So you’ve heard right. It’s the
ten year anniversary of our site and with it, I present the first new Raw
Insanity in over three years. I bet some of you are thinking that ten years
doesn’t seem that long ago. Well it is. Proof? This line appeared in an edition
of JG’s Raw Insanity from April 2005:
“Chris Benoit's new gimmick is
that he bleeds a lot. He's always bleeding. It's always from some freak
accident too. He should bring buckets of his blood to the ring and throw it at
Yeah. Maybe not. As I was saying – long
time. Now let’s get to the Raw.
WWE Now, Then, Forever
Video Package starts our show.
"Now" refers to the current generation of superstars. "Then"
refers to the legends that paved the way for them. "Forever" refers to how long
these shows feel.
Last week on Raw, Kane was vindicated by WWE Human Resources.
They said he’s professional, kind, and helpful. All this despite the fact that
he’s obviously insane every week on their own television program. Should a
company’s human resources department miss such an obvious red flag in such a
public way? If I was an investor, I’d ask for some sort of investigation.
Raw Theme Plays. Chaquita
Banana Osh Kosh B’Gosh
Michael Cole just got finished bench pressing yo’ moms at
the behest of both JBL and Byron Saxton. Now the three are here to point, laugh
at you, and upsell a Raw guaranteed to knock your socks on your ass. Guaranteed
might be a strong word, but they’re confident. We’ve got Bray Wyatt and Roman
Reigns doing whatever they can to keep their treadmill feud chugging
along. How about Big Show and Seth
Rollins vs. Those Damn Dudleys? What
more do you want? Huh? Oh. The Beast,
you say? Well that can be arranged.
Mr. Lesnar, you say you “Eat. Sleep, Conquer.
Repeat.” Is that true? That’s all you do?
When do you go potty?
Paul Heyman is sweating from the walk to the ring but Brock
Lesnar, by his side, is unfazed. Why
would he be? Brock is da man. He wrecked
Big Show last night at Madison Square Garden and is drowned by fan adulation
wherever he goes. The crowd gives us a
Suplex City chant and it’s hard to remember that Lesnar’s a heel in all of
this. With both Paul and his client doing little to dissuade any cheers,
they’ve been inching closer and closer to the center since the Seth Rollins
match. Our egg-shaped ECW icon gives us his history lesson on the Undertaker.
For those that don’t know, Taker has been taking souls since 1990 and collected
debts from all his attackers as he did.
But there’s one difference this time. The Beast isn’t a boring old soul
with an easily collectible debt. No way.
Let’s put all the Tarot Cards on the table, Dead Man.
“The Undertaker says Hell in a Cell is
match. Your match, my ass! Just like WrestleMania was the Undertaker’s event
until he stepped into the ring with Brock Lesnar!”
– Paul Heyman
We shoot down to a video package on Undertaker’s
WrestleMania loss to Brock Lesnar. It was a shameful night for the Phenom. Although that mostly was because of the dumb
After we all watch the big TV together, we return to the
ring for more blah, blah, blah. It makes Lesnar smile, though, so all’s
good. Heyman talks the money out of our
pockets while Beastman paces the ring with an increasingly annoyed look on his
face. That seems like a good time to go
to another mini-movie.
Up to the Tron for another video package. This time it’s
about the controversial SummerSlam encounter.
Enough already. At least WCW managed to work a White Castle of Fear into
Fifteen minutes in and we’ve gotten a lecture and two
YouTube clips. Paul E. Dangerously drops
a Stone Cold podcast mention, goes full steam ahead with a Hell in a Cell hard
sell, and promises that this is the final showdown. At this point, who should
arrive but the Madison Square Jabronie himself.
Big Show takes his baby steps to the ring and he looks like
he’s constantly sucking his stomach in.
After taking his baby breaths, he takes a regular sized mic, and takes
his turn talking.
“Suplex City. I guess you took me to Suplex City at
Madison Square Garden, didn’t you, Brock? Whoo. What a trip. What a match.
What a fight!”
– Big Show
What a goober.
In typical cornball fashion, we get the bad acting and
overly scripted promo from the Giant. He
even offers his hand to the Beast in a show of respect. Lez smirks and walks
away. Show doesn’t seem happy with the rejection. He puts a hex on Lesnar and
hopes he loses at the Cell.
Well, that’s just too much for Ultimate Fighter to take. He
returns to the ring and, well, kicks Big Show’s ass.
Suplex. F5. Basically all the stuff you thought you had to
pay to see last night. You didn’t. It’s on Raw for free the next night. Ha!
Elsewhere in the arena, Stephanie McMahon is standing by
with the first champion in WWE history to have his weenis Tweeted to the world
in a fit of anger, Seth Rollins. The Greasiest Shield Member is unhappy with
what just transpired. Since his tag partner for later tonight looks like he’s
going to be a Big No-Show, what’s a Rollins to do? Fight the Dudley Boys on his
own? That’s looney tunes, chica!
Stephanie doesn’t seem to care and stares the WWE Champion down until he
leaves because, well, she’s part owner of the company and helps write these
Commercial Break. If the only way you can order pizza is by
Tweeting an emoji to Dominos, you’re going to be too high to answer the door
anyway. Just take a nap.
Oh my God! Bray Wyatt! I loved you in The Hangover!
Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Randy Orton defeated The Wyatt Family when Reigns
pinned Luke Harper
I can’t get behind this Randy Orton babyface thing. He looks
bizarre and almost insane with that big silly grin on his face. Snakes don’t
grin like fifth graders looking at boobies. He’s just a natural heel. Also,
Dean Ambrose has taken a lot of the Loose Cannon babyface gimmick that Orton
played into a bit through the years. As for the feud itself with the Wyatts, it
has really helped Roman Reigns advance past disappointing Royal Rumble winner
to viable World Title contender. It’s
also helped Braun Strowman, who is getting a monster push that could either end
really good or end like Snitsky. The
jury’s still out for now, but it wouldn’t take much for it to be a
success. Matches like this only help as
he really looked impressive against three top stars. After about 13 commercial
breaks and a Bill Kazmaier reference from JBL, Ambrose finally managed a hot
tag after Strowman missed running into the corner. The Apex Predator hit the
ring like a house of fire and nailed Luke Harper with the roped DDT. But when the Eater of Worlds pulled Luke from
the ring before Randy could hit the RKO, all hell broke loose. There was a wild brawl that sent the match
into a series of spots, culminating with a Roman Spear on Harper. Three seconds later and Bradshaw yells out
“Ball Game!” Because he doesn’t know what the hell a ball game is.
After the bout, Roman Rumble promises to end Bray Wyatt at
Hell in a Cell. See him die only on the
foodies – the movie “Pan” is about Peter Pan. It’s not about actual
Are you not entertained?!
Honestly? No. I’m distracted by the spitballs on your facial
hair. Also, your skin is a little bit see-through.
Sheamus was the second to the ring and had a microphone in
hand as he approached Neville, who was waiting patiently. The Stupid Looker had
no patience for the little feller and made his opinion known. He thinks Nibble
is a loser. Why? Because Mr. Money in the Bank is a winner and, just as he’s
about to explain why, he gets kicked.
The Irish Rooster hits the mat and the match begins.
2. Sheamus pinned Neville with a Brogue Kick
King Barrett was at ringside for this one but only stays at
the announce table until we’re five seconds in. That’s when he runs to the
ring, causes a distraction, and allows Sheamus to kick himself a win. The match was like 1/10th as long
as the pre-match monologue.
Commercial Break. WWE Network now has giftcards. They’re
available at Wal-Mart. Head over and pick one up. Make sure you wear something
trashy so someone can take a photo of you and post it online.
Q: How many Kanes does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: Impossible. He never screws them in
because he likes to Yankum.
Kane’s got weird hair and a microphone in his hand. The
monster is in the midst of his best Joseph Parks impression as he waivers
between demented demon and corporate pansy.
All this insanity makes him a liability to the WWE Champion, but he
seems oblivious to that fact. How so?
Well, for starters, he makes himself the new partner for Seth Rollins
against the Dudley Boys tonight! Uh oh.
Rollins is having none of that and he rushes out to tell the
world. Using Tom Brady as a heat rod in New England, the WWE Champion tells
Kane Corp that he’s out. No more mindgames.
No more nonsense. You take your
reindeer games and play them in hell, buddy.
Kane tries to explain that he’s simply trying to bring the best out in
the Champion. He knows that you’re not happy with yourself, Seth. That’s why
the Suit Monster is attempting to help you face your demons. Things start to
get heated and that’s when business starts to pick up.
Stephanie McMahon Test Helmsley shows up to steal the show
and brings us through the storyline with the step-by-step explanations that
she’s famous for. She sucks up to the New England crowd with an over-the-top
Tom Brady shout-out and gets the biggest reaction of anyone in this
segment. Then she announces Kane vs.
Seth Rollin for Hell in a Cell and gets the second biggest reaction of anyone
in this segment. Finally, she verifies Kane’s spot in the tag match against the
Dudleys, gets the third biggest reaction that you were expecting, and adds one
last stipulation for Hell in a Cell. If
Demon Kane loses to Rollins, Corporate Kane is fired from his office job. Sound
dumb? Yeah. Corporate Kane. Demon Kane. Wake me up when Exciting Kane shows up.
Commercial Break. Here. Post this one Wednesday. You’re
Backstage, Seth Rollins is pleading his case to Corporate
Triple H. The Game gives Seth some sage advice. “Do unto others before they can
do unto you.”
3. Natalya defeated Paige with a Sharpshooter Submission
I know I bring this up every time I cover one of her
matches, but it still amazes me that Jim Neidhart has a pretty daughter. If you
had asked me, as a kid, what the Anvil’s daughter, if he had one, would look
like one day, I’d have drawn Yosemite Sam.
What in tarnation?! She’s more than just a pretty face, though. One of
the unsung heroes of WWE’s female division, Nattie is finally getting her due
in the Revolution and reminding us all of her skills. Paige was able to hang
with her and the two were given a fair amount of time to show what they could
do. While the crowd reaction wasn’t humongous, it was light years above what
the “Divas” used to get. Neidhart’s
Sharpshooter brought the crowd to its feet both times she applied it and the
second one got the tap out.
Maurice Cole, Byron Saxton, and JBL smile big and talk about
Ryback’s feud with Kevin Owens at ringside.
We’re treated to Big Guy promo mixed in with a Feed Me More video
package and a reminder that three hours of wrestling doesn’t necessarily mean
three hours of content.
Oh, but you’re wrong, Cynical Cecil. Back in the arena, Kevin Owens is here and he
has the white Intercontinental Championship. Bastard. #BlackTitlesMatter
4. Kevin Owens pinned Sin Cara after the Pop Up
Apparently, the star of Scooby Doo’s WrestleMania Mystery,
Sin Cara, challenged Kevin Owens after a misunderstanding earlier tonight. Cole
doesn’t explain what it was all about, but no one cares anyway. We’re just glad
that they got rid of that Sin Cara lighting and his matches no longer look like
a strip club on Christmas. Strangely, the babyface Lucha Dragons were the ones
who used underhanded tactics. Throwing logic to the wind, Kalisto distracted
Owens and allowed Cara to attack for a while…but only for a while. You can’t
escape Poppa Powerbomb. Mr. Belvedere’s favorite teenager pics up the win in
typical K.O. style.
After the bell, Kevin started kicking everyone until Ryback
ran to the ring to a lukewarm – at best – response. Owens had to leave through
the audience and, amazing enough, no fans jumped the barricade and started
Stephanie McSpotlight is on her phone backstage when the New
Day rocks on over to her. She’s far from nice to the trio and threatens to
punish them if the former ClubWWI.com guest so much as plays the trombone. The
three best talkers WWE has right now all quietly stand there while McMahon
chastises them, announces their match against the Dudleys at Hell in a Cell,
and walks away. Ugh. This chick’s a buzzkill.
Commercial Break. It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno. Uh oh! Then who the hell did I tweet a pizza
WWE is doing great charity work with Susan G. Komen’s fight
against Breast Cancer. They do an in-ring segment honoring this and I’m not
going to recap it. It doesn’t fit in with the rest of the Insanity. Here. Just
see it yourself.
Commercial Break. The Walking Dead returns next week. Even
more exciting, though, is that Fear The Walking Dead is over! Hooray!
5. The Dudleys vs. Kane and Seth Rollins was a
double disqualification or something
When it comes time for the big tag match between The Dudleys
and the Big Red Architects, Kane shows up in his suit. Resembling The Wall after Russo showed up
with a little bit of IRS mixed in, the tied Monster appears to be on the same
page as our Champion. Of course, that’s all just ruse. Rollins browbeat the giant in dress clothes
and insisted he stay in the corner, for fear that the demon would show up in
his place if he were to leave. He should have been more worried about Bully Ray
and Reverend D-Von, though. The tag team legends worked Seth, who eventually
crawled into the corner to bring in his partner. There was some conflict, but
it all started to subside. The tepid relationship between the Corporate Duo
seemed to warm up a bit as the match went on and, before long, they almost
seemed to be a solid union. But when it seemed like Corporate Kane’s injured leg
was in too much corporate pain, the doctor stepped in.
Insisting that the Director of Operations seek medical
attention in the back, Doc gets no love from Rollins. Enraged, Seth pulls out a pair of handcuffs
and fastens his partner to the corner.
That lasts for less than a minute before the Big Red White Collar Worker
gets knocked from the apron…and the cuffs break.
Seriously. So dumb. What was the point?
Michael Cole has to explain what happened because it doesn’t
seem to make much sense. As the
Architect can do nothing but watch, Kane is lead out of the arena. Team 3D takes full advantage of this latest
turn and deliver total nonstop action to the abandoned champ. Then, for no reason at all, they go to get a
table so they can lose by disqualification.
Rollins regains his composure and baseball slides them both, while
they’re holding it at ringside. The referee calls for the bell and, for the
second time in a matter of minutes, Cole has to explain what’s going on. He
stops short of saying, “They didn’t really write an end for the match. It’s all
about Kane showing up after.”
That’s what happened next. The fire burned. The Demon
arrived. The Dudleys smashed him. Yup. Surprise. Before Big Red could get his
hands on his Hell in a Cell opponent, the Duds nailed him with a 3D. Michael
Cole says it’s because of something that happened on Thursday. I wasn’t paying
attention. I think he stole their Big League Chew or something.
With the Brothertaker down and out, Seth Rollins knows he has
it all sewn up. He retrieves the table
and takes too long gloating over his fallen monster. When Kane gets to his
feet, Captain Crossfit can do little else than eat wood and like it. Broken table. Broken Champion. Cue the pyro.
Commercial Break. USA
Network has reruns of Modern Family. If the episodes are old, are they still
Modern? Is it post-modern family? My head hurts.
Earlier today, Team Bella arrived in a limo. For some
reason, a camera showed up and followed them as they walked into the building. Stalk
much, camera boy? Team BAD suddenly arrived too and they had some silly
altercation with Nikki’s cap getting thrown. They all screech and have to be
pulled apart. Michael Cole said it makes the following match “a little
interesting”. Michael Cole is an f’n liar.
The argument could be made that Sasha Banks is the actual reason
the match was interesting. Heading in to her Iron Man match at NXT, Banks is on
a hot streak. The fact that she’s in her hometown only makes it more natural
for her to bask in the spotlight. Her prematch promo was going really well but
was cut short by Team Bella because that’s what they do.
The two teams exchange harsh words about baseball,
promiscuity, and how no one cares about Naomi. I don’t know how good all of
this sounds on paper, but it wasn’t. The crowd seemed into Sasha’s initial
hometown speech, but that didn’t last and we were jerked back to crushing reality.
6. Team B.A.D. defeated Team Bella when Sasha
defeated Alicia Fox
Can we just take a minute to point out how completely stupid
the name “Team B.A.D.” is? Forget the fact that it makes me think of Michael
Jackson. Forget the fact that most people have no idea what it stands for. How about the fact that, when referring to
their bout on the card, you’d say, “Hey. Did you see the BAD match?” Yeah. That.
I can’t wait until the day one of them says, “In WWE today – everything is
BAD!” during a promo and the people in creative go, “Oh snap. We need to change that.” That day will come, but for now, that’s the
way it is. The match itself was pretty
boring and it appears that they’re planting seeds that Sasha is going to
outshine her partners in the eyes of fans. Gearing up for her eventual babyface
turn, the Boss is the one who initially gets the better of The Mean Girls in
this outting. It leads to nearly everyone hitting high impact moves on one
another in quick succession, but Alicia Fox doesn’t have eyes in the back of
her head. If she did, she would have seen the Bank Statement coming. Foxy taps and Sasha Banks. Cha-ching.
Backstage, Renee Young interviews Charlotte and Becky Lynch.
Becky doesn’t speak. Charlotte shouldn’t have either because she didn’t really
say anything important. Honestly, it looked like they just wanted to fill 15 seconds.
Commercial Break. If I ever get mugged, I’m going to sing,
“Just like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!” If an agent doesn’t magically
appear and save me, I’m going to sue them.
I’m not a big Summer Rae fan, but she’s a big Rusev
fan. She’s also dressed like a knockoff
of Lana who dresses like a knockoff of Debra McMichael who dressed like a
stripper doing a business woman gimmick. It’s all very déjà vu as she brings
out the Bulgarian Fruit so she can drown him in praise.
Rusev arrives and endures the rude USA chants that greet
him. Blusev’s brother insists that the crowd shut their pie holes and listen to
Lana McMichael as she honors him. Once
again, we all get to watch big TV.
Music Video celebrating the love between Summer Rae and
Rusev. Poor Fandango.
Ru-Ru, as Summer calls him, seems taken aback by the showing
of love and admits that he initially didn’t like Summer at all. But, over time, she’s grown on him. So what happens when a sweaty Bulgarian power
lifter falls in love with a knockoff of a knockoff wrestling manager? Of course.
Yeah, you can insert your “WTF” here. The crowd didn’t pop
much as she dropped to one knee and the whole thing went on a bit long with
Rusev thinking his response over. Not
much of this made sense. When he finally
said yes, we all believed this bizarre segment had come to an end. But no. He had some words for his future
“I say yes, but not yet. You think we have future?
We must prove to each other that we are worthy. I need to have a WWE gold
around my waist and then you will have gold around your finger.” –
I totally get this because I actually gave my wife the same
ultimatum. That’s how I became US Champion for a week. True story. Lame
Commercial Break. Hell in a Cell is presented by
says to “not try this at home”, but if you get WWE 2K16, you can! It’s fine. So
pick one up today and smash your friend across the face with it.
When I hear them say “The John Cena U.S. Open Challenge”, it
makes me think they’re going to play tennis.
John has no racquet when he arrives though and lays it all on the line.
Speculation is all over social media according to Michael Cole, so this ought
to be good. Cole wonders if it could be
Heath Slater. It better not be freaking
Heath Slater. Don’t even joke about that, Maurice.
Cue Dolph Ziggler.
Nah. Just play his music for a minute.
Dolph Ziggler’s music hits but he doesn’t arrive. Instead we
Free WWE Marketing Idea: I would totally
buy “New. Day Socks. New. Day Socks.”
With Dolph Ziggler laying lifeless in their arms, The New Day
shows up with a more serious approach than before. While still coming off as
jovial entertainers, all three men seem to be in a dangerous zone. They slowly stalk the ring and present their
big challenger. Hell, the dude has big
in his name. Big E, go get him!
7. US Champion John Cena pinned Big E after an AA
This was Big E’s bizarre coming out party. The New Day
member held his own against WWE’s Golden Boy, but it was still hard to shake
the idea that he’s a comedic tag team wrestler. If you thought he’d walk away
with the gold, then you don’t know SuperCena, pal. The United States Champion
can’t be held down and when he hit E with the AA, letters were all over the
place. Add some numbers to that – like 1, 2, 3, and it’s all over but the
shouting. Ah! Now it’s over.
Kofi Kingston and Xaviar Woods weren’t happy with this
development and ran in to put the boots to Johnny Beef Stew That’s when Dolph
Ziggler came back to life and rushed out to save his acquaintance. He wasn’t
much help though as a mistimed boot ended up hitting Cena in the face. Nice
Up next to save the day – The Dudleys. However, they too feel the wrath of the New
Day and the point of the segment becomes clear. New Day rocks and this
Nexus-style beating may be the moment that makes these three guys who don’t seem
to take themselves seriously a serious threat to the entire company.
We’re treated to trombone music as we fade to black.
All in all... Um. OK. Maybe a slight let
down due to the main event feeling like it was going to have a bigger surprise
The New Day finish was a bit odd and it’s going to be a few
days before we see what it really means.
At this point, they’re the hottest things going in WWE. Moving them up
the ladder in such dramatic fashion could be the best thing that ever happened
to them…or the worst. A spot at the top of the show as a dominant heel group
isn’t always a blessing. We’ve followed the buzzards up and down the entire
card for years now.
Stephanie McMahon has some serious ego issues. She brazenly
puts herself over anyone who comes within a foot of her. Her appearances
tonight were over the top – even for her.
The Kane storyline is stupid, but you know that. I started
doing Raw Insanity in 2002 and Kane’s storylines were stupid then. From Katie
to jumper cables to HR reviews, Glenn Jacobs has come out of every dumb story
and lived to fight another day. Sadly,
it’s starting to feel like that might not be the case anymore.
Summer Rae will now stop at nothing to get married. Big Show
is going to do some soul searching. Sasha Banks is going to fly to the moon and
leave her BAD buddies behind. That’s about it. It took three hours to learn
those things. Three hours.
And that’s ten years and a Raw for ya, guys. Thanks so much for being a part of our
Insanity for the past decade. It’s been a pleasure to write for you and a
privilege I don’t take lightly. It’s been amazing. Be Well!