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JG's 5/22/06 Raw Insanity: Van Dam's Master Plan

By James Guttman May 22, 2018 - 8:46 AM print

Originally Published May 22, 2006

Well, May 19th has come and gone and we all survived. Kane didn’t kill us…yet. However, we’re all still trying to figure out what exactly his major issue with that date is. Although we learned the real reason during Raw tonight, I thought the other May 19ths in Kane-o's life might warrant second looks too. That’s where this project came in. Using many of the Big Red Machine’s diary entries, family photos, and Paul Bearer’s scrap book, I’ve compiled a partial list of some of the Monster’s most memorable 5/19s. Some of them are shocking. Some of them are uneventful. They are, however, all special.

Like sands through an hour glass. These are the May 19ths of Kane’s life…

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May 19, 1979:

Dear Principal Jenkins,

Please excuse Kane from school today. We will be away murdering vagrants. Ooops, I mean his family will be at a family reunion. Maybe I should have gone back and crossed out the part about killing people. Screw it, though. What are you gonna do about it, Principal Jenkins? You met us. We’re f**kin’ crazy. Don’t make us burn your house down.

Ooooooh yes,


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Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

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May 19, 1990:

 Dear Diary,

Things have been rough around the house lately. Dad has been really frustrated in his feud with the Von Erichs and seems to be having problems with the littlest one. I feel bad for him. His skin seems to be turning whiter each day and his hair is turning gray, and he said he might want to start dying it grease black. I’m worried about him.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I might start going to dental school. Katie says that she likes guys who know dentistry. Uh oh! Ha ha. I hope she also likes guys who drink and drive and rape! Ha ha ha ha! That’s funny.

But seriously, I’m gonna rape her.



May 19, 1994:

Dear Diary!

Can’t write much, but today’s graduation day! I’m a dentist! Dad even has a friend at work – Jerry Lawler – who says he’ll let me be his own personal dentist! YES! SCORRRRRRRE! Dad says I should use a different name, though. Otherwise people will ask him to get them free dental work. So Jerry said I should be named "Yankum." When I asked him why, he said that’s what he does when he sees "a big set of bazoombas." I laughed. He didn’t.

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May 19, 1998:

Diary –

Can’t talk. Have to wrestle soon. I just saw Shane McMahon in the hallway. He’s so charming. I don’t know what it is about him. I just want to…I don’t know. Hook his balls up to a car battery or something. Does that make me weird? I hope not. If wanting to electrocute Shane McMahon’s testicles is wrong…then I don’t wanna be right.

May 19, 2006:

Dear Online Journal,

My movie isn’t playing at my local theater. They only had the Da Vinci Code. So I saw that. Blah. I hate Tom Hanks’s hair. He looks like a doody. Thankfully I got a new book I could read . There’s stuff in it about Katie.

Well, I’m out. I have to go and watch myself kill Rey Mysterio on TV. He’s lucky I didn’t give him the Lita Treatment – LOL!

Peace to all my homies –

The Big Red Mack Daddy

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Ah. There. I hope that cleared some things up. Pete Rose was a real bastard, huh? Now I kinda feel bad for Kane, don’t you? Just a little bit? No? You’re heartless, man. Really. You’re heartless. You probably don’t even care that his surrogate son, the one-eared King of Hardcore, Mick Foley, has betrayed Terry Funk. Heck, it probably means nothing to you that Shawn Michaels has another rough patch ahead of him as he goes into things handicap style with the Spirit Squad! Where’s your compassion?! Where’s the love? Huh? Don’t sweat it, though. I won’t judge you. Luckily, Judgment Day is over. It was last night. That’s right, folks. Tune to channel USA because the Road to ECW One Night Stand starts now! The Road to ECW? You heard it right. Considering all the DX talk, that can only mean one thing. We’re going back in time! Nice! I’m all set. Got my plutonium. Got my flux capacitor. Buckle up. When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re in for some serious Raw.

Last week, Triple H hit his wife’s brother in the face with a sledgehammer. Afterwards Vince McMahon cradled him and wailed like Chewbaca with his foot caught in a bear-trap.

From there we fade into Chewbaca McMahon’s face sitting backstage. The chairman explains that his son was "accidentally" struck in the face with a sledgehammer last week. There’s only one way for Big Daddy Mac to deal with such an act. He must punish the perpetrator. In this case, it’s Triple H who’s being held responsible. Strap on your jetpack, Sideburns. Mr. McDad is going to make an example of you.

Raw Theme Plays.

Hello party people, Jimmy Jam Ross and Jerry "PS" Lawler are in Las Vegas, Nevada on the campus of UNLV! The King has already scared 15 co-eds out of their wits by showing them how excited he is about tonight’s show! We have all five members of the Spirit Squad facing off against all one of Shawn Michaels! Plus John Cena faces off against Chris Masters! We have a barn-burner on our hands! Wait…what? Oh no! Billy! Get grandma out of the barn! It’s on fire! Holy God! Noooo!

Mr. Foley, will you sign my book?

Sure thing. Wait…this isn’t one of my books.

HA! You just signed a contract agreeing to be my slave! Now give me piggy back ride, slave!





Mick Foley has arrived and he’s wearing a suit because he’s playing bad guy and that’s what he does when he plays bad guy. Foley starts off by talking about his actions these last few weeks. M.F. insists "I’m not a bad guy" – suit notwithstanding. Come on, folks. Mankind is a g ood guy! He reminds us that he’s a "Human Muppet" who gives everyone a thumbs ups and tells them how great their city is. Well, actually, it’s not great to be everywhere. For instance, Las Vegas isn’t great.  That - amazingly enough - got a big boo from the Las Vegas crowd. Mickle says that it’s not great to be in Vegas. People gamble their lives on a roll of the dice. That’s not how Dude Love got his success! He got it the old fashioned way! He earned it! He didn’t play Slingo or slots! He earned his accolades. He’s not the only one, though. His guest earned his way to the top too. He’s blonde. He’s Canadian. ANd he’s hittin’ Matt Hardy’s ex. That's right!  He’s Edge!

Adam "Edge" Copeland shows up with Lita by his side and Jim Ross refers to his friendship with Foley as an "Odd Couple." Obviously, Mick is Oscar and Edge is Jack Lemon, right? The R Rated Superstar hits the ring and Cactus Jack expresses his appreciation for his girlfriend’s boobs. You know what else Mankind appreciates, Adam? He appreciates your Hardcore Match at WrestleMania. That was awesome. Screw da haters. They can hate. Foley doesn’t hate. He appreciates. To show you how appreciative he is, Mr. Socko’s Dad gives Copeland…his honorary Hardcore Title Belt. Wow.  What a historic moment.  It's not treated as such and J.R. compares it to Barry Bonds tying Babe Ruth’s record in terms of popularity, adding that no one is jumping for Joy. (JG Note: Probably because she doesn’t work there anymore.)

Edge is speechless. Folester, what can A.C. say? It’s not a needed gift, friend. Adam don't need some old title to keep him happy.  He has a hottie like Amy Dumas to snuggle up to at night.  That's all he needs. This belt should be around your waist. You earned it. You’re the real legend. Cope can’t accept this. Dude Love takes offense to all this. How can you give it back?! It’s a gift, dillweed! You don’t give back a gift! After taking an out-of-left-field shot at Ric Flair's Mania performance, Doodie Lovie tells his protégé that they both deserve the belt. So, if you want, we can settle this thing right now! Edge-Mick Hardcore Match Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. How about it? The Copenator tells Scooter that he has a better idea. He calls to Lillian Garcia, whispers in her ear, and has her make the following announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, here are your new co-holders of the WWE Hardcore Championship…Edge and Mick Foley."
Lillian Garcia, 9:13pm

Before we can think too hard about whether or not the Hardcore Title is really back or not, we’re greeted by a familiar face…

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Paul Heyman shows up at the top of the rampway.  He is wearing his heavy black jacket... in Vegas…in May. (JG Note: Why?  He likes to sweat.  It makes him feel like he's taking a bath in his clothes all day.  Ooooo what fun!)  He’s also got a microphone in his hand. Good for him. It makes it easier for him to make "ho" jokes. Just as the crowd started to join in, Heyman stunned us all by announcing that it wasn’t Lita who he was calling a "prostitute." It was Mick Foley! He’s a prostitute! He’s prostituting his legacy for Edge and Lita! He’s whoring out his name for another run! Well, Paul E. Dangerously will be damned if he lets you prostitute the name of hardcore. What’s it like to be a shell of your former self, Mankind? Huh? How’s it fell, dipstick?

Cactus replied that the only thing he sees in the mirror is the co-holder of the Hardcore Championship. That's right!  He sees a WWE Superstar! He sees an action figure! Isn’t it ironic, Paulie? You critique the former member of Devastation Inc yet you have nothing left! You have no more Smackdown GM spot! You have no more company! No power!  You have nothing!

Paul mocks this statement. No power? That’s not true. The Wizard of Bingo has the power to make a match of ECW One Night Stand. Yup. So he’s gonna do that. How about we make it you, Mick, teaming up with Adam Copeland against "two hardcore ECW scumbags that I can drag out of the bingo hall." The Canadian Cactus Express become angered over Heyman’s arrogance. After he makes a statement about Lita being the only one in the ring with "any nuts," the heels accept his challenge. In fact, let’s do it one better, Mick. Let’s walk the aisle and beat up sweaty little promoter. They leave the ring and start towards Heyman. However, they’re stopped by a big announcement. Seems that Paul has brought their One Nigh Stand opponents to Raw! That's right!  They're here!  It’s…Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk! Hey! Terry Funk?  I just read a book that had that guy in it.

A brawl erupted and the ECDubbers ended up successfully running off the Hardcore Champions. After that Thomas and Terrence celebrate in the ring to a chorus of cheers.  I’m glad Tommy’s testicles aren’t broken. They should change that guy's name to "Guy Gets Hit In Groin."

Commercial Break. Axe Body Scrub can wash away herpes. That’s the message I got out of their new commercial.

Coming June 7th – The 2006 Raw Diva Search. The great thing about this company is that they make it easy for me if I ever want to write a sequel.

Mr. Van Dam…you’re on.

Yo. Close the door.

Why is there a towel blocking the door?

Oh. I forgot to uh, look at the, um, I lost that before.

Dude, are you high?

Are you what?

I said high.

Oh I didn’t hear you. OK. Well, hi to you too. Now jet, dude. Lock the door on your way out and spray this for me.


1) Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin defeated Rob Van Dam via disqualification

This match wasn’t bad. The bad thing is that Shelton Benjamin has been winning, yet still seems lost. Sometimes it’s worse to ignore a champion than a non-champion. As the newly crowned IC titleholder, Benji has been used as fluff for Van Dam until he faces off with the Champ at One Night Stand. It’s a shame. Now should be the time to really focus on giving Shelton a voice of his own. With Mama Thea off the road, Shelly B should be given a new direction. Instead he’s given a title and promptly overlooked. Bobby Dam found himself the victim of a bad call in this one. After a ref bump, Benjamin retrieved his title and tried to hit Van Dam with it. Rob spun around and kicked the belt into Shelt’s face just as the referee woke up. The official promptly disqualified RVD. Enraged, Mr. Monday in the Bank took out his post-match frustrations on Thea’s son with a Five Star Frog Splash.

Backstage Vince McMahon is hanging and banging with some members of ZZ Top. After chatting for a bit, he summons Candice Michele to the scene. Excuse him, gentlemen. Mr. McMadman is heading to the ring for a little "public apology." As the chairman goes to get his sorries from the son-in-law, Candy is left alone with the band. She tells them that they're her favorite band. They then admire her "pearl necklace." To further push the innuendo over the line, she tells them that it’s "homemade." Nothing like a segment soley for the purpose of a pearl necklace joke. (JG Note:  I’m surprised they stopped there. Given their history, I would have expected WWE to continue it to include, "It’s homemade from having lots of sex because I like to have sex. Sexy sexy sex sex.")

Commercial Break. Truth.com is using a slogan called "WHUDAFXUP?" They’re against smoking, but not against swearing, I guess. Why the potty mouth, Truth.com? You need to relax. Have a cigarette.

They replay the replay that played at the start of the show. It’s a rereplay. Stay tuned. Maybe they’ll play it again.

Mr. McMahon has hit the ring. He’s pissed off. He wants Triple H to come out here right now. There’s an issue of Shane McMahon getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer that needs to be addressed.

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Triple H hath arrived and Vince McMahon is friggin’ pissed, Gameboy. What the hell? You best give the chairman those two small words that he craves. Make your apology and give those two words! That’s right, Hunter. Vinnie Mac ain’t down with that and you better have two words for him!

"Two words? You want two words? That works out great ‘cause I got two words for ya. I’m sorry."
Triple H, 9:49pm

(JG Note: That’s right, H. Make ‘em want it. Make ‘em beg for it.) Beaming with his apparent victory, Vinnie Mac accepts the apology only on one condition. Tonight, after the Spirit Squad dismantles Shawn Michaels, you will come out, Triple H. In fact, you will come out on Vince’s "command" and then smash HBK’s heartbreak head in with a sledgehammer. Do you understand, Gamy? Is it a deal? Trips looks his father-in-law squarely in the eye, shakes his hand, and says they have an understanding. Awww. 

I love you, Vincent.

I love you too, Johnny Cakes.

Still to come: The Total Package challenges PN News for the See and Say Belt Buckle.

Commercial Break. USA Network is airing a new original series called "Psych." Sure. I’ll watch that…PSYCH!

Over the weekend, WWE videotaped interviews with the nine people who went to see "See No Evil."

Todd Grisham is looking slick with his Ryan Seacrest haircut. No matter how well groomed, nothing can prepare him for his next interview subject. From the intro at the start of tonight's Raw Insanity, it’s Kane! The Big Red Machine says that May 19th with a bad day. It was the day that his mother and "adopted family" were killed in a fire. (JG Note: Hey! Remember that? You were supposed to be burned from that too, right? ) Anyway, The Monster says that the date has passed, but the anger still dwells. Now he can wreak havoc on his opponents. Muwahahahahahha. Hmmph. Pretty lame way to give away the reason behind May 19th. Very anticlimactic. Speaking of which, Jerry Lawler recommends that the nine people who saw the movie should go see it again. Jim Ross remarks that it's a scary film and he’s glad he wore dark pants when he saw it. I guess he’s, uh, kinda saying that he urinated in his pants at the movies. What?! A grown man urinating his pants? Jim Ross - For shame! For shame! You make pee-pee in the potty, not in your pants! What a baby!

2) WWE Champion John Cena defeated Chris Masters via STFU Submission

Here’s some insanity. ECW is a pay-per-view, right? There’s one problem, though. It’s being presented almost as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between WWE and ECW is one between sovereign entities. In other words, the show should be looked at as an independently run thing to an extent. It should be presented as an "outsider" pay show. It would help the mystique and attract more curiosity buys. Instead, right at the start of this match, WWE gives them a dumb graphic/voiceover of Paul Heyman saying that "ECW One Night Stand is sponsored by X-Men The Game." Amazing. It seemed so out of place. When the graphic ended, J.R. seemed stuck for words before The King asked what all the "ECW stuff" was about. I’m not saying that World Wrestling Entertainment needs to portray them as a separate company. I’m saying that it would probably make it more exciting in the long run. Speaking of exciting, this match wasn’t. It seemed like a throwaway match, which is sad when you consider that John is the WWE Champion. In a fairly quick outing, Cena told Chris Masters to "STFU" and scored a tapity tapity tap.

One of a kind!

"Mr. Money in the Bank" Rob Van Dam arrives suddenly and unexpectedly. He has some words for the WWE Champion whether he wants to hear it or not. Listen, Cena, RVD earned a title shot for one reason. He had to! Had he not won the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, he would never have been granted a title match! Never! Well, listen Champ, Robby V. is not letting this opportunity get kicked. He’s not going to lose out on a title shot. Mr. VD tells The Thugamonic Doctor that he wants to have his match at a place where he feels "much more comfortable." Where does Rob feel "much more comfortable?" Why, in the company he worked for six years ago, of course! Mr. Good Old Days lets the Champion know that he’s using his title shot at – wait for it – Sunday Night Heat! Nah, nah. I’m playin’. I’m playin’. He said "ECW One Night Stand." Ha ha. I had you there for a second, right? No? No. OK.

Sadly, "Sunday Night Heat" might have gotten a stronger reaction. Van Dammy made the announcement with tons of Extreme Energy and was greeted with unexpected apathy. Upon hearing this crazy news, John Cena looked back and forth and seemed to be contemplating his next move. Robby tossed aside his finger-painted James Bond briefcase and the two went nose to nose in that weird wrestling way. I swear, it looked like RVD kissed Cena’s nostril at one point. The Eskimo kisses turned to slapping when Robert swung at Dr. Thuggy. JC registered the shot and returned some punches of his own.

A small brawl broke out and the Champ appeared to have the better of the deal until Chris Masters made his triumphant return with the briefcase as a weapon. Xena ducked and knocked Chris from the ring, but when he turned around, he found himself Van Daminated by his ECW ONS Challenger. Yay! Right? Yay? We’re supposed to cheer? I don’t know. I thought we were. The people in the audience must not have gotten the memo because they booed. Yeah. Boo! Even J.R. admits that The Whole Dam Show isn’t getting the most positive ovation. Jerry Lawler sums it all up by saying that he doesn't deserve cheers. Know why?

"Why should he? This is the WWE. Who cares about ECW’s crap?"
Jerry Lawler, 10:11pm

 Talk about summing it all up in one statement.  I love when WWE tries to unsell me stuff. I sometimes feel like I buy their merchandise and pay-per-views despite them. It’s like they’re using reverse psychology. "Hey, man. Don’t buy this show. This show sucks. You don’t wanna see it. Nah. This show is only for dumb people. You’re not dumb are you? Go on. Call the cable operator, dummy dumb dumb head."

Commercial Break. Judgment Day - The guy who’s as tall as the street sign on your block beats a legend. The guy whose as tall as the fire hydrant on you block beats an Acolyte. Call your cable operator and order the replay, dummy!

Backstage, Carlito is trying to convince Maria to help him rig card games at the Vegas clubs. At first she’s surprised by the proposal that she help a wrestler cheat. (JG Note: You’d think she’d be used to that kind of thing by now.) She eventually agrees once she sees that Lito’s hiding an Ace in his afro for backup. On the way to go and cheat with Carlito, Mary sees Gene Sntisky dressed to the nines. Gene-o is keen-o for his date with a real live Las Vegas Lady. The Former Diva Search Contestant spots the woman standing off in the distance. Snitsky pops a breath strip and swaggers his way to the big girl with her back turned. At this point he drops to one knee and ogles her foot. He even offers to go see "See No Evil," adding:

"We can go see the new movie from Kane. See No Evil. I once killed his unborn fetus, but we’re over that now. I hear it’s really scary. You like Chinese food?"
Gene Snitsky, 10:17pm

 I laughed out loud here.  Now a t this point it should be pretty obvious to most people that it’s Goldust. Sadly, Snitty is not one of those people. He looks up in shock and can’t believe he just felt up the son of a son of a plumber. (JG Note:  Hey Gene, you know what should have given it away? How about the big tattoos on his arms?) Anyway, Snitsky admits to enjoying feet while Dustin admits to crossdressing. From the side, Carlito tells Maria, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."  There you go.  This segment really needed to close with a bada-boom-ching. It would have been perfect if it ended with Carly turning into the camera, fluffing his afro, and saying, "Waka-waka-waka!"

Over in the coffee corner of the arena, Triple H is feeding his sledgehammer some French Roast. He puts the weapon down and then starts to pour himself a cup of joe to drink while eating his Wendy's Hamburgers without the bun. Unfortunately for Hunter, Shawn Michaels hates coffee. He shoves the drink from Tripster’s gamy hand and demands to know the meaning behind his apology earlier. Why are you such a beechboy, punk? Sorry? You’re sorry? HBK tells his former partner that he’s always had respect for him. Why? Because, until now, Helmsley has always been able to stand on his own. Now he’s a punk. Punky Brewster, Levesque. You heard that right, Cerebral.  You're a Punky Brewster! So there! Mr. Steph seems shocked by these sentiments and tries to defend his honor. Instead, Shawn shuts him down with a "Why don’t you just do what ever Vince McMahon wants you to do, sell out!"

Commercial Break. Taco Bell urges me to be a "Fourth Mealer." I’m now considering gorging myself on Taco Bell until I get serious health problems and then suing them because they made me become a "fourth mealer." Hell, what happens if I see that commercial twice? I might become an "eighth mealer!" Holy crap! Taco Bell is trying to kill me!

Someone gave Trevor Murdoch a microphone as a joke. They let him ramble on about the Da Vinci Code until Kane’s music hits. Apparently The Big Red Machine hates to hear the sound of the date his parents died and the mention of big name movies that opened the same day as his. Makes sense. He rushes the ring and confronts Trevor, who J.R. says "fancies himself a Roger Ebert." Now there’s a gimmick. It’s like Larry the Cable Guy meets Roger Ebert meets Dusty Wolfe.

3) Kane pinned Trevor Murdoch after a chokeslam.

I wrote the result of the match before the match ended. Jerry Lawler says that out of all the movies that opened on May 19th, Kane’s had "the third highest first screen average!" Wow! The third highest first screen average! What the f**k does that mean? No clue. Even worse, it doesn’t even sound impressive. Ross saves the drowning marketing campaigning by breaking it down to talk that the plebeians can understand. Over half a million people saw "See No Evil," folks. Now that sounds pretty cool, right? Suddenly, during all the chit-chat, Jacob Goodnight nailed Murdoch with a chokeslam and scored a pinfall, just like I predicted earlier. I’m a friggin’ psychic.

After the bell, Mr. Third Highest First Screen Average hit Rex Reed with two more chokelsams. In a strange moment, J.R. remarked , " That match lasted about as long as Paris Hilton and Matt Leinert’s relationship." Following the bout, another video played on the Titantron tormenting the Big Red Machine. This time around, the voice-over said that May 19th was only the beginning. Oh, and the taunting voice-over, of course, is still done in Kane’s own voice.  Why?  Because WWE wants to see how many stupid angles they can get this guy to do with a straight face.

Commercial Break. Chili’s has Mexican Shrimp Scampi for $9.99. Small print informs me that the prices are "higher in Hawaii and Alaska." That sucks. I don’t know what the people in Hawaii and Alaska did to piss off the Chili’s people so much, but we better make sure we don’t do it. I don’t want to have to pay more than $9.99 for Mexican Shrimp Scampi. Do you? OK then. Stand up straight and mind your damn manners! Show Mr. Chili some respect!

WWE 24/7: Scott Hall "invades" WCW Nitro and starts the Monday Night Wars and New World Order. The fact that WWE is able to show this video on Raw still makes me cry a little inside.

Yo. She is so hot.


Look at her. I’d totally do her.

Yeah. Me too. Too bad she’s married to Billy Kidman.

Don’t be silly. Dogs can’t get married.

What? Dude! I’m talking about Torrie Wilson, not her dog! What the hell is wrong with you?!



4) WWE Women’s Champion Mickie James pinned Torrie Wilson after a Mickie DDT

I always feel bad when the women actually wrestle. I feel like we all say that women should be featured more and blah, blah, blah. Then when they are featured more or allowed to wrestle, they get little to no reaction. I still think the answer is intertwining the females with the male division. The Trish-Mickie storyline would have been great if it involved a guy on the Raw roster playing the caught-in-the-middle boyfriend. They could introduce some OVW guy as Mickie’s "friend from the farm." Then they could fight. It might be the best move. These diva-on-diva things are getting really played out. There’s only so many times you can see the same seven women half naked on a Monday night. In the end, MJ scored the 1,2,3 with a brutal DDT on her doglovin’ foe.

After the official word, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler briefly discussed whether or not Mick was bipolar. Before they can fully psychoanalyze the Women’s champion, Trish Stratus appears on the ramp. Hey, Jamesy. You know how Beth Phoenix, your "old friend," has been attacking you? Well, now she can do it legally. That’s right! Aaron Idol’s girlfriend is now signed as an full time employee independent contractor on Raw and she’s got you in her sights! Upon hearing this news, The Mickster tries to scamper from the ring but is ambushed by…guess. Go on. Guess. Give up? Betty White. Yup. Betty White. Nah, I’m playing with ya. It was Beth Phoenix. Although Betty White would have been cool, right? BP opens up a can of womanly whoop ass on her old friend culminating in a chase through the crowd and out of the arena. As they run off, Trish watches from the stage with a big smile. Why? Well obviously, boring segments make her happy.

Still to come: The Heartbreak Kid faces off against Kenny, Johnny, Minchie, Lancelot Link, and Paddington.

Commercial Break. I’m really looking forward to Nacho Libre. If ever there was a movie that embodied why so many people loved Super Porky without knowing why – this is it.

Viscera must have been jealous that fellow Heat benchwarmer Trevor Murdoch had a microphone earlier because he has one now. Big Vis says that it’s time for him to settle down. He needs to stop runnin’ around. So, for that reason, he’d like Lillian Garcia to get her little ass in the ring. As his ex-girlfriend enters the ring, he moans like a panda in heat. Oh yeah, baby…

Lil isn’t happy to be here, Mabel. Sheet. Last time you and her were in Dirty Vegas, you chose the Godfather’s hoes over her! (JG Note: Holy crap! I thought they were going to just ignore that. Nice one.) Big V admits fault in that instance, telling Diamond Lil "that’s my bad." All that’s in the past though, Cera has something for you right here in his robe.

He reaches into his outfit…and yanks out a cheeseburger. See this, hoochie mama? This is a cheeseburger. If the Man on a Mission had you, he wouldn’t need this burger.  Yeah.  He wouldn't have to eat any steamed hams while sitting beneath the Northern Lights, baby. He could come home to your home cookin’ instead. Just to ensure that Gene Snitsky doesn’t have the monopoly on World Wrestling Insanity for the night, Vis then says this:

"Lillian, I’m 500 pounds of lovin’. I’m hungry and I’m horny. So what do you say? Lillian, will you marry me?"
Viscera, 10:42pm

Garcia seems to actually be mulling over this horny proposal until she’s interrupted by those Monday Night Rolling R’s…

Arrrrrrrrrmando Alesandrrrrrrro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada is here. Hey, chico and chica, ju two would make some scary babies. That’s all nothin’, though. Ju two have a bigger problema than jus' a hungry, horny, hamburger wedding. You have to deal with the mighty…. Ooooooooooooooooooooomaga!

Umaga ran to the ring and started to tear into the giant Love Machine. As he  whaled away on him, I assumed we had a match on our hands. Nope. J.R. informs us that this is not sanctioned. It’s just the start of Maga’s next easily-dominated feud. Jamal ends the segment by backing Viscera over the barricade at ringside and driving his magical thumb into his throat. The rapper falls to the ground while The Samoan Superman speaks in a language I don’t understand.

This past weekend: WWE Superstars went to see See No Evil. Afterwards, they taped interviews. Guess what. All the WWE employees seem to like the WWE-produced movie. No kidding. Weird, right?

The Spirit Squad is trotting to the ring when they come across Triple H. They tell the sledgehammer-wielding King of Kings to do as he’s told and stay back here until he’s called upon. Trips speaks not a word, but refuses to join in on their Spirit Cheer. Will Hunter side with his family or his friendship? If you wanna know when we’ll find out, I got four words for ya! After the…

Commercial Break. The Omen opens in theaters on 6/6/06. You’d think that date would piss Kane off too, right? I mean, shouldn’t it? Isn’t he a demon or something?

Kenny! Mikey! Alocious! Trenyce! Mr. T!

The Spirit Squad hit the ring and await the introduction of Shawn Michaels. After HBK arrives, it looks as though the match is ready to go. Unfortunately for the Boy Toy, Mr. McMahon shows up on the ramp. He orders the referee to take off. Refs are not welcome here! We don’t need no stinking ref! With no official in the fray, Shawn is left to face off with all five members of the Green World Order at once. Things look bleak for the Heartbreaker.

Jim Ross then steals my Schick and started mocking the names of the S.S. Lawler tries to talk some sense into his partner, but the trauma over seeing Shawn decimated by the cheerleaders is too much to take. The announcers can do nothing but watch as the Boy Toy is beaten down.  The Squadders do some innovative spots including a five man variation of the Hardy Boys hop-off-the partner’s-back move. The trampoline makes an appearance, but Shawny starts to make a comeback. Suddenly the whole Squad’s in trouble yo. The Rocker opens up on them with punches, kicks, and a flying elbow. Finally, when he starts tuning up his foot for some Chin Music, Mr. McMahon realizes he has a problem on his hands. HBK hits the kick and looks poised for a comeback until Mickey springs out of nowhere with a hellacious chairshot, knocking the Source of All Strength to the mat.

All five men then pounced up on Shawn and appeared to be trying to undress him for group sex. Luckily, they were just targeting his injured knee. Phew. They rip his pants and tear off his knee brace. With his naked knee exposed to the world, The Fab Five wrap a steel chair around it. Ken Doane then climbs the turnbuckles and comes soaring down with an Alabama Jam. With a sickening crunch, J.R. says that if Shawn’s kneecap wasn’t broken, it would be "a miracle." (JG Note: Too bad he pissed off God by taking part in that angle at Backlash, huh?)

The crowd chants for Triple H and they get their wish. The King of Kings comes walking to the squared circle with his giant hammer in hand. While the Sprits held the Boy Toy for the Game, the audience chanted "DX," which seemed to leave Hunter hesitant. Frustrated, Kenny took the sledge and tried to hit Michaels himself, only to be blocked by Trips! That’s when the punches came and the K.o.K. went to town on the Cheerboys. He knocked them all to and fro and finished off with a Pedigree. Mr. McFather-in-Law seethed from the ramp, but he could do nothing. Trippy loves Shawn. Shawn loves Trippy. It’s a beautiful thing. Now let’s fade to black, shall we?

All in all… This was a weird show. They seemed to veer into some strange areas here and there, but ultimately went in the direction they wanted to.

Sure, it didn’t go off without a hitch. Rob Van Dam is a perfect example of misuse. In the ring, he has a ton of charisma. On the microphone, he doesn’t. That’s why he needs a mouthpiece. Someone. Anyone. Make it Heyman. Who cares? All I know is that Robby V seems to lack a real feeling of anger during his promos. To spend so much time preparing for an RVD push only to see it fail because he’s being forced to cut WWE style promos is a shame. The reaction to One Night Stand was just scary at some points. While ECDub is a good plan, it’s definitely not going to be the giant Band-Aid that fixes everything.

Triple H and Shawn Michaels reforming DX. That’s the next big thing going on. Once again, another performer overshadows the WWE Champion. Funny how that usually happens when Hunter’s not the champion. Instead, the focus is on DeGeneration X. With leaked promo videos and early advertising, we’re all bracing for a DeGen reunion. The only question is whether or not these two guys, ten years later, can recreate what they once did. I’m thinking they might be able to. It’ll be interesting to see play out. You know, I think Triple H put it best back in his DX days when he said, "Hey fellas, I’m gonna go have some sex with Chyna."

Umaga. I like him. I could watch him slam his thumb into people all day. Then again, I love watching Abdullah the Butcher carve people’s heads with a fork. That should tell you something.

The Mick Foley/Edge segment was too long and dragged at points. Not only that, but Paul Heyman’s introduction of their ECW One Night Stand opponents was anti-climatic. Given his tone, people may have expected two names we hadn’t heard before. Instead it was Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer. No big whoop. Thumbtacks and barbed wire were invented to make matches like this more interesting.

The Snitsky thing was hilarious. He’s a real guilty pleasure on this show. The thing with Gene is that he knows he’s goofy and plays it off great. The thing about Kane’s fetus was a gem.

Speaking of Kane, WWE loses points for that anti-climatic announcement of what May 19th was. It reminded me of when Lita revealed that Big Red was the father of her baby. There was no dramatic reveal. It was just weeks of buildup for a nonchalant devil-may-care statement. I also love how they’re trying to continue the May 19th angle after May 19th. Now that, my friends, takes cajonies.

Altogether, tonight’s show was OK. It was better than most, if that helps at all. If you’re into the new ECW, then you’re into this show. Then again, if you’re into the new ECW, you’re probably also into those Long Island Ice Teas at nightclubs that are filled halfway with water. The New ECW – Now With More McMahon!

Thanks again to everyone that helped make the debut week of World Wrestling Insanity a smashing success. Thanks to all who have taken the time to pick up your copy and share my Insanity. It means a lot and I thank you.

Until next week, be well and thanks for reading!

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