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JG's 5/26/09 ECW Insanity: You're Not In The Hart Dynasty

By James Guttman May 26, 2018 - 3:48 PM print

  Originally Published May 26, 2009

Click the following links to check out the past BBQs:

Memorial Day 2004 *** *** Memorial Day 2005

=== Memorial Day 2006 *** *** Memorial Day 2007 **

Memorial Day 2008 *** *** Memorial Day 2009

Memorial Day 2010 *** *** Memorial Day 2011


Originally Published May 26, 2009




May 25th, 2009...Sixth Annual WWE Memorial Day BBQ...


Vince McMahon:...so he goes, "Why wasn't I in the Draft?" And I go, "Because you retired a year ago. We did a big thing." Then there was this long silence. I swear, it was the most awkward conversation ever.


Triple H: Yeah? Try telling Chyna that you want your Counting Crows CD back. Now that was an awkward conversation.


Vince: I hear ya. (looking past Hunter) Hey. You. Why are you wearing that mask?


Rey Mysterio: Me?


Vince: Yeah. You look like one of the Machines. Remember that tag team? The Machines?


Hunter: He's the midget machine.


Rey: Hey.


Hunter: Uno Teeny Enchilada.


Vince: So anyway.  Yes. You. Rio. Why are you wearing that mask?


Rey: Well, in the Lucha culture, the mask is a very sacred sign of honor. For a Mexican wrestler, to lose your mask is to lose your...


Hunter reaches down and yanks the mask off Rey's head.


Hunter: Zoinks! Ladies and gentleman... Lil Rounds!


Rey: (covering his head) What the hell?!


Kane: (walking over) What? You think you're special?


Rey runs off while Hunter sings, "I'm going home" by Chris Daughtry.


Kane: Great barbeque, Vince.    Would you mind grilling me up a hot dog?


Vince: Sure.


Kane: Thanks! Here ya go!


Kane pulls a giant dog from his bag and throws it on the grill. Everyone stares.


Vince: Uh...wow. OK.


Kane: Hey. Is it OK if I put some of these Ron Paul brochures around the pool?


Vince: The crossdresser?


Kane: No. Not Ru Paul. Ron Paul.


Vince: Ron. Paul. George.  Ringo. Whatever. Go ahead.


Kane runs off to the pool. In the distance, Mike Knox and Mark Henry are playing patty cake.


Mike Knox and Mark Henry: (slapping hands and singing at the same time)  Down, down, baby. I can do karate. Down, down, baby. I can shake my body. Down, down, baby...Ooops, I'm sorry. Down, down, baby, I can eat salami. Down, down, baby...


Vince and Hunter stare in amazement.


Vince: What the hell is that?


Hunter: Salami? It's a meat. A luncheon meat, I believe. It's delicious.


Vince: (annoyed) I know what salami is.


Hunter: Oh.   (pause)   So you were just testing me?


As they stare, Jack Swagger walks up. He is wearing water wings and holding a giant beach ball.


Jack Swagger: Hi Mr. McMahon! This is a great party.


Vince: (speaking slowly)   Hello, Jack. It is so good to see you.


Jack: Thanks. You too.


Vince:   (speaking louder)   I wanted to let you know how happy I am to have you on the roster! We're trying to give you the biggest push we can. After all, you're our first ever deaf wrestler. It's an uplifting story for our fans.


Jack: (confused) Deaf? Like cool? You mean Def as in Russell Simmons Def Comedy Jam def?


Vince: No. Deaf as in you listen to music by placing your hand on a stereo speaker.


Jack: I'm not deaf. Why do you think that?


Vince: Well, your promos. You just...the way you talk and everything. You're deaf.


Jack: Dude, I'm not deaf.


Vince: Close your eyes.

Swagger closes his eyes.


Vince: ( whispering) Stan Kroenske is a bad business man. (louder) Now what did I say?


Jack: Stan Kroenske is a bad business man.


Vince: You're fired.


Jack: (frantic) I was just guessing. I was just guessing! I meant to say, "What?"


Swagger begins making manic motions with his hands.


Vince: Ah. I knew it. Run off, ya scamp. We have some Braille newspapers for you to read.


Jack: I think Braille is for blind people, not deaf people.


Vince glares at him coldly.


Jack: Uh, I mean, where are you? Who said that? Who's there?


Vince: Ah hahaha. Go off and read, buddy. I'm sending the website people over to do a story on you later.  Go find Kane too.  I gave him a seeing eye dog to give you for your ....(looking at the grill)   Aw crap.


Hunter: Yeah. I realized that when he took it out of the bag.


Vince: OK.  Guess we're done. Hunter, go set the gazebo on fire and throw Rey Mysterio down the well. That ought to get everyone out of here.





So this weekend, I turned on the TV and wasn't sure what channel was on at first.   They were playing a long commercial for Star Wars Episode 6.   The commercial ended with, "Star Wars Episode Six...tonight on MTV."   I thought, "How stupid is it to name a channel after something and then feature programming that has absolutely nothing to do with what you named it after."   With that said, let's get ready to watch ECW Wrestling on SciFi Network...


ECW Theme Plays.   It gives me a brief seizure.   You think I can get a good nuisance suit out of that?


Big Josh Matthews and Matt Striker are in L.A.   Main event tonight:   Swagger and The Harts against Finlay, Dreamer, and Christian.   You like Christian?   Huh?   You like him?   Good.   He's here.


Christian Cage walks to the ring with his ECW Title in hand.   Striker mentions how fast he's risen in WWE since his "hiatus." (JG Note:  I wish they'd make up something insane to explain about his "hiatus."    I could imagine, "Hey Josh, I heard that he  spent the last three years on Mars fighting  Viking Ninjas."   That would make for some good discussion.)


Christian gives us a lesson in the harsh ways of television.   You know reality TV?   Good.   You know how those people are famous for five minutes then – bam – loser again?  From superstar back to dork in one foul swoop. Well, that's Jack Swagger.   (JG Note:  And the Miz, but we're talking metaphorically, not literally.)   Swagga is the dork that the ECW Champion is eyeing here.   On that note, Cage calls out the Def Jammer and says that his 15 minutes are up.


Of course, this brings out the former Champion.   Jack Swagger does his trademark delivery as he explains his accomplishments.   He's an All American American.   That's right right.   He also deserves a title match...oh, and he's getting one.   Seems he went up to a confused woman in a suit backstage and asked her to make it so.   She agreed and, at Extreme Rules, he's taking that title back to America America.   The only question that Sister Christian has is what type of match it might be for the fans to enjoy.


"An' I've already seen Christian beat this dork twice' match?"
- Christian

Cue Tiffany.


Running just as fast as we can-can-can-can, holdin' on to one another's hand-hand-hand-hand...trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say...


No.   The other one.


Oh.   Damn.


ECW General Manager Tiffany struts out and corrects Jackie Swagger on his facts.   It's hard to listen to it.   Her speech sounds like she's reading off of a teleprompter.   The weird thing – no teleprompter.   It's pretty freaky.   Maybe they have an invisible one or something.   Either way, it kind of hurts to hear her talk, but the gist is that we won't have a singles match for the ECW Title at Extreme Rules.   We're going to have a Triple Threat match.   Who's the third opponent?


Internet Sensation Susan Boyle.


Nah.   I'm kidding.   It's Tommy Dreamer.   Duh.   Who'd ya think?   Susan Boyle?   What's wrong with you?


Speaking of which, what's wrong with you, Tiffbot?   Why are you allowing this guy to even be on the PPV.   He'll be retired by E.R.....or will he be?  


No way, Jackee'.   Dreamer may be retired by the pay-per-view but it seems that he signed a one day extension on his contract in order to get an ECW Title Match!   Makes you kind of wonder why they did the whole timeline thing if they were just going to extend it.   Anyway, The Tomerican Dream deserves this and every title match he had before was ruined by the Swagmeister anyway – ya big ruiner.   So now you have to pay for your actions.   You have to have a triple threat match.   Suck on them eggs, Russell Simmons.


Oh, and the match will be under Extreme Rules!


Swaggy argues fairness, but is ignored.   Tiffy grabs her invisible teleprompter and runs off while he complains.   As if getting dissed by the GM ain't bad enough, American American finds himself taunted by Dreamer the whole time.   Enraged, he charges, but winds up getting tossed out of the ring...along with Christian!   T.D. dumps both of his opponents over the top and stands tall.   Striker and Matthews agree that they "like this side" of Tommy.   Huh?   What other side is there?   Does he write poetry or something?   I thought he was the Innovator of Violence.   Sheesh.  


Up Next:   Vladimir Kozlov in action.   Translation:   Whoever Kozlov is fighting is a jobber.


Commercial Break.   Dominoes now offers "Bread Bowl Pasta."   You can also order it under its other name, "F**kin' Carbs, Baby!"


1. Vladimir Kozlov defeated Joey Munas and Russ Taylor


What I tell ya?  Two jobbers. They might be great wrestlers, but in the WWE world, two guys without entrance music fighting one heel are jobbers.   The best part of this match was the announcing.   Hearing them talk about Kozlov's  undefeated ECW Streak while he's in the ring with two guys no one has ever heard of sounds kinda silly.   Even sillier was Matthews wondering about the mental state of someone who  would sign to fight two men at once...while Vlad is fighting two guys no one has ever heard of.   It doesn't matter, Josh.   Hell, he could fight 300 jobbers at once and beat them and I wouldn't be that impressed.   They're jobbers!   The ref can beat them.  


Awwwwww sheet.   It's awn backstage.   Christian and Tommy Dreamer are not getting along.   Dreamer is upset about being ignored in the ring earlier.   He thought you guys were friends, Cage!   You're supposed to be BFFs.   You got the matching necklaces and everything!   Remember at the sleep over when you said you were going to be friends forever and then one day move to Maui and open a small beachside t-shirt shop?   'Member?   Well no more!   Now you're not friends.   You're enemies.   Furthermore, you won't be ECW Champion much longer, Mr. Hiatus.   This sends Chris over the Edge.   He grabs the ECW Original and tries to tear his shirt off for some reason.   They end up on the ground in a big Looney Tunes style dustball until Fit Finlay shows up and pulls them apart.   Hey!   I thought he loved to fight!   Why's he breaking it up?   Finaly – you're a poseur.   There.   I said it.   You don't love fights.   Fightlovers don't break fights...they make fights.   In the ultimate show of karma, breaking this fight up caused Finny to take a hit to the eye.   Serves him right.   Fight-loving wanna-be.


Commercial Break.   Kentucky Grilled Chicken looks good.   Oprah told me to go start a riot at my local KFC to support it.   That’s how good it is.


Matt Striker and Josh Matthews urge us all to not try WWE wrestling at home...unless, you know, you're bored or pissed off at someone.  


Evan Bourne!   Get – in – ma – belly!   Gotta have ma baby-Bourne, baby-Bourne, baby-Bourne.   Gotta have ma baby-Bourne, baby-Bourne ribs...


2.   Evan Bourne defeated Mark Henry via countout.


I've never been a big fan of matches like this one because they just look ridiculous.   In real life, this would last two seconds.   Mark would punch Evan in the face and then he'd go to the hospital.   His family would cry.   They'd request your well wishes.   All that stuff.   But not in pro wrestling.   In pro wrestling, he not only doesn't get killed in ten seconds, but he also gets to do backflips and stuff.   I guess if I were him, I'd just gouge Henry's eyes the whole time.   I wouldn't flip anywhere.   The bell would ring – ding, ding, ding – and I'd plunge my fingers right into his pupils.   The ref would could to four, I'd let go, and the do it again.   Other than that, logic states that Bourne should be massacred.   Granted, he was for a while, but it’s just a hard sell.   I've always felt that way about matches like this.   Sure, David vs. Goliath is cool, but nine times out of ten, Goliath needs to kill David otherwise it's not a story anymore.   The whole reason David vs. Goliath is a story is because it's the exception to the rule.   In wrestling, there's a like a 95% chance that David is going to either win or fight valiantly for the duration.   Very few King Kong Bundy-SD Jones deals.   The fans feel that too.   Even during Airbourne's sporadic comebacks, they sat on their hands.   The World's Strongest Man did what all the doomed rasslin' Goliaths do.   He pummeled the little guy and eventually got too arrogant.  Evan rallied and climbed the ropes.   While Sexual Chocolate was on the outside, E.B. leapt off the turnbuckle and drove his knees into Henry's shoulders.   The Silverback fell to the ground and ten seconds later, David scores himself a funny little countout.    Yup.   95% of the time.


Commercial Break.    The Burger King is a Klingon.   As if the image of a full sized Burger King in a plastic mask wasn't scary enough.  


Tiffany has a purple office and some bad news to match.   Fit Finlay is injured.   That's what the invisi-prompter says – injured.   Since he's out of commission, there are some changes.   As they listen, Christian and Tommy Dreamer realize they're screwed.   Your six man match just became a handicap one.   (JG Note: There's a new WWE rule that says every show has to have a main event handicap match – every show, every time, no exceptions.)   This leaves the battling BFFs unhappy with their fate, but they only did it to themselves.   Oh the irony.    It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a nap.


There are three people in pink and they have Bret Hart's music.   They take to the ring and the blonde one speaks...  


"I wanted to give everybody a really quick history lesson.   Standing right here is the one and only protégé of WWE hall of famer Bret "Hitman" Hart.   His name is Tyson Kidd. And right here is the only son of The British Bulldog.   His name is David Hart Smith.   Wait wait.   And then there's Natalya, the only daughter of the legendary Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.   And we are a part of something that none of you out here will ever be a part of.   We are a part of something that nobody back there will ever be a part of.   Because collectively, we are the Hart Dynasty."
- Natalya Neidhart


Commercial Break.   Playboy TV aired a commercial.   The show is PG-13 and they're airing Playboy Television commercials during it.   I can't even imagine who the audience is anymore for this show.     


3. Jack Swagger and The Hart Dynasty defeated Tommy Dreamer and Christian when Swagger pinned Christian.


I like the Hart Dynasty name.   It works and these three have star power written all over them.   Tyson Kidd is just great to watch in the ring.   He has a style that you don't see too often anymore and all his mannerisms in the ring seem to come straight out of the Hart Family handbook.   The slick demeanor only adds to it all.   DH Smith and Natalya have the looks and genetics to go along with the whole thing too.   If they continue this stable with a strong push, it could go very far and capture a lot of forgotten fans who would tune in to see Davey Boy's or The Anvil's kid.   If you allow them to put on good matches and good angles, you could keep those people watching.   The trick is to draw in new eyes and give them a great show during that initial viewing.   One good show could make a fan.   One show with midget cheerleaders mooning Mr. McMahon could make them hate it for life.   It's matches like this one that show why ECW is the best show on TV right now.   Sure, it has all the yak-yak stuff and the soap opera, but it has some real new talent that hasn't been overexposed already.   John Cena's all over the place, these guys are only on ECW.   Dreamer took the beating for most of the match and was still being pounded on as we crossed the 11:00 mark.   The announcers got quiet and you had to wonder when they were going to put this one to bed.   Surely there's a Battlestar Galactica episode that needs to air.   In a weird spot, Swag ran over to his corner and tagged in Smith.   DH looked at him like, "No, man."  Then, without being tagged, Tyson ran in and took control.   The crowd was so dead at this point that they didn't really notice and barely popped when Dreamer made the hot tag.   Cage came in and did his best to get them riled back up.   By the time he hit his missile dropkick, they were louder than they had been the whole match.   Things didn't go too well after that for the Cagy one though.   He was left in the ring and J-Swag was tagged in.   At this point, the ECW Champion was doubled over.  Christian looked up and – in full view of the camera – seemed to carry on a conversation with him.   Bad stuff.   American Squared tossed  Edge's little brother into the ringpost.   When he bounced back, Jackie picked him up and plunged him back down with his Swaggabomb .   Three seconds later, we're poppin'a Molson.


After the bell, Tommy ran back into the ring and opened up on Swagger.   This brought in the Harty Boys.   They beat Dreamer soundly and sent him to bed with their newly-patented "Hart Attack."  


Jack Swagger and his All Canadian Canadian friends stand tall as we fade to black.


All in all...Good show for TV watching fans.


Let's face it.   The majority of fans in the arena show up for Smackdown.   They want to see Carlito and Edge.   When they sit through ECW, they get bored.   It makes for a lethargic audience that isn't there to see what they're seeing.


But people watching at home are only tuning in to watch ECW.   So the show is appealing to them.   Frustrated fans can tune in to see fresh faces and new ideas taking shape before hitting the name brands.   The Hart Dynasty, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, and Tiffany – ok, not Tiffany – are all people fans tuning in are tuning in to see.


Speaking of Tiffany, I don't know what to say.   Taryn Terrell appeared on ClubWWI.com when she was in the Diva Search and she was very eager for a career in wrestling.   I just don't think that a promo driven character is the way to go for her.   She should be a valet/wrestler.   Let her do three sentences during a promo for Ricky Ortiz and move on.   Having her explain match stipulations as if she's reading microwave instructions does nothing to sell the PPV.  


I already went off on the logic behind matches like Bourne-Henry.   Goliath needs to win most times for it to make sense.


And no.   Two jobbers at once don't count.  


It wasn't the best show ever, but it was unique.   In an industry where Raw and Smackdown are nearly identical, at least you know there's something somewhat different on ECW.   It may not be much, but with the way things are, I'll take it.


That does it for me, guys.   Be well!   Thanks for sharing the Insanity!

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