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JG's 5/8/06 Raw Insanity: Guess What Mick Foley's Sock Did

By James Guttman May 8, 2018 - 8:42 AM print


Originally Published May 8, 2010 


 

Titan Tower...This morning...

Vince McMahon: Shane-o Insane-o, what a surprise. Come on in. Would you care for a pixie stick?

Shane McMahon: No thanks, dad. I just came to...wait, you eat pixie sticks?

Vince: No.  I snort pixie sticks. You think I turned this crazy naturally? You think God did it? Ha! I already proved God didn't exist on pay-per-view. Remember that? Ahhh. Good times. Good times. Hang on. It's time to clean my plate. Whoo hoo!

Vince leans in to his desk and inhales a line of pixie stick powder he had sculpted earlier.

SNORT!

World Wrestling Insanity

Vince: OK...back to reality.  Now, who the hell are you?

Shane: I'm Shane. I'm your son.

Vince: (squinting) Little more help.

Shane: The biological son. The product of your semen. You know - not Hunter.

Vince: (grinning) Ahh...Hunter. I like him. He's good people. Funny as hell too. Last week, he replaced my pixie stick powder with Ajax. I was blind for four hours. Ha ha ha! What a maneuver! I still have to get him back for that. But I digress. So, what's up?

Shane: Well, I have bad news and worse news.

Vince: Lay it on me, Semen-Boy.

Shane: First, we accidentally leaked the news on the DeGeneration X reunion early. It was online and stuff.

Vince:  (enraged) Oh come on! Are you kidding me?! Damnit! I need another pixie stick.

SNORT!

Shane: You might want two. The worse news is that after the news broke, people went nuts. Now you have a number of people here to see you. They're all waiting in the lobby.

Vince: That doesn't sound so bad. Send them in.

Shane: You asked for it. (pressing intercom) Bertha, send in the folks with ties.

A loud beeping noise rings out. Steven Richards and Right To Censor storm the room.

Steven Richards: (yelling) Mister McMahon! MISTER MCMAHON! We have heard of the DX return! As the leader of Right To Censor, I demand that you reinstate our group. We shall bring morality to WWE again!

Vince: No, Steven. I'm not hiring you back.

Richards: (sadly) Well, umm...actually, I still work for you. I'm on Smackdown.

Vince: What?! Are you friggin' kidding me?

SNORT!

Richards: I'm sorry, sir. I didn't want it to come to this.

Richards opens his shortsleeved buttoned-up shirt and reveals a "bomb" strapped to his body.

Richards: Bring back RTC or else I'm going to blow this whole place up! I'll show you! You'll see...you'll see... you'll see!

Vince:  That's cool the way you make your voice echo like that.  As for your threat, well...yeah, uh, that's not a bomb.  That's a clock radio with hotdogs taped to it. You wrote "bomb" on a post it and stuck it on. You didn't even spell "bomb" right.

Richards looks frazzled for a moment before screaming.

Richards: JUST BRING BACK RIGHT TO CENSOR ALREADY!

Vince: Tell you what. I'll hire back Val Venis. Not you.

Val Venis: (sadly) I still work for you too.

Vince: You do? What the f...? I gotta go over these contracts more. Next thing, you'll be telling me that we resigned Mark Henry or something.

SNORT!

World Wrestling Insanity

Matt Hardy: Explode your bomb if you must, Mr. Richards. But be warned...Matt Hardy will not die!

Vince: Oh grand. Will you look at that. Good ol' Matt Hardy. What can I do for you, Matt?

Matt: Mr. McMahon, I've come to ask that you reform Team Extreme. Myself, Jeff, and Lita want nothing more than to bring fans the magic of Imag-eye-nation...and, of course, get some TV time. Please, sir, make this a reality!

Vince: You're here by yourself, though. Where's Jeff?

Matt: Jeff? He's, uh...running late.

Vince: (rolling his eyes) Yeah, I figured. Where's Lita?

Matt: She, um, didn't answer her cell.

Vince: So what am I supposed to do here, Matt?

Matt: You, should, uh, maybe, I don't know. Uh...MATT HARDY WILL NOT DIE!  What do you think of that?

Vince:  You're not supposed to die, stupid. That isn't something to be proud of. It's just supposed to be something you do. How is that your slogan? News flash, kiddo - Everyone on the roster right now hasn't died. That's like making your catchphrase, "Matt Hardy woke up this morning." Who cares? Now, I'll ask you again, what do you want from me, Matt?

Matt: Uhhhh...Can I have a pixie stick?

Vince: Go f**k yourself. Next!

World Wrestling Insanity

We are the Nation - of Domination!

PG13: (rapping) We are the Nation, unlike no other. Don't diss the man or we'll bum rush your mother!

Vince: Sorry, fellas. No. Whatever's on your mind ...no.

Suddenly the door swings open.  Joanie Lauer and Sean Waltman come tearing into the room.  Joanie is stumbling and screaming while Waltman follows behind.

Joanie Lauer: CHUT UP! JUTH CHUT UP!

Sean Waltman: Joanie, come on, baby. I love you, baby.

Joanie: (singing)  Y ou think you can tell us what to wear?  You think you can tell us what to do?  Bow to the Master?  Break it down!  The king of Pop - Rocks! You'll be my hobby horse job! You give it to...uh, DEGENERATION X! Hee hee! Weee!  Yay!

SNORT!

Vince: Let me guess, you two heard about the DX reunion.

Joanie: Uh oh! Ha ha aha! Yes! Bring usth back, Vincent Price! We'll be thooooooo awethome! Look! I even wore my DX thirt!

Vince: Joanie, you're not wearing a shirt.

Joanie: (looking down) Uh oh! Ha ha ha!  Ooooooo!

Waltman: Joanie, honey, calm down. I love you. Please sit. Look, Vince. All we want is a chance to be a part of something we helped to build. We're willing to audition again. We even sent you a video tape we did a few years ago. Did you get it?

Vince: That "Night in China" thing? Is that what that was? An audtion tape?! I threw up for three days!

SNORT!

Waltman: (sadly) Yeah. Sorry. That's happened a lot. We had to put a warning on the box.

Joanie: (screaming) TELL HIM HOW YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FAYTH AT THE AIRPORT, SEAN! TELL HIM HOW YOU THREW DOO-DOO AT ME ON THHHANKTHGIVING! TELL HIM, SEAN!

Waltman: Baby, I never threw no doo-doo at you. Please. Calm down. I love you, baby.

Joanie: TELL HIM HOW YOU KICKED ME IN THE ANKLE, SEAN! TELL HIM HOW YOU THREATENED TO KILL MY GOLDFISH! TELL HIM HOW YOU...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Vince: (surprised) Did she fall asleep?

Waltman: Yeah. That happens a lot. Once she konks out, she's usually out of it for hours.

Vince: Hmmmm. That almost gives me a funny idea. Wait. Wait. I almost have it. Hang on...

SNORT!  SNORT!  SNORT!

Vince: Ah, there it is. So, quick question.  You want a WWE Classic Legends Action Figure in your likeness, Sean...I mean,  X-Pac?

Waltman: Do I? Yeah!

Vince: Stevie, Matt, you fellas wanna be on TV? Maybe you can job to Chris Masters or something.

Matt and Steve: (elated) YES!

Vince: Then grab a body part, guys. Help me carry this sleeping hooch to Hunter's bus. This'll show him that I'm the true prank king! Ajax?  HA! What an amateur.

SNORT!

World Wrestling Insanity


Good morning, sleepy head. Did you rest up for the rest of Raw's surprises this week? I mean you had Joey Styles letting the world know how he felt about the errors of World Wrestling Entertainment right on their own show! Snap! Then we had Triple H thumbing his Gamy Nose at the CEO of Titan Entertainment, Vincent (Patrick) Kennedy McMahon. Double snap! What will tonight's broadcast reveal? Let's find out. It's Monday Night, people. Look alive! Set your clock radios and light your frankfurters. It's 9 o'clock. It's time for Raw!

Welcome to Raw!  Guess what?  Jim Ross is home! That's right. Mrs. Rossy's Baby Boy has found his way back to the Raw announce table. Now that Joey Styles has finally gone berserk, J.R. can reclaim his throne beside King Horny of Memphis. To honor this homecoming, we have a packed show. For starters, we'll get Kane meeting The Big Show! Then, in a Rassle Friggin' Mania Rematch, Adam "Edge" Copeland faces off with Mick "Scooter" Foley in a Hardcore Match! Who will win? No one knows. Feed the Hungry Hip-Hippos!

Gerald? Yeah, it's Hunter. Listen. I'm shipping you back these business cards. What? Because they're f**ked up, that's why. What? No, Gerald. No. I can't just make do! Gerald, seriously, what the hell am I gonna do with a thousand business cards that say "Triple H ' Kinko Kings"?' What? No, I'm not gonna get a job at Kinkos! Just fix it, Gerald!

Bow down to the Game, beech. Triple H is in full effect tonight and he demands some respect. The Kinko King isn't here to guest referee no match or fight with Vince McMahon. No way. No how. He's here to challenge John Cena. Yes way. Yes how. Now people might say that the Gameboy has already used up his chances at WWE Gold, but those people suck. They don't realize that Hunter Hearst Helmsley is "the exception to every rule." (JG Note: Funny enough, he neglects to say whyhe's the exception to every one of his father-in-law's rules.) Screw that.  When it comes to challengers, Trips reigns supreme!  He's beaten them all! He's Hunter. He rules the fools. Who's the head fool in charge? I'll give you a hint ' BOO!

Mr. Cena, my name is Jessica Good from the Make-a-Wish Foundation. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind granting a wish for a sick little boy.

Sure thing, Goody. It bees like that sometimes. What does the little Chain Gang Banger want me to do? Autograph? Handshake?

He wants you to stab yourself in the face with a Phillip's head screwdriver over and over.

 

After a brief delay that may have been a musical miscue but still made it look like the WWE Champ was slightly scared of Hunter, John Cena emerged from the back. The Champ is here and he's got something to say to you, Mr. Ryzin'. As you might expect, he's got nothing aggressive to say. Instead, J.C. the kind hearted street thug goes into an explanation. He takes the time out to present an analogy to Sideburns McGameface. You see, the NY Yankees have tons of World Championships, just like you Oh Great Helmsley. However, they don't get an automatic ticket into the World Series. Same thing with you, buddy. You have to earn your way to the title. Dr. Thuggy says, "We all know what you've done man. I know what you've done and they know what you've done and we all respect you for that."  Awwww.  However, Cena explains that in recent WWE Title matches, you've tapped out and been pinned, Gamy. Now J.C. knows the story. He realizes that if he pushes your title aspirations to the backburner, you're just going to keep coming back each week to bitch about it. So, let's just get it out of the way. Tell you what. It's you and John...right now! Right here! Right on! Trips agrees and all appears set to go.  It's time for a WWE Title match'until the Swagger gets his cue.

SNORT!

Ah! I finally figured out what Vince McMahon's walk has turned into. He looks like a kid with diaper rash. Originally it was just a strut. Now it's morphed into this flailing, flapping sort of waddle to the ring. Yeah . Diaper Rash. That's it! Obviously happy to be back in the broadcast booth, Jim Ross says that the chairman is "making his very large presence felt." So anyway, PixieStick McDiaperRash flails his way to the ring because he needs to set things straight.  Let's understand this, shall we Triple H? You want a title match? You want to take out the Thug Doc? Well, then why would you defy the boss like you did last week? The fans chant "asshole" and Vince tries to do a witty line about how they shouldn't talk about WWE Superstars like that. Like all the other attempts he's ever made to wittily reply to asshole chants, this one fails. Luckily the King of Cartoons jumps in and speaks his mind. He tells Steph's dad that he must be sad about Kenny not winning last week. After all, Ken sits around with his buddies "pumpin' them full of the spirit." (JG Note: Pumpin' them full of the spirit?" I don't get the analogy. It seems like an allusion to "jerking," but then what does getting filled with "spirit" represent? You don't fill up with anything when that happens. Weird. Maybe he's implying that Kenny gives his Spirit Squad partners enemas. Now that would work. Ewww. Gross, Kenny. Gross) Hunter then laughs at the thought of giving the WWE Title to Kenema. After all, that would be like using a cheerleader to replace'"a poser."

Snap. Cena snaps back though. In fact, he replies so quickly that it just wreaked of scripted. He tells his Huntly foe that he's full of poses. Hell. After pinning you, K.o.K.face, Cena did a number of poses for the fans. Word life! There's some more banter before the Great MacPixie puts a stop to it with a simple decision. He screams at both men to shut up and refer to him as "Mr. McMahon." Now, listen up. You'll get your title match, son'.eventually. As for now, though, the answer is no. Go home, Hunter. You have the night off. That's it. Final word. McMahon sends Trips home to spit water at his daughter and then turns his attention to the World's Least Popular Hero (JG Note: Or Most Popular Villain, depending on if you're a pessimist or optimist.)

Vince's decision for John Cena? He gets a handicap match. Oh yeah. His partner? Shawn Michaels! Yeah! Who are the Hip-Hop Rockers set to face? The entire Spirit Squad! That's right! Kenny, Lenny, Shmeckle, Phillip, and Preston against the two of you. Strap on your jet pack, champ. Now get out of this ring! Cena tries to reply to the boss, but McMahon has his microphone cut off. This was a really boring opening to the show. On paper, it read a lot better than it actually played out on TV.

With the end of that fun, Mr. McMahon announces the first match. It's a Fatal Four Way  for the Intercontinental Title! Not only that, but it's happening'right now!

First man out for the match is Rob Van Dam. He gets into a staredown with John Cena before making his way to the ring.  The announcers wonder if RVD might use his future title shot against the booable WWE Champ. Once in the ring, Rob takes the microphone and the world stops to listen. With the reformation of ECW, we all wonder if "Mr. Money in the Bank" Rob Van Dam will step up and declare his allegiance to "Mr. Money's in the Mail" Paul Heyman. Let's find out. Gather round. Grab a mat and some milk. Let's listen.

"Before I defend my Intercontinental Championship, I've got something to say that really needs to be heard. The way everything went down with Joey Styles was a bunch of crap. For the record, I agree with everything he had to say about 'sports entertainment.' W e share the same views and I respect that he had the balls to share them. As you know, I get a lot of energy out of hearing you say my initials, but tonight for the spirit that Joey represented, I want to hear three other letters and they are ECW!"
-
Rob Van Dam, 9:20pm

"The spirit that Joey represented?" What? Is he dead? The fans weren't too sure how to react to this speech and I can't say I blame him. Joey's "shoot" was partially implied to be heel. Now Rob's backing him up. For some, it might be tough to follow. Try to catch up during the commercial.

World Wrestling Insanity

Commercial Break. The new ad campaign for Axe Body Gel focuses on how it helps you wash away the dirty girls you hook up with. So, if you're into women of the skanky persuasion, there's finally a soap for you! Male hos of the world rejoice!

We're back from the break and the ring is filling up. Rob Van Dam is joined by Charlie Van Haas and Chris Van Luger. All we need now is one more Van Dam participant!

If you smell-la-la-la-la-la....what the Shelt is cooking'.

1) Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam defeated Chris Masters, Shelton Benjamin, and Charlie Haas in a Fatal Four Way when he pinned Masters.

This match didn't seem to go to well. There were a lot of boring chants throughout and, for the most part, it seemed to go too long. Personally, I don't think TV matches need to be all that long unless there's a real story to tell. Pay-per-views ' sure. Go ten or fifteen minutes. On TV, unless it's a dream match, feud match or title match, you can keep it somewhat short. Also, this match followed a really empty opening skit. In the end, the fans were somewhat into it, but it was obvious that they were pretty burnt already. The finale was done well, though. While Masters mixed it up with Haas, RVD came leaping off the top rope for a sunset flip. Three seconds later and we can call Rob "Mr. I Pinned Chris Masters With a Top Rope Sunset Flip."

Still to come: Shawn Michaels and John Cena face the entire Spirit Squad! Yo! You can't see God! Word Life, Leather Chaps, and Commercial Breaks!

Retro-Commercial Break. You know what I noticed about that commercial? Jim Brunzell and Brian Blair are seen giving The Iron Sheik a double elbow. Wow. Not I get it. That's where it all began, people. Forget Pontiac Silverdome. I think this whole issue is about the LJN Commercial.

Luke Perry and Buzzy Gibbons of ZZ Top are in the crowd ' separately. They weren't together or on date or anything. What? I'm not covering for them. They're just friends! Honest!

Behind The Scenes of See No Evil This time around, we're implying that Kane is somewhat crazy. Apparently, Jacob Goodnight has a lot in common with the Big Red Machine. I had a feeling they were going to go in this direction with the angle. Hopefully it'll be cool. I'm looking forward to seeing this movie, but I have a feeling that WWE will do everything in their power to make sure that changes.

Backstage Todd Grisham is standing by with the stars of "See No Evil." They are Samantha Noble, Michael Pagan, and Christian Vidal. He asks them about Kane's attitude on the set. They say that he's pretty nuts and Samantha even explains that she only saw the Monster smile once during filming, but it was when he was torturing somebody. Sammy, the great actress that she is, actually smiles and chuckles while saying this (JG Note: Which explains why she's starring in movies like See No Evil.) Then Michael is asked about the release date of the movie and he proceeds to repeat it over and over. It's so forced and overdone that it's borderline ridiculous. He's like "Oh, May 19th? May 19th? May 19th is a great day to release the movie. May 19th!" Duh. Also, he's oblivious to the Big Red Machine's rage over hearing the date because apparently he, like most of the world, doesn't watch Raw. First Trish's boyfriend doesn't watch. Now Michael Pagan. Upon hearing the fateful day mentioned, Kane-o appears from the shadows and chokes Pagan down.  That's it. What a bad segment. The actors in the movie are worse actors than anyone else on Raw. That's sad. Good job, WWE. Now I want to see the movie less than I did at the start of the segment. Great!  That sure didn't take you long.

Still to come: Ol' One Ear vs. Ol' One Eye ' Hardcore Style. Then the Poser and the Preacher meet Johnny, Kenny, Bobby, Pork Chop, and Fanny.

Commercial Break. Starburst is good and all, but I'm not about to dissolve off my arms to get one. Maybe one arm, I guess. It depends on how hungry I am, I suppose. Hmmmm. How hungry must a man be to dissolve his own arms for Starburst Candy? I must go ponder this intriguing thought. Excuse me.

Carlito Cool's Jobs Gone Wrong - Spring 1996

I spit in the face of people who don't want to be valet parked.

We know. You're fired.

 

2) Matt Striker defeated Carlito Cool via disqualification when Eugene interfered.

You know what? I have an interesting thought on Matt Striker. Let's say that he genuinely didn't realize that his personal days and sick days weren't interchangeable. OK? Let's say that's true. If it is, maybe it's best that he isn't a teacher. I mean, I'd like to think that the guy teaching our youth is smart enough to be capable of knowing how to take days off from his job. Right?  If he's not, then maybe he's not the brightest educator we can find.  All that's died down by now though. The Striker Controversy is mostly over now and he's simply on Raw to play the resurgence of the wildly successful Dean Douglas gimmick. As for the match, I'm really not thrilled with Carlito's direction. He's up. He's down. He's good. He's bad. It's weird, but the more Carl gets pushes, the more his gimmick gets diluted. That's not cool. This one ended with Eugene Dinsmore rushing the ring to pound on Striker. The ref called for the bell and Carly got himself a little ol' DQ loss. Angered, he attacked Eugene after the decision. Content with the damage done, Colon left both bodies broken in the ring as he ran off to pick his apples and his hair.

Still to come: May 19th vs. December 3rd, 1998. Then the Champ and the Heartbreaker face the Fruitcake Patrol in a handicap match. Also Dude Love and Mick Foley lock it up hardcore style. Don't ya dare touch that dial or else Jim Ross is going to have to choke your ass out.

Commercial Break. I suck at basketball. I must need to drink more Gatorade.

We're back and the R-Rated Superstar is on his way to the ring. Edge enters the squared circle and takes the stick. He tells the "California Airheads" that they have stupid expressions just like Mick Foley. They believe in fairytales and bullshit. They need to learn reality. You want reality? Well the reality is that Adam Copeland defeated Mick Foley at WrestleMania in the "greatest hardcore match in wrestling history." (Abdullah the Butcher Note: I'm gonna tear that f**ker's head up with a fork.) Well tonight is the big rematch. Just like when your wife calls your cell at the tale end of a sleazy massage parlor session, there won't be a happy ending. Now Mickey, get your Cactus Butt out here right now. Mr. Bang Bang is ready to beat you up!

Mick Foley arrives and he's got a barbed wire baseball bat with him. He starts off by agreeing with Edge's lie about having the "greatest hardcore match in wrestling history." Now, Adam, we can step into that ring and crown the greatest hardcore champion in history! However, we can't do that without one important component. You told Foley that he can name any match he wants? Well, how's about a Triple Threat Hardcore match? How's about Mick Foley'versus Edge'versus Tommy Dreamer! It's awwwwn!

3) Mick Foley somehow won Triple Threat Match against Edge and Tommy Dreamer when Edge pinned Dreamer.

I think the whole "greatest hardcore match in wrestling history" thing may have been Foley Foreshadowing. It's such an obviously untrue statement that wreaks of disrespect. Foreshadowing for what, you ask? Well, for Mick Foley's heel turn. That's what.

Right after that match began, Dreamer turned his back to Mick and paid the price. Mankind slammed a barbed wire bat into his neck and then handed it of to Edge. The two smiled at each other and then worked together to dismantle the Innovator of Violence. Tommy juiced like Jack Lalanne and rolled around in agony. The fans sat in stunned silence while The Canadian Cactuses recreated Tommy Dreamer's famous nut-injury at the hands of Jerry Lawler. They slammed the barbed wire into his Tommyknockers and caused him to scream out. After attacking Dreamer's privates, Mick reached into his own pants and yanked out Mr. Socko. Now donning the letters ECW, Socko was slipped upon M.F.'s hand and shoved into the throat of the Dreameister. Copeland then sprang in with a Spear and landed on top for the pin. Despite the fact that Cope scored the 1,2,3, Foley was declared the winner. Why? I don't know. I can't believe that Mr. Socko just turned heel. Ha ha. I get it. Heel ' Foot. Socko. Ha ha ha. Sorry. Just trying to find some humor in this sad, sad turn of events. Why, Socko? Damnit. Why?

Up next...Mickie James versus Maria.

Commercial Break. It's hard to be as cool as Dave Mirra. Try really hard, though. Otherwise Carlito is going to spit on you.

The audience is still stunned silent from the vicious turn by Mick Foley and his footwear. It was a set up the whole time! J.R. says it was obvious that Mick and Adam were showcasing a "collusionary effort there" to destroy ECW.  Kudos to Jim Ross for using a word that my spell check doesn't know.

4) Women's Champion Mickie James pinned Maria after a DDT

Jerry Lawler reads an ad for the match's sponsor - Burger King. Now, maybe I'm old school or whatever, but Jerry used to throw a hissy fit whenever anyone mentioned Burger King. Hell, the late Tiny Tim saw his ukulele smashed to bits for his famous Lawler-directed quote of "You're not the Burger King'you're the Dairy Queen." People used to wear the BK crowns to the arena to torment him, now The King's reading their ad breaks. I don't get it. Then again, whenever something like that seems illogical to me, I remember that Kane's supposed to be burned. As for the match ' blah. It wasn't about that, though. This wasn't about the match. It was about the aftermath. The match itself ended with a DDT. 1,2,3. Trish Stratus was at ringside. Hooray. Move on.

Afterwards is when the real stuff went down. An argument broke out between James and the injured Stratus. The two exchanged punches with MJ getting the upperhand. Mick ended up ripping part of Stratus' shirt and choking her with it. Before the Women's Champ could kill Trisha, a mystery woman came running from nowhere and stopped her. Upon seeing the Mysterious Woman (JG Note: Beth Phoenix, one of the two valets for OVW's Aaron Stevens), Mickie went nuts. She screamed out, "You're ruining everything" and "Why are you here?" The refs restrained Beth while Champion Nuttypants screeched from the ramp. Interesting stuff. Glad to see a new twist added in. Infusing more names into this angle is a good way to use a well developed storyline and get more women over. Good job on WWE's part.

Still to come: Torrie, Terri, Katie, and Lita's ex-boyfriend faces off with The Showster. Then from there, it's DeGeneration Shawn and Run DMCena against Mikey, Nick, Pasqual, Toto, and Benny Meatballz. Stay tuned!

Commercial Break. Just imagine what a Bowflex could do for you! Hmmm. It could be used to hang your jacket on, I guess. That's useful, right?

His name is Armando Alejandro Estr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ada! He's standing center ring with two very special people. They appear to be jobbers, but apparently Mando thinks they're worthy of interview time. He asks them if they have families. He asks if they have wives. Then he asks ' get this ' if they have "health insurance." (JG Note: That was funny on so many levels. Good one, Steph.) Apparently Big Lalo is worried about Bobby Jobby and his partner, Jobbenator Supreme. Why? Because they are facing the Samoan Bulldozer'.Ooooooooooooooooooooo MAGA!

World Wrestling Insanity

5) Umaga defeated Bobby Jobby and Jobbenator Supreme in a handicap match via pinfall over Jobbenator.

I like Umaga. I like saying his name. I like that he's a bad ass. I like that he crushed Ric Flair. I like the whole thing. We need more ass-kickers and less promo-driven cartoons. That's what he did in this outing. He viciously pounded Jobby on the outside of the ring. At one point, he ran up and slammed his knee into Bob's head as it leaned against the barricade, moving the whole ringside divider in the process. It looked really cool. Then, he returned to the ring, gave J.S. the ol' Spiked Thumb and scored himself a win. Ooooooooooooo Maga! I love saying that! DDP should use that as a chant during one of his yoga things. "Ahhhh oooooom'.Ooooooo Maga! Namaste."

Big Show's walking to the ring. Should take him a while. You have time to watch a commercial.

Commercial Break. If a woman tries to use Just For Men Hair Dye, will she die?

6) Big Show defeated Kane via disqualification.

You probably expected a brawl. Hell, you were probably looking forward to a brawl here. Well, tough luck, upchuck. This one wasn't anything like that. It was catch-as catch-can, as they say. In fact, the ever short Jim Ross put it best with:

"Cut off my legs and call me shorty. I didn't expect to see a scientific match here tonight."
-
Jim Ross Shorty, 10:33pm

These two wrestled a scientific match. No joke. They did go-behinds, hammerlocks, and drop toe holds. Yup. No brawling here. Essentially, this was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. What was the point? It didn't fit into the tone of the feud. If anything, it seemed so forced and unnatural that the entire contest seemed horribly fake. The crowd chanted boring and everyone just sat back and watched in a ho-hum sort of way. It's sad when you consider that people were probably looking forward to this match and now were bored by it. I think WWE was anticipating a more positive response, but they didn't get it. In fact, Shorty kept saying that he didn't expect this sort of match, but was definitely enjoying it. So noted. I too did not expect such a match, unfortunately, I did not enjoy it as much as my friend with cut off legs. It all set up the ending though. That was sort of the point. What was the ending? Well, the Monster climbed the turnbuckle when he was suddenly plagued by a Titantron video of his leather Kane mask. Over the PA System, his May 19th Voices in Your Head Mega Mix played out. This sent Dr. Yankum into loo-loo land. He retrieved a chair and proceeded to pound his former partner into Big Red Oblivion. Oh Kane! Why do you hurt all the people how love you?! Waaaaaaaaaaa!

Backstage, the Spirit Squad is planning their attack on John Cena and Shawn Michaels. Squad Member Kenny calls dibs on pinning Shawn Michaels. They all agree. Then Squad Member Tyrone calls dibs on John Cena. They all agree on that too. The Green and White Attack heads to the ring while we watch some adverts! Give me an A! A! Give me a D-VERTS! D-Verts! What's it spell? Commercials! YAY!

Commercial Break. The 4400 returns to the USA Network. From the previews, it looks like Steve Blackman's reign of terror continues.

In the crowd: Lemmy from MotorHead. He's not dating Luke Perry or the ZZ Top guy either. Wait'I know he's definitely not with the ZZ Top guy, but I'm not sure about Luke. I thought I saw them wink at each other, but I'm not positive.  Don't quote me on that.

Kenny! Johnny! Casper! Nappy! Izhar!

7) The Spirit Squad defeated Shawn Michaels and John Cena when Kenny pinned Shawny

The Spirit Squad delivers one of their classic cornball pre-match cheers. Bah. I get that people like them, but I'm really starting to get sick of the whole thing. The "too dumb to realize how dorky you are" gimmick works well for a little while. It did well for Kurt Angle for a while, but it gets old quick. The S.S. are starting to get old quick. That being said, I'm sure they can figure out a way to get them over briefly a few more times. I'm just saying that the shelflife on this fivesome is appearing to be shorter than most of us originally thought ' at least in my opinion. As for the match, it was another same-old, same-old Raw ending featuring the Spirit Squad playing the foils while HBK and HHH teased their alliance. The final moments saw Michaels open up on all five members of the Get Along Gang until he was attacked from behind by Kenny. With the tag title in hand, Doane rammed the belt across Shawn's Heartbreak Head and scored the upset. After the pinfall, Kendell plastered the ref across the face with a hard right hand.

With the official unconscious, Ken leaned over and removed his belt. While I assume he's taking the strap to use as a weapon, a part of me that's familiar with WWE's storylines fears that Doane might be preparing to rape the referee. Luckily, I was right on the weapon assumption as the Squad proceeds to whip HBK like a "government mule" until Triple H steps out from the curtain.

The crowd pops and Cena comes back to life. He knocks all the S.S. from the ring and stands tall. Not for long, though. Mr. H hits the ring and lands a Pedigree on the WWE Champion. With Doctor Thuggypants laid out like a Persian rug, Gameface McMuttonchops crosses his arms, thrusts his hips, and gives him the "Suck It Salute." If you're not down with that, I got three words for ya. Fade to black.

All in all...This was a pretty boring. Raw.

Stuff happened. Don't get me wrong. Well, to be honest, one thing happened. Mick Foley turned heel and joined forces with Edge. As the obvious heel team set to terrorize ECW, Foley and Copeland joined up tonight to beat up Tommy Dreamer. It was OK. Nothing special, yet. Knowing Mick's desire to outdo himself, I'm sure he's got some crazy-ass stuff saved up for this conflict, so it should be better than it was tonight. What we got tonight was a lifeless angle that didn't seem to click. Give it time, though. I think it'll get better.

I don't think John Cena will get better, though. I hate the John Cena gimmick. If WWE actually looks at this guy's promos and can't figure out why he's not over, then I give up. I hope it's just a big act. I hope WWE is in on the joke and they just don't like John, so they're giving him crappy lines to say. I'd hate to think that they can't see his character's flaws as plain as day. He's a street tough that kisses his opponent's ass and then gets beat up. I can't imagine why that's not the most popular gimmick on the show. Can you?

I like the turn in the Mickie-Trish conflict. The addition of Beth Phoenix to the fold will only boost the long-term success of the angle. No matter how you feel about the women's division, you have to admit that this feud has really taken off. It could be the best female program WWE has booked in years. MJ's screams really added to the overall effect.

It was good to have the solid Raw announce team together again. Jim Ross' return couldn't have happened on a more mundane night. Given the comeback for Good Ol' J.R., I'd like to have seen more big moments that required a reaction from the broadcast team. There weren't too many "Oh my Lord, King" moments. Instead, the announcers served as background noise to a slow moving and uneventful evening. It was kind of a shame. That being said, at least they have the right people calling the action again. There will come a time to replace Jim and Jerry, but they haven't found anyone to do that yet. Until they do, WWE should just be thankful that they have the two guys they have.  They could do a lot worse.  On a bad night, Lawler and Ross are still better than most other announcers on a good night.

The Umaga squash was cool. The Kane thing was lame. The Carlito thing was forgettable. The entire night wasn't about moments, though. It wasn't about segments. It was about an overall malaise of the evening. Nothing clicked. Nothing shocked. It all just sort of happened and we watched. By the end, I was tired. Nothing more. Nothing less.

That's it for this week. I'll be back next Monday with some more Raw Insanity. Be sure to check back for details on this week's Radio Free Insanity guest as well. Remember, last Friday's JG's Radio Free Insanity with Brother Devon is still available by clicking here.

Also, we're mere days away from the release of World Wrestling Insanity: The Book. I'm really proud of the final product and I know you'll all really like it. Be sure to pick it up and own the Insanity. Game on.

Thanks for reading! Be Well

 



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