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JG's 7/13/10 NXT Insanity: Nextivus For The Rest of Us

By James Guttman Jul 13, 2018 - 7:37 AM print

Originally Published July 13, 2010



Titan Tower...


Triple H: OK. Everyone take a seat. I know Wade Barrett couldn't make it because I called INS on him, but everyone else can make it. So that's great. We've called you all here to discuss the best way to market Nexus. You're a young, strong group and we need to make as much money as we can while the getting is good. I've spoken to Vince and...yes?


Darren Young, having raised his hand, lowers it.


Darren Young: (smiling like a lunatic)  Hi! I'm Darren Young!


Hunter:  Hi. Now as I was saying...


Young: What's your name?


Hunter: (shocked) What?!  Did you just ask my name?!


Young:  Yes. You didn't introduce yourself. That's just rude. You wouldn't last a minute in my WWE locker room with that attitude.


Hunter stares in angry shock.


Skip Sheffield: His name is Lester.


Hunter: MY NAME'S NOT LESTER! It's Hunter. Triple H. Now just keep your mouth shut. As I was saying, we have to make some money off you guys while the getting is good. You all bring something unique to the table. All of you - the British guy, the ginger kid, the black Sub-Zero wannabe, emo Evan Bourne, Skippy the Cowboy, Jennifer Hudson, and David Young.


Young:  That's Darren Young, Lester.


Long glare


Hunter:  So we want to make the most money off of you guys before we fire you all like Bryanson Daniel. Yes...Heather.


Heath Slater: (lowering his hand) Speaking of that, I had a question about my contract. I read it over after you fired Bryan. I don't get it.

Hunter:  Get what?


Slater: Who's Tina and why can't I be in her for 90 days?


Hunter:  What the hell are you talking about?


Young: Just answer the man's damn question!


Michael Tarver: (waving his arms in the air) ARGHHHHH!


Hunter: I don't even understand the question! Tina? Who's...wait.   (sudden realization) Do you mean TNA? It's a wrestling company.


Slater:  Oh. OK. (pause)   So it's ok if bang Tina?


Hunter: There is no Tina!


David Otunga: See, that's not true. My dog walker is named Tina. You can bang her if you want, Heath.


Slater:  (interested) Yeah? She got a nice round ass?


Hunter: SHUT UP! Damnit! Just shut up! Here. This is the first product we've made for you all...


Hunter takes out a box of NXT Cereal.





Hunter: This is NXT Cereal. It's part of a Nexus Breakfast.   (pauses for applause that don't happen)   If you notice, they're green - just like you guys. Ha ha ha!


Otunga: Is that some racist crap?


Hunter: No. I said green. You're green.


Blank stares.


Hunter: Hold on...are you guys so green that you don't know what green means?




Hunter:  No way! No one here knows what green is?!


After a long pause, Justin Gabriel speaks.


Justin Gabriel: It's a color. Green is a color. Like blue or orange. Some apples are green.


Hunter: I can't believe...


Sheffield: ...and unripened bananas. Right? Those are green.


Hunter:  Wow. No. I mean, yes, but no. I didn't mean green the color. I was just, you know, trying to pull a rib.


Blank stares.


Hunter: Oh come on! I was working you!


Young:  So, you're saying that we're having ribs after work?


Gabriel:   Green ribs. Green ribs and ham?  Like the book?  Do you like green ribs and ham?  Do you like them, Sam-I-Am?


Hunter:  This is just amazing. I was just trying to rip on you guys so that you'd be all disenchanted and stuff. I had the graphics department make this fake breakfast cereal box figuring you might quit.   Now, you show up so green that you don't even get the jokes. (tearing up)   The business is changing.


Sheffield: Cheer up, Lester. Come on. Let's go out and get some ribs. Someone mentioned a promo to me earlier so maybe that means they're doing some sort of promotion. Let's go eat.




Crying, Hunter puts his head on Skip's shoulder and they all get up to leave.


Slater: (on Otunga's phone)   Hey, Tina. What's up, baby? This is Heath Slater. So....you gonna let me grab on that fine ass?




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You may have guessed by now, but Ralph's in jail...or something of that ilk. To be honest, I'm shocked we got two weeks out of him. But here I am. Tonight, the NSNTY comes to NXT. Get ready because the show that used to be ECW before TNA started trying to be ECW is ready to give you an extreme case of Nexus. You all set for it? Good because it's itchy as hell when it really sets in. Shave the affected area, apply the cream, and rub your necks - heck, NXT is next!

NXT Theme Plays.   WWE tried to get Jennifer Hudson to sing it. When she said, "no," they asked Dishwalla. When Dishwalla said, "no," they asked the Pixiesticks or Fireballs or whatever the hell this radio-friendly band calls itself.


We kick things off with all our resident professional wrestletainers getting their customary introduction from Matt "They're My Sick Days and I'll Use Them Any Way I Want" Striker and Ashley "Who The F**k Am I" Valence in the ring. Mark Henry, John Morrison, "Ashy" Cody Rhodes, Zack Ryder, MVP, Kofi Kingston, and The Miz all walk out one after the other. No sign of Lay-Cool. Know why?  They must know that we have some violenct guests tonight.   The Nexus gets their own intro right after. Each villain is wearing a big N on their shirt.  They look like extras on Sesame Street.


Fresh from England where he voted for Nathan to go over John James, Wade Barrett has returned to be the leader of Nexus. Barrett and the capillary-busters have come home to NXT in order to wish luck to their professional counterparts. No worries, mates. Ol' Wade says bollocks to brawling. He doesn't want any problems with you fellas. Just go out there and do your thing. Dubya-Bee knows you want things to be all good, in'it? So lets all have a coke and a smile and watch the first bout.


Hey man. It's almost time for our match.


Yup. No problem, Mark. I'm almost all set.

Yeah. So I came here to get Lucky.


OK. Just heard you. I know.  I said I'm almost ready. I just have to get my trunks on.

Apparently you didn't hear me. I didn't say I came to get YOU. I said I came to get Lucky. Now if you really heard what I said, you'd know that you should leave those trunks where they are.   I SAID LEAVE 'EM!


1. Mark Henry and Lucky Cannon defeated The Miz and Alex Riley when Henry pinned Riley


I'm really pulling for Alex Riley. He has a great gimmick and could go really far in the next few years if he's able to improve as a performer. If that happens, his character could go far. There's just a natural heel quality about him that's taken right from the Miz's playbook.   He irks people. He's irksome.  That's what he did here.  The rookie raises the ire of Henry when he begs for mercy and raises the ire of his own mentor when he runs from the ring in fear.  When Mizzy enters the rizzy, his story is no different though. While taking his time pummeling Cannon, Mike goes out of his way to avoid facing off with Mae Young's ex-lova. Using frequent tags, A-Miz dominates The Luck. After numerous pin attempts, Cannon riles the ready-for-Smackdown tapings crowd to cheer for his comeback. By the time he tags in Henry, the audience explodes all over the walls. Mark presses Mizerable Mike and powerslams Smiley Riley like a pancake. Three seconds later, the whole thing comes to an end as Marky Mark pins Alan from Head of the Class.


Following the decision, The Lucky Chocolates grab a ringside trashcan and dump all the gimmicked "garbage" on him. Ever notice how in wrestling, garbage cans are filled with crumpled paper and nothing else? No candy wrappers. No empty Capri Sun boxes. No dead C Batteries or boogery kleenex. Just paper. What the hell are they throwing out so much paper for? What a waste.


As a reward for losing, WWE plays a video package honoring Alex Riley. Last week, they played one for the guy they eliminated the week before. I guess that logic makes sense. You know, to someone stupid.


Commercial Break. There's a Pizza Hut commercial with little league players who are taken to Pizza Hut following "a tough loss." This whole Alex Riley Rule is really catching on. I wasn't aware that everyone started getting presents for being losers.


We watch video packages of both Money in the Bank history and last night's Raw. Then Michael Cole and Josh Mathews talk about Sheamus vs. John Cena on Sunday. The important part here is that we go from one commercial break to another and pretty much nothing happens. None. Zero things. It's like when your teacher had a hangover and made you watch VHS tapes of crap she videoed off of PBS.


Commercial Break. They say Inception is like "James Bond meets the Matrix."  From the commercial, it looks like a spy movie set in a trippy dream world. That beats the other possibility that came to mind when I heard that - Keanu Reeves playing James Bond. Yikes.


Good news, you don't have to be actually signed to a full time WWE contract before getting to bore the fans with tedious fake talk show segments.  That's what Percy Watson learned today.  It's not so much Percy, who's one of the most promising guys on the show. It's the fake talk show gimmick that hasn't been good since Paul Bearer's Funeral Parlor. I mean, seriously, who the hell are we trying to kid? He knows damn well he's not hosting a real talk show. How many episodes of Oprah have ring ropes around the studio? It's like filming mock-TV sitcoms on a football field and just acting like everything is normal.


Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Percy Watson introduces his first guest. The man also happens to be his mentor...MVP! Montel, with his red nose tape, walks up the aisle and stands with his rookie.

"OK. First things first. Can I borrow 20 dollars?"
- Percy Watson


The line seems to catch Porter by surprise and they both laugh. After some praise from Watson, Monty praises him back and thanks him for the invitation to be on his first show. But then, P-Dub mixes things up. He tells his mentor that he's going to seize the moment...


...and all the other NXT Season 2 rookies come to the ring. The crowd holds its collective breath in anticipation of the big attack. It doesn't happen though. You know why? Mr. VP doesn't roll alone. He rolls with his professional colleagues. With that, the pros walk to the ring and things look ready to turn into a pier six brawl.


Seeing all the Pros, Joes, and Hos in the ring, Matty Striker walks out and makes the call. Let's turn this talk show into a battle royal. Why not? We have time to kill before Smackdown starts and no one's using the ring. To be honest, it was either that or another 15 minute talk show and battle royal won the coin toss.


This brings out Wade Barrett and his Letter N Band. The boys in the N shirts backup Barrett as he tosses their hats in the ring to join the battle royal. Striker likes the idea and since he has some weird sort of authority here, he makes it so. It's all about to boil over! We can't wait! That battle is so intense that it's happening now!


...Actually, scratch that. Give us like two minutes. We have sponsors and crap.


Commercial Break. KFC has a commercial where both the losing little league team and the winning one get to eat their chicken. Guess it's better than low-expectation having Pizza Hut. That must make Pizza Hut the crappiest food because the losers get it. KFC is the medium food because everyone gets it. Find me the food that only the winners eat and I shall show you the food of the Gods.


2. Nexus Won a Battle Royal


Using the infamous Vince McMahon royal rumble loophole, Nexus start the match with a plan. They  high tail it to higher ground. Are you kidding me? Look at 'em scatter like thieves in the night! That fountain of misinformation, Wade Barrett, leads his lackeys in putting the boots to each guy who gets tossed out. He lies and the rest of them swear to it, Brain! Mark Henry is the first to get beaten down. He's followed by Eli Cottonwood. Each new loser doesn't get greeted by a slice of Pizza Hut pizza. He gets greeted with a Nexus swarm of pain. After pummeling Eli and Mark for a while, the group gets its hands on MVP. Rather than let him take a beating, John Morrison and Kofi Kingston jump from the ring to help him. From there, things turn more into an in-ring guys vs. outside guys type of deal.  When The Nexus Born Thrillas finally enter the fray, it's awn like Teflon Donkey Kong in Hong Kong playing ping pong eating a ding dong off a pom-pom. Aw sheet. The battle rages as the evil alliance sticks together against the disjointed group of pros and hopefuls. Slowly, the group stands in the corner, bides their times and watches as their enemies take each other out. Before long, it's down to NXT Season One against Ryder, Morrison, Kofi, Rhodes, and The Miz. When Zack Ryder steps up to confront N-Sync, he's tossed out from behind...by The Miz! The pros confront Mike on the stupid move, pointing out how thanks to his elimination their team is now down by one. So...


Miz jumps out of the ring. Now they're down by two. Ha! Sucks to be you losers.


With the numbers down to 6 on 3, Cody takes a seat in the corner. He hides from the angry Green Ribbers as they pound away on Morrison and Kingston. He does nothing as his teammates get beaten up. Actually, that's not true. He does something. He gets some sort of verbal cue from the referee that's caught clearly on camera. So that's something, I guess. As far as helping Johnny Nitro and Kofi from being eliminated in that order - no. He didn't do anything as it relates to that.


Once that was done, he had nowhere else to hide. The last man left in the ring was the man with the digital mirror. Rather than mess up his Dashing face, Codedust opted to extend his hand in an act of friendship. He had no takers.

Actually, that's not entirely true either. He had six takers. Yeah. All six took him by the head, tossed him to the ground, and beat him like a candy-stuffed government mule. After throwing the Rhodes boy from the ring, Nexus seemed to win with a ring of the bell.   Yeah.  I think they won the battle royal.  I wasn’t aware they were entered as a team. I mean, that doesn't seem very fair, does it?


Lying prone on the ring, Cody catches a flying 450 splash from Justin Gabriel, who seems to have stomach pain every time he does it. He holds himself in a weird way following the move each time. Maybe it 's IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome? You think? The IBS 450. Good move.  Good name.  Let's use it.

We're treated to a Pirate Wade Barrett where he once again claimed to be part of a bigger picture. He exclaimed his pride for his Nexus buddies. Then, we're treated to the new catchphrase.


"You're either Nexus or you're against us."

- Wade Barrett


Personally, I like the Nexus Breakfast pun better. But anything is better than shirts with big N's on them. Wade Barrett's hair is locked in place as we fade to black.



All in all...Not a bad show. But, let's face facts. Nexus has built a ramp. They've gassed up their motorcycles. They've even measured the shark. All they have to do now is jump. They haven't just yet, but damn they're getting close.


You know what's funny? Everything that got old was once cool. Like, the N.W.O. For those that don't know, the early days of N.W.O. attacks and turns were amazing. After a year or two of everyone from Scott Norton to Stevie Ray joining, it got old. But, there was once a time when it was fresh and new. It just went on the same path for way too long to stay fresh.  


Nexus is really close to having that happen.


We're at the point where they can still reveal their hidden agenda and take this story to the next level. But there's only a week or two left. After that, it's all going to get really old really quick and by the time you bring out Triple H or Chris Jericho or Randy Orton to reveal themselves to be the secret leader, it could be too late. Now's the time to strike on this. It's not too soon. It's damn near too late.

Now before you write me and say, "But the Nexus is cool," I agree with you. I still like the angle. I like the direction it's taking. I just think they need to start moving along before I don't.


That does it for me. Check out the new ClubWWI.com shoot with Awesome Kong just posted. Until next time, Be Well. Thanks for sharing the Insanity.


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