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JG's 6/5/06 Raw Insanity: Shane-O-Mac Trips On Preggo Powder

By James Guttman Jun 5, 2018 - 8:20 AM print


Originally Published June 5, 2006


Science Fiction is about to get Extreme! 

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

Stephanie McMahon: ECW People! Can you hear me in the back? Hello? Are we all here? Is everyone here? Terrific. Listen, guys, I really need you all to take a seat so we can get started.

Sandman: (picking up his chair) Where should we take ‘em? Ha ha ha!

Sandman laughs and looks around. No one else is laughing. Those who have worked in WWE for a while stare in horror. Vince McMahon simply shakes his head "no" slightly. Sandman puts his chair back down, sits, and covers his face.

Stephanie: OK, everyone. As you might know, we’ve secured a TV deal with the Sci Fi Network for the new ECW TV Show. As you may have guessed, some things need to be tweaked a bit in order to fit in with our new surroundings. I’ve taken the liberty of bringing scripts for all of you. We’ll take this time to read them and go over the changes. First and foremost, we all need to address Paul Heyman’s new vision of ECW.

Paul Heyman: What exactly is my new vision of ECW?

Stephanie: It’s written on your script, Paul.

Heyman: Oh. OK. I see it. "Extreme Science Fiction meets Sports Entertainment." Not really sure what that means.

Stephanie: It all will work itself out. OK, let’s start with the read-through for the big WWE-ECW Confrontation. John, you start.

John Cena: (reading) Yo, yo, yo! Throw your hands in the air, ECW. The Champ is here!

Rob Van Dam: (reading) John Cena! I know you have fear in your heart. I can read your thoughts. I have the power to see in your mind. Nanu-nanu. (out of character) "Nanu-nanu?" I’m saying "nanu-nanu?"

John Cena: (giggling) That’s funny, man. Sound like "poo-poo." Hee hee, "Nanu-Poo-Poo" to you-you! Ha ha! WORD LIFE!

Everyone stares at Cena for a minute.

RVD: Also, since when can I read minds? What the hell is that about?

Stephanie: You have telekinesis.

Cena: Ha! You have Pelican-feces! Ha ha!

RVD: Dude, seriously, you have to stop.

Sabu: (raising his hand) Uh, excuse me, big lady.

Stephanie: My name is Stephanie and I'm big because I’m pregnant, Sabu. What do you want?

Sabu: How come I’m getting a title shot? What’s going to be the explanation as to why you people haven’t hired me for the past five years and now – poof – I’m a World Title contender.

Triple H: We worked that out, Tatu. It’s ingenious.

Stephanie: OK, here's the deal. You were taken from Earth five years ago by spacemen. Last week, you were returned to the planet in a ball of light…with 4300 other people!

RVD: Yo, that’s a TV Show. I’ve seen it. It’s called 4400.

Triple H: No, man. This is 4300, not 44.

RVD: What’s the difference?

Stephanie: (angry) What’s the difference? Uh…try like a hundred! That’s a lot of people. Big difference between 4300 and 4400, pal.

Triple H: (whispering to Vince) Stoner doesn’t even know math. Told you he wasn’t ready for this push.

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

Sabu: So I was on a ball of light for five years?

Stephanie: Yes. Now you’ve returned to take out your anger on Rey Mysterio. Also, you have telekinesis too.

Cena: Ha ha. You smell like it.

Sabu stares at Cena

Sabu: (to Stephanie) Can I cut him with my barbed wire?

Stephanie: No, you can't. Now Mick, Edge, why don’t you two read your part.

Edge: (reading) ECW isn’t worth my time. I’m the R-Rated Superstar and this show is rated G for "Goofy!" You are all a bunch of…goofs! Ha ha ha!

Mick Foley: (reading) That’s right, Edge. I hate my family! I hate ECW! I hate the United States and I hate children! I hate them! (out of character) Uh, Steph, I don’t feel comfortable doing this.

Vince: Just do it.

Mick: OK.

Stephanie: Great, so we’re all on the same page. Tazz, take it away.

Tazz: (reading) Jerry Lawler, you want to cut down ECW? You want to cut down my home? You want to destroy what I built? Huh? Well, listen pal, I’m gonna choke you out and then wake you up so I can choke you some more. My name is Tazz! Win if you can…survive if I let you!

Stephanie: Now you flap your wings and fly out of the ring.

Tazz: What?

Stephanie: That’s your new thing. I told you, Tazz. Sci-Fi wants some science fiction on their show.... duh. So you’re going to have the ability to fly. We’ll rig you up to a pulley system and tape feathers on your arms. The backstory will be that you were bitten by a magic bird Nunzio had left in his old ECW locker.

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Tazz: Oh, I see. Uh …are you gonna explain that to the audience? I didn’t see it on the run-sheet.

Stephanie: Nah. They’ll figure it out for themseleves when you fly out of the ring.

Tazz: No they won’t.

Stephanie: (angry) You callin’ the fans dumb?

RVD: We’re callin’ you dumb, dippy.

Stephanie: What did you say?!

RVD: I said "Bear callin’s too fun, yippee!"

Cena: (excitedly) No kiddin? You go bear callin’ too? I love it, man. Do it every year. Check it out – "Ahhhhh ooooh oooo!" That’s a grizzly, man. You like? You like?

Stephanie: This is stupid. Let’s just skip to the end.

Heyman: (flipping through the pages) Uh, Mr. McMahon? It says here that on the final show, Triple H pins everyone on the roster.

Hunter: No, not me. It’s my evil clone – played by me.

Heyman: But you pin everyone? Why do you need to pin everyone?

Hunter: Aren’t you listening? I don’t pin anyone. My clone does.

Stephanie: His name is Howard Horatio Helmsley.

Hunter: Yeah. Howard Horatio Helmsley. See. It’s a clone. It’s called science-friction, stupid.

Heyman: OK, what about this part after that? It says that after we all lose, Vince blows up the building with everyone from ECW in it?

Vince: Yes. It’s only a Summer Series.

Heyman: But you have to blow us up at the end?

Vince: It’s a S ummer Series, Paul. The show's only on for the Summer. What are you missing here?

Heyman: Well, do you have it all figured out on how you’re going to gimmick the explosion so that it doesn’t really kill us.

Vince: Yeah, we’ll square all that away. I’ll get Joe Brulley in production to work on it.

Heyman: (pause) But there’s no one named Joe Brulley in the production department…

Stephanie: Meeting adjourned!

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

 


Shazbot, Earthlings. World Wrestling Entertainment’s journey on the road to this year’s One Night Stand is in full swing. Mere days away from the yearly one-night-only event, the boys and girls of ECW are prepared to face a challenge greater than any found in the Twilight Zone, Land of the Lost, or on Melmac. It's a night to prove what their worth.  One way to do that is for one of their own to beat the WWE Champion. ‘Member him? His name’s John Cena. White guy. Crew cut. You know him. Anyway, John C is going to walk that aisle tonight and sign his contract to face Rob Van Dam at the big ECDub show. Will there be any uninvited guests to interrupt the festivities? Should we say…any exrteme guests? While on the subject of guests, you can be sure that the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, won’t want anyone interrupting his fun tonight. Big Mac will enter the ring, drop his pants, and force his daughter’s husband to put his lips on an area that’s covered by his bathing suit. That’s right…his private areas. Some call it disgusting. Some call it perversion. For those of us familiar with World Wrestling Insanity, we call it Raw. So grab your Spock ears, death phasers, and photoshopped pictures of Gillian Anderson. Scotty 2 Hotty is all set to beam us up for the next two hours. After all, we have a show to watch…

We start the show with a shot of Triple H backstage. The Game has a hat on and he’s thinking intensely about his father-in-law’s ass. Suddenly his visions of buttcheeks are interrupted by his wife’s brother, Shane McMahon. Shane-o Mac tries to start a dialogue with Trippie, but is stopped in his tracks. Find this funny, Shane? Huh? "The Mr. McMahon Kiss-My-Ass Club?" You like that? Little Mac tells Helmsley to stop right there. You think he likes seeing, his dad’s "alabaster doughy keester flopping all over the place?" (JG Note: Alabaster? Someone has one of those word-of-the-day calendars.) Making matters worse, Shane-o Insane-o has already joined the club himself. Now listen, Gameboy, there’s a way out of this. Vince likes you. In fact, S.M. knows for a fact that his dad considers you a "member of the family." Now go reason with him…or else things are going to get "a whole lot worse." With that, Mighty Mac pats his brother-in-law on the shoulder and walks away, content with the fact that he was able to work both a winky insider line and the word "alabaster" into one promo.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler left bloodshed, mayhem, and unwed mothers-to-be all over Pittsburgh last night and now they’re here to call the action for a jam-packed edition of Raw! The most important situation tonight involves their boss’s naked ass and his desire to have big mens put their big ol’ lips on it. Then, of slightly less importance, WWE Champion John Cena and Rob Van Dam sign their ECW One Night Stand contract. That’s right, folks! We’ve got butts! We’ve got paper signing! We’ve got it all! If you pay really close attention you might even catch the hidden wrestling throughout the show. First item on the agenda is paper. Let’s go to the ring. Cheech and Poop are ready to do some signing.

Paul Heyman and Montel Williams John Coachman are standing by in the ring to welcome Rob Van Dam and John Cena. The table is set with the contracts and the Brother Love tarp covers the canvas.  Right off the bat, Robby V is ready for business. He takes a seat at the table and invites The Doctor of Thuganomics to do the same. He does and the Coach starts to explain the obvious. He gives the backstory on Van Dam’s Money in the Bank win before presenting the contract for his signature. Before putting his John Hancock on it, Mr. Monday Night has some words for the WWE Champion and you can bet your stash that they’re not kind, bud.

"Six days, John. Six days before that title right there is around my waist. And renamed the ECW World Title! I hope you’re prepared, John, for this fight. For this hardcore action that brings out the best in me. And for this extremely judgmental crowd that can’t wait to boo you right out the freakin’ door. No, John. The chain gang will not be present at One Night Stand."
         
- Rob Van Dam, 9:08pm

Just to clarify what Rob has said, Paul Heyman jumps in and delivers a speech in his trademark tone. He tells the WWE Champion that the rabid crowd will be at One Night Stand to cheer on Van Dam and Van Dam alone. According to Paul, they can’t wait for the chance to rub the letters "ECW" in Cena’s face. The audience seems to almost get into Heyman’s speech at one point, but really seem confused in terms of reaction. This whole angle has really been lost on the casual fan. In some ways, it’s been lost on the diehard fan too. I guess they want fans to cheer ECW and boo WWE. One problem with that…if most WWE fans liked ECW better than WWE, then ECW wouldn’t be out of business!

Now it’s John Cena’s turn. The WWE Champion takes the microphone and has a good laugh about Paulie’s speech.  Why?  Well:

"Passionate fans? Ha ha ha. Ahhh. You’re damn right because you are looking at an ECW fan. Paul, I watched and respected every single thing that ECW did for this business. And Rob, just because I gotta go to your house and play by your rules and have 2500 of your best friends boo me out of the Hammerstein Ballroom, don’t think that I’m just gonna lay down and hand you this WWE Championship. It don’t work like that, Jack. Don’t get me wrong. Everyone in this building now knows that you will fight for ECW. What you need to understand is that I have fought and I have bled to keep this. To hold on to this WWE Championship, I have stepped in a cage with pitbulls. I fear nothing and regret less! Along the way, Rob, I’ve been booed out of a building or two. I know what that’s like. But I still go the nuts to stare the devil in the face!"
                    -
John Cena, 9:10pm

(JG Note: He saw the devil? Tell him to tell you who the devil is. Who’s the devil, John? Latkama Kaiser Soze! Kaiser Soze! KAISER SOZE! Word life.) After finishing his melodramatic speech with some doofy thing about being a soldier, John’s voice cracks. That’s all the haters need. They start a big "Cena Sucks" chant while the WWE Champion and "ECW fan" signs the paperwork. He wishes his opponent luck and makes his way out of the ring.

Paul Heyman stops him in his tracks. Not so fast, Corky Romano. You’re not off the hook, yet. You see, you’re first taste of Extreme Championship Wrestling won’t be on Sunday. No, no, no. Your first taste of the Extreme Team will be two nights from now on the USA Network. Yeah. Your first ECW exposure will take place on "ECW vs. WWE" this Wednesday. The night will feature ten WWE guys and ten ECW guys locking horns in a battle royal. Just to give you a sneak preview, C-Man, The Heymaniac has brought some of those ECDub guys to Raw tonight. With that, Rob points up into the audience, the Extreme Theme plays, and the Philly Reps come walking out.

The team is lead by Tommy Dreamer and is comprised of Balls Mahoney, Sandman, and Terry Funk. They surround the popular WWE Champion and Jim Ross wonders how he’s going to get out of this predicament. He gets his answer fairly quickly. John asks Paul E. if these guys have come for "John Cena autographs." Dangerously laughs, but not for long. Dr. Thuggy decides that if he’s going out, he’s "going out swinging." On that note, he starts tossing punches at everyone in the ring.

He had the upperhand for like two seconds. All it took was a swing of The Sandman’s Singapore cane to knock him down. The ECDubbers began to beat the earwax out of the WWE Champion and it really looked like Sandy was tearing him in half with violent cane shots. Then…the camera changed positions and it became clear that the S-Man wasn’t hitting the Champ at all. In an effort not to hurt the champion of the company he just signed with, Sand was repeatedly slamming his cane into the ring itslef. Man, he was beating the crap out of the canvas. Sandman must really hate that red tarp.

As the Alliance ECW Crew was pounding away on Mr. Chaingang, Sabu suddenly appeared and climbed the turnbuckle. Heyman’s Henchmen set the WWE Champion up on the contract table and signaled for Sabby to hit the Arabian Facebuster. He obliged…sorta. It was mistimed and looked sloppy, but that didn’t matter. The table broke. With a spot like that, that’s the only real important part anyway.

When Big Show, Carlito, Trevor Murdoch Charlie Haas, and others came running out, J.R. started to refer to them as the "WWE" team, but quickly changed his wording to "the Raw Superstars." Take that for what you will. I'm guessing that they don't want to seperate ECW from WWE since it's supposed to be a brand and not a seperate entity.  Whatever.  Slowly but surely, the entire locker room cleared and joined the WWE Champion in the ring. (JG Note: Sure. Now they all love him.) The Bingo Ballers run away through the crowd while their foes stare from the ring. Good Ol’ J.R. tells us that if "you like carnage, then this is the night for you." He forgets to add that if you like seeing Vince McMahon’s ass, then tonight is also the night for you. So all you ass-lovers and carnage-lovers unite! We have another hour and forty-five minutes of this.

Commercial Break. " Running Scared makes Kill Bill seem like Sesame Street."  I guess it was one of those unaired Sesame Street episodes where Big Bird slices everyone up with sword.

Recap of the big mess that just happened.

I spit in the face of people who don’t watch Heat.

1) Carlito pinned Shelton Benjamin after "his version of the backbreaker."

Second segment on the show and the second indifferent response from the crowd. You can’t blame them for it. Carlito has been hidden away for a while, treading water on Heat. Shelton has been used to get over other storylines and situation instead of being given his own. Put them both together and you have a meaningless match over a title that WWE doesn’t make its fans care about. Making matters worse, WWE has booked the Raw color commentator, Jerry Lawler, into a match at the ECW show. What’s wrong with that? Well, in order to sell his involvement with the show, Jerry now has tunnel vision. This match seemed dead at times and rather than create a backstory that could make it more interesting to the at-home audience, we had to sit through babyface/heel Lawler’s confusing stance on the "rehab center" and "mental hospital" that was ECW. Again, you have to factor in the fact that the King has been used as a babyface for the past few years to see how ridiculous all this is. It’s not 1997, Vince. Jerry was a heel then. That’s why it worked. Now you’re just confusing your audience. No one seemed to be paying attention until Carly hit Shelly B with his version of the backreaker and scored a pinfall. Everyone cheered. Then we realized it was a non-title match. Then we stopped cheering.

Jim Ross says he saw "See No Evil" twice. Apparently, he couldn’t believe how bad it was the first time and had to watch it again.

Triple H is still wearing his I’m-turning-babyface baseball cap. He’s outside the door of Mr. McAssFetish and, after thinking for a moment, decides to walk in. Once inside, he’s met by John Coachamn. Coachy tells Trips to sit tight. He’ll run off and tell Vince that you’re here to see him. With that, Montel runs from the room and Hunter’s eyes become fixated upon a photo hanging from the wall. It’s a picture of Shawn Michaels having his face rammed into VKM’s fannie by Shane. The Game stares longingly at his father-in-law’s ass as the camera zooms in for us. Will Helmsley smooch Big Mac’s booty? Stay tuned! You don’t want to miss this! What? You do want to miss this? Oh. Well, don’t tune away anyway. Come on! If you had a TV show, Vince McMahon would watch it. The least you could do is return the favor.

Commercial Break. The Omen opens tomorrow in theaters everywhere. Hey, this movie reminds me a lot of that other movie. What was it called? Oh yeah. "The Omen." I love how they remake horror movies exactly like the original and then charge us $10 to see it in a big theater with other people.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are in attendance and they’re wearing their Superbowl rings. The Steelers are OK. They’re no Birmingham Thunderbolts, but they’ll do.

Triple H is still staring at the picture of his father-in-law’s ass. Seriously. He’s been staring throughout the whole commercial. Creepy. Suddenly, his centerfold comes to life and enters the room. Big Mac struts in and he’s sooooooo excited! Guess what, Hunt. Know how Vinnie Mac heads over to New York every Wednesday for a manicure, shoe shine, and facial? Well this week he got a – wait for it – "asscial." Yes. An "ass-cial." McMahon says he had his butt "sandblasted" for Hunter’s gamy lips. (JG Note: "Asscial" went over like the Hindenburgh. Hey, at least Vince found it funny. That’s the important thing.) Asscial or no asscial, Helmsley stands tall to Steph’s pops. No go on the butt kissing, Dad. The Game ain’t about to embarrass himself. Mr. McMahon tries to reason with the King of Kings. Listen, man, it’s called leadership by example. If you kiss the boss’s ass, then everyone in the locker room – all those sweaty muscle men – will jump at the chance to make out with Vincent’s bare bottom. Ooooooo! The thought of it just makes Mr. McManiac giddy as a school girl! That doesn’t matter to Mr. H, though. He again tells the chairman that he’s not getting any Hunter Ass-Love tonight. Think of another way, pervert. Mac does just that. Here’s what we’ll do. How’s about if tonight we have the K.o.K. in the baseball cap stepping into the ring…one on one…with the Big Show? You win and the tooshie-smoochie is off the agenda. Sound good, Gamer? Sideburns agrees, but then learns about the fine print. That match is happening…now.

2) Big Show defeated Triple H via disqualification

During Helmsely’s entrance, Jerry Lawler went on about McMahon’s weirdness regarding ass-kissing. Ross chimes in and says that the day he joined the club wasn’t a good one. I would imagine so. This one goes back and forth for a bit, but it was all really leading to the finish. As you might expect, the Game didn’t prevail here. The ending, however, was interesting. The Spirit Squad came skipping out from the back and attacked the Big Show in full view of the referee, causing Hunter to get disqualified. Despite begging and pleading, Trips was denied an appeal by the official. The result stands. HHH loses the match thanks to a master plan and it appears that the Cerebral Assassin has been out-cerebralled.

Commercial Break. This season of the 4400 is "the season you can’t miss." OK. I guess that means we’re allowed to miss the season after this one.

Mr. McMahon is talking to Charles Nelson Reilly on his cell phone and sitting on his leather couch when Triple H comes running in. What the frig’!? What the frig’?! How the hell could you set up the Game like that? Irate, McMahon tells Trips to cool his jets. Vinnie Mac didn’t do anything. Hell, he was on the phone. Mr. McAss didn’t send anyone down to do anything to you! But wait…does that mean you lost? Ooooo! As Borat would say, "it’s sexy time." Big Daddy Mac is going to get some booty kisses tonight! (JG Note: Let me get this straight.  He made a match ten minutes ago between Hunter and Big Show. He knew that the result of said match decided whether or not he would finally humble Triple H. Then, even though the match started immediately, Vince chose not to watch it and instead have a leisurely phone conversation? Wow. This guy really does hate wrestling.) Vincenzo tells Degeneration Trips that "a deal is a deal." Now you’re gonna have to get intimate with your father-in-law’s alabaster keester or else you’re never going to wrestle for a title again. How’s that sound? Now you better go and practice your pucker, sucker.

Eugene Dinsmore is introduced for the next match and his opponent is already in the ring waiting for him. Mean Street Matt Striker takes the microphone and reminds Gene that he’s already been embarrassed in a Striker-confrontation. How dumb are you? What makes you think tonight will be different? Eugo replies that he’s gone and gotten himself a new tutor. Incredulous, Matty asks who would be stupid enough to tutor someone like Dinsmore? With that, Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s music plays and he comes walking out. What a team. All they need is the Bezerker and they can be the "Three Weird Guys With Beards."

3) Eugene pinned Matt Striker after a Three Point Stance Tackle

The crowd reacted more to this match than much of the rest of the card. That’s kinda sad in a way. It also says a lot that Jim Duggan can get the crowd going more with a USA chant than most of today’s kids can with a moonsault. This contest was short and sweet as Gene hit Dean Striker with the Hacksaw Three Point Stance and scored himself a win.

After the bell, Matt attacked Eugene at ringside until Duggan chased him away with his wood. Wait, I didn’t mean…you know what I meant. After saving Eric Bischoff’s nephew from further damage, Jim helped him to his feet, only to be squashed against the ring post by a charging… Umaga!

Like the Great Gazoo, Armando Alejandro Estrada appears out of thin air and directs traffic from the ring apron. He orders Jamala to get onto the ring and deliver a headbutt to his fallen prey. He does. Then, when it appears that the damage has been done, Armando gives one last order. He breaks one of his cigars in half and Maga responds by thumbing Hacksaw in the throat. Hooooooooooooo-cough-cough-cough.

This bleeds into an Armando "My Name Is" promo. AAE told Duggan that he has just a new victim and put over his Three Minute Warner as a big name to contend with.

Still to come: Muttonchops and Ass Cheeks Collide!

Commercial Break. I’ve been playing a lot of the new Hitman: Blood Money game. Awesome game. It’s so realistic. When I choke people to death with fiber wire in the game…it’s feels just like when I do it in real life.

Kurt Angle is here and his teeth are green! The Olympic Gold Medallist walks that hometown aisle and enters the ring to address all of his ECW fans. He thanks the Pittsburgh audience, but before he can get into his schpiel, he’s interrupted by some familiar music.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Honey! How many times do I have to tell you?! Don’t wash the flannel or the sock!

But Mick, they smell.

Damnit! Now I have to draw a whole new face on the sock. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m gonna need a marker, a protractor, and three bags of Cheetohs. Go get them now.

Why do you need Cheet…?

Just go get them!!!

 

 

 

 

Mick Foley and his favorite shirt show up unexpectedly to confront the hometown hero with the Olympic medals. He calls out Angle for his cheap pop. That’s Foley’s gimmick, Kurtis. Speaking of gimmick infringement, that’s what ECW is. Yup. According to Mankind, they’re a bunch of "cheap Mick Foley rip-offs." To this, Kurt says that the only way to be a Mick Rip-Off is to…well, this:

"You want me to give ya a nice cheap Mick Foley rip-off? Like selling out to anyone that is will to give the biggest amount of cash right in front of your face? How about losing every bit of my wrestling ability and becoming a bona fide stunt man. That’s right. Everything Ric Flair said about you, Mick, it’s true…Oh, that’s a fact. Whooooooo!
-
Kurt Angle, 10:02pm

(JG Note: Are they going to bring that up in every Mick Foley interview from this point on? I get it. Flair doesn’t like Mick Foley. Got it. I’ll make a note to remember that when I’m hanging out with Mick Foley, I won’t call Ric Flair to come join us. I promise. Now stop mentioning it.) Cactus avoids all the trash-talking and instead cuts to the chase. Mickey watched Smackdown last Friday and heard that you had issued an open challenge for One Night Stand. Seeing as how Paul Heyman announced that, Dude Love had assumed that it was a lie. K.A. confirms that the challenge is indeed "damn true." Then he gives us this gem:

"Now I know you have your tag match with Dreamer and Funk. But since Mrs. Foley’s baby boy is now Mrs. Foley’s giant, hairy prostitute, after you lose the tag match this Sunday, why don’t you accept my open challenge, make yourself an extra paycheck so I can whoop your ass and break your ankle in two! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lita…speaking of hairy prostitutes, how’r ya doing there?"
 - Kurt Angle, 10:03pm

Nice. Lita, who had run out to Mick during the speech, reacted well to the insult too. Funny stuff. Suddenly, the real truth comes out. You ready for some truth, Kurty? Huh? You want the truth? Well you can’t handle the truth that lurks behind the curtain! Who’s behind the curtain? Well, he’s a guy who holds more victories over you than any guy in WWE. He’s the Rated R Superstar and co-holder of the WWE Hardcore Title. His name is Edge!

Edge Cage arrives and takes his hairy prostitute by the arm. They walk to the ring and give us a trip down memory lane. See Angle’s bald head, everybody? Well, it was Edge that shaved it that way. Yeah. You don’t get it, Kurtis. You think you’re like the Pittsburgh Steelers? You’re more like the Pittsburgh Pirates. Adam says he’s actually more like Willie Stargell. The line sounds confusing until Cope clarifies that he didn’t mean the 1970s all-star Stargell. He meant "the corpse that’s been rotting the ground for the past five years." (JG Note: Wow. I guess they figure that if we’re tuning into a show that has a public butt-kissing as the top selling point, nothing can really be considered offensive to us.) Mr. Gold Medal responds by giving Edge two seconds to explain himself before he gets his ankle sniznapped. For emphasis, he calls him a "blonde haired bitch."

Edgy responds. Listen here, hero. You’re gone. Your time is done. When you signed on to be the #1 ECW Draft Pick, your career ended. Your life is gonna suck! You’re going to be miserable! You won’t fit in. Hell, when you saw ECW the first time, you walked away in disgust. What makes you think this’ll be different. Instead of saying, "Because that was the real ECW and this thing is Velocity with a TV time slot," Angle chooses to stare in silence. Copeland continues on and despite being plagued by an "asshole" chant, makes his point. Kurtis has gone from the "penthouse to the outhouse." You’re jealous. Yeah. Don’t you wish your career was hot like Edge’s? Instead of issuing some stupid "open challenge," A.C. is getting WWE Title shots. You’re done, baldie. You’ll be finished with ECW within weeks!

Angle looks his tormenter in the eye and speaks about the real difference between then and now. The ECW he walked out on was a different product. This time around, Kurt will be the face of Extreme Championship Wrestling. Besides, Edgy, do you know any ECW guys that can do this?

With that, the Olympian lunges at Adam’s ankle and tries to flip him over. Mankind tries to attack, but gets the Angle Slam for his trouble. Free from the Sockman’s wrath, K.A. turns his attention back to Copeland and locks in the anklelock. Before too much damage can be done, Edgar claws his way from the ring and leaves the Anklelocker in the ring alone….until….

Randy Orton comes running from the crowd. He enters the ring, hits Kurt with an RKO, and then stares directly into his face. The crowd reacts big, bigger than any other thing on the show so far, proving that WWE fans are primarily into WWE things. You can ECDub your audience until you're blue in the face. If they paid to see Raw, they’d rather see Orton twirl than get an Extreme history lesson for the tenth time. This segment proved it. Divas, hide your luggage. The Legend Killer hath returned.

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Commercial Break. Uh, Subway? Is it a good idea to get the guy who played "the liar" on Saturday Night Live to endorse your food? Yeah…Subway tastes good. Yeah. That’s the ticket.

During the break, Todd Grisham interviewed Randy Orton on WWE.com. Randy says that it was payback on Angle for putting him on the kayfabed disabled list. You think that was the end of it, Kurt? Nah ah. Orton accepts your open challenge for ECW One Night Stand. It’s on. It’s Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton at the ECW Show! Man, how insane does that sound?

I can’t tell if Lance Cade is really tan or if Trevor Murdoch is really pale. I think it’s a bit of both. Anyway, they’re standing in the ring and someone has given Trevor a microphone. Murdoch says that Kane was lucky in his match a few weeks back, but won’t be lucky again. Tonight he’s facing Trev’s partner - Mr. Lance Cade! Awwwwwww junk! Say your prayers, Big Red Machine! There’s a lower mid-level jobber standing in your way! It’s awn!

4) Lance Cade defeated Kane via Countout

Lance Cade now has jet black hair and resembles Greg Valentine from his Rhythm and Blues days. Unfortunately, the new hair color doesn’t help him in the getting-his-ass-kicked department. In fact, his only savior is the Titan Tron. When it appeared that the Monster had him all but set for the chokeslam, we got another rendition of the Fake Kane May 19th Remix. This time around the voice says, "I’m waiting." The Big Red Machine leaves the ring to go and confront…uh, something or someone. No idea. He heads up the ramp, through the curtain, and takes a Countout. That’s right. Lance Cade beat Kane. Considering that I had forgotten that he still worked for the company, I’d say that’s a pretty impressive feat for Garrison Valentine.

After the bell, Trevor took the microphone and started to scream about the achievements of his Brokeback Buddy. Meanwhile, backstage, Kane was screaming and yelling for the Freakin’ Deacon in the Big Red suit to come and do his damnedest. The Monster demands that the Fake Kane "quit playing games" and insists that he comes out of hiding. After the lights go on and off a few times, unmasked Kane finds himself face-to-face with the masked version of himself again. Just like last week, Kane 2 kicked Kane 1’s Big Red Butt all over the place. Laying on the ground in a heap, shirtless bald Kane rolled around in pain while masked Kane with long sleeves walked away.

Commercial Break. Burger King has the new "Extreme Spicy Tendercrisp." It’s not the original, though. It’s actually Vince McMahon’s new vision of "Extreme Spicy Tendercrisp." It’s like the original, except that it’s not spicy, tender, or crispy.

Vignette for The Highlanders. OK, so this was the first video for Rory and Robbie McAllister, formerly of OVW. They’re Scottish and have a pretty unique gimmick. Picture the Moondogs meet Groundskeeper Willie. That’s their look. Just as I’m watching this video and thinking how the gimmick might have potential, things go horribly wrong. The Highlanders proceed to give us a quick video/photo recap of their wonderful time in America. Yeah. They take pictures with fans and wow at all the sites. It was a cartoonish fish-out-of-water scene that made the two Neanderthal looking brutes come off like Norman the Lunatic and Evad Sullivan on a day pass. Ugh. They haven’t even debuted yet and the gimmick’s already tired. They didn’t even have sardines or a funny dance. Whhhhoaaaaa! Yeahhhhhh! Nooooooo.

5) Johnny Nitro pinned Charlie Haas with a roll-up

How much filler can they fit on this show? Making matters worse, how can Charlie Haas be filler already? Come to think of it…how can Johnny Nitro be filler already? That’s the most amazing thing about this company. Someone can show up suddenly, make an impact, and then find themselves pushed to the bottom of the barrel without warning. What’s the point of getting someone over just to make them start from scratch again? Seems like a waste of TV time. That being said, I think Nitro has a ton of potential and, along with Melina, can really lead the next generation if WWE plays their cards right. He’s not huge by any stretch, but he has a build similar to Edge and it could be enough to carry him through. Unfortunately, being booked like this will only bore people to his character. The silence throughout this one reinforced that. About halfway through, the crowd started to chant "Lillian"  and J.R. explained that she was knocked off the apron at the start of the match and was off receiving medical attention. Sadly, the fans seemed more into Lilly’s slip and fall than into anything else that happened in this match. No matter what either guy did, no one seemed to pop for anything. In the end, it was Miss Melina setting things in motion for the finish. She slid into the ring and distracted Chuckie. With his back turned, Haas was easy prey for a Hennigan roll-up. It’s the first Raw victory for the last Tough Enougher Standing.

Retro Commercial Break.

Back from the break, we see video footage of Lillian Garcia being helped from ringside. Knocked off the apron, Lil is going to receive medical attention. Why doesn’t someone backstage  just giver her some pain kill…uh, umm…Advil?

6) Beth Phoenix pinned Victoria after the Sitdown Slam

Justin Roberts took over for Lillian on microphone duty. All of us hoping for Finkle cried a bit inside. Embracing her non-Trish look, Mickie James now has a Nidia-style hairdo. There wasn’t anything really special about this match (JG Note: Which seems to be the running theme tonight.) Even worse was that there was little of anything to cheer for even if you were into the storyline. From the overdramatic slap to the botched dropkick, things got painful at points. Then, on a roll-up attempt, Victoria grabbed a handful of Beth’s tights and exposed her entire rear-end to the cable-viewing audience. Jerry Lawler called it a "wardrobe malfunction." Even that couldn’t get the people going. When the ending finally came, it seemed out of place and uninspired. Phoenix simply scooped up Miss Vickie and hit her with the Sitdown slam. The undefeated streak of Beth Phoenix continues. It’s a lot like Goldberg’s streak, except for the fact that Bill was a male and people, you know, actually cared about his winning streak. Following the bell, B.P. (the wrestler, not the petroleum) held her mouth in pain. According to WWE.com, she fractured her mandible and will need oral surgery. I’m just glad they didn’t announce that on the air. I could only imagine the material Jerry Lawler would make from "oral surgery."

See No Evil Video Package. I think that if you added the times of all these video packages together, it would be longer than the actual movie.

Backstage, Vince McMahon is forcing his son to look at a picture of his ass. Shane nods in approval over his dad’s alabaster keester. Big Mac waxes nostalgic for the day when Shane-o helped to shove the face of Shawn Michaels into his waiting cheeks. VKM and Little Mac then break into some sketchy talk about things we're not privy to. Vince says he wants to make sure that "the job gets done." His boy assures him that it will be, adding that "we’ll see Triple H in just a few seconds." The Vin Man seems pleased and instructs him to call once "it’s over." Mystery talk aside, Daddy Mac moves on to bigger and better things. He wants to take down his pants and let his only son look at his ass. Yeah. Thankfully, The Boy Wonder declines. However, as he leaves, Vince shouts off to him that he needs to see his "asscial." The chairman repeats the "asscial" punchline word over and over, yet no one in the crowd seems to laugh. I’m sure it was funny when they read it out loud earlier today, Vinnie Mac. I’m sure all the writers laughed real hard at your asscial joke. I’m sure all your assistants did too. I can’t imagine why the audience isn’t. Oh wait. I know. Maybe because they don’t work for you.

Commercial Break. The WWE Dusty Rhodes DVD Set is now available. The way this DVD works is that you go to the store. You buy the DVD. You leave the store thinking that you have it. Then you get home, open the bag, and find out the store reversed the purchase.

We’re back at the broadcast table and take a look back at the start of Raw. We relive the ECW-WWE war. This leads us to Jerry Lawler…and his response to Tazz’s challenge on Smackdown. Jerry delivers a speech similar to the one given by the Human Suplex Machine last Friday. In somewhat of a worked shoot, Jerry tells the Smackdown broadcaster that the only thing "bad" about him is his announcing skills. Mr. J.L. tells us all that the real problem he has with "Extremely Crappy Wrestling" is that they have no rules. Choke people out? Choking is illegal! The King says that without rules, kids would bring guns to school and little people like Tazzy would be allowed to go on big-kid rides. On that note, he accepts the challenge and we have ourselves a match. So besides Angle-Orton on the ECW Show, we have Tazz facing off against the old guy in the king costume. I guess it’s more of that new vision.

Triple H and Shane McMahon are backstage and Hunter’s losing his mind over this situation. God, Shane! Does your old man really think that he’s gonna get the Game to kiss his keester? What’s his problem? Helmsley stomps and stamps around, eventually turning his back to his brother-in-law. Seizing the opportunity, Shane-o grabs Triple’s bottled water and spikes it with… Stephanie’s Evil Preggo Powder ! Yes! It's the same Prehgo Powder she poisoned HBK’s water with. Little Mac tells Hunt to chill out and hands him the spiked bottle of water. They toast and the K.o.K. appears to drink his Preggo Juice. Grinning like Shawn Michaels during a screening of "Wrestling With Shadows," the McSon steps away and calls Daddy on the cell phone. He tells his old man that "it’s cool," but doesn’t realize that behind him Triple H is switching the water bottles! He knew! He knew the whole time! You can’t fool the Game! Yeah! When Uncle Shane turns back ‘round, he’s handed the spiked bottle. HHH makes a toast of his own and the two down their drinks. Uh oh. There goes the mon-ey…

Commercial Break. An all new season of the "Dead Zone" starts on June 18th. Isn’t that what you call a place where you can’t get cell phone reception? That doesn’t sound like a fun show.

I’m an ass-man…Yeah, I’m an ass-man…

It’s time for everybody’s Vince McMahon’s favorite part of the show. It’s the Kiss My Ass Club! Alongside his son Shane, Mr. McMahon addresses the audience straight away. He starts by talking about the types of clubs in the world. (JG Note: Gold’s Club. Golf Club. Turkey Club.) However, his is the most prestigious. His kiss-ass club has a kick-ass clientele. Heck, he’s got Shawn Michaels as a member. It was one of the Boy Toy’s proudest moments. He has Jim Ross as a member too. The camera pans to Jim and Vinnie says that the night was probably better for J.R. than it was for him. Even Vince’s own son Shane-boy was inadvertently inducted into the club. Yes. Many men have rubbed their faces upon Vinnie Mac’s ass and the chairman loved every second of it! As JBL would say, it’s 2006 and we don’t judge. That being said, Mr. McAss announces that there’s a new club member ready for his initiation. He’s the Game. He’s the King of Kings. He’s the American Blueblood. He’s the guy with three consonants for a name. He’s Triple H!

King Helmsley of Gameville steps through the curtain and J.R. says he has sympathy for him. After all, Jimbo knows the horror of kissing Dr. Heiney’s heiney in front of his family. (JG Note: Ironically, Triple H will be doing the same thing. The only difference is that his family is the ass.) In the ring, Vince stops the Sideburns. Look, kid. It’s all about leading by example. It’s all about…wait. Are you high, Hunter? Triple certainly looks a bit woozy. Although we at home saw him switch water bottles, Vince McMahon didn’t. (JG Note: Hence the need for the phone call from Shane. Had he watched the segment on a monitor, he wouldn’t have needed a phone call.) Gameboy starts to stumble and slur his words, all in a ruse to convince the chairman that the Preggo Powder has taken affect. It all leads to a big fake collapse.

Seething, Vince tells the crowd that Hunter needs to kiss his ass. He certainly seems to be ripe for the picking. Apparently the announcers didn’t see the backstage skit either, because they have no idea it’s all an act either. Daddy Mac removes his coat. Makes another failed attempt to get "asscial" over and then removes his pants. Once his pants are around his ankles, Vince did the same Schick he always does about how his butt can do tricks and stuff. Finally, he decides that it’s time to get to the point. Shane-o Insane-o, take the Game-o and stick his lips upon the boss’s bottom.

As luck would have it, the Preggo Powder finally starts to kick in. Little Mac giggles and points to his father’s butt. Since Vinnie’s Mac’s Vinnie back is turned, he can’t see that his son is catching a buzz off the powder. Suddenly, Big Mac is brought into reality when S-Mac falls to the mat beside him.

Then comes the closing moments to the show that wrapped up the entire night. Pantsless, Vince McMahon slowly spun around to see Triple H standing tall. He begged off for a moment, but found himself kicked in the gut. Vince bent over and was hooked into a Pedigree Position. Then in an instant, it was done. Hunter Hearst Helmsley had just pedigreed a thong-wearing Vince McMahon.

Yup.

Hunter stands over his pantsless father-in-law as we fade to black.

All in all…this wasn't a good episode of Raw.

The main angles continue to be ambiguous and confusing while the filler continues to be painfully mundane. It almost seems like nothing on this show is clicking anymore. Considering that just a few weeks ago we seemed to be headed towards exciting stuff, I’d say that tonight was a large step back.

The fans don’t know whether to cheer for John Cena or ECW. What did they decide? They’ll boo everyone. That makes for great TV. People booing everything. That’s not good, right? Isn’t that what you don’t want. Not only that, but I really hope John’s being scripted to come off like a total dork. If not, then someone went wrong somewhere. He has a knack for saying the exact opposite of what would make him look good. Tonight’s speech about being an ECW fan made him appear pathetic. It wasn’t even so much the speech itself. It was the timing of it. When Triple H would tear him apart, Cena would respond by telling him how much he respected his abilities. That was pitiful, but it’s better than doing the same thing with Paul Heyman! For the WWE Champ to be torn down by Heyman only to respond that he’s a fan of ECW is just ridiculous. Other WWE Champions wouldn’t have stood for that. Brock Lesnar would have thrown him across the arena.

Let’s talk about the Triple H thing now. After all, that took up about seven hours out of the broadcast tonight, right? It was such a long road just to get to where they went. I don’t know. I guess Hunter's face turn could work. I just think that the whole Kiss-My-Ass-Club takes away from it. I’m not saying that out of personal taste either. It’s not about me. It’s about the audience. No one likes the stupid ass humor. It’s becoming more and more evident each time it rears it’s ugly head – no pun intended. Vince McMahon needs to wake up and realize that maybe the juvenile humor of a man more than twice the age of the demographic he’s looking to attract may not be best for the company’s well-being. I’m sure that Vince’s humor reaches out to the ever-elusive insane billionaires with weird sexual fetishes demographic, but I’m not too sure about 18-25 year olds.

The Kane-Kane thing made no progress this week. It was one of the only things I was actually looking forward to.

Randy Orton’s return was done pretty well and stood out as the one real highpoint of this show. Sadly, it was only about 15 seconds long. Out of two hours, that’s not so great.

I don’t know. Tonight’s show felt really long. It’s just so messy and poorly put-together. All their eggs are in the ECW basket and I hope that basket doesn’t blow up. The ECW audience is into buying nostalgia, not new visions. It’s even worse when you consider that they’re selling a new product on WWE programming by making it stand against the WWE product. That makes sense. Why would any WWE casual fans support it? Why would they cheer for people who are trying to ruin the shows they enjoy? Why would they cheer for guy who threatens to take away their WWE title and make the ECW title? It’s just insane.

That’s it for me, guys. Be sure to check out this week’s edition of JG’s Radio Free Insanity featuring Ax and Smash of Demolition. It’s the first time in years that the two have appeared on the same show. Also, be sure to check back in the next few days for the announcement about this week’s guest.

Also, check back on Wednesday. Mallory Mahling will have live coverage of the WWE vs. ECW Head to Head Special on the USA Network. Then, Matt Dawgs will follow up with his own recap a few days after. Also, we’ll be having live coverage of One Night Stand as it happens this Sunday. Be there or be square. You don’t want to be square, do you? Of course not. You’d look like a big waffle.

Thanks again to all of you who have checked out World Wrestling Insanity: The Book . Also, thanks to all of you who have checked out the site and the work we’ve all been doing here. We appreciate it. Until next week, be well and thanks for sharing our insanity.

 

 

 

 



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