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JG's 7/21/08 Raw Insanity: John Cena Accidentally Punches Batista On Purpose
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(32 Mins) Honor Nation: Forgiving Hogan


JG's 6/19/06 Raw Insanity: Vince Pumps Chickens

By James Guttman Jun 19, 2018 - 7:15 AM print


Originally Published June 19, 2006


 

Poor Mick Foley. With such a tumultuous week for the wrestling industry (DX Reunion, Slammiversary, WWE's desecration of ECW's memory), many of us have forgotten all about Mankind's face-to-face confrontation with 'Nature Boy' Ric Flair on last week's Raw. Naitch, who had called Mick a 'stuntman' in his book, came out to confront Mr. Bang Bang center ring. However, 'stuntman' isn't necessarily a bad thing, is it?

That was a rhetorical question. Don't answer it. I can't hear you.

So as an homage to WWE's resident one-eared author, I've put together a flash that pays tribute to Mick and all the other stuntmen who give their bodies in order to hear the roar of the crowd. Turn up them speakers, kids. It's time to pay tribute to our favorite Fall Guy. Without further ado, I give you the...

Mick Foley Stuntman Song

Have a nice day.

***

Poor Mick-Ric. With things like DX and ECW blowing up left and right, it's hard to get noticed. Kane and Kane know the feeling. The Big Red Machine and The Big Red Carbon Copy both engaged another round of bizarre battle, yet no one noticed. How could you notice that when you have something like Extreme Championship Wrestling returning? One thing's for certain, kids. This ain't your daddy's ECDub. (JG Note: Unless your daddy likes crap.) What will happen tonight when the Extreme World Order subject Raw to another InVasion? Can the Red Shirts defend their honor against the evil Invaders? How about the big return of DeGeneration X? Tonight's the night of their long-awaited comeback. The group gets back together tonight! It's a huge reunion of Shawn Michaels, Chyna, X-Pac, Triple H, Billy Gunn, Tori, and Mike Tyson. If you ain't down with that, then the new DX has got two words for ya! 'Praise God.' Yes, there's many things on the horizon this evening. So if you've got a TV hat, you best put it on now. After all, it's 9pm. It's time to turn to the USA Network. It's time to take Raw to the Extreme. Extreme what, you ask? Extreme excitement? Extreme boredom? Extreme monotony? Well, that, my friends, is the real question. There's only one way to find out. Let's all down a bottle of Tequila and watch Raw...

Things start off with Vince McMahon in his fake office. Big Mac runs down his recent troubles with Triple H. Remember how Vince tried to get the Game to kiss his ass a few weeks ago? Well that didn't go well. Nope. Last week's handicap match for Hunter didn't go well either thanks to Shawn Michaels. Well, that trouble ends this week. Mr. McMad has big plans for DX's reunion. You can call it the destruction of Degeneration X. Don't believe it? Well, let's go to the ring so the chairman can show you all what time it is.

As Vinnie Mac attempts to leave his office, he's stopped by a delivery man with a chicken. Vince asks why he would want a chicken and is told this:

'It's not a chicken. It's a cock and apparently you love cock.'
- Delivery Man, 9:02pm

I can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed a Raw joke like that. This was good. Angered, Big Mac tells the delivery boy to go choke his little chicken. He reminds us that he's not in the mood tonight and continues to walk...

...right into an alien. It's a person in an alien costume, obviously representing the ECW show and the disallowed Martian character, and he's making noises. The 'visitor' waves his hands in VKM's face, which makes the boss turn two shades redder. Vince decides to ignore the alien and walk away, but when he spots the extra terrestrial mocking his walk from behind, all bets are off. He stops, faces the green man, and stares him down. The alien hangs his head and walks off. Again, I laughed. This must be a new record.

 

Strolling Vinnie then strolls into two male strippers. The duo, dressed in Chippendale bowties, tell the chairman that they're here to 'blow your mind. Hit it, Slim.' With that, a chubby male stripper runs in, turns on the music and they all strip for the displeased Mr. McMahon. Slim removes his pants and pours water all over himself as a seething Mac walks away. It was like the Chris Pontius Jackass character where he turns on a tape deck, and tears off his clothes without warning while shocked salespeople run away. Funny stuff. The chairman doesn't seem pleased. Surprising.

From male strippers to sons of plumbers, Daddy Mac comes face to face with Dusty Rhodes! The 'Merican Dream, if you weeeeeel, is here to pimp his Dusty Rhodes DVD. He tries to push one on The Vin Man, but instead decides to run after the male strippers'.to see if they want to buy one. Sure, Dusty. That's why you're chasing the male strippers around, ya cheeky monkey.

With the Common Man off chasing the naked men, Vincent continues on his journey. Before going through the curtain, he's stopped by another delivery man. This one wants his signature for his'imported penis-enlarger pump. (Austin Powers Note: Oh behave! They stole my gag, baby.) Originality aside, the crowd popped big and I laughed too. It was a great way to close out the backstage portion of this opening segment.

Back in the arena, Mr. McMahon swaggers to the ring and takes a microphone. He's glad that DX is having fun tonight, but their fun is going to end. Vincenzo has two words for DeGeneration X - 'Living hell!' He threatens to take his foot and put it into 'Triple H's buttcheeks.' However, before the boss can get too deep into his plans for Hunter butt, he's stopped by his son. Shane McMahon has arrived to tell his dad that there's a family emergency. Apparently,'Stephanie's in labor.' (JG Note: Or, for our Canadian readers, 'Stephanie's in labour.') Begrudgingly, VKM follows his son from the ring.

Once they reach the limo, John Coachman appears. Vinnie Mac is Vinnie Whacked right now because of all this! Damnit, Coach. Now the boss has to leave you in charge. After all, Stephanie's in labor with Test's child. The boss has to go and tend to her. You'd think this would be a time for celebration? Think again:

'My daughter Stephanie has always had the worst timing out of anybody that I know. Now she's in labor! That bitch!'
- Vince McMahon, 9:09pm

Wow. Mac and his shocked offspring climb into the car, Jim Ross cries that Coachman's in charge, and I have just witnessed the best opening this show has had in a very long time.

Commercial Break. What the hell does a gecko know about pie and chips? Don't they eat bugs and stuff? Shut up, gecko.

Torrie Wilson posed for the new WWE Magazine devoted to backyard barbeques. They had her holding a hotdog...at the end of a long BBQ fork. The visual of Torrie with a hotdog makes sense until you factor in the wiener-stabbing. Then it just becomes, well, wrong.

Last Month

Hey, Lillian.


Hey Charlie.

Listen, Lillian, Torrie doesn't want to use your song anymore. She's retained my services and sent me to talk to you.

Well, tough luck, Haas. She signed the contract. That song is her theme music forever! You can't intimidate me. I will not be terrorized!

Yeah? Yeah? OK, Lil. OK. That's fine. I'm not going to hurt you. Oh'hey, uh, be careful leaving the ring there, songbird. Sometimes, you know, bad things happen. Just watch your footing. That's all. Y'all have a good day, now.

 

 

1) Bra and Panties Tag Match: Mickie James and Candice Michele defeated Torrie Wilson and Maria

I actually like Torrie Wilson's new song. In fact, if the woman's division does nothing else, it introduces us to WWE's take on MTV Pop. If anything, it shows that WWE has a firmer understanding of its women's division than it's men's. The theme song of each woman does a great job of setting the mood for the following match. You don't get as many generic metal instrumentals with the divas, while every other new male wrestler has one. As the intros went on, Jim Ross must have realized that they got away with saying, 'you love cock' earlier in the show. So now he's taking his turn with shocking statements. This line came out of nowhere:

'I think Candice Michele would make Clay Aiken go straight.'
- Jim Ross, 9:14pm

The best thing about that line was that Jerry Lawler was so overwhelmed by the divas that he no-sold it. He said that "speaking of straight," he didn't need Mr. McMahon's penis enlarger pump while wathcing this match. Splendid.

Slobberknocker

Mickie James ended up being the big star of this one. She won the match with a stripping and then turned her ire to Miss Candice. She told the soon-to-be former heel to get out of her ring. Then she stripped her. At this point, Mickie was so crazy that she even stripped a plant...er, uh, fan at ringside. You can't beat the Women's Champion. She'll stop at nothing to get your laundry.

Commercial Break. Hey, man! Put that libre down! That's Nacho Libre! You hear me? That's Na-cho libre!

Last week, Charlie Haas apologized for rocketing Lillian into the crowd like a T-Shirt. Viscera didn't accept his apology, though. He decided to kick Charlie's butt instead. If I were Haas, I'd be happy. There's far worse things that Vis could have wanted to do to his butt.

"The World's Largest Love Machine" Viscera has arrived and he's still got beef with the young Mr. Charlie Haas. He's here to confront the bearded foe of ring announcers and tell him that he has one last chance to make things right. Make it good, little man. Charlie says that he's going to make good on all this. In fact, he already has. His sorries were already accepted by Lillian herself. Last week, he took Miss Garcia out to dinner. Then she accepted his apology over and over'with some pillow talk! That's right, Haasimoto done did the dirty deed with Lil and she loooooved it! Damn! From ringside, Lil flipped her wig. Apparently C.H.'s words weren't true'or at least that's how she acted. Either way, it earned him a slap in the face care of the man 'with the world's largest pair of pajamas.'

2) Charlie Haas and Viscera was ruled a no-contest due to Spirit Squad interference

Piece of trivia from Good Ol' J.R. in this one that today would have been Andre the Giant's 60th birthday. Again, Jerry Lawler references the penis-pump. (JG Note: A penis-pump on Raw. It must be like Christmas for Jerry. He can reference it as much as he wants and know he didn't overstep any lines because it's already been said. I'm surprised the rest of the show didn't consist of him just repeating, 'Penis pump. Penis pump. Puppies! Penis pump.' ) This whole angle was getting good even with the lackluster match. The bulk of it consisted of The V-Man beating down Charlie and asking what happened with his woman. Then, just as quickly as it began, it all was over. The Spirit Squad came running out and destroyed both men.

2,4,6,8...what does the Squad all hate? This-match! This-match! Yaaaaaaaayyyyy'this match!

The beatings continued on with no signs of turning around. After some double-teaming and triple-teaming, the Green World Order jettisoned Charlie from the ring and focused solely on Big Vis. They surrounded his prone carcass and proceeded to each grab a piece of Mabel. Then, like a giant pancake in pajamas, Viscera was hoisted in the air and slammed to the ground. Jim Ross said, 'The whole building shook.' I'll have to take his word for it, but I doubt it. I think it might have been Jerry Lawler's penis pump knocking into his chair. The Squadders call for a microphone. They have something to say.

Kenny calls out DeGeneration X right now! He does his best Marvin Tifkah impression and shouts, 'Come on!' Bring it on, DX. The Five Amigos are going to take you out before Vengeance! Right now!

Suddenly, we shoot backstage to see...Triple H and Shawn Michaels in DX gear. The Boy Toy feigns concern over their lack of numbers against Kenny and the Jets. However, Hunter says that's all meaningless since their opponents are, 'Just cheerleaders.' The Game gets back to his roots and delivers a solid sell job for their big DX reintroduction later. (JG Note: Which is a bit weird considering that they're on TV right now. I'm not sure if I would have had them both appear together prior to the in-ring 'reunion.') For now, Helmsley and The Rocker have but two words for the S.S. Those two words are, 'Look up.'

Then, as if Lisa Ruddy has just said 'I don't know,' green slime fell from the rooftops and drenched the Cheer Team. They scrambled and slopped around while DuoGeneration X laughed big hearty laughs and spray painted their letters on the screen.

Commercial Break:

 

 

 

 

Be bored on a whole new day of the week.

The Spirit Squad are all bright green and they have something to say to John Coachman. How could you let this happen, John?! What the frig!? Coachman tells the little green men that Vince McMahon had a plan for DX. That plan will play out. In fact, Coach tells the group that by night's end, those Degenerates will know that J.C. ain't to be trifled with. The Spiriters tell him that he better take care of it or else they will! John smiles and walks away. When he enters Vinnie Mac's office, though, he finds Paul Heyman perched upon the leather couch like Rumplestiltskin.

Hello, Mr. Coachman. Paul E(xtreme) Dangerously realizes that you're having a bad night. Guess what. Your night is going to get a whole lot worse, if you're not nice to Mr. Heyman. There's a whole busload of ECW wrestlers outside and they're going to have a full scale In Vasion, if you ain't careful. Annoyed, Johnny asks Stiltskin what he wants. Paulie replies that he wants to negotiate. Last week, ECDub was the highest rated show on cable television. So he wants to use WWE names to sell tomorrow's show 'give you guys a rub' by inviting Raw wrestlers to ECW Tuesday Night Heat. How's about if Edge - who seems more like an ECW wrestler anyway - teams with Randy Orton - who also seems more like an ECW wrestler - against ECW's Kurt Angle and Rob Van Dam! Coachy agrees and says that the match sounds pretty friggin' sweet. So bounce, Heyman. Meeting over. The Kool-Aid Man starts to leave...

...but has one more thing on his mind. Last week, John Cena wrapped a steel chair around the head of Balls Mahoney. Balls is here tonight. He's in the bus and he'd like to beat the Word Life out of Mr. Thuganomics. Make it happen, Coach. Make it so. The Coach agrees yet again and sends Rumplestiltskin on his way to torment girls in towers.

All they need is Kanyon

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are all mucked up at ringside. DeGeneration X has ruined everyone's clothes with their antics. Luckily, it set up for a funny moment though. As the King and the Okie wiped away the green slime, the camera suddenly cut to JR's backstage interview with Kane. Apparently, Ross's part was prerecorded because it jumped right into him asking questions'despite the fact that it was obvious he wasn't. It was like the Ashley Simpson SNL. I expected Ross to dance a little jig. WWE went with it, though. They ran the interview.

Kane has some thoughts on who might be terrorizing him. It's someone from when he was younger. It's someone more demented than he is! It's someone who's so insane that he's'.he's'.oh it's too horrible! The Big Red Machine can't even bring himself to repeat what the man he believes is impersonating him did as a child. He shakes his head and leaves the interview abruptly. Thank God. I'm glad they switched this from a mystical angle to a stalker angle. It also looks like we get a new generation of Bearer Family-inspired monster. Good stuff.

Commercial Break. Axe Body Spray can help you attract women. Axe Body Wash can help you wash away their stank.

3) Umaga pinned John McChesney after the spiked Thumb

Short story short - Umaga pummeled a jobber and then stabbed him with his thumb.

After the bell, Armando Alejandro Estrada tried to do a 'my name is' promo, but stopped when the fans joined him in yelling out his name. He threw down the microphone and left the ring. Uh'not sure what the point of that was. At first I thought it was to get heat and discourage fans from treating him like a babyface. Then I thought that by leaving the ring in a huff as a reaction to their chant, he simply encouraged fans in other arenas to do the same thing. It'll be interesting to see how crowds react to this in the future. This crowd simply sat in shock as A.A.E. lead Umaga from the ring and cut the interview portion short out of anger.

Still to come: Edge-Flair and the return of DX. Then'after the break, John Cena finally gets his hands on Balls.

Retro Commercial Break.

4) John Cena defeated Balls Mahoney via STFU Submission

John was all busted up in the face for this one. It made him look more 'hawwd.' In fact, the whole ECW feud could serve to change Cena's demeanor and give him a new persona that breaks away from the whole Mickey Mouse thing he has going on now. Lawler continued to sell his hatred for Extremely Crappy Wrestling and spent the match cheering on the former WWE Champion. Balls Mahoney looked pretty good here. It's funny because few would have expected Balls to be one of the big ECW players in this angle, but he is. His look is so different than what WWE pushes nowadays that he seems to stand out more. Funny how someone gets a push because he doesn't look like the norm, yet they continue to hire people who mostly look like the norm. This one had a great finish too. Mahoney went for a chair to the head, but Cena ducked and hit a drop toehold. With Ballsy down on the mat, he was easy pray for the STFU. Ross yelled, 'Balls is tapping out! Balls is tapping out!' Balls indeed did tap out. However, it was Paul E. Heyman who had to worry once that bell had been rung.

Paul slid into the ring to tend to Mr. Mahoney, but forgot that John Cena would be there waiting for him. The C-Man started towards him, but before he could do any damage, he was attacked by'.

Sabu! The man in the Hammer pants tossed a chair at the former WWE Champion and beat him down outside the ring. From there, he put the Doctor of Thuganomics on the announce table and set up a chair in the ring. Sabz ran, propelled off the chair, balanced on the top rope, and then hit a leg drop that sent Cena straight through the table. J.R. exclaimed, 'Jesus Christ Almighty!' The ECDubbers left the ringside area while John laid upon the ground and bled all over himself. However, J.C. reached his feet before the segment ended and Ross wondered how he could be standing straight. I know how. He's hawwd. Look at dem scars on his face, son. That's tight!

M-I-C-K-E..CW!

Commercial Break. 'From the creators of White Chicks, it' s Little Man.' Oh. You don't say? The people who did 'White Chicks' did this movie? I'd have thought that it was done by the people who did Titanic.

Back at the announce position, Jerry Lawler is still pissed off about losing his table. I guess now he can't use his pump at ringside because the table's not there to shield him or something. Anyway, he expresses his displeasure with ECW and Jim Ross joins in with his anti- Alliance ECDub sentiments.

5) Randy Orton pinned Gene Snitsky after an RKO

Dude'Snitsky didn't even get theme music. I kid you not. They announced him while Orton's music was still playing. It was horrible. It was like the kind of intros that they used to give to Riki Ataki or Reno Riggins. Crazy to see how far a guy like Gene Snitsky has fallen for no reason. I love how they give guys huge pushes and then scale them back ten times over. It's insanity. You're supposed to go forward with guys, not back. He went from a Survivor Series main event to playing jobber to the stars with Mr. RKO. Snitz almost had Randall down and out, but it didn't really matter. Everyone knew that the guy without theme music wouldn't have a shot in hell at beating Cowboy Bob's kid. They were right. The Legend Killer hit the Baby Killer with his Arkayoh and scored himself a nice little pinfall.

Following the bell, Jerry Lawler conducted a 1989-style ringside post-match interview with Ort. Randy delivered a promo for tomorrow night's ECW SciFi Show and closed by saying, 'Vengeance is mine.'

Commercial Break. There's a USA Commercial featuring Triple H, John Cena, and the guy from the Dead Zone. It's actually pretty good. I won't ruin it for you, but it centers around the dangers of wrestling with a sunburn.

This week in wrestling:

1981 - Harley Race defends the NWA Title against Dusty Rhodes.

2006 - Vince McMahon is told that he loves cock and then is presented with a penis-pump.

Carlito is in the ring and he, like everyone else, has something to say. Peep this, folks. Carly was backstage having a laugh over what DX did earlier. So John Coachman must have heard the laughter and made the following match. It's an uncool handicap match. That's not a big deal, though. Know why? Becuase Sideshow Carl winning the IC Title on Sunday'now that's cool.

6) Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro defeated Carlito Cool when Nitro pinned Cool

Obviously, they needed to have dissention between Nitro and Benjamin since they were two of the guys involved in Sunday's IC Title Match. They did just that. After some action, the team imploded and started getting into one another's face. After exchanging some punches, Johnny knocked Shelton from the ring and shouted some nastiness to him on the floor. From behind, Carlito attempted a roll-up but Nitro rolled through. He hooked Coolio's trunks and scored the victory. It's a big win for MNB.

After the bell, Carlito looked shocked. (JG Note: Probably because he knows that the babyface usually wins handicap matches.) His shock turns to awe when he realizes that Shelton Benjamin is standing next to him in the ring. Carl and Shelt start swinging at each other, but it's the Apple Man who gets the upper hand first. He slams the Intercontinental Champion with his patented Backcracker and moseys on back up the aisle.

Still to come: 'The Rated R Superstar' Edge versus 'The Rated M For Mature' Ric Flair. Also DX. DX. For God's sake'DX!

Commercial Break. New Jersey wants me to take my next vacation there. It's a possibility. I've narrowed my choices down to Maui, South Beach, and Newark.

Backstage, DeGeneration X has vandalized Vince McMahon's office just like they did to the Nation of Domination. This time they don't blame it on the Hart Foundation though. They seem to take credit for the spray painted walls and the anti-McMahon pics around the office. They laugh about all the horrible things they did and feign innocence. Michaels, surprisingly is the hammier of his duo and seems to act like a three year old. It was pretty strange. Anyway, The Coach tries to call a truce with the Dxers, but makes no progress. HHH and HBK offer to take a seat and join Jonathon in viewing the rest of the show. The acting GM doesn't seem to have any choice and the trio settle down on the leather couch for thirty minutes of Raw action. Giggidy.

Maria's cleavage is speaking to me. It says that she's here to interview Eugene. He walks into the scene, I think. I didn't really look up. Anyway, he says that he didn't recognize Miss Maria earlier. Why? Well, because she was lookin' fine in that bra and panties match! Damn! Chesty LaRue thanks her guest but has some questions about Jim Duggan. How's he doing? Gene says that Duggan is doing good. But come Sunday, Umaga won't be doing good. Ugene will trounce Jamala and then have Hacksaw over his house for cake. At this point, you'll never guess who showed up and delivered a great line.

'Hacksaw's going nowhere except maybe the hoooooooome!'
- Rob Conway, 10:36pm

Hahahahhahaha! I liked that one. Eugene didn't though. He screeched like a canary in the microwave and then opened up a can of whoop-ass on the Con-Man. After the beating, Dinsmore ran off while Rob rolled around in agony.

(JG Note: Thanks to Insanity Forum Member Aaron Wood for pointing out that Conway actually said "hoooo-spital." Oh. Meh. I liked "hooooome" better. It flows better. I'm just going to pretend he said "hoooome." You guys can too. I won't tell anybody.)


At ringside, the broadcasters once again complain about their lack of table and run down the card for Vengeance. We'll have real time coverage of the event right here on WorldWrestlingInsanity.com this Sunday at 8pm.

John Coachman doesn't appear to be having fun while wedged between Triple H and Shawn Michaels. The duo needle Coach by asking over and over if he's going to get Vengeance. John tells them to cut the criznap and know their role. Boys, when you mess with Big John, you mess with Vince McMahon himself. Pretending to be frightened, the Degenerates act like they're about to leave. Get this - the gullible Coach believes it and thanks them. Duh. For his stupidity, Coachman earned a trip through the wall. The Boy Toy and his Kingly partner slam him head first through the gimmicked bricks and then yank his pants down. With John's thong-wearing ass exposed to the world, Shawn asked what type of man would wear such an undergarment. Trips, who has showed his thong off many times before, looked from side to side and then said, 'Yeah. It's stupid.' I laughed. Good stuff. Then, the coup de' gras. They spray painted his buttcheeks with the DX letters. They leave the room and the acting GM is stuck in a wall with his exposed rear-end hanging out. Let's hope that Viscera doesn't stop by the office to ask for something. This could get bad.

Commercial Break. The Highlanders are on their way to WWE. They've come all the way from Scotland to do a comedy gimmick. In this week's episode of Highlander theater, they try to get into their motel room, but can't open the door. Robbie breaks it down and the two go inside. They then sit on the bed and mistakenly put on the porn channel. That mistake ends up being a blessing. They're thrilled over what they see and profess that they love America. Yup. The Highlanders are coming'to Raw.

Over at the destroyed announce table, the Unknown Stuntman Mick Foley is seated alongside Lawler and Ross. He tells the commentators that come Vengeance, Ric Flair is screwed, dude. He wanted to call out Cactus and his lack of 'rasslin' skills? Well, now it's awn. Foley is going to face Ric on pay-per-view and stink the show up in their two out of three falls match. Yes. You heard that right. Mankind plans on having a bad match. When he's asked if Vince McMahon would take issue with his intentionally poor performance, Cactus Jack said this:

'If the card wasn't loaded - and we saw the line up, it's loaded from top to bottom - it's not gonna bother Vince if I take the night off. I can say whatever I want about Vince McMahon. I can say right up front, he's a manipulative, cold-hearted, no-good, son-of-a-bitch, and he's powerless to do anything because I'm Mick Foley and I can steal any pay-per-view show I want like that. I'm just not going to do it at Vengeance.'
- Mick Foley, 10:48pm

7) Edge pinned Ric Flair after a Spear

Foley goes on to say how deeply offended he was by Flair's comments regarding his wrestling ability. If he hadn't have done that, Mick might have given him 100% in their match on Sunday. However, at this PPV in Charlotte, Ric is going to participate in a 'fiasco' in front of his hometown. Ross reminds him that Mr. McMahon might take exception to his poor PPV performance, but Mankind says the chairman can go to hell. After doing some verbal damage, Cactus Jack does some physical damage. While Lita distracted the ref, Dude Love gave the Nature Boy a Socko Claw. When he finally released him, Edge Copeland ran in with a Spear. Edgar covered Slick Ric and three seconds later, we had ourselves a sinner...er, uh...winner.

After the bell, Rob Van Dam came running out from the back and hit Edge with a flying kick. Foley tried to stop him, but he got popped too. With Copeland down and out, RVD hit his patented Five Star Frog Splash and left through the crowd. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

In another section of the arena, the Spirit Squad is riling up the heels against DeGeneration X. If you all don't band together now, you'll end up embarrassed by the Degenerates too! Umaga, Alesandro, Matt Striker, Trevor Murdoch, Bradshaw Lance Cade, and Rob Conway all agree and head out to stop the returning faction from wreaking any more havoc.

Commercial Break. Turn your Verizon phone into a music player. That's good. I turned my Verizon phone into a monkey. I made a little head out of cotton balls and stuck it on with glue. His name is Phoney Baloney and he loves bananas.

Are you ready?

You think my wife's company can tell us what to do? You think that my wife's company can tell us what to wear? My wife's family thinks that they're better? Well, you better get ready...bow to the Lord God...Break it down!

 

 

And on the 7<sup>th day, God said 'Suck It'

DeGeneration X is here with their music and pyro. The seizure-iffic intro montage airs and the duo give their crossed-arm salutes. J.R. remarks that it's a 'shame that Stephanie McMahon went into labor' because Vince McMahon can't be here to see this. Luckily, we're not in labor. So we get to see it. Ha ha. Child birth sucks.

Helmsley starts things off old school with his Michael Buffer-like 'let's get ready to Suck It' speech and gets a good reaction. When The Heartbreak Kid takes the microphone, the chants of 'DX' force him to stop for a moment. He then takes Billy Gunn's line and says that if 'you're not down with that, we only got two words for you.' The audience yells out, 'Suck it,' but it doesn't help Shawn's conscience. You see, HBK is unhappy with what he's done. He's says that he's not happy with his actions and...well:

'I am guilt ridden. We did a bad thing tonight. I had to come out here and ask the Lord for forgiveness. I had to ask each and every one of you for forgiveness. Because right now at this very minute Vince Mcmahon and Shawn Mcmahon are nervously biting their fingernails on a jet plane flying back to Connecticut, worried sick over Princess Stephanie and her, you know, labor pains.'
- Shawn Michaels, 11:00pm

'Liar! Liar! That's a lie.'
- Daddy Hunter, 11:00pm

(JG Note: I guess Vince and Shane don't have cell phones to call Steph.) Trips would know if the labor was legit, wouldn't he? After all, it's his kid, right? Why wasn't Vince put off by the fact that the baby's father didn't leave the arena? I'm not the only one wondering about the paternity here. Kid Heartbreak asks the Game if he knows who knocked up old Step. Trips responds that whomever did it must be a 'stud' and, after gesturing to his knee, said he also must be 'hung down to here.' (JG Note: Cute. The crowd reacted pretty well to it and, although I'm never big on doing those bizarre in-and-out of kayfabe things, I thought this worked. They had to address the father-factor at least once during the show and it was handled in a funny way.) HBK says he's going to segue into a shameless pay-per-view plug'and then does just that. He urges me to call my local cable provider and order Vengeance.

The Showstopper turns his attention to the Spirit Squad. They may think it's five-on-one match this Sunday, but it's not. It's five against The Game and The Heartbreak Kid. Now that's a horse of a whole different color.

Mikey! Johnny! Winston! Phillipe! Tiger Chung Lee!

The Squad is here'only they're not. It's five midgets doing the robot and hopping around. One of the midgets was completely round and made me nostalgic for Super Porky. Shawn and Trips then pretended to beat up the mini-Squad, which didn't get that great of a reaction. After that was done, Mr. H and the Dude With Attitude did some more of their vaudeville act. Hunt told Michaels that the joke came up 'short for DX standards.' I groaned. Triple then rubbed his nipples and says he's been thinking of cheerleaders all week. No one really reacted to that either as it seemed to just make everyone uncomfortable. To get the K.o.K.'s nipple-rubbing out of your mind, they call to the back and a team of female cheerleaders come running out with pom-poms. (JG Note: If this was ten years ago, these girls would have been hired to be ' Godfather hoes.')

Instead, the cheerleaders give a DX cheer and remove their tops. They have DX written on their bras and the King of Puns tells them that they're the 'breast cheerleaders ever.' He then tries to cajole them into removing their DeGeneration Brassieres, but they're interrupted by...

Mikey! Johnny! Salem! Ryan! Tiger Jeet Singh!

It's the Sprit Squad'for real this time and they come with friends. Alongside the midcard heel brigade, all the Spiriters rush the ring. However, they neglect to see their backup leave as soon as the first two hit the ring. Unaware that they've been deserted, two of the Green World Order members get into DX's collective face. When they finally turn to see their partners trying to call back their crew, it's too late. They're trapped. The Boy Toy and the Baby Daddy have them right where they want them.

The Degenerates take down their foes with ease. Hunter Hearst Helmsley hits his Pedigree on one cheerleader while Shawn hits his Chin Music on another. The crowd doesn't seem to pop much at all. As the Cheer Team takes their leave, Mr. Steph takes the microphone and informs them that at Vengeance, they have two words for the Squad.

With that, the midgets drop their drawers and reveal that they have 'Suck It' written their naked asses. Is that DX's thing now? They write their mottos on other dude's asses? I seem to see a theme developing. This segment was good, but it was far from the show closing magic many of us had expected. Regardless, Raw was good and DX is back as we fade to black.

All in all...Raw was good. I just said it a second ago. Didn't you see?

Triple H is better as a wisecracking tweener. He always has been. Tonight he had a few misses, especially in the pun department, but he ultimately came across well. Any missteps can be chalked up to the transition from King of Kings to Ace Degenerate. He was more natural than he's been in a while and for the first time in a long time didn't seem like he was play-acting.

Shawn Michaels had the same thing going on. He remembers his DX character and tried his best to play it again. However, he overdid it at times. That aside, he too was great in his returning role. He just needs to turn the volume down a bit. He has to be careful to not come across as a schmuck. There's a fine line between quirky sarcasm and complete buffoonery.

All that being true, DX had its moments tonight. At times, they seemed to be doing great. At others, not so much. The show closing segment may have been the lowest point for them, which is surprising. However, there were so many great moments on the show that it had some tough competition.

The Vince McMahon opening was by far one of the best openings this show has had. From the alien to the chicken delivery to the Jackass-style male strip tease, they really succeeded in creating something that was humorous. I was really impressed with it and the 'Stephanie's in labor' thing was enough to pique anyone's curiosity factor early on. With a two hour broadcast, it's important to hook people early. This show did just that.

John Cena's ECW feud really looks like it's starting to help his character. Thank God. He needed a violent feud to give him legitimacy again. You don't get more violent in today's WWE than Sabu. If only Tuesday Night SciFi was as exciting as tonight's show, we'd be on to something. Then again, with a packed episode tomorrow night, we might be in for two surprises in one week.

From top to bottom, this week's Raw kept you entertained. You shouldn't have been disappointed if you happened to tune in and aside from Coachman's ass'and midget ass, there wasn't too much to make you shudder. The real test is how they carry themselves through the pay-per-view to next Monday. Hopefully we'll have some more excitement next week instead of back to business as usual.

That's it for me, guys. Be sure to check out this week's Radio Free Insanity: ECW Edition with Dr. Tom Prichard. The Doctor and I spend over an hour looking at ECDub's big return and all the other things that are going on in WWE today.

Also, if you haven't yet, check out World Wrestling Insanity: The Book. It's the closest you can get to the Insanity of WWE without jobbing to Triple H!

That's it for me, guys. See you next week. Be well and thanks for sharing my Insanity.

 



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