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What The Top 40 Has Taught Me About Teenage Girls

By Mike Johns Dec 12, 2012 - 8:02 AM print

If there's anything that popular music has taught me over the years, it's that there are a lot, and I mean a LOT of catty-ass bitches in the world, the majority of which seem to be, sadly enough, teenage girls. Whether they're talking smack about you behind your back, exposing your dark secrets to the world in song, attempting to steal your boyfriend away from you, or plotting her revenge on an ex-boyfriend and the slightly less psychotic nightmare he's with now, it seems that, according to the world of popular music, the average teenage girl is little more than a selfish, manipulative liar that will stoop to just about any level in order to get what she wants.

This trend, sadly, goes all the way back to the beginnings of rock and roll, and a song performed by Lesley Gore about some jerk named Johnny who ditched her at a party for a girl named Judy...

After "It's My Party" became a hit, Gore followed it up with a sequel, as was the trend back in those days. In the follow-up, "Judy's Turn to Cry," we learn that Lesley, who's so over Johnny at this point, sees him at another party, kissing Judy. Lesley then decides to pull some random guy to the side and kiss him, which prompts Johnny to get all jealous and hit the guy. Because of this, Lesley gets back together with the idiot, leaving the allegedly evil Judy to cry now that Johnny's gone. Never mind the poor bastard that Johnny punched in the face for no good reason, who probably didn't know Lesley from Eve and ended up getting dragged into all of this because Lesley's an insecure bitch who wanted to make her ex jealous. Lesley and Johnny are back together. Meanwhile, we're treated to a song in which Lesley celebrates the sorrow of her rival, taunting Judy in her heartbreak.

A more recent example is seen with the UK pop star, Cher Lloyd , and her first US hit single, "Want You Back," in which the vile, manipulative Lloyd dumps her hapless sack of a boyfriend, only to get all pissy when he actually manages to rebound and starts dating another girl...

Never mind how, in the first line of the song, Cher says, straight up, that she didn't think the boy in question had much going for him. Never mind that the only reason she wants the boy back now is because he's with someone else. Unfortunately, the boy in this song doesn't do himself any favors, as it turns out he's just as vile and manipulative as Cher, making sure that Cher saw every last bit of his new relationship, just like Lesley Gore did to Random, Unnamed Guy in "Judy's Turn to Cry." So, you have this self-absorbed bitch who dumps a guy because she doesn't think he's worth much, getting pissed off because he didn't go all emo and try and kill himself over her or whatever. Meanwhile, you have the guy here being a total emo douche, using this Random, Unnamed Girl the same way Emo Spider-Man used Gwen Stacey in the Jazz Club in Spider-Man 3 to make Mary Jane jealous...

Speaking of totally emo douche baggery...

John Mayer, who may as well be a teenage girl with the way he seemingly goes through girl after girl on some sort of mission to dick with every hot young starlet that comes along. One seriously has to wonder, once you really look at his dating record in the years since he's managed to become famous, if he isn't simply living out a band geek's revenge fantasy, using the likes of Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, and now, even Katy freaking Perry to exact his revenge on the prom queen that refused to acknowledge him once upon when. Because, apparently, writing the quintessential "F*ck You, High School" song just wasn't enough for John Mayer...

This, of course, brings us to our next fun little example, Taylor Swift. While most of the mainstream listening public may only know Swift for her woefully naive songs about fairy tale romances...

... fans more familiar with Taylor's run as a contemporary country artist know that the supposedly innocent and naive Miss Swift also has something of a mean streak, especially when it comes to those she feels have wronged her...

Seriously, you have to go to the likes of Beyonce to find another woman who can just as quickly and decisively dress down a lesser being in mere words...

So, obviously, the poor sap being taken apart in this song by the lovely Miss Swift just happens to be, surprise, surprise - John Mayer.

Now, you're likely thinking, just like most of the world did just moments after a drunken Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards a few years ago, that Taylor Swift is completely innocent, here. John Mayer had to have done something terrible to this sweet, young, innocent girl to deserve this, right? Well, see... Taylor Swift probably isn't as nice a girl as her image makes her out to be.

Case and Point, her first major hit single, "You Belong to Me," a song where the lovely Miss Swift maliciously plots to steal away a boy from his supposedly controlling girlfriend. She basically obsesses over this boy to the point of stalking him, seeming to make up reasons as to why this boy belongs with her along the way. We never really learn why this girlfriend he has is so terrible, other than maybe they don't like the same music, and occasionally, they have a fight over something silly. What we do know, though, is that Taylor isn't so much in love with this boy as she is obsessed with him for reasons she can't even seem to put into words. It's just fate, or destiny, or whatever else. This girl we know virtually nothing about is evil, and this boy, who we also never learn anything about, to the point where it's quite possible she may not actually know anything about the guy at all, belongs to Taylor. That's it.

If anything, that song right there certainly makes a case that, for whatever bullsh*t issues John Mayer came into that relationship with, it's not as if he's the only one at fault. You have a girl who clearly shows that she has high, unrealistic expectations for what love and actual human relationships are supposed to be like, as seen in virtually every one of her songs where she isn't verbally ripping someone to pieces...

And because one douche bag breaks her heart, we're supposed to suddenly feel sorry for her crying the whole way home? Awww... I so do not give a flying f*ck. Hell, maybe you now finally know how your "friend" Abigail felt...

Yeah, this song pisses me off. See, this girl Abigail... she's real. And here we are, with her so-called best friend selling her out and blabbing all of her friend's secrets in a Top 40 pop song, of all places. Oh, and not only is Taylor selling out her "friend's" bad breakup, but she also takes the opportunity to get up on her goddamned high horse and slut-shame the girl in an attempt to preach abstinence, all the while smugly hiding behind her good-girl image and saying, "I'd never do anything like that." Yes, Abigail had sex with a guy who then dumped her, and her so-called "best friend" Taylor Swift can't so much as bother to keep her goddamned mouth shut about it. Yeah, I'd love to be friends with someone like that, a judgmental hypocrite who sells me out, by name, on Top 40 radio, of all places. Thanks, Taylor Swift. You're now making it just that much harder to call out John Mayer as total douche bag. I mean, seriously, the guy wrote a song basically saying that he uses girls' "daddy issues" to get into their pants!

It's not even as if this trend of teenage girls as catty-ass bitches is limited to any one genre. For every Taylor Swift or Avril Lavigne who crows about how she wants to steal away your boyfriend in the Top 40...

... there's a Paramore just outside of the Top 40 who'll scream to any God who will listen about how much their frontwoman would enjoy drinking the tears of her rival...

Oh, and yes, Hayley Williams is, in fact, singing to God in this song. At least she is according to the band's responses to the complete non-controversy sparked in the extremely conservative Christian community, which Paramore allegedly has roots in, over the lyrics, "God, it just feels so good." For those of you who, unlike me, were never exposed to the tyrannical reign of a right-wing Bible thumper, you may be shocked to know that when you say, "God, I'm glad that bullet didn't hit me," (for example), you are, in fact, using the Lord's Name "in vain". Never mind how "God" is, in fact, NOT the Lord's name, but merely a title, and that God's name is unknown. See, I actually read my Bible, so I know that. Most Christians, though, don't, and thus, this complete non-controversy. Paramore responds to this laughable religious butthurt by claiming that Hayley was, in fact, telling God Almighty just how awesome it was to relish in her enemy's agony, which, for those of you who are in any way familiar with the whole Christian thing, kind of violates that whole "love thy enemies" thing that Jesus taught in his time among us.

And, to make this a little bit more fun, there's a long-standing rumor that Hayley wrote "Misery Business" in the process of acquiring Eisley singer Sherri DuPree's ex-husband, Chad Gilbert of New Found Glory. Whether that is true or not, I can't say for certain, although it’s a long-standing fact that DuPree's marriage to Gilbert ended because of his desire to pursue Hayley. In response, Eisley put out several songs on the matter, most notably this one, which kind of nails it on the nose...

There's also this video, where Sherri DuPree, looking an awful lot like Hayley Williams, appears as a corpse in a white dress...

Needless to say, even in the not-so-Top 40, we have teenage girls, bickering over which girl stole the other's husband. I swear, next, I'm going to see some near 40-something rapper get all butthurt because a 20-something with a similar gimmick is suddenly getting more press than her has-been ass...

Oh, sh*t, I just had to say something, didn't I? F*cking hell...

For the life of me, I don't even begin to understand what the hell is up Lil' Kim's butt when it comes to Nicki Minaj. Honestly, I don't care. I really don't. What I do know is that, at the moment, one of these two women is the leading female voice of hip hop, and the other is a jealous has-been who hasn't dropped a hot album in over a decade. But hey, don't take it from me. Take it from Roman Zolanski...

Hey, I never said Nicki was above the fray. I simply said she was winning the war.

Honestly, I could go on and on with examples of catty-ass immature bitches in pop music, teenage and otherwise. Unfortunately, dear readers, I've reached the end of my sanity rope for the time being. Hopefully, as you make your trek through the Top 40, and you see example after example after example of the horribly selfish, manipulative, vile creatures that pop music seems to believe teenage girls are, you'll keep this in mind - it's not like teenage girls are making a point to go out of their way to prove the media assumption wrong, or anything. That, if anything, should keep you up at night.

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