JG's 11/26/07 Raw Insanity: Carlito Never Watched Cartoons
By James Guttman Nov 26, 2015 - 10:00 AM
Originally Published November 26, 2007
Dear Mr. McDaddy,
We know how Ric Flair was unhappy with his "character direction" before his recent hiatus. Between me and you, I think our idea to give him a bottle of orange juice and call him "The Wooo-Tang Man" was freaking awesome, but whatever. Anyway, below please find the ideas our writing staff has presented for Flair's return.
Love and Screeches,
PS: Hunter and I would appreciate it if you would stop telling Aurora the story of "The Little Engine That Kissed My Ass" when you come over. Thanks.
"Da Bomb Dizzle" Ricky Myspace
Premise: He's fresh. He's young. He's hip. He's deaf. He's off the chair. Word to your mother.
Reason: To hide the fact that he's not really those things.
Gimmick Ideas: He can talk about popular things among young people like MySpace and legwarmers. We can also work on crossover promotions with The Hills, Bart Simpson, and that girl who sings the Umbrella song.
Premise: Cuddly, cute, and full of love. Everyone loves a bear…especially one with plenty of Flair to share.
Reason: Kids eat up stupid crap like this. We could sell Flair Bear dolls, Flair Bear cereal, and Flair Guns.
Finisher: The Flair Bearhug.
Notation: We will add a disclaimer that reads
"Not Associated With 'Care Bears.' Any similarity is strictly coincidental." This will help us avoid lawsuits like the ones we incurred when we debuted Chyna as "She-Man - Master of the Unibrow."
Premise: It went over well for a while. Plus, it's almost the holiday season and we're all pretty burnt out of new ideas.
Return Promo: "Welcome to Flair is Monday Night Raw! Giddy-up, Randy Orton! The Nature Boy is back and he's here to save us all from your stupid face…your ugly head…your lady fingers! There's only one Ric Flair and badda-boom, yippee-kai-yai-yay, he's here to rock you like a hurricane! Because you, my friend, are a little teapot and the Nature Boy is going to - no diggidy - tip you over and pour you out. Woooooo! Oh, and…Wooooooooo a-
Saint Richolas - The Giver of Recalled Toys
Premise: New take on Santa Claus. Ric, dressed as St. Nick, walks to the ring handing out Aqua Dots and Chinese toys to children. He also uses a giant brush to splash their faces with lead paint.
Reason: If kids hate Santa, then they don't want presents. Hence, more cash for WWE live events and talking Triple H figures. Ca-ching, beeotch.
Solution To Legal Issues That May Arise: Sure. Kids may get sick and die from the lead paint, but that just makes them part of the show. They'll feel like they're actually a member of our family. When parents call to complain crying all like, "Oh, you killed my kid" this and that, we'll just scream out, "Anything can happen in the WWE! AHAHAHA, MOTHER F**KA!" Then we'll hang up, drink some Mountain Dew, and laugh our asses off.
Premise: Charlie Haas' mom comes to teach him how to be a better superstar by yelling at him and hitting on you, Mr. McMahon.
Reason: It worked when brought Thea Vidal in to do it for Charlie's old partner, Shelton Benjamin. Plus, we know how you get turned on by…er, uh, we mean how you like to feature men in dresses.
Selling Point: Much better than when we did it for Shelton Benjamin. That was nothing more than a cheap rip-off of "Big Momma's House." This new idea is a fresh and original idea…that will be a rip-off of Mrs. Doubtfire.
The latest uncut shoot you can't miss! Less than two weeks after leaving WWE, The Masterpiece gives his longest and most in-depth shoot yet!
In his 50 Minute Uncut ClubWWI.com Shoot, Chris Masters speaks out without holding anything back. Hear him discuss the full story of his WWE release and spoke about steroids, the Wellness Program, the Benoit tragedy, Lex Luger comparisons, why Vince McMahon said his real name on Raw, working the Elimination Chamber, false reports about his recent injury, smart marks proving to be dumb ones, misconceptions about his bodybuilding, Shawn Michaels, OVW, TNA, The Ultimate Warrior, Kurt Angle, and much more.
Plus...ClubWWI.com features uncut shoot interviews with tons
of wrestling's top names
With two new uncut shoots on the way this week!
If you're wondering what Club all your favorite stars are hanging out at, wonder no more. They're at ClubWWI
Last week, Randy Orton was confronted by the love child of Liberace and Ellen DeGeneres.
Pledge allegiance to the flag, punks! We're in Flair Country tonight for a rip-roarin' Ric-Rawin' Monday Night from North Cackolacki. It's Good Ol' Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler sitting at ringside ready to make some memories. Are you ready? I said…ARE YOU READY? Then, for the thousands here in attendance, and the dozens watching at home….let's go down to our main event. It's happening first because, well, no one knows what "main event" means around here, I guess.
First man out is Triple H. The Game spits his bottled water and does all that fun stuff. When Jeff Hardy arrived, Jerry Lawler said he had gotten a "rock star ovation." Must be a rock star that no one ever heard of because the reaction didn't seem too loud to me. Then again, Jerry never specified that it was a famous rock star that he was referring to. So technically, he was telling the truth. Once in the ring, the duo awaited their opponents.
1. Jeff Hardy and Triple H defeated Snitsky and Umaga when Hardy pinned Umaga
This mini-feud is like an acid trip. I don't know who the hell thought it up. It's like the old WCW Lethal Lottery thing where they picked partners out of a hat. Small initial reactions inside, Jeff Hardy really got the crowd behind him as the match progressed. The contest itself was a bit sloppy at times and featured the types of things that drive Hunter Hearst Haters crazy. It seemed like Jeff was getting his Hardy ass handed to him every time he was in the ring. Meanwhile, each time Trips found himself in action, he Supermanned his way through everyone. Anyone who got in his way got beaten up while anyone who got in Hardy's way had a chance to plant their foot across his face. All that aside, the finish was good. The King of Kings nailed Umaga with a Pedigree while Jeffery followed up with a Swanton bomb. A hooked leg and three taps of the mat later, it's all over. With The Game and Rainbowhead standing tall, Lawler says, "I don't want to call this an upset, but…" I know how you feel, King. I don't want to call it an upset either…because it wasn't. I mean, come on. Dusty Wolfe had a better shot at beating Giant Gonzalez on WWF Superstars than The Samoan Snitsky Team did of going over these two.
Following the bell, William Regal walked out and addressed the two men in the ring. His hair was even foofier than normal tonight. Fluffed locks aside, he congratulated The Hunter Boyz on their latest victory and informed them that he wanted to see them in action at the next pay-per-view, Armageddon. He then took a long time to finally announce the match that we all figured out as soon as he said, "Armageddon." It's going to be non-title, but it's going to be a fight. Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H. The Cerebral Assassin against Captain Nailpolish. There can be only one.
No one seems to care except for Jim Ross. Then again, they pay him to be there so, you know, he's going to care no matter what. They could announce a number two pencil vs. a bag of leaves and he'd be excited about it. The crowd - eh, not so much.
We're suddenly in the parking lot and guess who's here. Ric Flair - that's who. The Nature Boy steps out of his tax deductible limo, greets his driver (JG Note: Not David, wise-ass), and buttons his jacket. Lawler says he has a big announcement and hopes it isn't what he thinks it is. Uh oh. It couldn't be. You don't think Ric's going to announce what I think he's going to announce do you? It can't be. He's…
pregnant? Only one way to find out. Don't touch that dial!
Thanks. Man. I can't believe I'm meeting you. My friends are never going to believe that I got to meet the one and only Bea Arthur.
Ric Flair is in the house and he's ready to drop the bomb. After taking time to splash lead paint on some children, he takes the microphone and speaks with purpose.
"Thank you. As usual, you're too kind. There has been a lot of discussion as to why I chose my hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina to make this announcement tonight. The answer is very simple. You have been so good to me." - Ric Flair
9:28pm - Cue the "WCW Nitro Return in a tuzedo" teary eye face.
"As has, as has every city I've competed in the world over. I'm saying thank you to all of you." - Ric Flair
(JG Note: Way to kill that hometown pop. Nothing like thanking your hometown, making them freak out, and then thanking the entire planet too. It's like saying, "You're my best friend." Then, when your buddy hugs you following it up with, "And so is everybody else I've ever met in my entire life. See that homeless guy over there? He's my best friend too." Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled pregnancy announcement.)
"There's a reason that I haven't been on Raw for six months. Cause I know and you know that my wrestling career can't go on forever. So I've taken the opportunity to get myself involved in statewide politics. I've opened my own marketing company. I've had a lot of time to ponder my future. But I know sooner or later there'll be a time for me to retire. I've compared myself to the great Cal Ripkin Jr., the iron man of baseball. Even to Brett Favre who to this day is playing better than any quarterback in the NFL. But tonight right here in Charlotte, North Carolina, and in front of the world, I have to announce to you …
THAT I WILL NEVER RETIRE! I WILL ONLY RETIRE WHEN I'M DEAD IN THIS RING! OVER MY DEAD BODY! IVE GOT TOO MUCH JUICE LEFT! I’m The Nature Boy. I love this business. I'm going nowhere. Thank you! Whooo!" - Ric Flair
(JG Note: Given the present climate of the business, it might be a bad idea to announce that you can't retire from wrestling because you "have too much juice left." Not sure if that stuff goes bad. Depends on where you got it from and how you store it, I suppose)
Before The Nature Boy can strip naked and start elbow dropping invisible men, the McMusic of the chairman blared over the sound system and Vince McMahon joined the party. Big Mac entered the ring and complimented the non-retiring Naitch. You're a hot commodity, Ric. You're worth a lot to this business and VKM is glad to have you on board…
…as long as you keep on winning. That's right. As long as you keep winning. That's not just some haphazard statement either. That's a mandate. You can remain on the roster. You can stay in the company. But Mama Haas, if you lose once - just once - you're out on your horsebutt. That's right. The next loss you suffer will be your last. No matter how. Pinfall, submission, DQ, countout, act of God, heart attack, narcolepsy, forfeit - whatever. It'll be the end of your days on the active roster. So it is written. So it shall be done.
As Daddy Mac prepares to leave the ring, he takes time to tempt the hand of fate.
"I hope you don't die anytime soon." - Vince McMahon
Smart move, Vince. Glad to see that the exploding limo/Benoit thing didn't teach you a damn thing about karma. Last thing you need is for something horrible to happen in the next month and have TMZ playing
that sound bite for the rest of your life.
Before Mr. McMahon and his Dennis the Menace hairdo can leave the ring, another familiar song plays out. It's the "Hey. Nothing You Can Say" Anthem. It's WWE Champion Randy Orton and his cool-ass jeans.
Orton is here for one reason. He's here to thank Flair, his former Evolution partner. He thanks him for all the advice he gave early on. He thanks him for being a friend. He thanks him for going down the road and back again. He thanks him for being a pal and a confidant. And, Ric, if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew. You would see, the biggest gift would be from Randy...and, there' s a good chance he might poop in it.
All that being said, Ort has one thing to thank you for above all else, Mr. Nature. He's has to thank you for giving him the chance to end your career…tonight. Confused, the crowd stares blankly and McMahon explains it by awkwardly announcing "Randy Orton versus Ric Flair tonight!" Still, the crowd stares blankly. Very weird and, at this point, somewhat predictable. I mean, is there a chance he can overcome? Can Flair defeat the Legend Killer tonight? How will he be able to do it all by himselft? Is there anyone out there who can save_him?
2. Bob Holly, Cody Rhodes, Super Crazy, and Jim Duggan defeated The Highlanders, Trevor Murdoch, and Lance Cade when Holly pinned RobbieMcAllister
Well, uh. Yeah. This would have made a hell of a lot of sense like -I don't know - b
efore the Survivor Series. Better yet - how about
at the Survivor Series? No matter. What's done is done. Si? Si. Speaking of which, Super Crazy and Jim Duggan have learned from their past mistakes as they stopped themselves from doing the ridiculously embarrassing "Ho. Si." Thing. On the other side of the mat, it should be noted too that Trevor Murdoch looks like he's getting into better shape which is a good thing. He also has a new tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil on his arm to celebrate. (JG Note: It would be really funny if Looney Tunes sues WWE for using it on TV.) The match itself was alright. Nothing spectacular. Then again, what do you expect from a quickie two minute thing? Eight guys. Two minutes. It's like speed-dating for wrestling. The finish came along when Bob "Deck The Halls With Boughs of Me" Holly nailed Robbie McAllister with the Alabama Slam. How festive.
Todd Grisham is in the Event Center with Jeff Hardy. Hey, fruitcake, what do you think of your match against Triple H at Armageddon? Hardy says that he's had a great time getting chummy-chummy with Triple lately. He just hopes that this match doesn't get in the way of their…uh….well…..(JG Note: Super secret sexual encounters?) "Friendship?" Hunter asks as he walks into the sceene. Are you saying, "Friendship" Jeffy? Come on, ya Rainbow Haired Doucheball. You should know the Game better than that. The King of Kings ain't had no partner that he hasn't turned against. The K.o.K. doesn't do the friend thang …especially with people he has to face in one-on-one matchups. He's the game. Forget that and you'll wind up on your florescent glowing arse.
So, here's the deal. Shawn Micahels has a DVD coming out tomorrow. Guess who's going to sell it. Go on. Guess. Mr. Kennedy. Yup. Angry at the Boy Toy, Mr. K is ready to get revenge by giving you a sales pitch for his newest piece of merchandise. Awesome. With friends like that, who needs a PR person?
"Available everywhere tomorrow including WWE Shop dot com is this little baby right here. The Shawn Michaels Story - Heartbreak and Triumph. Now before Shawn has an opportunity to come out here and blatantly shill this thing himself, I figured I'd give ya my take on things. So let's take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? Because this little baby right here, this three disc set , spans Shawn's entire career. It is chock full of things like Shawn betraying every single tag team member he's ever had in this business. Shawn Michaels losing, coming up short of virtually every big main event match he's ever been a part of. But that's not all folks, that's not even close to being all. Because not only is Shawn good at losing matches, Shawn Michaels, well, he also loses his smile. Loses his smile. Aw. That's real touching. Real heartbreaking. Very emotional. You know folks, it's not just all heartbreak. There is some triumph. Because you do get to see Shawn Michaels at his absolute best. You get to see Shawn Michaels whining, complaining, manipulating, politicking his way into maintaining his main event status even though there are hungrier, more talented individuals out there who have already surpassed him. Folks you're gonna walk away from watching this DVD feeling enriched. Your gonna realize that Shawn Michaels has had some incredible highs, some abysmal lows. Nothing is gonna compare to the low that your gonna feel, Shawn, when you step in the ring with Mr. Kennedy. - Mr. Kennedy
Backstage, Ric Flair is seen talking to Barry Windham and Arn Anderson. Anyone who needs a reminder of how far removed from the 80s we are needs only to look at that clip. I've always been a huge Windham fan, which makes it even harder to see him now that he's built like Mr. Belding.
Free from sequins and clad in his new 222 tights, Chris Jericho arrives to speak his mind. You all wanna hear something crazy? Chris still hasn't gotten an answer from Randy Orton after last week's challenge. Nada. Nothing. Rather than realize that it's because he hasn't wrestled in two years, Jericho assumes it's because he used "big words" last week. So, in order to make himself clearer, Christopher breaks it down into Geico Caveman language.
"Me want title match." - Chris Jericho
Then, to make it easier, he uses a visual aid. Let's go to the Titantron for a little slideshow presentation that only Y2J7 can do.
Me - Picture of Chris Jericho
Want - Picture of Cookie Monster (JG Note: Jericho wants Cookie Monster? Weird fetish, but who am I to judge?)
Title - Picture of Title
Match - Picture of a match
He has the crowd repeat it and then makes one last stand. Dandy Randy, get your Legend Killing behind out here post haste. Until you do, The Flavor Savior ain't gonna leave. That's right. Unless you come out, Y2J will never
e-e-e-e-e-ver leave this ring a….
Ooooooooh solo mio…
Santino Marella's music hits and the man himself emerges from the back. After calling Chris "KYJ" and insulting his "Lindsay Lohan haircut" (JG Note: Huh?), Marella tells Jericho that he's unfit to get a title match. After all, it's been a while since he laced up his - how you say? - feet.
With that, Chris asks Santino who he is. He doesn't know you, pisan. Who, pray tell, might you be? With that, we break into a vaudeville act that has all the elements of a Rock promo with none of the humor or fun.
Jericho in Red
-Marella in Blue
….this goes on for a while until Sandino finally freaks out. The "Who's on First" exchange reaches a climax and you can tell that everyone expected it to get a bigger reaction when it was on paper. Instead, the live crowd is fairly quiet. That's fine, though. Santypo isn't here to play games. He's here to explain to KYJ why he has no answer from Randy. It's because he doesn't deserve one. Hell, SanDiego can beat you up right now if he wanted to! Lickety split. No problemo, Vestboy!
"OK. Beat me up." -
Y2J removes his Two-Two-Tee Shirt and calls for a referee right now. Sure, he hasn't wrestled in 2-2-2 years, but he's ready to rumble. Two years ain't too long to be away. I mean, come on, not much has changed in Jericho's eyes. We can make this happen All we need is a referee. Someone get Brian Hebner out here right now and so we can get this thing started!
Santy gives in. Fine, KYJ. You want a match, you got one. But first, Tino needs to get ready. He needs to do his squat thrusts. He needs to get his massage from Maria. Oh. Oh. And he needs to beat the snot out of Jerry Lawler.
Without warning, Marella jumps over the announce table and begins to beat the living hell out of the King. Pounding away with a barrage of punches, the Miracle from Milan topples the Raw announcer while Jim Ross mildly protests from his seat. Seeing all this, Chris Jericho runs over and tears him off.
Actually, I'm just kidding. Jericho did nothing. Nothing at all. He just stood in the ring and watched like a goon. Hey. What did you expect? His name isn't Save_Jerry_Lawler.
S-Mar walks up the aisle and J.R., who always seems to know things that are obvious to him and no one else, says that Santa and Chris will be fighting next. Jerry struggles to get back to his feet, but no one's worried. This is the same dude that got RKOed last week by the Champion and was back at the announce table within minutes. Something tells me he can recover from a few punches.
3. Chris Jericho pinned Santino Marella after The Codebreaker.
I can't believe this is how week two of Chris Jericho is going. It makes no sense. Someone with his buildup and debut shouldn't have his return match given away so quickly and with no promotion. The only promotion it got was the constant reminders from J.R. that this was his first match in two years. Had WWE made it known beforehand that Chris would be wrestling tonight, it would have been a big deal. It just seems like a wasted opportunity on their part. Instead, it was simply another part of an otherwise disjointed night. The crowd seemed half dead, half confused, and half bored. I know what you're thinking. Three halves? How does that make sense? Good point. Did that confuse you? Good. Now you know how the audience felt. In a midcard throwaway befitting someone that didn't debut with a huge buildup just one week ago, The Highlight of the Night put Maria's man out for the count with a double knee to the face, which he calls
"The Action Replay Max" "The Codebreaker."
Following the three count, Jericho invited Lawler into the ring for a chance to beat up the Sanman himself. He did just that. The King pounded away on the arrogant Italian while Chris joined Jim Ross on announcing duties for the brief beating. Underwhelming second Raw for Y2J. But hey. At least there was no sequined vest. That's a definite plus, right?
Backstage, Ric Flair is tying his boots when he's approached by Shawn Michaels. What follows is completely disturbing. The two embrace tenderly with Ric longingly squeezing HBK's shoulders before they lean back and stare into one another's eyes. I know I joke about it during a lot of promos, but this time around I actually thought they were going to start kissing. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Instead, Michaels told The Nature Boy that he came to see him tonight with no idea that it could be the last time he watched him wrestle. However, something tells the Boy Toy that ain't happening. Shawn feels like The Flair Bear might have Randall's number. Naitch appreciates the sentiments, Kid. One way or another, he's going out in a Blaze of Glory! YEAH! Whoooo! Blaze! Whooo! Glory! Whoooo! Of! OF! OF! OF! WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!
In the leather couch room, Mr. McMahon is having a heart to heart with his midget son. Listen, Hornswoggle. Vince has to hand it to ya. Last week, you beat Carlito. Amazing. Before that, you beat The Great Khali at Survivor Series. Well, that's overstating it a bit. You beat him but you needed help from your mom, Finlay. Say. Here's an idea. Since Finny loves to attack the Punjabi Yeti, why not have them go one-on-one at Armageddon? What do you think?
Swoggle doesn't seem keen on the idea, but Big Mac doesn't give a darn. Instead, he offers a tasty treat to take the little guy's mind off of it.
"Meanwhile, how about getting me an ice cream sandwich? I know I don't normally eat that stuff, but ice cream sandwich. It's the season." - Vince McMahon
(JG Note: Huh?
Winter is the season for
ice cream sandwiches? What planet does this guy live on?)
Excited for winter ice cream, Horny rushes off and Mac speaks into a walkie-talkie.
"Mr. Rogers has left the neighborhood. I repeat. Mr. Rogers has left the neighborhood." - Vince McMahon
The Leprechaun runs through the hallways in an excited frenzy when he comes across a door marked "Free Ice Cream Sandwiches." He zips inside and comes across Carlito Cool, coolly leaning against the wall. Carly informs the little guy that he's here to get revenge for last week. Immediately, we know that there's going to be some weird silliness because the entire production quality changes, indicating that this has all been pre-taped. Man. It's bad enough that the segments are stupid without them actually giving away the fact that they're going to be stupid before they happen.
Anyway, Mini-McMahon pulls out some spray-paint and draws a big black hole on the wall. Carl looks at it and questions what the point of it can be. With that, the Little Bastard did what you might expect. He got a running start, complete with race car sound effects piped in, and then ran through it.
Actually, the camera just switched to an angle where you couldn't see the wall. Then Horn just sort of ran off camera. Once he did, Coolio, proving that he's never watched Cartoon Network, tried to run through himself and ended up knocking his head into the wall and crumbling to the floor.
(JG Note: Wow. If Looney Tunes doesn't sue them for the Tasmanian Devil, then they should definitely hire a lawyer for this one…)
Ron Simmons scratches his chin, looks into the distance, and says the word that made him famous.
I wonder if that's what he said when he read the run sheet. You know what's amazing? Carlito is the one who ran into the wall, yet this segment made
my head hurt. Go figure.
5. Mickie James pinned Melina after a DDT to earn a shot at the Women's Title at Armageddon.
Beth Phoenix sat at ringside for this one. I think everyone watching could figure out where we were going with it. After all, Melina-Beth makes no sense while Mickie-Beth is the natural choice. It makes the whole point of doing a number one contender match almost pointless. I emphasize "almost," though. It's still a good move to have matches like this. I just wish they'd make a better effort to keep the winner from being so obvious. Mick finished Mel off with a blood-curdling scream and a DDT. To the dismay of Jerry Lawler, me, and legions of men watching at home - there was no girl on girl kiss, although James blew a smooch to the Knockout Champion teasing the notion that we might get one for 30 bucks on PPV. Start saving those cans and bottles, kids. Girls kissing is worth recycling for.
Backstage, Ric Flair is dressed like Phyllis Diller and walking to the ring. A parade of stars are lined up to applaud him. Among them are guys like Super Crazy, Sgt. Slaughter, Dean Malenko, and Chris Jericho. Triple H steps out from the pack and hugs The Nature Boy. He adds, "Show them who you are." That's right, Champ. There's only one Ricky MySpace. You show 'em, Bomb Dizzle. You show the world.
Commercial Break. In two weeks, Raw's 15 Year Anniversary Show will be three hours long. Pack a lunch.
6. Ric Flair pinned Randy Orton after a lowblow.
We all give Ric Flair grief, but I've said it 100 times. No matter how old he gets, few people can hold a candle to Ric in terms of ring generalship. He looks comfortable no matter who he's facing and knows how to use the ring to tell a story. He did that tonight. With this new stipulation hanging over his head, it's like The Dirtiest Player in Triple H has a new lease on life. If you think that the threat of losing a title is enough to make you hold your breath at a two count, it's nothing compared to the thought that a guy's career could end. This one saw both competitors come close to victory on a few occasions. Naitch had a near finish with his Figure Four while Orton closed in a pinfall that was stopped when Slick Ric reached the ropes. This went back and forth for a while until Randy finally took control for what seemed like the last time. Prepped to hit the RKO and seal the deal on the Legend's career, Ort looked four seconds shy of his biggest win to date.
Until Chris Jericho ran in to make the_save. Surprise. Surprise.
KYJ distracted the ref and the WWE Champion took the opportunity to get distracted. Flair, in turn, took the opportunity to punch him in the babalones.
The referee spun around, counted three, and the bell rang. The Horsemen gallops on and will live to wrestle another day. Jericho rushed the ring and helped the jet-flying, limousine-ridng, kiss-stealing, wheeling-dealing son of a gun to his feet as we faded to black.
All in all…Content wise - tonight's show was good. Presentation wise - it was done poorly. The show was structured in a way that got you going for about half an hour and then put you to sleep until there was only ten minutes left in the episode.
On paper, WWE gave fans a solid showing tonight. You got a Ric Flair return, Jericho's first match in years, a Hardy/Hunter-Maga/Snitsky "main event" and more. Unfortunately, it was all put out there in such a way that seemed to drain the crowd of any energy. For the amount of things that were presented, you'd think people would be going crazy. Not tonight. At times, it was downright silent in the arena. It bled through the screen too. I sat here watching a show that, for all intents and purposes, should have been tremendous. Yet, I was half asleep during most of it.
Maybe it was putting the Hunter Boyz out there first. When Gameboy and Rainbowhead were announced as the main event, most assumed that they'd be up last. Hell, maybe they'd close out the first hour. Nope. They were the first match on the show and perhaps that set the stage for a Raw that seemed to be all downhill after the first 15 minutes. That's all I could really think of. By the time that match came to an end, you couldn't help but wonder, "What else is there?"
Oh yeah! Ric Flair. We have Ric Flair to look forward to!
Then, Flair came out right after.
Less than half an hour in and the whole show seemed like it was over. Although Ric's return was somewhat exciting, you couldn't help but feel like it was a whole new direction for a show that was supposed to have a whole new direction
last week. Chris Jericho's big return felt like the start of a fresh theme. Instead, it came to a head in a big way and then fizzled almost immediately. The Nature Boy's new predicament seemed to do more to bury Jericho's stature than further his own.
Even more insane was the fact that Chris was part of the group standing by backstage to clap for Ric as he went out to face Randy Orton. Not to say that Y2J shouldn't show respect. Just saying that he shouldn't be standing side by side with Cody Rhodes and Super Crazy a week after his huge Save_Us thing exploded. Then, on top of that, Triple H is the guy who goes up to Flair and gives him the hug and heartfelt words. It's things like that which solidify The Savior as a midcard afterthought to many at home. One week back on the roster is too soon to use Chris in the way he was tonight. Treat him like a nobody and that's how he'll be seen.
Between that and his meaningless match against Santino Marella (that got Jerry Lawler over more than it did Jericho), Mister Sparklevest took two steps back from last week. Given that his big debut failed to live up to expectations, this was the week to push the Highlight Reeler as the greatest thing since Sliced Bread. Instead, they treated him like unsliced bread. Hell, they treated him like uncooked bread. He was just a big ball of wheat and flour with a bunch of "2"s written all over him.
Speaking of Sliced Bread, it sucks to be Brian Kendrick, huh? What was that all about? I mean, we've seen squashes before but that was wham-bam-go-to-hell. I've seen Reno Riggins get more offense against opponents than Brian did against Kennedy. Considering that Kendrick is capable of having good matches when needed, you might expect WWE to protect him somewhat. It's fine to job him to Kennedy. It just doesn't make sense to have it happen in like a minute. Hell, you can hire local guys to do that.
The Hornswoggle stuff is terrible. Just terrible. I can't understand how a company responsible for so many of my favorite memories can find stuff like this funny. How does the same promotion that brought us Stone Cold, The Rock, and Hulkamania bring us a midget running through painted-on holes in the wall?
The main event was tremendous. I mean
the real main event. Not the curtain-jerking main event, although that was okay too. Flair-Orton was done really well and told a great story. Predictable finish aside, it was a great way to end the show and solid way to send people home happy for another week.
Speaking of next week,
there won't be a Raw Insanity next Monday. I'll be out and unable to cover the show as it airs. Don't fear though. I'll be back the following week to cover the monstrous three hour broadcast commemorating Raw's 15 year anniversary. Three hours. You psyched? Huh? Are ya?
Me neither. But come on. Pretend. It might be fun. Stop being so cynical. You're bringing me down.
See you during the week for two new uncut interviews! Be well and thanks for sharing my Insanity!