An Annual Insanity Tradition for Twelve
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WWE Memorial Day 2015 BBQ...McMahon Home...
Vince McMahon: So I said, if you want me to name her after the
place you conceived her, I'd rather we call her "Backseat of a Buick"
Triple H: Ha. What did he say?
Vince: He said Woo.
Triple H: Of course he did. Did you ask him for my Melissa Etheridge CDs back?
Vince: Yes, he said...hang on.
(turning) What?! What do you want?!
Hideo Itami: Hello Mister McMahon. I...like...your...party.
Vince: Aw. Thank you, Long Duck Dong.
Triple H: No, Vince. That's one of our NXT guys. His
name is Hideo Itami.
Vince: Really? That's
unusual. My choice, huh? OK. In
that case, I choose to call you Tommy.
Blank confused expressions
Itami: Um. Thank you?
Vince: Yes. OK,
Tommy. What can I get you to eat? Egg rolls or some shit?
Triple H: No, Vince. That's Chinese.
(long pause) I
thought you said his name was Hideo or... Alright. Whatever. So, what'll it be,
Tommy Chinese? Egg roll?
(whispering to Itami) Just say yes.
Vince: Here you go.
Vince plops something that clearly isn't an egg roll onto Itami's plate
Itami: This is dead mouse.
(whispering) Just say thank you.
Itami: Thank you.
Vince: You're very welcome.
(pause) Now eat it.
Itami: I don't want to eat it.
Vince: Would it help if I said please?
Itami: I really don't want...
Vince: EAT IT! JUST
F**KING EAT IT, TOMMY!
Itami nervously swallows it whole, bursts into tears, and
sprints off to throw up.
Vince: Ha ha. I make them cry in every language. Hey, I thought you said that the people from
Destination America were coming this year?
Triple H: They were, but then they cancelled.
Vince: Oh, OK. What about Joe? Is he coming today?
Triple H: Samoa Joe?
(Smiles) Joe Mama.
Triple H: You're in a pretty weird mood today.
(beaming) I mixed my morning oatmeal with Molly and
Triple H: Oh so you're...
Vince: Ready to fill my backpack with sand and fly to the
moon, bitch! Bee-boop! Ha ha. No, I'm just kidding. I'm crazy. I'm a nut.
Heath Slater walks over nervously.
Heath Slater: Excuse me, Mr. H?
Triple H: What?
Heath: I wanted to ask you about the free WWE Network
subscriptions that you gave to the roster. I really appreciate it and everything but, well...
Triple H: Spit it out, Heather.
Heath: It's just that, well, I got 200,000 confirmation emails.
Triple H: Yeah. We signed you up for 200,000
subscriptions. How do you think we got
the numbers up?
Triple H: Yeah seriously! John Cena gave me the idea. He sells more merch than any of you dilweeds. Know how? He buys half a million of his own shirts every year from Shopzone. Yup.
Half - a - million. That's dedication, Heather. Costs him his entire paycheck. That's why he lives in that cardboard box.
Vince: Ah ha ha. What
a maneuver. Hey, kid. How'd you like a hot dog?
Heath: Um, sure. Thank you.
Vince: Absolutely. Just help me with this zipper.
Heath: On second thought, I'll pass.
Heath Slater speed walks across the yard
(looking across the yard) Hey. Did he just walk over to Jeff Hardy over
Triple H: No. That's Finn Balor from NXT.
Vince: We hired another body painting guy? Seriously? Jeez. So, uh, this one is clean,
Triple H: Of course. We have a strict wellness...
Vince: Shit. I was going to ask him to score me some more
Triple H: Maybe you should chill out with that talk.
Vince: Yeah and maybe
you should go do some yoga, DDP.
Triple H: I'm just doing my job. I'm a business ma'am now.
Vince: Business man.
Triple H: I think it's ma'am.
Vince: Pretty sure it's man. I guess that explains why you're wearing a suit outside in 75 degree
(instantly slumping over) Oh my God. I'm ready to
pass out, can you tell?
Vince: Yes. Go grab
yourself a bottled water and pour it on your head for old time's sake. Grab me one too. I've gotta down the rest of this oatmeal.