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JG's 8/6/07 Raw Insanity: The McMahon Resurrection and Paternity Suit
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(29 Mins) Honor Nation: Mightier Than a Mouse


JG's 7/24/06 Raw Insanity: The Debut of Mr. McPhone

By James Guttman Jul 24, 2018 - 3:07 PM print


Originally Published July 24, 2006 - First Time Republished Since 2011


 

  Anyone seen Triple H and Vince McMahon? Anyone? They weren't around for Raw. Oh wait...I know where they were...

Bowling!

That's right. Today's Raw Intro is the newest way to waste time at work - World Wrestling Insanity Bowling. Make sure you have Flash installed, turn on your computer's sound, and click the link below. Be careful, though. Hunter may try to fake you out.

World Wrestling Insanity Bowling

 

 

It's just like real bowling except that you don't need to rent shoes...or get out of your chair...or move anything besides your mouse. Fine. It's nothing like real bowling. It's computer bowling. So bowl away. If your boss catches you and asks what you're doing, just smile and say, "Uh, I was just sitting here doing some of the..." Then throw coffee in his face and run like hell.

***

Now the real reason that Triple H and Vince McMahon aren't here tonight is because...

Time To Birth The Baby!

Stephanie McMahon went into labor. I know we poke fun at the McMahons and Hunter here on the site, but it's all in the confines of their wrestling lives/personas. On a personal level, the birth of a couple's first child is a milestone. We here at WorldWrestlingInsanity.com wish the new family nothing but health and happiness. Congratulations.

***

Aw shucks. Now I went and put you in a mushy mood. Forget the mushy. Tonight there's no tushy - Mr. McMahon's tushy that is. With the boss out of the picture, we have open season on the rewritten edition of Monday Night Raw. What is the fallout from Umaga's victory over John Cena last week? Has the former WWE Champion finally hit  bottom or will he overcome the odds and recapture gold from the R Rated Canadian? With the Highlanders getting a tag title match after wrestling like two matches, can the Spirit Squad stop them from accomplishing their goals? Does Shawn Michaels have a plan for the night now that his partner and enemies have been pulled from the show? With the Raw return of Hulk Hogan, has Randy Orton finally encountered a Legend he can't kill? Do you think that with all of last night's health substitutions and tonight's labor that maybe WWE should just film their shows in the hospital? It would save time. Plus, most of the audience would be hooked up to machines and ventilators. They wouldn't be able to walk out during the boring stuff. Captive audience, Vince. Think about it. So, if your ready to have all these questions answered, just lay back. Put your feet in the stirrups and push! Push, damn you! Raw's on!

Raw Theme Plays.

Yo yo! That's the anthem, so get your damn hands up. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are strapped and ready to bust a proverbial cap in all of you tonight with a hell of a show. Get ready to party like it's 1997...cause it's DeGeneration X time!

Shawn Michaels is the first one out and appears to be the only one coming out. J.R. and the King both wonder aloud where The Game can be. Soon enough, they get their answer. Michaels takes the microphone and lets us know that a few weeks back, he and Hunter had played a prank on the McMahon family. You see, they told the Macs that their little princess, Stephanie, had gone into labor. That was all funny ha-ha, though. Tonight is for real. Here, I'll let Uncle Shawn give the rundown.

"Stephanie McMahon is in a hospital in Connecticut giving birth to her first child and of course, faithfully by her side are her father, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and her brother, Shane McMahon. But unbeknownst to them, my partner in crime, Triple H at this very moment is in that same hospital. Now, somehow he has the inside coop on this whole pregnancy thing. You know, between you guys and me, I think he knows who the father is."
                  
- Shawn Michaels, 9:05pm

(JG Note: Duh. I hate when they do this. Why do they insist on killing what little suspension of disbelief we have all so we can wink at each other about Hunter's marriage to Stephanie? Is it needed every week? If they want to have them intertwined on air, then turn Triple H heel and put him with Vince. To have him feuding with the McMahon family and then come out winking about his marriage every week is just stupid. We get it. Wrestling's fake. We know. Now stop beating us over the head with it. We‘re trying to enjoy a show.)

From there, Kid Heartbreak lets us know the plans for tonight. Despite the fact that we only have one half of DX in the house, Shawn promises double the fun. In fact, he's going to...

Cue the Coach.

Craig T. Nelson?

No. The one that works for us.

John Tolos?

Dude, he worked here over ten years ago.

What?! Damn. How long have I been asleep?

John Coachman has arrived to confront DeGeneration Half and let him know a thing or two about a thing or two. Apparently John C is on a kayfabed phone call with Vince McMahon and assures the boss that he'll make it right. After putting Granddad on hold, Coach informs HBK that although Daddy Mac isn't in the arena, that doesn't mean that tonight's going to be a free ride. No way, Jose (Lothario). Want to know why you won't run amuck tonight, Boy Toy? ‘Cause Mr. McMahon has put Coachman in charge tonight - that's why! You best take the acting GM seriously, Michaels. Jonathon's the only man on the planet with Vince McMahon on speed dial! Well, besides Satan - but he's not technically "on the planet," so he doesn't count.

Upon hearing that John has Vince on the kayfabe phone, Shawn decides to say hi. He takes the cell from Coachman and has a mock conversation with the chairman. It was played more for laughs than realism, but the crowd seemed to like it. Also, HBK has a delivery that can get over silly moments that others might not be able to. After infuriating the chairman, The Rocker hands the phone back to the acting boss.

Coach gets an earful, but agrees to what "Vince" tells him. John doesn't seem thrilled, but has no choice. Guess what, Shawn-o? You've got a match tonight. Know who it's against? The Coach. Yup. Michaels-Coachman tonight. Michaels responds by laughing uncontrollably and falling to the ground.

Don't go away guys, Hulk Hogan will be making his return to Raw tonight. How orange will he be? Stay tuned!

Commercial Break. This seems like an appropriate time to mention that we're now selling copies of World Wrestling Insanity: The Book through the site. The book retails for $19.99, but we're selling it for $14.99. Also, if you want to get a singed copy, you can. For more info and to read an excerpt - Click Here

Up next: The Highlanders, Luke and Butch, challenge the Spirit Squad, Beau and Blake, for the World Tag Team Championship.

Lillian Garcia has returned to ring announcing. She's been out of action since Viscera and Charlie Haas fell in love with each other and decided to attack her. Vis and Charlie - Men on a Mission. What's the mission? To kill women.

1) World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad defeated The Highlanders when Kenny pinned Robbie

It's good to see the comedy tag champs, Spirit Squad, mixing it up against a set of comedy challengers, The Highlanders. With so much comedy, you'd think we'd laugh our way though the whole match. Yeah...no.  From the "You Don't Say" file, Ross calls one of the McAllister moves "almost Bushwhacker-like." In the end, the Landers seemed to have victory all but sewed up. They got into position to land the Scott Drop, but were attacked by the remaining three members of the S.S. With the ref distracted, the Green World Order was free to jump in and put Kenny Doane in position to land a Roll of the Dice on Robbie. Cousin Rob hits the ground like an autograph seeker hanging from a speeding rental car and Ken makes the cover. J.R. says that it's the first loss for the Kilt-wearing duo. The Highlanders were undefeated, huh? Good for them. So were Cade and Murdoch for a while.

It time for...More Mick Foley ramblings from WWE Studios. This time around, Cactus Jack is tearing into the deteriorating skills of Ric Flair. Case in point - "fat boy." The Nature Boy called Foley "fat boy" last week. Duh. Mankind thinks that's pathetic. He compares Slick Ric's promo skills to the average fourth grader and then laments over his heightened expectations for this feud. Dude Love thought he was going to be meeting the powerful Oz. Instead, he has to face a watered-down version with nothing left to offer. Cactus' proof is Ric's performance at the ECW show last week. Falling on thumbtacks?! You're a sideshow freak, Mr. Flair! Even worse, you had the gall to attack Melina. Mick considers her a...friend. So saddle up, Horseman. The Mickster is coming to Raw next week to defend The Devine Miss M's honor. You best be ready. Have a nice bang bang!

Commercial Break. Gametap says that "for a few cents a day, you can bring video games into your own home." Well, I should hope so. I mean, it would be a waste of money if the video games go to someone else's home. A few cents or not, I'm not paying for someone else to play video games. Why should I? Screw ‘em. Let him buy his own games.

This week in wrestling history: Ric Flair defeated Terry Funk before being attacked by Muta. The interesting thing about all this? It'll be the last time WWE makes it the weekly memory clip. From this point forward this week in wrestling history will be "Stephanie McMahon gave birth." Sorry, Muta. You can spit out all the green mist you want. Until you can spit a McMahon baby out of your mouth, you've been bumped from the July Week 4 Wrestling History reel.

The Perils of Being Ric Flair's Kid

Yo, David...what the hell, man?

I know. I know. It's a hand-me-down from my dad. It cost like $5,000. My folks want to get use out of it so they said I should bring it to college with me.

Bro, I‘m your roommate so I have to be straight up with you. You're wearing a bright blue sequined, feathered robe to the dorm showers. People are starting to talk.

Ric Flair is here and he's wearing a suit. The Nature Boy takes the house mic and addresses the...uh, house. He gets right to the point and tells Mick Foley that it's not about age or how fat Foley is. It's about being a man! Ric's crystal clear on that, Fattie Von Fattenshtein. He'll take you on any day! Anytime. In fact...

Giggidy

On this day, I see clearly. It's Edge and his girlfriend Lita, who is going for the 80's glam band groupie look. With the WWE Title spinning around on his shoulder, Adam Copeland lays down the facts. You're not champion, Ric. You're nothing. Adam is. He's the man - not you. He's actually more than a man. You want to know what else Copeland is? Huh? He's a distraction for Johnny Nitro. Bam!

Nitro runs into the ring and tries to attack Flair in slow motion. Naitch responds with some slow motion of his own and took control of the remaining MNM member. Johnny ate a few chops, but ended up on top again. Alongside the WWE Champion, he put the boots to Ted Knight Slick Ric. Whooooo...can save the 16 time champion?

John Cena - that's who! Despite what the big liar might tell people, we actually can see him and we see him running up the aisle. The Doctor of Thuganomics slides on in and tackles the R Rated Superstar to the ground. He gets in a few shots, but eventually Edge ran off like a "scalded dog." Melina made a last minute cameo and comforted her man as they backed up the aisle. J.R. referred to her as "Mick Foley's friend." He said it in a way that implied there was some of that Christie Brinkley's husband stuff going on. Things that make you go hmmmm....

We shoot backstage to Justin Guarini. Oh wait...that's Carlito. He's standing buy alongside the applesauce-swallowing Trish Stratus. Carly leans in to his on-air flirt interest and says something in Spanish. (JG Note: For my own amusement, I pretend he said, "You don‘t know what I‘m saying, but I‘m going to kill you. Then, I‘m going to do bad things to you with my afro.") Unfortunately for Colon, Miss Stratus doesn't share his native tongue. That's ok, though. Rather than translate, Triple C tells the former Women's Champion that he'd like to hang out with her after his match tonight. She smiles and says that she'd like that. Oh boy, Janie!

Strange Hungarian Commercial Break.

John Coachman's on the phone backstage with "Mr. McMahon" once again. This time, he's interrupted by the WWE Champion Edge. With Adam's complaining in the background, John works out some details with Cell Phone Vince. Copeland is irate, but Mr. McPhone has a solution. He decides that we're going to have a match tonight. It's Ric Flair and John Cena against Edge and Johnny Nitro. The phone has spoken. Ring, ring, bitch.

Back in the arena, Todd Grisham walks out to inform us that Stephanie McMahon has just given birth to a baby girl. Her name is Aurora Rose and she weighs 8 pounds and 7 ounces. Todd then congratulates the entire McMahon Family. And now, for a glimpse into Todd Grisham's panic nightmare all day:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed that Stephanie McMahon has just given birth to a baby girl. Her name is Cruiserweight Championship and she weighs 8 pounds and 7 ounces. "

!
Aurora. Excellent.

3) Shelton Benjamin pinned Carlito Cool after a low blow.

Shelton Benjamin gets the honor of following the McGranddaughter announcement. Shelton's appearance is historic though too. Tonight's his 4,000th match against Carlito Cool. The duo lock it up while Lawler and Ross exchange thoughts on the birth of Stephanie's baby. Jerry says that when she went into labor "her Perrier broke." For some reason, they give Cool and Benji so much time every week. Unfortunately, their conflict isn't being treated like a major deal. Carlito is doing his thing with Trish so it seems like an afterthought. Why give so much time each week to an afterthought? That's not to say that these two don't put on a good match, because they do. It would just be better with a more solid back-story to get it over. The finish seemed pretty weird on this one. The ref was trapped in the corner and almost got taken down accidentally by Carlito. Luckily, the referee was bent over the middle turnbuckle. The official avoided one more bump, but his awkward position prevented him from seeing Shelton's low blow. All he saw was the hooked leg and the three count.  1,2,3...and it's over. Good match.

Recap of WWE Diva Dance Off on Smackdown. It's funny how much better Mike the Miz is when he's not on live television. Video Editing - Hoorah!

Brian Knobbs' friend is up next.

Commercial Break. WWE Rewind this week is Randy "Macho Man" Orton taking down Hulk Hogan with the dreaded RKO while his daughter sat in the car. Afterwards, Brooke had no idea what happened to her father. Why? I don't know. Is it wrong to say, "Because she's stupid?"

Hey kids, time to lose your minds. Hulk Hogan's here. The reality star walks to the ring and enters. Once inside, he employs the same trick he used to death a few years ago. He refuses to speak so that the fans keep cheering. Now before I get crazy emails, let me say that I'm not saying Hogan doesn't get cheers. He does. He also uses some smoke and mirrors to make it seem much bigger than it is. I mean, of course they keep cheering if you don't speak in the microphone. Fans want to be a part of the show. When the performer in the ring interacts with them, they eat it up. They think they're a part of something. If you don't speak, they say, "Oh wow. We're so loud that he can't even begin his promo. I better scream even louder now! I'm part of Raw! Yeah!" The trick would work for Steve Austin, The Rock, Eugene, whoever. If Hulk walked into the ring and immediately started speaking, I guarantee they'd stop screaming. By the same token, if he keeps feigning like he's going to speak, then stopping to shake his head over his "amazement" at his ovation, they won't. Get it?

Anywho, rant aside, Hulk Hogan is here and Jim Ross puts it over like a religious experience. Hollywood starts off by talking about the obvious - Randy Orton. The Legend Killer has no respect for this business, but that's no big shock. You see, Hulk has had run-ins with other members of the Orton clan. Back in the ‘80s, the Hulkster "got it on" with Randy's dad, Bob. However, back then there was some respect. This time around, there's no respect. Randall wants to call out the Yellow, Red, and Orange Man in front of his family? He wants to call Mr. Nanny out in front of his daughter? No way, pal. He's going to learn the word "respect with a capital R."

You're listening to WRKO. No rap. No rock. No hard stuff. Just take-a-poop-in-your-duffel-bag love songs.

Randy Orton is here and Jim Ross calls him the "Matthew McConaughey, pretty boy of the WWE." (JG Note: Well. Now we all know what male celebrity J.R. thinks of when he thinks of "pretty.") Bob's kid tells Hulk to chill his jets. Look, Orange-Face, Orton isn't here to talk ‘rasslin'. He's here to talk about your daughter, Brooke. Hogan protests, but Ort cuts him short. Look, Moldy Oldie, you'd have to be blind to not see the chemistry between Randy and your little girl. Then again, Randall imagines you probably have bad eyesight "at your age." Bam. The fans chant "Hogan" but it doesn't stop the Legend Killer from finishing his spiel.

You want to know what your kid talked to Mr. RKO about beside your car at Saturday Night's Main Event? She talked about how hot she though he was. It's a shame though, bro. She's going to have to watch her Matthew McConaughey man kill her daddy's legend.

Double H finally puts an end to Orton's speech. Nut up, buttercup. Come down this aisle and face The Suburban Commando like a man. Randy does walk the ramp, but refuses to enter the ring. During the course of all this, he has a run in with Jerry Lawler at ringside. The two exchange words and when Ort turns back towards the ring, Lawler throws him in.

Hogan opens up on the brash youngster hitting punches and kicks until he scurries from the ring. Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco's theme music plays while Thunderlips poses for the crowd.

Still to come: Marky Mark and Judge Smails versus Furry Coat Man and Edgar Cage.

RKOh...yeah.

Commercial Break. Hey...if you do drugs, you'll become really small. Seriously, the girl in the commercial is like two feet tall because she did drugs. Say, if you were two feet tall you might be able to get into the movies mad cheap. Hell's yeah. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. We're gonna go watch us some cheap-ass movies! Yes!

4) Women's Champion Mickie James pinned Candice Michele

There's still a women's division. That's good, I guess. Sadly, it appears to be on the back-burner again. The Mickie James-Trish Stratus feud seems unsettled and took a real downturn after Beth Phoenix's injury. It felt like there could have been a future there, but no. The babyface turn of Candice Michele is peculiar but might make sense if Trish ends up leaving the company at some point. There's no real female good girl to fall back on if Strats takes off. The only drawback is that Candy has a naturally grating voice. She works more as a heel because she sounds like nails on a blackboard. I guess they can just give her a mute gimmick. Have Randy Savage crush her larynx with a ring bell or something. In the end, it was Michele's inexperience that lead to her downfall. The Women's Champion rolled through a pin attempt and ended up on top for the three count. After the bell, C.M. GoDaddy hung her head sadly. You have to feel bad. She must have really wanted to win that title that no one cares about. I'm with ya, Candice.

Up next: Shawn Michaels faces John Coachman. Stay tuned anyway.

Commercial Break. Get a Bowflex. Work out and be all buff. Then no one will mess with you. Or...you can get a Bow and Arrow. No one will mess with you and you don't even have to work out. It's probably cheaper too.

It's time for Coachman-Michaels and due to Hunter's absence, Shawn has to do the "Are you ready" pre-match thing. He gets in position and just as he gets to "Are you read....," The Coach's music hits. That sucks. It used to happen to Nikolai Vollkoff's anthem all the time too. Someone in truck needs to get it together. You're obviously cuing the music too early!

5) Shawn Michaels defeated John Coachman via disqualification

As the match began, Shawn sprung from the ring and got a leather skull cap from the announce table. He put it on and no one knew what the hell was going on. He looked like one of the things the guys being shot out of cannons wear in those old film clips. Even Jerry Lawler, who works for WWE, said "That went over my head." Strange stuff. I think the joke was that Coachman is bald. Who knows. Anyway, when the shower cap gimmick wore thin, they went to the old pants-off, dance-off. Michaels ripped off John's pants and the crowd reacted with indifference. Coachman came back with some offense and again was met with indifference. It seemed out of place and inconsequential. No one seemed to pop for much. In the context of a regular match, it got a good reaction. In the context of an HBK match, it didn't. The ending got a good pop though. First it was the Spirit Squad who appeared to be poised for a sneak attack. All five ran out and all five got pimpslapped by the Source of All Strength. After clearing out the Cheerleaders, HBK started to tune up his foot for some Sweet Chin Music. Then it happened.

Umaga killed the music.

The Samoan Bulldozer ran into the ring and took down Michaels with a Samoan Drop. Shawn fell to the mat and the Spirit Squad pounced. They grabbed the fallen Boy Toy and held him for Maga. Yeah, uh...Ummie don't play that. Umaga chased them all from the ring so he could have the Midnight Rocker all to himself. Maggs hit the Heartbreak Kid with a Samoan Spike and stood over him while his jungle drums blared. J.R. says that Mr. McMahon is sitting at that hospital right now laughing. Great. Mr. McMahon's maniacal laughter. I'm sure all the other new mothers in the maternity ward are loving that.

Commercial Break. Pulse is coming to theaters. It's the sequel to "Rotary."

We're back and hey, do you remember when Umaga beat up Shawn Michaels? Yes? Watch it again anyway. After that, we go to the interview area where Maria is standing by with David Silver.

John Cena stands alongside the beautiful Maria who appears to be extra-brain-dead tonight. She doesn't know the difference between "teaming up" and "taking on." (Crazy Uncle Ralph Note: Hey Maria, you wanna "team up" four guys at once? Hi-o!) Cena tells Mary that she's cute, but she's dumb. He asks if she ate paint chips as a child. Funny stuff...if it was 1992. After getting a pop for mentioning Cleveland, John dropped another Triple H -Stephanie baby-daddy wink-wink line. It was different than when Shawn Michaels did it because John's line felt forced and made no sense. After rambling a bit more, he eventually turns to Edge who he calls "PG-13" and Lita, who he says is "NC-17" which means "No Cold sores for 17 Days." After a another herpes joke, he goes off on Johnny Nitro who's "named after a natural gas." Why? Well, Dr. Thuganomics says that Melina has the "runs" when she does the splits for her ring entrance. Not surpringly, no one cheers at all. (JG Note: Wow. I wonder why people wouldn't cheer for someone inserting the image of diarrhea into Melina's seductive entrance. Got me there.) The third thing he hits is Randy Orton vs. Hulk Hogan. Then suddenly and for no reason, he starts on Armando Alejandro Estrada and Umaga.  Then "a teacher who knows nothing" and Carlito, "who's hair is way out of control." However, according to J.C., there's one thing throughout it all that rings true. Ric Flair is John's partner tonight and he's going to kick Edge's ass! On that confusing note, he leaves.  I have to be honest, this was a truly terrible promo. It was like a kid doing an ad-libbed rant in a backyard wrestling federation. He talked about everyone in one promo, much like the Rock would do. Unlike the Rock though, he had nothing really funny to say about any of them. He just mentioned them. From the paint chips to the Melina poop, this was a bad segment. Jerry Lawler liked it. Again, though, he works for them.

Still to come: Foley's girlfriend's boyfriend and Hardy's ex-girlfriend's boyfriend face The Dirty Game Player and Rock Lite. But first, the Diva Search. So go slam your head into the wall, it's next.



"Hunter!  Stop drawing on the baby!"

Commercial Break. If I had coins that were able to come together and turn into a set of headphones, I wouldn't throw them into a Coinstar. I'd sell them to scientists.

Last week, Jerry Lawler threw out the first pitch at a Cleveland Indians game. Unfortunately, after tossing out the pitch, Lawler stripped off his pants and screamed, "Forget Rick Vaughn! This is the real wild thing! All hail King Boner! All hail King Boner!"

OK, so he didn't actually do that. It would have been funny, though. Next time, Jerry. Next time.

Hey kids! Stab yourself in the face with a fork ‘cause it's time for the Raw Diva Search. Let me hear you say Hoorah. Out from the back is WWE's Ed Grimly. It's the guy with the Something about Mary hair. It's the man with the cheat sheet on his wrist. It's Mike Mizanin. Mike the Mizerable is here to announce the results from this week's Diva Search contest. For one of these Idols, their dream of stardom comes to an end tonight. Remember only one woman will be crowned the Diva Search winner and get a fat WWE contract. The other girls will have to settle for just getting a fat WWE contract.

Once the women are lined up on the stage, Mike teases his announcement. Who can it be? Is it Mindy? Shaniqua? Nakomis? Who? Well - get this - it's the only one I know. It's the one that people thought was going to win it all - Maryse. Pretty surprising. I bet she lost because her name sounds too much like "Maurice." Lots of people probably have old uncles or cousins named "Maurice" and it skewed their judgment. Sorry, Murray, You're outtie 5000.

After Mizzy snuffs Reese's torch, he turns to the wanna-bes still remaining. Your next round will be a doozy, ladies. This Friday on Smackdown, you're all going to be competing in a "Diva Musical Chairs." He then explains how to vote and the segment ends. That's how they sell Smackdown? Diva Musical Chairs? Is anyone tuning into Smackdown for this? It doesn't even get the fan who likes the stripteases because it's not really sexual or anything. It's musical friggin' chairs. There's nothing too sexy about grown women playing musical chairs. It's sort of bizarre actually. How about Duck, Duck, Goose next week? That'll surely attract the elusive "sicko" demographic they seem to be aiming for.

Commercial Break. Axe Body Spray will get you a threesome with hot girls, beaten up by an angry father, and a chance to meet Nick Lachey on an elevator.

Next week on Raw: Umaga faces Shawn Michaels. Because of the match's quick booking, Lawler says that it should let us all know who was really behind the attack on Shawn. You guessed it - Frank Stallone.

6) John Cena and Ric Flair defeated Johnny Nitro and Edge when Cena forced Nitro to tap out 

This was a strange main event, but one that seemed intriguing. If anything, we have to be on the verge of a change-up for John Cena. What he's doing right now doesn't work. That's it. Whether or not it clicks with a few fans who buy shirt isn't the issue.  The issue is that they could be reaching such a larger audience with him. He has charisma when used correctly and the fact that he still has a somewhat respectable following despite being booked like a total dipstick shows that. If anything, whenever I come down on John's downturn, it's because we all know how good he can be when given the right material. He hasn't been given the right material in years. I feel like it's been downhill ever since Brock Lesnar left. He went from Eminem to Mickey Mouse in no-time flat. From John Ritter jokes to cheap sauce. From being cutting edge to jobbing to him. It's been a real up and down ladder. On a good note, I'm glad to see Nitro getting his due. The kid won Tough Enough and has hung in there really well for years. He's by far the most successful TE Winner and with since switching to Raw, he has been given a prominent singles role. The crowd was into much o this and gave Dr. Thuggypants a nice reaction. However, nice reactions don't mean squat when the ref gets distracted and you end up with a chair slammed into your back. That's exactly what happened to the Word Lifer. However, even after that, he refused to be pinned. Coming back from the brink of defeat, Xena slapped N into his patented STFU and got himself a tap out. Edge tried to run in, but Flair was all over that noise. He hooked the Canadian's foot and made sure that his rappin' partner got the win.

After the bell, the baby faces posed while the heels retreated. We cheer while they fade to black.

...Wait, fade back to normal again. An ECW spot airs. Tomorrow night, Mr. May 19th Kane comes to Entertainment Championship Wresting and faces off with the ECDub Champion Big Show. It's the Necrophiliac...taken to the EXTREME! Now, you may fade to black.

All in all...Weird show, for a number of reasons.

It was historic. That's certainly true. The irony shouldn't be lost on anyone that Stephanie and Hunter's baby was born on a Monday Night. The whole family seems to want to get over on Mondays. That being said, there was a sense of real-time urgency in the air and that was cool. You had the feeling that the inmates were running the asylum and trying to show the bosses how they can get along without them. Did they succeed? Some ways yes. Some ways no.

John Cena is so horrible lately. His promos are terrible. That's it. I can't sugarcoat it any other way. They're forced and they don't have any bite to them at all. In school, everyone knew the kid who was really bad at comebacks and insults. He'd say things like, "You're so stupid you don't even know what two plus two is!" You're like, "Shut up, douche." Cena's that kid. His jokes aren't real jokes and his insults aren't insulting. The mere fact that he says them turns them around into an insult to him. It's actually insulting to think he expected to get a pop from them.

The shame about it all is that John Cena used to have the best promos in the company. Remember back when Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain came out and they played the commercial all the time? "My name's John Cena, I run this terrain. Here comes the pain." That was the real height of his character development. He's been cheap sauced ever since and it's such a waste of a resource. There's much more money to made in John and WWE simply isn't doing it.

I like Umaga. I like the gimmick. I like the whole thing. With so many muscle men and thugs, WWE needed to reintroduce a savage to the main event. With Jamal playing Sika, we have ourselves a different style to mix things up.

Shawn Michaels was OK tonight. You can certainly tell that the show was rewritten as the Coachman segment seemed a bit nonsensical and anti-climatic. That being said, it lead to something good in Umaga-HBK. I can only imagine how they originally intended to introduce that feud.

Hogan-Orton seems to have the legs to be a memorable encounter. If murmurs of Randy going over are true, this could be a major step for him. Then again, this is Hulkamania we're talking about here. You can't call too many of his losses before they happen. Plans change on a dime.

So, not a bad show altogether. Minus the McMahons and Hunter, Raw still went on. We missed them though. I'm sure the people in the front row were looking forward to having water spat at them. Sad.

That's it for me this week, guys. Radio Free Insanity returns this week. Check back in the coming days for details on this week's guest.

Also, don't forget to check out The World Wrestling Insanity MySpace page. It's a great way to stay current with all the goings on here at the site. If you have a news reader or a MyYahoo page, you can also keep updated on all of our headlines above by accessing The RSS feeds above.

Thanks for reading. Be well!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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