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JG's Insanity: The 12th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue

By James Guttman May 25, 2015 - 8:05 AM print


An Annual Insanity Tradition for Twelve Years! 
Click the following links to check out the past BBQs:

 

Memorial Day 2004 *** *** Memorial Day 2005

== Memorial Day 2006 *** *** Memorial Day 2007 **

Memorial Day 2008 *** *** Memorial Day 2009

Memorial Day 2010 *** *** Memorial Day 2011

Memorial Day 2012 *** *** Memorial Day 2013 

Memorial Day 2014


WWE Memorial Day 2015 BBQ...McMahon Home...


Vince McMahon: So I said, if you want me to name her after the place you conceived her, I'd rather we call her "Backseat of a Buick" than Charlotte.

Triple H: Ha. What did he say?

Vince: He said Woo.

Triple H: Of course he did. Did you ask him for my Melissa Etheridge CDs back?

Vince: Yes, he said...hang on. (turning) What?! What do you want?!

Hideo Itami: Hello Mister McMahon. I...like...your...party.

Vince: Aw. Thank you, Long Duck Dong.

Triple H: No, Vince. That's one of our NXT guys. His name is Hideo Itami.

Vince: Really? That's unusual. My choice, huh? OK. In that case, I choose to call you Tommy.

Blank confused expressions

Itami: Um. Thank you?

Vince: Yes. OK, Tommy. What can I get you to eat? Egg rolls or some shit?

Triple H: No, Vince. That's Chinese.

Vince: (long pause) I thought you said his name was Hideo or... Alright. Whatever. So, what'll it be, Tommy Chinese? Egg roll?

Triple H: (whispering to Itami) Just say yes.

Itami: Yes.

Vince: Here you go.

Vince plops something that clearly isn't an egg roll onto Itami's plate

Itami: This is dead mouse.

Triple H: (whispering) Just say thank you.

Itami: Thank you.

Vince: You're very welcome. (pause) Now eat it.

Stunned Silence

Itami: I don't want to eat it.

Vince: Would it help if I said please?

Itami: I really don't want...

Vince: EAT IT! JUST F**KING EAT IT, TOMMY!

Itami nervously swallows it whole, bursts into tears, and sprints off to throw up.


Vince: Ha ha. I make them cry in every language. Hey, I thought you said that the people from Destination America were coming this year?

Triple H: They were, but then they cancelled.

Vince: Oh, OK. What about Joe? Is he coming today?

Triple H: Samoa Joe?

Vince: No. (Smiles) Joe Mama.

Long pause.

Triple H: You're in a pretty weird mood today.

Vince: (beaming) I mixed my morning oatmeal with Molly and bath salts.

Triple H: Oh so you're...

Vince: Ready to fill my backpack with sand and fly to the moon, bitch! Bee-boop! Ha ha. No, I'm just kidding. I'm crazy. I'm a nut.

Heath Slater walks over nervously.

Heath Slater: Excuse me, Mr. H?

Triple H: What?

Heath: I wanted to ask you about the free WWE Network subscriptions that you gave to the roster. I really appreciate it and everything but, well...

Triple H: Spit it out, Heather.

Heath: It's just that, well, I got 200,000 confirmation emails.

Triple H: Yeah. We signed you up for 200,000 subscriptions. How do you think we got the numbers up?

Heath: Seriously?!

Triple H: Yeah seriously! John Cena gave me the idea. He sells more merch than any of you dilweeds. Know how? He buys half a million of his own shirts every year from Shopzone. Yup. Half - a - million. That's dedication, Heather. Costs him his entire paycheck. That's why he lives in that cardboard box.

Heath: Oh.

Vince: Ah ha ha. What a maneuver. Hey, kid. How'd you like a hot dog?

Heath: Um, sure. Thank you.

Vince: Absolutely. Just help me with this zipper.

Heath: On second thought, I'll pass.

Heath Slater speed walks across the yard


Vince: Tease. (looking across the yard) Hey. Did he just walk over to Jeff Hardy over there?

Triple H: No. That's Finn Balor from NXT.

Vince: We hired another body painting guy? Seriously? Jeez. So, uh, this one is clean, right?

Triple H: Of course. We have a strict wellness...

Vince: Shit. I was going to ask him to score me some more Molly.  

Triple H: Maybe you should chill out with that talk.

Vince: Yeah and maybe you should go do some yoga, DDP.

Triple H: I'm just doing my job. I'm a business ma'am now.

Vince: Business man.

Triple H: I think it's ma'am.

Vince: Pretty sure it's man. I guess that explains why you're wearing a suit outside in 75 degree weather

Triple H: (instantly slumping over) Oh my God. I'm ready to pass out, can you tell?

Vince: Yes. Go grab yourself a bottled water and pour it on your head for old time's sake. Grab me one too. I've gotta down the rest of this oatmeal.





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