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JG's 4/27/09 Real Time Raw Insanity: Shane-o Insane-o Strong Like Bull

By James Guttman Apr 27, 2018 - 11:40 PM print


First Time Republished Since April 27, 2009


hulkamurder.gif

 

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Jami Floyd: Welcome back to TrueTV. I'm Jami Floyd. Recently, comments by wrestling turned reality star Hulk Hogan has left his critics seething. In an interview, the bodyslamming superstar stated that he could have killed his wife, Linda, but did not. He went on to describe his understanding behind the motivation of accused double-murderer OJ Simpson. Here to explain these shocking statements, we welcome Hulk Hogan.

 

Hulk Hogan: Hello, sister.

 

Jami: Hulk, I'm sure you've heard this question many times, but what on Earth were you thinking?

 

Hulk: You know, Jami, I'm just a straight shooter. That's how I've always been. I speak my mind, but I mean no real harm. I think what people need to understand is that I didn't say I killed my wife.  All's I said was that I could understand how a man could kill his wife...and her lover...with a knife.   Also, I could have done it myself and smeared blood all over the place. That's it.

 

Jami: Can you see how people would think you're a bit crazy by saying that?

 

Hulk:  But, I'm not guilty of anything like murder. OJ was guilty. Not me.

 

Jami: Actually, O.J. Simpson was acquitted.

 

Hulk: I don't care what religion he is. All I'm saying is that I'm fun-loving.  Don't you remember the '80s? I'm a big cartoon character. That's why I relate so well to the Family Guy and the cat that likes to eat.

 

Jami: Peter Griffin and Garfield.

 

Hulk: What? No. Charles Manson and Jeffery Dahmar.

 

Jami: Uh...

 

Hulk: Man, I could have turned that place into a feast. Smeared "Death To Pigs" on the wall and eaten her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.  (licks his lips)

 

Jami: What?!

 

Hulk: But I didn't. I didn't eat her liver. Don't you get it? No one gets it. The press is making a big deal out of nothing. I just said it. I didn't actually eat anyone. I didn't stab anyone. I didn't kill anyone. I didn't shoot John Lennon...but I understand why someone might. I can sympathize with that guy too.

 

Jami: Wow. You can't be serious.

 

Hulk: PROVE ME WRONG!

 

Jami:  Ok, we'll...

 

Hulk: PROVE ME WRONG, JAMI! Know who said that?    (sly smile)

 

Jami: OK. Just stop...

 

Hulk: I also can relate to Scott Peterson, Drew Peterson, that Craigslist guy, the kid who was sniping people on the highway a few years ago, the Somali pirates...

 

Jami: Now you're just looking for attention.

 

Hulk: Am not! Why would you say that?

 

Jami: Well, for starters, you're wearing yellow spandex pants and sunglasses to an interview on a cable news network.

 

Hulk: So?

 

Jami: You're also wearing a shirt that says, "Give Me Attention" on it.

 

Hulk: You like this? I made it myself.

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hulktention.gif

 

 

  -

Jami: Joining us on the phone, former WWF wrestler turned Spiderman actor Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Randy, are you there?

 

Randy Savage: Hello?

 

Jami: Yes, Randy. You're on with Hulk Hogan.

 

Savage: Hello? Is that Hulk Hogan?

 

Hulk: Yeah, brother. Go ahead.

 

Savage: (long pause)   I'm going to kill you.

 

Hulk: I'm gonna kill you!

 

Savage : (in full-on Macho Man style) The Mah-cho Man is gonna - oooo yeah - take you out, 'Ulk'Ogan! (sound of hand clapping) Just like that. I'm gonna pound'ja! I'm gonna stomp'ya! I'm gonna hit the big elbow! Just like that! Freak out! Freak out! History beckons the Macho Man!

 

Hulk: Yeah, huh? Well I'm gonna come to your house and slit your throat with a machete.

 

Savage: Then, after I beatcha for the one, two, three, I'm gonna grab a steel chair and ....(brief silence) Uh, hey. Did you just say...uh, what did you just say?

 

Hulk: Yeah, brother.  I have a machete and duct tape in the trunk. Nasty Nick's my wheelman.  Watcha gonna do, brother, when the largest arms in the world smash your bathroom window in the middle of the night, undo the latch, slide down into the tub, go into your bedroom, and chop your head off?

 

Savage: (long pause) I, uh...have to go. I, um, have some crescent rolls in the oven.

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machoman.gif

 

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Jami: Thanks, Randy. (click) Now, Hulk, any thoughts of a return to the ring?

 

Hulk: You know, Jami, in 1987, I reached up to the Heavens and I slammed the 9000 pound Andre The Giant. I didn't think he was going to let me beat him, but he looked at me halfway through the match and said, "Boss. You go over." That's when it happened. That's the magic of Hulkamania. That's the power of Hulkamania. When your back's to the wall, what will your answer be? Will you run out the door? Will you run out on me? Life gets hard...there's No Holds Barred.   (high pitched singing voice) No holds barrrrrrredddd.....

 

Jami: I'm not sure what that had to do with my question.

 

Hulk: I'm getting to it, woman. Bitches get stitches, so watch your mouth. Anyway, WWE wants me back. Vince McMahon offered to let me own half the company if I returned. I told him no, so he started crying and peeing on himself. He begged.  He pleaded.  Finally, he tried to grab my junk and I said, "Whoa, brother. The Hulkster doesn't swing that way." He started crying even harder so that's when I left. I don't deal with criers and junk-grabbers. That's the God's honest truth.

 

Jami: Hulk, before you even finished that statement, I was handed this fax from WWE attorney Jerry McDevitt emphatically stating that nothing you just said was true.

 

Hulk: When?

 

Jami: Just now. That whole bit about Vince McMahon wasn't true.

 

Hulk: Yes it is. The WWE Owner's name is Vince McMahon. That's true.

 

Jami: But the rest of it's not.

 

Hulk: I thought you said that nothing I said was true. I'm afraid you have some misinformation there. I don't know who gave you that info. 'Round my house, someone gets their throat slashed for something like that.

 

Jami: Anway, Hulk, we're out of time. This has been nothing short of bizarre. Any closing words?

 

Hulk: Train, say your prayers, and kill your wife.

 

Jami: Lovely. Stick around, folks. After the break, Sandy Duncan will be here to talk about violence and fear on the set of her Hogan Family. Were Willie and Mark the evil twins behind the death of Valerie Harper? Mrs. Poole thinks so. We'll get to the bottom of it right after this.


This Report Was Originally Written in Real Time.

 


 

Hey guys.  You read that right.  I'm going real time tonight.  Check back at 9pm for real time coverage!

 

Our show begins with Lillian Garcia. She's stoked as a joke over Vicki Guerrero on Raw because now she can roll her r's like crazy. Vicki is introduced and she lets us know about her pride. Last night, her husband Edge became World Champion by beating John Cena. She goes over every word of her statement like an ESL class. But as the GM of Raw, she has a Champ of her own. He's the new WWE Champion. He's Randy Orton, bitches.

 

Hey Randy. It's me - one of the voices in your head. Listen. Don't forget to pick up your dry-cleaning today. It's been over a week. You don't want to lose that shirt we like. Oh...and kill people today. Lots of people.

 

Randy Orton and those sons of sons, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes, walk that aisle. With the WWE Strap slung over The Legend Killer's shoulder, Legacy enter the ring. After about an hour and a half of posing, My Three Sons take center-ring and address their public.

 

The New WWE Champion is greeted by some "You Suck" Clap-Claps. No one likes to get You Suck Clap-Claps. Count Randy among those people.

 

"The McMahon Family is mourning. All of them because their last hope. Their protector. Their champion...has fallen."

- Randy Orton, 9:06pm

 

Randall basks in the glow of destroying that Gamy bastard, Triple H, after five years of wanting.    He didn't just pin that wet-headed dillweed. He kicked his skull in and put him out of professional wrestling. Just like he said he would do. He didn't lie to you. He didn't make things up. No foolies. Ort promised. He delivered. That's service, punks.

 

All the people in the arena and at home need to realize one thing. You're all exactly the same! Those in their 20s hope for big things. But in the end, you're all going to be big losers. Big fat stinky losers. Those in their 30s know their already nothing. (JG Note: Stop kissing up to people in their 80s, Randy.) Cowboy Bob's kid ain't like ya'll. No way. He's successful. He's made history.   He's done it all and with his Legacy by his side, the entire McMahon family has been stomped out! Look at this movie! It proves it!

 

Movie Proof of His McMahon Beatings. Movies don't lie.

 

The crowd boos the mini-movie (JG Note: Probably because Vader wasn't in it repeating "STINGER!") Vicki don't care. She's just happy to have Randy Orton on Raw. Once again sounding out each word, the GM tells Orton that he'll be defending his title in three weeks. Who's it going to be against? The winner of...Big Show vs. Batista later tonight!   

 

Miss Vicki speaks for herself and all Raw's fans by congratulating Randy on his win. The crowd boos.  Mr. RKO isn't fazed. You people ain't squat. Neither are the people in the back. You all answer to King Head Punt. If not, you'll get your head kicked in. No matter how long you've been here, you come out...

 

Tick, tick...

 

Damn. I always think it's the Boogeyman for a second. It's not. It's Montel Vontavious Porter, otherwise known as I.R.S.   Irwin R. Porter lets Randy know that he's impressive, but at the same time he's "on notice." The U.S. Champ is Montel Vontavious Shyster and he doesn't answer to anyone.

 

Ted DiBiase decides that he needs to talk. So he grabs the stick and lets Mr. VP know that he's going to need to go home. It's early in his Raw career and Mr. Moneybaby doesn't want to see him get smacked down too early.

 

"Break youself, lackey. Randy didn't give you permission to speak."

- MVP

 

From there, Monty lights it up. He tears into the Abercrombie models by Randall's side. After some more insults that got the crowd going, Cody decided to take a turn at talking. He begged the Grand Pubba to allow them the chance to whoop some M.V.P.A.S.S....

 

Not so fast, folks. Vicki Guerrero has an idea. Tonight. Let's do this. Randy Orton vs. MVP. Makes sense. You're both here. See you later, alligators.

Commercial Break.


The clean shaven Michael Cole triplet is here tonight. He and Jerry Lawler reveal that tonight is the new Raw. The Draft from about a decade ago is finally kicking in.

 

1. Kofi Kingston pinned The Brian Kendrick

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The Brian Kendrick is here and he's freaking ridiculous now. It's awesome. With a Bret Hart jacket sans sleeves, The Brian gets mad at The Lillian Garcia for forgetting to use his full name. It may be silly, but if she can roll her r's, he can add a "the" to his name.     Kendrick can go further with this gimmick than they might  realize. The people always love watching an arrogant little weirdo get pounded. He's definitely doing the weirdo thing to a tee. If they can make him seem more like he's on acid or something , it would be gold. They should give him blonde dreads too. At this point, he kind of looks like Mitch Hedberg. Kofi was great as usual and when he finally beat The Brian, it was expected. The crowd loves him and he seems like he's really passionate when he's out there. Some guys feel like deflated tires. He really lights up the place.

 

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler go over the shocking moment when Big Show took out John Cena. During the Last Man Standing Match, Show threw Johnny into a light bulb and made him go boom.

 

Big Show feels terrible - you can tell in his eyes, awwww, as he sits backstage. Vicki Guerrero thanks him for what he did last night and Biggie says it's OK. But when he leans in for a smooch, he gets - OHH - rejected. No go on the smackers, crackers, Vicki is keeping things on the up and up.   All professional like.  Showster ain't thrilled but he obliges. What else can he do? Hold her down? Come on. Shame on you.

Commercial Break.

2.  Santino Marella, Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and one of the Bella Twins defeated Jillian Hall, Eva Mendez, Beth Pheonix, and Maryse

I hate the Santina gimmick. At the end of the day, it's harmless, but it's a time eater. If WWE can meld this into some sort of split personality thing, it would be good. Imagine the payoff is that he's actually nuts and thinks he's Santina. In the middle of some silly segment, he just snaps and beats them all with chairs. Now that would be awesome. Damn you PG. Maybe if they sneak it in the FCC won't notice. Maybe it's me. I never liked the man dresses as a woman for fun gimmick. Cloudy? Remember that one? Saturn in a dress? Nah. Adding to the Insanity was Hornswoggle who appeared under the ring with the Bella Twins. Did he get them? He might have. That's the joke. What hoochies. In the end, Marella in drag got the pin and celebrated. When he did, Horny Swoggs got a glimpse under his skirt. You get the joke, right? It's a dude. He's in drag. Mama mia. Them's a meatballs.  Ahhhhh! Hahahahah.  Ah.  We have fun.  We have fun.

Commercial Break.

Now Michael Cole loves the draft. Now he loves it. It's changed the show. Who can change Raw, you ask? Names like Mr. Kennedy. You know him, right? He's the guy you thought was on Raw already. Joining him is Hardy. Not the crazy one, the broken one.

 

Broken how? His arm. Matt Hardy arrives, clad in a tank top with a skull on it. That means danger and Matthew means danger too. Mic in hand, and cast on arm, he tells us all that his brother is a "barbarian." Weird. (Barbarian Note: NO HE'S NOT!) The Sensei of Mattitude shows his broken hand and gives us some medical jargon to set the mood. His Mattship ain't no quitter, folks. He's never quit anything. But after his brother broke his hand, Matt had no choice but to quit. Tonight he had no choice either. He has to fight this next guy. Who is he? He's that guy that keeps leaving and coming back. What? No. Not Mr. Kennedy. He's the guy you thought was on Raw already. Keep up.

 

3.  Matt Hardy pinned Goldust

 

Matt Hardy should wear the skull shirt when he wrestles. He reminds me of Doug Sommers mixed with X-Pac. You know, like they had a baby. All this DNA mixing and I almost missed the ending. Matt takes a page out of Cowboy Bob Orton's playbook. He buries his fake Iron Mike Sharp "injured" forearm into the back of Goldy's skull and scores the pin. Why wouldn't he. He can slam a tornado. Don't you listen to his theme song lyrics?


Randy Orton's crazy. Crazy like a guy who's up next!

Commercial Break.

 

Hey Randy. It's me, another one of your head voices. Listen. You should pay Legacy more. They deserve it...

 

Cut it out, Cody.


Oh. I, uh, thought you were sleeping. Sorry, man. Sorry.

 

4. WWE Champion Randy Orton defeated MVP via disqualification

 

Everybody loves MVP now. Did you get the memo? You like him now. It's not too hard to do either. The guy's flashy and people like babyfaces who can naturally insult heels. Seeing people like Batista threaten them means nothing.  It becomes white noise.  Seeing a guy like Montel who has a different persona than anyone else out there, yet one that seems like a no-brainer for a wrestling company, energizes fans. It reminds them that there are still spots to fill and not everything is cookie cutter in a business that sometimes feels that way. People have been climbing aboard the MVP Train since his feud with Chris Benoit way back when. The matches were great and fans weren't so much surprised as they were won over. Having him as a babyface was a weird transition, but popping him over to Raw does away with any need to explain it.

 

Non-Wrestling Highlight of the match? The crowd was battling one guy for a chant. They were yelling "Randy Sucks" and he would litereally moan out, "Leeehhhht's Go Ra-a-a-a-hnnnndddy!" It's was insane. Almost hypnotic.

 

They had nothing better to do. This match was a slow build and started off, as the phrase implies, slowly. It was a breeding ground for "later tonight" and "last week on Smackdown" stories from Cole and Jerry. They exchanged in-ring small talk for a while before they turned the heat up. MVP got the best of the situation and hit his Ballin' elbow. All was going well until he missed a boot to Randy in the corner. Orton dumped him over the top rope. That's when Shane McMahon came in with a kendo stick and beat Randy Orton up.

 

Seriously. I'm not joking. Shane-o Mac showed back up, beat the WWE Champion down, hit the big elbow, and ran for the hills. The rationale is going to be that Ort was tired from his match, softening him up. It beats the other answer to the question: "Because he's Shane McMahon. That's why."

 

Shane needs to adopt a 20 year old big buff kid to do these things.. That way they can keep it in the family and it won't seem ridiculous.

Commercial Break.

Last night, WWE presented  Backlash exclusively on Pay Per View and all over the place illegally online. Where did you watch it... criminal?

 

Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole talk about the Draft again. They also show the Big Show again. He's been on the show all night and now they're reminding you that he's here. Know why? Cause you're stupid. That's why. You know it. Jerry Lawler knows it. Admit it to yourself. In another golden moment, when going through some new names, Lawler said that Chavo Guerrero was "more than a wheelchair driver."    Even though no one introduced that idea to the situation. Oh Jerry. Come awn.

 

This triggers the Miz from Mizland or wherever he was hanging out. He hits and ring and reminds everyone that he was the face of MTV for years...just like Jesse Camp. He then tells everyone to Google his name. Check out his cell phone address book. Hillary Duff! Paris Hilton! Alf! He has them all on the speed dial and they don't know who any of you common folk are. Now, with John Cena injured, it seems like a good time to challenge him. So let's get a ref out here.


What's it gonna be, Cena? I can wait all night. What's it gonna be Cena, yes or no? What's it gonna be boy? Yes...or....no?

 

Ah! John Cena couldn't take it any longer. Ah, he was crazy, when the feeling came upon him like a tidal wave, he started his theme song up...but never showed up. After a few moments of the Shabba-doo song, the tunes are stopped and the spotlight goes back to Mike the Miz in the ring.

 

Mizerable Mike decides to rip into the Doctor of Thuganomics.

 

"You always say I can't see you. But I can't see you because your movies aren't in theaters long enough."

- The Miz, 10:25pm

 

Mike then channels his inner Vince Russo and screams about the same main eventers in WWE shows over and over. He's tired of it. Now, he's on Raw to get his chance and no one can stop him. Since Mr. MTV challenged The Marine and was handed back a "no," that makes Mike the winner by forfeit.

 

When Lillian fails to make it official, The Hoorah Kid takes the mic himself and announces his own forfeit victory. If a tie is like kissing your sister, a forfeit victory is like kissing your stepsister - the ugly one.

Commercial Break.

 

5 Unified Tag Champions The Colons defeated Jamie Noble and Chavo Guerrero

 

In case you were wondering, Chavo is more than a wheelchair driver. He's also a jobber. Tonight he's jobbing alongside Jamie Noble. The duo face off against the Unified Tag Team Champions, Primo and Carlito Colon. Jerry Lawler then explains that rules are out the window for tag champs. These guys are the property of Raw, but they wrestle anywhere. What does that mean? It means they're not the property of Raw. But they are. You'll get it. Follow along. Primo and Carlito are the guys you think are on Raw but they really aren't. Mr. Kenedy is the guy you thought was already here.   Goldust is the guy who keeps leaving and coming back.  If their Raw competition consists of makeshift teams like Jamie and Chavo, then carry on my wayward son. Go to ECW. Go to Smackdown. This makes no sense. Both Noble and Guerrero have talent and they don't need to be paired like this. It doesn't help them and anytime your introduction goes on while your opponent's music plays, you're a jobber. That's the jobber test. No matter how well you do. No matter how long the match goes. No matter any of that, if the Colon theme song rings out while the announcer tells the crowd who you are, you lose. The Colons win. That's what they did here.

 

Josh Matthews catches up with Dave Batista in a back halway. He asks him if he feels responsible for costing Triple H the world title lat night. After a long pause, Batista lays it all on the line. He's going after Randy Orton. He's going to hurt him for what he's done to the McMahon family. Most of all, he's going to take back the WWE Title.

 

Commercial Break.

Last night at Backlash lots of stuff happened. Everyone's impressed with Ricky Steamboat's return. I am too but if he really wants to impress me, he'll carry his son to the ring like he did in the 1980s. That kid has to be twenty-something by now. If he carries him all the way to the ring, I'll buy a tee shirt. I swear.

 

Once again Lillian rolls the r's for Vicki Guerrero. Once the General Manager arrives she tells us her big announcement...in a second. First we have to watch a movie of Randy Orton kicking McMahons in the head. Why? Why not.

 

Video of McMahons Getting Kicked in the Head.   Why not?

-

Because of this, Vicki signs a match next week between Randy Orton and Shane McMahon! The crowd cheers...because they don't have to see it.   

-

6. Batista defeated Big Show via countout

 

I feel like I've seen this match a million times. Sure, the names were different but it was the same match. Big power guy. Big big guy. Irresistible force. Immovable object. You know the drill. I still wish Batista would go heel, but that's just me. The fans seem to like him, I guess. To me, the whole thing seems a bit tired. From the snide glare to the machinegun pyro mime act, it all is very 2007. This guy needs to start beating the hell out of people for sh*ts and giggles. He should start with the McMahons. He'd get his own video packages of them. It was easy to space out in this match. There was a chinlock at some point. I don't know. It was really blah and for the most part, sucked the feeling out of the show just as we finished up. People seemed really tired until Deacon Dave hit a humungous Spinebuster and looked to have it all sewn up. He didn't see a sudden Big Show comeback. He also didn't see John Cena show up on the ramp...

 

...Yup. John Cena. He arrives to distract the Big Show.  Show runs after him and gets counted out. So there it is. Cena ran there just to distract the Giant. Now what did we learn here?

 

John Cena fears The Miz. Life lessons and Big Show screaming as we fade to black. 



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