
Later tonight, John Cena vs. The Miz. What will Miz do and get yelled at for? Find out!
Commercial Break. You know, if someone told me when I was a kid that by 2012, there'd be commercials for "Droids" but they would just be phones and not robots, I'd have been pretty disappointed.
2. Kelly Kelly pinned Nicki Bella
Back from the break and former war correspondent Michael Cole is lowered to reading me Kelly Kelly's Tweets. It was sad. It even had a valley girl "like" in it. This match wasn't exciting, but you knew that already. The funny part was that Kelly ended it with a great looking bridge pin on Nicki. Everyone reacted like she was a blind girl painting a sunset. We were all so happy and proud.
Up next, Fruity Pebble vs. the guy who needs big blow up letters to say he's Awesome.
Commercial Break. Geico saves me 15% if I give them 15 minutes. So, if I give them an hour and a half, they give me free car insurance?
Yo. You can't see me!
Mr. Cena, please stop harassing that little girl and let her finish painting her sunset.
John Cena is the first introduced and the reason why is because The Miz has to go on a rant. He says he deserves better than to be ignored by WWE for WrestleMania time. For a guy who's getting "depushed", he's sure getting a lot of mic time, huh? Evoking a pretty crazy response from a rabid crowd, Mizerable Mike promises to prove his salt in the ring and rebeat Cena, like he did at last year's Mania. Because he's the Miz…and he's applesauce.
3. John Cena pinned The Miz
Sure, in the grand scheme of things, Miz has been demoted a bit. But things hit the skids long ago. He's been sliding a bit down since the Alex Riley deal. Moments like this show that he's still in the mix and, while not at the top level he was a year ago, he's still used enough and allowed to showcase what he can do. If he truly has talent, he'll get himself over enough again to the point that they can't ignore As the announcers compare and contrast his place on the card today versus a year ago, we get the feeling that life is not all that Awesome for Mizter Mike. It's losses like this one that prove that point. With nearly no fightback, Miz was overpowered by the Marine. He was shoulder blocked, knuckled, adjusted, and STF'd. He did nothing but take it and like it. This thing was so "Paint-By-Numbers" that the ring had newspaper on it and your mom made you wear a smock.
As the former Champion celebrates in the ring, we get a big screen glimpse of his whisker biscuit opponent for WrestleMania - The Rock. Nothing major happens. Just the promise that there's some more talking coming up. You like talking, right? Sure you do. You use it to communicate, you big hypocrite. Now all of a sudden you find it boring over and over again on a wrestling show? Don't talk to me. Hypocrite.
WWE Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match -
Three Men Allowed In The Ring
Each Can Tag Their Partner
First Team To Score Pinfall or Submission Become Champions
No One Is Allowed To Throw Up On Their Opponent
No Open Mouth Kissing
World Tag Team Champions Primo and Epico defeated Jack Swagger/Dolph Ziggler and R-Truth/Kofi Kingston
I guess at some point R-Truth's babyface turn will sink in. His heel turn is like the human version of Jericho's jacket. I'm just so let down that there wasn't something more to it. It just was and now it's not. Primo and Epico are a real solid team to have as champions. They show good chemistry and look like a team. Rosa also works well with them. In fact, Swagger and Ziggler can have the same said about them and Vicki. Things seems so fresh in WWE's tag team division that I'm waiting for all the yay-sayers to jump in with their bi-annual call that WWE's "revamping the tag team division." In reality, we should just enjoy the good teams they have now and hope no one notices how well their doing before splitting them up. The longer we can ride this Londrick thing, the better. In the end, the tag champions retained their gold. Epico covered Swagger, got the win, and danced the Lambada in his head - that's the forbidden dance.
Immediately following this victory, the lights went dark and the fire rose. Kane stepped out form the curtain and up the aisle. As he did, he beat the crap out of Primo, Dolph, Epico, and R-Truth all by himself. If that doesn't squash any tag team revamp hopes, nothing will. So much for yay-saying.
David Otunga is holding the cup full of pee that he sips from as he and John Laurinaitis discuss the Oscars backstage. The ambiguously authoritative duo are rudely interrupted by Teddy Long, who comes baring rumors. The rumor? Next week's Raw is going to be out of your hands, Johnny. Well, John heard a rumor too, Ted. It said that you're going to be fired as Smackdown GM. Long calls Ace a "horse's ass" and we end. Ugh. Bad enough that the feud is tedious, the skits building it up has to be too? This pointless segment comes to an end and succeeds in its goal of killing a minute of airtime.
Commercial Break. In case you need to know if you have a problem, go to see the Lorax. If you think, halfway through, "You know, she's not too bad. I might do her." Then - yes - you have a drinking problem.
We recap the Every Woman On Earth Is Evil Storyline with Eve. I love how the people who wrote the whole "Eve's a Hoeski" story probably think it's genius and biblical given how Eve of Eden is traditionally seen as a sinning temptress by scholars. In reality, though, it's stupid and just shows how the people writing these shows have deep rooted anger issues with women. All of them. Every woman. Even your mom. Especially your mom.
Eve is here to greet the live crowd and gets booed for her troubles. How dare she not return Zack Ryder's awkward 8th grade love? Braving "Hoeski" chants, Evelyn decides to give us the ol' "I'm a woman in a man's world" speech. She uses men, but they love it because she's hot. You want her to use you. Running down her list of accomplishments, she laments how men fall to her feet. As this bizarre caricature of whatever woman wronged Vince McMahon at a young age speaks further about her stance, you can't help but resent her. The worst part of all?
Nothing happened. The segment ended with a blown kiss and a strut off into the set. That's it. Another segment that did nothing but waste time. I know that the show doesn't usually have too many complete segments, but I'm pretty surprised at how much fluff is being spooned into this Rocky Returns sundae.
As she walks backstage, Eve is stopped by Kelly Kelly. Kelly asks why the two are no longer friendly. Eve laughs in her face. Whenever Kelly Kelly does a skit, it always seems like a porno that stops before the actors have sex.
Commercial Break. See Edge's new film "Bending The Rules". It looks better than most of the films WWE has put out. Then again, that's like saying you're the fattest anorexic in treatment.
I'm sorry, Billy. You have lice.
Billy, were you sharing hats with anyone?
No Doctor Murphy, I swear!
Billy…I saw you. I saw you on TV. You wore Big Show's hat.
Oh. Doctor, I didn't…
SILENCE BILLY! Now you must pay! ARGH!!!
You're not the doctor! HELP!
Before the start of our next tag match, Cody Rhodes gives us another embarrassing Big Show WrestleMania moment. T his time around, it was teeny weeny Floyd Mayweather knocking Big Show out cold. I don't know why Biggie doesn't just respond by showing a video of Cody's dad plunging a toilet in polka dots. Seems like it would be a game-ender, no?
5. Big Show and Sheamus defeated Cody Rhodes and Mark Henry when Shamus pinned Henry
Sheamus really ruined WrestleMania. Nice going, Sheamus. In a year that WWE figured it had enough to sell Mania on, they knew they could undersell the Royal Rumble winner's match. So it opened the door for someone like Big White Sheamus. It's just weird and not what you normally expect from the January PPV's winner. Instead, he's used as seat filler for Big Show's feud with Cody Rhodes heading to Mania. To WWE's credit, though, they have built the Show-Rhodes well.
Mark Henry has lost a bit of momentum in all this though. Since his return, the World's Strongest Man has settled back into his spot of being the big imposing force who everyone can have a chance to beat. You know how long it took Sheamus to beat him? Like a minute. Serious. Boom, boom, Brogue Kick, pinfall, feller.
Five Hour Energy is "faster than coffee". Hey! That's cocaine's slogan!
Shawn Michaels returns to Raw again next week - leading more thought to a possible Triple Threat Mania match with Undertaker and Triple H. It seems more and more possible with each twist this thing has taken. It would be nuts.
Excuse me, Rock, would you mind passing me that roll of animal toiler paper?
The Rock wipes a monkey's anus with your animal toilet paper!
Oh…OK. Great. Thanks. That'll save me some time. I'll go clean out the bird cages. I owe you one.
Finally…the Rock has come back to Portland. Unable to speak over the crowd's applause, The Rock waits to finally say his piece and starts by showing the goosebumps on his arm. He says that "this, this feels so damn good." It's kinda creepy, but we like him, so we cheer.
The crowd starts chanting "Poopshoot Asses" or something like that. Rock promises to "get into chants all night long" - which is scary because it's already after 11pm. He digresses, though. Yes. As other have pointed out, The Rock is not here every single week. He was, though. For years, he was here every week. He was born in WWE. Created in WWE. Delivered by Dr. Heiney and Dr. Yankum right on the announce table. Had it not been for WWE and its fans, there would be no Rock. Well, there would still be a Rock Hudson and rock music, but that’s not what he means. Stop splitting hairs.
The WWE Born Great One addresses John Cena's criticism and, although he mentions no names, the vocal males in the crowd chant "Fruity Pebbles". The Brahma Bull explains how the audience respects him for keeping his heart in the business. They know that he's here because he loves the company. Nothing more. Nothing less. He will always be a part of WWE and it will always be a part of him. Not in a sexual way. You know. In a non-sexual way. Just friends.
Rocky then turns his attention to authenticity. He used to feel that Cena was "phony". How could a private school posh boy be a "Doctor of Thuganomics"? Surely, young John Boy must be fake.
But oh no. He's not fake. As the Rock points out, he's everything he should be…
"You're the guy who came out here last week and you’re ran me down even though I wasn't in the building. You ran me down. You're the guy, John, who came out with all that passion and anger. And said you had to go through a wave of people just to get through to me when you can't get to me directly when the truth is, John, you have my cell phone number. You've called me before on it. But the ironic thing is, John, I don't even want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you on my cell. I don't want to talk to you in public." - The Rock
And he will not talk to you on a train or in a tree. Not on a boat, you let him be! Of course, this little ad-lib begs the question, what are these two discussing?They chat on the phone? Ooooo! Do they text funny pictures and gossip about Glee? Eeeee! Weird. Of course, every Rock promo needs a food reference.
"I don't want to talk to you. I'd rather slap your face with a piece of Kung Pow Chicken. You see, John, you're not a phony. I don't even think you're a bad guy. But what you are is a Kung…Pow…Bitch." - The Rock
Yikes. A bitch served in a delicious spicy sauce? That's the tastiest kind! Of course, bitch boy doesn't come out. He stays in the back on his Kung Pow Butt and lets Maivia rip him apart some more. He does just that. Jumping on Cena's promise to fight on "behalf of those who want to be professional wrestlers in the back" by claiming that no young wrestlers want someone to fight for them, Rocky takes his turn at the whole "dying breed" gimmick.
He uses John's words to point out his out-of-touch views. Young wrestlers fight. They don't let others do their fighting. Dropping inside terms like babyface and hot button names like Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Maivia whips the fans into a frenzy. He then brings it full circle. While The Marine can fight for the boys in the back, the Great One will fight…for the people.
Huge pop. Rocky says the people are "tired of having a Kung Pow Bitch shoved down their throat every single night." Bigger pop. Wow. This feud is sure helping Cena long-term, huh?
This goes on and on with Rocky listing all the things he did with his millions and millions of fans that Cena can't touch. He goes step by step through all the ways he's out cooled him from the start. From the mocking Fruity Pebbles moniker to your "goofy face on a cereal box" to "ladyparts" trending worldwide.
"Boom. You're welcome, bitch." - The Rock
As the comedy show continues, I can't help but hope there's more to it than this. I'd hate to see that this show full of fluff was main evented by a promo full of fluff. Right around the time that the Rock was playing chant games with the crowd and making fun of John's camouflaged shorts, I realized that it was fluff. But when the crowd chants "Missing Balls" - wouldn't you know it? Here comes the Missing Baller from Private School…
Smile on his face, John Cena arrives and this show will never end.
"You actually referred to me as Kung Pow Chicken. Kung Pow Chicken! Only The Rock could refer to me as Kung Pow Chicken. It's genius. Absolutely brilliant because every single Chinese Restaurant you go to, it's always there." - John Cena
One can't help but sense some sarcasm from the Hate Riser as he addresses the Hall of Famer's critiques. Sure, JC runs you down when you're not here, Rock. He does it when you are here too. Just like the millions of Rocky fans, Cena loved your shtick. That is, until he met the prick behind the shtick named Dwayne. That guy sucks and that guy's you.
"Dwayne Johnson is a self centered, egotistical, see-through son of a bitch that wouldn't give a rat's ass if this company closed its doors tomorrow. Now let me tell you something, Jack. I don’t need words like respect and loyalty to trend worldwide. Just like I don't need my notes for my promo on my wrist. Nice tattoo." - John Cena
After a nice long worked shoot stare down, these two do the obligatory WrestleMania face-to-face shot and finish with John Cena leaving the ring. Before he does, he sends the dancing bear back to do his show.
"Continue trending." - John Cena
With the Thuggy Doctor gone, Rocky's voice gets a shake and he seems a little off his game unlike before. But he tries to get his groove back and promises to kick some candy ass all over WrestleMania. If you smell what the Dwayne is cooking…
Fade to black, Kung Pow Bitch.
All in all…Not too great.
Obviously the Cena-Rock stuff was historic and pretty exciting for the most part. I'm sure there will be planted stories and debate over whether Cena's appearance was unplanned or not. Unfortunately, we had a night full of long talks and in-ring afterthoughts surrounding it. Things were either incredibly drawn out like Punk-Jericho or pointless completely like Eve's speech.
This Dying Breed thing is stupid too. Now Jericho is in it. So the Dying Breed is Undertaker, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, and Rock. Maybe they should get t-shirts. Start side groups. There could be Dying Breed Wolfpac. Dying Breed Hollywood. Latino Dying Breed. Dying Breed 2000….
Why you would feature so many filler segments and talking moments on a show you plan on closing out with a big Rock stage show is beyond me. By the time Rocky did his thing, you were tired of his thing from seeing everyone else do it. It made the entire night feel long and tiring.
So Jericho's January 2nd Vignettes meant nothing? The jacket? Nothing? What was the point? It's things like that which turn the audience off from ever playing guessing games with your surprises. No point in picking apart clues that are no more than misdirection. It was a let down, to say the least.
I also can't get over how the World Champions facing each other is being done to get over the GM feud. If that doesn't give you a snapshot of what's wrong with the current state of wrestling, nothing will.
That does it for me, guys. Be Well! Thanks for sharing my Insanity!