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JG's 3/24/03 Raw Insanity: Stone Cold Ruins The Rock Concert

By James Guttman Mar 24, 2018 - 8:00 PM print

Originally Published  March 24, 2003

So let me see if I've got this straight. Tonight's Raw is two and a half hours? Didn't I just give you an hour of my life last night for that WWE Third Degree thing? Speaking of which, it was once again a strike out from the home run kings as the show was nothing much to speak of. I suppose it's better than the alternate choice – Vince McMahon and Tony Atlas debating Who Really Created Samba Simba? Also, I learned an important lesson about Triple H. Any Hunter pseudo-shoot interview must contain the phrase "In this business" at least 63 times. In fact, if it wasn't for the crowd chanting "Fix Your Tie" to a disheveled Helmsely, the entire thing would have bored me to death. The crowd reactions just show how "The World" in Times Square is a terrible location for any sort of presentation. The building is too small to be able to filter out crowd noise and with a voltile NY crowd – anyone and anything is fair game. You'd think they figure that out after the Raw X Show. Actually, after the Raw X Show they should just shut down the whole building and call it quits. What? They did. Well…alright then.

This week also brings with it the signing of Bill Goldberg. The proud member of Roddy Piper's "family" wanted an opportunity to curse out the Game from a distance closer than 30 feet. Good to have ya back, Billy. I missed listening to you obsess about your pets. That was sarcasm and this is Raw.

When we last left our Monday Night Roster there were so many things still left to settle. What – what? – does the future hold for Stunning Steve Austin and Rocky Maivia? Will Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels meet up prior to their Seattle Showdown? How can the Boys from Dudleyville co-exist with the Chief of Staff Sean Morley? Where does Shannon Moore's boots end and his tights begin? How many times has Vince McMahon called Sgt Slaughter this past week and left him this voicemail: "Bob, it's Vinnie. Got a great idea for you. Call me back. Love you"? Well, let's see if any of these questions will be answered. Hopefully those voicemails won't be. Seriously, could you imagine what Iron Shiek would look like at this point? So, turn on, tune in and drop out. May the force be with you – it's time for Raw…

Show opens with Lillian Garcia singing the National Anthem.

Raw Theme Plays – It's sung by the Union Underground which is, as we all know, the nickname for Mick Foley, Test, Ken Shamrock and Big Show in a basement.

Ka – ka chhhhhh!…..na na – nana – na na –na na neeehhhh…

We start things off this week by the Hollywood Blonde Steve Austin. The Rattlesnake takes the ring and flips the referee the bird. He runs down last week's heinous attack at the hands of the Rock (JG Note: Now that was a sentence worded "wrestling style.") As he hits the high points, Austin plays into the crowd's "Whats?" Good idea. For weeks they've been trying to play it off so as not to ruin every promo in the promotion ala 2001. But honestly, it's one of the most over chants there's ever been. "Whooo" and "What" – we're stuck with em. Might as well admit it. Anywho, the Ringmaster is plenty pissed off at the Rock and he's fixing to sit in the ring and wait for the People's Champ to drag his People's Ass out here. What? There's a match scheduled? Well who gives a …

Test, Test, Steve will kill Test…

Out comes the cleancut Canadian with big teeth, Test along with Stavy. The Ticle wearing his old trunks again lately. He looks apprehensive when he walks the aisle. Maybe it's because back in 1999 when Austin first saw the Greater Power and the Union tried to comfort him – he gave Test a Stunner. (JG Note: I was going through some old unmarked VHS tapes today.) Big T and Miss Hancock enter the squared circle and Andrew takes a second mic.

"Steve, I really don't mean any disrespect by coming out here man. I..I..I..I really don't. Listen, Bischoff sent me out here. I'm supposed to have a match right now. An..uh…that's all I wanna do, ya know? I just wanna have a match, Steve. I just like to kick some ass, too. You know?"

- Test - 9:07PM

Yeah, you guessed it. Stunner. Austin then takes a seat next to Lillian Garcia. Lance Storm, Test's opponent, slides into the ring and makes the cover on the fallen Testicle. As the ref attempts to make the count, Stone Cold pushes him away and enters. He counts two, but then gives Lance the finger and a Stunner to boot. The Bionic Redneck has cleared the area and we cue his music.

I'm ba-ack…with coffee for Gagne...

Ok, let's try this again - Eric Bischoff – the Movie comes from the curtain and he's joined by Sacramento's finest rent-a-cops. Uncle Eric has a posse here to ensure that the volatile Texas Ringmaster doesn't attack him ever again. The Bisch has a classic wrestling restraining order to keep Steve away from him (JG Note: It worked so well for Owen Hart when he got a restraining order against Austin in '97. Didn't Eric see that? No? What was he doing in '97? Oh..haha… that. I forgot!) This means that Superstar Steve has to bounce or else he'll be subject to mandatory arrest. The Security Guards make their way to the ring to remove the Texan. My girlfriend points out that the midget woman security guard wouldn’t be able to accomplish much against Stone Cold Steve Austin. Point well taken. Steve decides that discretion is the better part of valor and leaves said area without incident. Although he stops on the way out to go nose to nose with a very smug and greasy Eric Bischoff. Following Austin's departure, The Bisch promises us all a very special live "The Rock Concert." Yes, it's Rocky Unplugged.

We cut backstage to Stone Cold leaving the building with security. JR and the King inform us that Steve is following rules because the "police" are "armed." My girlfriend makes another excellent point when she says "Why should he care if they're armed? His shirt says he's bulletproof." But as the Stunning Ringmastersnake leaves, he stops at the sound of a guitar being strum. It's the People's Rock and he's going to play a song for Steve. The Rocky One plays "Jailhouse Rock" as his WrestleMania opponent stared and backed out of the building. Dwayne, you can't sing. You're a fine entertainer, but stop with the singing. It didn't work for Kevin Bacon and it doesn't work for you. Good opening though. It's like the old days when the opening segment was must-see TV as opposed to "God, Triple H – Shut Up!" Good work by everyone involved. Ah, good karma. Meditate during the…

Commercial Break. The Burger King Italian Chicken Sandwich. Ah – Hospitaliano. Burger King – When you're here, you're family…and nauseous.

(1) Jeff Hardy & Trish Stratus beat Steven Richards & Victoria when Trish pinned Victoria Matt Hardy's goofy kid brother was covered in Green Slime. My first guess was that he said "I don't know" on You Can't Do That On Television. Then I thought that maybe he chose the Physical Challenge on Double Dare. But there's so many explanations. (JG Note: "Jeff, what happened?" - " He slimed me .") Once again the rules were all herky jerky just to leave us slightly confused. One week it's intergender men can fight women, then it's intergender men fight men and women fight women. This one was the latter. No intergender fighting here. In fact, at one point Victoria has Jeffitude in the ring and she challenges him but he chooses to leave. I think it would have been funny if he wiped his slimy green face on her bright white outfit. Didn't happen though. At one point, Jeff appears to slam both feet full force into Dancin' Stevie's head. Pretty sick. Finish saw Stratus hit the Bulldog Stratusfaction Thing on Toria while kicking off of Steven Richards for momentum. Good match.

Following the bell Jeff appears ready to kiss the lips that have been on Vince McMahon but just as he's leaning in for some Stratus-kissing, Jazz jumps Trish from behind. Jazzy Mack pummels Stratus and Victoria comes to assist the assault but Jazz kicks her away. I still say Jazz is Susan Hawk from Survivor with a tan. Look into that during the…

Commercial Break. The Truth behind the curtain? That's funny. When Ron "The Truth" Killings worked for WWE, that's where they kept him during TV tapings.

Resident Tool, Johnathan Coachman is backstage with the Puffiest Puffin of them all – Uncle Eric Bischoff. Johnny tries to get Easy E's attention but is batted away. It isn't until Coach tells his GM that there is an emergency that needs his attention does Sleazy E follow him (JG Note: Eric…emergency. Someone ate your Ho-Hos)

Goldust is reading Torrie Wilson's Playboy for the articles. Suddenly Booker T sporting the Busta Rhymes look once again enters the picture. They discuss their match with Ric Flair and Triple H tonight. I thought they weren't teaming anymore. Didn't they have this big "goodbye" match? Anyway, basic bromo with Goldy dragging it all out with his stuttering and insane ticks. Booker asks if he's ok and they repeat Book's old catchphrase "Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game." Hey Dustin, way to ruin your gi-gi-gi-gimmick.

Coach Gone Wild and the guy who tips big at the strip clubs if you know what I mean are making their way to the security booth. They peer at the monitors and see Steve Austin outside the building with his 1997 D-Lo Brown Backdrop on the Windshield Truck. He kept the Truck in good condition, huh? Seems that if Big Steve is outside the building there is nothing that security can do to help Eric. So, the Bisch has a brainstorm It's time to punish Coach for Girls Gone Wild. Bisch tells JC, go out there and tell Stunning Steve to hit the bricks or else we'll be looking for another sack of wet towels to do commentary on Heat… or whatever it is you do. What's it gonna be Coach? I can wait all night. What's it gonna be Coach – yes or nooooo? Coach doesn't need to sleep on it. He accepts his duty to Bischoff the Hut and goes on his way. Godspeed.

Commercial Break. WWE Call of the Night is Test seeing Stacy in Scott Steiner's arms. What if Metamucil sponsored a wrestling moment of the night? What would they call that?

"Here's a story of two brothers…Rick and Scott….Steinerized!"

"Sister Christian, now the time has come…and you know that you're the only one …"

(2) Scott Steiner pinned Christian after a top rope Samoan Drop Christmas now has his purdy little tights in green which may be the worst color of all. Seriously, it's hard to take a man seriously that's trying to convince you that he can defeat his opponent if he's wearing a flaming shiny green spandex bodysuit. Steiner seems to focus and does all his heel moves including the two count push-ups. Considering that he loses all his matches, shouldn't he stop doing push-ups and just take the pin? Good back and forth with Steiner getting the win. I suppose this is going somewhere but all I know is they just used Christian to more than put over Scotty Steiner. I hope this is all part of a master plan. I said it when he first debuted and I'll say it again – how the hell does Scott Steiner buy shirts that fit over his arms? Maybe he's actually a mutated clone of Superstar Billy Graham.

It's Lita's broadcast partner, John Coach at Steve Austin's door. Coachy passes along the message that Eric intends to make his Texas life "hell" unless he leaves. The Toughest SOB in WWE just stares at him. Is Austin sleepwalking? I hope he hits someone soon. I like it when he hits people. Oh man! Another…

Commercial Break. How can there be a God that would let Carrotop become famous?

Chief Morley  and the illest lyrical freestyle stupid fresh homey from Calgary, Lance Storm are standing by backstage with Goldust's ex wiii-wiii-wii-ooo-ooo-wife. Due to William Regal's illness, General Manager Scummy has allowed Chief Valhoo the opportunity to choose new champs. So, he picks Lance Storm and himself. Great, now 2 titles on Raw were just handed to people. Suddenly Team Burn-Out, Kane and Rob Van Dam confront them. RVD questions Val Morely's "balls." TNN keeps trying to censor it but keeps missing the beeps on balls. It was quite funny. Van Dam has a plan. Why not give him and the Big Vick Machine a shot at Mania? Val has a better idea. How about tonight Kane-o and Robbie Vee meet his new bitches – the Dudley Boys. The winning team will get a shot at the strap in Seattle. They agree and Taker's little brother assures victory. Doesn't Kane think it's stupid that his character speaks like a normal person? I do. Kane gives a Stunner-Weary Liznance a "red neck" slap as he leaves the room.

Triple H and Ric Flair are walking to the ring. Is Ric really wrestling?

Commercial Break. Just a thought but do you think that this video game  has endless amounts of Raw commercials in it? It would only be right.

(3) Goldust & Booker T defeated Triple H & Ric Flair when Booker pinned Hunter Jerry Lawler tries one of his stock-jokes and says that G Dizzy is the son of an electircian and he was a real "shock." Rossy blows up his spot my giving us a quick son-of-a-son history of the Rhodes clan. He then adds "But don't let that get in the way of a good story…if you will." Funny stuff. The Game is pounding on Dustin when he finally makes the tag to his spinning partner. But Hunter – Whoo Hah! He's got ya all in check. Booker says " Gimme some more! " and takes the Game's arsenal. But The Game and the Dirtiest Player in Him turn the tables on GoldenBooks and we hit commercial time.

Commercial Break. There's a Perfection, Nevada? I actually grew up in Horrible, New York.

We return to see the Nature Man locking the Book in a Figure Four. It takes a large amount of suspension of disbelief to think that Flair's legs are hurting Booker. But forgetting all that, despite his age, Ric genuinely understands ring psychology which shows that he can wrestle long past his shelf life if he chooses. Power wrestlers have to step down at a certain age. Speedy guys find that they're not as fast at 50. Someone like Slick Ric who can use the canvas to paint a masterpiece 9 times out of 10 has plenty of time. Although I was worried at one point when Flair went for his famous "back flip into the buckles bump" but stopped short and slammed his faces on the middle turnbuckle pad. As things wind down, Triple H finds himself busted wide open on the ring steps and attempt to set up T for a Pedigree only to be reversed into a slinshot. As the Champ bounces back, BT hits him with a Scissors Kick and gets the win.

Still to come – Smackdown's footage of the Vince McMahon/Hulk Hogan contract signing. Five Years Ago Jim Cornette cut a shoot promo on Raw denouncing WCW for having the nerve to center a pay-per-view around Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper citing their age. Hogan is now five years older and Vince is older now than Piper was then. Wonder if they'll have any shoot comments from Corny on Raw this week. Nahhh.

Commercial Break. See World Wrestling Entertainment Live! I barely want to see it on TV.

Ric Flair is giving Triple H the pep talk that he should be giving his son. He tells him that no one beats the Champ. Hunter remarks that no one told that to Booker T (JG Note: He shouldn't have to be told. It should just be assumed that you don't beat the guy that's dating the boss's kid.)

10:20PM – Trivia: What's cheesy and shiny and comes from Canada?

Chris Jericho is wearing his checkered glossy suit today as he takes center stage – the ring not the old WCW arena with the helicopter landing strip. Y2J+3+Just-under-four-months takes the mic and talks in his serious voice. He has something to say about his big Mania match with the Heartbreak Man. In fact, enough is enough with the attacks. He wants Jannetty's partner out here.

Cue HBK. At least he's not wearing that cowboy hat anymore.

Fozzy called the Boy Toy out here for one reason. You see, the Canadian Chris has always wanted to be just like Michaels. He shows the former DX leader some video footage from early in his career. Moonasults and hurricanranas! According to Jericho, no one was doing these moves at the time except for HBK and him (JG Note: and Japan) Look, Shawny! When you were doing the poofy hair thing , so was Chris. When you were dressing like a member of the Bangles , Chris was too! Why is Chris Jericho willingly showing such embaressing photos of himself? We continue to play it off like Shawn Michaels is 65 years old and Y2J is 15. But over time, Fozzy realized that he's better than the Heartbreaker. HBK was the Main Event but Jericho was the Hilight of the Night. As the Shiny Canadian runs down his achievements, he reaches out and slaps the Rocker evoking a smile. Hickenbottom returns a slap of his own and the two go nose to nose smiling and jawing with each other. Then they kiss passionately. Not really – but it looked like they were about to. Bizarre. Then again, most of the stuff these two do is bizarre. Didn't really get the point of this segment. Should be a good match on Sunday but I don't know what slapping fights will do to sell it.

Commercial Break. What's with the new Gameboy? When I was a kid, the screen was about an inch high and had one color – puke green. Unless you tilted it just right you couldn't see anything…and we liked it! All we knew was that it beat the hell out of the Etch Sketch.

The guy who organized DDP's block party, Eric Bischoff is standing by backstage on his pre-paid phone. He's approached by fellow leather affecionado Rocky Maivia. Rock thinks it would be a gesture of good will to put some speakers outside so that Steve Austin can hear his concert. Bisch thinks he's kidding, but he's not. Looks like we're gonna get some speakers outside and let the Rattlesnake listen to the Great Not So Bad One.

The Okie and the King of Memphis rundown the card for WrestleMania 19. I understand that WrestleMania has to be longer than the average pay-per-view but doesn't four hours seem a bit much? It just sounds long. The card seems pretty solid on paper, though. I can't see Rey Myseterio and Matt Hardy delivering anything less than a great match. I can't see the Big Show and A-Train keeping me from falling asleep.

RVD and Kane are heading to the ring. The Dudleys are doing the same. Not you, though. You need to buy stuff for Vince.

Commercial Break. Long Island University's CW Post tells me that "the Choice is Clear." I guess it's better than "CW Post – You're Safety School."

Liberace, Muhammed Ali, Mike Tyson, Mr. T…The Miller Lite Catfight Girls? Yeah, I'd say the boom is over.

(4) Rob Van Dam & Kane defeated the Dudley Boys when RVD pinned D-Von With his shaved head, D-Von looks like a smaller version of Principal Steven Harper from Boston Public.(JG Note: Bubba looks like a beefed-up Tom Green) Not a bad match at all. I always get excited when the Duds hook it up with a former ECDub alum. Very few people can go toe-to-toe with Van Dam's stiff style and still come out with a solid performance. The Dudleys could do just that. Great stuff from Reverend D-Von who hit an amazing second rope neckbreaker on 8 Minutes of the Whole Dam Show. Good action with RVD hitting with his "educated feet" and Bubba nailing him with a combo hiplock figherman brainbuster. Big finish saw the Big Cheifbowski run in to distract the ref for a Lance Storm attack. Stormy misstimed and hit the D-Von. Van Dam climbs the buckles and hits the Five Star Splash for the win. Oh my! Another unlikey win! This unlikely team…they're just so dam unlikey!

Speakers are being set up by the Austinmobile. The Stunning Ringmaster gets on his cell and hits up a contact. He enters the car and chats away. I hope he dialed down the center.

Still to come…Smackdown for some reason.

Commercial Break. Stacker 2 is the world's second strongest fat burner. The first one is of course fire.

It's the grandson of High Chief Peter Maivia, the son of Rocky Johnson, the People's Champion, The Brahma Bull, the Scorpion King, the Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment, the Rock and he's here to lay the Smackdown, Dunk a Dunk and the Boom Boom on all their Candy Asses! (JG Note: Phew)

This is crazy. Vince has the old lighting from 1995 in the ring to spell out "The Rock." The Bald Bull takes a seat at his stool and welcomes us to the "Rock Concert." He calls out to his peeps in Sacramento and proceeds to insult them. He sings some pretty poorly written parodies that focus on the Kings, Sacramento, and Steve Austin being "high" if he thinks he can take out the Rock. The Scorpion Champ then pays homage to the man who signed his guitar, Willie Nelson, by singing a parody of "On the Road Again." (JG Note: Willie Nelson signed his guitar? He hung out with Willie Nelson? Now I know where the "funny cigarette" references came from.) The People's Champ begins to drag when he sings "I did it Rock's Way." I couldn't tell if Rocky was playing into it or just felt he was entertaining. There's a thin line between "great heel" and "delusional." When suddenly…

An Ambulance pulls into the building and as it does, the Austinmobile speeds in behind it. Rocky loses his mind and calls out reinforcement. Out come the rent-a-cops compelte with the midget woman. When the Rattlesnake's ride hit the ring, out jumped…Hurricane Helms! Suga Shane danced atop the truck until Rocky had security drag him away. But with the guards gone, the Bionic Redneck emmerged from under a sheet in the back of the truck and rushed the ring pummeling the Rocky One with fists and kicks. He chased his WrestleMania opponent from the ring with his signed six string.

Austin goes to smash him with the Willie Nelson autographed guitar but then figures he can sell it on Ebay. Stunning Steve takes the guitar (JG Note: Because he knows you all want to hear his new hit single, "That's Alright Honky Tonk Mama") and antagonizes the The Eyebrow Guy back to the ring. He then drops it to the mat and smashes his foot down. The Rock is upset as we fade to…

Mr. McMahon is here and he's making us go into overtime. It may take the former WBF chairman to stagger his way out here so in the meantime watch this…

Commercial Break. Hulk Hogan thinks I should use 10-10-220 and screw that Carrotop guy. Why am I still watching Raw?

The son of a son of a promoter, Vincent Kennedy McMahon Junior is center ring. He's here to show clips of his bloody beating of Hulk Hogan on Smackdown. You see, Vince may have been able to draw higher numbers than Eric Bischoff and WCW but he can't beat George W. Bush and World War 3. Essentially, Vince beat Hogan with a chair and then signed the contract in his own blood. He did the same thing with Steve Austin about 4 years ago. Vince likes the "sign the contract in blood" angle. Big Mac promises to destroy Hulkamania at WrestleMania before he leaves. If what he's done to his company is any indication of how he destroys things – I'd say he has a good shot.

Commercial Break. OK, now we're entering the realm of commercials that aren't usually on Raw. Seaworld? What the hell? I live in NY.

Jim Ross and the King promise that CSI is coming. Good, I was worried. Jumpers take off their glasses when they jump.

Recap of Kurt Angle demanding an apology from Brocktune Lesnar on Smackdown. Kurt says that he will pay for injuring his brother Eric. According to the Olympic Champ, if you mess with one Angle, you mess with them all (JG Note: Right Angle, Obtuse Angle, Acute Angle, Kurt Angle). Hunter's Boot-ay comes out and tells the Champion that he has to win at Mania or lose his title. If there is a disqualification or countout, Angle loses the strap. Steph then sends out Super Crash Holly, Brock, to eat the Angles. Kurt pushes his brother Eric into the belly of the beast but then attacks Lesnar when he's distracted. Your Olympic Hero gives Brocky an Angle slam on a chair and locks him in a chin lock until refs come to separate them. Why am I reviewing Smackdown?

Commercial Break. Is there anything worth sticking around for after this?

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler remind me to watch WrestleMania for four hours and then fade to black…

All in all… uh…ok let me explain my stance on this show. It wasn't a bad show per se. In fact, at any other time period, this program would have garnered some positive feedback. But, this is WrestleMania buildup. This is the final hard sell before Sunday's money maker. Tonight's show was the type of program they should have done three weeks ago – plain and simple. The bottom line on WWE is that even when we forgive their errors at other times of the year, people expect a lot around this time of year, especially a week before the big event. This show didn't deliver in that respect. I liked the interweaving of Austin's story although I feel it was half-done and a bit confusing at times with Stone Cold repeatedly backing away. I hope they have something in store for Sunday. I also hope it's not just Goldberg.

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