JG's 7/25 Raw Insanity: And a Hunter Shall Lead Them
By James Guttman Jul 25, 2011 - 11:48 PM
Last week, after
CM Punk won the WWE Title on his final appearance with the wrestling promotion, we at TMZ caught up with the star partying in Chicago with his new title. Many asked us why we were covering a wrestler partying. The short answer is that there's only so many times we can track people like Danny Bonaduce down outside of a Sizzler and ask him to comment about Amy Winehouse or goad Brad Garrett into attacking us with an umbrella.
Also, we're sort of hoping to get someone dying or killing their family on film.
WWE Creator Vince McMahon was recently "fired" from his company, we followed the former boss around during his first week of retirement hoping to catch him doing things like tanning with no shirt on or banging the Tiger Woods mistress. What we found was, well, much more shocking.
Seems that the now unemployed owner has been up to a lot and he's been influencing the world much more than anyone realizes - except maybe him, which explains the God complex. Our cameras first caught Mr. McMahon at a live taping of Charlie Sheen's webcast, Sheen's Korner...
The boss stayed for a while during Sheen's show and tried to get the word out about his new catch phrase - "Assing". He said it was like "winning" only it was when his ass wins, whatever that means. He then introduced us to "Tiger Ass" and "Trolls Ass." People were concerned that the boss may have a problem with drugs after his insane webcam appearance, but we were assured that he was always like this.
But we were also assured he was always on drugs. So, we're not really sure what to go with here.
Sheen was such an inspiration to the former chairman that he immediately debuted his own podcast...
Entitled "V's True Connecticut Story", the boss spiked his hair and called out to his "little McMaxis". He then shut off the camera and told our photographer that he wishes he had a wrestler on the roster with a gimmick like that. We told him that Zack Ryder had been doing the same thing for months. In fact, McMahon was wearing Zack's "Broski" headband during the video. Vince laughed and said that Ryder was no longer with WWE. We asked him when Zack was let go.
The former boss smiled, took out his Blackberry, pressed about 20 keys, and said, "Just now."
He then laughed for - no exaggeration - an hour. Seriously. We timed him. We thought we were going to have to call the paramedics. The laughter ended as suddenly as it began as Vince violently smashed his head into a glass-enclosed emergency fire extinguisher and spit on the ground. We thought he had suffered some sort of severe mental illness outbreak, but we were assured that he's always like this.
...and also severely mentally ill. But, you saw that one coming.
After that, McMahon took us all to a party. Who's? Her's...
Yes. Casey Anthony. Her welcome home party was in full swing and we were forced to attend. Vince made us promise not to tell that she was in Raleigh, North Carolina. We agreed.
The festivities were actually quite enjoyable until Antony accidentally spilled her wine on the former chairman's suit. Irate, McMahon began screaming,
"Look at this! Look at my suit! Look what you did! Damnit, Casey Anthony,
this is the worst thing you've ever done!"
He then punched her in the face, threw both arms in the air, and screamed out "Assing!"
Quickly we were whisked away for a meeting with two people McMahon told us he had only spoken with by phone...
Meeting up with Rupert Murdoch and former News of the World Editor Rebekah Brooks was great except when our photographer asked Rebekah if she was "that dude from the movie Mask".
That didn't go over well. The party quickly ended and we had to leave before they even served us pie by throwing it at Rupert's face.
Once the partying was done, McMahon said he had important business to attend to. First he made us take him to Target and buy him a giant lollipop. After that, we stopped at the debt ceiling negotiations between President Barack Obama, Speaker John Boehner, and various members of the federal government. It didn't go too well...
The grotesque display forced Boehner to walk out twice. Later in an interview, he described the talks as
"trying to negotiate while a bowl of Jell-O wiggled in your face."
Despite this epic failure, McMahon insisted that his "pants-off dance-off" approach to negotiations was best. So he took the same approach with him to the NFL Player's Union.
Son of a bitch. They finally agreed to make a deal if we got him out of there. So we did. You're welcome. We thought we'd have to call the paramedics to get the XFL football out that McMahon wedged in his butt to, as he said, "make a point" (we were never told what that point was). But we were assured that he does stuff like that all the time. According to his close friends, Vince currently has four footballs, nine packets of Equal, a Nintendo 64, and Max Mini up there.
But, it could be the last image that shocked us the most.
It's a story that just broke and already we know why. The breakup of Jenifer Lopez and Marc Anthony sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry. Many wondered what had happened to cause such a riff between the American Idol judge and former South Park Star, Lopez, and exhausted-looking pixie, Anthony. Now, the truth can be told. Infedelity.
We followed McMahon to L.A.
We followed him to an undisclosed location.
The footage we caught next told the whole story...
Yikes. That was it. We were done. McMahon promised to "do some real crazy shit" if we stayed with him. We asked him what that meant exactly. He answered that he couldn't be specific, but promised "one of us would be dead before the clock struck twelve." So, we ran like crazy.
Chuck wasn't so lucky. Vince caught him.
And ate him.
We thought this was bizarre but were assured that...ah forget it.
Are you people ready for Family Game Night? Because it's on like Donkey Kong. What's Donkey Kong on, you ask? Heroin. Yeah. Heroin. It's a shame. Everyone's really worried about him. So...yeah.
Heroin. Hmm. Sorry to start on such a downer.
Sigh. OK. Let's move on to happier things like Michael Cole and his now boxless seat next to Jerry Lawler. The former friends turned enemies turned sort of friends are ready for another night of WWE action so hot you'll want to take a picture of your car's temperature reading and post it on Facebook. Why not? That's what a billion people did on Wednesday. I hate to be judgmental, but folks are kinda wussy nowadays. What you got? 100? 105? Look at the pic I took in my car...
Yeah. I hate to be "that guy" but screw you. I win.
You know who else won? CM Punk. Not only did he win his match with John Cena, but he got to take the See and Say WWE Title with him when he left WWE. The departure cost the company its championship and cost Vince McMahon his job - but luckily not his pink Hart Foundation 1987 Slammy Awards sports jacket. His departure was the perfect size for his son -in-law to step in and now Triple H is our new Charles in Charge
. You think you can tell us what to do? You think you can tell us what to wear? Uh, yeah. He's the guy who does the telling now. Feel old? Me too. The DeGenerate is running the asylum, kids. Terra's ryzin over Raw and it's about to jump awf...
Before anything, though, it's title time. Yup. WWE Title match first. If that doesn't tell you that the story won't end there, then you haven't been paying attention.
1. Rey Mysterio pinned The Miz to become the new WWE Champion
Good news. Michael Cole is still crushing on Miz like a 12 year old homeschooled girl at a Nick Jonas autograph session. So, that's still there. The banter between he and Jerry Lawler has softened to the point of awkwardness. They disagree here and there - as they did here...and there - but it's all "gawly gee" like. What a waste of a year that whole Cole thing ended up being, huh? All this effort, buildup, and character development, just so he can become John Coachman. We needed another Coachman? I thought we were looking for a new J.R.
At one point, Cole actually calls Rey Mysterio "the biggest little man in WWE history." Yeah. So now, he's the company's tallest midget. Sorry, Super Porky, You've been bumped to #2. Mysterio got the booyakah kicked out of him for most of the bout. It sent tingles down Cole's leg as Mike Mizanin edged closer and closer to the disputed championship.
The crowd didn't agree. When Raymond regained control or kicked out of sure-fire pin attempts, they popped each time. Whether a sick DDT or a boot to the snout, no move could keep the 619er down. When he finally hit a splash from the top rope, it was all over. We get a three count and a new WWE Champion in Rey Mysterio Jr.. Remember when Sin Cara was supposed to be the new Rey? Me neither. The new WWE Champion celebrates.
But he also gets beaten up by Miz. Not a member of the "Good Sport Club", the Real Worlder puts the boots to his mini-defeater. Normally, they say it's "all over but the shouting."
But in this case, it's "all over but the Mexican drug lord music."
Holy shit! Alberto Del Rio!
Dude, we're at Taco Bell. We go through this all the time. That guy just works here.
Oh. I thought he was...HEY! Alberto Del Rio!
No, man. He works here too. You're racist.
Oh, I thought that...hey, is that Alberto Del Rio?
For the last time, that person works here!
It's not Alberto Del Rio! Are you blind?!
It's Juventud Guerrera.
Alberto Del Rio brings his Money in The Bankcase with him and we're going to get a cash in. Alby put his Deniro on the announce table and prepares to enter the ring. However, seeing this, Rey jumps back to life and sends Del Rio flying with a kick to the face. Seeing the error of his ways, Dos Caras grabs back his red action figure holder case and high-tails it over the rainbow. No bell. No cash in. No match. ADR keeps his money in the bank and Rey Rey keeps his fake WWE title. Everyone is happy.
Well, except Sin Cara.
Commercial Break. Rise Of The Planet of The Apes looks pretty amazing. What really sucks is that it looks so good that if we're ever really attacked by genetically altered apes, it'll be a letdown in comparison. People will be shaking their heads going,
"You know, the movie made me think this would be cooler to see than it really is."
Before the break, Rey Mysterio won the WWE Title. Then he jumped and ate a cat. What? Didn't you see the picture?
Following his win, Rey walked back through the curtain with his belt and everyone cheered - including Zack Ryder. So there. He's on TV. WWE should make him a t-shirt to wear on Raw that says,
"There! He's on TV!" That would be awesome. Mysterio speaks out to his family watching at home and says happy things about his new reign. Then, everyone in the room spits at him. Or maybe they spray champagne. You couldn't tell really, but I'd imagine it was champagne. Why would they spit at him? That makes no sense. Come on, silly.
Last week, Vince McMahon was fired as WWE owner. He immediately got an automated message that's sent to every released WWE star offering him a tryout with TNA, as long as he pays his own travel, lodging, food, and entrance fee to the arena. McMahon was excited about it at first because, as he said, he "wanted to touch boobies." Then someone explained that he was thinking of the T
SA. Then he cried.
Commercial Break. Hey Smurfs - what the hell?! Come on. I can understand Alvin and the Chipmunks and Fat Albert, but you too?! COME ON!
I am Perfection!
No way! I loved that game!
Pop goes perfection!
And his opponent...
Evan Bourne Untrue Fact:As a child, Evan appeared in the film "Jerry McGuire" under the screen name Jonathan Lipnicki.
2. WWE U.S. Champion Dolph Ziggler defeated Evan Bourne via sleeperhold
During the match, both Lawler and Cole gives us background on Evan Bourne and speak about how terrific he is. It's all very strange and forced. They sounded like video game announcers as they waxed philosophic about things like mailboxes, fan mail, and how Obama is going to get rid of mail service. With all this chit chat, you don't really notice that this Evan Bourne fella they're both all gushy over just got his arse kicked. Ziggy hits the Ziggidy Zag, locks on his patented Good Night Irene sleeper and retains his U.S. Title. He takes it home to put next to his 1st place ribbon from his local radio station's Billy Idol Lookalike Contest.
Earlier tonight, the Bella Twins and Eve got into a shouting contest but Keystone Light Beer's trashy stereotype spokes-character shows up and gives one of the Bella twins a full arm tattoo. He uses a marker so Eve can tell them apart.
You know, hate's a strong word. So I'll just say I hate hate hate hate hate segments like this.
3. Kelly Kelly and Eve defeated Melina and Maryse when Kelly pinned Melina
Hunter Hearst Head Honcho is up next and Cole and Lawler continue the political messages of the night by promising it won't be a "boring" political speech. I can't imagine any boring political speech can get less of a reaction than this match did. It got so bad that Maryse had to practically stick Eve's face up her butt Rikishi-style in order to get a reaction. They popped a bit for Kelly Kelly. Melina responded by violently kicking her. Things appeared to get a bit stiff and Double K landed a pretty brutal looking Fame-asser Rocker Dropper for the victory.
Eve and Kelly reign surpreme. Good for them, we know how important wins and losses are in the Diva division.
Backstage, Triple H is listening as R-Truth speaks. We hear nothing because there's no audio. Just Jerry and Michael spouting off promises. Like what? Like a big return announced next.
I hope it's Mantuar. Yeah. I friggin' miss Mantaur.
Commercial Break. Cops who eat Twix bars suddenly start to sing 80s love songs to each other and play air drums. I wasn't aware they were putting mushrooms in Twix bars now.
Cee Lo Green and his little arms are coming to SummerSlam.
Can you believe it, Hunter? Our little girl is five years old.
Yeah, Steph. It's amazing. This party is great. Say, that's the clown we hired, right? When do I get to pin him?
Pin him. When can I pin him?
Now you're just being silly.
Why? What's so silly?
Oh come on. You're being serious?
Yes, Steph! When can I pin him?!
The clown's a woman, Hunter! It's a HER. You say, "When do I get to pin
HER"? Not "him".
Oh. OK. When do I get to pin
After the cake. It's in her contract.
The new boss Triple H is here and he's wearing a suit. Fortunately, he didn't do the stupid thing he did with the denim where he tears the sleeves off and wears it over a leather jacket. Before he addresses his new reign of terror power, he has to first give props to the old one.
"I'd like to acknowledge why there are tens of thousands of people in this arena and millions more watching as we speak around the world. And quite frankly, it is due to one man's vision. It is due to one man's pure business sense and for that, I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart - thank you, Vince."- Triple H
"You're welcome."- Vince Russo
"Not you." -
"Oh. Darn."- Vince Russo
The piece of business we're here to discuss, though, isn't Vince McMahon, Russo, or Vaughn. Helmsley wants to talk about WWE Title matches. We had one tonight already. Now we're having another one. For some insane reason, Rey Mysterio agreed and the man he's facing off against later tonight is the same star who was screwed out of his rightful rematch against CM Punk...John Cena!
Jerry Lawler says he "never expected anything like this". Wow. Really, Jerry?
"I like this. This is fun."- Triple H
Hunter points out that he knows the score. Everywhere he goes, the WWE Universe asks for the return of one man and one man only. That man? Yup. You guessed it. Now put your hands together for...
J.R. Punk hits the aisle way and all Michael Cole can do is bury his beatnik face in his hands. Ross enters the ring, shakes the Game's hand, and heads to his spot at ringside. Lawler's happy, though. Sadly, Michael is not. He shakes his head in frustration and turns his back when Ross offers his hand to him in friendship. In all fairness, it probably had Chipotle Ketchup all over it. Enraged, Old Mike Cole climbs the table and takes a mic.
"You talk about the future of the WWE. The future? This man's the walking dead. "-
I love that show! For that reason alone, we should bring him back.
Michael Cole is livid. Livid! He points out all the demeaning things he did for his job at WWE. The only thing he won't do is work alongside the "one faced Oklahamoa redneck ". He then shoots on Rossy's "belly up" restaurants.
"What did you do? Did you eat all the profits?"- Michael Cole
After getting slowly crazier with each passing word, Mike simply refuses to sit next to Jay-R. No go, Cerebral Executive. It's not happening.
"Listen Cole, I had a feeling you were going to be upset about this which is why my first inclination was to fire you and bring J.R. back."
The reason why not? Cole has a huge severance package (JG Note: That's what she said.) Hunt stumbles over his lines as he explains that he's giving M.C. the night off. He's not fired. But if he quits, he's going to be in breach of contract. So, there it is. Now you have until Friday Night Smackdown to decide. Either you're at the Next Smackdownicus or you're against us.
That's when M-Co reels his vitriol back in. Rather than Punk out of a job, he instead opts to sit back down and not quit. He's then
told that while the gesture is appreciated, he shouldn't get too comfy because, well...
"If you sit back down, you're probably going to be late for your match." - Triple H
The Coleminer laughs at the idea of a bout. He's retired! Mikey isn't wrestling! He has no gear. What's he supposed to do? Wrestle naked? What is this? You a freak? Huh? Freak. Want to see Michael Cole all naked. Ya freaky freak. Hold up, Hunter thought that all out. So he arranged for a wrestling costume in your size. Now head to the back. Someone else is scheduled to interrupt right...about...now.
"Ain't this a blip? Ain't this a blip? Ain't this a blip?"- R-Truth
R-Truth shows up and he's blipping over this new situation. Ding Dong The Vince Is Dead and the man who takes his place is the head conspirator. Talking to invisible people as he goes, Ronnie explains that he sees a new light on the horizon with Mr. H in charge. He gets into the ring K-Quickly and tells his new employer that his only wonder is what Trippy can do for him. I mean, sheet, Beardo, Ron was screwed out of his Captial Punishment title match. So whatcha gonna do, Hunter, when the largest conspiracy in the world can be settled by you?
Mr. McMahon-Helmsley mocks Truthy's imaginary friends and it doesn't go over to well with the former ClubWWI.com guest. The humor is lost on Killings. Instead, he thinks that Gamy is really crazy and that leaves him with one parting thought before walking off...
"You may be the Game, but I ain't playing."- R-Truth
Oh, hey, ReTweet, one more thing before you go. Jean Paul Levesque signed one more person to a contract. That person is about to come out of the curtain and face you. Well, if Melina tells him it's okay.
Yup. John Morrison. No explanation as to why Triple H has to resign a guy who never left the company and was simply injured. Now he has two WWE contracts. Guess he's got a really good agent. The Nitro Boy beats the Truth out of R until he runs off like a thief in the nightgown. Our new old announce team tell me to stick around. The Destruction of Michael Cole is next.
Commercial Break. Cowboys and Indians. Who would win? Depends on if they're playing football or baseball.
Triple H's music hits and what follows is, well, I don't know what to say. It's Michael Cole in Triple H's wrestling outfit. He walks like he has a stick in his butt and drinks from a bottle of water. It was a really scary sight. We make fun of wrestlers, but it puts things in perspective when you see a doughy regular dude dressing like one of them.
Makes you realize how much work these guys have to put in so they don't end up looking ridiculous.
His opponent? Yup. HHHYKI
4. Zack Ryder pinned Michael Cole after the Rough Ryder
Nothing to really report. The match was like five seconds long. The ring announcer should have announced it as a special
"Throw The Internet a Friggin' Bone Match!" The worst part was that the match was basically one move - and it didn't look that impressive.
Up next: Alvin and The Rios vs. Malcolm Jamal Warner.
Commercial Break. 5 Hour Energy fixes tired. Yeah. But in the 6th hour, your eyeballs fall out. They don't tell you that on the bottle.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston is up next. Before the matchup, Al gets his personal intro by Ricardo Rodriguez. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for Rod to explain to friends and family who don't watch wrestling what exactly it is he does.
I was telling your cousin Marv about your job, but he doesn't understand. You're a wrestler?
No. I'm a ring announcer.
Oh. You're the ring announcer?
No. I'm a ring announcer. Just for one guy.
You said you work for WWE.
But you said you work just for one guy. What exactly do you do?!
I'm a wrestler. Just leave me alone.
5. Alberto Del Rio defeated Kofi Kingston via submission
Kofi Kingston is the most underrated guy in WWE. Bar none. He's unique and has a distinct in-ring style. On top of that, he hasn't been put into any truly ridiculous storylines. Aside from his Randy Orton car-smashing incident, he hasn't had any memorable feuds so when they finally advance him up the ladder, he'll have the allure of a fresh face with the name recognition of a long time star. The two exchanged offense throughout the bout but Kingston was selling an arm injury throughout. It appeared to have been overcome, until Kofi went for his Thunder in Paradise...or whatever. The move was less Hulk Hogan and more Chris Lemmon as he missed and was hit with a jumping arm breaker. After a few near falls by both men, Bert finally locked on his crossarmbar and scored the victory. Al B. Victorious and I'm sad because I like hearing Kofi Kingston's theme song. It makes me bop around and slap myself five. Boo.
Commercial Break. WWE has a new DVD called "The Greatest Superstars of the 21st Century". It's a 3 disc set. Each disc is named "H".
Josh Matthews catches up with Miz backstage and questions him about his loss earlier tonight. Mike tells him to shut his trap. He gives John Cena's title match the "really" treatment and points out that Cena started this whole thing by losing to "he whose name we shall not mention." (Benoit?) That cost Mr. McMahon his job and gave it to Triple H. Hunter, rather than doing things smart, brings back Loser Jim Ross and gives the WWE Title to a mini-man in a mini-mask. It makes Mizter Awesome all sad inside. He rants a bit more before running off to Tweet about his emotions.
It's Title time, people.
And his opponent...
Boo! You suck, John Cena! You f**kin' SUCK! BOOO!
Oh come on, mom. I just asked you to pass the potatoes. I'm gonna stop coming by to visit if you keep this up.
6. John Cena pinned Rey Mysterio to win the WWE Title
This match was interesting in that these are two guys who have been babyfaces forever. So seeing them wrestle each other is rare. That said, the real intrigue was on the outcome and, as we inch closer to the end of the show, people start to get antsy for a finish. Each finish attempt and big move is met with anticipation. From Rey's springboards to John's STF tries, you kept waiting for the end. Things really popped when Cena caught the new Champion's 619 attempt and slammed him to the mat. They then exchanged some off-the-rope shots and referee Charles Robinson began to make the ten count until one man can get to his feet. Because, you know, a pro wrestling match has ended that way maybe four times in the history of the world. Although Dr. Thuganomics shuffles his knuckles across Mysterio's mask, it can't keep him down. The biggest little man in WWE history fights back and locks in his own STF. People cheered for it, but, to be honest, I think it sort of looked ridiculous because of the size difference. Johnny C must have felt the same way because he powered out and saved himself from embarrassment. Things kept building and suddenly - out of nowhere - the match had become pretty awesome. Great back and forth and solid timing by both guys served to heighten crowd response and build to a huge ending. It was Rey's third attempt at a 619 (JG Note: 3,619?) that was his downfall. The Marine caught him running in, nailed him with the F-U Adjustment, and once again became WWE "Champion". You know, just like he was before he let everybody down and humiliated the company. Congratulations, jerkface.
Suddenly, the song "Cult of Personality" played out and a confused John wonders why they're not playing Alberto Del Rio's music. Know why?
Because it's CM Punk's music.
The epic angle appears to be over as the former current maybe WWE Champion CM Punk walks the aisle, title wrapped around his waist, and confronts the pretender in jean shorts. Little John John raises his title high...
...but Punk raises his higher.
Suddenly, the whole CM Punk storyline isn't as exciting as it was 30 seconds ago. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Fade to black.
All in all...Well, uh. That unique storyline was fun while it lasted.
What a terrible way to bring CM Punk back to TV. After spending the whole show playing up how we can't mention his name, they just have him walk back out again. When you think of all the ways they could have had him emerge rather than just walking out following Cena's win, it makes your head spin.
Part of this angle's allure was how long they could stretch it out. It gave people the impression that perhaps - no matter how small the chance - this thing was all real. If Punk had stayed completely out of WWE until Survivor Series or beyond, how much stronger would the out-of-nowhere return be? Keep the belt on John until then and then have his bout with the "real champion" mean much more.
Even if Punk's character isn't truly "back", it still kills the aura that this storyline had simply by having him show up. The realism is gone. The fact that he shows up - complete with music and TitanTron - lets the casual fan know that it's all hooey. Punk, Hunter, Cena - they all work together again.
Other than that, we had Triple H playing Triple H.
Nothing more. Nothing less. He did the things I expected him to do and made the jokes I expected him to make. His treatment of Michael Cole solidified his (at least current) role as babyface boss.
When it comes to the two Internet Love-Me bones Trippy threw, I'm not really into either. Not for nothing, but the whole Come Back Jim Ross thing is so overdone. We've been battling to either keep J.R. or find a new one for over a decade. Having him back is great, but it doesn't make as big of a difference as you'd expect and you get the feeling he'll just be gone again soon anyway. We've been playing this game forever.
As for Zack Ryder, if he doesn't get a push out of the CM Punk Internet direction they're taking now, he never will. I worry that Zack's gimmick will become someone who's not on Raw - so WWE acts accordingly. Two gimmicks you don't want to have in WWE - Losing Streak Guy and Guy Who's Never On TV.
The night was historic for the two title wins and all that jazz, but the Punky finish sort of soured things for me. You didn't need to close the show with him. John Cena as the new Champion was enough. There were better ways to bring CM back and better times to do it.
That does it for me, guys. Thanks for reading. It was great to do one of these again. In the meantime, check out all the latest content on ClubWWI.com - featuring hundreds of top wrestling stars in uncut shoots and thousands of hours of wrestling audio - all available the moment you sign up. Be Well! Thanks for Sharing My Insanity.