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JG's 5/27/08 ECW Insanity: Jamaican My Eye Bleed

By James Guttman May 27, 2018 - 11:50 PM print


  Originally Published May 27, 2008


Click the following links to check out the past BBQs:
 

Memorial Day 2004 *** *** Memorial Day 2005

=== Memorial Day 2006 *** *** Memorial Day 2007 **

Memorial Day 2008 *** *** Memorial Day 2009

Memorial Day 2010 *** *** Memorial Day 2011

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May 27th, 2008...Fifth Annual WWE Memorial Day BBQ...

 

-

Mike Adamle: Good barbiecute, Master McMahon.

 

Vince McMahon: (grilling) Uh. Sure thing.

 

Adamle:  I usually have barbiecutie with my house on the 5th of July or something. Say. Can I have a hot burger?

 

Vince: Sure. They're all hot, actually.

 

Adamle:   I'm sure. My mistake. (looking on the grill) Can I have one of those ham dogs too?

 

Vince: (serving him) This can't be real.

 

Adamle: The Tazz in a stretchy match.

 

Vince: Not only does that not make any sense, it's also not even a sentence.

 

Adamle smiles, puts a napkin in his mouth, and walks away without warning. Triple H and Shawn Michaels come walking in as he exits.

 

Triple H:   So I says to him, I says, look. The talent wellness thing isn't all bad. After all, it shows what some guys are really made of, you know?

 

Shawn Michaels:   Sure. Sure.

 

Hunter: I mean look at Booker T. He used to be huge. Now he's all small. You know? I don't even think he's 250 pounds anymore. (Calling off) Yo. Hey Booker.

 

A group of wrestlers are talking in the corner. The one being yelled to by Triple H turns around.

 

Kofi Kingston:  Are you talking to me?

 

Hunter:  Yeah. How much you weigh now, Book?

 

Kofi:   Me?!

 

Hunter:   Yeah. Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry ...(Correcting Himself) King Booker. How much you weigh now King Booker? I haven't seen you since you moved to ECW.

 

Kofi: Dude. I'm Kofi Kingston.

 

Hunter:   Yeah. Hey. I'm not saying you're not, brother. I'm sure that you're mad fly, word-up, kofi, kingcrown, homeboy, or whatever. I'm just asking how much weight you've lost since you got suspended for the thing earlier this year.

 

Kofi:   No, I mean I'm not Booker T.

 

Michaels:   See. Now I always thought that he was Method Man. 
 

Vince:    Ha ha. Oh. That's our Hunter. You gotta love him.

 

Kofi: (annoyed) Whatever.

 

Vince: No. I'm not saying it in the whacky sitcom sense. I'm saying it in the literal sense. Now let me finish. (starting over) That's our Hunter. You gotta love him...or you're fired. Get the meaning, Coffee Kegstand?

 

Kofi: I'm sorry.

 

Hunter:   Tell me you like my hair. Tell me it's better than yours.

 

Kofi: I do. I do. It's all shiny and stuff.

 

Hunter: Now go do a spinneroonie in the pool.

 

Kingston quietly walks off towards the pool.

 

Vince:   (calling out) He means the wrestling move. Don't go pooping in my damn pool!

  

 

Michaels: Psst. Hey. Who's this chick on wheels with those creepy Edge-looking things?

 

Vicki Guerrero, in her wheelchair, comes in. Hawkins and Ryder are wheeling her. One is dressed like Edge. The other is not.

 

Vicki Guerrero: (screaming into a microphone) MR. MCMAHON!    MR. MCMAHON! LET! LET! LET ME SP...(long pause)....Let me speak! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!

 

Vince:   (confused)  I'm not stopping you. I'm listening.

 

Vicki:   LET ME SPEAK! MR. MCMAHON! PLEASE! MY FIAN...LET ME SPEAK! MY FIANCE EDGE....CAN I PLEASE SPEAK?!

 

Hunter:   I'm getting a headache.

 

Michaels: Dude. Her microphone is made out of a toilet paper tube.

 

Vince:   What is this about?

 

Vicki: I am Vicki...Guerrero...from Smack! Down!

 

Michaels:   What the hell is "Smackdown?"

 

Hunter: (looking down  at Vicki) What are ya, like crippled now or something?

 

Curt Hawkins: No, man. She's just really lazy.

 

Zack Ryder: Plus someone in production found this wheelchair that Brock Lesnar pushed Zach Gowen down the stairs in.

 

Michaels: (making the uh-oh face) Uh oh! He said Brock!  That's the magic word!

 

Hunter: In the pool!

 

Hunter and Shawn lift up Vicki Guerrero and guide Hawkins and Ryder to the pool with force.

 

Vince: (calling out)  Make sure that Elijah Burkeish fellow doesn't poop in the pool!

 

 

 

 

Trevor Murdoch: (running to the grill) Mr. McMahon. There's something wrong with Mr. Kennedy.

 

Vince:  I like you. You sing. Ah. OK, so what's wrong with him?

 

Trevor: (pointing)  He's all bloated and puffy. Look!

 

McMahon looks over.  Shocked, he stops short and shakes his head in frustration.

 

Vince: (looking upset) Yeah that's because that's not Ken Kennedy! That's Ted Kennedy!

 

Ted Kennedy:   Hello.

 

Vince: (bewildered) Hey, Shane! Get over here! What the hell is this?!

 

Shane McMahon comes running in.

 

Shane McMahon :    (singing to himself quietly) ...Here it comes! Here comes the money!  Money, money, money... (looking up) What up, Poppyseeds?

 

Vince: Right. Don't call me Poppyseeds. Will you explain to me why the hell Ted Kennedy is here.

 

Shane:   U h, you told me to sign him to a contract.

 

Vince:   U h, nooo I didn't!

 

Shane: Remember when I told you about having Santino do a thing with Jimmy Kimmel's cousin Sal? Remember you said, "Yeah. Let's get Ted Kennedy and the kid who played Urkel while we're at it." Remember that?   Well, Urkel said no, but here's Ted.

 

Ted Kennedy:   (raising his tied up hands) Hey, can you guys tell me why you hijacked my limo to bring me to a barbeque against my will?

 

Shane:    (nervously) OK, so Ted didn't exactly say yes either...but he didn't say no.

 

Vince: (shocked and angered) I was being sarcastic! I didn't mean to ...(pause) wait. (eyes bulging) We did that Cousin Sal thing?!

 

Shane: Yeah.

 

Vince:   What the freakin' hell?! Man. I  gotta start watching these damn shows! On top of all this -- where's Ken Kennedy? No one picked him up this morning? One of our brightest young stars? A kid who could one day have the torch passed to him? He has to be here.

 

Hunter: (grinning) I can send Nick Hogan to go pick him up.

 

Everyone looks over. Trips does a big exaggerated comedy shrug.

 

Vince: That's our Hunter!

 

Everyone laughs.

 

Vince:   (unbuckling his belt) OK.  Now, let's get this party started! Million bucks to the first one who can guess how many hotdogs I have in my pants! Bada-boom! Mah-more-eeeal Day, beeeeeee-otches!

 


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ECW Theme Plays.   The gist of it is that the singer is "still standing here."   Good for him.

 

Ladies and gentlemen!   Welcome to Velocity with Tommy Dreamer or, as we call it...ECW!   We have some major matches booked for the night.   First, it's the Big Red Machine Kane vs. Miz and Morrison.   Then, it's CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero.   Sound good?   Well tough cookies, pitstain.   That's the layout.   So deal with it.   At least Mike Adamle, seated next to the Tazz, is here with some interesting tidbits throughout the night.   Let's start with the first contestant this evening.   Big Show, get your Dungeon of Doom butt out here!

 

 

1. Big Show pinned Tommy Dreamer after a Chokeslam

 

Mike Adamle compares Tommy Dreamer to a football player who can get you the extra yard.   I like to think of him more like the football player who can get his ass kicked by all the other football players on TV.   He also likes to make friends with smaller football players so he can catch their residual beatings.   Tazz pushes Sunday's Singapore Cane match at One Night Stand by saying that each guy will get a cane.   For some reason, it just sounds awful.   I picture five guys standing there just swinging big hollow sticks at each other. For Dreamer, it can only be better than tonight.   He ate a chokeslam and fell to the three count.   I guess he caught suckiness from Colin Delaney.   Must have used the same toilet seat or something.

 

Recap of Big Show's ECW Title win last July 4th.    He beat some guy I don't remember with help from some other guy I don't remember while Tazz called the action with what's-his-face.

 

Commercial Break.   Optimum Online's slogan is "It's Optimum or it's not."   I kid you not.   That's their slogan.  Someone was paid to come up with that.   How is that a selling point?   Everything is either something or it's not.   You can apply that to anything.   "It's either orange soda or it's not."   See?

 

Back at the announce table, Mike Adamle welcomes me back to the ECW.   He's sitting with Tazz and Shelton Benjamin.   We rewatch Benji's win over Coffee Kegstand last week.   All hail King Booker, mon.

 

2. Kofi Kingston pinned Mike Knox after an elbow to the face.

 

Mike Knox looks like Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Gene Snitsky had a baby.   As for Kofi, he looks like a monkeyman...according to Shelton at ringside.   Don't blame me for that one.   The idea here is that with his first loss now on the books, Kingston has to rebound.   Shelly said he couldn't.     In the end, though, he did.   He managed to  bust Knox's eye open in the process too.   Also, on a side note, Adamle repeated, "Jamaican me crazy" about a million times during this match.   Good one, Mike.   I have my own line like that.   I'd say, "Jamaican too much money for this announcing gig."

 

After the bell, Shelton attacked and kicked the resin out of ol' Jerk Chicken.   Mike "Not My Box" Knox jumped in too.   Sadly for him, the winner ended up down and out as we rolled into a commercial.  

 

Recap of C.M. Punk's ECW Title win on September 4th of last year.   Until I saw this clip, I thought that was a dream.

 

Commercial Break.   Long John Silver is offering a monster fish platter.   For those who don't know, "monster" is a nautical term for "rotten."

 

 Recap of Chavo Guerrero's ECW Title win on January 22 of this year.    Vince McMahon celebrated by peeing on the ECW Arena.

 

3.   Chavo Guerrero pinned C.M. Punk with a handful of tights.

 

As the match starts, the camera shoots to the table and catches Mike Adamle reading his lines.   He quickly starts to ad-lib and tells his broadcast partner that he wasn't mistaken last week when said that Tazz had been in a Singapore Cane match.   He was.   Although. ..it was with his wife!   AH!   Snap!   Snap!   Sn...uh.    Wait.  I don't get it.   I guess he's saying that Tazz's penis is like a Singapore cane, maybe?   If that's the case...then I still don’t get it.   Oh well.  Creepy stuff.    Bam Neely played a role in this one as he came to Chavo's aid on a number of occasions.   I'm not really into Bam, to be honest.   He seems more generic than the usual brutish bodyguard (which is saying a lot.)   There isn't much to him besides his silly name.   I'll say this about the match, though – it was good.   It usually is when Guerrero and Punk face off.   While the fast push of Chavito seemed forced at best, it still made for some good matches.   At the end of the day, no one can question Chav's ability.   He also has that Guerrero style that gets the crowd popping at each turn.   For example, he hit some rolling suplexes and it made you take notice.  While he was on top thanks to them, C.G. found himself reversed at the last minute.   That became a theme for the next few moves as each guy would slip out of the other's offense.   In the end, it was C.M. who made the fatal miss.   After running in for a flying turnbuckle knee, Punker found himself rolled up and cheated out of a three count.   Uno.  Dos.  Tres.  Go chug a Pepsi and forget your troubles kid.

 

Recap of Tommy Dreamer's ECW Title win on January 22, 1943.

 

Commercial Break.    Now seems like a good time to plug...."World Wrestling Insanity Presents: Shoot First . . . Ask Questions Later"    Yup.   My second book is up for pre-order right now on Amazon.com.   You can order it now for less than $14 and be sure to get it as soon as it drops (as the kids say.)  

 

 

Last night on Raw, Vince McMahon promised to do something that has never happened on TV before.   He delivered.   I can't remember another show that ever paid its audience to watch.

 

Backstage, a confused woman is interviewing Colin Delaney.   His thoughts on Mr. McMoneybag's announcement?   It'll mean a lot for whoever wins the "millions."   (JG Note:   It's actually the "sum of one million."   I guess they'll try to sneak a plural at the end now and then to make it seem like more and hope that no one catches it.)   Delaney then comments on the draft.   He hopes that Armando Estrada leaves while he stays on Sci-Fi.  According to Delaney, ECW is the only brand for him.   Because, you know, he sucks.

 

Recap of Jon Morrison's ECW Title win at the "Night of Champions."   He holds the distinction of being the first ECW Champion to wear women's coats in public on a regular basis.

 

4. Kane defeated Miz and John Morrison via disqualification 

 

This was a weird main event.   I like Kane.   I like Miz and Morrison.   Yet, I hated the idea of this as the main event.   It seemed somewhat pointless considering that Kane-o has already had tag matches against M and M.   Now he goes solo and that's how they sell the whole hour?   Weird.   I'm also not a huge handicap match fan.   (JG Note:   Although I am a huge handi- snacks fan.   Something about those little red sticks and fake cheese that makes the crackers taste better.)   The ECW Champion seemed to have the tag champs in his grasp for a double chokeslam, but it didn't get him the win.   Instead, it got him a beating.   The tag champions opened up and the ref...called for the bell.   Yeah.  Outta nowhere - ding, ding, ding.  It was one of the laziest booked finishes I've seen in a while.   They might as well have just had the ref turn to the camera and say, "We're kinda outta time, kids.  Thanks for watching."

 

After the weird finish, CM Punk ran out and got into the fight.   He was followed by Chavo...who was followed by Big Show.   From there, we were treated to a slow-motion battle until Kane and Show ended up in the ring with each other.   Luckily for Biggie, May 19th is over so the Big Red Machine didn't try to eat his eye this time around.   Nothing happens as we fade to black.

 

All in all...It was ECW.   You know what I mean.

 

ECW is a no-frills show.   However, it's that setup that makes you realize a ton about today's wrestling.

 

For example, there's few, if any, "blah-blah talking" promo segments.   The funny part?   I find myself wanting one.   Nothing too long, but something.   Why is this funny?   Because during Raw, I want to smother myself with a plastic bag during their endless talking skits.   It shows that less is more and the Raw talkies aren't the problem, it's the sheer amount of them that are.  

 

Also, I like the one hour thing, but I've said that before.   As a kid, I used to turn off WWF Superstars and count the days until next week.   Why?   Not because the shows were good.   Hell, it was 42 minutes of Big Bossman squashes.   That wasn't fun. You wanted more because one hour isn't that long.   It leaves you eager for more action.  I used to feel the same way about TNA Impact.   These two hour blocks for all the major shows are just painful at times and shine a light on how fluffy they have to make the overall product in order to pad time.   When you sit down for the last remaining one-hour brand specific show, you finish up wanting more.   That's a good thing.   I wish more wrestling shows left me wanting more for next week rather than praying for the end of this week's episode to come.

 

Nothing about this week's show mattered much.   There's a Singapore Cane thing on Sunday at One Night Stand and that's the big seller right now.   I'm sure it'll be okay, but on paper it seems pretty lame.   The Singapore Cane is cool for Sandman (or Jerry Lawler if he's swinging for the nuts), but other than that, it's not much to write home about.

 

We're all on autopilot until the Draft anyway.    Raw is giving away money.   ECW is selling one match and a small mini-feud.   Smackdown has Vicki screeching.   Come Draft time, things will probably get turned upside down and we'll have a fresh set of stuff to work with.  

 

That does it for me.   Remember, new shoot interview on ClubWWI.com  tomorrow and it's going to be a good one.     Thanks again to you all for the great messages I've gotten on the birth of my daughter too.  It means a lot to me and my wife.   Be Well!   Thanks for sharing the insanity.



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