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JG's 6/14/04 Raw Insanity: Hunter is Eugene's Best Friend

By James Guttman Jun 14, 2018 - 8:37 AM print

Originally Published June 14, 2004



Dennis Miller: Hey there, kids. Dennis Miller here for CNBC. Thanks for tuning in. Recently we had one of the WWE rasslers on our station, doing stock analysis. Unfortunately, that wrestler, John Layfield, was terminated by this channel for making some politically incorrect gestures over in Germany. The powers that be at CNBC were more irate than Lyndon LaRouche at Allen Greenspan's birthday party, if you get my drift cha-cha. So in order to remedy the situation, some new rasslers have been added to the mix here. Let me first introduce John Cena.

John Cena: Yo! The first question I have is: Is America in the house?! Let me hear you!

Dennis Miller: There isn't an audience in the studio, John.

Cena: Uh…Word Life!

Miller: OK. Also from World Wrestling Entertainment is Eddie Guerrero.

Guerrero: Hey, Esse Vato Holmes Esse Loco Vato Holmes Holmes Holmes Esse Esse Holmes Vato Loco Esse Hooolllllmmmees!

Miller: (dry) This is gonna be fun. Maybe we can balance things out with the third guest from WWE, a big wig in Memphis, Jerry Lawler. Jerry, welcome.

Jerry Lawler: Thanks for having me, Dennis.

Miller: OK guys, the first thing we should touch upon is November's election. What do you see as the future for the President? John?

Cena: Yo, it goes like this. The Prez is cool, sitting in the house. Eating some cheese, like a little bitty mouse. Jumpin' up and down like no one else can. Yo, look up - it's the Ice Cream Man!

Miller: (annoyed) What the hell are you talking about? Eddie, your thoughts?

Guerrero: Oh, Holmes. You want to know about El Presidente? You want to know what Latino Heat thinks about El Capitan? Orale! La Rasa! Holmes! Esse! That's it. I'm done.

Miller: That answered a lot. I feel like Jean Hagen on the set of Sunrise at Cambello. How about you, Jerry? What are your thoughts on Bush?

Lawler: Bush! Haha! Bush!

Miller: No, Jerry, I'm asking about the chances of President George Bush. What do you think about him? How about Dick Cheney?

Lawler: Hmm. I never tried that before. I'm open to anything though. You bring the chains and I'll whip out my…

Miller: No! Vice President Dick Cheney! I'm not offering to put chains on your… Put that thing away. I'm talking about politics. What do you think about the current political climate as our country claws itself out of Iraq and attempts to rebuild an ailing economy amidst a hostile and difficult world environment?

Lawler: (blank) Uh….Puppies!

Miller: Great. John Cena, you have something to add?

Cena: (hiding under desk) You can't see me.

Miller: That's cute. OK. How about Wall Street? Let's shift gears like Mario Andretti after a double latte with two shots of speed. Let's talk about the Exchange. Eddie, anything you like?

Guerrero: Well, I used to be into pharmaceuticals.

Miller: OK, now we're getting somewhere. What stocks are you into now?

Guerrero: What are stocks?

Miller: Wow. I should have seen that coming. Cena - thoughts on the market?

Cena: A tisket a tasket, a green and yellow basket. Row, row, row your boat. Twinkle, twinkle little star. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said…no more monkeys jumpin' on the bed! Word Life!

Miller: This is getting painful.

Lawler: OK, I whipped it out. I'm all ready for those chains now.

Miller: I'm going to end this segment now. Gentlemen, I'd like to say that it's been fun, but it hasn't.

Guerrero: Holmes!

Lawler: Puppies!

Cena: Poop!

Miller: Terrific. If anyone's still tuning in, we'll be back after the break. Stick around. We're going to have John McCain via satellite to talk about the current situation in our war on terrorism. Then later, Dusty Rhodes is going to stop by and show us how to make hand puppets out of stale donuts. Don't go away.

Change the channel, quick! You missed it, didn't you? You missed Raw. So you don't know the fall-out from Bad Blood? Is Chris Benoit still the Rabid Champion or did Kane walk out of the pay-per-view a Big Red Titleholder? Has Eugene finally shut the mouth of John Coachman? Did danceless Victoria retain her Women's Title? Have Triple H and Shawn Michaels completed their life-long and never-ending quest to destroy each other? So, if you missed the show, read on. Maybe you didn't miss it. Maybe you're just reading to find the reference to "Webster" in tonight's Insanity *. Either way, I watched Raw and the government has sent me to tell you about it. It all started with Spike Lee's TV station…

June 14, 2004...Dayton, Ohio

Someone is knock-knock-knocking on Eric Bischoff's door and it's Kane! Big Red is agitated, but Uncle Eric has some bad news anyway. You see, last night, Kane-o's match was off the hook and Bischoff recognizes that. It was grand, Kane. Just grand. Now the bad news…you're no longer the number one contender. What?! What?! This - make - Kane - angry! Chill, Monster. Bisch isn't worried about your reaction. After all, you are a professional. Dr. Kane agrees, saying "I'm a professional." He then wrecks the room. (JG Note: Professional room destroyer?) EB cowers while Undertaker's little bro trashes everything around him while huffing and puffing. No wire hangers…ever!

Raw theme plays. This is the Raw that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on, my friend…some people started watching it, not knowing what it was. And they'll continue watching it forever just because…this is the Raw that doesn't end…

Wake up, Dayton! Jerry Lawler is here for your women! Tonight he's on solo hype duty with Jim Ross in the ring preparing for the opening segment. It's the King's job to inform us that Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, and Edge go elimination style with Ric Flair, Batista, and Randy Orton. Puppies! Let's go to Jim Ross. Jim?

Thanks, King. Good ol' J.R. is chilling center-ring with a microphone in hand and a tie on his collar. Jim is here to tell you about how Shawn Michaels and Triple H went toe-to-toe last night. Damn near an hour, both men bled buckets for your buy rates. After all that, this conflict is hopefully over. (JG Note: Hopefully? What hopefully? You said this would be over! Hopefully? What? ) Since Rossy is the great friend maker, he invites both men to the ring for a good ol' fashioned handshake.

You've reached Shawn Michaels. All praise Me. Leave a message at the beep. Beep!

Hey Shawn, this is Brutus Beefcake. You still owe me like 35 bucks for that Barbershop Window. I'm going to need it a.s.a.p. Also, if you find a duffel bag, you know, just laying around, call me. I don't know where I left it. That's it. Talk to you later. Cuttin' and strut…Beep!


Shawn Michaels is here with a Bob Orton cast and wife beater on. I still can't get used to the hybrid Boy Toy-Mature Upstanding Man gimmick.

Hi. I'm the Game.

Hi. I'm the rattle. This is the yo-yo. That over there is the piggy bank, and that guy over there is Buzz Lightyear. He runs the place.


Jim Ross really gasses up the egos of Hunter and Shawn by lumping some praise upon them. It was a bit over the top in some parts, but overall good. Ross has a plea. He wants you two to shake hands and end this craziness! Get on with your lives! With that, Helmsley and Michaels stand face to face and do a Mega-Powers slow-build to a handshake. Their attempt is interrupted just before they make friends…

I'm ba-ack …but it just doesn't matter…

Uncle Eric Bischoff with his pretend power hath arrived and he's putting a stop to all this because there's an announcement to be made regarding the number one contendership. Here's the deal, guys….

Hey Bubba? D-Von? What's up? It's Kane. I heard you kidnapped my dad.

Uh, did we? Paul Bearer?

I barely remember anymore. Is he my dad? Katie Vick? Torri and X-Pac? There's been so much. I'm even supposed to care? I'm all confused. Whatever. Keep him. Never mind. Bye


Kane's here and Jerry Lawler is the only voice to hype it! It's Kane! Face to face with the Heartbreak Hunters, the Monster leans back and kicks HBK when he was unaware. After dumping Shawn from the ring, Big Red confronts Trips. The King is shocked when Hunter allows Kane to continue the pounding and leaves. (JG Note: What type of bond does he have with Shawn Michaels? He's the guy he almost shook hands with. Oooo.) Bald Bull continues in a serious manner. He puts the Boy Toy's head against the ring post and comes in with a sick looking kick. With Michaels dazed, Kane Bearer tosses him back in and enters himself, with chair in hand.

The K Man places the chair around Shawn's throat and comes down from the turnbuckle, feet first on the chair legs. The Source of All Strength immediately starts to "bleed" from the mouth in a big way. As a visual, it was good. It was graphic enough and sold enough to be effective in explaining HBK's absence while building up Kane. The officials check on the convulsing Man Toy while Kane laughs and leaves. We then watch commercials.

Commercial Break. Joe Schmo 2 starts tomorrow. In case you miss this commercial, you'll be reminded ad nausea for the next 2 hours.

Shawn Michaels is really messed up. Ross and Lawler explain their concerns. After all, if he's God and then dies, he goes to Heaven and meets himself which then throws off the space-time continuum, creating a wormhole that could destroy life as we know it. See the concern now?

(1) Lita & Matt Hardy defeated Trish Stratus & Tyson Tomko when Lita pinned Trish Trish is the Women's Champ again. Damn straight. At this point, you have to go with what you know works. If they're searching for a new identity for Victoria, don't have her as your Champ during the trial and error process. Tweak Vicki while stratus-established Trish holds the gold. Makes sense. This match was pretty good with one glaring exception. Hardy was in the ring with Tomko and jumped from the second buckle onto Ty with a cross body. TT caught him, but then stumbled, falling into the bottom buckle across the ring with Matt in hand. Oof. Not good. The ending got a good pop though with Leets plastering Strats's head into the canvas with a Fallen Angel DDT. Ring the bell, Kane's secret friend has just pinned the Women's Champion.

Still to come…Chris Jericho interviews Eugene. Downtown to Chinatown, you sanctimonious son-of-a-bitch…tonight!

Commercial Break. Nicole Ritchie should change her name to "the other girl on the Simple Life, not Paris Hilton."

Hello! Hunter's here! Hey Eric, Triple H has come around to ask you about the number one contender thing. Who was going to be the new challenger? It was Triple H, right? After all, he beat Shawn Michaels last night. It's gotta be him! He's the Game. You know you can't play him. Hold up, H's. You haven't beaten everyone around here. You know who? Bischoff's nephew, Eugene, that's who! This is no joke, Gameboy. Beat Gene next week and you get the spot. It's all you, Meatloaf. Triple H doesn't see a problem with that.

At ringside, Joe Schmo 1's Matt Gould is surrounded by girls that I thought were strippers until they were introduced as Joe Schmo 2 peeps. At ringside with this amazing quasi-not-really-celebrity is WWE's own Todd Grisham. After screaming and cheap popping the hometown crowd in Dayton, Joe Schmo Matt Gould pimps his show and WWE gets in on the fun.

Five Minute Joe schmo Segment: Hard sell. Hard hard sell. If you watch Joe schmo now, we'll throw in the amazing shammy and two…count em, Mike…two of these amazing, non-stick, never need cleaning industrial pans. You get Joe schmo, the shammy, and two pans! Act now! This truly is an amazing discovery!

It's finally over and we go to…more commercials!

Commercial Break. Clearasil Ultra is guaranteed to make your skin clear in 3 days. I guess we've now solved the acne problem. What other thing can we choose to make adolescents feel uncomfortable for? Leave it to Clearasil to throw off the whole system.

Ready, Robert'? I'll grab the flagpole. Let's go.

Sylvan, for the ninth time tonight…that's not the flag pole!


Robby Conway and Sylvan Grimier hit the ring for their flag match. Their challengers are Hurricane Helms and Super Hero In Training Rosey. Both heros hold the flags of the US. It shocks me since I thought they were from Eternia or Metropolis or something. Either way, it's go time.

(2) La Resistance defeated Hurricane and Rosie when Grimier pinned Rosie in a flag match. Jim Ross set the rules early, explaining that this was just a straight-up match with the winners being treated to their anthem and flag raising. He then speculated that he might be related to the flag's disputed designer, Betsy Ross. Over course that brings up other options for relation to J.R. Diana Ross . There's Bob Ross. There's Ross from "You can't do that on Television." The possibilities are endless, you crazy Okie. The possibilities for the Super Hero in Training's Tag Yearnings a.k.a. Team S.H.I.T.T.Y. were all for naught though. It was an outside leg pull from Conway on Rosey that gave Sylvan an easy cover and a Vollkoff worthy rendition of his home country's anthem. Hurricane and his trainee go into the Grandfather Clock to visit Bill and Cassie (JG Note: Those of you reading for the reference…that was it *.)

Commercial Break. Strydex tells me to expect more. I do. I expect a guarantee. Didn't you see the Clearasil thing a page ago?

Lita's got a pregnancy test. By "a pregnancy test," I mean "a storyline that the entire world saw coming."

WB's Superstar USA, Chris Jericho, hits the scene and the ring is all ready for some highlighting. Welcome everyone to the Highlight Reel! Your party host has a guest tonight that was victorious last night…here's Eugene!

Eugene arrives with William Regal by his side. Chris Jericho welcomes him to the Reel, calls him a sexy beast, and wonders what his favorite Y2J moment is. Gene thinks for a moment and says that it was the time that Chris Jericho peed in William Regal's tea and William drank it! Crowd pops and Willie gets mad. He gets madder when Dinsmore says that he did the same thing to Regal last week! (JG Note: Regal did that too. Only instead of "tea," we call them "flight attendants.") Listen close, Gene-O. Fozzy has some advice to hand out unsolicited. You know how you have that match with Triple H next week? Before CJ can go on, Eugene says that Hunter is his favorite wrestler. No, no! Listen! The Game is not your friend. He's no one's friend. If he were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and d**k. He's going to beat you up and end your career. It's going to happen….

…oh yeah? Triple H is here with his merry men. It seems that Chris Jericho has things all wrong. Helmsley isn't anti-Eugene. He's pro-Eugene. Look, Gene. It's Evolution. They're all your friends! In fact, Trips presents Dinsmore with some Evolved gifts. He gives him a t-shirt, hat, and autographed photo (JG Note: Just like the one I have!) He then asks for a photo op and autograph from Eugene himself. Lawler says that it's probably the first autograph Eugene has ever signed. That's saying a lot about the guy main eventing the shows he announces for. They're friends forever now! Listen up, Eug. Some people might want to split up your friendship. They're going to lie. People like Chris Jericho lie! But H is your friend. He's your biggest and best friend. In fact…

"I'm bigger than the Rock. I'm bigger than Chris Benoit. I'm bigger than anybody, Eugene. I'm the biggest friend that you have."
- Triple H, 11:08pm

Gamy convinces Gene of his sentiments and sends him on his way, warning Lord William that anyone that attempts to undermine his plan will be dealt with accordingly. After Dinsmore and Regal take off, Trippy tells Y2J that next week's match is a moot point. Gene's his friend now. The match won't be a problem. The only problem around here is Chris Jericho's…tonight. He, Edge, and Benoit are in trouble with Evolution. Best part of all this was that when William and Eugene left, Jim ross said this:

"I just…uh, don't trust Triple H, King. I don't think William Regal does either."
- Jim Ross, 10:13pm

What braindead target audience was he talking to? Was there anyone out there that thought this segment was supposed to fool you? Were there people who really thought that Hunter was sincere and then said "Hey, Jim Ross has a point. Hmmm." I don't know. It's too involved. Let's go to something totally insane.

Stacy Kiebler is walking and Lita is coming out of the latrine. She sees Kiebs and hides her pregnancy tester behind her back like the Beav hiding a slingshot from Ward and June. What's up, Lita? You ok? At this point, things seem totally insane with Miss Amy telling Stace that she took a home pregnancy test. Keibler asks "are you positive?" (JG Note: Lita should have said, "I hope so, otherwise I don't know what the hell I pissed on." Bada boom ching.) Yup. She is pregnant and it's a big secret. Don't tell Matt, ok? This is between Lita, you, and the countless people watching on Spike Lee TV. So, keep it on the down-low. She'll tell Matt tonight. This whole thing is going to end on Maury (see picture). For Lita's next match, the crowd should chant "You're Knocked Up" at her. It's only natural. You sold out! You tapped out! You f**ked up! You're knocked up! Works for me.

Commercial Break. Burger King urges me to "Stand up to the Angus." I did that once - kicked his ass. AC/DC was never the same after that.

(3) Gail Kim & Molly Holly defeated Stacy Kiebler & Nidia when Kim forced Stacy to submit How can the Women's Division get so much airtime and make absolutely no progress? To feature a segment of your roster so much without putting half the effort into character development that you would do elsewhere seems strange. If you know that someone is getting a big chunk of in-ring time, why not cut the match by 30 seconds and do a pre-match interview? Kiebler had been featured earlier in a totally different storyline. Gail Kim wasn't seen all show. Molly Holly is mentioned and hyped less and less each week. Nidia…well, I forgot that Nidia existed. Not such a good thing when you're going to have them go six minutes during the closing hour of Raw. The match was good for what it was and Gail Kim has definitely improved. Gail ended it by laying Stacy face up on the mat, hooking Kiebler's leg around her head, and then wrapping her leg around Kiebler's head. It's hard to visualize, but the concept was that she was using her neck to bend Stacy's leg back and her own leg to bend Stacy's neck, arching her back. Still can't visualize it? Leave me alone. I'm not a painter like Bob Ross, Jim Ross's long lost cousin.

Commercial Break. I know that Taco Bell says the new guacamole taco is good, but I have this rule about not eating oozing green slime from fast food places. Call me crazy, but it's a credo I live by.

Last night's Hell in the Cell is played as a slide show. Kane's earlier outburst is shown again, complete with HBK death march. Then we hype the Elimination Tag. Then we take a commercial. That was a fun segment.

Commercial Break. Geico - 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. What can I get for 20 minutes? If I stayed for 200 minutes, they would owe me money! Sweet!

Chris Benoit, Edge, & Chris Jericho defeated Ric Flair, Randy Orton, & Ric Flair in an elimination match This was a great match. All six men put in a great performance and WWE really picked the appropriate type of match for this overrun. Back during Prime Time Wrestling's heyday, the one match I didn't mind watching through a commercial break was Elimination Matches. I hated when they'd cut to Stetson ads halfway through a Conquistador #1- Koko B. Ware match, but the eliminations I didn't mind. It was exciting and entices even fans that aren't used to prolonged matches to watch. This one was no exception. Very well executed with all the guys doing their part. Flair is getting a bit worse each week, but that's all about his schedule right now. I can't fathom how he wouldn't rather sit out his later years, wrestling periodically, rested and fully capable. Instead, he's performing every week and deteriorating before our eyes. There has to come a time when someone's body no longer can take the pounding as often as it once did. While Naitch sprung back from 60 minute matches in the early '80s, it's not the early '80s and he's in his mid-'50s. Even Space Mountain can't run non-stop for 30 years. Take a break. People will still buy tickets for you when you show back up. You're Ric Flair for crying out loud. No one's forgetting you. Let me hook you all up with the Elimination Order:

1. Batista by Chris Jericho after the Lionsault
2. Chris Jericho by Ric Flair.
3. Edge by Randy Orton after an RKO
4. Ric Flair by Chris Benoit via Crossface submission
5. Randy Orton by Chris Benoit via Crossface submission
Survivor: Chris Benoit

Say what you want, but the show ended with the Champ. This was a great match that definitely made up for any lack of wrestling elsewhere in the show. For once, it seemed like all was right in the world. Benoit wins and the cameras fade to black.

All in all… You can't really complain too much about tonight's Raw. I mean, you can, but it would have to be based on personal taste.

Objection: Triple H was all over the show. Answer: Triple H may have been all over the show, but he was doing something different. He was moving on from a stale HBK issue that's been showcased on wrestling since Abraham Lincoln grappled. He built his match with Eugene, all with Chris Benoit's World Title in his sights. It was a good thing and set up next week.

Objection: Not enough wrestling. Answer: One of the most memorable wrestling moments I ever saw was Randy Savage "crushing" Rick Steamboat larynx with the ring bell in 1987. I can't tell you how long their match was up until that point. I can't tell you who else wrestled on the show. I can't remember the color of Vince McMahon's suit. All I remember is that and McMahon screaming "He can't breathe, Jesse!" Some people that saw Raw tonight never saw the Steamboat-Savage moment. The Kane attack on Shawn Michaels was memorable as well. Now they have their own. Plus, the main event was good enough wrestling to make up for the rest of the show's slow in-ring points.

Objection: Long Joe Shmo in-audience plug. Answer: Raw went on for like another 20 minutes….and it's free.

Now that we got those three out of the way, we should talk about the rest. Tyson Tomko did not have a banner evening. At this stage of his career, it only takes one botched body slam to find yourself Heidenreiched without ever explaining Little Johnny (2008 JG Note: Which he does...in his ClubWWI.com shoot!) He has a good look and a great spot alongside Trish Stratus. He's going to have to kick his in-ring style up a bit though. Fans aren't so forgiving. Ask the Shockmaster.

The Eugene usage was good and if WWE has to use this character, I'm glad they've done it as they have so far. I've really been surprised. The angle itself is fresh and I can't help but shake that there's some huge plot twist coming up. This is opposed to Lita's pregnancy which has been seen coming from a mile away.

As a whole, I liked Raw. It didn't drag and there seemed to be a balance between wrestling and entertainment. Good follow-up to a pay-per-view and the type of show that will get viewers watching next week.

Now you watch, too. Next week we'll go on more adventures and see more things. It's a wonderland, I tell ya…a wonderland. Be well, guys. See you then.

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