Everyone's talking about the upcoming WWE Network. Of course, by "everyone", I mean wrestling fans online and no one else on planet Earth. The big question? What will the lineup look like? Well, behold. In a Raw Insanity exclusive, I have found out for you. How did I get it?
I got it from my top secret inside source that I can't confirm to be Vicki Guerrero.
I can't confirm that because it's actually Yoshi Tatsu, but I digress. Here's the exact write-up, as sent to me via electronic mail like the kids use for all the sexting and social netbooking and what-have-you.
WWE Network Lineup. Not For Public Release! Scheduled Debut… April 2012
March 2013 Christmas 2047
Mark Henry's Terrifying Comedy Jam
Mark Henry is scary. He also likes to tell jokes. You gonna tell him no? You would? Well, you're f**kin' crazy.
Announcer:Laugh Factory. Please, get ready to welcome a very, uh, large fellow. He's making his comedy debut here tonight. Spread your legs like Mae Young and give a hand to the Silverback of Standup…Mark Henry!
Mark Henry:Hi! I'm Mark Henry! Man. You know what I like to notice? The difference between white folk and black folk. Like, you ever see a white guy as you're beating him to death? He's all like…(straightens invisible tie, high pitched squeaky voice) "Ahem. It appears I'm being beaten to death. Oh no, Susan. How will I be able to enjoy my Maroon Five albums and Grey's Anatomy on Tivo? Oh woe is me!" (normal voice) Ha ha ha. Yeah. But you beat a brother to death, that's an entirely different story, jack. Brothers be all like…(squinting eyes and hopping around in a circle) "Shit! You killin' mah ass! I gettin' beat to death, Mother F**ker! I getting' beat! AH! AH! I don't even know who you are! Ah! Mah ass be dying and shit!" (regular voice) He he he. Yeah, it's the little things. How come you all ain't laughing?
Fine, you ready for jokes?!
I said are you READY FOR SOME OF THESE DAMN JOKES!?
(polite and frightened applause)
You people better say who's there or I'm gonna start hurting you all.
(crowd mumbles "who's there?")
Ima murder everybody in this room!
Santino Marella Delivers Devastating News
What better way to soften the blow of a painful piece of news than with the wonderful fauxhawked Santino Marella? With his hand up a Cobra sock, the Milan Miracle brings smiles to everyone's face. Well, almost everyone. Well, some people. OK. Fine. A few college stoner kids in Upstate New York. But, whatever. Here. Watch as he delivers some devastating news to some devastated people. What fun!
At the hospital…
Ah yes. Hello. I'sa me - yours truly, Santino Marella. The doctor tells me to comes talk to you. Yes. Ha ha. It's a'ok. I am a'here. I want to tell you - how do you say - you son he is a'deads! His car go skiddy skiddy boom boom. He had, uh, his brains, they scrambled like, you say, the marbles. Do not cry. Here, I play an invisible trombone in his honor.
Oh, I'ma sorry, Mr. Chop Choppa You Mama. Oh! I'ma sorry. No appeal. Deeee-nied! Oh! I'ma sorry. It look like you have you exxxxxeeeecutiooon-ay in the mornings! Ah!
On the street…
Whatchu looky at? I'sa yours truly, Santino Marella! You wife a'Sandra sent'a me. She says to tell a you spermies no make'a dis baby. You not da papas! Ha ha. Also…you have'a da AIDs! Ha! Thanks you very much!
Are You Smarter Than a Crooked Indy Wrestling Promoter?
Forget Carnal Knowledge. This first game show on WWE Network is all about Carnie Knowledge. Featuring some terrible stereotypes that most Indy promoters just can't seem to shake because they're all usually true.
Are you smarter than a Crooked Indy Wrestling Pro-mo-ter…?
Do you cut your coke with ba-king so-da…?
You'll get no refunds here…are you dirtier than you used to be?
Host:Now, Phil, you've banked $1,000. Of course, you get $25 up front and we give you the other $975 minus expenses from the gate plus free access to our showers. Now, Phil, the question is simple. You've just put on a show that drew a lot less than expected. You have just enough money to either pay all the boys who worked the show or enough to pay for the remainder of the balance on the building rental. You can't pay both. Now, the question - when you sneak out your office window with all the money, which object is best to block your door so none of the wrestlers or building management can get to you?
A:A crowbar B: The commemorative WrestleMania
chair you tell people Vince McMahon sent you for Chirstmas C: A Thai Hooker D: Your company’s World Title belt
OK. Snort this. Good. You have 30 seconds. Go!
Featuring guests and the always exciting Wheel of Luck…
Congratulations, Phil. You've made it to the bonus round. It's time to see what superstar wrestler will be your partner for this big Indy blowout finale. Go ahead. Let's hope you land on a sober one. Round it goes. Oh, almost landed on Jake Roberts there. That was a close…oh, oh, oh noooooo. Oh Phil. As you can see, you landed on Scott Hall. You know what that means. You're out of business and will most likely have to issue some refunds and apologies. Hopefully you'll make some money on the DVD sales. We have some lovely parting gifts for you.
Other great shows like Michael Cole in Whadda Douche!
Big Show Can't Stop Sweating
Will Steve Lombardi Eat This Shoe Just Because Mr. McMahon Said To? Are You Serious? - The Real World Edition (Various WWE employees go to different schools and mock handicapped children.)
Check out all the excitement when WWE Network comes to your cable carrier in August 2098.
ClubWWI.com Members already know about the 300+ superstars available the moment you sign up. But also, be sure to check out the latest "Breaking The Ice" with Glacier and bodybuilding icon Ric Drasin. Then, stick around for the all new 63 minute shoot interview with Boris Zhukov! Click Here To Join Now-
Other Topics in Boris Zhukov's Uncut
ClubWWI.com Shoot Interview: His Shockingly Different Non-Wrestling Voice, How He Knew That Vince McMahon Wanted To Make Him a Jobber, The Night Nikolai Volkoff Fed Matilda So Much Water That She Peed In The Ring, Ribs From The Rockers, What Mick Foley Did That Ruined His Hell in a Cell Moment With Undertaker, What Jake Roberts Did To Calm Damian Down, What Vince Told The WWF Roster About Wrestling's Future, Why Boris Refused a Plane Ticket WWF Sent Him, The Steve Allen WrestleMania Shower Segment, The Huge Differences Between Wrestling Then and Today, How WWE and TNA Depress Him, Heat You Can't Buy, McMahon Wanting Heels To Be Nice To The Fans, Undertaker, Triple H, Frankie B. Ware's Clipped Wings, Snuka vs. Steamboat, and More Read More
Hi there. Welcome to Raw. Michael Cole wants to know what you're wearing and Jerry Lawler wants you to take it off. Yeah? OK. That's good. Now, mute the TV because they're just going to annoy the crap out of you for the next two hours. With the Road To WrestleMania lined with dead hobos and used syringes, what do we have to look forward to? Will the next chapter in John Cena's epic battle with the Rock play out? What body part will Rocky doodle words on this week? Strudel doodle?
Ya think? Ugh. Will Triple H make everyone happy and announce he's dying. Breed true and true and stands for the old school? Oh. I think I messed up punctuation there. What we do know is that you still have your pants on and it's pissing Michael Cole off. So drop them jeans, drop some shrooms, and trip the light fantastic. It's uncut, uncooked, and sometimes unwatchable. It's Raw!
Grandma, why does Shawn Michaels look so old?
Ha ha. Very funny, kid. Stop being a jerk and just play my music.
Shawn Michaels is the first man out of the gate. Michael Cole declares that "WrestleMania Fever" is in the air. Sounds frightening. Tonight's Raw, under the management of Teddy Long, starts off with the Heartbreak Kid and the cowgirl hat he got at Marshalls. He catches his breath after his classic entrance before speaking.
"Nowadays, the greatest thing about the HBK chant is that it gives me a moment to catch my breath because I'm not used to doing that stuff anymore." - Shawn Michaels
That's sad. I always imagined him doing it in the living room and stuff. You get invited to his house for a barbeque and he gyrates around the fire before tearing off his mirrored pants. Seemed about right. Guess not. What else is untrue, Mr. Shawn Michaels…if that's even your real name! Wait, what…?!
So, the story goes that Triple H won't step up and try to end the Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania. Michaels knows that Hunter can get the task done. But he refused…until now. Thy Game shall battle Mean Mark and the evening shall be WrestleMania with a Hell of a Cell all around. Now Kid Heartbreak needs the scoop, Trips. Why did you accept? Come out here and explain yourself. The time for games is over.
Time to play the Game!
Oh. Right. Well, not you. Games like games. Not Games likes yous. You know. Whatever. Hey, Triple H. Welcome to the ring. What's the good word?
The Gamy One hugs his DeGeneration buddy and the two have a heart-to-heart about all that's gone down between them. The Boy Toy references Hunter's first WWF Theme, "My Time", by saying, "That's why you're the responsible one." Adding to the growing trend of legendary stars over-talking situations and boring the fans, Shawn speaks at length about the Game's convictions. He then brings up something he did that, well, wasn't so great too. As you may recall, the Rocker with the ladies hat called Hunter Hearst Stephanie a "coward" and, as you may also recall…
"You did nothing." - Shawn Michaels
Now, Cowardly Lion, tell Shawn the truth. Did something else make you make this match? Somebody must have really turned you around. What was it that made you change your mind? Let's see the footage. That's right. There's footage.
"I want to sit with my friend of 17 years. I want to sit with you and the world and share this moment that made you break down and say, 'I can do it.' Let's you and I share this together." - Shawn Michaels
Long story short, WWE found a way to make Michaels and Hunter watch a video together and have it take 10 minutes to get there. If wrestling were real, these people would be the most longwinded of all time. It would take them 17 minutes to order pizza. The video, as you would imagine, is what we saw two weeks back. It was the taunt that perhaps Mr. Michaels was better than Mr. Helmsley by Mr. Taker that changed his mind. It's an awkward piece of footage and the tension between the two is so thick that you could cut it with an, I don't know. Whatever. A candy cane. No one cares. Even the crowd doesn't. They chant "Undertaker" - who has almost nothing to do with what's going on right now.
The heart-to-heart between the Kliquers carries on and explanations are given. Gameboy says that his has nothing to do with "who's better."
"I'm tired of listening to it. I am tired of listening to people like the Undertaker talk behind your back saying you couldn't get the job done. I am tired of people talking behind your back and saying you're a failure. I am tired of people saying on the way out, you couldn't do it because you weren't as good as you thought you were in the first place."- Triple H
I want to know who these people are. I'm guessing Brutus Beefcake is one of them because he's still mad about losing the window to his talk show.
After the obligatory "you're the best ever" line, Trippy expresses his pain beyond measure when he looks to Shawn as a "loser". He promises to end the streak and end the Taker forever. Terra Ryzin will do what "everyone runs their mouth saying you couldn't do." He'll do it for both of you, kid. Yeah. Love. Ah.
Now comes the veiled happiness.
Michaels tackles the 800 pound gorilla in the room and lays it on the line. Shawn knows what you went through. Last year, you showed the world your worth against Undie…but then you lost. Shawn knew you would.
"This year, at WrestleMania at Hell in a Cell, I know who's gonna win and I'll be right again." - Shawn Michaels
The Boy Toy turns to leave…but then comes back.
"Oh, I'm sorry. The reason I know that is because I've been made the special referee." - Shawn Michaels
This segment took forever and wasn't all that great. The end result being a guest referee spot didn't make it any better. You have two of the best and most well-known active wrestlers in the business facing off at the biggest pay-per-view of the year. How many gimmicks do you need to stick on it. Hell in a Cell. Guest Ref. If they start putting crap on poles, I'm leaving.
Tonight - The Rockers of Thuganomics explode as Dwayne Johnson and John Cena go head to head. Also, CM Punk teams with Sheamus against Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho.
Commercial Break. How come whenever I'm in the mood for buffalo wings, I'm never anywhere near buffalo wings?
1. Santino Marella pinned Jack Swagger to become the new United States Champion
Santino Marella just told a couple that they can't have children and has since arrived for his battle with Jack swagger. Good for him. Jack Swagger combs his hair like Dennis the Menace now. Before things even got started, John Laurinitus and the guy who I assume he's dating, David Otunga, show up to watch. They join Dolph Ziggler and Vicki Guerrero. The small village assembles outside the ring and cheers on their Swaggerific buddy. It doesn't take long for interference to rear its ugly head. After a vicious shot by Ziggler, Marella hits canvas and gets slammed down in a Swaggerbomb. It was the kind of shot that was sure to earn a three count.
And sure to earn a big response when it was only two.
Luckily, the authority figure angle is the most important thing here. Teddy Long, dressed like a pimp on the Simpsons, shows up with Kofi Kingston and Aksana. Much like they did to overshadow the World Title match last week, Laurinitus and Long argue heatedly. All this pointless arguing ultimately did nothing. Interference was thwarted at each turn and the shocking roll-up by Santino Marella came from nowhere. Referee Scott Armstrong, who spent the bulk of the match blankly staring at the commotion outside the ring (JG Note: Probably thinking, "Are they supposed to be dating? It seems like they're supposed to be dating or something."), finally turned around to count the three and shock the world. The Milan Miracle strikes again.
This sends Johnny Ace into a tizzy. This is still his show, after all. Needless to say, that declaration of power doesn't go over well with the acting GM. The Simpsons Pimp tells John and Carlton to get out of his ring. In fact, let him help you along. With a flick of his hand, his Longship summons security. With bad rubbish gotten rid of, Theodore has a smiling Justin Roberts once again announce Marella as the new United States Champion. That's pretty crazy.
Commercial Break. Fridays says "In Here Every Day is Friday". That sucks. Isn’t Friday just a weekday? Don't most people still have to get up at like 6am on Fridays? If every day is Friday, isn't it no different than every day being Monday? No one thought about this? It's like one of those f'd up loopholes that evil genies get you on when you make a wish.
Yakity Yak, Rocky's back. Earlier today, at Boston Harbor, the Rock made a little video and he shows it to us on the big TV that Vince McMahon has at the top of the ramp. This video is about lessons. Here's a lesson for you.
"In 1773, the people of Boston had had enough. They had enough of the British because like you, John Cena in the WWE, the British were here in their faces every single week. Every single month. Year after year after year. They had enough. The people started a revolution. The American Revolution. Well tonight, we start a new revolution - a Rock Revolution. In 1773, the people took England's tea and they threw it in the Boston Harbor, calling it the Boston Tea Party. Well tonight, we're gonna have a party of our own. The Rock, the People's Champ, the people, Team Bring It - we're gonna have a party of our own." - The Rock
"There's a man right now in his 30s or 40s who actually has this in his garden. And he's a virgin." - The Rock
He mocks Cena's wristbands as a transvestite Wonder Woman fighting crime. He mocks John Cena cologne as "fear, Fruity Pebbles, and possum piss." After he unsells a lot of John's merchandise, the People's Johnson says that the night is just starting.
The announcers have a special guest in the form of little Miss Double K. Kelly Kelly and Eve have a Twitter war of words. But she doesn't want to talk about that. She wants to talk about the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards. I found myself drifting off but think she was nominated for the person most teens want to have sex with or something. Not really sure. Definitely something about wanting to have sex, though. She's up for it. Jessica Alba and Liza Manelli too, I believe. Not sure, though. Like I said, I was in and out.
2. Even pinned Alicia Fox
This match looked like a dance competition. It lasted like two seconds and no one in the crowd made a sound.
When it ended, the familiar "Woo Woo Woo" anthem sounded and Zack Ryder came hobbling out. The Long Island Iced Z has a John Cena Garden Gnome in his garden and he's got one thing to say to you, Eve. He's glad that he never hooked up with you. Because it's "Broskis before Hoskis." Badaboom Ching. That's it. Cheesy-skis. Even Michael Cole remarks how weak Ryder's line was. Poor Zack. In all this Kanefusion, Santino went and became the new favorite underdog. For the time being, the ship has sailed out from under his nose. He's like Alex Riley in a headband.
Commercial Break. Pizza Hut has a Ten Dollar Pizza Box. At the end, they say, "The best thing about it, is that it's ten bucks!" Well, you sort of gave that away with the name already. Was anyone expecting you to charge 20 dollars for the Ten Dollar Pizza Box?
Via videotape, John Cena is in the empty arena delivering a monologue. He talks about his hometown and the New England Patriots. It's a whole to-do about no one remembering second place. The story that John Boy's the underdog here. If he wins, he makes history. If he loses, he becomes another bump on the Rocky road. You know the deal. A very overdone speech that ends with Cena staring off at the WrestleMania sign. Kind of an unneeded segment, as was the Rock's before. It's overkill on an angle that could get a bigger reaction cold in the main event spot. As it stands now, I'm already growing tired of it and neither guy has even shown up yet.
Commercial Break. Subway has a sub called "Jalapeño Tuna". If I were a rapper, that would be my rap name.
WWE Untrue Match Fact: All four men in this match - CM Punk, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, and Daniel Bryan - appeared on The Facts of Life under the stage names Kim Fields, Mindy Cohen, Nancy McKeon, and Charlotte Rae. AJ, Bryan's manager, played the role of Jo's dad, Charlie Polniaczek.
3. Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan defeated CM Punk and Sheamus when Jericho pinnd Punk
There was a lot of talk about Tweeting. Michael Cole really likes Tweeting. He just Tweets himself all day long. No one helps him. He Tweets himself. There's lots of Twitter talk. With constant reminders about what's trending, you have to wonder if the term "Trending on Twitter" starts trending on Twitter, would WWE be able to take credit for it? Things to make you go hmmmm. This match was what it was supposed to be and showed that all these guys are good choices to carry the World Title picture. Chris Jericho scored the pinfall on CM Punk after nearly being pinned himself. All that's well and good, but you're probably wondering what the Rock said earlier today? What? You weren't wondering about the Rock? Oh well…
This afternoon, ol' Strudel Doodle was by the Paul Revere statue. The Rock gives us another history lesson. This one is about Paul Revere. Duh. What did you think it would be about? Candy Corns? Rocky stands beside a John Cena life-size standup and does his act with all the bells and whistles. Although he gets a big pop for singing a parody of Yankee Doodle, it still seems to be too much. The People's Champ does his whole schtick that keeps gives me some wicked Boston dejavu. You know why? Because we just saw it like 20 minutes ago. Who put this show together? Mr. Short Term Memory?
Commercial Break. Only Taco Bell is giving away the new Playstation Vita. They're breaking them up and putting them in the burritos.
Earlier tonight, the General Managers argued with each other. It was very exciting.
Hey Miz! You keep things nice and tidy in our Clubhouse?
Shut up, Drew! I keep telling you! I'm not with you guys! I'm not in your stupid Doghouse Club.
Whatever, man. Keep telling yourself that. You should come over next week, Evan Bourne is making a casserole.
Big Show arrives just after Miz does. But before the two can do whatever they planned on doing, Cody Rhodes shows up to take his turn with the big TV. Everyone, look what Cody made on his Ipad. It's a video featuring one of Big Show's Most Embarrassing WrestleMania Moments. There were many of them because, as you know, Big Show's a big doof. That's how WWE chose to use a gigantic intimidating wrestler for the better part of a decade. They made him a doof. And now we're all laughing about it. Who are we laughing at, WWE? Who? I ask. Si. Es tu!
This week's clip showcases the Showster's WrestleMania 18 appearance. He wasn't on the card. He was eating…at the WWE restaurant in New York. That's right, Biggie wasn't booked and Dennis Stamped himself over to Times Square to rile up the live crowd there. To be honest, this video had potential when Cody first revealed what it was. But as it played out, it wasn't funny. It was just sort of like, "OK. He's at a restaurant in 2002 asking people how they are doing. Why did I watch that?" I think one of the production guys bet the other production guys that he could get them to use stock footage of Big Show visiting the restaurant from ten years ago on a live edition of Raw. That guy won tonight. That guy won.
4. Big Show pinned Miz after a face punch
Miz uses the pointless WrestleMania moment to attack the Giant. Even though he gained an upper hand for a few seconds, Mike's night went from awesome to awful quick. A spear and a punch of mass destruction spell the end of his evening in record time. I hope he likes Evan's casserole.
Commercial Break. In the new Snickers Commercial, a guy turns into Joe Pesci and only changes back when he eats a Snickers. This, of course, begs the question - what happens if Joe Pesci eats a Snickers? Does he turn into white light?
Another Rock video. I kid you not. Another freakin' Rock video. Argh. The worst part of it all is that I like the Rock. I enjoy seeing him, but Holy Cow is this annoying now. Keep in mind, I write this as I watch in Real Time. So this could all be leading to something. But whether it does or not, doesn't change the fact that WWE has made me sick of something that they don't want me to be sick of. Forget Boots To Asses, these videos make me want to put Screwdrivers In Ears.
Enough is enough.
Making matters worse, there's no new information in any of these things. They're just a collection of catchphrases. In a subtle way, you can't help but wonder if that's the point, though. This could just be a brilliant attempt to get Rocky over as the heel for once by overexposing him and annoying Cena's hometown crowd before the final segment. Will it work? Is that even the point? I don't know! It's a mystery! The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...
Commercial Break. I just saw an anti-Drug Public Service Announcement with a kid jumping off of buildings. I don't mean symbolically or in a suicidal way. I mean that he was the drug-free guy and they were saying that this kid was "rising above it" by jumping from building to building rather than doing drugs. Not for nothing, but I'd rather someone smoke a joint than jump off a seven story building. That's just me. I guess I'm a hippie or something. Buy me some tie-dye. Send me to hell. I have a strong anti-Jumping Off Buildings stance.
5. Kane pinned R-Truth
Things were going so well for R-Truth too. Matches like this and Miz's before show that WWE is all about what's happening at this very moment. It takes nothing for an unstoppable star to be a jobber to the stars in the blink of an eye. Truth remains one of the real sad stories from WWE because he had so much potential. I'm not sure when it all fell apart, but I don't know how easy it'll be to get it back on track as long as he's playing the good guy again. Until he goes back to his evil ways, the point is moot. The only thing that's real is Kane's chokeslam and big red pin.
The post match pyro hit and so do the opening bars to Randy Orton's theme song. The Bionic Vipersnake rushes the ring, hits the RKO, and lays lovingly over Kane's face with a microphone in hand.
"It's good to be back." - Randy Orton
Dandy Randy takes a walk and Paul Bearer's baby boy takes a nap. Watch a commercial. Buy something. Stimulate the economy, ya mook.
Commercial Break. On Friday, the film "Silent House" comes out. It's like Silent Hill, only with a House. Not sure if it's a physical House or Dr. House from TV. I hope it's Dr. House from TV, but I doubt it.
Hey John Cena. Want some cereal? I'm buying!
Down three promos to one, John Cena gets to take to the ring first and addresses the thousands…and thousands of Cena fans around the arena. But Big John isn't kidding himself. He knows why this building is jam-packed to the rafters with SRO signs going out early. Like Rikishi, you did it…for the Rock. He knows. He's seen the video. Rocky Maivia has been doing his ha-ha videos around town all day. It's everything The Rock "needs to be". As he continues to play to a more welcoming audience than he's used to, John gives them the straight talk they're waiting on.
"It's exciting but if you sift through all the infomercial yelling, and behind the sunglasses and the dramatic head whips, what's the Rock really saying? I mean, if you saw last week, I stood in this ring face to face with the Rock, told him what my problem is, told him what I was gonna do about it, but what's the Rock saying about me?" - John Cena
We get a Fruity Pebbles chant and a shot of some guy in the crowd just standing there with a big goony grin on his face. Very creepy, fan man.
JC points out some obvious points here. All The Brahma Bull does anymore is make up funny names for his reproductive organs and brags about how many women he has sex with.
"Am I fighting the Rock at WrestleMania or am I fighting the Situation from the Jersey Shore." - John Cena
John calls Dwayne's attitude a "mid-life crisis" and points out how Rocco was "shook up" last week. Very true. Cena mentions the shaking voice and says, "He's not the Rock, he's the Rainman." Nice.I'm sure someone will make him apologize to someone else for it.
At this point, I start to lose interest yet again. It's just too much Cena-Rock. We get a long drawn-out explanation of how Rocky has his Miami swagger back. But the son of Soulman wants to go face to face tonight? That's fine by Dr. Thuganomic's standards. Get out here and let's make this happen. Which Rock is here? The Great One…or the Lame One?
The music hits. The lights flash. The Rock and his strudel doodle have arrived. It's the same opening Rock greeting we've gotten all night, but now it's in person, so it's supposed to be new. It's not. As the People's Champion speaks, he points out what he sees.
"Fear. Fear that I'm taking everything away. Fear that everything you've worked hard for the last ten years, when I beat you at WrestleMania, it all goes away. I see the fear in your eyes, John. The Rock hears the fear and doubt in your words. I see right through you. You think you shook my confidence? Look at me. The Rock has never, ever, ever been more confident about anything in his life." - The Rock
The crowd responds by chanting. What do they chant? Well, combine the prolonged overdone videos all night with the Cena home crowd and you get…
"Ya'll are chanting 'Tooth Fairy', right?" - John Cena
And that they were. The screw turns and Toothy, unfazed, tells Johnny Fabulous Jr. to strip away all the nonsense and know that..
"At the Rock's core, the Rock is 6'4, 260 pounds of man that will rip your throat out. At your core, you will always be a little boy who will go down in history always as the Rock's bitch." - The Rock
WWE really likes saying "bitch" now, huh? So much for the little kiddies. Well, not so much in that the kiddies aren't watching anymore. They are. They just say "bitch" at school a lot more now.
Point said, Rock leaves and we fade to…
John Cena, who wins the segment. How? He responds to the Tooth Fairy with a statement…written on his arm. In an homage to Strudel Doodle's forearm-scrawled crib sheet last week, John does the same. We all chuckle.
But the laughing ends when the Marine informs the Scorpion King that Mania is a win only situation and "Captain Catchphrase" won't make him his bitch at WrestleMania. Instead…
"I'll be the son of bitch that makes his history by whooping the Rock's ass!" - John Cena
The Son of a Bitch hugs people at ringside as we fade to black.
All in all…Not a good show at all.
Let's get one thing straight. I don't mind talking. But when the talking doesn't accomplish anything, it's unbearable. One or two filler segments is acceptable, but over killing your top speaking attraction with numerous unneeded on-location things is just annoying. Even if it was meant to get him over as a heel, it still felt less about hating the Rock and more about hating the show.
Santino Marella shocked the world and good for him. Like I said when Daniel Bryan won the World Title, the belts don't mean much to WWE anymore. They're not even the main events on PPVs. So having an out-of-nowhere win like Marella sparks interest and doesn’t hurt the belt because they don't care about it much to begin with. Everybody plays. Everybody wins.
Lots of misses tonight. Ryder was a big miss. Truth and Miz just made people sad. And the Michaels-Hunter segment was like an unsettling appetizer for Rocky's eventual promo fetish all night. It wasn't much fun. The addition of HBK to the Taker-Hunter match also seems rather pointless and waters down a match that doesn't need so many side elements to get over. But that's the becoming the new norm around here.
Sadly, WWE has an interesting WrestleMania lined up. Now if they could just get out of their own way and stop ruining the buildup, it might be something people get really excited about. Shows like this do it no favors.
That does it for me. Be Well! Thanks for sharing my Insanity!