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JG's 4/12/04 Raw Insanity: You'll Buy Backlash and Like It!

By James Guttman Apr 12, 2018 - 10:26 AM print


First Time Republished Since April 12, 2012


Tonight's Raw is rockin' from Chi-Town and bizness is looking to pick up. Will the epic war between Mick Foley and Randy Orton continue to rage out of control? Do Christian and Trish Stratus have something in store for Chris Jericho's insulting and recycled insults? How will Triple H hold off the challenge of Shelton Benjamin…and Chris Benoit…and Shawn Michaels? There's only one way to get to the heart of the matter. Buckle up and get set. It's Monday. It's Spike TV and if you're not ready to get Raw, you're not ready for nothing!

April 12, 2004...Chicago, my kind of town

Recap of Triple H reigning supreme. You know, the usual.

Eric Bischoff has some splainin' to do for Shelton Benjamin. Uncle Benjamin isn't talking rice, he's talking revenge. How can you sit back last week and watch the dastardly beating by Evolution? Benji has 15 stitches! 15! Not 13...not 14.…15! You're the worst boss ever! (JG Note: Shelton must have watched some of those 30 second Nitro main events.) Johnny Nitro, arm sling on one arm and barbed wire bat in the other, interjects himself and tells Shelly to just chill out. So you got beat. So what? Deal, buddy. Shelton directs Johnny to keep his mouth shut before his baseball bat is used as an enema. Whoa! Whoa! Shawn Michaels, Chris Benoit and Mick Foley run into the room to defuse the situation. Save it, Benji. Save it! He's not worth it. Foley surveys the scene and takes his weapon back from Johnny's Blazing hands. Benoit tells Bisch that tonight the bases are loaded. Shawn tosses in a "Chicago," to ensure the pop and promises a bench clearing brawl. It's a gutter war! No holds barred in Moscow!

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome me to Chicago, which brings up the George Carlin question of how someone who just arrived at a location could welcome me there. They talk about the big four on four match and Mick Foley gets his cue.

A slimmed down Foley enters the ring with his trusty barbed wire bat in hand. Thank goodness that he has "Barbie" back. (JG Note: Every time he says "Barbie," I flash back to 1993 WCW and expect the Barbarian to come running out.) Foley has some ish, though. You see, he can't do what he wants to do to Orton. He can't tear him apart. He has to save some for Backlash. Tonight, in his first Raw match in four years, Mickey promises to do some "rompin and stompin Chicago style." So tonight's all good. The problem comes with Sunday's pay-your-life-savings-per-view against young Randall. As Foley ponders the pain he will cause Randy, he gets giddy as a school girl. However, that's just not Mick Foley. He's not the type of guy to delight in the destruction of a fine young talent.

 

 

There is one guy who loves that type of stuff though…

Cactus Jack appears as Mick turns his head. He morphs into a new character and Jim Ross damn near flips out. Cactus Jack is back! By God! He's back! Cactus explains the difference between himself and his alter-ego Mick Foley. Jack has no problems tearing people to shreds while Mickey F. likes to have himself a good time. Giddiyup, Ort. The Cactus Man is coming to get you and pain for him is close to "orgasmic." In closing: Foley: Conscience, Cactus: Don't Give a Damn…

Orton! Orton! Damnit, King! It's Orton!

Randy Orton attacks but alas is thwarted by the deranged Jack. Randy scurries and Jim Ross says he ran like a scaled dog. To test this theory, I poured a cup of boiling hot coffee on my dog and watched how he ran away. I can see how he could make that comparison.

Still to come: Triple H and Seven Other Guys.

Commercial Break. Most Extreme Elimination Challenge is now MXC. See all the important info you miss out on if you fast forward the commercials?

Oh yes. Good evening. I was wondering if I could reserve a table tonight. Ok, splendid. Yes. Around 7:30. My name? It's Kane…Monster. That's M as in Murder. O as in Oh no, you're murdering me. N as in Necrophilia. S as in…yes. Yes - Monster. You got it. Be in around 7:30. Ta-ta.

Kane's in the ring and he's brought to me by Godsend, X-Box, and Subway.

Paging the year 2000.…Year 2000, please come to the ring at this time…

(1) Kane pinned Grand Master Sexay after a choke slam Yes. You read that right. Brian Christopher came back. He was still the same. It was truly a flat moment. There was no buildup, no reason for his return, and nothing to give him credibility on the way in. Forget whether or not he has skills. How often do you have someone come back after 2 ½ years? You can do a lot with a guy in that position….or you can have him get his ass handed to him by Kane and take a pinfall after a choke slam. Grand Masta
 - Done and done!

Trish Stratus is bitching to Makeup Lady Jan. She has to fight Chris Jericho at Backlash? She has to team with Christian and face the King of Bling Bling. That sucks! Can you believe it, Jan? As they converse, Eugene Dinsmore approaches. He knows that Jan does make-up, but doesn't recall Trish. Suddenly he remembers that she's the "slut." William Regal shows up and apologizes for this indiscretion. When they take their leave, Sister Christian shows up and rests his baby's nerves. Chill, mama. Christian has it all under control. Chris Jericho is going to be one sorry Long Islander. He hugs her tight, stopping just shy of poppin' her money makers, and promises a defense.

Commercial Break. I was hoping they would make this horrific Chris Jericho YJStinger commercial longer. Thank you, Easter Bunny.

It's the Coach and he's brought a masked ninja with him. (JG Note: The ninja is Al Snow. They don't officially tell us this until the end, but if you were watching, you'd figure it out around now.) Coachman isn't fighting Tajiri at Backlash. Nah-ah. Well, maybe…if he can defeat Al Snow, uh…I mean Al Snow, uh…the Ninja guy..

Tajiri-San,

How is Raw? We have been having a blast over on Smackdown. Last week, Vince McMahon said we could take a nap and then help wash the tiles in the shower. Next week, he says we might have something to do. But no promises.

Best Regards,
Sakada and Akio

(2) Tajiri pinned Al "Ninja" Show after a kick to the head This was actually a pretty good match. The only thing I didn't like was the length. It was too long for the story it was set to tell. Not just that, but fans that hadn't figured out who Snow was early on, knew for sure by the end. It just seemed drawn out as opposed to what it should have been, which is a fairly quick win for the new Raw guy, Tajiri. I can't see the why they would have Al Snow go toe to toe with him. That's just me. Tajiri finished off the hooded Al with a kick and then unmasked him. Snow slithers back to the locker room to get head.

Still to come: The Rocker, the Pegasus Kid, the World's Greatest Tag Team Partner, and Mr. Bang Bang meet
the Master of the RKO, the Master of the Figure Four, the Master of Tattoos and Tanning Oil, and the Master of the Bees.

Commercial Break. What is a "Carb Control Cookie" from Subway? You'd think if it was no carbs, they'd say "no carbs." If it was low carbs, they'd say "low carbs." What is Carb Control? They sell you a cookie and remind you to control your carbs?

Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff are talking to each other. It's time for Shelton Benjamin to prove his worth. That punk beat Hunter? Screw that. How about if he goes toe to toe with the limousine ridin', jet streakin', wheeling dealin', kiss stealin', ballsy spinnin', son of a gun
. Ric Flair? How about that? How about you make that happen at Backlash, Bischy? Eric likes the sound of that and Ric lets out a Whoo. There's a knock at the door and Shelton Benjamin runs in and mugs him. He pushes Easy E to the wall during the melee and tries to strangle Slick Ric. Officials carry Benji off and Flair gasps for air - because he was choked, not because he's old.

J.R. and the King give a soft sell for the pay-per-view and go down to one third of the Triple Threat Main Event…

Triple H delivers an extremely clichéd promo. He talked about how WrestleMania 20 is being called the greatest match of all time. Sunday will be the greatest rematch of all time. Triple H is out to prove he's the best. Make a note of that. It's important later. (JG Note: This promo wasn't good. I thought he was going to start throwing in free t-shirts and mugs with my order. Seriously, that Barry Dodinski guy on the mid-90s pay-per-views was less of a salesman than Trips was here
.)

Commercial Break. Whatever happened to constantly pimping C.S.I?

My Long Island friends, one of you is a fraud! One of you is…Canadian! Mr. Jericho, is it you?

No…I am from Long Guyland. I head over to Crooklyn. I rep Strong Island. That's what I'm all aboot, eh.

Seize him!

It's Highlight Reel time, kiddies. Chris Jericho is in the house and he's got some things on his mind. Now that Trish Stratus is dating Christian, she's a slut. We make sure to reinforce this general feeling and the fact that she's a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom feeding, trash bag, ho. (JG Note: ...who rejected him. How does that make him look?) Even though it's a recycled insult, Chris parlays that and CLB into a rambling speech about initials that sounds witty but isn't. He was just pulling initials out of thin air. See for yourself…

"I guess it's Y2J against C.L.B. with the F.D.D.B.B.F.T.B.H. and during the match, when it's done and I get the W, their careers are gonna go D.O.A., then they'll be M.I.A., just like D.D.P. forced to sell DVDs of the OC from H.B.O. on AOL and QVC at the D.M.V. and all the time Trish Stratus will wish she had a little Vitamin C, baby!"
- Chris Jericho, 9:45 PM

Then they joined the PTA and ACLU in LA and ordered some LSD from DMX and some PCP from Mr. T. The crowd seemed to like it as they appeared to be big fans of the alphabet. Jericho eases Trisha's concerns over this match. Chill, Strats. This ain't the first time you've had two men at once. You like it rough? Ruff? Ruff? Ruff? That's familiar…oh yeah….

Geritol 5000 Shows Trish Stratus crawling around on her hands and knees and barking for Vince McMahon. Chris has slowed the tape and moved it back and forth, adding doggy sound effects in. Within days, countless Kazaa people will scour the net to download that clip…for other purposes.

Why is the Fitness Model in this match at Backlash? She lost the woman's battle royal. She was tossed out by this woman…Lita!

Lita comes out and is punked immediately by Trish. She pummels the woman that Y2J referred to as "The Queen of Extreme." This prompts Eric Bischoff to come out. Seeing as how you two girls can't get along, Bisch thinks that things should be settled in the ring next! (JG Note: He also thinks that one of you should take this $20 and meet him in his hotel room at 12. Bring an electric toothbrush and Magic Shell Ice Cream Topping - no questions asked.)

Commercial Break. Godsend is about a possessed child. Young actor Cameron Bright will be playing the role of Stephanie.

(3) Lita defeated Trish Stratus via disqualification when Christian interfered This was another long one. It just seemed to go on and on. At some points, I spaced out because it was so monotonous. I'd look up and couldn't believe the match was still going on. Seriously, it's been on forever. The crowd didn't react well to it either. You treat the Women's division like garbage, don't be surprised when people see it as such. Jericho showed up to fend the cheating of Strats, while Christian defended his Canadian girlfriend's honor. They stayed to themselves until the finish, where Mr. Christian earned Stratty the DQ loss for shoving Lita down on the outside. Remember how in 1987, when the Honky Tonk Man pushed down Elizabeth, everyone went nuts? It was the most horrible thing in the history of the planet. Now Christian slams Lita's head into the barricade and everyone's like "Oh look. He hit a girl." Welcome to the future, ladies and gentlemen. Scared yet?

Following the official word, Jericho went after Trish and tried to lock her in the Walls of Jericho, which prompts Edge's little brother to go on the attack. He pounds Fozzy's face and holds him for a series of Stratus-slaps. To make matters worse, he lands two Unprettiers on the fallen Millennium Man. Trish leans in and talks trash What an evil woman. Whatever happened to those happy fuzzy hats, Trisha? Where did the fuzzy hats go?

Still to come: DeEvolution X meet the Dudes With Attitudes.

Commercial Break. Gatorade has a new drink called "X-Factor." It's just Lime Gatorade that A-Train, Sean Waltman, and Justin Credible spit in.

Arvid from Head of the Class is interviewing La Resistance. Yo, what's the deal, guys? No more France? Why have you moved to Quebec? Since the duo can't say that it's because Renee Dupree is doing that gimmick now, they simply said that not they can go on their mission - to bring the French culture to the States. They're like Men on a Mission meets the Fabulous Rougeau brothers. Rob Conway flips out about how the President is a war monger and Americans are violent and obnoxious. While his political speech continued, Eugene came from behind and played with their flag. Followed by William Regal who came out to stop him. The French Canadians take offense and tell him to watch himself. Slick Willie assures Dinsmore that they like him. (JG Note: I can't grasp why they even referred to him as "special." The Eugene gimmick is eternal to wrestling. It just goes unsaid to the point that it's not real. Norman was like this, but we never mentioned that he was "mentally challenged." It was just a wrestling thing. Norman was just as "challenged" as Randy Savage was a coke head. Think about it. With Macho's bright red head and freak out, freak out moments, you'd say that his gimmick could be looked at as someone who's hopped up all the time. It isn't said though, therefore it's not an issue. That's just how he acts. It just is. If Dinsmore had just shown up on TV and been this without the back story of Bischoff's family ties, no one would have blinked. To get everyone's guard up initially for no reason seems like a counterproductive intro for a character that they don't plan on being overly offensive with anyway. Weird.)

Hello. Thank you for calling Supercuts…. Oh yes, Mr. Nitro. Mr. Johnny Nitro. Yes, sir. You no longer have an appointment with us today. It seems that a Mr. Jamie Kellner called and cancelled it.

Johnny Blazespade Nitro takes the microphone and enters the ring. Seeing as how Edge unceremoniously gave his mentor, Eric Bischoff, the Goldberg treatment, he applauds the decision to book him at Backlash against Kane. In fact - Edge get out here…..

Edge gets out here and goes nose to nose with the Nitro Johnny. Tough Enough informs Uncle Edge that he is suspicious of his new hand injury. That cast looks sketchy to Johnny. You have a weapon in there. Don't you? Tell you what. Come Backlash, you use that cast and you're done. You lose. What do you think of that? Edge takes the stick and vows that nothing will stop him, especially a threat from "Johnny Jacksass." Edgar promises to beat Kane this weekend and says that he could have been out of line for Spearing Bischoff. Edge says "Tell you what Johnny. Next time you see Eric, next time you get off your knees." (JG Note: Oh! I get it! Oral Sex! Ha ha!) Give him this…Spear! Nitro goes down. Shave Edge's head and give him a goatee. Who's Next, eh?!

Commercial Break. Are you experienced? WWE debuts a new show "The WWE Experience" on Spike TV May 2. It's better than the alternate slogan "The WWE Experience - Cause Confidential Sucked."

(4) Hurricane Helms pinned Sylvan Grenier after the Final Cut It was Hurricane versus Sylvan Grenier. What do you want? Nothing special. This was another match you could just imagine and it's the way you imagine it. Slow and pretty flat with the crowd. It came off like a real time killer. The finale saw Eugene Dinsmroe run to the ring and attempt to give the French Canadians a stuffed Bunny. Grenier took it and ripped it's head off. Distraught, Trucker Eugene picked up the pieces while a distracted Sylvan was hit with the Final Cut and pinned. It's like watching Sunday Night Heat on Monday. Oh - fun!

Shawn Michaels delivers pretentious hard sell part 2. He is the showstopper and vows to stop the show at Backlash. The Triple Threat Rematch means everything…blah, blah, blah. In closing, HBK is fighting to prove that he's the best in the business. Take a note on that too. Keeping track? Good. It'll all make sense soon.

Still to come: Him, him, him, and the Deacon against that guy, his friend, that crazy other guy, and the dude missing the tooth.

Commercial Break. There's a commercial for Monster.com with a nice older guy in a suit talking about his skills. Monster says that to "hire Lester," I should go to their website. How much you think Lester would want to clean my gutters?

Recap of Smackdown. I never thought I'd be happy to review Raw.

Video Package of Mick Foley's sickest moments. Afterwards, Randy Orton is shown watching on TV. The crowd boos. Boo TV!

The Kingly Cowboys run down the Backlash pay-per-view, which is heavily relying on the Triple Threat match. When they showed Coach-Tajiri, I kept thinking how Coach reminds me of Johnny Valiant after Brutus Beefcake turned baby face. He's a manger. He's a wrestler. He's a broadcaster, but he's not really known for any of them.

Chris Benoit's turn to sell me a TV show. He's here to show that WrestleMania wasn't a fluke. He's not a one-hit wonder and they'll find that out Sunday! (JG Note: OK, got your notes ready? Here's the moral of the story. Hunter's fighting to prove he's the best. Shawn Michaels is fighting to prove that he's the best. Chris Benoit is fighting to prove that he isn't just lucky. There ya go.)

Commercial Break. HDTV offers High Def Television. This is also the term that Rob Van Dam uses when he can't hear the TV.

Hey! You're Chris Benoit! You're the Rabbit Wolverine. I didn't get all the candy that I wanted yesterday. You also didn't hide enough eggs.

Ha, ha. Little boy, you're confused. I'm the Rabid Wolverine - not Rabbit.

Whatever, Mister. Where's my Reece's Pieces, bitch?

The World Champion comes out first just because.

Little Known Fact: Besides being Shelton Benjamin's nickname, "Mr. Benjamin" was what Ben Franklin's mom would call him when he was in trouble.

They're joined by the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels and the Every Other Bone Break Kid Mick Foley. They await the entrance of their Evolutionary foes. When Triple H and the Triple H Dancers show up, it's on. It's on. You got served. Let's see you dance, sucker, you got nothing on me.

(5) World Champion Chris Benoit, Mick Foley, Shawn Michaels & Shelton Benjamin defeated Evolution consisting of Ric Flair, Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista when Michaels pinned Orton This match saved the show. Up until now, nothing truly important has gone down. It's this one that gave the show a good feel that we had something tangible to remember leading into Backlash. Highlight early was Flair pinballing between corner punches from the baby faces and walking towards Mick Foley for the final shot. In full view, you can see and hear him him tell Mick, "hit me." That always makes me think of Sid Vicious, who mouthed the words so openly that you'd think he was praying. Altogether solid outing that allowed all the men involved to show what they had leading into Sunday. Adding Flair-Benjamin to the pay-per-view may no be the best choice in my book, but at least it added another dimension to this match. It gave Flair someone to have an issue with. The match culminates with everyone everywhere fighting everybody. It's the classic 8 man match finish. Foley uses the Mandible Claw on Orton before being yanked out by Batista. Too little, too late. It takes one finely tuned Sweet Chin Music to put Randall to bed. Good night, buddy. Those three raps of the mat means you lose.

Following the bell, HBK, Triple H, and Chris Benoit all stand there looking at each other while Jim Ross loses his voice and we fade to black.

All in all...This was a tough call tonight. I liked the finale. The main event was pretty solid. The rest of the show was just another case of filling time in between $30 pay-per-view payments.

The matches seemed long and drawn out when the storylines surrounding them couldn't support them. With one week until the big show, this was far from a hard sell. It was just like a blah sell.

The booking of HBK-Hunter-Benoit has been atrocious. Talk about resting on your laurels. If you know you can have a good match, why not present an interesting lead-in for it? Instead the company has decided to push it as "you saw what we can do, look what we can do again." The problem with that is that expectations become harder to match and the contest itself hinges on that. If there was something to explain a new conflict (perhaps the Game going to Smackdown and coming back?), things might have more oomph.

Benjamin-Flair at Backlash, huh? All in one night, the Tag Titles and Shelton Benjamin jump the shark. Ric Flair? Does a victory over Naitch mean all that much after you've got one on Triple H?

Brian Christopher is back and I would have been more excited over the debut of a new ringside barricade. Blah. Saw the whole thing before, didn't like it then. See it on Smackdown now. Don't like it there either. That's all for that.

Whatever. I've seen worse. Tonight was just a steady stream of "OK." I guess it could have been a whole lot worse. Then again, I wish it had been a whole lot better.

Meet me here next Monday. Backlash will be over and then maybe we can move on to more productive...ah, whatever. Just be here Monday.

 

 



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