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Smackdown Review: No Touching!

By Aaron Wood Dec 7, 2012 - 5:51 PM print


LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Kane & Daniel Bryan showed they had some cohesion beaten into them the previous Monday, Damien Sandow became quizmaster, 3MB rocked the Usos and Cena kept his post-match promise and got to beat up Big Show into the bargain!

Well, there's four more Fridays left this year, and thusly, once again, this December will see my countdown of the songs I've played the most that have been logged in iTunes that have been released in 2012, starting this week with Numbers 20 to 16.  And as with the videos themselves, I've again tried to avoid the normal music video and used somehting a bit different, like a live version.  Well, they're mostly live versions.

THIS WEEK…
We kicked off not with a "Tonight..." video, but a recap package of the end of last Monday's RAW with The Shield being fended off by Ryback and Hell No before Ryback killed CM Punk, leading to the announcement that with Punk's injury & surgery, the TLC match had been made Hell No & Ryback vs. The Shield.

Kinda says it all in the title of the article. I mean, I can't use the same heading twice...
We then cold opened anyway (Suck it 7Lions...) with Booker T in the ring ready for a signing. Booker said that in his career, when business has needed taking care off, he's done it in the ring. Or in the back. Or in the street. Or even in a supermarket (***nudge nudge wink wink***). He knows that as GM, it's his responsibility to give the fans a great show every week. And with Big Show & Sheamus, it's personal, and when it's personal, it's physical, so Booker was doing something drastic. He cued up footage of Sheamus & Big Show fighting in the parking lot before Survivor Series. We then went to Survivor Series where Sheamus hit Big Show with a chair Not-31-But-Enough-Anyway times.

Booker said in 9 days, they'd go one on one in a Chairs match at the TLC PPV. But Booker was afraid it wasn't going to happen. So he was making them sign a "no contact" cluase until the PPV. So basically... (come on, like this wasn't gonna happen...)



And how was he going to do that? Talk to each of them backstage? No... Booker was going to get the two men he doesn't want touching each other for 9 days and have them sit, in an enclosed square, across a table from each other. Genius!

So he brought out Big Show & Sheamus. He told them if his edict was disobeyed, Sheamus would lose his title shot or Big Show would be stripped of the title. They sat down and Sheamus spoke first saying that waiting nine days to whoops Show's ass was like waiting for Xmas and it would come early as he got the ultimate present, the World Title.

Big Show said the purpose of the contract was to make sure that Sheamus made it to the PPV in one piece. That was the Xmas gift. Sheamus hit show with that chair, what, 25-30 times (25's still too high Show, but at least it's closer...) but he still got up. What's gonna happen when he himself has a chair in his hand. He just needs to hit Sheamus once. The worst thing he could have done was ask for a chairs match. But Sheamus was too stupid to realise what he was doing. Show might happily end Sheamus' career. Show thought things through. Sheamus was all "fire & vinegar" and just wanted to fight...

Sheamus said he came to WWE for fights, and their last two have been the best of Show's career. And there was one more in Show. He said he'd gladly end Show's career at TLC too. Big Show then got to signing the contract. Although not before shoving the table in Sheamus' face, signing the document quickly and then literally hiding behind it as Sheamus got up to break the deal he signed a few minutes previous.

Booker told Sheamus that if he wanted to kick someone's ass, he could do it later against Alberto Del Rio. Booker than turned to Show and said he was facing the dude who beat him in 45 seconds, Daniel Bryan. Didn't they have a match a couple of weeks ago where the stated aim was to show it wouldn't happen again? Anyway, that match was after the commercial break, represented here by the 20th most played song of 2012 by me.


20: Bloc Party - "Octopus"

Big Show def. Daniel Bryan in a "Well, I guess that there was an injustice to Big Show???" match
We came back for the opening bell. They started off striking, Big Show with blows and Bryan with kicks. This stopped with a bodyslam by Show as he took control of the match until Big Show bounced off the ropes and Bryan dropkicked the leg out from under him. Bryan hit a plancha that actually knocked Show down. He was then sent into the ring steps, but as Bryan tried to come off the apron with the flying knee, he took a slap to the chest.

We returned with Big Show firmly and fully in control of things. Big Show took a page from Alberto Del Rio's playbook (well, it's the ONLY page in the playbook. It's more of a play-pamphlet...) and worked over Bryan's arm. Bryan blocked a charge before hitting a flying knee from the second rope, followed by a couple of running dropkicks. Show wanted a chokeslam, but Bryan turned it into a DDT for a quick 2 count. Bryan went up for the diving headbutt when we saw The Shield making their way down the stairs. The distraction allowed Big Show to grab Bryan and chokeslam him for the win.

The Shield waited for Big Show to leave the ring before going to work on Bryan. Just like Monday, Ryback was called for, but not gotten. Kane did come out however. But once again, the numbers were too much and as things spilled outside, amazingly, the announce table went bye-bye early as the trio put Kane through it. Good match, if entirely predictable as to what was going to happen. But that said, it's not as if it didn't make a ton of sense.

I should also note that the announce desk was immediately rebuilt. Which probably leaves the Spanish guys saying "Eh, hoe come we don't get any new tables???" But in Spanish, obviously...


19: Lana Del Rey - "Born To Die"

One dumb plant and one bad (although not necessarily by his own making) babyface...
Sandow was in the ring after the break. He went over how trying to make everyone more intelligent was an epic fail and so he was going to take on an apprentice. He picked someone in a Santino jersey. As if someone who is a supporter of a member of Team Retard would make it...

Question 1 was 5+5, which equals 10. Second question was about the current President. Barack Obama, obviously. The third was asking the name of the genre of 17th century Dutch art depicting morality and transience. Which is, duh, Vanitas. Three sets of questions and I'm still batting 1.000. These questions are way too easy.

Anyway, the plant couldn't get it, so he was dismissed. Sandow was about to leave when The Miz came out. Miz wanted a question. Which 21st century WWE superstar wears daddy's bathrobe and buys his pink trunks from Victoria Secret. The answer was Damien Sandow. You're welcome. The crowd cheered and Miz left. That was that. I guess we're getting a Sandow/Miz program where the eventual apprentice will be revealed by costing Miz the big match. Or at least that's assuming there is going to be a payoff of an apprentice. This could be just as easily an exercise in getting heat for a while until Cody comes back.

The announcers took us back to Monday and the tag match with Cena & Sheamus against Big Show & Dolph Ziggler and the stereo finishers. This would end up leading to the making of Cena vs. Ziggler in a MITB Ladder match thanks to Vince cajoling Vickie.

3MB def. The Usos & Brodus Clay in a "See, Drew wrestles and Drew wins. It's as simple as that..." match
Brodus Clay headed out first, but Jimmy & Jey came out with him, leading to the five dancing away. Broddus seemed to be into doing Gangnam Style while the Usos danced with Cameron & Naomi. After the break, the funk finally ended to be replaced with some rock. While it was a six-man tag match, Drew still had his cast on. Slater and Jey Uso started things off. Jey knocked Slater down as he then tagged in Jimmy for a splash. However, Slater drove Jimmy into his corner and tagged in McIntyre. Drew worked over Jimmy, but after throwing up the rock horns at Brodus, Jimmy was able to escape McIntyre's clutches and tag in Clay.

Brodus knocked down Heath & Jinder before tossing Drew around. However, he then tagged in Jimmy Uso rather than follow up himself. Mahal & Slater pulled Clay off the apron, and in the commotion, Jimmy Uso jumped on the pile. In the meantime, Jey was about to come off the top rope, but Drew crotched him before hitting the Futureshock for the win. Even in it's brevity, it was a fun match. Of course, my opinions are entirely coloured by the fact it was Drew picking up the winning pinfall. So, you know....

Matt Striker was with Wade Barrett. Matt brought up RAW with The Shield beating on Orton. Wade said he didn't have to worry about them tonight. He had to worry about Wade. It was about a year ago that Wade threw Randy down a flight of stairs. And tonight, he'd put Orton out of his misery.


18: Lana Del Rey - "Video Games"

Back from break, we saw that Kofi Kingston was on announcing with Josh & JBL.

Randy Orton def. Wade Barrett in a "Shouldn't this be a three way now, using smark logic?" match
Back and forth opening sequence. Things went outside after a few minutes and Orton met the steel steps. Orton caught Wade coming back in and wanted the Elevated DDT, but Wade stepped through the ropes, sent Orton to the apron and mule kicked him off it as we took a break. After the break, Wade stayed in control while continuing to mug it up to Kofi at ringside every chance he got.

Orton avoided an elbow drop from the second rope, which allowed Orton to hit his "vintage" offence. The RKO was blocked, and he went to expose the turnbuckle. Kofi got up from the desk and tried to holler at the referee which distracted Wade. As Kofi jumped down off the apron, Wade turned around and got hit by the RKO after all for the three. This was fine. Not their best, but not bad at all.

The announcers spoke about the "Breaking News" of CM Punk's knee surgery before we saw Great Khali and Natalya walking the halls. So I guess that was the start of something after all and not just a one time thing that everyone else read too much into when Khali and Natalya weren't all over each other the very next time we saw either one of them.


17: Muse - "Supremacy"

The Great Khali & Hornswoggle def. Primo & Epico in a "Remember that month of a tag team division push?" match
Primo, now doing his best to sport a gay-ass mohawk, started off with Khali, which naturally did not go well for Colon. Rosa got on the apron to complain. After she got down again, she decided to jiggle her tits and dance a little. No really. A rather jarring shift of attitude... I'M ANGRY! Watch the twins... That was until she stepped backwards and tripped over Hornswoggle.

Rosa chased the little dude but was stopped when Natalya leapfrogged him and clotheslined her, starting a catfight. Meanwhile, Primo was still being killed. However, Khali missed a boot in the corner and slowly tumbled to the outside. So Primo pulled Hornswoggle in the ring. Primo & Epico menaced him until Hornswoggle, erm, swoggled up and gave them a gun show. He then ran under their leg so they turned round right into Khali. Overhand chops to each of them before the Tadpole Splash on Primo won it. It was what it was. Natalya and Hornswoggle jigged while Khali did his one dance move.

The RAW Rebound was the main event segment with the lie detector test, before we once again were given the notice that the Punk vs. Ryback match was off and made Hell No & Ryback vs. The Shield for the show instead.

They then sent it to a video, apparently made by The Shield. They introduced themselves before saying that Punk's lie detector test was injust, hence the beat down of Miz. They said Orton had taken advantage of Brad Maddox, so got what was coming. They then told Ryback that he had been put on a pedestal. So they were knocking him down. Some very weird editing. Almost reminiscent of those early heralded nWo PSAs. They told Hell No & Ryback to bring the tables, ladders and chair as they would bring the sword.

There's a whole lot of Truthin' going on....
Cesaro came out as we saw the match graphic for his match against R-Truth at the PPV. He said that what he had leaned about was that it was weak. It used to be a superpower and there was the American Dream. That was a lie, because none of the fans would amount to anything. They used to pursue the American Dream. Now they just look like him (bringing up a picture of Dusty Rhodes, in the polka dots, on the screen. You know...because he's fat).

The sad thing was that the children and grand children of the fans would be more pathetic than they are. And that's the truth. And so was this. The guy anyway. Truth said Cesaro didn't need a new purse or a "Riccola", but a dose of the truth. Around here, the truth shall set you free. When he looked across America, he sees hard-working people in the face of hard times, busting their asses trying to make ends meet. It sounded like, to Truth, that Cesaro was picking a fight with America. And the thing is, America fights back.

Cesaro said Truth was what was wrong with America. He talked trash but couldn't back it up. Truth was delusional. Not because of Little Jimmy, but because he thought he could win the US Title, but failing miserably. And that's the truth. Truth got in the ring, saying when you kick his dog, he'd kick your cat. They got into a brief fight before Cesaro managed to escape, albeit leaving his US Title behind.


16: Gorillaz (Feat. Andre 3000 & James Murphy) - "Do Ya Thing"

Shemaus def. Alberto Del Rio in an "I bet the last thing Ricardo expected to taste that night was those..."
Alberto came out first and as Sheamus followed, Alberto & Ricardo mocked Big Show tipping the table into Sheamus earlier in the show. Sheamus forced Del Rio out early but when he got back in the ring, he got control of thing, getting Sheamus down in the corner. However, Sheamus blocked a charge and hit a neckbreaker for 2.

Once again, Del Rio bailed out to take a break from the beat, but Sheamus stayed on him, ramming his head into the announce desk. Del Rio tried to catch Sheamus on the way back in, but Sheamus wanted a suplex out. However, Del Rio avoided it and dropkicked Sheamus' legs off the apron. Big Show showed up on stage to take a watch as we took a break.

Del Rio was working, you guessed it, the arm as we came back. He gave Sheamus a bodyslam before going to the second rope and hitting, of all things, a moonsault for a 2 count. But hey, rather than continue to mix things up, Del Rio went back to the arm until Sheamus punched his way out. Sheamus ptu Alberto up top before putting on the Armbreaker over the ropes. Alberto went up top, but he jumped into a double axe handle.

This started Sheamus on a comeback. Even a missed Del Rio charge allowed him to hit the clubs to the chest. The Battering Ram off the top rope connected and picked up a 2 count. The Irish Curse was elbowed out of and turned into a backcracker for a 2 count. Del Rio signalled for the Armbreaker, but it was avoided. So was White Noise and Brogue Kick, with Sheamus getting caught up in the ropes. An enziguri to the head scored a deuce. Del Rio went up for the moonsault again. While Sheamus rolled out the way, Del Rio rolled through. However, he ran into the Irish Curse and locked on the Texas Cloverleaf for the win. Good match with Del Rio even busting out a couple of new things and not entirely concentrating on the arm. Nice to see them have a different finishing sequence than White Noise & Brogue Kick though...

Big Show walked to the ring, giving Sheamus a golf clap. Big Show goaded Sheamus to take a free shot. Sheamus got mightily tempted, but rather than hit a Brogue Kick, he grabbed Ricardo Rodriguez (who was in the ring tending to Alberto), tossing Ricardo's head right into Big Show's plums. Big Show went down like a sack of spuds and Sheamus couldn't quite believe his lucky shot as the show ended.

Pretty fun show all in all.



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