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JG's 7/11/05 Raw Insanity: Poor Man's Pillman V1

By James Guttman Jul 11, 2018 - 8:07 PM print


Originally Published July 11, 2005


Dear Mr. McDaddy,

I've spoken to the writing team about Brock Lesnar's possible return. They have scripted out a few scenarios for gimmicks and angles. They should meet all of our specifications. Anyone can draw money as the "Next Big Thing." Let's see how he draws with these! ;) lol

Love and Screeches,

Stephanie

PS: Hunter wants me to remind you that he wants to pin Brock over and over again if he returns. Also, he wants me to thank you for the beard comb you got him for a 4th of July present. He loves it!

---

Name: Brock Lee Lesbian

Reason: Our studies have shown that gay women are the least offended of any cross section of our audience. With the recent focus on pissing off Mexicans and Arabs, we seem to have overlooked our gay audience. With the losses of Rico and Goldust, World Wrestling Entertainment needs to go back to what works.

Rationale: Broccoli is nutritious and delicious. When the PC groups bitch and moan, we can say "Shut up, lesbians. He stands for children eating vegetables. How can you be pissed off about that?"

Storyline Concept: Brock debuts on an episode of Monday Night Raw. It occurs during a skit with Eric Bischoff and you, Mr. McMahon. Eric tells Mr. McYou that he has a surprise. He not only has "lesbians." He not only has "bisexual lesbians." No. He has "Brock Lee Lesbian!" Then Brock comes out and some things happen and someone else does something. I'm not sure. We haven't figured out some of the specifics yet. All we know is that you say something about how WCW sucked and blame Eric for being a failure. If possible, we want him to cry during this segment.

---

Name: Brocka Shango

Reason: We still have all this old voodoo gimmick stuff in the warehouse.

Rationale: People like things from 1993 again. Anything old is good.

Storyline Concept: Appears out of a cloud of smoke and chants for Viscera to arrive. When he does, Brocka is anally raped. We repeat this segment every week for the duration of Lesnar's contract.

---

Name: Mr. Brocktato Head

Reason: Because we can.

Rationale: The women get plastic surgery, right? They get tig ol' bitties, right? Well, let's get Brocktune a little surgical enhancement too. How bad does he want his job? Let's find out.

Storyline Concept: Children move his eyes and nose around as he walks to the ring. His finishing move, the French Fry, can be marketed to the people who sell potatoes. You know, the potato salesmen or whatever.

Add-On: We received a fax from Jim Herd suggesting that we also have the surgeon turn him into a hunchback.

---

Name: Kermit Green

Reason: As an add-on to the genius that was "Kerwin White"

Rationale: We thought you'd get a kick out of making Brock the sidekick to a guy we squash weekly. We were going to make him Shannon Moore's sidekick, buy you fired him.

Storyline Concept: Rey Mysterio's secret is revealed to be a secret affair with Miss Piggy four years ago. They did it on Dominic's toy box. That's the secret. Enraged, Brock Lesnar arrives and defends Piggy's honor. Oh, Brock thinks he's Kermit the Frog. We forgot to mention that. So, he gets beat up by both Rey and Eddie and then slapped around by Michael Cole before leaving for Raw and serving Wonder Bread to Kerwin White. Why does he think he's Kermit the Frog? We're not sure yet. Something with Kane and dead people, but we'll figure that out later.

---

Name: Brock Paper Scissors

Reason: One of the writers likes to play Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Rationale: Brock sounds like the word Rock.

Storyline Concept: He gives out memo pads to the children at ringside. He also lets them stick post-it notes on his body. There aren't too many ideas for this one. We gotta be honest, we all were pretty high when we came up with it.

---

Name: SpongeBrock PoopPants

Reason: Again, we like the idea of having him get plastic surgery.

Rationale: The young people like SpongeBob. Also, we've all been really upset over the fact that we can't write poop jokes for John Cena anymore.

Storyline Concept: None yet, but Triple H wrote a theme song for him. It goes like this:

Are you ready, kids?

Aye-aye, Vinnie!

I can't hear you...

Aye-Aye Vinnie!

Oh! Who failed with the football then crawled back to me?

SpongeBrock PoopPants!

Whiny and spoiled and porous is he!

SpongeBrock PoopPants!

If flying your own plane is something you wish...

SpongeBrock PoopPants!

Then step in the ring and F5 this Bitch!

SpongeBrock PoopPants!

Ready?

SpongeBrock PoopPants! SpongeBrock PoopPants! SpongeBrock PoopPants! SpongeBrock PoopPants! SpongeBrock...PoopPants! Ha ha.

 

***

I can't tell you how awesome it would be if they called him Brock Lee Lesbian. Tell you what. WWE - you can use that. I won't ask for any money or anything. Just paint him green and dye his hair vegeatabley and we'll call it even. Speaking of even, will the Hulkster get even with Shawn Michaels for last week's attack? Will John Cena have something for Chris Jericho after their impromptu brawl? Will WWE introduce a man-lesbian that preaches nutrition? Well, eat you greens, save Miss Piggy, and get the tables. It's Monday and Here Comes the Raw!

Last week, Shawn Michaels attacked Hulk Hogan. Hopefully, they's square off in a hair versus hair match. The winner gets to shave the loser's head...and then crazy glue it to his own balding head.

Raw Theme Plays. Word to your mother.

Welcome to Jersey, people. It's time to go down to the ring. Cool? Cool.

Hi Vince. Want to play a little eight ball?

No, Carlito. I have a lot to do right now.

Hoooockkkk....Splat!

What the f**k was that?

I spit in the face of people who don't want to play pool.

It's be cool! You spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool, you nimrod! What the hell is your problem!?!

 

Carlito Cool's Casa Bonita is in full effect and Jim Ross calls it Raw's lightning rod. According to Carlito, there's many reasons to watch Raw nowadays. He, along with his Cabana, is a main reason for that. Take last week's ish with Hollywood Hogan. That was crazy, eh? Well let's bring out the man that done kicked that bad dad in the chin. Shawn Michaels....get out here!

Break the walls down...

Chris Jericho's here and he looks like Ellen Degeneres in a pair of sunglasses. Carly assumes that Chris is here to see how a real show operates (JG Note: Or more appropriately, a fake show within another show). No go, Junior. Y2J+5 tells us all how his Highlight Reel trumped Carlito's Pit last week with his special guest. That's right. Jericho had on the WWE Champ John Cena. So let's clear out the Caribbean motif and do it Jericho style. It's Reel time and Fozzy's guest is Shawn Micahels!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, Canada Dry. Shawn doesn't want to be on your crappy show. He wants to be on Carlito's cool show. Crap or cool? What would you pick? At that point, CC tells Degeneres that he's outdated, boring, and sucks - just like his fake show. Then he makes it personal.

"Look at you. You're a little older, a little sadder, a little fatter. Seriously, you might want to give me that apple back. I mean look at your love handles. Have you seen yourself when you wrestle? They jus pour through your tights. It's a good thing you're covered up. Seriously. Love handles? That's not cool."

- Carlito, 9:08pm

Ouch. This was hilarious. The crowd popped for it actually. Chris then showed how uncool he is by becoming flustered and then blabbering about how he's Chris "Canadian" Cool. (JG Note: Which was weird because we have a VIP member who called himself Cory "Canadian" Cool for a while.) He made up for it by calling Carlito "Sideshow Bob" and mocking his purple pants. He then goes off on a tangent about how HBK isn't interested being on the Cabana. From there, he compares himself to Johnny Carson and Cool to Carson Daily. That's right. HBK wants to be with a true professional, not a tool like you, Lito. So without furthur ado, let's bring out the "man who superkicked the moustache right off of Hogan's kisser"... Shawn Michaels!

Nice skirt, Roddy.

It's called a kilt.

No. That's a skirt.

What? Oh...you're right. How did that happen? I don't remember putting that on. Wow. Get me some coffee, man. I gots to slow down.

 

Roddy Piper's here with his wet hair. Apparently no one is going to interview Shawn Michaels except for Granddaddy Pipes. Ol' Hot Rod promises to get to the bottom of all this tonight. HBK is going to be on Piper's Pit! Yeehaw! How many frigging talk show segments can one show have? Too bad we can't bring in the Snake Pit and the Barber Shop while we're at it. Also, although this was a good segment, it made no sense to have two heels tossing biting insults at each other. Without a babyface, it took away from any reaction that these two could get and left the audience confused at times.

Still to come, Shelton Benjamin challenges Sideshow Carlito for the Intercontinental Title. We lose another Raw Diva Rat. Then Edge faces Kane. What will happen? Don't even think about changing the channel! If you do, we'll know it. John Coachman can read minds. No foolies.

Commercial Break. In the promo for the movie "Devil's Rejects," the announcers says, "They kill randomly." For some reason, I always hear "They killed Brandon Lee." No matter how many times I hear the commercial, I always look up, thinking it's some sort of documentary. Then I realize they said "randomly." Then I feel stupid.

(1) Chris Masters defeated Tajiri with the Masterlock Last week, Tajiri spit green into Chris Masters's face. Apparently Chris was so upset that he wanted this match signed. Thanks, Chris. I guess we've given Masters enough time out of the ring and now it's time to let him suck or shine. My money's on suck. Where's yours? Nothing special here. Luger beat Tajiri with a Masterlock Full Nelson. There's only one question still left unanswered. That question is: When is Tajiri going to get released?

God told Shawn Michaels to drink some coffee, so that's what he's doing backstage. Why did he attack Hulk Hogan? How many lumps does he take in his coffee? The answers to these exciting questions...tonight!

Commercial Break. WWE ad for the The Road Warriors DVD focuses on the fact that it includes footage from the early days. Essentially, they should say, "Pick one up today. It's not just the crappy WWF stuff! See the Roadies before we turned their spiked shoulder pads into fruity little orange jokes"

This Friday, Kane will be at the San Diego Comic Convention. He plans on raping all the women and setting all the men on fire. Don'tcha dare miss it!

Edge and Lita are sitting backstage when their wacky neighbor Gene Snitsky arrives. Apparently, the Feces and his bride are viewing the highlights from their wedding video. Those moments include Gene's speech and the fake Matt Hardy Titantron video. (JG Note: Foreshadowing - check.) Edgy then tells Snitz that he's aware of his feet fetish. To tempt him, he places Lita's feet in his face and encourages the baby killer to whiff away. Tell you what, Gene-o. If you get Edger's back in his showdown with Kane, you can sniff the feet of the woman who's fetus you killed. Sound good? Snitty agrees and Copeland offers him a sample of what's to come. Groaning like a gorilla in heat, Gene opens his mouth and attempts to tongue Miss Amy's toes. Her faux husband puts his hand between the mouth and the foot and, after wiping his saliva-covered hand, tells Snitsky that the sample is off. He'll get his foot-eating after he helps him beat Big Red. Cool? Cool. . (JG Note: He tastes the feet only if Kane tastes defeat. Ah ha ha ha. OK. On that bad joke, let's go down to Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, and the other guy.)

Jim Ross, John Coachman, and the horny guy are talking about Vengeance. It featured Triple H beaten senseless at the hands of Dave Batista. JR warns us that we might want to turn away from the screen (JG Note: Because Hunter's in the video and they're afraid that the fans might fall asleep.) We cut to Trips walking in a bloody heap. Everyone seems convinced that we won't see Triple H for a while. Luckily, we have Hulk Hogan to fill his huge, gaping void. We also have 18 less people to feature on television. Funny how they finally get a chance to center a show around someone besides Helmsley for a while, yet decide to fire a slew of people and bring back a super-pushed 50 year old man to work a semi-regular schedule. Now you know why it's called Raw Insanity.

Still to come: Justin Guarini faces off against the World's Greatest Still Employed Tag Team Member.

Commercial Break. See Fantastic Four - "Only in theaters." Thank God they told me. I would have went to the library or the Laundromat or something.

(2) Shelton Benjamin defeated Intercontinental Champion Carlito via count out They haven't built up this feud well at all. The basic premise is that Shelton is a loser. That's it. Keep that going and we'll all have to pretend that we don't know why Benji isn't "connecting with the audience" in two months. They really scaled him back and it was a mistake to put his feud with Cool on the back burner in order to hype the Cabana. The thing that made Caribbean's issue with John Cena on Smackdown so exciting is that it became a serious issue. This issue seems less meaningful and has done nothing more than scale back any progress they were making with Benjamin. Keep in mind, I'm not saying that Shelly should be put over Carly. I'm saying that they shouldn't make him seem like an afterthought on a show that he should have a more pronounced role in. You can put Triple C over without burying the former Champ in the process. At one point, the announcing gets weird when Ross begins to talk about the background of Carlito because, according to him, no one else did their homework. (JG Note: I would imagine that Jerry Lawler's "homework" would involve dirty magazines and a van with no windows.) While Coachman and Gerald banter about hairstyles, JR calls the action and plays not just the straight man, but the hates-the-other-two man. This leads to Coach being fed lines through his headset to annoy Ross. He mocks Jim's speaking style and tells him to diversify use of the word "that." It's a pretty insulting thing to say to a broadcaster. Saying "that" might not be hip, but neither is having big puffy JFK hair. That doesn't stop Vince McMahon. The whole thing ended with Coolio intentionally taking a count out loss in order to keep his title. Not sure how I feel about this one. I get the reason. I understand why it ended like this. I just don't know if it was a great idea to end a match that lasted as long as this one did with a screwy ending. If he was going to run, he should done it earlier and saved everyone a boatload of time.

John Cena and Eric Bischoff are arguing backstage. What's it all about? No one knows and the announcers are in the dark about it too. Cena eventually leaves and EB shouts off in the distance. Maybe Eric's mad because he realizes that it's 2005 and he's working for Vince McMahon. Maybe John's mad because no one can see him. It must be like an episode of the Twilight Zone. "Why can't anyone see me?! Why?! Why?!" Submitted for your approval, one John Cena...

Commercial Break. M & M's Amazing - Are you? Actually, no. No, M & Ms, I'm not amazing. Thanks for rubbing it in, jerks.

...a man in a world of camouflage. Unable to be seen by anyone. Now he's the Doctor of Thuganomics, with a PHD from...the Twilight Zone.

John Cena is in the hizzle and he's off the hizzle, fo shizzle. He calls out to his New Jersey Chain Gang and encourages them to do the hokey pokey and a Texas Two Step. Really. That happens. He said "hokey pokey." Weird. Just when you start to forget the goofiness, it starts to sneak back in. Sadly, it's all downhill from there.

He says that Eric Bischoff is "up my ass" and then does a terrible impression of him. He basically does the high-pitched nasally dork voice and says, "You're a bad champion." Well to that, Cena says "Get out my face, man. You sound like my mother from junior high." Why John had a different mother for junior high than he did for the rest of his life is never explained.

Then he's got "Y2Cheap," which he's still calling Chris Jericho even though it's the lamest thing he could possibly come up with. After fumbling over his words, C-Man says that he turned the Highlight Reel into the Jerry Springer Show last week. Bring it on, Y2Cheap. "This is the Chain Gang and we solve problems." (JG Note: Huh? Is that what the Chain Gang does? What are they, like detectives?) Now Chris Jericho, cue your ish up and get your love handles out here!

OK Mr. Bischoff, we have a lot of DVDs to shoot for today, so you have a lot to cover in these interviews. You ready for the rundown?

Shoot.

OK. First you admit to being the reason that ECW died. Then we blame you for Ric Flair going crazy. After that, you take the blame for Bret Hart getting screwed. Then you say you're sorry for ruining Marvin Hershenstein's bah mitzvah. That one's gonna be for a friend of the McMahon family for his bah mitzvah. Sort of a video greeting card. We thought it would be cute. Then we blame you for Chandra Levy, the War in Iraq, Ashlee Simpson...

 

Uncle Fuzzy Eric Bischoff is here and he's pissed at the WWE Champion. He goes off and orders him to look in his eyes. With that, John does the tired old "You got whatever-thousand people calling you an asshole" thing. That's fine, Champ. Bisch hears it. That doesn't change the fact that you defend that title when and where Easy E says to. You had a chance to join Team Bischy when you first arrived, but you didn't go for it. Now you pay. Johnny takes offense and tries to intimidate the GM. You don't step to Dr. Thuggypants like that in "dirty Jersey." You ever come at him with that tone again, you're gonna get "dirty." Ugh. It should be noted that John Cena has officially begun his downward spiral...again.

Cue Ellen Degeneres.

You mean Y2Cheap?

Yeah.

 

Chris Jericho arrives and it's time to brawl. Eric encourages Chris to sit back and wait his time. Rather than coming to get some now, you can get a title match against John...at Summerslam! Bischoff screams it out and the audience reacts by quietly booing. That's a bad sign. Granted, they always boo matches that won't be taking place later in the night. However, they should react better than this. This was more than disinterest over having to wait. This was a genuine "so what" response.

The Cheapster thanks Sleazy E and then promises to take the World Title from the "disgrace" John Cena. You may call Chris "cheap," but you're the cheap one according to the King of Bling Bling. You aren't befitting a champion, Dr. Thug. You're nothing but a...uh, thug. You're a low down thug! The thug responds that he's a thug because he's down with his "peoples." At this point, I start to get a headache. I can't remember a feud more generic and meaningless than this one. Talk about a conflict based on nothing.

Oh, hold on. Here's the best part. CJ went off on a rant and JC chimed in to finish it off with a statement meant to mock him. I say "meant to" because I'm sure that was the intention, although it didn't work.

"...and I'm gonna make so much money that I'm gonna buy me a mansion in Cheap Land where the Cheap Sauce flows like wine! Get off yourself, homey. Get off your own ----"

- John Cena, 10:05pm

No one reacts to this. This sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks. I left out the last word of the statement because it was censored and I wasn't sure if he said "dick" or "nuts." Maybe it was dutz, although that's not a word. Either way, no one cared. I hope they get Cena back on track soon. He comes off really desperate in these segments. We finished things off with the Doc challenging the Cheapyhead to a fight and being denied. Fozzyface will wait until Summerslam to punk out your butt, toolbox. On that note, Chris leaves and John Cena watches him.

Sadly, this segment isn't over. Instead Eric Bischoff finds himself stuck in the ring with the Thuganomitrist and ends up on the receiving end of the F-U. After smashing the GM, Cena says "Welcome to the new Raw, bitch." Bah. This was cheap.

Speaking of cheap, the Raw Diva Search is next. I can't believe this is a wrestling show. It's as if no one played baseball during a baseball game.

Commercial Break. I love the commercial where the guy kills a mariachi band by eating Starburst. That's it. No wise ass comment. I think it's funny. What? I gotta hate everything?

It's Raw Diva Search time and Alexis has been cut. I'll give you all a moment to say a prayer and cry. I know it must be traumatic.

After Alexis bounces, Christy Hemme tells each girl to come do their special talent.

Ashly: Isn't here to sing or dance like American Idol. She's here to wrestle. With that, she runs into Hemme and takes her down with a monkey flip. The crowd doesn't know how to react because, on this show, monkey flips aren't supposed to be fake. They're supposed to hurt. The funny thing is that a move like that is more about the person taking the bump than the person doing the move. I'm not trying to sound smart. Anyone who sees the move can figure that out. Confused, Christy sort of sells it and then gets up to walk back to the corner. The audience boos quietly...again.

Leyla: Nip Slip McGhee calls out Earl Hebner for a lap dance. After all, he's the one that covered up her boobs with a towel last week. When Heb came out, she promptly punches him in the jewels. Right. This girl's a total plant. Once more, we get some quiet booing.

Summer: She does two backflips and then a split. Then she does it again and again. She was the best so far. I figured her talent was going to be that she'd take on Pedro Sanchez in the School Elections. Gosh!

Crystal: She has a fake mustache on, which is an immediate turn-off. Speaking in a bad French accent, she offers to do a self portrait. That basically means that she strips off her clothes and pours paint on her body before flopping onto a piece of paper. Her parents will be bragging at the church social tomorrow.

Elizabeth: Liz says that we're all arrested and then does a strip tease in a police hat. Jerry Lawler said that he could be arrested for what he's thinking. (JG Note: That's pretty scary. What must he be thinking? Sex between consenting adults isn't illegal. Maybe he's daydreaming about strangling her.) Her dance ends by spanking Christy. Hemme should be a big red light to would-be divas. Do these girls realize that if they win, they'll be doing stupid things like hosting next year's Raw Diva Search?

Simona: She doesn't have any talent. She has fantasies. She's always dreamed about being a warrior chick and defending herself against mean and evil men. She then takes out a sword and dances around the Coach with it. Some defense. If I was the evil man and she came out me with a sword, the second she stopped walking and held the thing above her head while gyrating, I'd knock her out. Keep your hands up, Simona.

Cameron: Cammy does the Hot For Teacher gimmick to Christy. It was like the "Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo" video with Mean Gene. JR says that Cameron goes to Florida State. Ron Simmons went there too. I know that because Jim would say it every time he wrestled.

With that, we're done. Who do you want to move on? Who do you want to see go home? Who's gonna ride your wild horses? Who's on first? Who's the boss? Who gives a flying f...hey, let's go to the commercials!

Commercial Break. Watch "Hogan Knows Best." In a special promotion in conjunction with VH1, the Hulkster is offering his daughter to the first 2000 viewers.

Time for Kurt Angle to cut corners on Raw too. It's Raw Version of the Kurt Angle invitational! That's right. Instead of wrestling matches, he's going to wrestle squashes. I'm not complaining. At least it's wrestling. With the same rules as Rodney Mack's "White Boy Challenge," the hometown boy challengs Kurt and has three minutes to last in the ring. If he wins, he wins Angle's gold medals.

How Matt Striker Got Caught

OK, class. Tonight for homework, I want you all to do pages 13 to 27, review the last two chapters, and write me a wrestling promo in Japanese. Class dismissed.

Yup. Matt Striker, the New York teacher who was fired for using sick days to wrestle, has arrived and Kurt recognizes him right away. He calls him a liar and offers the teacher three minutes of pain.

(3) Kurt Angle forced Matt Striker to submit with one second left in the three minute Kurt Angle Invitational Holy God, this is the first match in like an hour. As it starts, Lawler tells the story about Striker lying to school officials. Coachman agrees that it was wrong, but Ross does not. JR says that it proves Matt had "passion." Look, I hate to be a jerk, but I absolutely hate this argument. Know what? Some people have passion for teaching. If it was a wrestler no-showing house shows to tutor kids, we'd all be on his ass forever. This guy was wrong. That's it. How come other teachers could go on to become wrestlers without causing headlines for lying? Is there something particularly special about Spike Dudley and Shane Douglas that I don't know about? This thing had a good ending, although it veered into the unbelievable realm. With one second left, Angle forced Professor Absent to tap to the Ankle Lock. There's the bell. What do you have next period? Lunch? Oh. Yeah, I have class in Japan. See you in a few days.

Kane's walking backstage and the new Mark Loyd, Todd Grisham, stops him. He asks for the Monster's thoughts and is met by a huge amount of demonic laughter. I wonder why he's laughing. He must catch all of Todd's wacky hijacks on WWE Experience. Oh that Grishy. What a funny little lady.

Somewhere else in the arena, Edge is walking with Lita. Suddenly he's jumped...by Matt Hardy. Lita starts screaming and Matt pummels until John Laurinaitis of all people runs him off. Adam and Amy freak out and I'm just happy that we can all stop paying attention to those ridiculous rambling whiny internet tirades he does. It was real at first. Now it's not. Let's all stop paying attention to him now. OK?

Commercial Break. They killed Brandon Lee. See? It happened again.

(4) Kane defeated Edge via disqualification With Matt Hardy's unplanned and unexpected attack - that just happened to take place two seconds after the camera started following Edge and Lita - the night has now taken a different turn. Most importantly, there's now no reason to care about this match. This whole time, Kane has been playing the role of Matt Hardy. Now that Hardy's back, he has nothing left to be. What's he gonna be now? Kane? That sucks. Who wants to be Kane? The announcers make special care to not mention Version Work's return. It's as if WWE expects to genuinely fool people with all this. How insulting can they get? Even if you don't read the internet, you can't think that was real. Situation's like this are interesting because you truly find the lowest common denominator - its anyone who thinks that attack was legit. This match was pretty nondescript and ended with a Gene Snitsky attack that caused a DQ loss for Mr. Money in the Bank.

After the bell, Snitz and Red brawled through the crowd, leaving Edge to be attacked by a barrier-jumping Matt Hardy. (JG Note: I feel like any time two of the three people brawl through the crowd, the remaining person in the ring gets attacked. ) Matty jumps the Feces and security comes chasing after. There's a pull apart and the announce table goes silent. Now it's time for the Sensei of Mattitude to play message board...only with a microphone!

"Adam, you bastard, I'm going to make your life miserable. And Lita, you whore, I'm going to make your life miserable too. And the WWE can kiss my ass!"

- Matt Hardy, 10:46pm

Although a bit awkward, at least this made Matt look good...for about a second. As soon as he was done, a security guard grabbed him and physically restrained him all by himself. After that, Johnny Ace arrived with uniformed fake security and they handcuffed the Hardy Boy. It's hard to comprehend how WWE is trying to present this whole thing as a shoot, yet has no explanation for why the cameras stay on for the whole thing. Also, for some reason Matt looks really pasty. He's starting to resemble the old Elvis.

Commercial Break. There's an ad for Fantastic Four - the Video Game. Earlier they said that Fantastic Four was only in theaters. Now they say it's on PS2? Make up your minds and quit screwing with me!

(Tonight the role of Roddy Piper will be played by Rip Torn)

It's Pit Time. Roddy Piper has wet hair. Wethead intros "The Man With The Answers" Shawn Michaels.

Talk about a letdown. Shawn is here to tell it all about his attack on the Hulkster last week. What follows is a predictable speech about how HBK has given his soul to all of us. Look,Kid Heartbreak was the one who wanted "one more match" from Double H. He just never happened to mention that he wanted that last match to be at Summerslam...and he wanted to be Hulk's opponent. How about, Hoagie? You and Shawn at the pay show. Is it a go, Rip? Do you have what it takes, Jock Ass?

Then Roddy Piper chimed in. You know, back when you were just a little Boy Toy Rocker Fruitcake, you'd come to his Pipership with questions. Hours, Shawn! Roddy spent hours with you. Why? Cause you were worth it. You had talent, Michaels. With that, Rod's voice cracks and the audience applauds. (JG Note: Yes. Rowdy Roddy Piper has outdone the WWE Champion in terms of crowd reaction and promo delivery tonight. Choke on that.) Tell us the real reason, Shawny. You know why! You know why! You're a coward!

Click. Click. Click. Boom!

A superkick silences the Piper and the crowd showers Ben Franklin with boos. The Hot Scot lays unconscious while we fade to black.

All in all... Not terrible, but not great. I wasn't too into this show for a couple of reasons.

The Chris Jericho-John Cena segment was awful. I don't mean a little awful. I mean awful with a capital "crap." The worst part is that John gets more emotional the more the crowd ignores him. It comes off desperate and sad. Bad stuff. Terrible stuff. They better fix this soon. Then again, Triple H should be back soon. If, let's say, John isn't all that popular when Hunter returns, he could always job the strap to the Game. I'm just saying. Just a thought. I know it probably won't happen, but it might. I'm sure Trips won't have to save Raw by taking the belt. I'm sure John will do just fine. Come on. This Cheap Craze could sweep the nation. Line up and get your Cheap Hats today.

Matt Hardy...whatever. I wasn't into this, either. I didn't like it because it's something that WWE stopped doing years ago and for good reason. Worked shoots don't work. Everything on TV is a work. That's that. With World Wrestling Entertainment taking these real life situations and making them fake TV angles, it takes the steam out of them. While it's interesting to see the real life former friends fighting, it's sure to wear off after we all get used to it. When all is said and done, it's Matt Hardy versus Edge. That's it. After two weeks of them working for the same company, the novelty will drop off significantly. It'll feel less real and more like reality as written by the people who brought you Viscera's hot dog fetish.

By the way, I never thought I'd say this, but I liked Teddy Hart's working-the-net-crowd gimmick much better.

Matt Striker comes to Raw. While I'm not a fan of what Striker did by a long shot, it was a good move on WWE's part to capitalize on his 15 minutes.

So Shawn Michaels is sort of a heel, but not really. I like how Michaels called himself an "icon" but left out the phrase "that can still go" after it. In the late 90s, Shawn would say that in reference to WCW's Piper-Hogan feud. Now he's involved in a program with both of them...and it's like eight years later. For those keeping score, that's eight years after WWE said Hulk could no longer "go." It's also eight years after they came down on WCW for booking Hogan-Piper on pay per view. It's also about two years since WWE booked that match on one of its own pay-per-view. It's called talking out of both sides of your mouth. Enjoy Summerslam!

I should have some exciting things to talk about in the next few weeks, so keep an eye out for that too. Also, keep an eye out in general. You never know when Matt Hardy is going to run into your living room and freak out. Be well. Thanks for reading.



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