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Smackdown: No More Limes Or Lobsterheads...

By Aaron Wood Apr 3, 2015 - 11:09 AM print

So yeah, Sheamus is back.  OK, this is maybe, JUST MAYBE, not the most important thing coming out of this Wrestlemania week, but given that it was the main event of this episode of Smackdown, let's talk about it.  Love the mohawk.  No arguments there.  Not 100% on board with the beard braids yet.  I look at them and can only thing "Droz".  That said, at least it's different to every other guy having a great big unkempt beard, so it's at least different.  And now he's got a whole new presentation to go along with the new look, with new entrance music and staging of his entrance.

The music is just great.  I want it on iTunes ASAP. ***Check iTunes...Bugger...*** They've also changed the presentation of the entrance, playing an intro in darkness, but for his titantron, to crash on the lights with him posing.  During the show, they showed Sheamus' attack on Bryan & Ziggler a couple of times, and the announcers here noted that Sheamus picked on Ziggler more and was unable to go, ehnce why the announced tag match was now just a match against Bryan while Wade took up commentary.

Before Bryan came out, Sheamus cut a promo about his motivations nowadays.  Basically all the "real men" had disappeared and while the likes of Bryan and Ziggler were good, they made Kevin Hart look like Shaq and were runts who couldn't hang in main events.  And he was putting all the underdogs out of their misery.  Bryan came at Sheamus early, kicking and working over Sheamus' legs.  And Bryan was laying it in, causing Sheamus to take a powder to reconsider things.  And that helped as he soon hit a backbreaker to take control.

After a break, Sheamus flipped Bryan over from a suplex position.  Never seen that move before.  He mocking asked if the crowd was entertained.  He back Bryan in mockingly pawed at him, forcing Bryan to fire up and start a comeback, before sending Sheamus outside and hitting a suicide dive. Missile dropkick by Bryan was followed by a kip up.  He laid in some kicks, but Shemaus caught one and looked for White Noise.  Bryan avoided that and looked for the Yes Lock, but Shemaus avoided that himself.

So basically, Sheamus is going to start every match a punk rocker and end it like he's from Twin Atlantic or some shit...

Bryan ended up crotched on the top turnbuckle where Sheamus hit some uppercuts before working over Bryan's neck with a twisting neckbraker.  He went for the 10 Beats OF The Bodhrán, but Bryan blocked it after the third and hit a whole bunch of headbutts as he's suddenly want to do.  Sheamus knocked him off the apron, at which point we saw that Bryan was now bleeding.  However, while Sheamus had the referee's attention, Wade got up and hit Bryan with a Bullhammer.  Sheamus left the ring and toyed with the notion of rolling Bryan back into the ring, but just dropped him down again and took the countout win.  The show ended with Sheamus, stomach covered in Bryan's blood, leaving up the ramp laughing at Bryan, who was being attended to by medics.

So, very obviously, the most important part of Wrestlemania was that we ended up with a new champion and it wasn't Roman Reigns, but his former Shield bretheren, Seth Rollins.  Now while he may be WWE World Champion, he's still not tippy top, as he not only showed up on Smackdown, but opened the show, coming out with Noble, Mercury, Kane & Big Show.  Rollins said it felt so good when a plan worked out perfectly.  No the best Hannibal impression I've ever heard, but whatever.

He cashed in his briefcase, he beat Roman Reigns & Brock Lesnar and became champion and new face of WWE.  But it wasn't all about being the best in the ring, because he hopped on a jet, flew to New York to be on the today show and then flew all the way back again for RAW where Brock was waiting.  And hell, he was jet-lagged and wouldn't be at his best.  Hell, He'd face Brock right now, but whoppsie, Brock done got himself suspended.

Lawler & Saxton wonder how in the hell Brock's F5 made Cole younger.

The man who beat Rollins at Wrestlemania, Randy Orton (accompanied by his elbowpads) made his way out, to remind that that Seth went 1 & 1 at Mania, has been owed a rematch for the WWE Title for a whole year and since Brock wasn't around any more, that put him at the top of the shortlist for a title match.  Rollins wondered why we should dwell in the past when he was stood in the ring, and in Seth's WWE, he alone decided where and when the next title match happens.  Orton wondered who Seth was trying to kid.  He never did anything himself.  He got why J & J Security leeched off him.  But Big Show & Kane?  How did they end up as lapdogs for The Authority?

Props to Big Show.  He won the Andre Battle Royal.  But what did Kane do at Wrestlemania?  Where you even there?  And what did Kane really do anyway?  Kane went formt he Big Red Monster to Little Red Riding Hood.  Kane grabbed Seth's mic and booked Orton to face Big Show.  If Orton could possibly win it, he might consider granting Orton a title match.  And in true Teddy-Long-always-booked-the-same-match-style, Kane went to his wheelhouse.  The match was starting right there and then.

The match almost immediately saw Orton drag Big Show over the top rope for the draping DDT.  And with good reason, because as he set for the RKO, The Authority rushed the ring and started putting the boots to Randall.  Orton fired back and tried to get at Rollins, but the numbers were too much, with Kane hittingt a chokeslam.  Ryback ran down to make the save, and it ended up with Noble getting a Shell Shock and Mercury & Kane taking RKOs.

And what kids, is how in 2015, a team by the name of the "Needlessly Bulky Elbowpad Guys" was born...

A little later in the show, we caught up with Rollins & kane in the office.  Seth said he loved that Kane let Orton think he was getting a title shot, but Kane said he was actually considering it.  He was the Director Of Operations and he had the power to make matches.  And Extreme Rules was less than four weeks away.  Kane asked if Seth was worried.  They then noticed a bad smell, at which point they were greeted by Dean Ambrose who had just gone done using Kane's personal toilet.  Kane booked him against Luke Harper, which Dean was quite happy about.

That took place later in the show, with them brawling for the first few minute before a break where Harper had taken control, although Harper missed a big boot to the corner right after.  Dean dived out, but Harper blocked it and shoved him back, although Ambrose spun round and hit a clothesline.  Dean was hit by a big boot, and luke looked to finish, although Ambrose avoided it and dumped Harper out.  Dean followed but was tossed into the timekeeper's area.  Harper then pulled the announce desk awat.  Ambrose hit a clothesline  and wanted to powerbomb Harper through the table.  But Harper blocked that and posted Dean twice before powerbombing Ambrose through the table.  The match ended there for all intents and purposes although there was no announcement of any DQ or anything.

It was at that moment Dean realised he needed to revisit Kane's crapper.

And hark, when the word was that the main roster Divas were annoyed at the freedom and buzz the NXT women were getting the call rang out from the world's tallest midget world that is the "smart marks" #GiveDivasAChance, and to an extent the WWE, and the "smart marks" rejoiced by attending their annual gathering that is known as the "RAW After Wrestlemania", where they showed their appreciation of their achievements by telling the women in the ring whose penis they were in an adult relationship with and thus clearly went to work on on a regular basis.


Anyway, Naomi pinned Nikki Bella in the six-diva tag, and on this Smackdown, Naomi faced off against Natalya while the Bellas were on commentary.  Naomi got an inset promo noting that to her, pinning Nikki showed she could beat and then be the Divas champion.  And until then, she would prove it every night.  Natiie dominated early, putting on an abdominal stretch, Naomi broke out and looked to reverse, nut Nattie wasn't having it.  Natalya looked for the sharpshooter, but Naomi escaped that and hit the headscissors DDT for the win.  Naomi & the Bellas had a staredown after the match.

Natalya & Naomi's longest headstand conpetition was reaching it's thrilling, nail-biting climax...

Not only did we crown a new WWE and IC Champion at Mania, but we also got ourselves a new US Champion.  And Cena kicked off his reign by announmcing he would be having an open challenge, answered on Monday by Dean Ambrose.  Well, Cena embraced his new midcard status by showing up on Smackdown to cut a celebration promo.  He said that before Mania, that him winning the title was his revolution and the US Title would now get the respect it deserves.  Not to take anything from Rusev as an athlete, but every time he opened his mouth he was the world's biggest *bleeped*.

The irony was that Rusev was the American Dream personified, but was he grateful?  No, he told us how much he sucks.  And America doesn't suck.  He was proud of America and the US Title.  It was the land of opportunity.  And that's what the title represented.  Each and every week, he would issue an open challenge.  He would fight them all.

At this point. Rusev and Lana came out.  Lana began to speak, but Rusev grabbed the mic out of her hand.  Staring at Lana, Rusev said he didn't lose on Sunday.  He was still America's champion, a super athlete and a Russian tank.  And Cena wasn't a hero, but a coward.  This was Rusev's world.  Cena said he was dumb, blind and drunk.  Rusev issued the challenge for a rematch at Extreme Rules.  Cena said he got his ass kicked and if Rusev wanted to get it on, bring it on.  Rusev called for the Russian flag to drop, but nothing happened.  Cena asked for whatever it was to drop to drop, revealing a US Flag.  Cena started singing one of the 8746 anthems, but very quickly turned it into a promo pledging to kick Rusev's ass at Extreme Rules.

Damn it...He didn't bring back the spinny belt...

Now, Rusev may have lost at Mania, but after all the hype, probably the biggest loser (albeit done int he best way possible) was Roman Reigns.  Now, it might be that the reaction was so veciferously dickish on RAW, but on Smackdown, they kept Roman Reigns away from the live crowd and instead had the weekly sitdown interview with him this week, with Byron Saxton in Michael Cole's place.  He spoke about how he showed that he was willing to get the piss smacked out of him, and yet came back for more, even smiling in Brock's face.  He also talked about how he came so close to beating Lesnar before Rollins cashed in, pushing Roman off the top of the mounting.  But he could, has before and will beat Rollins again.

The other match on the show saw The Miz facing R-Truth.  The Miz won pretty quickly with the Skull Crushing Finale.  However, as Miz sootd there celebrating with his arms aloft, Damien Mizdow grabbed him from behind and hit the Skull Crushign Finale before yelling at his fallen foe, in a mirror image of what happened on RAW.

Little Spike Dudley in the crowd enjoying R-Truth's entrance there...

The only nother notable segment on the show was a pre-taped interview with the Prime Time Players who ragged on The New Day, albeit in a babyface way, or at least that's how the crowd treated it.  They noted that Big E perspires, they noted Kofi's sunken chest and Darren Young said that Xavier's hair was "nappy" and "if your hair's nappy, ain't nobody happy!"  They then mocked the "New Day!" chant to crickets and then their own catchphrases.

Randy Orton def. Big Show by DQ
Naomi def. Natalya
The Miz def. R-Truth
Luke Harper & Dean Ambrose went to a No Contest
Sheamus def. Daniel Bryan by Countout

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