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Aaron's UnReal Time Saturday Night's Main Event Review - Thorn, Umaga & Viscera vs. Kane, Supergene (?) & DOINK(?!?!?)

By Aaron Wood Jun 2, 2007 - 5:57 PM print

LAST TIME ON SNME: Carlito was still a babyface, Trish & Sabu were still around and the Spirit Squad were still a viable entity. Just.

The stuff I would normally just bundle as the first sentence before talking about what was going on, but on this occasion, I may as well set the scene in some detail, because it is indeed more noteworthy than normal...
Well, first off, welcome to the 34th edition of the show. Tonight, there is only one announce team, and it's the original Smackdown announce team of Michael Cole (Yay!) and Jerry Lawler (Sweet Jesus...why?). Secondly, throughout the night, rather than someone professional like Justin Roberts or Tony Chimel doing the ring announcing, it was random divas doing each bit, regardless of mic skill (i.e. Ashley was up first), and then as a final sad indictment of SNME, the pre-show promos which were also absent (if memory serves) from the last show are again missing here. Hell, it was even a cold open, without opening credits, as the pyro went off and after introductions...

The Great Khali def. John Cena in a "Cena really is a bitch. Khali's bitch." match
John Cena came out first to a nearly entirely negative reaction (there was even a shot of two of KIDS booing!!!). We then saw a promo of the stuff coming up (along the theme of Biggest, Smallest etc.) with typically suitable circus-like graphics, and a package on Khali before the big man himself came out.

John Cena tried to get the jump on Khali as he got in the ring, but Khali just powered back, blocking an FU attempt. Cena's head was rammed into the turnbuckle, before Khali clubbed Cena in the back. John found himself on the apron, but Khali punched him, causing him to lose his grip on the rope and fall to the floor. Cena got back in, but Khali stayed in control, with an elbow to the head in the corner. Khali choked away in the opposite corner, before he shot Cena into another corner with a hard clothesline. Another whip saw a boot to the head as Cena came out the corner. Khali gave Cena a bodyslam, but missed a leg drop. Cena teased an STFU, but it was easily blocked, as Cole noted it WOULDN'T work at ONS, as Khali would have to be pinned. Khali worked Cena on the floor, before rolling him back in the ring, hitting a clothesline. Cena tried firing back, but Khali clotheslined him again. Khali choked Cena with his boot, as the crowd actually chanted "Khali sucks". Cena pulled himself up, using Khali, but was just downed again with a headbutt. Cena ducked a punch and got Khali on his shoulders, but like the last main FU tease, Khali elbowed out and gave Cena the chop to the head and the Tree Slam, putting his foot on Cena to get the perfectly clean win on the Champ "24 hours" from the PPV.

After the match, Runjin Singh gave Khali a mic, and he cut a promo on Cena & the crowd, which Singh translated as saying that Khali said he'd defeat Cena at the PPV, and that he could beat him anywhere in the building and that he would become WWE Champion. As Cole said, on this evidence, how could you argue?

5.5/10 - Boy, does Cena play a good ping pong ball. This was tantamount to a squash. Cena got next to no offence here and Khali was utterly dominant. Khali did everything he had to do though, and he did it right. Also, with it being a Falls Count Anywhere match, it advantages both men, as it's a brawlers match, so personally I'm quite hopeful, but tonight was all about Khali dominating. It's just a shame that everyone knows Cena will be winning, because if it wasn't so obvious, then this would have meant so much more.

The Vince McMahon vs. Bobby Lashley Arm-Wrestling match didn't happen when Mark Henry saved the day interfered...
Kristal was on duty here, and she introduced Vinny Mac as "The Doctor Of Hardcore", as the NBC viewers who don't watch wrestling normally and are yet watching this, saw a package on the McMahon/Lashley feud. Suffice to say, Vince is also at rest with his current hair length, as Cole put across the degust of old ECW acolytes that Vince was champion. Nice to see they recognise that fact...

Lashley came out, and the first thing we saw was a sign saying "Lashley Dominates RAW"...Says it all, doesn't it... They stared each other down as we took another break. We came back with Lashley ready, but Vince still to get in. Scott Armstrong gave them the rules as a "You Screwed Bret" chant got going. A week in Canada and that's the first time we heard that this week from either side! Vince kept pulling away, apparently psyching himself up. He stalled again. he got a mic and trash talked Lashley. He stalled again, when Mark Henry's music kicked in. Vince said he wasn't going to embarrass Lashley tonight and introduced Henry as Lashley's competition. They indeed locked up (no chickening from Henry). Henry started off better, but Lashley came back took the advantage. But then Henry took a cheap shot and then worked over Lashley in the corner. However, Lashley came back, only to come off the ropes and be caught with a bearhug, but when Henry put Bobby down, Lashley snapped off a spear. However, as Lashley looked at Henry, Vince smacked Lashley in the back with a chair.

Edge...Distinctly average...
Maria was with Edge backstage (hadn't she noticed he was off to Smackdown). Maria said we had seen the biggest and the strongest, and we'd still to see the smallest and the strangest, so which one was Edge? Edge said none of them. He said he had beaten the Undertaker and Batista and was World Heavyweight Champion. So while he wasn't the biggest, strongest, smallest or strangest, he was just the greatest.

Batista & Chris Benoit def. MVP & Edge in a "No much luck for MVP in tag matches this week then..." match
After a commercial break, it was Torrie's turn to announce a match she had to place doing (I mean, Ashley doing a RAW match, Kristal doing an ECW segment, and Torrie doing Smackdown), and she was truly insipid in doing so. And then, in some rather bizarre logic, when Chris Benoit came out after Batista, he was billed from "Atlanta, Georgia", and yet, when Edge came out after MVP, he got the "Toronto" billing and the hometown pop. So the babyface isn't supposed to get the Canadian billing, while the heel is allowed to get the "hometown" pop??? As Edge posed for his people, we took a break.

We came back to see the US Title feuders started us off here, with MVP punching away at Benoit, but Benoit came right back with chops before getting a drop toehold, going for the Crossface, which MVP made the ropes for. MVP pulled Benoit into his corner, bringing in Edge. however, Edge posed too long, allowing Benoit to fire a couple of chops, before hitting a snap suplex and an elbow drop for a 2 count. Edge was then downed with a couple of forearms, before Batista was tagged in. Edgeward scarpered, tagging in MVP, to his dismay. The Animal worked MVP in the corner, before hitting a suplex for a 2 count, broken by Edge. MVP punched Batista into the corner, but a whip was reversed with Batista hitting a knee to the gut for a 2 count. Benoit came in off the tag, and worked Porter over in the corner. MVP reversed a whip, but missed the running boot, allowing Benoit to hit the Triple Germans. He went up top for the headbutt, but thanks to an Edge distraction, MVP moved out the way. Benoit was pulled to the heel corner, where MVP got a 2 count, before Edge was tagged in. Edge worked on Benoit, targeting the stomach of Benoit with stomps and a gutbuster for 2. MVP came in with a nice gutwrench suplex for a couple of 2 counts. Edge was tagged in, and after a snapmare, put on a reverse bearhug. Benoit fought out of it and hit an enziguri. MVP was tagged in first, and initially stopped Benoit from tagging, but Benoit fought Porter off and got Batista in. Deacon Dave worked over MVP with his usual power moves. Edge tried sneaking in, but Batista saw him, so Edge took off his belt. Batista gave MVP a spinebuster, before tagging Benoit, who gave the high-and-dry MVP the diving headbutt for the three count.

7/10 - Just like last night, this was pretty good stuff, albeit with a slightly different dynamic. There was nothing spectacular about it, but it was perfectly fine, and did its job in hyping Edge vs. Batista. And with Benoit pinning MVP, there is now even more of an excuse to have a rematch for the US Title, albeit not tomorrow night.

Finlay & Hornswaggle and then the Boogeymen walked towards the ring backstage...

Finlay & Hornswaggle def. Boogeyman & Little Boogeyman in a "Now, I just want the mist, damn it!" match
Finlay came out first, with Hornswaggle by his side. However, Hornswaggle went under the ring, as Lawler wasted ZERO time in getting a "Lucky Charms" joke out there. And Candice Michelle introduced their opponents as "The Big And The Little Boogeymen", as Cole got in the Wade Boggs comparison again. The big guys started this off, as Boogeyman powered out a lock up. Boogey powered Finlay into the corner, and then whipped him into the opposite corner, squashing him. He got an inverted atomic drop, before hitting a splash. Little Boogey was tagged in, and hit a couple of sentons, much as Finlay does, before the pair slugged it out with Finlay on his knees. Mini Boogey hit a DDT(!!!), but as he ate worms, Hornswaggle appeared and took a tag. They teased repeating the hat spot from last night (even though this was filmed before it) but Finlay hit a low dropkick (which in Mini Boogeyman's terms was a normal one) . This led to the Irish dancing a jig. it was a little something like this...

Hornswaggle celebrated a little too long though, as Little Boogeyman gave him a small package for a 2 before Finlay broke it up. Finlay was tagged in, but the suplex attempt was countered into ANOTHER small package, which Hornswaggle had to break up. Boogeyman chased Hornswaggle away, but that allowed Finlay to give Little Boogeyman a boot to the head for the three count.

6.5/10 - Again, like last night, the wrestling was exactly the thing that made this bit, although it was perfectly acceptable, but the fact is that it was a helluva lot of fun to be had here.

Yeah, not even the little people are saving this...Well, actually they did kinda, but don't let anyone else know I said that...
I tell you, given the time when this airs in the US, at least, there had better be some boobies...I know there won't be, but that's what it would take. Suffice to say, they just danced (to the New Timbaland song again). And there were no boobies. However, during the dancing, we cut backstage to see the midgets chasing each other, through Cryme Tyme talking to Dusty Rhodes. The Boogeyman got involved, but so did Finlay, downing Boogeyman, before imitating his dance. Hornswaggle and Mini Boogeyman came down the aisle and interrupted. Hornswaggle hid behind the girls. Hornswaggle took refuge under Brooke's legs, while Mini Boogey did the same to Leyla. They then proceeded to have a chicken fight!!!!! it didn't last long though (it was kind of a draw) before Mini Boogeyman chased Hornswaggle back up the ramp!

It has to be said, given how most of that centred on what was happening backstage, I'm giving this one a pass, because midgets are always fun.

Kane, Supergene & Doink The Clown def. Umaga, Viscera & Kevin Thorn in a "Goldust's loss is Eugene gain...I suppose..." match
Saving the best for last (well, the bar wasn't exactly raised high), Michelle McCool (sigh) did the announcing for our "main event". Kane was out first, and he was followed by Doink. Even Kane looked bemused. And then Eugene came out in a FANTASICALLY BAD Superman costume. Kevin thorn was out first for his team (and suddenly, I want Thorn vs. Kane...), who was followed by Viscera, and then finished off with Umaga. Originally, it was supposed to be Viscera, Umaga, Thorn & Doink against Kane, Shannon Moore, Kamala & Goldust, but for whatever reason, recent RFI guest, Dustin Rhodes, pulled out.

Doink and Thorn started us off (never thought I'd ever write that line), with Doink doing the "point at the face & cheer/point at the heel & boo" bit. Following up Thorn's aggression, he got fed up and started beating on the clown, stomping away on him in the corner. However, Kane hit Thorn with an uppercut, allowing Doink to recover and tag Eugene in. Umaga was tagged in by Thorn, and Eugene's blue suit somehow didn't suddenly turn brown, although he acted like it did. Umaga beat on Eugene. He was about to headbutt Eugene, but Viscera tagged himself in. Eugene got a few punches in, but Viscera hit the spinning sideslam, forcing Eugene to roll out the ring as we took a break.

We came back with Eugene still in the ring, but against Kevin Thorn, who hit a hard flapjack, but Kane broke up the pin. Umaga was tagged in, who put on a nerve hold on Eugene's neck. Eugene managed to stand up and fight out, but he ran into a Samoan Drop. Kane actually looked rather concerned as Umaga continued to punish the simpleton, as Cole, rather than Lawler, made the obvious kryptonite joke. Thorn was tagged in, where he put on a chinlock. Thorn gave it up, driving some knees into Gene's back before tagging in Umaga.

Eugene blocked a senton splash, and he managed to tag in Kane as Thorn came in. Kane worked on all three opponents, although Thorn took control for a few seconds. However, he took the sideslam, before Kane went up top, hitting the flying clothesline. He went for a pin, but Umaga broke it up. Doink & Eugene tired to get at Umaga, but didn't manage it. Thorn tagged in Viscera, but he missed a corner splash, with Kane hitting the chokeslam on the 500-pounder for the victory! Kane shot off his pyro as we took the final break.

6/10 - Given how on these occasions of SNME (especially in the usual late timeslot), the show usually runs backwards with the main event first, with things getting less important, it's kinda unfair to rate this as a main event. If it were opening the show, then this was perfectly, but even in saying "SNME runs backwards", you still have to have something to keep people up this late, and basically, the only things here to see where Eugene in his new ring gear and, if so inclined, Doink, so to see if you can figure out who was playing him on this occasion. Other than not, while it was a fine enough match in it's own right, the only thing it should be closed out is an episode of Heat. That said, once again, great aggression from Kevin Thorn, and I would like to see him move to Smackdown in the draft, to be honest.

And then...
We came back with Cole & Lawler introducing a package, recapping the night. Don't ask me why. You'd think they'd have timed the show properly. Not that it was a bad package. Pretty damn cool actually, but that was it. End of package. End of show.

OVERALL - 6/10 - This was a fairly decent show, and it did a pretty good job of pushing tomorrow’s PPV. However, after the Smackdown tag match, you definitely got the sense, they were just killing time until the show ran out of time. Hell, they even left enough time for a post-break recap at the end. I’m not saying that anything that came after that match was at all bad. Hell, even the segment with the Slutty Nitro Girls had a passable evening, just not enough to hold someone, especially since they are back in the late-night slot. If you tape this and watch it in the morning, I certainly don’t think you’ll have wasted your time in doing so. Hell, if you watch this as it goes out, you won’t feel as if you wasted your time. However, if you choose not to watch it at all, you shouldn’t worry at all about it.

That’s all I got for now, but if you have something to say about this week’s Smackdown, you can e-mail me at my BRAND SPANKING STONKING NEW E-mail address, or come hunt me down on the WWI Forums!
OR, you can find me along with the rest of the dribbling masses on MY OWN MYSPACE PAGE!

Well, I’ll be back soon enough, but for now, I believe I’ve fulfilled my contractual obligations. For reading this, And continuing to support World Wrestling Insanity, you’re cooler than the other side of the pillow…

I’m out.

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