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JG's 7/21/08 Raw Insanity: John Cena Accidentally Punches Batista On Purpose
TGIF: A New Day For Hulk, MLW's Major League Potential, and More
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Return, Top Contenders 6-Man Gauntlet, And More
(32 Mins) Honor Nation: Forgiving Hogan


JG's 3/13/06 Raw Insanity: Shawn Michaels Throws Pee-Pee at His Boss

By James Guttman Mar 13, 2018 - 7:13 AM print


Originally Published March 13, 2006


You've loved all of WWE's video games.  You know you have.  You rocked out with Smackdown - Know Your Role.  You busted a move with Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain .  You loved Smackdown - I Like Your Shoes .  Now, get ready for the next generation of WWE gaming...



WWE Smackdown vs Raw: Eat Them Worms


For the first time ever, WWE fans will be whisked into the fantasictical, trippy world of sports entertainment.  Finally, you have control over your own destiny as you journey up the ladder of WWE success and relive a career mode with authentic situations unseen in any game.


Bodyslammin' Roster!




The characters available In Smackdown vs. Raw: ETW are like a who's who of wrestling history.  With over 130 stars to choose from, there's something for everyone! All your favorite WWE performers of today are featured:

King of Kings, Triple H, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, John Cena, Ric Flair, Garrison Cade, Stevie Richards, Funaki, Viscera, Todd Grisham, Trish's boyfriend Jack, Tim White, and others.

However, for the first time ever, WWE offers you an overflowing amount of random legends unseen in any WWE game.  Choose from:

Ted Arcidi, Jay Leno, Dominick Mysterio, Waylon Mercy, Buzzkill, Oliver Humperdink, Ludvig Borga, Manny Fernandez, BattleKat, the Handsome Stranger, and many, many more.

You'll be shaking your head trying to figure out how many different personalities you can use in Season mode!  As always, WWE has even promised to change many of the gimmicks that the characters in the game use immediately prior to the game's release.  Yes!  That's awesome!  

(Note:  95 of the 98 legends necessitate a PSP to unlock.)


Season!


Remember before where we said that you'd be shaking your head trying to figure out how many different personalities you can use?  Well, the answer is four.  You can use four.  The rest can't be used.

No matter, you can still create some of the most amazing storylines in wrestling history.  Feel free to jump in the coffin and pound away on Katie Vick (see picture.) 





However, things don't end there.  Go back in time and participate in such moments as:

Arn Anderson fights Erik Watts at a gas station.

Brutus Beefcake cuts up Rick Martel's hat and jacket.

Ultimate Warrior throws up.

And, of course, everyone's favorite...

Perry Saturn chooses to have sex with mops instead of Terri.



Gameplay and Statistics!

Fans have been asking for years when they would finally have the chance to wrestle with strategy similar to that of their favorite superstars.  Now they can!  





With the all new Nut-o-Meter, fans can get the chance to dive right in there and grab themselves a handful just like their favorite dirty player.  It's fun for the whole family as you wrench away on a computerized man's private parts.  It's the most realistic strategy system of all time!  Remember to be the man, you gotta grab some balls.

SDvR: ETW also features the most realistic character stats ever.  No longer will you see Rey Mysterio suplex the Big Show or Rob Van Dam pin Triple H.  It's just one step closer to giving fans the real WWE experience.  We don't mean the TV show.  That got canceled.  We mean "experience" as in living vicariously.





Mini-Games!

Most fans have been clamoring for information on the new mini-games available in SDvR:ETW.  For the first time ever, we're proud to unveil Boogey-Man.



Journey through a world where your only source of food is yummy worms.  Munch them down, just like every good boy and girl should, and stay clear of the evil ghosts.  That's right. It's a lot like Pac-Man except that...uh, well, it's exactly like Pac-Man.

(Note:  Unlocking Boogey-Man mini-game requires two memory cards, a PSP, a set of jumper cables, and a jar of peanut butter - chunky.)





So gear up and prepare yourself for the ultimate in simulated wrestling action. Before you know it, you can go from a hazed rookie to a highly respected WWE legend in  our new legend's mode. 





WWE Smackdown vs Raw : Eat Them Worms
The choices are yours.  The action is intense.  The worms are delicious.



Rush out and buy your Game system today.  After all, it's all about the game and how you play it.  It's all about control and whether or not Vince McMahon can take it.  With Shawn Michaels drugged up and beat up, the McMahons seem to have a leg up on the Heartbreak Kid.  Can Shawn stop Vinnie Mac and his boy from doing further damage to his career?  Does Edge have something in store for the hardcore hero that promised to not make sporadic returns after retirement, Mick Foley?  What will occur between Torrie Wilson, Candice, and Victoria?  Does anyone care?   Finally, the King of Kings, Beast of Beasts, Master of Masters, Lord of Lords, God of Gods, Man of Men, Game of Games and Husband of Husbands, Triple H, steps into the ring with Mr. Poopie Poopie Boo Boo himself, John Cena.   What magic is in store for us there?  Ooooo, I can hardly wait.  There's the sign post up ahead.  It's another rest stop on the road to WrestleMania.  We're almost there.  Now who has to get out and pee?  OK.  Make sure you go at the rest stop and stop acting up back there.  Don t make me turn this car around, mister!  I swear.  I will.  I'll turn it right around take you back to the Royal Rumble.  You want that?  Huh?  Fine.  Then shaddup!  Now let me tell you about this show I watched on the USA network.  It's called Raw

Last week, Stephanie McMahon used her old birth control pills to poison Shawn Michaels.  Then her family beat him up.

Raw Theme Plays.

What up, fools?  Joe E. Styles and his two buddies are here to welcome us all to Texas.  Tonight we'll bare witness to Rob Van Dam versus Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental title.  Then from there, Triple H and John Cena make their WrestleMania match official at the contract signing.  Awesome!  I totally mark out for men signing their names on paper!

So, Mr. McMahon.  We here at NBC are excited to have you back on our network for Saturday Night's Main Event.  When you called us, we actually thought this would be a personal lunch and not a television show pitch.  It's OK, though.  Now go over this idea again once more.  You say it's like the Apprentice and you host it.

Yes.  It's actually exactly like the Apprentice except for the two things.

Yes, yes.  Those two things, if I recall correctly, were that you didn't actually fire the men.  You killed them.

Yes.  With a broken beer bottle.

OK.  And the women, you wanted to

You don't need to repeat it.  We both know what I said.

Yeah uh, ok.  Well, we'll be in touch. 


Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, a little scientist-looking guy and some rent-a-cops are on their way to the ring and Joey Styles can only imagine what they have in store for Shawn Michaels tonight.  The climb into the squared circle, where there's a box-like formation of curtains waiting.  Big Mac starts us off by saying that last week we saw Michaels get "beat up" by his son, Shane.  That was awesome, Shane-o!  Bam!  Then, after that, Daddy Mac did his duty and pinned the Boy Toy as well.  Oh yeah.  Double bam!  Now VKM can understand Shawny feeling depressed after that match.  However, he can't condone the Rocker's use of drugs.  Yes drugs!  Even though we all saw the Heartbreak Kid drugged by Stephanie, Mr. McMahon lodges a hefty charge against the Notorious HBK.  He says that he fears Michaels to be on dope, perhaps even taking the pot, and orders a drug test post haste!  Even better, it has to be a "public urination test."   They're opening the show with public urination.  That's how they re hooking viewers.

Like pee?  Stick around.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Vinnie Mac!  Shane McMahon has a stake in all this too.  He's heading to Saturday Night's Main Event to face Shawn.  He needs to know if the Smile Loser is "clean" or not.  It's a valid concern and Vince says that the image of WWE has been "besmirched" by HBK's drug usage.  There's some sort of weird twisted irony in that statement but I can't figure out which angle to view it from.  I know it's there, I just don't fully get where he's going with it.  Anyway, I ponder the hidden messages from the McSpeech just as the Heartbreak Pill Popper heads to the ring.

So as Michaels pops out, Jerry Lawler goes into this bad train of thought about how Shawn wasn't doing recreational drugs.  He was drugged by Stephanie McMahon.  Why is the speech bad?  Because it creates this huge logic hole as to why the announcers didn't step in and do something.  Do they sign a paper promising not to get involved in the affairs of wrestlers?  No.  Jim Ross was involved in everyone's business.  So that ain't it.  Either the cameras are ignored or they aren't.  Which is it?  Did they see Mickie James's fake rape-attempt claim on Trish's boyfriend too?  See?  Its screws up all the angles.  Damn!  So....anyway.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, right.  Right.   Shawn's urine was on its way to the ring.

Michaels goes face to face with the father/son duo while security forms a barricade between them.  Vince calls for a public test and asks the Boy Toy what explanation he could have to offer his family if he fails it (JG Note:  Which brings us back to the Lawler speech and why it hurts the logic of the storyline.  His family obviously knows he's innocent since the announcers seem to know too.)  That's when Shane jumps in.  He calls Michaels a "liar, a hypocrite and, quite frankly Shawn, you're no more than a disgusting junkie!"  He called Shawn a "junkie" as if he was saying the word "c**k."  There was this long pause and you expected some big shocking statement to come out of his mouth.  Instead,  he said "junkie."  Whoopty-doo.  The guy in the leather chaps does drugs.  Shock me silly, Shaneface. 

Vince orders that the Boy Toy whip out little Shawn and the twins, fill a cup and prove his innocence.  Oh, and when er, if Michaels tests positive, he's forfeit his matches with both Vince and Shane.  Styles points out that HBK is all but guaranteed to fail because of his drugging by Princess Preg last week.  It's a lose-lose situation.  Just to make matters worse, Dr. Heiny then introduces Dr. Feldman, the man in the white coat.  Little Mac and Daddy Mac both want Doc Feldman to personally oversee Shawn's urinating.  That's right.  Go watch his wiener, Doc.  However, before he makes HBK leak out the Preggo Powder, Vince asks to inspect the cup.  He approves and sends both Michaels and Feldman off into the curtain box to make tinkle.

They go into the booth and Vince delivers this:

"The following public service announcement is brought to you by the chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  Kids, I have a lesson for ya.  If you're a user, you're a loser.  Don t wind up like Shawn Michaels.  Don't do drugs.  Thank you very much.."
- Vince McMahon, 9:13pm

Again, I don't know what angle to take on that.  This whole thing is just bizarre so far. 

Then I see the full cup of urine in the doctor's hand and I realize it can and probably will get a lot worse.

Vinnie K. Mac sends the doctor off to test the piss, but first asks Michaels if he has something to say before they send out the sample for analysis.  Do you want to apologize to your family, Heartbreak?  Shane interrupts and says that perhaps Shawn should "Just Say No."  To this, Michaels answers:

"It's better to be pissed off then to be pissed on."
- Shawn Michaels, 9:15pm

Then he threw the piss in their faces.  Yup. That's what he did.  Finally, WWE found a way to get someone covered in pee.  They've done sewage, but not piss.  Sure, William Regal drank Y2J's piss accidentally once, but he didn't wear it!  Ah!  Pee pee!  Pee pee is funny!  Hee hee!  Pee pee!  The McMahons wipe the apple juice from their unhappy mugs while the Urinator heads back to the locker room.

Commercial Break.  Paying too much for cable is worse than going blind.  Betcha didn't know that. 

Backstage Vince and Shane are washing the Heartbreak Piddle from their heads.  Vinnie ain't smiling.  Oh no.  In fact, tonight we'll have Shawn Michaels in a match against all four members of the five-person team, the Spirit Squad!  It'll be Texas Tornado rules and inside a steel cage!  He stops at that.  I was disappointed.  I thought he was gonna keep going and make it a Texas Tornado, Steel Cage, Exploding Casket, electric thumbtack baseball bat on a stretcher match.  Now that would be hardcore. 

1) WWE Women's Champion Trish Stratus pinned Victoria after interference from Torrie Wilson

I'm so indifferent to the Victoria/Candice-Torrie feud.  Lame, lame, lame.  What's worse is that all these women could be helpful if used as managers for underaccomplished male wrestlers.  Torrie is worth more as a valet than as a performer.  Same goes for Candice.  Victoria may be one of the last female wrestlers left.  I don't know.  It just seems pointless.  No one's into Candy for her in-ring exploits.  No one buys her Playboy spread in order to see her wrestling skills.  In the end, it was Torrie Wilson making a cameo appearance when she ran in behind the ref's back, hit Vicki with the Stroke and left her ripe for the picking.  Trish hit the Chick Kick and got herself a 1,2,3.  Blah.

After the bell, Victoria tried to give a post-match speech into the microphone, but it wasn't working.  She screamed "Torrie" but there was no sound.  It was really symbolic of the women's division.

Commercial Break.  What were the other choices for WrestleMania's theme song besides "Big Time?"
"Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money ?  "The Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis?  How about "Blame it on the Rain" by Milli Vanilli?  I imagine the race was close.

During the break, Victoria fixed the microphone and promised to make Torrie pay "big time."  Uh oh.  I hope she's talking about the pre-Mania edition of Heat.  Do they still do that?  Anyway, screw all that. Let's get Cowboy Troy out here.  Who's Cowboy Troy, you ask?  Oh, silly reader... I have no f**kin' idea.

He wears a cowboy hat, so people know he's a cowboy.  CT takes a seat at the announce table.

"Yeah, but let me just tell you this.  It feels good for me to be sitting next to somebody wearing a black cowboy hat again."
- Jerry Lawler, 9:32pm

I'm glad they can say nice things about Jim Ross again now that he's returning.  I'm sure they'll be doing something horrible to him again soon enough, though.  I have faith in them.  Speaking of doing something horrible, apparently a certain Canadian has put together a video honoring Mick Foley's greatest WrestleMania moments.  Come.  Let's take a look.

Video mocking Mick Foley.  This was really funny, actually.  It's one of the few truly funny things WWE has put together in a while.  They had quotes from different newspapers calling Mick "Craptacular" and other derogatory statements.  I liked it.  It was simple in it's approach, but memorable and effective.

2) Edge pinned Goldust after the Spear

Cowboy Troy looks like Hootie from the Blowfish.  He's actually the co-star of Nashville Star and has absolutely no presence.  He joins the Coach, Joey, and the King for commentary.  Great.  He offers absolutely nothing and, if anything, I want to see Nashville star less after seeing Cowboy's appearance.  The match was no better.  Goldust didn't even get music.   So, guess who won.  Guess.  Either the guy with no music who peaked eight years ago or the former WWE Champion who's fighting Foley at WrestleMania.  If you guessed Copeland then you're right!  Hooray!

After the bell, Edge decides to speak his mind.  He takes the mic and orders that Joey Styles shut his mouth.  From there, he chastises Cowboy Troy for stealing his thunder.  People aren't here to see you, pal.  They're hear to see the R-Rated Superstar!  At this point, Troy turns to the other 50 people at the commentary table and says this

"Sounds like he needs to buy a vowel, brutha."
- Cowboy Troy, 9:39pm

I have no idea what the hell that's suppose to mean. 

Edge then showed a video of his own WrestleMania moments.  It was the polar opposite of Foley's.  Adam told Mick that he can voice any problems he may have at Saturday Night's Main Event.  There, we will see the return of the talk show that Adam had like three editions of, "
The Cutting Edge ."  Who's the guest?  Well, it's Mankind.  One thing, Cactus.  This show will "be rated H for Hardcore!"  Muawahahahah!  Hardcore talk at Saturday Night's Main Event!  Can you stand the Extreme Chatting?

Still to come:  The guy who used to lose defends the Intercontinental title against the guy who loses now.  Then Hunter and John write their names.

Retro-Commercial Break.

Backstage, Maria is selling the new Bowflex.  She's using it to workout and puff out her chest for the camera as Trish approaches.  Yo, dummy, where's Torrie Wilson at?  Mary doesn't know, but she thinks the Bowflex is "friggin' awesome!"  However, she suggests that Stratus check the locker room.  When she does, she finds Torrie down on the ground.  She got knocked the F out!  What's worse someone left a Playboy magazine on top of her!  Maria, get the paramedics!  Also, get a horny middle school kid!  We can sell this magazine for like $15!

Ya'll know the Hall of Fame roll call by now, correct?  It's Bret Hart, Eddie Guerrero, Mean Gene, Sherri Martel - who's being inducted by Ted DiBiase - and now Verne Gagne.  That's right.  The former head of the AWA and the guy who lost Hulk Hogan to history joins WWE's Hall.  His son, Greg Gagne will be inducting him.  Once again, Greg gets airtime because of his dad.  Talk about cosmic karma.

The Coach heads to the ring and introduces the King of Kings and then the WWE Champion.



Helmsley lounges in a chair while Cena emerges to his mildly irritating theme music.  The Coach begins things by saying that both men have had their lawyers look over the contracts.  (JG Note:  John Cena has a lawyer?  Wow. He's really hardcore - from the streets, yo.)  When no one has a question, Coachman presents the contract for signing.  However - surprise, surprise - Hunter has something to say first.

He commends JC's amazing FU on the 500 pound Big Show.  That was sick!  Sick, man!  It blew Helmsley's Gamy mind.  You impressed the King of Kings, Vanilla.  However, it don't mean squat when RassleMania comes around.  H calls "all this a formality."   You see, "the match at WrestleMania is just a formality."  At this point, the crowd cheers "Cena," which is unexpected and totally welcomed considering that the audience cheering for the right person might make this bizarrely booked conflict somewhat better at least.  Trips says it's happening at WrestleMania.  He's taking that shiny gold belt from around your Thuganomic waist and bringing it home.

Hunter signs.

Cena signs.

Once again, Helmsley has something to say.  You see, normally at this point, Gameboy would wait until you've signed and retrieve a sledgehammer so he can "bash your brains in." (JG Note: and then you can come back the next week with a small bandage and no sign of any brain damage because no one sells injuries anymore.)  That's just the way Trippy rolls.  However, he's not going to do that with you.  Why?  Cause he doesn t need any more of an advantage.  You're already at a disadvantage.

Finally John Cena gets to speak.  He tells Sideburns McGameface that he's funny.  Hunter's not refraining from hitting him with a sledgehammer for any other reason than the fact that John will shove it up his ass if you does.  Uh oh.  The crowds cheers.  Triple H stands up.  John Cena stands up.  Helmsley's jacket comes off.  Kane and Big Show come out to their music.

What?

Yeah.  Big Show and Kane come out.  Hunter takes out a sledgehammer and it looks like Mr. McSteph is in some trouble now.  Lucky for him, Carlito and Chris Masters were cuddling under the ring or something because they pop out and go on the attack.  This prompts Vince McMahon to appear and order a six man match in tonight's main event.  It's Cena, Show and Kane against King King, Carly and the Masterpiece.  Now ya'll bounce out of that ring.  Up next is Michaels against the Spirit Squad and Vince is super stoked about it! 

Give me a Z!  Z!  Give me another Z!  Z!  Give me a ANOTHER Z!  Z!  Gimme three more Zs!  Z-Z-Z!  What's it spell?  My feeling on Raw tonight!  Zzzzzz .

Commercial Break.  V is for Vendetta.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  is for Raw.

3) Steel Cage Match: The Spirit Squad defeated Shawn Michaels when Ken Doane scored the pinfall. 

When Vince made this match, he said it would be "all four members" of the Sprit Squad.  Of course, there's five guys in the Squad, so it was Nick Mitchell sitting out.  The Cheerleaders take turns leaping into the ring over the cage and getting caught by the Boy Toy.  At this point, Coachman asks Styles to explain the difference between this match and HBK's last bout with the SS.  Joe says that last time around, The Spartans had to tag one another.  Now they don t.   That's when Lawler responds that the other difference between this match and the last one Shawn had with the Spirit Squad was that "this time he's not drugged."  Halfway through saying it, Jerry realized that he was wrong.  Michaels hadn't been drugged during that match.  He had been drugged during the match with the McMahon family unless Jerry Lawler knows something about Michaels that we don t.  This time around, a sober Shawn-o held his ground and took down the Squaders with backdrops and tosses.  When Michaels headed for the door, Mitch, on the outside, attempted to slam it back in his face, but had it knocked back at him.  Shawn went back in, hit some more chin music and turned to leave once again.  However, this time Shane McMahon showed up to slam the door on the Showstopper.  Unlike Nick Mitchell, who is but a mere mortal, Shane-o the Great has powers that swing doors with the force of ten thousand men.  It rams the Rocker's back and sends him back into the ring, unconcious and half-dead.  Little Mac then drags him center ring and places Kenny on top.  Three seconds later and the Mickey Mouse Club pick up a tainted win.

After the bell, Jerry Lawler channels Jim Cornette and calls the Squad "jocksniffers."  Shane lays into the Boy Toy and busts him wide open with the help of the unforgiving steel.  He orders the cage to be raised and has the Five Horsemen hold Shawn in the seated position in the corner.  They place a garbage can on top of the drugged up leather boy and Shane-o crosses the ring. He climbs the turnbuckles and sails across the ring with a Van Terminator er, uh the "Coast to Coast."  Covered in HBK's blood, Little MacManiac tells Jannetty's buddy that he'll pay dearly for his sins come Saturday Night's Main Event.  The McSon closes out the attack by dancing a jig.

Commercial Break.  USA - Characters Welcome.  No fooling.  You see some of the people we elect?

Trish decides to bitch to the Grish backstage over the beating her partner, Torrie Wilson, took earlier.  Come the Main Event, Miss Stratus is going to have to go it handicap style with Candice and Victoria.  No, no, no!  Trisha!  Hold up.  Look, Mickie James knows that you're a bit weirded out by her.  Yet, you need a partner.  Let Mickie help you out for one final night - Saturday Night's Main Event.  Then you two can go your separate ways.  Statowski gives a handshake.  I haven't seen anyone trust such an obviously ready-to-turn on you tag partner like this since Hulk Hogan.  You might as well put Mrs. Wonderful on Mickie's ass or send her to go smash up Beefcake's barber shop.

After that, we see a Steve Austin Music Video.  Just WWE's way of saying, "Let's put Taboo Tuesday behind us for now." 

Steve Austin's name brings about Jim Ross's name.  That's right, because after hearing about Austin's Saturday Night's Main Event beer drinking contest with JBL, we learn from the McMahons that J.R. will be returning on SNME too!  There wasn't a strong reaction, but it was hard to tell because it was announced in a backstage segment.  The
ready-to-rumble Shane tells his dad that he'll beat up Ross if he doesn't call his match against Michaels fairly.  What an angry young man.   When Shane-o takes his TV hiatuses, who does he beat up every week?  Damn, I'd hate to be the Chinese food delivery guy to his office.   I'll tell ya that much.

Back at the table, Coachman tells Styles Ric Flair's here to do commentary for the next match.  Why?  Because we need to get as many people doing commentary at once.  It's an important way to keep the audience from bonding with any of your announcers.  Following Naitch up the aisle is a Momma less Shelton Benjamin.  Someone gives Shelly a mic and it's all downhill from there.  He trips over his words and blames Flair for his momma's absence.  Apparently she was getting heart surgery.  (JG Note:  You know, the heart problems that Big Show sparked, but WWE changed their minds on that and did a do-over, blaming it on Flair instead.)  Shelton actually does such a blatantly bad job on the mic that Coach has to explain that Benji is "emotional" and choked up on his words.  Yes.  I can only imagine how hard it must be for him to have his fake mother sent to the pretend hospital because of something someone did that we're pretending he didn't so that we can blame someone else.  It must be hard.

4) WWE Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin pinned Rob Van Dam while holding the ropes for leverage

This match wasn't even close to what you'd expect.  It was pretty ho-hum with a few good spots.  There just seemed to be no real great moment that stood out here and the only thing that made it exciting was the fact that it could be conceivable that RVD might win the belt.  With both men heading into the same Mania match, you can imagine them losing titles to one another prior.  It all balances out down the line.  Besides that, it was nothing to care about.  The finale came about when Benjamin tried to cheat. He got his title and ran into the ring with it.  Ric Flair jumped up and tried to stop him, but was inadvertently struck by Van Dam.  Flair fell and SB scored the pinfall while holding the ropes.  Sorry Rob, you lose again.

After the bell, RVD and the Nature Boy engaged in an argument.  It was funny to see one of the most mellow people in wrestling history having a conversation with one of the most high-strung insane people in wrestling history.  One does yoga and chills out while the other one gets naked and elbow drops his jacket.

Up next:  The Doctor Big Red Machine Shows of Thuganomics square off against Triple H, Triple C and Gary Strydom.

Commercial Break.  Larry the Cable Guy has a new movie called "Health Inspector."  From the looks of it, it won't take too long for the Cable Guy's movie to end up in it's rightful place on cable.

5) John Cena, Big Show and Kane defeated Triple H, Carlito and Chris Masters via disqualification.

You know, Kane's a real shame.  The ultimate goal of a character like Kane is to get him to the Undertaker's level.  You want him to be feared and viewed as unstoppable.  Sadly, so many dumb angles and storylines have played into his career that it's all but impossible to get him there now.  From Katie Vick to Lita, the Big Red Machine has survived only because he has talent.  Imagine where he would be if he didn't have career pitfalls.  Anyway, the match goes on and Hunter finds himself tagged in at the same time as John Cena.  Instead of facing him head-on, Helmsley turns and tags back out.  Here's another ignored rule:  Triple H shouldn't have been allowed to tag out before making physical contact with his opponent.  It was a rule established in the epic Hulk Hogan and Mean Gene vs.  Mr. Fuji and George "The Animal" Steele tag match from years ago.  Gene had tagged in just as the Animal was and he wasn't allowed to tag back out.  It's just one of many ignored WWE rules.  Things like the 30 day title defense rule and the "standing ten count" a wrestler gets when he goes outside the ring in the Royal Rumble (JG Note:  Established in 1992 and ignored every year there after.)  Nevertheless, Hunter tagged out.  Carlito went in and the action continued.  Eventually Trips ended up in the palms of both Big Red and Big Show and seemed all set to take a double chokeslam.  This cued Carlito and Masters, who came in with chairs and earned a DQ loss.

Following the bell, everyone left the ring area except for John Cena and Triple H.  The two stared each other down until Randy Orton appeared from the crowd.  He ran into the ring and gave Cena the RKO.  Trips rushed in to chase him away, but when Ort left, the Game smiled in approval.  With less than a month to go until WrestleMania, WWE is creating interbrand conflicts between people who are main eventing with each other.  It makes no sense as we fade to black.


All in all dull.

OK.  Look.  Here's the thing.  I love WrestleMania.  I had a WrestleMania 3 party when I was in the fourth grade.  Hell, when I was a kid, I'd watch WrestleMania scrambled when my folks wouldn't order it.  I'd listen to the commentary and try to make out bodyslams in the squiggly lines and, damnit, I loved it.

So under stand this - I want WrestleMania to be exciting.  Hell, I want it to be one of the highlights of the year.  I want to look forward to it.

I'm not looking forward to this one.

I couldn't figure out my feelings at first, but now I've come to hate this Saturday Night's Main Event match between the Mania main eventers.  With Cena and Hunter teaming on one side against the team of Orton, Angle and Rey, WWE has confused the focus and taken the spotlight off of what's important.  It creates the other big match options that we're not seeing.  Do you know what I mean?

Someone could have seen Raw tonight and thought, "Hey!  Orton vs. Cena would be better than Hunter vs. Cena.  I wish WrestleMania had that match!"  It's counterproductive to tease other dream matches while building up to another "dream match."  The focus should be on Triple H and Dr. Thuggy.  It shouldn't be on Big Show, Kane, Orton, Rey, Angle, Carlito, Masters, or any one else.  It should be on main event of the biggest pay-per-view of the year. 

Piss on the face?  Cheesy dialogue?  This is the best way they can sell Michaels-McMahon?  They have 20 years of history and this is what they come up with?  I don't get this either.  It seems like the biggest waste in while.  Vince-HBK had potential.  It had rhyme and reason.  Now it's about drug tests and Shane.  At this point, Shane-o's conflict with Michaels has had as much buildup as Vince's.  If Daddy Mac is getting the Heartbreak Mania match, he should be getting more of the attention.  I mean, Saturday Night's Main Event is nice and all, but this is WrestleMania we're talking about here.

The rest of the show moved at a snail's pace.  It seemed like the entire night was booked with one idea in mind - to get to the end of the show.  That's it.  Nothing mattered and that was scary.  We're not on the Road to The Great American Bash.  This is the granddaddy of them all.  This is WM22.  Instead it's starting to feel like another under promoted and overlooked WWE pay show.  It's a show that people actually want to be excited about and they're still managing to make it unexciting.  Oh the insanity of it all.

That's it for tonight, folks.  In case you missed it on the main page, Jimmy Hart will be appearing on Friday's edition of JG's Radio Free Insanity. 
Last Friday's show with A.J. Styles is still up, so check that out when you can. 

Also, remember
add WorldWrestlingInsanity.com to your MySpace friends list.   We've had over 1000 new people added to our list since we announced this a few weeks ago and it's been a blast.  If you have MySpace, it's a great way to keep up with all the latest headlines and features at WorldWrestlingInsanity.com

That's it for now, people.  Go play Eat Them Worms and watch for flying pee!  Be Well!

 



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