JG's 4/2/12 Raw Insanity: They Get Rock, They Get Brock, They Want Daniel Bryan
By James Guttman Apr 3, 2012 - 12:03 AM
Dear Vincent "Mah Main Man" McMahon,
HI! It's Dixie Carter!
↑, ↓, ↺? NM here.
OMG!Do you watch Survivor? That awful Colton had to leave the show. It happened last week, but I had it on Tivo because it runs opposite American Idol and just saw it.
Ooo!I hated that Colton! Do you watch Survivor? Did I ask that already? I'm just so excited to be writing to you.
So before WrestleMania, I had our attorney
(Mike Tenay with a fake moustache)send you over a list of things we wanted you to do in exchange for having Ric Flair at the Hall of Fame ceremony. After all, he's under contract to us but we're pretty sure you'd let us have Triple H for one of our shows, if we asked.
Can we have Triple H for one of our shows?
Anyway, we asked you to mention TNA just once during the show and the response our attorney got was to "Blow Balls." Then you laughed and said to ask you for more "silly shit after WrestleMania". So, it's after WrestleMania. Here' s the silly shit. Ha ha! You're so funny.
I totally get you!
LOL! Do you watch Survivor? I hate that Colton!
OK, so here's our list of demands. Does that sound too harsh? How about Wish List? Wish List is good. These are the things we want for you in order for us to allow Ric Flair to attend WrestleMania yesterday. If you don't meet them then we won't let him go to yesterday's Mania and then what'll you do? Huh? Exactly. We hold all the eggs of a feather in our basket, my friend.
1. Jeff Jarrett did a google search engine search and realized that we might try glopping on to something that's already popular. We were looking to change Brother Devon's name to Brother Trayvon and holding a pay per view called "Justice For Trayvon". It's the name of some sort of music album, I think. Jeff said we'd get thousands of people to come to a show if we gave it that name. The only problem is that
some lady in Florida is already trying to trademark it! We were hoping you could get around that. You know that trademark stuff. It's why we can't use the name "Mr. Kennedy" for Ken Anderson.
2. We want to use the name "Mr. Kennedy" for Ken Anderson. If not, we could also use "Mr. McMahon" or "Mr. Perfect". Give us one. If not, it's cool. We're currently in talks with Sesame Street for the rights to "Mr.
3. Can your wife get Sarah Palin to do an angle on our show? We asked her like four years ago. We were hoping she could have a match with J-Woww and take some pictures with me. I also need her to not act surprised or weirded out when I introduce her to people as my BFF.
4. Friend me on Facebook and like my pictures. They aren't all Glamour Shots with me laying on the grass in a sundress. Some of them are really cool like this one:
This is me with George Zimmerman. Jeff said he was a producer of the Justice album. I knew I just had to meet him. He was tough to find. At first, we thought we found him quick because Spike Lee Tweeted his home address. But when we got there, there was an old couple cowering the in the corner. So I had Abyss put his gun away and we left. If you go on Facebook, like this photo. Maybe leave a comment like,
WOW. U R So Hotttt!! THanks for accepting my friend request cuteeeee!!♥♥♥
5. Bob Ryder wants Hornswoggle. He wouldn't elaborate.
He just said,
"How much for zee little boy? Sell him to me, I want to make a movie.
Gotta have my baby back, baby back, baby back..." We try to give him what he wants because he's kind of scary. He looks like Sgt. Slaughter's creepy little brother.
6. You ever see those commercials for CuddleUppets? They're part blanket and part puppet. You can stay cozy in the blanket while talking to your puppet friend. Yeah. I want you to buy me like five of those.
7. When Brock Lesnar debuts, can you make him get a new tattoo that either says:
TNA Wrestling Impact Wrestling TNAImpact Wrestling
8.Can you get contact information on Colton from Survivor? We want him to work an angle with J-Woww, Sarah Palin, and this little kid who fell asleep skiing on Youtube.
AWWWW! He's so cute! The way he sleeps standing up like that makes me think of Jeff Hardy.
9. You remember the anonymous Raw General Manager gimmick you gave up on? Can we have the laptop
that you had Michael Cole read the announcements from? You're not using it and we really need new computers because we get viruses from all the porn sites Don West goes on. Real sick crap. Monkeys and ninjas in pudding and stuff. It's bizarre.
10. Can you give us the details on your secret deal with Eric Bischoff? When we hired him, he said you had an understanding to help out any wrestling company he works with. He said that if we believed him, he and you also had a bridge to sell us in New York. So, on top of the secret details, we'd also like to know specifics about this bridge. We've been looking to branch into the bridge business and this opportunity sounds too good to pass up.
If you have any further questions, please send me a letter through the mail. Address it to "My Close Personal Friend Dixie" and use stationary that would be suitable for framing.
Loveeee!♥♥♥ Dixie Carter
PS:Don’t get the alligator CuddleUppet. He seems like he'd be mean.
Our show opens with a big meeting backstage. Why? Well, John Laurinaitis is the Head Dude in Charge and he's ready to address the masses. With David "Obama Called Me Mr. Hudson Accidentally" Otunga by his side, Big John Dudd announces that his first order as new GM of Everything is to have former Team Teddy Captain Santino Marella defend the US Title in a Triple Threat Match…versus Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. The heels laugh to see such sport, but all the chuckles subside when CM Punk approaches. The Straight Edge WWE Champion lets the new boss know that, despite his stature, everyone still considers him "a toolbox". What? Tool? Box? You're a toolbox, toolbox. You ready to get tooled? Tonight you can defend the WWE Title against Mark Henry! Blam! Watch your box, bitch. We close out with the new slogan of Ace's Place: "People Power."
Raw Theme Plays. Let Bobby Brown and WWE Hall of Famer Mike Tyson sing it to you.
WrestleMania is over and now only one question remains: The f**k are you looking at? Huh? Yeah. You. Michael Cole is on probation, so you're lucky this time. But you best look the other way if you see him coming. Sitting beside him is the man who is less than seven days away from sneaking into your house with a basket and trying to fertilize everyone's eggs - Jerry Lawler. Raw comes on the heels of the best WrestleMania of 2012. Now, we follow up to set things straight with a show that gets all our d**ks in a row. What? Oh. Ducks. Get all our ducks in a row. Why did I think it was d**ks? That would be a weird saying. D**ks in a row. But that's neither here nor there. Call your parole officer, hide your eggs, and line up your junk. It's Monday. It's free. It's freakin' Raw, ya dillweed.
So…we meet again, Rock.
Scissors! How did you find me?! I thought I crushed you!
Well, I'm back. And I've brought paper with me!
Oh no! He's covering me! Noooooooo!
Fresh off of putting his boots on people's butts at the mall, The Rock has cooked himself a ride to Raw and he's here before you…a winner. The People's Champion soaks in the cheers of the crowd and Rockys his way to the ring. With the people partying like it's 1999, the Great One speaketh, yup, yup…
"Fourteen months ago - hold on. The Rock is going somewhere with this…"-
"You still got it! You still got it!"- The Audience
In a stunning case of smoke and mirrors with time, Rock talks about how much fun things have been since he returned 14 months ago. Not counting the big chunks of Rockless weeks, there still was a ton of fun to be had. We had birthday bashes, rock concerts, and 1970s style coke parties. We all loved it. But the true thing to love happened last night.
"When the Rock stood before a history making crowd of 78,000 at Sun Light Stadium. History making, record breaking crowd at Sun Light Stadium. Victorious at WrestleMania. That the Rock was able to stand here tonight lvie in front of all of you and truly say. Finally! The Rock has come back to…hoooome!"- Rock
Big pop for home. We all have homes so we relate. Well, if you're homeless, maybe not. But you probably don't watch Raw if you're homeless, so no worries.
After talking about the goosebumps on his body, the Brahma Bull thanks John Cena. The crowd, however, seems to think that "Cena sucks." Again, Rock tries to praise Cena. Again, the crowd is like, "Eh. He's kind of sucky." So Rocky keeps talking about John's toughness and gets bleeped for saying "Jesus H. Christ".
He tells John that it was an honor to face him at the biggest match of all time. Win or lose. They made history at WrestleMania. To paraphrase Rikishi, he did it for the Rock who did it for the fans.
Maivia takes a moment to thank the MILLIONS!
No, no, no Miami. Louder! The MILLIONS!
Of Rock's fans. You stood by him when he needed you. When Rock was down, you were his clown. Oh, oh, you gave him your heart. Thank you. For those who might be wondering if this is the end of our hero. Well, Rock talked to the Rock earlier and guess what Rock told the Rock to tell us…
"He guaran-damn-tees that this is only the beginning"-
Nice. Crowd's happy. The Returning Bull then goes into a thing about how he had a vision.
It was a vision he had while he was out dancing post-Mania. (JG Note: Why was he physically able to dance after wrestling John Cena in an epic showdown?) He does a dancing demonstration that brings on a fun ad-lib WWE will be apologizing to someone for tomorrow.
"Thank you for whistling. And that was a dude too. Oh, a John Cena fan. Thank you."- Rock
Apologies To Glaad - Trending Worldwide
So, what's this big mystery vision? You want to hear what it is? The crowd does. They go into a freakin' frenzy as the Hall of Famer tells them his vision to one day walk that aisle again as…
No. Imagine? That would be a Vince Russo thing, right? Imagine. Crazy.
No. He wants to be WWE Champion again. The people lose their collective minds and it looks like the son of a son of a High Chief is on the path to gold again. Good opening and definitely the way people would have wanted the post-Mania Raw to start. Well done and, without confrontations, it felt historic.
Speaking of meaning something - last month John Cena said that he had to beat the Rock or else, he "loses everything". Has John Cena shot himself in the mouth? Stay tuned.
1.U.S Champion Santino Marella defeated Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler in a Triple Threat Match
Jack Swagger is the type of wrestler that I forget all about. But when I see him, I'm reminded how good he is. I find his doofy act sort of funny and he's got both size and power. Dolph ZIggler is someone I had high hopes for in 2012, but it definitely feels like he's plateued in the opening months. While these two guys tread water, Santino has been on a - how you say?
- the rolls! Sock on hand and the United States around his waist, Marella is having one of the best runs of his career. That success carried him through tonight too. With Zig-Swag predictably turning on each, the Milan Miracle took advantage and pinned Swagger. Blow your invisible horns, suckas. SanMar is still President of the USA…or whatever it is you get when your U.S. Champion.
Following the official word, Dolph and Jack went on the attack. They chased the champion up the aisle but were held off by the Funakasurus who ate the thesaurus…Brodus Clay. Dressed less funky and more like the Alberto Del Rio days, the Granny Lover stands before the vile villains. Ziggler takes the first run at him, but Brody's headbutt swats him from mid-air down to the ramp. Blam! Then, apparently, it's time for one of Stewie Griffin's sexy parties.
The music hits. The Flash Funkettes come out to shake their booties. We all have a big dance with Marella and Cobra along for the ride. If I haven't mentioned it - I'm almost completely off this bandwagon. Last night's WrestleMania dance routine with big booty grannies was creepy and weird. Now he's basically becoming a one man Too Cool with dance shows and guest dancers. I mean, Too Cool's cool, but there were sometimes where it was Too Much. Brodus is becoming Too Much Too Cool too soon.
Tensai: (tense-eye): The act of tensing your eyes up to the point where you don't realize that the new wrestler is A-Train.
2. Lord Tensai defeated Alex Riley via refere stoppage
You can totally tell it's A-Train. I mean, I get that his body is shaved and he has new ink (including Chyna's shoulderblade tattoo on his face), but you can tell. Hell, he was a huge part of the company for years. He feuded with McMahons and stuff. Come on. At least say that A-Train went to the Orient and got all messed up on Opium or some mystic magic malt or whatnot. You don't have to say it every week. Just once. Just now. Nope. We all pretend. Well, Alex Riley doesn't pretend, I suppose. He just gets his ass kicked. On a side note, you should feel sorry for Albert. He went from being a Prince to a Lord. I think that's a demotion, right? I don't know how the caste system works. I just know that Alex Riley really wishes it was 2010 again. The match actually ended when the referee stopped it. You know why? Because A-Ry is a little girl. That's how they should have announced it.
The dumb referee stops the bout and Lord Albert beats Alex up more anyway. He spits on his own hand, locks on an Iron Claw, and breathes really heavily. No one tries to stop him. His almost non-existant manager just watches on. Welcome back, Al. I like your face doodles.
(JG Note: Green Teabagger of the Insanity Message Boards mentioned that they did, in fact, say he was a former WWE Superstar who went to Japan. My bad. I must have missed it because I was so worried about poor Alex Riley.)
Commercial Break. Apparently children run and work in the factory that makes Gummy Bears. That's what the commercial wants me to believe. That's messed up. I'm not eating Gummy Bears anymore.
Last Month: John Cena said that no one remembers second place. "That's why I need to win. That's why WrestleMania is so important. WrestleMania 28 is sink or swim. All or nothing. WrestleMania 28 is my legacy." Has John Cena tied a toaster to his face and taken a shower? Find out tonight!
Excuse me. Are you Steven Punk?
Oh. Yes. My mistake. You're the "master of the pipe bomb", right?
Ha ha, yes I am.
Well, that's what we thought. Sir, you have to come with us. You've been placed on the no-fly list.
Oh come on! It's a gimmick! It's not a shoot.
You gonna shoot me now, sir? You threatening to shoot me with a pipebomb, sir?
Beep! Charlie, this is Tom over at Gate C, I'm gonna need some backup here.
3. Mark Henry defeated WWE Champion CM Punk via countout
Mark Henry wrestles the style he does and that's that. Most matches involving Henry are interchangeable for the first few minutes. He basically beats the hell out of his opponent for a while until there's a successful comeback. It's this dominance that's usually the clear sign he won't win in the end. That said, it's always fun to watch him squash the hero as he attempts some surprise offense. His size makes it a sight and the super-hot crowd helped it every step of the way. The WWE Champion finally managed to turn the tables after what seemed like an eternity. He chopped the Silverback to the mat, climbed to the top rope, and hit the Macho Man Elbow Drop. Unfortunately, it re-aggravated the injury he suffered last night to his back. Despite the exhaustion, Steven Pipebomb still managed to nail two running knees…before being dumped over the top rope.
Ten seconds later, we have ourselves a little ol' countout. The Title remains with Punk. Makes you wonder why he didn't just go lay down on the ringside floor right after the opening bell and save himself a beatin'.
No belt? No belt?! Argh! The Incredible Mark goes apesnot over not being the new champion. So, he walks to the floor and lifts CM up like a baby. Cradled in his arms. Aww. He must be carrying him as a show of love and respect.
Oh no. It's a swerve! He wasn't lifting him up to nuzzle him! He as lifting him up to slam him…on the floor! The Straight Edge Superstar's back bounces off the mats and the World's Strongest Man goes off to take the World's Strongest Shower.
As your WWE Champion lays half-dead on the ground, John Laurinitus and his "friend" David Otunga show up. John tells the Punkasauraus that he's going to have to better than that. People Power means having a champ that defends on a consistent basis. So that's what we'll do. Then, for the third time, the segment doesn't end when you think it will. This time it's…
Chris Jericho's voice. From somewhere in the atmosphere, Jericho mocks the loss suffered by Punk. When the camera pulls back, we see Y2J at the announce table wearing a light-up Andrew Dice Clay jacket.
"Is that the man that beat me at WrestleMania last night? Well I think it is. But you know what, Punk? It was a classic match and I think you and I, as gentlemen, deserve to celebrate with a drink."- Chris Jericho
After fetching a bottle of "booze", Moongoose McQueen tells the Straight Edger that tonight will be his first taste of alcohol. And with that, Jericho commits the ultimate party foul and dumps the contents the liquor-like substance all over the non-drinker's face and torso. He follows up with some punches and kicks before getting -
yup - another bottle.
Getting ripped on hooch is a fun hobby, Punky. But now that Chris has given you a taste, you'll want more and more. It'll be so hard for you to avoid the pitfalls your father and sister hit. But you have to remember the thing about drinking.
"It all goes to your head."- Chris Jericho
Crash. Bottle broken on the head. Sorry 'bout your damn luck.
I'm sure it was ice tea or something. Regardless, though, somewhere right now Daniel Bryan is realizing he's going to have a rotisserie chicken stuck in his mouth at some point before they ever let him leave.
Commercial Break. Say what you want about our overconsumption and obsession with consuming and all that, but any society that manages to create a Doritos shelled taco is doing something right.
Sheamus made Chris Jericho fans cry at the Royal Rumble. He made Daniel Bryan fans cry last night. Does Alberto Del Rio have any fans? Let's hope not.
The New World Champion's first sentence of the first promo of his first World Heavyweight Championship run is interrupted by Roddy the Rod and Alberto. The winners of the past two Royal Rumbles face off and Alby lays it all on the line. You are looking a the new challenger for your title, Ginger Brogue Man. This challenger does not hide "behind a chica".
The Champion is cool with that, Desi Arnez. You can bring it on and get kicked in the face. That's cool, feller. Of course it's cool with Del Rio too. In fact, it's so cool that he already has a match booked for the World Title…this Friday…against you…on Smackdown! And furthermore….
That's when we hit some technical difficulties. The microphone cuts out and ADR looks for a replacement. Bert spins around and gets hit in the face with a big Irish boot. Segment ends with the Mexican Blueblood holding his face in pain.
OK. Side note. One major thing that changes this segment was the loud and overpowering chants for "We Want Bryan". I mean like super loud. Alberto just talked through them, but you knew it was driving him nuts. When it ended and there was no Daniel Bryan it made it even worse. There was even some scattered boos for Sheamus. The message was basically this:
But then, when things were over, we saw young Daniel Bryan watching backstage. With AJ by his side, the American Dragon waltzes up to Josh Matthews and, rather than answer his dumb 18 second WrestleMania loss question, just glares. It's awkward so Josh just ends it. Someone give that man a rotisserie chicken!
Sonic has "Jumbo Popcorn Chicken". Uh, isn't that just a round chicken nugget?
4. Kofi Kingston pinned Cody Rhodes
You know what we learned during this match? Michael Cole is following WWE's "Social" portion of their website during the show. He mentions all the "chatter" about John Cena. Sink that in. He's doing commentary and surfing their website at the same time. No wonder he sucks at this. He's multitasking. Speaking of multitasking, Cody Rhodes is doing that too. Not only is he fighting the guy with the theme music that gets my toes a tappin', but he's also dealing with a new Intercontinental Giant who still harbors bad feelings from the WrestleMania Road. Without warning, Big Show's music hit and the big man came to play.
If you don't know what's coming next, you haven't been paying attention. It's video time. It's time to relive a moment that Big Show will have in his WrestleMania Resume forever. It's last night when he dealt Grody Cody his "Most Embarassing WrestleMania Moment". Watch the tape and laugh! Ha! Bitch!
As we've learned through the years, bad guys can't watch videos and watch their ass at the same time. The moment the clip ended, Codedust turned into a Trouble in Paradise kick and suffered an embarrassing Post-WrestleMania moment as Kingston pinned him.
Last Monday, Cena said he can't lose. He has to win and the fans know it. Has John Cena drank a bottle of Liquid Plumber? Find out tonight!
Commercial Break. Rock is in the new GI Joe movie. He plays The Rock and torments GI Joe relentlessly before beating him in the final scene.
Somewhere Tony Atlas is laughing his ass off because Abraham Washington is in the house. AW, as Mark Henry calls him, approaches the World's Strongest Man backstage. He tries to be all slick and proceeds to mess up the best line from Rocky V.
"It's time we put some muscle with that hustle."- Abraham Washington
That doesn't even make sense. It's the other way around. George Washington Duke would be ashamed, Abe. The managerial wannabe leaves his card with Sexual Chocolate. Call him when you're down, Mark. Call him when you need someone. Call me when it's rough and you think that there is no one…
Back at the Old King Cole Table, we recap WrestleMania and talk about how Eve kicked the last of Zack Ryder's momentum in the balls.
This brings out the woman herself. Evil Eve gives another poorly acted promo explaining how she, once again, manipulated Zack Ryder. She did it to help Johnny Ace and it felt terrific. Then she talks about the benefits of string theory versus M theory and how our understanding of subatomic quantum physics is still evolving each day to the point of rendering any data collected even mere months ago to be moot. Then she makes finger puppets out of stale bread and we go to commercial. It was very riveting.
5. The Miz pinned Zack Ryder
So let me see if I got this straight. Eve just came out here to laugh about how she tooled him like a dingleberry. The whole time, he was right behind the curtain and didn't come out. Wow. What a douche. While this is being digested, Jerry Lawler informs us that John Cena (who has not committed suicide…yet) has just arrived at the building. Why he's getting to work at 10:48pm EST is anyone's guess. You'd think they'd be worried about hyping his show closing moment if he's not even there yet, right? Silly. Even sillier is that Michael Cole spends the match openly cackling at how little game Zack Ryder has. He points out every valid point stemming from the Eve debacle and has a good guffaw at Ryder's expense. It was all good though. In the end, Zacky won and all was set right. Ha! Day After April Fools! He lost. What you think? Didn't you read the bold thing at the start of this paragraph?
John Cena! Backstage! Sleeping pills? Noose? Pop Rocks and Cola? Find out after the break!
WWE is giving away tickets to WrestleMania 29. They say "Void Where Prohibited". What type of awful place would prohibit people from winning tickets to WrestleMania? It's a sick world we live in.
You can't see him and his time is now, even though he's a loser now. Fresh off of getting pinned at Mania, John Cena is still alive and in the house. Clad in his green hate rising garb, the Mighty J.C. speaks for the first time since his epic fail.
"I never thought of losing. But now that it's happened, the only thing to do is do it right. That is the obligation to those that believe in me. We all take defeats in life. Those are famous words from the great Muhammad Ali. Now tonight you guys have seen various clips of various things I've said on this road to WrestleMania. And I'll be honest, I've talked. Ive talked a lot. I've talked so much that anybody else in my shoes would be making excuses, backtracking, saying that it wasn't their fault."- John Cena
Nice, man. Can't you lay off Snitsky? He's not even there anymore!
"That will never be me. I meant every single thing that I said."- John Cena
The crowd boos because we're all a bunch of a-moral heathens. Throughout Cena's whole mea culpa, they jeer him. He takes the responsibility of his words and reminds us that a "true champion retains the will to win even during their most disappointing loss."
But the big question is reaction. How will Johnny Boy react tonight? Will he make excuses? Will he lash out? Will this be the day that he finally lashes out at the WWE Universe?
The crowd votes for the third option. But…
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that will not happen."-
Remember when he used to get split reactions? Now he's just gets treated like OJ Simpson.
Dr. Thuggypants thanks his friends, family, Machinegun Kelly (the kid everyone made Meth jokes about on Twitter during his singing of Cena's WM entrance), and others. Then he corrects a misconception. He's not calling out the Rock for a fight. He's calling out the Rock for - you guessed it - a sexy party. Well, not a sexy party, per se. More like a meeting of the minds. After a tough year back and forth and vicious chants from a hostile crowd, the Hustle Loyalty Respecter admits that he came up short at the big match. He's even humble enough to acknowledge the Daniel Bryan chants that are drowning him out.
.It gets pretty weird. Rock, the paper and scissors are gone. You just need to come out and get some of Cena's loving arms. Just bring it. And you'll get Taco Flavored Kisses.
Cue Brock Lesnar.
And with that - we have just lost cabin pressure.
"The Big Thing About Five Things Ago" Brock Lesnar is back and people have gone insane. Face to face with his arch nemesis of 2004, Brocktune does his entranceway schtick and the whole thing is very surreal. Cena, completing his role of doof, claps for Lesnar as he steps in the ring.
He didn't say a damn thing. He just picked up John Cena and hit the F5. Done.
Cena is having the worst week ever. The Ultimate Fighter stands over his humiliated welcome wagon as we fade to black.
All in all…Great.
This was a historic Raw. If this was 1993, I'd be taking the video tape of Raw, popping out the tab so I couldn't record over it, labeling the tape, and saving it until 2008, when I finally threw them out because Youtube makes them pointless.
The Rock's official return announcement? Brock's big comeback?
It was all there in one show and done fairly well.
There weren't too many moments that were painful and even Johnny Ace was kept down to a dull roar - pun intended.
I don’t know if the live crowd gets it but WWE doesn't like crap like chanting your love for heels who aren't in segments that are currently happening. It doesn't really help Daniel Bryan to use his name to ruin big moments between Cena, Rock, Del Rio, and Sheamus. Or haven’t you met Mr. Ryder?
Liked the show.
You should have too. If you don't enjoy these shows at least a little around WrestleMania time (and especially tonight) then you're not going to be happy with much of what this company does moving forward.
In the context of today's wrestling, tonight's show was one of the best you'll get.
Not every moment was off-the-charts.
Some, like Eve, were even bad. But overall, this was one to remember.
That does it for me.
Be well and thanks for sharing my Insanity!