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JG's Insanity: The Time Traveling Announce Team Crime Fighter Heroes

By James Guttman Jun 21, 2011 - 2:22 PM print

Before time. Before space. Wrestling commentators throughout history were gathered in a timeless place and left to live in a world of their own. In a world of such characters, only a select few can band together to keep them in line. They are... The Time Traveling Announce Team Crime Fighter Heroes...

To Protect and Commentate

Open: Top Secret Headquarters of The Time Traveling Announce Team Crime Fighter Heroes.

Bobby Heenan: (slamming a banana into the wall) I can't get a line out. I can't get a line out. This thing doesn't work. (tries to whistle) Hey. Fuzzy. This banana phone is busted.

Gorilla Monsoon: Will you be serious, Brain? That's a real banana.

Heenan: You're a real banana.

Michael Cole: Oh great, King. Now they're going to do banana jokes for an hour.

Jerry Lawler: Ya know, why don't you shut up, Cole?

Tony Schiavone: (glaring angrily in the corner) Why don't you both shut up? I can't stand to hear it anymore. You're making me tired all over.

Steve McMichael: Why don't my puppy Pepe make'em shut up, Tony? Wee-haw!

Alarm Sounds...

Beep. Beep. Attention Time Traveling Announce Team Crime Fighter Heroes. Incoming Message from Commissioner Gordon.

The heroes gather around as Commissioner Gordon appears on the giant screen.

Comissioner Gordon Solie: Good day and suplay, gentlemen, gather around the table. I have an urgent message about your next mission.

Mike Adamle: Hi, Commissioner Gordon. You're my favorite. Commissioner Luis and Commissioner Mr. Hooper are my other favorites.

Gordon: Yeah. Great. Anyway, as I'm sure you're aware, gentlemen, Art Donovan, NFL Legend, time traveler, and the single worst commentator in wrestling history has broken free from our prison. You may remember the night we flew to King of the Ring 1994 and arrested him. It was an evening we'll never forget...

The group shudders at the memory.

Gordon: Now, he's out there.

McMichael: Whoo-hoo! We know ol' Art Donovan. I never thought we'd hear from him again. Did you, weasel?

Heenan: Who are you calling weasel?

Monsoon: He's calling you a weasel.

Heenan: I beg your pardon.

McMichael: Weasel!

Heenan: Who are you calling a weasel?

Monsoon: He's calling you a weasel.

Heenan: I beg your pardon!

McMichael: He's a weasel! YEAH!

Hennan: Who are you...

Schiavone: SHUT UP! GOD! SHUT THE HELL UP! Please let me out of here! This is hell, right? Gordon? This is hell?!

Adamle: The Tazz watches Hello Kitty is a cartoon.

Cole: What?

Gordon: Do you all mind if I continue? Art Donovan is in his Arctic lair atop the globe and he's planning to...commentate the world.

Everyone gasps except Michael Cole.

Cole: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry. Is this where I gasp? Like I'm so upset? (feigns gasping) Oh, no. I'm so worried.

King: Shut up, Cole.

Monsoon: (whispering to Lawler) Tell him you can have him thrown out of here.

King: But I don't have the power to do that.

Monsoon: Neither did I. I said it all the time.

King: (to Cole) I'll have you thrown out of here.

Heenan: Hey. You will do nothing of the sort. He's a close personal friend. You refer to him as Mr. Cole and say, "Yes, Mr. Cole. No, Mr. Cole."

Monsoon: Great. A perfect pair. One lies and the other one swears to it.

McMichael: Yeah! Where'd my pants go, Tony!?

Gordon: (annoyed) Gentlemen, please. Just go to the Arctic and find Art Donovan. The world is counting on you. Good luck...and Suplay.

- flash-

Our heroes are in the Arctic Circle, flying along in their Space Time Travel Container Module. Snow falls around them and they can barely see through the windows.  Everyone eagerly looks ahead except for Tony Schiavone, who has his head on the dashboard and is pretending to nap.

Cole: This space/time mobile takes forever. King, I bet this thing was made the year you started wrestling. It's like a bad Mother's Day gift. Oh...King. I didn't mean to say that. Did I hurt you? Aw...

Monsoon: Quiet, you little runt.

King: (muttering) Yeah. With a capital C.

Monsoon: I said "runt".

McMichael: YEE-HAW, Weasel! We getting close! We should KEEP OUR VOICES DOWN! YEAH! Here we go!

King: Shhh. Shut up, Mongo. I need to concentrate. Look. The storm is thick, but I think I can make out some sort of fortress.

Adamle: (pointing) Someone's been eating my porridge! And there it is! Yahtzee!

The Art Donovan Fortress becomes visible. Suddenly, he appears atop the snowy roof and looks down on our heroes.

Art Donovan: (echoing) Who is dis, Gorilla? Some of your resslers ...esslers...esslers...

Monsoon: It's over, Art.

Art: (still echoing) Nothing is over, Gorilla... illa...illa... Who's dis guy? He looks like a business man... iness man...iness man...

King: Time Traveling Announce Team Crime Fighter Heroes - unite and activiate!

Schiavone: Oh come on. We gotta do this stupid ring shit again?

McMichael: Aim ya ring, Toe-nee! It makes pretty colors!

The Heroes aim their rings at Donovan, but it doesn't do any good. He stands tall. Our heroes continue blasting, but realize something must be done.

Adamle: He's too strong! We can't stopple him!

King: (yelling over the electric magic sounds) I have an idea! Bobby, where's your banana phone?!

Heenan: (reaching into his gliterry red coat) This thing? It's a piece of junk.

King: Not with my Kingly powers.

Lawler dials the phone.

King: Hello. We need you. We need you to save us.

Lawler hangs up.

Adamle: Hello Kitty?

Lawler: Nope. Hello...Hunter.

Suddenly a giant Triple H flies overhead and tackles Art Donovan to the ground. With one punch, he kills him and sends him...


Vince McMahon: (throwing a stack of paper on the floor) No. We're not doing this script.

Triple H: COME ON! I wrote it! I've been off TV. I've been good!

Vince: No. We did the Chaperone, remember?

Hunter: NO! I hate you! I hate the stupid "Craperone"!

Vince: That's real nice.

Hunter: I can rewrite it! I was going to have Booker T and Dusty Rhodes as Art's henchmen.

Vince: Well, I like that you left J.R. out of it.

Hunter: See! I did that for you!

Vince: Do you still save the day at the end?

Hunter: Yeah. That's non-negotiable.

Vince: No.

Hunter: GOD! I HATE YOU!

Hunter storms out.

Vince tip toes to the door and peeks around to see if Triple H is gone. He then walks to the phone and presses a button.

Vince: Hey, Steph. (singing) I think I know what to get Hunter for his birthd-a-a-ay...

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