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Smackdown: J & J Only Had ONE Job...

By Aaron Wood Mar 20, 2015 - 5:34 PM print


So, you want to know how Roman Reigns is truly not a main event of the upper echelon as smarks want to project that the WWE already thinks he is? Because he showed up on Smackdown. Opened the show in fact. Although when I say he opened the show, he barely got a "thank you for the reaction" out before Mark Henry came out to interrupt again. Henry said that Reigns impressed him last week, showing Roman spearing Mizark through the guard rail. Henry got what Henry thought he deserved and he was putting his money on Roman to beat Brock at Mania. They shook hands as The Authority (Rollins, Kane, Noble & Mercury) came out.

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SHART KLAXON!

Kane didn't believe what Henry was saying. Rollins teased cashing in at Mania, saying anything could happen at Mania. But actually Rollins wanted to come out as the world was talking about him and Randy Orton. That said, Randy Orton wouldn't be there on the show, as J & J Security had ensured that the arena was secure (And indeed, they showed a bunch of bits that had Jamie & Joey telling security people to keep an eye out for orton or anyone suspicious. They weren't comedic, except for Mercury being silent). But it wasn't for Seth's sake. It was for the benefit of Orton as his humiliation was coming at Mania. That said, Rollins was in the mood for a Mania "tune up", so Kane booked himself and Seth vs. Reigns & Henry in the main event.

And that was the plan. Right up until Henry's music played, for he didn't appear. After a nice long blast of Three Six Mafia, we picked things up backstage to see Mark Henry laid out cold backstage. At least it got Zack Ryder some TV time as a concerned onlooker. so that should shut him up for a while. And so J & J came out with Seth & Kane along with some security personnel, stationed watching the entrance just to make sure Orton wasn't getting to him. And of course it ended up as a handicap match. And not that long of one. The overwhelming numbers played into it almost immediately and much of the match was the heels working Roman over.

However, Reigns managed to start a comeback when he countered a splash by Rollins into the corner, hitting both men with clotheslines. He set for the Superman Punch after a slam, but Mercury ate it instead. Noble got knocked off the apron, but Rollins hung Roman off the top rope. Rollins came off the top rope, but dove right into the Superman Punch. Kane had tagged himself in though and he came in from behind and looked for a chokeslam. However, Reigns blocked that and hit the spear for the win.

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Not quite the full "Deadman", Roman, but keep trying...

After the match, and after Roman left, very obviously, Orton made his way from out of the crowd to get his hands on Rollins. He got some shots in, but then Security rushed him to take his signature moves before Noble & Mercury took RKOs while Rollins made his escape. The show ended with Rollins on stage, taking in Orton celebrating in the ring with the human carnage around ringside.

Now, as I noted last week, the Wrestlemania match that has gotten most traction on Smackdown has been the IC Title Ladder match between Wade Barrett & six other dudes. Well, this week, the six other dudes had a Gauntlet match to dick measure while Bad News Barrett Watched from backstage. First up was Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust. Some of the guys got to cut inset promos, and Stardust was one of them, cutting a line that all the smarks won't hear because they're too cool to watch Smackdown like they were the fan equivalent of John Cena, by way of "So many superstars and none of them matter" (matter as in spacial matter, you know, because he's a cosmos guy).

This match was just a couple of minutes long, but went back and forth. Ambrose had the rebound clothesline avoided and Stardust hit the Beautiful Disaster for a 2 count. However, when Stardust tried a sunset flip, Ambrose countered and sat down on Cody for the three count. After the match, Stardust attacked, sending Dean's shoulder into the ringpost a couple of times until R-Truth made the save, attacking Stardust and getting rid of him. However, as he was distracted with Cody, Ambrose hit an immediate Dirty Deeds to win again.

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Certain commentators have pointed out how Harper & Ambrose have recently been both wearing a grey vest and blue jeans. Because it's really hard to tell them apart otherwise...

The next guy out was Luke Harper, who got an inset promo to say he knew true freedom because he lost everything because "they" took the IC Title from him, but would piece himself back together at Mania. This was the match where Ambrose's bad shoulder came into play as when Harper took control of the match, he went to work on the arm and shoulder, using armbars and modified crossfaces. Ambrose started a comeback, but had to roll through a leap off the top rope, only to get a superkick for his trouble. While this bounced him off the ropes, with Dean hitting the rebound clothesline, when both men got up again, Harper hit hit discus clothesline and a sitout powerbomb for the win.

Daniel Bryan was next out. Suffice to say, all the paranoid minds who accused WWE of muting Bryan's reaction in post on last week's Smackdown (you know, despite it being entirely counter-intuitive to do so even if they didn't like him) then they sure showed how everyone was excited to see him. As for the match itself, we joined it as Bryan was kicking the leg out of Harper's leg before putting on a surfboard, pumping him up and down in a neat visual. However, after that, Luke blocked a kick and dumped Bryan to the outside to take control.

Bryan started a comeback after headscissoring Harper out and then hitting a suicide dive. Harper hit a German suplex that put Bryan right on his bad neck, beofre hitting the Discus Clothesline for a near fall. Harper looked for the sitout powerbomb, but Bryan countered it and locked on a heel hook on Harper's bad leg to take the victory, leaving us with Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler in the final match.

Ziggler got an inset promo, saying that the rest of them weren't as good as him and he'd bring the IC Title back to the top. The best part about the opening of this damned good match was Lawler on commentary noting that he wanted to see Dolph team up with Cody Rhodes, because that would make them...wait for it...ZIGGY STARDUST. If you don't know why that is awesome, take a long hard look at yourself. Anyway, Bryan and Dolph decided they'd give us a taste of the match they suggested they should have had at Mania.

I would say there was a heel in this match, but if there was one, it was definitely Bryan. During the break, albeit not shown, Bryan sent Ziggler into the ringpost. Bryan then crotched Dolph on the top turnbuckle. Ziggler turned the resulting attempted back superplex into a crossbody. Bryan tried athe running knee, but Dolph hit a superkick instead for a nearfall. Bryan caught Ziggler with a Yes Lock attempt, but Ziggler was able to escape. They fought over a backslide, won by bryan, who picked up a two count. However, coming out of that, Ziggler ducked a kick to the head and hit the ZigZag for the win.

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UGH! Dolph is handling a turd!

After the match, the pair shook hands before Bad News Barrett came out saying they had stolen the show like they had all tried to steal his title. He then popped Dolph with the microphone. Bryan went after Wade, but Wade popped him with the talking stick as well. He then gave both men the Bullhammer to stand tall heading into the go-home week.

The match that opened the show saw the Wrestlemania Divas get a chance as Paige & Brie Bella went at it in the ring in the opposite match from RAW while AJ Lee & Nikki Bella went at it on guest commentary...

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Nnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

OK, AJ wasn't as soul-crushingly "too cool for this shitty school" about being out there as she normally always is, In fact, almost miraculously, it didn't get too clusterfucky. That said, AJ talked about her and Paige teaming up, saying they represented one part of the locker room, although some saw things the Bellas way. Nikki said that AJ was just pissed that she wasn't the voice of the Divas any more. It didn't last long, as Brie had control for most of the match, but suddenly Paige hooked Brie in a pin and picked up the win.

Later in the show, they asked the rest of the Divas who they thought would win the match at Wrestlemania. The heels picked the heels. Emma and Summer Rae (I think she's a heel, but, well, they otherwise ran out of women) picked AJ & Paige. Naomi got to speak last and made the leap of logic in saying that she hoped the Bellas won because she would then get a shot at Nikki's title. Not entirely sure how the Bellas losing makes Naomi any less of a contender, especially if Nikki isn't the one pinned (and because Naomi hasn't exactly earned one recently), but whatever. And Natalya was seemingly unavailable.

That might be because she was involved in the other match of the night in an "inter-species" six-"thing" match. No, neither I or the WWE is suggesting that Natalya isn't even human. That would be in reference to El Torito, as Nattie, Cesaro & Tyson Kidd took on Los Matadores & El Torito. Natalya tagged herself in after Cesaro got worked over by Fernando. This meant El Torito had to come in to face her. Before they could touch though, Kidd tagged himself in, bringing in Diego. We got left with Natalya & El Torito as the legal participants in the match and while he/it gave him a spinning arm drag, when he came off the top rope, she caught the bull and gave Torito a sitout powerbomb for the win.

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If this were Lucha Underground, this match would have already been rated 5-Stars. Because, that's why.

QUICK RESULTS:
Paige def. Brie Bella
Dean Ambrose def. Stardust in a Gauntlet match
Dean Ambrose def. R-Truth in a Gauntlet match
Luke Harper def. Dean Ambrose in a Gauntlet match
Daniel Bryan def. Luke Harper in a Gauntlet match
Dolph Ziggler def. Daniel Bryan in a Gauntlet match
Cesaro, Tyson Kidd & Natalya def. Los Matadores & El Torito in a Six-thing Interspecies tag match
Roman Reigns def. Kane & Seth Rollins



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