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Could You Be a Southpaw Regional Wrestler?

By James Bullock Jul 7, 2017 - 7:31 AM print


If you call yourself a genuine professional wrestling fan you’d know this year marks the thirtieth anniversary of Southpaw Regional Wrestling meeting its apparent demise (there were a few reunion shows in the early 90s before those things became the norm on the indie scene – cutting edge SRW was). Thankfully there appears to be some remnants of this long-forgotten, yet fantastic product being dug up from basement of Dr. Craig Armstrong Smith 3rd & sold by his grandchildren including this one-of-a-kind survey sheet that was given to every potential Southpaw wrestler looking to get in on the ground floor of greatness. So if you ever wanted to know if you had what it took to make in SRW now’s your chance to find out.

What item are you proudest of in your wardrobe?

  1. Cowboy boots made from the belly of a baby crocodile

  2. A green jacket bought by your significant other that your rival can’t afford

  3. A full-body, Elvis-inspired jumpsuit

  4. Your Southpaw Regional Wrestling t-shirt that gave you ringworm


Why would a long-time friend turn against you?

  1. Saying mean things to your so-called “brother”

  2. Jealousy of your blue Chevy with a 350 under the hood & dual exhaust

  3. Stealing potential love interests before your friend can make a move

  4. Impregnating Susie behind your friend’s back


Where do you spend you time at following a long, hard day of work?

  1. The KFC by the high school

  2. The farm you bought from Mr. Mackelroy (who stole it from Big Bartholomew)

  3. Rusty’s Pool Hall

  4. The County Fair with the busted teacup ride


What’s your favorite food?

  1. KFC Georgia Gold Honey Mustard BBQ chicken

  2. KFC Georgia Gold Honey Mustard BBQ chicken (Whoo)

  3. (Whoo) KFC Georgia Gold Honey Mustard BBQ chicken

  4. KFC (Whoo) Georgia Gold (Whoo) Honey Mustard (Whoo) BBQ chicken (Whoo)


What’s your greatest talent?

  1. Surfing

  2. Impressive pelvic gyrations

  3. Mas rapido

  4. Impersonating Ric Flair


What do you spend most of your day thinking about?

  1. Your significant other that left you (Susan, call me, please!)

  2. Your dream job in Utica, NY that only lasted six weeks

  3. Missing your father who may or may not be dead

  4. Whether or not you should check the calendar to see if it’s a leap year


If you wanted to get revenge on someone you would…

  1. Send bad dudes like Bad News Allen & Freddie Blassie to blind & cripple their target

  2. Buy & sell a farmer’s farm because the farmer can’t fill out the proper forms

  3. Capture & train a sea creature to fight for you

  4. Trick an partially illiterate individual into signing a contract to fight a sea creature in a Chain match


What is your catchphrase?

  1. “I’m ready for a fight.”

  2. “They work hard for the chickens – we eat chickens!”

  3. “What they should really be afraid of is that I’m crazy!”

  4. “Get your s*** together!”


What would you fight for?

  1. A championship belt that you left in the locker room (cardinal sin, kid)

  2. The microphone

  3. All your neighbors who fought for their farms in the 1900s

  4. Enough money to buy a fake mustache that actually sticks to one’s face


What’s your favorite astronomical event?

  1. Lunar eclipse

  2. Solar eclipse

  3. Full moon

  4. Leap year


What would your entrance music sound like?

  1. Someone playing the world’s smallest violin

  2. A power love ballad featuring lyrics like, “And what do I do when I’m kissing her?”

  3. 1980s style glam rock with guitar riffs aplenty

  4. Banjo strumming


What’s your finisher or finisher combination?

  1. Big Boot & Lariat

  2. An arm bar that can’t be broken for two & a half hours

  3. Eye biting with your sharpened teeth

  4. Whatever bland maneuver someone like that microphone-hogging John Johnson would use (that kid’s never going to make it in this business)




Scoring: 1. A - 4, B - 3, C - 2, D - 1
2. A - 1, B - 4, C - 2, D - 3
3. A - 3, B - 4, C - 2, D - 1
4. A - 1, B - 2, C - 3, D - 4
5. A - 2, B - 1, C - 4, D - 3
6. A - 3, B - 4, C - 2, D - 1
7. A - 2, B - 1, C - 4, D - 3
8. A - 1, B - 4, C - 3, D - 2
9. A - 2, B - 1, C - 4, D - 3
10. A - 3, B - 1, C - 2, D - 4
11. A - 2, B - 4, C - 3, D - 1
12. A - 4, B - 3, C - 2, D - 1


20 Points or Fewer – I’m sorry, but you’re just not cut out to wrestle for the greatest company this side of the Mississippi. I hear Rusty’s Pool Hall needs someone to clean out the crapper when Big Bartholomew comes to town.
21-36 Points – You’ve got potential. We could start you off as a gopher, cleaning up the arena after Tex Ferguson and Chad 2 Badd tear the house down and have all the girls throwing their panties at them, and maybe even have you bump around for La Barba Grande when we debut him.
37 Points or Higher – Where have you been all this time (probably eating that tangy, tasty, crunchy KFC Georgia Gold Honey Mustard BBQ chicken)? You got what it takes to not only work in Southpaw, but also beat that John Johnson kid for the Southpaw Regional Heavyweight Championship and propel this company to new heights. Watch out, New York, Southpaw’s coming for you thanks to this kid.




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