Originally Published March 4, 2008
Yo, yo, yo, Daddy Mac!
We implemented your idea of bringing ECW to the mainstream. Using Tazz as our crossover star, we've introduced some new things and produced some new TV programs. Needless to say, it didn't go well. It didn't go well at all.
Enclosed are three video clips of these incidents. I've put them on VHS. Please don't smash the video tapes with a hammer this time. As I told you on the phone, the Transformers was just a movie, Just a movie.
There Goes The Money,
PS: Who do I have to f'n kill to get on Dancing With The Stars!?
Extreme Makeover: Tazz Edition
Ty Pennington: Back from the break and...are they ready? Okay. Let's bring Tazz in.
Tazz: Hello Ty.
Ty: Now, Tazz, you performed plastic surgery on our volunteer Christina. It was up to you to give her a makeover that you thought would be good. That's what we do here on Extreme Makeover Tazz Edition.
Tazz: (spinning around a chair) That's what I did, Ty. I really juiced up this little tah-may-tah. As you can see here, I gave her bigger lips.
Ty: Oh my.
Tazz: I also stretched out her eye here and removed this one. Then - the coup de grâce, if you will - I gave her this one horn sticking out of her head.
Ty:This is…horrendous. My God!
Tazz: Horrendous? That slang for cool? Like "phat?" Like, "Hey that's phat! That's horrendously phat!"
Ty: No…Horrendous as in horrendous. Christina, you can't be happy with this….Christina?
Tazz: No use, Pennington. She's dead.
Ty: She's dead!?
Tazz: Yeah. I thought that was the point. Kill her and rearrange her face.
Ty: No. You're supposed to do surgery.
Tazz: Huh? I ain't a surgeon.
Ty: What the f**k! Go to commercial! Go to commercial!
ECW Extreme Energy Drink
Joe Fowler: Hello everyone. This is Joe Fowler. I'm a somewhat unknown infomercial host right now, but few know that I spent some time with World Wrestling Entertainment back when it was the World Wrestling Federation. So it holds a special place in my heart. That's why I'm here with WWE ECW Superstar Tazz!
Tazz: Hey there, Joey Fowler. Hey. Do you know Joey Numbers?
Tazz: Ha ha. That's a little joke. Lighten up. Lighten up there, Joey. I'm here to tell you about ECW's new Extreme Energy Drink. It's horrendously phat, if I do, ya know, say so myself. Thank you very much. You know, Joey, ECW was built on blood, sweat, and tears.
Joe: That sounds great. What's in the drink, Tazz?
Tazz: You deaf, Fowler? I just told ya. Blood, sweat, and tears.
Joe: Ha ha.
Tazz: Why are you laughing?
Joe: That…That doesn't really have blood, sweat, and tears in it, does it?
Tazz: Yes. Drink it.
Tazz: YOU DRINK THIS OR I WILL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH!
Joe: Help! Help!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen….Hannah Tazzmania!
Hannah Tazzmania: Hey kids. You ready to dance?
The younger children start to cry.
Tazzmania: Come on, kids. Let's sing about text messaging and Uggs and bulimia or whatever it is you girls all sing about.
Father: (to his daughter) Come on, Kaylie. We're leaving.
Tazzmania:Up yours, Chah-lie! OK. Let's just dance. Dance. Now!
Scared, everyone dances.
Tazzmania: (singing and doing The Robot) Don't tell my heart. My achey breaky heart. I just don't think it'd understand…
A few weeks ago, Chavo Guerrero captured the ECW Title from C.M. Punk. Afterwards, he celebrated with his horse on a stick from WCW, Pepe. Don't ask how he celebrated. You don't want to know. Oooooo, Chavo.
ECW Theme Plays.
Sci-Fi in the house! It's ECW time as Joey Styles welcomes us to tonight's show. Alongside the human announcing machine, Tazz, Jo-Jo is ready for a jam-packed edition of ECDub. That ain't just hype either. Two title matches. Count 'em. Two. First, we have M and M, Miz and Morrison, defending their tag straps against Colin "The Bop Bag" Delaney and Tommy "I Like This Gimmick Better Than When I Drank Out Of Urinals" Dreamer. From there, it's C.M. Punk working to take back his ECW Championship from Chavo Guerrero. Only one way to find out what will happen in these matches. See 'em, punk. First up…
Man, Tommy, it's an honor to team up with you.
No problem, Colin.
Say, man. You can, you know, kick my ass if you want.
Everyone does. Go on. Kick my ass. It's okay.
No…It's alright. Thanks though.
Look. Between you and I, it turns me on. Why the hell do you think I still show up? Please. Kick my ass. At least spit on me. I'll pay you.
1. WWE Tag Team Champions Mike The Miz and John Morrison defeated Colin Delaney and Tommy Dreamer via disqualification.
Can you believe that The Miz ended up getting over as good as he has? Seriously. A few years ago, this guy was the joke that read his lines from the back of his wrist during the Diva Search. Now he's one of the hottest rising heels in the company. Like Santino Marella, Mike needed to turn bad to truly find himself. As for Morrison, he's always had the potential to go far. He won Tough Enough. Then he had about 100 names in a month. (Blaze, Nitro, Spade, Etc) Then there was MNM. Now, he's doing his own thing and has a unique entrance. That's something that goes a long way nowadays. Tommy Dreamer and Colin Delaney worked well together here. Colin's in a great spot. People like Spike Dudley and 1,2,3 Kid had great runs because of the fact that they could flop around like a WWF Wrestling Buddy for giants. That's what Delaney can do. In fact, that's what he did. The tag champions took turns beating him senseless. The whole time, John Morrison was chewing gum. I kept hearing Gorilla Monsoon scolding him in my head. As a kid, I remember Monsoon always noticing things like that and saying, "Awful dangerous chewing that gum in there, Lord Alfred. That's a good way to get your lights put out in a hurry." Then Alfred would laugh and talk about swinging with women he met while touring. OK. Enough. Stop going down memory lane. You'll miss what's happening now. What's that? Delaney going De-Looney, that's what. Unable to handle the beatings, the Skinnyweight Star ran outside the ring, grabbed a chair and nailed Mizanin with it for a DQ loss. Ouch. We go to a replay and Styles says he will be watching the clip on WWE's website "all week long." If that's true, then Joey Styles has no life.
You know, Elijah, I'm glad I teamed you with Shelton Benjamin. You two look alike.
Mr. McMahon, that's racist.
Why, Shelton? Because you don't think you look like him?
No, sir. Because I'm Kofi Kingston.
2. Shelton Benjamin pinned Stevie Richards after a bulldog.
Shelton Benjamin looks better every week as a heel. He has this crazy look in his eye now. He's also slowed down his style a bit too. Here he did some submission moves to keep Stevie at bay. It also kept the crowd pretty apathetic too. Benji retained control for a good amount of the match but Richards always looked ready to break out and explode. When Shelton finally missed a flying cross body, Steveo turned the momentum in his favor. The audience seemed completely disinterested though and his comeback was met with all the excitement of a filmstrip on the Dewey Decimal System. They did, however, perk up briefly when he secured a two count off of an Enziguri. Sadly, it was a short lived run. Shelly landed a bulldog and got the pinfall. After the bell, the Gold Standard delivered pretty much the same promo he's being delivering since 1937.
"WrestleMania 24. Money in the Bank Match. Here comes the Gold Standard. Ain't no stopping me now!"
- Shelton Benjamin
Thea Vidal's Butch Reed-looking fake son wins and Stevie lives to fight another day.
One of the first WrestleMania 24 commercials features Carlito kicking it to Maria and then fighting a bird. Yes. Fighting a bird. It was like when Peter Griffin does it on Family Guy only, you know, not really funny.
At WrestleMania 24, it's a BunnyMania Lumberjack Match! We'll get Candice and Maria versus Beth Phoenix and Melina. Snoop Dog will be the M.C. WWE's only regret is that Rob Van Dam isn't still on the payroll so they can leave him off the show for it.
On Raw last night, Santino Marella grabbed Maria by the arm so Jerry Lawler knocked him in the face. Guess no one told Santino that the King is the defender to naked women everywhere.
Backstage, Kofi Kingston is hitting on Kelly Kelly. While staring at Maria's cover, which is on a big easel in the interview area for some strange reason, he tells her how she too could be a Playboy cover girl. Mike Knox's ex-than takes this as an incredible compliment. Kingston smiles and leaves, but the exhibitionist isn't alone long. Layla El shows up and tells her off. Listen up, Blondie. You're just a hater. You're a hater because Playboy called Layla to pose and not you! Double K is annoyed by this lie and calls her on it. This is met with a slap followed by a brawl. As the two women trade punches, Kofi runs back in to help tear them apart. Yeah. That's the ticket. He wanted to end the brawl so no one got hurt. He wasn't trying to grab a little booty or nothing. Nah. Of course not. None of us would. He just was worried about safety -- not grabbin' that ay-ssss.
The following match between Kane and Jobber James Curtis is met with a special spectator….
THE AMERICAN BAD ASS! It's the Under…
Wait. That's Chuck Palumbo. Great. The Palumbotaker drives his hog to the ring to watch the wonderful squash match.
3. Kane pinned James Curtis after a chokeslam
Kane beat James Curtis in like two seconds. That's a bad sign, James. When your opponent has a foe sitting at ringside and he still beats you in record time, you're screwed.
Last night Big Show battled a fake Floyd Mayweather. Last year we got a fake Donald and Rosie. Next year? Who knows? I say a fake Tony Blair and Tom Arnold against Gangrel and a mini-Paul Orndorff.
Backstage in the Event Center, C.M. Punk reminds Chavo Guerrero of all he had to do to get a title shot. Quick question. If Punk doesn't drink or do drugs, how come he always looks like he's hasn't slept in weeks?
Chavo Guerrero Untrue Fact: Chavo (Real Name: Kerwin White) is the grandson of TV actress Betty White. Also, he draws his goatee on with a black indelible marker.
And his opponent…
C.M. Punk Untrue Fact: C.M. Punk's name comes from his favorite WWF interviewer, Charlie Minn, and his favorite TV show, Punky Brewster.
4. ECW Champion Chavo Guererro pinned C.M. Punk after the Frog Splash.
I've said it before, but ECW is a good WWE brand in the grand scheme of things. Think about it. There is no other "World Title" that Chavo Guerrero could ever hold in WWE. Vince McMahon wouldn't let him hold the Raw World Title if the entire rest of the roster was trapped in a burning building. The ECW Title -- Eh. Not such a big deal. He can hold it. It's also gotten him over in the process. No matter what they do with Chavo from this point on, you'll always remember this run. (JG Note: As opposed to before when all I remembered was that he lost the Cruiserweight Title to Jacqueline…who then lost it to his dad.) Both guys worked at a faster pace than we'd seen throughout the night. Although they exchanged some submission moves, both still executed quick reversals and flashy spots. C.M., who focused on Guerrero's arm caused Joey Styles to say, "Shades of the Anderson Brothers." The Champion still managed to hold off the Straight Edger though. He held on with a headlock and withstood a good amount of Charlie Minn's offense. Drawing boos from the fans, Kerwin hit some punches of his own. At one point, he hit one as the Punker was poised on the top rope and sent him splattering onto the outside. The crowd chanted C.M.'s name and, despite the fact that it's a live show and there's a ten count going on with a strong chance that the challenger won't get to his feet, they head to a commercial. Tell me what sense that makes. Please. Anyone? Anyone? No matter. As luck would have it, he didn't get counted out. Surprise. Surprise. During the break, he returned to the ring and Latino Nephew worked his leg like madman. Tazz explained why this was important.
"When you have one wheel, it's hard to ride the bike."
Mmm-hmm. Anyway, Kerwin targeted the Unicycle with cruel intentions. The crowd chanted for Punk to come back and he responded in kind. After regaining the momentum, C.M. nailed a suicide dive to the outside, messing himself up in the process. That didn't keep him down though. There were several more near falls but alas, The Internet Darling couldn't seem to close the deal. Calling on years of experience, Chavito fought out of every attempt. Even after eating a flying knee to the jaw, he managed to get a shoulder up. The fans gasped. Could The Pepsi Tattoo guy every find a way to beat the champion? In a word - no. After a number of near falls, C.M.P. caught the champion while he was perched on the top turnbuckle. He went for a superplex, but got crotched on the top rope. After crumbling to the ground, Punky ate a Frog Splash and was pinned.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em. It's fiesta time. Chavo remains champion. Punk's undefeated streak is a distant memory from yesteryear as we fade to black.
All in all…ECW continues to be one of WWE's most cheese-free shows. It isn't as watered down as the other brands with backstage nonsense and blah-blah gabfests. It has a point and does it's thing. Maybe it's because it's only an hour long. It just shows how great this company could be if they only had enough time to get their main points across and not waste time with skits about midgets blowing up fake dynamite.
Bad news - C.M. Punk's losing momentum. Good news - It doesn't matter. He can lose 100 times on ECW. When they eventually send him to Smackdown or Raw or whatever, it won't matter. They'll pretend he's awesome, forget that ever happened, and all will be good again.
As for Chavo, it's been smooth sailing for him. The most surprising champion since Bradshaw, Guerrero had a tough crowd to win over. He hasn't done it quite yet, but he's on his way. His matches continue to improve and he's getting more comfortable each week.
The Colin Delaney thing was interesting. I'm intrigued to see where they go from here.
Kane did a squash. Shelton Benjamin kind of did too. Altogether, this wasn't a show to burn on DVD and put in the family's safe deposit box, it was okay for 10pm on a Tuesday night.
This last thing has nothing to do with tonight's show, but overall, I have no idea why the heck this show is on Sci-Fi. The show before it had Linda Blair showing the scariest places on Earth. You'd think that Science Fiction Channel would show shows based on, like, Science Fiction. It's like putting Golf on the Food Network. I don't get it.
That does it for me, guys. Be sure to check out all the audio up on ClubWWI.com. Hundreds of shoot interviews and audio from all the columnists you check out here -- not to mention new shoots coming up this week!
Be Well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!