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JG's 7/12/04 Raw Insanity: Kane's a Woman

By James Guttman Jul 12, 2018 - 8:15 AM print


Originally Published July 12, 2014



Vince McMahon:
Johnny Ace, you Dynamic Dude you, I can't fathom what the heck is going on here. We're pushing Edge through the roof as a hero, but the fans are booing him out of the building. Vengeance, House Shows, what's the deal? What's happening? We schedule these autograph signings for him before each show, but they still boo him. It doesn't make sense. Do we need to update his look?

Johnny Ace: Actually, Vince, it's something else. That why I had you meet me in the back of the room for his autograph signing today. Check this out.

Building Manager: Everyone, put your hands together for WWE Superstar Edge!

Applause

Edge: Thanks for coming everybody. I've blocked out plenty of time to sign autographs here today. When I'm done, I'm going to go and do all your mothers too. Now line up, bitches.

Vince: Did he just say…?

Ace: Shhh. Keep watching.

Edge: First mark. Hi, little boy. What's your name?

Billy: Billy.

Edge: Wow, Billy. You totally reek…

Billy: (excited) Of Awesomeness?

Edge: Awesomeness? No. You just reek, you dirty little bastard. Don't stand up wind from me, Stinky. OK, you want an autograph? Here. (Reading aloud as he writes) To Smelly Ass Billy. Drop out of school and kill yourself. Your hero, Edge. Next!

(Billy walks off crying)

Female Fan: Hi Edge. I'm a huge fan.

Edge: Damn right you're huge, girl. Damn. When you walked up I was like "Who let Viscera into this place?" I was ready to put a saddle on your shoulders and ride you around the room. Suey! Suey!

Vince: Holy crap.

John Layfield walks by

Edge: (raising one hand in the air) JBL! Yo hoo JBL! Wait up. Oh man, you're so far away, I'll have to take great big steps to get to you.

With one hand stretched out, Edge goosesteps across the room. Two people faint.

Bob: Excuse me, Mr. Copeland, I was next on line.

Lance Storm runs into the room

Lance Storm: Copeland?! Who said Copeland!? Who used the real name!?

Edge: Let's get him!

Both Storm and Edge savagely pummel Bob to death. When finished, they begin to eat the remains

Edge: I am God! God!

Vince: I can't believe this is happening. Am I on a hidden camera show?

Joe: Oh wow. Uh, Mr…Edge, can my son and I just get a quick picture with you before you devour that dead body?

Edge: Sure. Come on over. Tell you what, I'll give you a good picture. I'll whip my junk out.

Joe: Uh, you don't have to do that. Seriously, please, you don't need to do that.

Edge: Sorry. It comes with the domain. You want a picture with me, I have to whip my junk out. Now deal.

Joe and his son take a very uncomfortable photo

Edge: OK, you're welcome. Now everybody, I want to thank you all for coming out. Before I leave, I'm just going to go ahead and club this baby seal to death. And…here we go.

Edge takes out a baby seal with a baseball bat

Edge: I'm Edge, bitch!

e1.gif

Edge runs off. Vince McMahon goes nuts and begins plans to put Edge on Heat or give him the Smackdown World Title, whichever is worse.

Outside the building, Lance Storm and Edge meet up and take off masks, revealing themselves to be Randy Orton and Triple H respectively.

 

 

Triple H: Hey, it's hard work pretending to be Canadian. That was fun though.

Randy Orton: You're definitely getting more creative, I'll give you that.

Triple H: Damn straight. Now hurry up and put your Shelton Benjamin costume on. We have to set fire to the orphanage in half an hour.

e2.gif


 

Please go back and reread the opening if you plan to send me an e-mail asking why I was so mean to Edge. Speaking of mean, that was a mean main event last night, huh? It left us with so many questions heading into night's episode of Raw. Will Triple H take out his aggression-uh on Eugene for his role in Chris Benoit's victory? Can Matt Hardy harness his hatred for the Big Red Sperm Donor Kane and once again reign supreme? Does Batista have what it takes to take the Intercontinental Title from Edge? What part will Randy Orton play in this conflict? What part will Bob Orton play in this conflict? What part will Bob Barker play in this conflict? Who knows. I do. Raw's over and I watched it. Listen close and I'll tell you all about it. Once upon a time, in a land far away…OK, actually it was New Hampshire, but you get the idea…

July 12, 2004...Manchester, New Hampshire

Last night was a rough night in the valley of Hunter. Evolution's consistent thrashing was all a direct result of Eugene Dinsmore. Ric Flair was embarrassed last night. He lost his pride! Gene booked the match between Randy Orton and Edge last night. Randy lost his title! Triple H calls for silence. No one has lost more than the Game. He lost his chance to reclaim the World Title. That's leaps and bounds above chump change like the Intercontinental Title or Ric Flair's pride. Now buck up, kids. As soon as Eugene walks in that door, you're all going to follow the leader and do as Trips does. Eugene shows up and they all circle him. He tosses out apologies for his role in last night's Evolutionary debacle and is met with cold stares from Orton and Tista. Helmsley then shocks his co-horts by smiling and declaring that all is OK by him. In fact, no one's mad at you, Gene-o. Sure Randy and Davey B are shooting you cold glares, but don't sweat it. Things are just peachy between you and the Evolvers. Someone is mad at you. That person's your Uncle Eric Bischoff. Now he wants to see you in his office right now. After Dinsmore leaves to face the music, the Evolutionaires ask H about his strange actions. The Game tells them to wait and see what Eric Bischoff has in store for him. (JG Note: Tequila and reality TV proposals?)

Raw Theme Plays. Julie Chen explains this season's twist, entitled "Project DNA." It will be revealed that A-Train and Gail Kim are half-brother and sister.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are kickin' it live in Manchester and tonight we'll see a Special Highlight Reel. The guests will be Lita…and Kane! Will someone get set on fire? Impregnated? Killed in a car accident and then sexually assaulted? Stay tuned folks. With the Big Red Machine, you never really know!

(1) Intercontinental Champion Edge pinned Batista with a hand on the ropes for leverage The only rational reason that Edge could have been given the IC Title last night is that there's some sort of change in his future. The Raw Insanity Opening Skit was meant to be a joke. The real reason that Edge isn't over is because his character has remained stagnant for a very long time. With little development since ending his partnership with pretend brother Christian, the Edgeman doesn't have the type of big-win background to simply skate on name recognition. We get some back and forth action for a while. The table appears to be on the verge of turning when Randy Orton walks to ringside. What will happen? Don't ya dare go away…or else Jim Ross will have to do something to you that he'll be sorry for.

Commercial Break. According to this commercial, Spiderman 2 is the Game. Hunter, you got some splainin' to do.

During the break, Randy Orton was thrown out of ringside. As a whole, this one wasn't off the charts amazing, but it was a good way to start the show. It went a bit long, but didn't do any harm either way. The finish was the best part with Edge rolling Tista up and then holding the ropes for leverage. It wasn't so much a tainted victory as much as it appeared to be some sort of foreshadowing on future changes in the stale Canadian. Hopefully this is the start of an angrier and more aggressive E-Man. I'm Edge, bitch!

Backstage, Eugene Dinsmore is fixing to enter the office of Uncle Eric Bischoff. Inside, Sleazy E appears to be upset. He can barely look his nephew in the eyes. Eugene questions whether Bisch is angry or not, to which Eric responds that he's mad as hell! He's mad as hell that people are blaming Eugene for Benoit's win last night. What, what, what? Eric tells Gene that he's been proud of him. He's been proud of Dinsmore's accomplishments and the innovative things he did during his stint as interim GM last week, like the game of Musical Chairs. (JG Note: This is the same guy that thought airing "the Eric Bischoff Show" in the back of Nitro complete with stolen Jay Leno monologues, that no one realized were stolen and just thought were lame, was an innovative concept.) As a reward for your great work, Bischy's booking a match between you and Chris Benoit! Not just that, Trucker Gene, but it's also for the World Title! Dinsy is thrilled. Bischoff refers to the night as "special" and then hugs his nephew. Working with someone like Eugene, makes Eric nostalgic for the days he spent with DDP.

Commercial Break. Welcome to Crazy World. You know what's really crazy? That there's commercials trying to sell me on the fact that I shouldn't buy something else that's for sale. The Real Truth is that Big Tobacco aren't the only ones to make money off of tobacco. Welcome to Crazy World.

Jerry Lawler interviews a Raw Diva Hopeful that was in Dodge Ball. This segment was so ridiculous. I can't comprehend who would consider this brain-dead interview with a nameless quasi-reality show star to be of interest to anyone. Lawler was at his worst and we all watched Candace Michelle touch her nose with her tongue. Candace was like the drunk girl at the bar that shows off little

"tricks" while guys stand around and watch, only on a much larger scale. Very strange, but mostly very boring. Boo!

That's Ric Flair! Whooo! That's Ric Flair! He's backstage with Dennis the Menace's Dad, Todd Grisham, and he's hopping mad. Eugene embarrassed the Nature Boy last night. He stole all of Slick Ric's moves. It was downright horrible. With a new book being released, he shouldn't be treated as a comedy act….

Did somebody say comedy act?

Citizen Flair, the little man with green hair, Hurricane Helms, is in the house. He has a copy of your book and he'd love an autograph. Ric is incredulous. How dare you approach the greatest wrestler alive while you're dressed like that? You are someone that is a blight on the business and stands against everything that Naitch has worked to avoid. Your name is Gregory Helms. You're playing a comedy act. You have the same job as Flair himself, except you've done absolutely nothing with it. The Dirtiest Player in Triple H declares that he became a legend while Helms did squat. He then tells Cane that if he were him he'd be "Bingo, Zingo, Gone. Whooo." For some reason that cracks me up. Hurricane takes it all in and responds…

"Fine. Don't sign my book. You know what? I'm not even that upset about it. I mean, it was good, but it wasn't as good as the Rock's book. It wasn't as good as Hulk Hogan's book. You know Chyna, now she had a good book . Besides, it's not number one like Mick Foley's book was."

- Hurricane Helms, 9:35pm

Ric leans back and knocks that Great Gazoo to the ground. I can't believe they said Hogan's book, although the Foley comment just cements any thoughts that this one will become a worked match eventually. That's big picture, though. Small picture saw Naitch knock out Hurricane and stand over him, proclaiming that he will teach him things that he would never, ever, read about in that book! (JG Note: Fly fishing? Thermo-nuclear physics? Cookie baking?) Match is set and Ric takes off. Bingo. Zingo. Gone!

Commercial Break. I-Robot. That's great. I-Not Going To See That Movie.

Sylvan Grenier and Rob Conway stand center ring and have not learned a damn thing from Nikolai Vollkoff because they prepare to sing their national anthem…

Rhyno, Tajiri, we were looking to give you guys a tag team name. We want to go for something truthful. How about "The Two People We Had No Other Ideas For?"

(2) Rhyno pinned Rob Conway after a Gore Blah. Seriously, blah. The bottom line here was to solidify Tajiri and Ryhno as a real team, rather than Bob Holly/Billy Gunn-esque thrown together team, which is what they are. In the end it's progress somewhat. Rhyno and Yoshi weren't up to much and the show needed a baby face team. That part's ok. This match wasn't much to care about, though. Same old, same old. The Man-Beast hits the Gore on Robert' to score the win. After the match, Rhyno and Tajiri hugged, which was kind of weird. They don't really seem like huggy-types.

Commercial Break. Advertisement airs for Red Dead Revolver . Lita got that a few a weeks ago and no, she doesn't own a game console. Wink wink.

Well, Trish, the tattoos I got because I always liked art. The goatee is an homage to the greatest human being to walk the planet, Jim Neidhart. I model my whole life after the ways of the Great Anvil. Everything the Jim says is pure energy. He fills are souls with hope and wonder. All hail the Jim. All hail the Jim. I'll tell you more about his teachings after this match. Let's go.

Tyson Tomko hits the ring with Miss Trish Stratus and they await his challenger.

Nidia, Maven, we were looking to give you guys a team name. We have a great one that Tajiri and Rhyno turned down earlier…

(3) Tyson Tomko pinned Maven after a boot to the face What do you want me to tell you? This was Maven versus Tyson Tomko. Picture it in your head. That's what it was. I guess the answer to Nidia right now is to rewind her and Maven three years and put them back into Tough Enough youngster roles. The finish saw Stratus try to jump on the apron and be pulled down by Nidia. While all this was going on, Tyson whipped Maven in to the ropes and bounced his boot off of his face. 1,2,3. Deep stuff. Blah.

Backstage Chris Benoit is getting ready when Lord William Regal approaches. Listen, Benny, Regal doesn't care what you think of him, but you have to love Eugene. That little window licker has no evil intents. It's all Hunter corrupting him. Listen up, Willie. Chris Benoit experiences that thing that you hu-mans call e-mo-tions. He likes Mean Gene too. That has nothing to do with the World Title though. The Crippler vows to do "anything it takes" to retain his gold.

Commercial Break. Do you think that dog in the Castrol GTX is an omen of things to come? Maybe he's not alone. Maybe all dogs are secretly planning to claim the Earth one truck at a time. The end is near.

Chris Jericho is live on the Highlight Reel and he's accomplished many things in his career. He mentions the Undisputed Title win among others. (JG Note: Everytime Chris Jericho declares his past accomplishments, it shines a light on how little he's doing now.) The Highlight of his Nights was last week, though. He became the Muscial Chairs champion! Booyah! Way to reach for the stars, Fozzy. Let's get the guests out here. Starting with the Big Red Baby Making Machine, Kane!

The Monster hath arrived and he's not happy. Kane has some serious issues with last night's pay-per-view. Lita may be carrying his baby, but she has no right to cost him a match. That's just not happening on Kane-o's Big Red Watch. Get your butt out here now!

Lita brings her butt out here and Kane tells her that people suffer when he gets angry. Do you have any idea what Kane can do? Leets cuts him off and tells him that he's doing absolutely nothing. Miss Amy made her errors, but she's suffering. She's suffering every day with the notion that she might be knocked up by the monster that she despises. Suffering is losing Matt Hardy. Suffering is not knowing her baby daddy. From now on, Lita vows that she will do what she wants, when she wants. She caps things off with a deeply emotional declaration that Kane is a "sick son-of-a-bitch." The Monster responds that he will do nothing to her, but he will do bad things to Matt. Hardy will not see your baby's birth. According to Dr. Kane, he can make life and he can take it. Unfortunately, Lita isn't scared of stuff like that anymore. She's not scared of you anymore. After last night, she knows that Matt can fight his own battles. She also knows that Kane couldn't be the baby's father, because he's not the man that Hardy is. She tosses the microphone and leaves. (JG Note: This segment wasn't all that good. People will point to the pop Lita got at the end, but it was only because fans assumed that she had some sort of DNA thing when she declared to know the baby's father. It was a pop under false pretenses. Other than that, this segment, to me, was cheesy as hell. There's just something not believable about Lita's performances and the fact that this entire angle centers on her makes things worse.)

After Miss Dumas takes off, Kane goes buck. He tosses a chair and goes after the Geritol 5000 monitor. Sensing danger for his expensive equipment, Y2J+4 tries to pull the monster off of it. Kane pushes him down and leaves the ring. A camera follows while Jericho picks up the house mic and calls Kane out…big time.

"Come on back, Kane. You don't have to leave so soon. You don't have to leave so prematurely. Oh then again, from what I hear, you do a lot of things prematurely. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I got ya, huh? Let's face it, Kane. You just got punked out by Lita. You just got punked out by a chick. It's obvious who wears the pants in your relationship, Kane. Hey Lawler, you can cancel this Raw Diva Search cause we have ourselves a winner. The biggest Diva in the whole WWE is you, Kane! Look at your qualifications: seven feet tall, bald, ugly, gap-toothed, lazy-eyed, and most important of all, like every Diva in the back, you ain't got a set of balls down there!"

- Chris Jericho, 10:08pm

Kane returns to the ring in hopes of killing Chris Jericho. It's the hairless, ball-less machine versus '80s hair - next!

Commercial Break. Wow. Glad to see that Subway found a way to come out with an even more annoying commercial.

(4) Chris Jericho defeated Kane via disqualification This one was the standard Kane-Jericho match. The monster dished out the offense while Y2J played the role of occasionally successful underdog. Other than that, this one wasn't really done to serve any purpose. It was a way to get a match out of Kane outside of his confrontation with Momma Leets and fill some time. That it did - fill time. The match itself was alright, but with no real reason to care about this other than a few testicle jokes, what was the point? Bald Bull hit his Canadian foe with a low blow to earn the DQ loss, but the last laugh was for the Lita Banger. He got revenge by choke slamming both Jericho and the referee at the same time.

Remember that ridiculous prolonged Diva Search Contestant interview Jerry Lawler did earlier? They did it again with another contestant. This one was annoying and did a pretty weak stripper dance to a chorus of boos.

(5) Ric Flair defeated Hurricane via Figure Four Leglock Submission Flair's ear started bleeding in the first minute or so and just kept bleeding throughout the match. Both Good Ol' J.R. and I couldn't figure out what happened exactly. I'm fairly sure that it was at the point when he was taking the patented run into the turnbuckle, flip over and onto the apron spot. As he flipped up the post, he looks at though he clipped his ear on the second turnbuckle. He bled the rest of the match. It looked like the episode of Tales From the Crypt where the guy shoved pencils into his ears to stop Sam Kinison's voice in his head. I wonder what voices go through Ric Flair's head. (JG Note: Ric, this is your mind speaking. Show people your wiener. Do it. They want to see it. Show them.) All that "you're Greg Helms" stuff doesn't mean a hill of beans. Slick Ric puts the forgotten crime fighter out of his misery with a Figure Four. Suga Shane submits and Ric returns to the back where he can bleed in peace. Hurricane should bring a giant shark to the ring with him and right before he getting into the ring - he should jump over it.

Commercial Break. Taco Bell has seasoned beef and potatoes costing anywhere between 99 cents and $1.29. You can't buy a bottle of water for 99 cents anymore. What does it say about the quality of that beef and potato when it costs less than water?

Remember that Raw Diva Search Contestant Interview thing they did earlier…and then again? They did it one more time. If the audience had started to riot at this point, I wouldn’t have blamed them. She makes some comments about her puppies and then reveals that they are really puppies, like dogs, not boobs. This girl was the 2004 Playmate of the Year…as her talent. Seriously. Her talent was that she was 2004's Playmate of the Year. Jerry Lawler said that no one could question her talent now. (JG Note: It's an accomplishment, I guess. It's not really a talent. Helluva message to send to today's youth. Taking off clothes for money = talent.)

Chris Benoit and Eugene come face to face and Chris has a warning for his estranged friend. Tonight's going to be a match, Gene. No chairs, chains, or weapons - just moves. Two guys in the ring wrestling. Gene agrees and Benoit reiterates that he will do whatever it takes. That's what toothless aggression is all about. Well, it's about that and missing teeth, but you get the idea.

Commercial Break. I want to see Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Why? I have no idea.

(6) World Champion Chris Benoit and Eugene wrestled to a no-contest The crowd was dead for the opening of this one. You can't blame them. They've been burnt out all night and left with nothing tangible to care about outside of this main event. Going in, there were some pretty big expectations considering we had sat through three wanna-Diva interviews, a Lita declaration of nothing new, a Tomko-Maven throw away, and a Conway-Rhyno filler to get here. It was going to take a lot to revive this crispy crowd. At one point, Jim Ross mentions that the crowd had been looking on at a "very even match," which in some way explains the crowd's deep focus or lack of response, if you will. Even when Dinsmore gave his pop-inducing temper tantrum, no one cared. It's strange, but Eugene seems to be hot and cold depending on where the show is from. While he wasn't booed out of the building, he wasn't met with a great response. People will argue that it was because he wrestled Benoit, but in actuality, Gene is so far over the line of a gimmick wrestler that certain fans will resent him for it. I'm not just talking about hardcore smark fans, either. There are plenty of casual fans that like someone they consider to be real, rather than comedy characters. After a good amount of back and forth action and chain wrestling to a silent audience, things started to wind down. Dinsmore slaps on the Crippler Crossface and almost gets a tap out, but the Champ reaches the ropes. Eugene then nails him with a Rock Bottom and goes for the pinfall. At two, Ben-wa gets his foot on the ropes, but Gene doesn't notice. He thinks he's the new champion. Title in hand, Eugene runs around the ring. He's pretty stoked…

Thought of the Night: The Missing Link should join Evolution. Then things would be complete.

Triple H enters the ring with his boys backing him up. He steps right up to Eugene…and lays him out with a punch to the face. The evildoers then set their sites on Chris Benoit while Gene is held by Flair. Hunt gives the Champ the Pedigree while his buddies help out. William Regal rushes in, but finds himself the victim as well. This causes an opening for Eugene, who tries to stop this heinous act, but is jumped by the group. The Pips hold him while Trips trash talks him between punches. He's then RKOed by Orton and Powerbombed by Batista. Bloody, Eugene Dinsmore rolls in pain while Evolution continues the assault. As the Evolvers leave the ring, Jim Ross breaks it down to something we can all understand.

"Eugene just got battered, fried, and brutalized."

- Jim Ross, 11:08pm

On that note, DeEvolution X leaves and we fade to black.

All in all… This show just went down hill. At certain points, it clawed out and gave something fun to watch. For the most part, though, it wasn't that good.

There was filler up to wazoo. Tyson Tomko and Maven went through the motions. Same duty went to Rob Conway and Rhyno. The Lita-Kane confrontation was dragged out and served no new purpose. Couple those moments with the Raw Wanna-Diva Search Interviews, the king of the time wasters, and you have a show jam-packed with 90% nothing.

The good points were things like Hurricane and Ric Flair's backstage confrontation. The bad points were things like the Hurricane-Ric Flair in-ring confrontation. Had there not been so many other meaningless moments throughout the show, this one wouldn't have been bad for what it was. In the end, it was just another thing to kill time until the main event.

When we got to the main event, I was burnt out. Enough downtime had gone by that my apathy level at gone through the roof. Even without that, the main event finale, featuring the long awaited Evolution turn on Eugene, seemed flat. What was Eric Bischoff's amazing punishment? What exactly was Triple H's plan? He's not the World Champion like he claimed he needed Gene for. What was the point of all that? After so much buildup, I expected that the day the New Mega-Powers exploded, it would be a bigger deal. This wasn't that big of a deal.

All in all, I was pretty bored tonight. With a show already pre-booked with Diva Search filler, why put extra filler in it? Tonight's Raw was filled with filler. It was overfilled with filler. Filler reigned supreme. Yawn.



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