Originally Published December 23, 2002
It’s Raw. It’s taped…and we’re here. When we last left our superstars, there were many unanswered questions: What did Triple H have in store for Scott Steiner? Is D-Lo playing the race card? What’s next for Booker and Goldust? Of course, most importantly – How the hell did Eric Bischoff age 20 years since 1999? The answers to all of these…well some of these…well…just read on…
Montage airs showcasing the Eskimo kiss between The Game and Big Poppa Pump.
Raw Theme Plays – I prepare to travel in time to last Saturday when this was taped.
Jim Ross welcomes us to tonight’s show and makes special care not to say “Live”. Coming tonight, a special “Santa’s Little Helper Match”. Aye Carumba! It’s followed by a “Snowball II” match.
1. Rob Van Dam and Kane defeated Three Minute Warning when RVD pinned Jamal “Mr. Early-Monday Night” Rob Van Dam and Kane are being pushed as the “unlikely duo”. How many unlikely duos can there be? Isn’t every one of Kane’s partners “unlikely”? I also think that Three-Minute Warning is a glaring example of what's wrong with this show’s direction. Two months worth of shows featured a surprise attack from the Island Boys. To have them so buried – so quickly. At one point the Leather wearing Samoan Swat Team corner Kane in the ring. JR says that “this might as well be a handicap match”. (JG Note: Well, considering that Three-Minute Push specializes in losing those, I would hope not). Big ending saw Kane hit Jamal with a chokeslam and RVD follow up with a Frog Splash. Three seconds later – this one was history. Pretty good opener.
Following the match, an irate hairy-faced Rico approached the Minute Samoan Island Warning Boys. As his face grew red and puffy like old Saint Nick – he slapped them. For some strange reason, Three Minute Warning start attacking each other. For some even stranger reason, Rico is yells “Yes! Yes!”. If they’re “rekindling their killer instinct” – then my question is – How do you lose your killer instinct in three months?
Eric Bischoff and Chief Morley are sitting backstage and just – you know – kickin’ it. Chief Val has been hearing the same rumor around the arena all day (JG Note: UPN is canceling Smackdown? I heard that too). Seems that old Hunter Hearst Helmsley is set to call Scott Steiner out to the ring tonight. That doesn’t please Greasy Eric B. Uncle Eric doesn’t want anything to mess up the main event of the Royal Rumble – Freakzilla against Nosezilla. .When suddenly the runt of the litter, Spike Dudley comes running in.
Seems that Little Spike has issues with Easy E not allowing his brothers a rematch with the cheating duo of Regal and Storm. Chief Wiggum tells Duds that he “spits a lot of crap for a little runt” and threatens to beat respect out of him. But the Puff Daddy Eric has a better plan. Tonight Molly Holly’s Ex Boyfriend Spike Dudley will meet Ric Flair’s current Boyfriend Dave Batista. One stip? If D-Von or Bubba interfere – they will be split up and D-Von will have to be a preacher and wrestle on Velocity. OK OK – not that bad. They’ll just be suspended. Val smiles and Eric sweats as we go to the…
Commercial Break. I can’t wait till Christmas. Mostly because the James Bond marathon will finally be over and TNN can stop pimping it on me.
Clip is shown of Jim Ross’ entrance played by the OU band. As a joke they play “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix A lot.
Yeah? My name is Vince McMahon, damnit! You wanna see what I can do? I can get men to call themselves…hmmm…let’s see…Testicles! You wanna bet on that?”
Cue Andrew Martin and Miss Hancock.
Backstage with D-Lo Brown and Stacey Kiebler. D-Lo is doing a new gimmick playing a cross between Konan, Savio Vega and a Jenny Jones guest. D-Lo is wearing fresh duds with tags still attached and doing the whole Billy Gunn bunny-ears headband thing. He wants Kiebs to handle his career and proposes “Down with Brown” as his new logo. (JG Note: How about “Frown with Brown”? That’s what I do when he’s on TV). Stacey needs to mull things over. After all she has her “hands full with testicles” right now (JG Note: Bada boom ching). I’m more interested in the guy who did the lighting on this promo than D-Lo.
You lookin’ at the Real Deal now…whhhooompppp… Gonna kick your sorry ass back on to Heat…”
6. Test defeated D-Lo Brown via Disqualification Oh man, D-Lo. Are you kidding me? In the girlfriend line of the night - “What is he now? A
?”. Honestly, he looks ridiculous. Wasn’t he an accountant or something? He just looks mushy and fake. Sorry, Buster Brown – there’s better gimmicks out there for you. Also noticed that Test is wearing Blue. Subtle…subtle. Pretty basic match which seemed to follow logic until the Head- Bobber ran to the outside and confronted Kiebler. He began to yell to Stacey “I need you now!”. The Head-Testicle chases him outside but is caught. Browny tosses him back in and sort of bellyflops on him from in between the ropes. The ref refuses to count because Lo is using the ropes. Homey D has better ideas as he opts to punch the referee and get himself Dqed. He corners Kiebs in the ring until Test chases him away. Yeah…not a big fan of D-Lo….gotta be honest. Psstt…remember this….
Raw Retro Moment shows Jimmy Ross joining the “Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club”. (JG Note: Says something about society that the WWF logo on JR’s shirt is blurred, but Vince McMahon’s exposed ass is clear as bell.)
Commercial Break. Movie Preview for the “Lord of the Rings 2”…or as Al Roker calls it “Lord of the Kings 2”.
Clips are shown of Jerry Lawler signing his new book “It’s Good to Be the King, Sometimes”. (JG Note: Sometimes…like when Al Roker calls you ‘Ring’)
“I’m ba-ack….and hang with Val Venis…”
His eyes are glassy and his face is greasy, Eric Bischoff wobbles up the ramp alongside The Chief of Venis. Eric gives us the rundown for the Royal Rumble. It seems that it will now be Raw and Smackdown mushed into one Rumble with the winner facing their respective brand’s champion. (JG Note: This just sounds messy). Bisch then says that this Rumble will go down as the “Greatest in WWE history”. Considering that technically this is the FIRST one in WWE history (The name change happened in June), I would say Easy E danced that one nicely. But if you think that’s all that Eric’s got on his mind (JG Note: Besides Lesbians and Mind Erasers) – think again. He lowers his beady little eyes, and with The Big Chiefbowski in toe – makes his way to the Nitro position.
It seems that Bischy has footage of Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler talking to each other during the commercial break. It’s the F-View and it’s got a tale to tell. Seems that Good ol’ JR takes issue with Round ol’ EB playing the Raw Retro with him kissing Vinnie Mac’s butt. Not only that – but Jim says that if Eric spent more time worrying about business instead of ruining people’s lives, we’d have a better show. (JG Note: Cut! This is it! This is the start of it all! This is the first time that Eric has been directly blamed for the poor entertainment value of the program. You read it in I2I first …patsy). Seems that Eric has Tony Shiavane’s number in his speed dial and Jesse Ventura all set to replace the Boomer Sooner and King of Memphis. (JG Note: Why the hell is Tony Shiavane in his speed dial?). But instead of canning the announcers at the Holidays, the Bisch That Stole Christmas will put them in a tag match against a team to be named later. (JG Note: Me and Mallory Mahling?) Jim Ross ponders his future tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jim Ross walk much less wrestle. He just looks unhealthy. Wow – maybe he should worry. Breathe deep, Rosy – we’ll take a ….
Commercial Break. Your defense is offensive.
Johnny Coachman is standing in front of the Hunter door. Some are saying that Triple H was “punked out” last week. I love when they act professional. (JG Note: This is Dan Rather. Tonight UN Inspectors were “punked out” by Iraqi security. Duh).
2. Hurricane defeated Christopher Nowinski Hey, you know what I’m thinking? You think that the stuff Shane Helms uses on his hair is the same gunk that Jeff Hardy rubs on his face? It could be – right? Maybe they go halves on it. Nowinski’s position is really a puzzle to me. On one hand, he’s in a program with Maven and being given TV time. But it’s just sort of flat. Why invest time into something you’re just gonna put on autopilot anyway? Maven came out and of course Christopher, being the heel, had to yell at him from 35 feet away. Hurricane took advantage and landed a kick before pinning the Harvard Grad.
Triple H, who is dressed in his “Rocky 2 Jogging Suit”, joins the Coach. Seems that people want to know about his altercation with the Genetic Freak last week. Well, Hunter did not back down from Scott Steiner. He’s not afraid of Scott Steiner. He also never had sex with a dead body. Ok – the last one he did do. You know what? The Game is gonna call The Big Bad Booty Scotty to the ring. Oh no, folks. Biz-ness is ‘bout to pick up. Pick this up….
Commercial Break. “Resident Evil 0” or as Tajiri calls it – “Resident Evil The Amount of TV Time I Get”.
Judge Smails and Davey Boy Batista hit the ring.
3. Batista destroyed Spike Dudley Is there a point to Spike Dudley? When I was a kid, guys who got crushed as bad as this were working against Killer Khan on Challenge. Pretty brutal with Tista hitting a powerbomb on the ringside barricade. I swear, I thought he killed him. No one can take a beating like Spike. The Deacon puts an exclamation point on this with a hard powerbomb and pin. Squash all around. Good for Dave – Bad For Spike. Quick quiz – name the man who helped destroy WCW and a Porn Star with a Horse Voice?
Chief Val and Bischoff are again viewing the matches in the Leather Couch Room. Seems that Chief Wahoo has a plan. How about he and Eric team to face JR and the King tonight? Bisch likes the idea (JG Note: Uh, Eric – 1997 is thataway, man. Done. Gone. Over. Don’t wrestle again – the karate moves looked cheesy when you were in shape. Imagine now). They gush over the idea as the “Energy Suckers” Lance Storm and William “Mr. Bentley” Regal enter. Seems the two of them are so proud of their 8 week undefeated streak and would like to take on the King and The Barbecue man tonight. Well, just like powdered donuts dipped in butter, Eric likes. Match is on. Wow, hey Bisch – what’s Vince gonna do if it ever comes down to blaming someone for Raw?
F-View. We see girls in Santa outfits changing in the locker room. It’s so stupid. Women don’t change in locker rooms. I thought they have pillow fights and rip each other’s clothes off. Anyone with cable knows that.
Commercial Break. I feel like Martin Lawrence made one movie and keeps releasing it with different titles.
4. Jackie, Stacey Kiebler, and Trish Stratus defeated Victoria, Ivory, and Molly Holly I am totally sold on Victoria. Her music, her entrance, even the Candy Cane devouring come off perfectly. The whole point of this match was purely stupid, though. All the women were dressed in Santa Stripper clothes. It just came off as forced, and seemed to undo a lot of work that has been put into the women’s division. The sad part is that the in-ring effort was actually pretty good. It’s just that if you dress like Halloween – you’re gonna attract ghouls (paraphrasing from Face/Off). Pick a side and stick with it. Is Victoria going to be a serious crazy woman or a Stripper Santa? It’s up to you. She can’t be both. Imagine Albert in doing a thong match. See? Just weird – pick a side. We got a glimpse of Molly’s “granny panties” before Trish his the “Stratusfaction” on Ivory before getting the “stratuspin”. After the match her, Kiebs, and Jackie “stratuscelebrated”.
Scott Steiner is standing by with the CoachMan. He explains that the Game is afraid of him. It’s pretty much same old same old. While I think Scott Steiner can cut a good promo – I think that less is definitely more with him. He also seems to have some sort of softball growing in his arm.
Goldustin is out looking for the Hungry Man – Booker T. However he must have accidentally entered the Canadian Locker Room because Chris Jericho is waiting for him. Y2J+2 years&357days informs the Golden One that he is not fooling anyone (JG Note: He’s not – I totally know that he’s Dustin Rhodes). In fact he still is the weakest link of his tag team. After all, last week when it was Goldy’s time to shine – he fell short to Christian. Jericho then looks him in the eye and says “Dustin, you’re a failure. You’re a failure as a performer. A failure as a husband. A failure as a father. A failure of a human being.” Amazing. After his over the top face to face with Shawn Michaels last week, I think this may be the perfect gimmick for Jericho. Very natural and seems to generate a good reaction from the crowd. It’s also better than being based on a two year old false computer bug. Speaking of bug…bug me to buy something in the…
Commercial Break. Gangs of New York. I don’t remember what life was like before TNN played this commercial during every friggin break.
5. World Tag Team Champions Booker T and Goldust defeated Chris Jericho and Christian when Goldust pinned Jericho Good solid match with G Dizzy and B Tizzy really holding their own. It’s about time that they started hitting strides with these four. Fruity Tights Christian and the King of the World also seem to gel nicely as a team. You know, Christian is a perfect example of how some guys are meant to be tag team players. There’s no shame in it. In fact, in many cases, tag team specialists don’t get the respect they deserve anymore. Well, Fruity and Fozzy took turns beating on Dusty’s kid before he mounted a comeback and tagged in the Five Time WCW Champion. Book goes to town and clears house before delivering an Oklahoma Spinaroony. Booker covered Christian but a foot on the ropes stopped the count and served up a …
Commercial Break. Who does Carrot-top call? Alf?
We’re back and the match is continuing. Now it’s Booker playing the role of the butt kickee and Dust waiting for the hot tag. The Heels double team T for several more minutes before he finally gets his hand to Gdust. The Weak Link handles his own and takes it to the Chrises. Some near falls and hot sports that see Goldy hitting the curtain call and Jericho locking in the Walls of Jericho. Big finish saw Dust gets his knees up to counter Jericho’s Lionsault. Then, with what Jim Ross said was a “handful of tights” (JG Note: It looked like Dustin had his finger in Jericho’s butt), Goldust pinned him. Great match. Glad to see the tag titles start to mean something…anything.
Commercial Break. WWE Best of 2002 is coming next Monday. It’s going to be about an hour and a half of commercials and the TLC match from September.
Rob Van Dam is buzzin hard and runs into Kane, who’s leaving the arena. Van Dam asks Dr. Kane about his childhood memories of Christmas. The Man in the mask responds that he spent his childhood in the “basement” (JG Note: We’re back to that gimmick again?). Well, Big Red Booty Machiney, RVD has a gift for you. He presents it to the Undertaker’s brother who opens it to reveal “Hungry Hungry Hippos”. Katie Vick’s lover doesn’t like it and gives it back and walks off to his burnt car. RVD thinks aloud that he should have gotten “Chutes and Ladders”. Eh. Didn’t really do much for me. (JG Note: Free WWE advice: Have a Kane/RVD interview with Van Dam stumbling and forgetting lines. Then end with Kane shaking his head and saying “…And people say that I’m burnt?”. You will get a good pop. You’re welcome. If you want more – pay me.)
JR and the King discuss their battle with Regal Storm. Lawler tells Ross to relax and sends him to go get dressed.
George Washington…eh…Ric Flair approaches Triple H backstage. He tries to reason with the Game and explain that Scott Steiner is nuts. (JG Note: Yeah, I would say that’s about right). But that doesn’t scare the Cerebral Assassin. He’s calling out Freakzilla…and he’s doing it next!
Commercial Break. OK, Greyhound…I get it. A singing dog….can we move on to something else now?
Time to Play the Game!!!
HHH and OLD come to the ring. Hunter runs down Freakzilla and states that he only called him out last week because he knew that Hunter was injured. You see, if the Game was at 100%, he would have taken Scotty out. Classic Hunter stuff as he says that Stein isn’t in his “league”. Comes off pretty good with Hunter backpedaling once again. Hey, at least he’s playing the heel. Pssttt…hear that siren? It must be the cops! Oh no – it’s only a swollen mammoth man with crazy eyes.
The Metal Turban man enters the ring and confronts the Hunter. Trips informs the Genetic Mutation that to “be the man, you’ve got to be the man”. (JG Note: Ric Flair nod along as he vaguely remembers saying something like that before the senility kicked in). He rambles on a bit more before Stein grabs the mic. The Man with the Discolored Goatee gives a plug to Oklahoma and explains that they came to see him kick Hunter’s ass. In fact, if HHH is 100% and wants to lock up with Freakzilla – they can do it right now. Well, no! Hunter has a better idea and he got it from old Billy Jack Haynes/Hercules Hernandez angles. It’s arm wrestling time.
Stagehands….GET THE TABLE!
Pages bring the cushioned table to the ring and as Hunter rambles on, Scott takes a seat and presents his arm. Hunter grasps his hand and the two go tooth and nail for a minute with Trippie taking the advantage. Suddenly, Scotty’s face morphs into a smile and he slams Hunter’s hand down as HHH flails and struggles. What? Trips then wants a rematch and Poppa Pump beats him three quick times in succession. Then arm wrestle make Scott go Crazy ooga ooga! He flips the table as the Game retreats. Big shout out to Oklahoma as Hunter runs off. Mark this down….right here. Tonight, Triple H did a great job. This is what I’ve been saying since I started. It’s not that Trips isn’t a good wrestler – he just needs to properly play a heel. Tonight he did just that and presented a well done segment. Good job to both men. Now no more dead people sex.
Still to come – Lawler and Ross versus Regal and Storm. Hmmm…interesting main event. Would you call it a “work in progress”, JR?
Commercial Break. Milky Way appeals to my love of back scratchers to make me buy their candy. I see no logic in that at all.
“Hey, listen here, pally. My name is Jim Ross. You mean to tell me that we’re gonna do a 10 year anniversary special and we don’t have footage of me wrestling with a band introducing me? Well screw that! Get me a cigarette and book me in the main event!”
7. Jerry the King Lawler and Jim Ross defeated William Regal and Lance storm when JR pinned Regal OK, here’s the leeway. Tonight’s Raw doesn’t count. It’s a Christmas week and it’s not even live. For pure novelty purposes, tonight’s show was keeper before these guys even stepped in the ring. Chief Val and the Bisch on Wheels sat in on commentary. (JG Note: Better than Lita). Lawler pretty much handled the bulk of the wrestling with the sweatshirt wearing JR standing on the apron and looking on. At one point, Storm comes running at Jerry and he ducks. Lance flies into Charles Robinson and looks like he damn near kills him. With the ref out, Regal takes out the brass knux and sneaks up on the King but is caught and drops the weapon. Lawler goes for one of those banned WWE piledrivers but is stopped by a low blow. Well, while looking on the ground for some pretzel pieces to munch, Ross sees the knux and puts them on. All for not, as he’s “punked out” (If Coach can say it, I can) by Regal and Storm. According to Eric, that’s not something he wanted to see (JG Note: Strippers and Cake). But Easy E’s arrogance is thwarted as those Damn Dudleys come out and hit Storm with a 3D. Ross coldcocks Sir William with the knux and covers him for the pin. William Regal has officially been crapped on more than any other guy in the history of this company. Bisch and his Chief flip out. The Dudleys struggle to lift Ross’ big old butt up and the cameras roll to black as JR and Jerry hug.
All in all… Good effort tonight. There seemed to be a cohesive story and flow to the show. In many ways it’s like one of the silly episodes of the X-Files. You see, X-Files had a constant story of a man’s search for the truth about aliens. But every once in a while they would throw in a show about Vampires or something dumb like that. The thing was that you could miss the episode and still be up to speed with the storylines. The main reason to watch it was because it was just stupid fun. That’s what tonight was – stupid fun. Good to see JR and the King finally get a chance to team up on Raw. Also good to see Triple H finally do things the way he should have been for months.
Have a Happy Holidays…Stay Safe, and Be Well!